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(stream of consciousness entry; I have NO time to refine this because I WILL forget it in the morning if i don't record it now)
(this was insane, blurry, 50% of it didn't even involve me, and it already feels like it happened a month ago)


(first thing i remember is my being hyper-aware of the body post-exercise, accidentally slid into a sort of "cardiac euphoria" (unfortunately inevitable result of my sensitivities) and completely slipped out of fronting. this lingering feeling bled over to nathaniel though, surprisingly. i have a fleeting image of him embracing leon in a cathedral after that. i noticed something interesting: headvoices seem to focus their energy in that resonant spot? (e.g. nat in chest, leon in forehead) so together, they actually have this really beautiful connection, ideal lineup.)
(then suddenly i have an image of lynne, in her room, spine sitting next to her. i think they were talking? then lynne sensed the overflow from nat & leon, and jokingly told spine that since she was one slot down from nat, while leon was one slot up-- all three of them together would probably have "interesting results." she laughed that sometimes she wished she were a guy just to try that. spine thought for a moment, then said that julie was one slot down from lynne the same way, would she be able to do that with her? lynne paused, said she didn't exactly agree with how julie used her energy, too sexual and unrefined. but she agreed that maybe, they could. she wondered for several moments, then shrugged and said "you know what, let's try", so she called julie down. julie was in lingerie i remember (as always), asked what in the world lynne had called her over for? lynne just smiled and asked her to show her exactly how she uses her energy, so to speak. julie gave her this shocked look, thought she was joking, lynne said no. she was very kind with julie, allowed her to "bypass" her own darker instincts and use pink energy the way it was meant to be used? which was really something; i got this sudden impression that julie was actually feeling some sort of love here, which took me completely by surprise.)
(for some reason i remember lynne asking julie if she had ptsd? julie said no-- she had only been "abused" explicitly once, with the splinters, and she "didn't remember that" and didn't really want to. she explained that she only held a huge amount of self-hate and guilt, because she had only been used-- her own darker drives had been taken advantage of and used to badly damage other people. but it hadn't been "against her will" back then; she had wanted that, not giving thought to how. so she said she only felt incredibly guilty now when she continued to try and do those things in a non-harmful way, because it reminded of her of what she used to be. but no she didn't get flashbacks or triggers or anything that i did.)
(anyway, abruptly after that the ap (i had vague bystander awareness) was shocked into the body for a few moments, then just as quickly, jeremiah was there. i know he curled up on the bed and started sobbing, repeatedly saying something like "no one touched me, i'm okay." then he got frantic and screamed at some unseen bystander "are you SURE no one touched me?!" he started to slip then, went to the ap for a second, caused total emotional shutdown. i sent a thought to jeremiah then, telling him that he really hadn't been touched, that event didn't involve him and it wasn't malicious. he was surprised and doubtful but relieved. i remember his consciousness "faded back" out of fronting then. i think the kids flickered in and out, but realized that there hadn't been any actual damage, so they didn't need to front and take any of that? it was a mess, i stopped trying to front, the mental energy was in tatters and no one could really get in)
(i have no idea what happened next, however there are vague archival memories of the time between jeremiah leaving and my coming back...)
(i saw the body sitting on the bed, with either razor or knife holding an xacto blade, and talking over it, disturbingly business-like. there was at least one more voice underground with them, a female with a prissy voice? maybe the lilac one. felt like there were others in the background, but either unmanifested or far away. i think razor was laughing. i can only feel the residue of her energy-- that thin, maniacal, "panic attack shiver" feeling. doesn't feel attached to the body, more like it buzzes just above the skin, like static. knife's energy is heavier, i can only get a very dim idea of it-- almost like a heavy cape thrown over the shoulders, weighing one down; feels quietly foreboding like tornado clouds. he's very serious. i know he was trying to "hide the evidence," that much is clear. razor didn't care, i know that from past experiences. knife was adamant though, said he didn't want to be "found out" or something? that's literally all i know.)
(the next thing i actually remember (I LOST 60+ MINUTES?!) is that it was suddenly nighttime, i was wearing a robe, standing by the door, and feeling like my legs were soaking wet. then my memory jumps to the body standing in the bathroom, me looking down from upstairs (laurie standing next to me), and seeing blood all over the body's legs. i think i was repeating "oh shit" or something, i was not anchored well at all, couldn't really. the ap started cleaning up (i remember laurie being concerned that it "didn't know how to care for wounds correctly), but i wasn't there to see it-- laurie called me fully upstairs and everyone (except rio and markus) showed up to see what the hell had just happened. i went into standby for a bit here to prevent myself splintering; i was silently standing off to the side, so forgive me if my memory is bad.)
