Last day of 2022.

We didn't update yesterday because we spent a while trying to back up the Tumblr archives so we'll finally be done. It's taking a while but we got another 100 pages down.
I don't remember the 29th. I know we slept in and just didn't do anything. Stayed home. I think maybe we did Leaguework? But memory is shot.
Dealing with so much depression lately.
gender dysphoria hell. body weight hell. religious meltdowns. family stress. can't deal
don't see any future like this
don't want one honestly, if it's going to be defined by this tangled mess of a mental state
Miserable 
930 already and mom wanted us to stay longer
we said no
don't remember the drive home
got home and kept throwing up from sheer overwhelm and stress 
wanted to weep and scream but couldn't feel anything just so tired and disgusted and sad
blood sugar hit the bricks again
got the nerve to eat a real dinner. needed it, both for the body and for the time spent with headspace people
 
Biked & watched Ron's Gone Wrong
CRIED at the end it was so sweet
unexpected catharsis from these kids movies. i think it's because we're not "in the body" so we CAN express emotion? but it's detached from personality. really weird phenomenon. wondering if this is a PERSON holding this role.

Stayed up until midnight watching the countdown on WCII
Kissed Chaos 0 of course  

Fireworks in three different spots in the sky, really lovely
called everyone over to see of course
Stayed up until almost 130 lying on the bed beneath the window & talking to Mimic really
hopes for planning for new futures, discussing the past, etc.
he's being more open. says he can't rightly push us to stop being cowards and then be one himself. no running away from things. i admire that
honestly i love his attitude, i like having someone around with an edge, someone shrewd & a bit of a smart-aleck. impudent even at times. but so many of us have gotten soft. it's rot really. we need to shape up.
i'm scared of that rubbing off on him. yeah he's changed, that's the outspacer norm, villainy is always transmuted, but... i don't want him getting soft. i'm so tired of that. keep your knife. just use it better.

whole gang really was around for new years it meant so much to me. meant more than the birth family even. they just did automated ritual. eat food and watch media junk on tv. pop music and alcohol. hell no
we just gathered around our phone and watched it flip over to all zeroes
celebrated we survived another year, all together, just us. meant so much

 
(unfinished, disjointed)

Therapy this morning
tried emdr "eye movement" thing
PANIC ATTACKS. kept wondering why. wanted to throw up. body started shaking.
realized it's because it's the SAME "eye-darting" movement we do when we're HYPERVIGILANT and "scanning for danger"
she keeps wanting us to "visualize your safe space" dammit there is no such thing, not even inside, the tar or plague can attack you anytime.
the only safe place is next to laurie's axe

230pm breakfast???
by the time we got home and calmed down it was so late
body wrecked. we're just so exhausted emotionally though

oh and mom called like immediately after
said get in the car i got 4pm tickets to see AVATAR
so we went. best thing to do today is just forget about physical reality for three solid hours

honestly GREAT DECISION
what a movie. very immersive. love the whales.
big focus on family though. triggered a lot of stuff for us.
so disturbed too by the gender issues. why is that haunting us so much.
whole movie kept thinking "what does it mean to be a man" "what does it mean to be a father" "i wouldn't feel like i belonged in ANY of these groups" totally alienated and shaken up. felt wrong and invisible and sick

mom and her boyfriend literally got up and left the second the credits came on the screen
we said wtf, we need to process and decompress, why are you rushing out????? what the hell
genesis & i sat there and just watched the words roll, theater emptied out fast, people were legit pointing and laughing at us "hey the movie's over weirdo" whatever dude there is a very particular peace to an empty theater and the credits and the music. like waking up from a dream. key part of the experience.
mom has no chill though she kept yelling and waving "it's over hurry up" wtf calm down
she talked ALL through the movie too we had to angrily "SSHHH" her several times, it was disturbing. like she DOESN'T GET IMMERSED???? she just talks and comments and eats??? does she even experience the movie? what the hell is her brain even doing

