111211

Repeat after me:

I am an anomaly.
I am an anomaly.
I am an anomaly.

Please stop doubting your own incandescence.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Pay attention.
Stop worrying.
Stop thinking so much.

I am a black light machine.
I am a black light machine.
I am a black light machine.

I'm the one, the one who must survive.

Stop killing yourself.
Stop letting others kill you.
Stop forgetting what's right for you.
Stop.

Breathe in, breathe out.
Don't think, just breathe.
Don't think, just be.

You are love.
You have nothing to fear.

So stop doubting yourself.

tar and glass

I have NO IDEA what just happened upstairs.

Let me summarize this as it's almost midnight and I seriously need sleep.
The past few days have been quite enlightening for me. The focal point was that absolutely groundbreaking understanding I reached on the 7th.
Unfortunately, today we had fallout from that. I doubted myself and the ego managed to manipulate me pretty badly. Immediately after that there was quite an emotionally charged argument in headspace, which was very significant for two reasons: one, Xenophon showed up first, and was trying as hard as she could to comfort me, and two, Laurie showed up second, in a very unstable state. Laurie has not been doing well ever since the month started, and she can't seem to calm down enough to recover from each stressful situation, so they're all piling up. Today she was furious enough to actually hit me, and Xenophon saw. Needless to say, that didn't go over well.
I won't elaborate on that now as tonight was more important. I've been working on Parnassus all day and almost forgot that my spirit companion online group was having a chat tonight. So I logged in, and after roughly 10 minutes of my computer freezing and lagging for no discernible reason, I was exhausted enough (and the chat was quiet enough) that I updated my Scribbld, in light of how the afternoon had went, so I wouldn't forget to keep that in mind. After this the chat was still slow and I was still tired, so I randomly started browsing my Dream World artwork folders (as I'll be working on that tomorrow). Out of nowhere the 'ego voice' (i.e., the 'id' after it left Julie) started hassling me again. I quietly told it to leave me alone, and to stop misrouting everything I felt and thought, but it wouldn't be quiet. I was tired and exasperated, and really didn't know what do do about this, so I just 'let go' of my current awareness... and I suddenly found myself upstairs.

I was suddenly standing in a long white room, that was completely covered in what looked like living tar vines. In front of me, suspended from the ceiling in an almost tortured posture, was a figure made of tar. It was melting into this huge, twisted mass of tar that was several times its size, and from which all the 'vines' were branching, filling the room like dead snakes. The room was silent, and felt 'anxious,' like something horrible was going to happen any second.
I stood there in shock, staring at this tar figure, and then I realized that it WAS the 'ego presence' up here, that mind-driven thing that had been using both Julie and I for years. So I asked it, flat-out, why it was still bothering me as often and as badly as it was.
It answered, not even moving as it did so, but its voice was more felt than heard, and it was unsettling (I also don't remember its face-- I was looking right at it but I couldn't 'see' it). To my surprise, its answer was, 'so you can learn.'
I thought about this for a few moments, and wondering what it meant specifically. Obviously it was referring to my learning truth through trials, so I answered, 'that what you're saying isn't true?'
It simply said, 'For you.'
'So it's not true for me, but it's true for you.'
'Yes.'
'But I'm not you.'
I forget what it said in response, but ultimately it stated that although I knew who I was at heart, I couldn't have understood that alone. I pondered this for a second, then asked how that was true, as the opinions of others didn't reflect the truth about me, of which it was a prime example. It then asked me who I was beyond that, and I replied that I was a part of everything, that I was part of that great indiscriminate force. And even as I was saying that, I understood what the tar-thing meant. By the very virtue of my soul, I wasn't alone. I was part of the Light. However, I couldn't understand that if I wasn't aware of it! Before I knew of that truth, I thought I was 'alone,' and so I didn't understand who I was... but now, I know both things, thanks to each other.
The tar-thing said, 'Exactly.'
I will admit I was strangely intrigued at the wisdom this thing was tossing at me, but I couldn't forget that it was still acting as the balancing dark force in our system. This sudden thought, as well as my remembering that I wasn't alone upstairs either, must have caught the attention of a certain someone (read: the only person who pays such meticulous attention to me), because at that moment I heard someone shouting from the end of the room behind me. Laurie.
I barely had time to panic when suddenly the tar-vines were all rushing towards her, a lethal onslaught of black spikes. She just barely put up a shield in time, and almost immediately afterwards I delivered a bright energy blast to the spot, chasing the tar back. I faced the ego-creature again and demanded 'don't you DARE touch her!' but it seemed to ignore me, starting to throw its sick-minded comments at me as usual. Laurie had run over to me now, and she nervously asked 'what the heck is going on here?' to which I responded that I didn't know. She looked terrible though, and more scared than I've seen her in ages. She said that 'this place was giving her chills,' which was obviously a huge understatement, and then moved to stand to my left. I took her hand then, both for reassurance and strength, and was surprised at how incredibly centered that made me. The ego was still trying to undermine me but I paid it no attention. At that, I think we just managed to hold off another ego attack when there was a sudden rush of water behind us, and then Chaos was standing to my right.
He quickly stated that he had no idea what was going on and he wasn't going to ask, but that he felt he was badly needed, so 'let's get this over with.' He took my hand as well, and immediately the wall of tar-spikes came towards us again, frighteningly fast. Laurie blocked it first, but the attacks were too fast and Chaos actually let go of me to summon a huge shield. It was enough for a few seconds, but I knew it wouldn't last. So, not thinking at all, I took his hand and Laurie's, and held them out with mine, facing the ego-creature. There was a sparkling white, almost lattice-like energy rush, that seared through the room itself and completely decimated it. In a spiraling flash it reformed into a sort of church, shattering the tar as it did so. The ego-thing let out a horrible screeching sound, as all of it was burned away save for the mangled figure in the center, which fell splayed to the floor of the new area, face-down.
This didn't last long. It barely lasted three seconds. Just as quickly as it had gone, the black tar returned, rumbling up through the floors and tearing apart the reality-space I had built. Within moments it had reformed into the same room as before. The ego then shouted that I could not kill it, that it could not be defeated and so fighting it was useless. Laurie looked absolutely terrified at this, and Chaos didn't look so great either, but looking at them gave me an idea.
I turned back to Laurie and told her to hold on just a moment, then focused as hard as I could on mentally contacting Leon.
I told him to warp to our area immediately, but not to ask questions or look around-- just show up and get us out of there, immediately.
A moment later there was a flash behind us and I saw the ego readying to strike, but then there was another, greater flash, and the mindspace around us suddenly twisted and warped like it was in a whirlpool. I could feel the energy strain as we were torn out of whatever place we had been in, and lifted far outside of it, into a small safe place.