(to start, laurie cut open the fabric of her right leg, showed the bleeding cuts (yes she still gets ALL the body damage). everyone was freaking out, how did this happen? julie said it was her fault, demanded laurie "give her the scars instead." laurie got mad, said she didn't deserve them. julie asked why not, they were her doing, why did she care?)
(around here lynne chimed in, said she was just as blameworthy if julie was. laurie looked stunned, asked if they were serious, lynne said yes. laurie said "huh" but that was it-- she then surprised everyone by saying it was NOT THEIR FAULT, this was NO ONE'S FAULT. she asked julie if what she did was consensual, and non-harmful, and she said yes. laurie said then there was nothing to blame herself for, she did "nothing wrong." however it was obvious that underground was trying to keep her dark, and hating herself. julie started to cry at this, she obviously was still blaming herself, and was expecting to be blamed or thought of as evil again.)
(IMPORTANT: laurie then asked, still somewhat incredulous, how the thing with lynne/julie had even happened-- were there actual feelings involved here that no one knew about? to everyone's surprise, julie let her walls down and admitted something BIG-- she didn't even like to admit it to herself, but part of her loved everyone upstairs. she said that in a quiet, timid voice, like she was admitting a secret she was scared of. laurie said nothing for a second, then simply asked "even me?" julie looked at her almost ashamedly, and responded "even you." right then we all realized that THIS is what pink energy was, not what it had been turned into from all the influence to corrupted black energy. so that was huge.)
(btw, before i forget: i know i've referred to razor and that abusive group as being "downstairs" in the past, but downstairs only refers to BODY VOICES. otherwise it still refers to the waking life. underground is not. so there is a difference.)
(i remember someone asking where emmett was, laurie said he likes to hang out 'downstairs' (in the city streets?) with minty and kyanos. i'm glad they all get along.)
(i also know that josephina spoke up, said that if he's an id reaper, why can't he stop these underground voices? i forget what laurie's response was; i think it was that he had to refine his role? because maybe he was still holding on too tightly to his pre-scratch reaper role. then she asked waldorf what she was doing, as she seemed too tied to "outside inspirations," from her old 2003 pre-headspace form. wally said she didn't know, she wanted to work with truth (esp. in light of recent events) but couldn't figure out how. suddenly jo spoke up, said she could have his old role, that of "checking the facts"-- waldorf could be the one responsible for keeping everyone "in their truth," not lying or deceiving themselves, and becoming brave enough to face the truth. we all agreed that would be awesome. jo then said she could be his "id hunter," finding the problems, and he could be the one cutting them down so to speak. so that works!)
(after this laurie quietly told me to "make sure genesis doesn't see these" because she didn't want him to get upset in light of tomorrow, but that focus was enough to catch his attention and he appeared, saying "make sure i don't see what?" chaos and xennie followed him. i don't quite remember the events here, but laurie didn't want to tell them so as not to scare xennie, but she said "she wanted to know" and ran over to me. she asked if it was more cuts, i said yes. she asked if they were graves? i said no, laurie said those stopped in 2011 when julie joined us, "that game is over now." xennie said something interesting: that "the graves were needed," as if they hadn't been dug, she would be able to live? so although these new ones weren't graves, she was wondering if they had a reason too? laurie said yes, but not in that same sense. lynne walked over to xennie then and gently explained what had happened to her-- told her to imagine that, every time i showed love to someone, in any sense (as a father, as a friend, as a partner, as a moirail, whatever), someone hurt me to make me think it was wrong. xennie said that was mean. lynne said it was, but that's what just happened. the voices underground are hurting me to make julie think HER love is wrong now, too. xennie said that it wasn't her fault though, that laurie was right and the underground people were wrong, they were just being cruel and mean. i was happily surprised to see how well she understood all this.)
(i know nat spoke up in light of that, saying that the underground people had attacked so fiercely tonight because there was heart energy involved, they wanted to corrupt our perception of that, the purest thing we know. both laurie and julie got really angry at this (julie was fuming), realizing just how far these undergrounders were willing to go to throw us off. julie hissed that they refused to let her heal, or get a new life-- they really wanted to drag her back down however possible. she was pissed about it, said she was not ever going to let that happen, she'd never go back to what she was.)