best thing about seeing movies though
IMAGINING HEADSPACE STUFF WITH THE FICTION LAG
we often lose chunks of time during the film because of dissociation haha but it's worth it
FIGHT SCENES WITH LAURIE & INFI & CHAOS 0
honestly it... it was amazing. we all felt so real.
i felt like myself. that almost NEVER happens anymore.
all white hair and crazyeyes. sheer RED powers. using infi's feathers as cupid arrows. et cetera. chaos so gorgeous to see, all that water, mental clarity boosted from seeing the film. laurie using her oft-forgotten "gravity" powers, using everything purple to power-up like she does in dreams, metal can't hurt her she just grafts it into her axe. infi in absolute mad-enamored mode. beautifully terrifying. ze & i practically symbiotic in that state. i forgot how close we were until i felt that, the both of us high on blood & love to the point where our colors were melting together.
man this is the sort of stuff jewel used to do "write-outs" for in high school. i miss this. so much.

mom just loves living late i don't get it, does she never sleep???
got home at 845. thank god we had prepped food earlier
Dinner at 9
of course couldn't go right to sleep so we planned to stay up late.
went on OLD computer

Reading old entries about Rio & Markus 
So much old love
SHOCKED at how shameless the Jewel was about her emotions back then (2005)????? like she had NO self-loathing or self-disgust at ALL. she was in love and she was happy and she expressed that openly. now if i even try i want to eviscerate myself. i use those pronouns very loosely, i am aware that only a core can express love and the cores cannot be in the body without being corrupted or opposed, even typing, because they're "too emotional" and that's "stupid and wrong and evil and disgusting"
how did this happen???

lots of amusing comments too though, while reading. shenanigans upstairs from the gang
Genesis and the shopping cart 

as i was reading I randomly realized Leon is Noel backwards, Laurie thought this was hilarious
she called him down to pester him affectionately about this and ultimately they ended up shoving each other into snowbanks in good fun
leon is... changing. in a good way. but odd. he's really moving solidly into indigo, and that particular vibe. he was leaning blue for too long, it wasn't healthy. i notice laurie is healthier too when she leans violet.

Mimic pinged when reading about Davy
jewel out with me, emotionally flustered; she didn't want to talk about it, can't get into that memoryspace
i'm half asleep and i accidentally said to mimic "Get some sleep man I love you"
he stopped looked at me "what"
i kind of froze haha, laurie absolutely elated, immediately calls me out "dude we ALL heard you"
still mimic almost blew it off. unsurprisingly. brusque banter with him about it
at some point i remember commenting "do I have to break you"
"Is that a threat"
i said "yeah, yeah it is" no idea what i was talking about but my subconscious does i guess
forget the conversation BUT as he leaves he just states "I do still remember that dream you know"
ONE WALL DOWN???
LAURIE GOT OUT THE CHAMPAGNE 

Julie showed up to talk a bit

Lots of core switching while reading, inevitably

Earlier Julie TRIED to hold her OLD COLOR (yellow hair, blue eyes)
Wreckage WARPED in instantly, nearly attacked her
Julie said go ahead, she'd rather get hurt & recover than let the Tar get away w/ imitating her

thinking that Laurie's color shifting WITH CORES???
more violet with the cannons, more purple with the jays??? slightly different roles needed???

Marigold & Jeremiah showed up?? was that because of wreckage?
marigold is like the walking dead, she's in shock. all the kids are so disturbed
she can't talk right now. she's aware and responds but it's so bleary. thousand yard stare

Knife kissing Laurie's head when she was unstable earlier he's such a sweetheart
hurts though to see her so chronically unsteady though. so far the only thing that helps IS pushing her more violet. need to keep reviewing the old days with her. get her true soulvibe back, not what it was corrupted into through socialization function shattering

Wreckage & Laurie arguing a lot about protecting others 
no animosity though. they're legit close friends. but that's how they show it really
genuine conversation. really moving to see tbh

ALENA & JACK IN MIRRORS STILL!!!

