hello there!

Dude I think this is my second favorite online journal that is publicly viewable.
Seriously. Visible icons, Sailor Moon mood theme, awesome background, easy interface... it's awesome.
My aqua journal is tops, of course, but this one's cool too!

Anyway.
I know I've been gone for a while... there's a good reason.
I've been running a lot, as usual. I've also been hiding, and trying to find myself again.

I've been catching happy little fragments of my childhood in butterfly nets and keeping them close to my heart.
I could have sworn I'd never find them again, but wha-la! Praise be to God, they were just around the corner. So I found a few of them again.
I don't want to lose this like I did when I first had it... I don't want to take it for granted. I need to appreciate and keep this little bit of joy, of simple happiness, of innocence and sunny weekend mornings and first snowfalls and Celebi cards and lined-paper comics and locking myself in my room and thinking about the Dream World in front of the mirror. Philosophizing in the third grade. I used to.

Now for an update on everything else.

Geez, was I ever an emo crazyhead back in May! Wow!
Looks like the early fall months were pretty darn bad, too.
Man. 2008 was just really rough for me, I guess.


Lynne and Natalie are back.
I'm so glad. They're both helping me very much.
I also invited Reverend Mofo and Bogardus into my headgang, and they accepted! So now I have a crazy monkey preacher and a Nohrin military gambler in my head helping me out. Awesome stuff.

Julie hasn't touched me in days, I think... I honestly can't remember, but it's been a while.
My mind has been desperately clawing to pieces every incident in which she tries to mindrape me, so I don't remember any of them. They happen, I guess, and then I'm so broken and/or traumatized from the self-disassociation that my mind just... eats itself.
It's scary.

Anyway. On that note.
Remember, way back in one of these journals (I think my LJ) that I said, "there are some things that I can't even talk to Chaos and Selph about?"
Well...they know.
No, I didn't tell them.
Chaos found out by accident, after getting into a fight with Laurie one too many times and she decided to fill him in on the graphic details of my mental hell.
I remember that evening, because he was in a serious state of shock for hours. He confronted me about it, too. "Why didn't you tell me she was doing this to you?" Furious, hurt, scared more than anything else. I felt the same.
So Chaos found out without my knowing... found out everything. Understood, knew everything.
It scared me, humiliated me at first to know that he now knew everything I had suffered at Julie's hands, but thank God he didn't condemn me or shoot me down or even shun me. No, he just focused his fury on Julie instead of Laurie, and every time that girl so much as looked at me maliciously he'd practically be at her throat.
It just offended him, I guess... both the fact that I hadn't spoken up about the abuse and the fact that she was abusing me like that in the first place.
But I am glad that he understands the most important thing.
I never wanted for any of that abuse to happen, and I still don't. He doesn't hold it against me, and I'm slowly learning not to hold it against me either.
Unfortunately, I do want Laurie's abuse when she gives it to me, and Chaos is still very distraught by that.
I'd stop, but... the pain keeps me sane. I need that shock, that icy burn, to keep my mind focused.
I just wish I could get it another way then handing the controls over to my resident violet maniac and letting her give me another scar.


Selph found out because he's around me all the time.
I let it slip, once. Selph was wondering why some evenings I'd suddenly spiral downwards into a horrible self-loathing fit, even when I was having a fantastic day up until that point. One day I was trying to explain without mentioning Julie, but I guess I said something that I shouldn't have because, before I realized it, Selph was screaming and crying "you mean she's the reason you're like this? Why didn't you tell me?" Same as Chaos. I trust them, I really do... but I didn't tell them this because I knew it would hurt.
Needless to say, I was forced to slowly fill Selph in on the details... slowly, painfully, as I had tried to keep him innocent where he wouldn't have to worry about this sort of thing. But he wanted to know... he didn't want to be blind to what I was going through.
Once he understood it all, Selph decided to go all out in keeping Julie away from me whenever possible, in whatever way he could.
Actually, I'm very thankful for that. All that painful admittance and all the fights it triggered... Selph and I have grown even closer together because of it all, despite the pain and confusion. We were virtually inseperable before, but geez.... look at us now.


So the fighting has subsided for now. Julie's gone MIA, thank God, so everyone outside of my main 4 is quieter than usual. I'm in a better mood that usual, too, as I've been dealing with this problem since last January and only recently have I begun to realize how to stop it.


On that note, with feeling better than usual...
Chaos and I are celebrating our 5th anniversary on Tuesday.

I know, I know, that's very unlike me. I have never been one to keep track of birthdays and anniversaries, let alone remember them.
But now, I'm looking back on memories and nothing has dates... it feels broken, disjointed. Like I want to catch it but it's just a filmy fragment and it keeps slipping through my fingers. So I'm trying to make these things a big deal... trying not to take them for granted.

I'm planning a ridiculously detailed picture for it, too. I won't give away any details now, but I've been planning this thing for months so I'm really looking forward to getting it done.
But seriously... my red and blue pencils are going to be dead when I'm done!


Well... I could keep on ranting about music and Pokemon and my childhood and eBay and Christmas and all that but it's already 3AM and I should really get to sleep.

Have a good night... and Merry Christmas, if I don't see you until then.

It was nice to see you again!

 

Wishing Star

 

Very, very quick update as it's one minute to-- oh, never mind. It's 4AM.

Anyway, how have you been?
I know I said I was starting over back in October... well, I did. Yes, I actually followed through immediately for once!
It took a lot of work, a lot of experimentation, far too many risks, far too many battles, and far too much pain, but... I've begun to find my happiness again.
Little things, right now, but they're helping.


Now about the title... my Jirachi plushie is sitting to my left so I decided to put her nickname up there.
You know... "The wishing star of seven nights." It just struck me as very inspirational all of a sudden.