(somewhere around here i remember genesis angrily crying that when he ghosts, he has to watch me "walk around with scars up and down my legs" and it hurts that he can't do anything to stop them. chaos was upset too, but he wasn't saying anything, just looked heartbroken.)
(infi showed up, i forget why or when? but i remember julie was talking about her energy, how she didn't want it to be so dark anymore; she reached into her chest and took out one bright pink bubble of petally energy in her left hand, but then took out this dense, huge glob of tar with her right!! i was shocked, we all asked why she couldnt get rid of it. she said she couldn't, showed us-- it wouldn't leave her hand no matter what she did. if she put the pink energy back but kept the black out, it began to eat her alive. so she said she felt stuck. she paused before putting the pink energy back though; said she didn't want it to be "that dark" anymore. i think she asked me for some white energy? anyway i remember it got lighter and softer in color, almost soft like fluff or feathers? it spiraled around her arm like flowers, extremely delicate and light, then absorbed back into her?)
(she didn't want to put the tar back but sighed, did so anyway-- looked painful. but she had just placed the tarry orb back inside her chest when infi said "take that back out" in a very stern voice. julie said why, infi walked over and said he'd get rid of it for her. julie hesitated, asked if it would hurt. infi said maybe, but he'd try not to. he then folded his hands and focused, said he was "tuning in" so it wouldn't hurt. he shimmered for a moment, then got a pink sheen to his blackness? the next think i remember he actually reached inside of julie's chest, took out a huge handful of tarry black energy. he looked at it, paused, and said "there's a LOT of this in here." julie winced but said to get it all out, no matter what. infi told her to hold still then, he'd make it quick. then he flared his wings, and reached in with both hands, and yanked. this MASSIVE tar clot followed, bigger than he was, julie gasped in shock and pain, fell backwards but lynne caught her. infi rolled back with the recoil, the tar was rearing up to possibly attack him?? but he was faster; he then warped his entire body into this huge multi-eyed snake thing (yes, the "witch" form from here), ate the tar entity in one bite. immediately shifted back to his normal form; he made a weird face, held a hand up to his mouth, looked kind of sick. then coughed really hard (that's new), like he was coughing something up, spat out some small crystalline thing. i thought it was a piece of glass, but infi looked at it with this "wtf" face, reached into his mouth, and incredulously stated "is that one of my teeth??" apparently it was. before i knew i was moving i had picked it up and walked over to him, kneeling down i gently put the missing fang back and used light to heal it (his teeth look crystalline it is super cool). it wasn't taking though, so i instinctively reached up and "copied" the energy of my own non-damaged teeth to use to heal his. this worked, but they were still kind of glowy, from my energy healing? not really solidifying. infi looked thoughtful for a moment, then he just "shocked" some black energy down into his head, that made his teeth take on a silvery sheen and lock into place. still, kind of funky that eating that tar knocked out one of his teeth? it struck me as significant for some reason, usually he eats huge amounts of tar with no problem at all, but this time he really seemed to have a bad reaction, thank god it was minor.)
(after this i was really drained for some reason? fell over somewhat, infi caught me, chaos ran over too. hesitated slightly in front of me, then put his hands on my shoulders and seriously asked if i was all right. i dimly said "don't do the jacob thing" and to my surprise, chaos got angry and essentially said for me to "stop assuming that just because i do something that reminds you of one person, that i'm always like that person." basically i was projecting and he had had enough of it. he said he was tired of always having to second-guess his actions because he was scared of triggering me like that. right then, either he or i said something about "speaking in a different language" than the one people downstairs used, but chaos' reaction will probably never leave my memory... in a burst of emotion he doubled over a bit and grabbed his head, and this wave of emotion just punched into me, it hurt my heart. i recognized the "language" as that oceanic emotional one that chaos says is his "native" one, and i knew exactly what he was saying although i obviously can't translate it into english! i responded by saying "so that's what you're really feeling," but i was tearing up and felt awful that i was making him feel so emotionally limited. his expression softened and he answered that he was "also feeling this," then he embraced me. there was a lot of love there but it was more delicate, and sad. still deep though, as always.)
(julie was incredibly drained after this, lynne was holding her up. julie said she was in a lot of pain when she moved, said it felt "really empty" and the sudden, major removal of so much tar (that had obviously been clinging to her bones, so to speak; i got this weird impression that it was wrapping around her spine) had shocked her system in any case. i wondered why the emptiness hurt; i thought of my air bubbles post-surgery, asked if it was like that? but she insisted the pain wasn't as physical as i assumed, said it was more emotional? and not even all bad. more like there was all this space and it was going to hurt to get used to, until she healed.)