CANNOT be myself in the body
Body vibe persona is CORRUPT and NOT ME AT ALL
THIS is what is causing the 3rd person internal perspective ESPECIALLY IN DREAMS
please please type about this in depth it is SO DISTURBING but it explains SO MUCH

btw breakfast was Holy innocents & 1 John 2 Bible study
 
finding new music on spotify?

Library stop after therapy got some animated movies 
there are SO MANY i've never even heard of, so it's exciting

Typing in spices from UPMC into old computer, idea from mom
overwhelming. not sure if we're going to use it but it's one paper down at least

the thought haunting me all day:
Who am I really?

shaken by therapy
looking up "am i really abused" "is this really abuse" "what is trauma" etc. online
esp. considering "self-abuse" within d.i.d. context, no idea how to discuss that, it's WHY we can never get anywhere in therapy we've not only buried it but we never talked about it even when we were GOING THROUGH it

Found in quora:

"If they survive [the trauma] and return to a rational state, it can be terrifying to know that they had no control over their own thoughts and that it could happen again.
Trauma always involves an absolute helpless inability to act in the moment of trauma.
If a person believes they CAN act in some way to protect themselves or prevent the event from happening again, there will not be trauma.
If the survivor of a suicide attempt does NOT believe they can act to avoid or prevent returning to that irrational state of mind they were in when they attempted, they will almost certainly by traumatized..."
 
never heard anyone affirm that before
our life has been defined by feeling completely out of control of ourself and never knowing when we're going to hurt ourself again
it really is traumatic but calling it that feels like such a crybaby copout
same with everything that happened out of state
we COULD NOT protect ourselves or prevent the event
and we were ALWAYS in an irrational state of mind
inherently helpless powerless trapped and PERPETUATING the trauma by our own automated behavior
of course we were traumatized it was like being possessed or puppeteered
don't want to think about that
our brain shut down so much
the WORST memories we can FEEL our brain literally shutting off from sheer terror

don't want this emdr stuff bringing that back up
no
cannot cope. what are we going to do when we remember things
how do you "get better" once you face the reality that THAT HAPPENED
YOU CAN'T ERASE IT
YOU CAN'T SAVE YOURSELF
i can't
can't cope even now


commentary on 1 john 1:7 giving me hope
james coffman:
"This great verse is the source of incredible joy, assurance and consolation to the child of God. He never needs to fear that some impulsive, unintentional, or atypical conduct might overtake him with the result of eternal condemnation. His walking "in the light" can be established by the long term directional thrust of his whole life upon earth and cannot be contradicted and negated by any temporary or insignificant lapse."
adam clarke:
"And being cleansed from all sin is what every believer should look for, what he has a right to expect, and what he must have in this life, in order to be prepared to meet his God. Christ is not a partial Saviour, he saves to the uttermost, and he cleanses from ALL sin."

 "God began a good work in you. And He will continue this work in you until the day Jesus Christ returns. I am sure of this."

 
christmas eve.

while eating breakfast and watching the snow
it hit me that our birthfamily isn't celebrating this year. at all.
first time in our life this has ever happened.

no presents. at all. no celebration. no decorations. nothing.
not that i mind, but... it felt jarring.
we used to love christmas as a kid. all the lights and warmth and music.
there has been literally nothing this year. not a thing.

i felt very alone and empty and sad

then i looked down and i realized that...
Xenophon always sits under our apartment tree
and there she was
on christmas eve

she's the best gift i could ever have imagined
and she's enough
she's forever enough.

Starting this entry on our phone!
Of course it's unfinished, but with time constraints & emotional stress lately that's been inevitable.
Nevertheless, daily updates are mandatory, so here we go.