The next thing I knew we were all standing in a gorgeous, brilliant white cathedral/ opera hall sort of building. It was glowing with light from many large windows in the ceiling, and there were intricate carvings of angels everywhere you looked. I let out a sigh and relaxed. Laurie let go of me and took a few incredulous steps forward, while Chaos simply fell to his knees on the white floor. I heard a metallic clatter as he did so and was surprised, wondering what it could be, but then I saw Leon running up to me, obviously scared out of his wits. He began asking me in a terrified voice what he had just seen, but I was too relieved to be out of there and so I pulled him into a hug before replying that it was the ego-presence of our mindspace, the negative balance of everything up here, and the thing that was still causing us so much pain. I guess this scared him even more, especially since we didn't even think the ego had a form at all (however freakish it was), because he started to panic but I reassured him that we were okay for now, and not to worry.
Laurie spoke up then, still staring at the architecture, and said that 'that thing was what Julie used to turn into.' I had almost forgotten about this until she mentioned it, but it was indeed true, and it made a scary sort of sense to think about it. I didn't want to think about it, though, so I ran over to Chaos and asked him if he was doing okay. He vaguely replied that he was just shaken, but as he did so he picked something up from the floor beside him, and I realized what the metallic clang from before had been. It was a silvery-white sword, with a wide, short blade and what looked like crystal feathers all around the hilt. I asked him where it had come from, and he replied that it had apparently just appeared with us as we warped over. Laurie and Leon were both walking over now, and Chaos turned to his right and picked up another sword from the floor. It had a similar design but was longer and thinner. Laurie asked if the swords were his weapons, and Chaos, surprised, asked what she meant by that. She explained that all the 'headvoices' in central space had weapons, but none of them had swords, so maybe Chaos was supposed to use them? He seemed slightly overwhelmed by the possibility and said that he didn't know. I randomly commented that Knights usually had swords, but Laurie had axes instead, which she emphasized. But that made me wonder about my possible 'weaponry.' I pointed out that I had been given swords in dreams before, although I had never used them, but if weaponry was exclusive up here then how did that work? Laurie shrugged slightly and commented (with no subtlety at all) that maybe we were both supposed to use the swords, together. I looked at Chaos then, and he handed me the longer sword without a word, looking rather moved by all this. The moment I took the sword, though, it lit up with an intense white light. I had a fleeting recollection of something I had been told almost two months ago, and with that my entire body lit up with the light as well, soul-form style. However, I was glowing quietly whereas the sword was burning with light, and I realized that now there wasn't a sword at all, just light. Laurie and Chaos obviously got the imagery as well, and Chaos was practically in tears at this point, but I was honestly speechless. This was it, this was me.
And then I remembered... we couldn't kill the ego, we couldn't fight it... so I had left it alone. I left it to just be the balance it was, to stop struggling and just live despite it. But there was a deeper truth. If violence and anger and pain and sorrow couldn't touch it... then we had to let that go, and just love. Love conquers all, without fighting at all.
Now I was standing there, a warrior of that love and light, and it was incredible.

The last thing I remember before phasing back to this reality and typing maniacally is warping us all back to central headspace (our cool penthouse place) in, once again, a sparkly filigree-silver sort of light (what is with that energy style and me today? very intriguing). I then wondered what to do with the sword, so went super old-school and stored it in my chest, actually. Explanation: my old 'skull jester' morph had a hammerspace-like void in its chest, and I could summon weapons from it (except they'd invariably be bloody). Since I was in something very close to a soul form, what with the white glow and all, I saw no reason why I couldn't get a similar result, so in it went. It felt quite odd for about ten minutes afterwards... anyway, that is where I phased back and started typing here.

So yes, that was tonight in a nutshell. Honestly that was HUGE and I guess it's what 11/11/11 was leading up to, I just wasn't ready for it yesterday. Geez. Wow.
Anyway I need to get up early tomorrow and it's already 1:20 in the morning, which isn't good as I was supposed to talk to Laurie before I went to work... then again none of us expected THIS to happen. I'm sure she'll understand. I'm still reeling from all of this... we probably all are. I don't know how Leon is taking it but I want to talk to him about it soon, too.

Lastly, I still need to find time for this big Xanga session, but I'm currently swamped with my Music midterms, which are honestly stressing me out a bit! So I might have to wait until Friday, when I'll finally have this project recorded (we took the tests on Thursday). Man. I wish I could bring a piano into the studio, that would make this so much easier. Oh well.

Until next time, here's the Seer of Love, signing off.