I think about that, too, and I wonder.
If I had a wish... three wishes, maybe, or just one... what in the world would I wish for?
Realistically, you know. It's like the Genie from Aladdin said: "I can't kill anyone, I can't make anyone fall in love with you, and I can't bring anyone back from the dead!" Limits, you know.
But is that all?
I don't think it's possible, at all, to have world peace or end world hunger or do anything huge like that through a wish, no matter how badly I may want it. You'd be manipulating too much, changing too much at once. It's impossible.
Same with salvation and stuff like that... you can't wish for it, only work for it!
So what would I wish for, that I really need?
I mean, I can think of things that I want, but can't we all?
What do I really need?


I'm not too sure, actually.
I could wish for peace in my family... for my mother to finally have a house, for my aunt to stop suing us.
I could wish for my father to stop drinking and smoking, to get back on track with his life... I could wish for my family to stop hating him.
I could wish for my grandparents to have good health for years to come. No cancer... no heart attacks...
I could wish for my brothers to grow up without experiencing what I had to experience. I could wish for them to get great jobs and careers and marriages and so they never have headvoices like I do.
I could wish for my friends to find peace and happiness, too. I'm not too sure what I could say for Ben, but I could wish for Jim to recover from his painful past... I could wish for Q to finally find someone that fits him, that he can have a life with... I could wish for Vickie to find happiness.
I could wish for Julie to go away forever.
I could wish for enough money for college, for surgery, to pay the bills.
I could wish for so much... but what do I really need?


The truth is, I don't know.


And that is why I think that, if I ever had a wish, I'd probably wish for it to be given to someone else... someone wiser, someone who had better insight and foresight and hindsight, who knew what they were doing and weren't bloody-eye blind like I am, crazy white irises and all. Can't see a damn thing anymore with all these tears and hallucinations. I wonder how Justice does it.

But yes. I honestly don't know what I'd do.


Well... maybe I'd wish for a little more self-worth, so I stop thinking I don't deserve anything at all.

But I think I'd be happier going it alone, you know... running like always.
Life's an adventure. I can't stop, I can't cheat, I refuse to take the easy way out.
I make it hard on myself, but I like it this way.


Maybe I'd wish that I never lose faith.
I want to be able to keep running... to keep trying, to keep hoping and dreaming and inspiring... and wishing.
I want to never lose sight of where I ultimately want to be.


Is that selfish?
Could I do better with a wish?

Solomon wished for wisdom, and I could really use that, too.
I want to be just, I want to be fair, I want to live better for the sake of others...



But I don't know. Today's world is so crazy, I... could I do something for them directly, or... I don't know.



Geez.



Jirachi, dear, go give someone else a wish.






When daytime turns to night,
When the moon shines bright,
When you're tucked in tight,
And everything's alright

Slip softly to that place,
Where secrets thoughts run free,
And there come face to face,
With who you want to be!

So, swim across the ocean blue;
Fly a rocket to the moon!
You can change your life
Or you can change the world!
Take a chance, life is yours to live!

Make a wish!
It's up to you!
Find the strength inside, and watch your dreams come true!
You don't need a shooting star.
The magic's right there in your heart!
Close your eyes
Believe...and make a wish!

 

 

months

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL (CANNON)

 

So we haven't spoken on here in months?

No, apparently not.

Dang. That's a long time. And a lot has been going on.

I know... more people in my head, more personality switches...

Fights with Julie.

Fights with Julie... too many of those.

This had better not turn into a full-blown entry.

No, I'm too tired, and it's already 4:30 AM. That, and I have to draw that anniversary picture for Tuesday, you know.

You're not going to be happy until you mention that in every journal of yours, are you.

I just want to get the word out, I guess. It's an unconscious thing. I'm not thinking too much right now.

Shoot, really?

Yeah.

Then get the heck to bed, Jewel. Seriously, Julie is going to hack you if you aren't careful.

She's not going to hack me, Laurie. There are too many people watching her right now.

What, like Bogardus and Chaos and Mofo? You forget, though, I'm the only one who can touch her.

You're not going anywhere, though... right?

No, I'm not, but if you're tired enough then I can't break through when she's there. Your mind is a freaking mess, remember.

I remember. By the way, we really need to get all of you together and just talk one day.

What do you mean, 'all of us?' You mean like Natalie and Lynne?

Yeah... and maybe Julie and Missy too, all of them...

Jewel, are you insane? You can't just willingly let her in here! She'd start a living hell!

Not if I have enough people on the sidelines keeping her in control.

Oh, sure, and who the heck is going to stand around and watch her while all of us are having a conversation? If she decides to go primal on you, then you're screwed unless I do the same, and then what's going to happen to the conversation? Gone, down the drain. Out like a light. And I really don't want to expose Natalie to her either.

Natalie's seen her before.

Not that close. Not that dangerously close. I still think you shouldn't let her in.

What if she fights her way in?

Then I'll fight her the heck out. I'm not going to let her touch you.

Thanks, Laurie. Now I really should get some sleep.

Darn straight you should. You said you were staying up to get Darkrai on eBay, and five hours later you haven't moved. What the heck.

I honestly don't know. I guess it's one of those floating nights.

It's going to get much worse if you don't get your sorry ass into your room right now, sir.

All right, all right. I'll see you later, Laurie.

That you will, Jewel. That you will.

 

 

 

Hey

Did I ever tell you guys about the time, a few months back already, when Laurie slapped me in the face and hugged me both within five minutes?

Yeah. She was crying for that, actually, which I've only seen her do one other time. It was also the first time we've ever made real physical contact of any sort.



Laurie hasn't done either of those things again since then, but... I figured it was worth mentioning.