We were up until 3:15 last night working on trying to finish unfinished entries on here, so as a result we "slept in" until noon. Unfortunately, as usual, we woke up once at 6 and again at 930, and then we couldn't fall back asleep.
Our social worker called again around 10am (they have been regularly calling at this hour) to say we finally have a psychiatrist appointment for January. Honestly, I seriously doubt Hatchet will ever let us take psych meds-- which is shocking because we WERE taking meds during inpatient, but the System was dormant at that time. Even so, they were minor. We refuse to take anything that might muffle internal commuication and/or emotional states, especially antipsychotics. We would rather struggle and fight and learn together, than swallow some chemicals that screw with our brain function. No thank you. That's also why we don't take pain meds-- our body is in pain for a reason, and I am not going to "mute the fire alarm" just because I don't like the noise. I say this with a noted amount of irony as I have been ignoring such alarms in the apartment, but those have been minor every single time (it's a disabled community so even candle smoke can set them off) but I am aware of how unhealthy that response is on my part, especially in regards to not taking Tylenol for a migraine-- sometimes, even alongside the "I don't want to ignore the reality", I am being numb and blind, because I'm just wanting to suffer or put myself in danger, until it gets so bad that my cowardly instincts kick in and I start panicking and praying hysterically. It's humiliating. But at least I'm able to see and admit it. Next step is getting sincere contrition and amendment for it.


Mom actually called like 10 minutes after the social worker, and as usual, talked for a half hour. We love her but she started the call with "I'm sorry, were you trying to sleep?" and then just... kept talking, haha. But she's a scatterbrain and always has been; we never hold that against her. She means well, she just completely loses track of time and thought.
Still... I was sad at how our "conversations" tend to go. She was talking AT me mostly, and I noted (with significant distress) that whenever I "interrupted" to add a comment or response, she would audibly grumble, sigh exasperatedly, and immediately start talking again almost as if I hadn't spoken. I know it's because I'm breaking her train of thought, which is a fragile thing, but I still instinctively react like "my voice does not matter," or worse, "my voice is unwelcome" and "I am being rude and inconsiderate and selfish by speaking up."

At one point the floor fell through metaphorically because mom said "he doesn't like to talk about it, but he gained weight with the meds he was taking for cancer, so he has to buy all new shirts..." like WTF MOM WHO HAS CANCER????? I asked, but she completely dodged the question twice, not even acknowledging that I had asked, not naming names and changing the subject almost instantly. Honestly it is so frustrating when she does that; she'll "hint" at something that she is keeping secret but is apparently struggling to do so alone, as she therefore has no support or ability to discuss it or get comfort, BUT she will refuse to receive those things by acting like she never said anything at all. Sometimes, in the past, she would outright lie and say "I never said that! You're hearing things" and again, immediately change the subject and refuse to acknowledge the previous accusation. 
But mom for heaven's sakes does my BROTHER have CANCER????? what the heck why is my family so secretive, we've been shaken up all day over this, we only found out that her boyfriend had cancer when one day she offhandedly mentioned that "yeah he's sleeping off the chemo today" and I was like WHAT???? and although, again, she refused to elaborate, at some point she had to tell us outright, I think because he was threatening suicide??? it was a disaster. But yeah, mom is... not very good at communicating. No one in our birthfam ever was, sadly.
Anyway. Despite my shock, or maybe in spite of it, she changed the subject hard to baking. Just jumped right in, talking at lightspeed, asking me "did you know this?" "do you know that?" to change my focus. Geez. I guess that's where I picked up my dishonest "redirecting" behavior. At least now I know, and I can feel how wrong it is firsthand, which motivates me to be even more determined to change.
Anyhow,
...
Clothes gifts for siblings. Language showed she is still recalcitrant to acknowledge transgender issues in her kids
She's obsessed with that eight book. Lots of talk about sacred math & sound which we LOVE. 

Suffocation morbid thoughts, also knife fights
Why do we still feel such a bizarre suffering drive? even when we've grown "cowardly" now?
like we want more scars, on some level. we want to "experience terror", to "prove we can survive" and "that we are brave enough To face it." is this trauma again??? what the heck does that to to a brain

Got out of bed for... 1130 I think? body getting shaky from hunger. dislike that but it happens.

Adding the cinnamint oils to the blankets again. Celebi wanted the ylangylang on her anchor plush, haha. We used to put actual candle wax on her forehead years ago, that's where she got that mark.

