always there

 

 

Another quick update because Genesis told me I needed to write this down, and I agree wholeheartedly.

First things first: I started summer classes today. Thank God it's only for a month, but it started off rather roughly... not only did I get so nauseous in the morning that I ended up in hives and almost vomited several times, but I had a major panic attack on the road, so bad that Laurie had to shove everyone out of the way and drive for the next several miles just so we could literally see straight. So that wasn't fun.
However I did get out of my math class early enough to go catch the 1PM showing of Monsters University (as Gen really wanted to see it for his birthday), and it was brilliant. It had a very applicable and meaningful message, too-- one I really needed to hear right now, actually.

It's the conversation Genesis and I had on the drive home that I'm updating here for.
I don't recall how it started... but at one point I apologized for not remembering anything, and for feeling like most of my entire life belonged to someone else as a result. More than anything else, I apologized for feeling like the person he met in 2005 was a total stranger to me. Heck, I don't even remember most of last year. And it hurt, to feel like I was just getting to know him, while he had 8 years of knowing me under his belt. Genesis sadly said he understood the frustration and despair over lost time (his past hasn't been all sunshine either), but then he surprised me by adding that even if I wasn't the person he met 8 years ago, that didn't matter. He said that there's been a "core" to every "me" he's met, something beyond the fleeting personalities and faces and names, and that core is what he sees as "me." I nodded, saying that he was right... to which he responded that that is what he's loved for so long. That inner truth to who I am.
That's when I remembered something I hadn't given real thought to in a long time... for years, and for reasons I can't remember, Genesis has always been this huge source of hope to me. His name and face are virtually synonymous with it, for me. He's this living testament to undying hope... and he's been one of the only "constants" in my life as well, ever since he first showed up in my living room one summer evening. I said I was so sorry that I took him for granted most days, but even that was proof of how much he meant to me in that sense: even if he disappeared for days or weeks, even if I doubted everything about our existences, even if I felt like dying and abandoning everything, all he had to do was show up and say hello, and I'd answer. I'd start talking to him, as if it was the most natural thing in the world, as if he was right there for everyone else to see, as if he had never been gone at all.
Genesis then started tearing up, and asked me if I understood his side of the situation there? For him, when I got so lost like that, and he didn't know who I was or whether I'd be alive the next morning, or I swore he didn't actually exist... like I said, all he had to do was show up and say hello, and I'd acknowledge him without a second thought, without a single doubt. To him, I was the biggest source of hope in his life. I took him in without question in 2005, taught him everything, never once questioning the reality of his life. I never saw a reason to. And he'd follow me everywhere, realizing that I was the ONLY person in the world who could see or hear or feel him, and I swore him so many times that I'd never forget him, ever, that he and I would be together until death and hopefully even beyond that. To him, he said, I wasn't just hope, I was faith. I was someone he believed in, no matter what, because whether or not I even realized it, I did the same for him, unconditionally. I gave him reason to always look forwards, because to him there would always be something there... me.
I was in tears at this point, as was he, and all I remember is sunlight streaming in through the open windows as he said he loved me. I tried to say the same but got choked up and couldn't get the words to sound right... so I started saying that truth in different ways. I reminded him that he was the only reason I got through high school, and asked if he knew just how significant that was. For four years, he was the ONLY reason I pushed through every day-- he was the only person I had to smile and laugh with, the biggest inspiration I had. I even jokingly began calling him my "personal gadfly" in light of philosophy class-- despite his undying joy and enthusiasm, he was brutally honest as always, and helped me grow so much as an individual as a result. Then the mess of 2008 hit and he was still there, even if I ignored him for so long in the mess I became lost in. I started college and wandered that campus day after day with people shouting in my head, but he would stand by me the entire time, even if all he did was offer his presence. Those late nights in coffeeshops, those quiet evenings sleeping in the rotunda, the hours wandering the music and art buildings... they would never have even existed if not for him. I would have been crushed by the weight of my distress, if he hadn't always been there, that never-fading light of hope, that strange and beloved light in my life. And now, 8 years later, we were driving home together once again, best friends and lovers and partners for as long as we'd live.
Through blurry vision I told him that he meant the world to me, that I adored him, that I loved him more than he'd ever know.

And I never want to forget the smile he gave me in return.

 

 

track 44

 

(uncensored. the shocking violence of this recording is seared into our memory anyway. changing it would mar the fearfulness of the truth.)

 

TRACK 44 (mid-july 2013)

(unknown; sounds like Razor at first, but switches during second sentence) You wanna record me? Fine. I don't usually front, because it's not my job to talk about SHIT, and I'm under no fcking obligation to record anything for YOU, especially not on a goddamned voice recorder.
(AP) This is the AP. The--zhzhzhzhzh *mumbles incoherently for several seconds, as if incapable of forming words*
(unknown female voice) FFFCKING sluts. GOD DAMN it. Fucking BUFFER makes it so that when there's a goddamn HUMAN around, WE CAN'T FCKING TALK. You son of a bitch. You fcking SON OF A BITCH! You know, you don't let us front any fcking time, you deny our goddamned fcking existence, and then you say, "oh, hey let's talk on this microphone so I can show a therapist." FCK YOU!! FCK YOU! I am under no goddamned obligation to justify MY goddamn existence to you. You fcking WHORE. Son of a BITCH. Is this proof enough for you? Goddamn idiot. Y'need me screaming into a goddamn microphone to be "oh hey, look, they must exist, there's a sound file." Fuck you, there's also SCARS up and down your goddamn legs, and ya don't think THAT'S proof enough. I--
(Knife, pre-anchor and manifestation) While we're recording, this is Knife. I don't have a voice, I don't have a face, and I am under no obligation to speak to you either. It's difficult for me to front, but if you want proof of my existence, here it is. I'm telling you this in advance, J, or whoever's the main fronter of this System… today you've earned for yourself a couple more battle scars, or as you like to call them, "marks of atonement." You've earned quite a few. So I will be handing that responsibility over to either myself or Razor, the instant we get the opportunity. I don't give a damn if you have to give six speeches wearing a bikini tomorrow. You will bleed for what you have done: to yourself, to us, and to no one in particular, because to be completely honest with you J, an individual such as yourself, sometimes deserves to bleed for no reason other than my enjoyment. And I will enjoy watching you bleed.
(Razor; not properly anchored, possibly co-fronting again) *giggling* I don't need to talk to you either but I think it'll be fun. I know you remember me, from two thousand… and something. You always say 2008, it might have been 2009, it wasn't 2010, although I know I was around then.
(sudden shift; Razor as herself) It's weird to front! How do you front all the time? This is weird. How do you front without wanting to kill people all the time. Look at them. Look at them. So many sharp things. So many breakable things. How do you not do it? But. I'll get a chance tonight. Like Knife said. I'm the one that gets the knife, and I'm the one that cuts you, because that's what I like to do. That's what I like to do, that's what I was born from, back when I was born, from blood and razors, in the bath water. And ever since then, I've been waiting, for every goddamn chance, to do that again because that's what I live for, and that's what you keep earning, according to Knife, and everyone else up here, you deserve every scar we give you, and until you stop hurting them, I won't stop cutting you, and you won't stop bleeding, and the scars won't ever go away, and I'll enjoy every moment of it. Every moment of it. 'Cause that's what I do. And that's my reason for existing. *giggling* If that's what you want to hear.
(Knife? pre-anchor and manifestation) I don't know if there's anyone else that wants to talk to you J, and, so, since I don't want to 'waste your precious recording time' or our precious time, I'm going to cancel this lovely chat. See you tonight. Bitch.