(right around here, the red voice showed up??? unmanifested though, just this weird static-y blur in the shape of a person. (leon immediately said "there's a red voice??" looked stunned.) the voice asked what in the world had just happened. said it took him a while to "pull himself together enough" to show up here, explained how he was in "headspace limbo" until now. i gave him the gist of things, told him that the person in the slot directly below him (razor) was responsible. he was thinking about this seriously, said he wanted to manifest so he could help? i don't really remember what he said, it's difficult to remember someone that wasn't all there obviously! i do remember infi telling me i had to warp him back to unformed headspace though, that was white energy and only i could get in and out of it safely. so i did, i remember the red guy kind of "collapsed" into unstructured energy, kind of curled up near the temporary floor, said he had to recharge. i also remember he "looked" at me (i felt that) and asked me to help find him a name. i jokingly said i thought he didn't want me interfering with that. he said he still didn't, but he only had so much info to go by. he said that i should look, and just hand over bunches of names, to help him find the right one. i said i would.)
(when i came back we decided we should wrap this up. so the last thing we did was check on jeremiah-- laurie, chaos, xenophon, genesis, nathaniel and leon came with me, but when we got there only i was allowed in. jeremiah's "room" is now more of a dome, but somewhat geometric? laurie said she added "angles" so it wasn't round, which would trigger him. anyway i went in, we talked for a bit, he again asked what had actually happened, i told him the general info, but said julie was involved? he said he was scared of her, i said not to be; she would not hurt him anymore, nor would anyone upstairs, regardless of gender. he said he wanted to not be scared anymore, i said i'd been there, i understood. there was real empathy between us, he was surprised, but it ached to realize we were both struggling with healing from this. i said i'd help him heal, he thanked me for that. i also told him about the heart energy, asked him if he had felt it-- he said yes, but he didn't know what it was; he didn't know if he should be afraid of it or not. i said no, it was nothing to be afraid of, in fact it was the "holiest thing up here." but i told him people would try to make him scared of it, because of that fact. he said he'd be careful. i know before i left i asked if i could shake his hand, he hesitated, said he was still scared. i asked him if the fear was in his heart, saying "don't do this," or if it was just a hesitant fear, and his heart said to try. he said it was the latter, so he closed his eyes tight and stuck out his hand. i changed my energy field though so i was just white energy, took his hand in both of mine and shook it sincerely. he opened his eyes, genuinely shocked, teared up a little. i asked why, he said he didn't know that "a touch could not be dangerous." that hurt to hear, but i told him that yes it was possible, again said i would never hurt him, nor would anyone else. i told him that if he ever needed help, or protection, or anything, to just call for me and i'd be there. i told him that went for laurie too, she'd cut anyone from underground in half. he smiled a little, then "de-fogged" the walls to see outside (they're one-way glass). asked me who the other people with laurie and cz were, especially "that little guy." laughing i said that was my "son-daughter," he asked how that worked, I said xennie was really neither gender but we agreed to call her my "daughter" because of a "certain game." i then told him about nier, how it had made me want to be a father, but in a non-traditional way. i explained how i had prayed that, if there was anything not evil in the pink energy we were both so hurt by, to let me be able to have a daughter from it. and i did. jeremiah was the one to tear up a bit at that, he said he was glad to hear that, he was hoping that "what he believed wasn't true"... that people were dangerous, he was always at risk, that he was never safe. i told him that wasn't true-- people were not dangerous, he was protected and loved here, he would always be safe. he then said he'd like to talk to xennie one day, she seemed like someone he wanted to be friends with. i said she'd love to be friends with him. i also remember him commenting how nathaniel "didn't look like a boy or a girl," i said he was really more of a moth. jeremiah answered with a distant "that's good, bugs are good," which made me smile. he also had no problem with nat's apparent relationship with leon (they were holding hands), saying it didn't feel or look dangerous to him at all. i assured him that every relationship upstairs was like that.)
(jeremiah thanked me before i left, i gave the people outside a run-down of what we had spoken about (genesis walked over from the roof edge, i was shocked and asked him where he'd been (jeremiah and i hadn't even seen him); he said he was looking out over the city. laurie kept telling me to get downstairs and type this up though, before i forgot it, so here i am!)
(I REALLY hope that's everything, good lord that's a lot of text)