Showing Xenophon the music boxes mom gave us from the house, she was thrilled
Me having amusing but heartfelt thoughts about "metal is actually a romantic element" because yeah music boxes, but also bells & wedding rings & violin strings & so many other really beautiful things. wondering about how i've always felt weirdly drawn to metal as an element? never really explored that. wonder what the roots of it are.

Late breakfast prep, couldn't concentrate, brain was a mess from fasting so long & not sleeping well. asked everyone to help me
Leon & Scalpel specifically offered their support & aid

Ambulance went by; we ALL spontaneously said a group prayer for the people involved
Felt so close to everyone in that moment, in that genuine care. really moving.


Do NOT add half another apple to breakfast, stomach Does Not Like It

Daily Bible verse John 13:35
"words of encouragement" gesture of love; surprisingly difficult? Clashes with SOCIAL MODE
Mimic observing that "your beliefs about the world are reflected in your actions"; basically if you believe the world is cruel & uncaring & everyone is out to get you, well then you start to act cruel & uncaring and now you're the one treating people badly. self-fulfilling prophecies. "we become what we think"
I emphasized how this is also directly related to what we believe about God or the lack thereof; the "innate nature of reality" as it were. enables or disables hope for change or something better at all

He also had us look up "disciple" to better explain the verse
Interesting etymology!
Ultimate clarification came from HEBREW word "talmid" & culture basis: give up life to become like their teacher, not just studying them. I pointedly called this "Sacred mimicry"

Can't be a disciple if you don't believe your teacher, if you believe it inevitably affects your behavior, etc. 

Since we started eating late, we didn't finish until like 2pm?
We felt slightly sick and extremely tired-- typical-- and so I took Leon & Scalpel up on their offer of support while I did the last few dishes (I've taken up the very smart habit of doing all dishes as I finish that part of the meal, so when the whole thing is done there's just 3 or so items to wash; it minimizes the time in the kitchen during that "interim state" and therefore helps lessen the risk of a panic binge). However, at some point, somehow, one of the ED nousfoni still came out?
She was so nervous, so scared. I don't recall why. She cut a slice of an apple to eat but, again, it was purely compulsive-- I could clearly feel she didn't "want" it, she just felt "compelled" to eat it, and we're still not sure why she does this. But Laurie & Spice both called her out angrily & told her to stop. I tried to be the "good cop" in the situation and comfort her a bit, so she wouldn't crash or "shut down," which most "scared" voices WILL DO if confronted-- their functions are so solidly based on fearful "survival" or coping, that telling them to "stop" feels like A THREAT OF DEATH and so they sometimes will actually REBEL on purpose. It's practically automatic; their roles are so hardwired that they can't "stop," at least not by being ordered or told to.
Still. She was a nervous wreck, poor thing, and I don't know why she almost gets pulled out whenever we're in the kitchen AFTER eating, but she does. And she was trying to pick at every little thing, her fear rising quickly.
I didn't think I could get enough control to walk out of the kitchen, so the only way I could fight her trigger-fronting was to quickly start a different focus in that environment-- which I did by getting out the cloves we bought last night and finishing Xenophon's pomander! We quickly had everyone hanging out again, and the inner "vibe" changed COMPLETELY. Incredible really, how different it feels in the head compared to the Social mindset. It's heartbreaking and frightening. Still, it was an important piece of data to realize. In any case, finishing the orange only took like 15 minutes, but it was a nice little refocus, and even better-- it's done now! Just in time for Christmas. It looks beautiful and smells even better, haha. We don't have a hook for it and don't know where we'd hang it anyway-- we're not allowed to put anything in the ceiling here-- so we set it on the altar for now. It fits, it feels like a symbol of a thurible somehow. I like it.
One interesting note-- for music, we put on Uyama Hiroto radio? And it was playing all ANCIENT tunes like Nujabes & Fat Jon & Minmi & such... the Jayce days. It felt so weird, like a time machine. Xenophon had us switch the music because it was "too jazzy" and didn't fit her style.
Still, wow. Amazing how completely our mental "atmosphere" was changed by that auditory reminder of past Cor(e)s and how they felt to live in this mind/body. Surreal.

Around 3pm, we felt the depression hitting again??? Why this time? Is that tied to some trauma event or reminder? I wonder.
Anyhow, we had just finished brushing our teeth, and it was the Hour of Mercy, so we decided to do the one thing that would help get our mind off the emotional distress-- pray. We're honestly striving to be determined to pray at this hour daily; we need to be accountable and punctual. (We did start closer to 4 again today, but I can't remember why? Still, we didn't use that as a despairing "why even try" excuse, thank God.) So we got on the bike and said the Divine Mercy chaplet and a Glorious Rosary-- those Mysteries are our second favorite, as we always lead them at Mass on Sunday mornings, and the pictures we have saved to our phone for them are so beautiful. I'll have to post a few sometime, maybe with reflections on why we love them; that would be really nice. Our favorites, though, are obviously the Sorrowful Mysteries; those fall on Tuesday which is Adoration Day in QotA and so we like to say those in front of the Monstrance, which basically puts us into a whole other state of consciousness, haha. Literally, we can imagine those events so clearly, it is psychospiritually EXHAUSTING but it is so worth it. It feels like we re-live Holy Week every Tuesday with that Rosary. And, when we say it personally with the photos, the ones we have saved for those are gut-wrenching, ESPECIALLY for the second Mystery-- the Scourging-- which most people are too squicked out by to show art of. (EWTN would completely avoid showing images of it during TV rosaries which genuinely upset us; for us the appalling bloody violence of the scourging is the central part of why that was so mysteriously sacred.)

...
After we prayed, we sadly still felt so sick emotionally, with no strength to do anything positive, because that sort of mindset likes to fuel religious paranoia and fear. So, we went on our phone and started "cleaning out" the 70-or-so tabs we had open, which-- inevitably-- were all religious articles we hadn't finished reading yet, over the past several weeks-- some from even before inpatient! But you can't rush through this stuff; it's heavy reading and it must be integrated as well.
...

We ended up biking for two solid hours, finishing around 6pm because mom called again, haha.
She wanted us to come over and help her bake, but we had to say no-- even though we felt horrible doing so, like an impudent callous brat-- explaining that it was not safe for us to go out this late, especially not to a high-activity, high-noise, overstimulating environment (which, although we love mom, is always what happens around her; it's just her energetic default).
She still wants us to come over on Friday to help her make the Polish rolls-- which we're willing to do of course, but... that's my anniversary. I don't want to spend my whole day dissociated and surrounded by bloody food when I have something infinitely more important to focus on. So... I really don't know what I'm going to do there.
...

Dinner was at 7pm, by the time we got everything prepped, because I insisted on also prepping breakfast again now and not after, again because I knew we'd have some poor disordered gal triggered out.
...

Reading Job 36 more, studying it line by line, Mimic always insisting I clarify every phrase
Phlegmoni & Galadia starting to join him in this; yesterday they were asking "hey why aren't we more involved in this? why aren't we spending more personal time with you in any case?" which is a darn good question. Honestly I think it's just because both of them have virtually no canon history. They are destined to be Leaguespacers-- Phleg is already "linked" to a nascent World-- so it's much, much harder to interact with them in headspace because they DON'T have a solid "identity" of their own yet, and if they get too much of one in headspace, it can severely damage their League-life. So we have to be very careful.
I know I will have to say "goodbye" to them both on some level, at some point. Mimic, too, inevitably-- I can feel the League calling him, and he has expressed a genuine interest in the idea of literally getting a "new lease on life" with that.
Still... I'm really liking having the three newbies around for the holidays, it's sweet.

...

After dinner, as expected, the panic-binge girl came out, and was trying to eat all the SunChips. Well Laurie was FURIOUS and was yelling at her to stop again, as was Xenophon and Mimic and me of course, but she was actively tuning them out AND shutting down her own emotions in order to mechanically continue to "pretend to eat" (yeah, she was doing the chew-spit thing again; at least she recognizes that her impulse is to bite and not eat, per se) because "I'm enjoying this" but she WASN'T. In reality I think there are wires being crossed? There's no "enjoyment" or happiness at all; there's only a false "relief" from the dissociation that occurs WHEN she forcibly shuts everything down and just does automated self-abuse-analogous behavior.
Somehow we stopped her? I think Laurie PUSHED THROUGH to half-front for a second? Because someone took the bag of chips and crushed it, to which the girl shouted "hey!!" petulantly but we said nope, if you're going to continue doing this, we are not going to keep this around, it's too dangerous. Give it to the squirrels.
So we did, literally. We went downstairs and tossed the whole bag of crumbs onto the lawn-- which, amusingly, someone else had done similarly before us, as there were cornflakes all over the place. Well hey, the critters do need to eat. So the ED girl (one of them at least, the bluer scared one) actually felt nice about this? Like she was able to not hurt us and help an animal, basically. It was like seeing the first star in a dark night; there was this new glimmer of "I can be good; I don't have to always be bad!" 
...
Going back inside, probably from eating like three or four chips in that whole hell of a process, plus the overwhelming panic, our body legit wanted to throw up. A different voice kept insisting on this, wide-eyed but emotionally detached, the panic screaming under the surface but her job was just "don't feel. stop the danger. now. do it." VERY chartreuse-feeling, which is RARE and HUGELY NOTABLE.
Still, I REFUSED. I said "I want to fight." And so I did. I told the girl we could take antacids, would that help? She numbly (thousand yard stare, poor thing) said yeah, and took three. Then I immediately brushed the teeth & got into pajamas, and although the body didn't feel any better, it helped pass the time and get us ready to just hop into bed later without further prep.
And that's when I sat down at this laptop! Honestly this is the best possible thing to do when feeling sick or upset; it is a TOTAL ATTENTION SHIFT from the outside to the inside, total detachment from whatever we're feeling, and it can easily be prolonged for hours so it keeps us completely safe.
Anyone who says "technology is the devil" has never talked to us, haha. Honestly, computers have given massive boosts to our growth in faith and psychological healing throughout our entire life.

...
I've been listening to Albert Guinovart on Spotify all evening. I forget how I stumbled across him, but his album "Nocturne" is gorgeous. I think I liked every single track. Infi loves it, too-- it's very evocative emotionally, which is entirely hir vibe.
We were listening to an Alex Futon album while we biked, or at least, we were trying to; we like three tracks on the album but the rest are so explicitly sexual it's disgusting. How the heck people have no shame in saying such things is beyond me. Whatever the "worldly" mind is in that respect, I do not want to go anywhere near it, ever. That's another big reason why I don't like to socialize-- people out there consciously think like that, and that is TERRIFYING.

...I was talking to Infinitii again today, in little focused bubbles of conversation, short but heavy.
Probably the MOST IMPORTANT THING we "realized" today, after being so disturbed & distressed by the religious reading on the bike, was that... technically, INFINITII IS THE ONLY "MOTHER" IN THE SYSTEM. Full stop. And... this makes me the only actual "father" of EVERY potential "system child."
Infinitii and I are literally two halves of the same soul. Yes, I always call Chaos 0 my "other half" but he's part of my heart. That was a choice on his part and mine; it wasn't inherent. But Infinitii is actually taken from my very being. 
I was freaking out over "canon law" about illegitimates and then I realized, hey hold up, I've never actually done anything like that. Not in reality, ever, and upstairs it's also been completely inapplicable. At least, from what I remember. God I hope so. That whole topic is so disturbing and buried in our past.
But... I can't think in depth about it, I'll have a trauma meltdown. The point I want to make is, Infinitii and I are inevitably the only "parents" of any creature that exists as a result of our CONSCIOUS INTENT TO REDEEM & RECTIFY ALL THE ABUSE, not as a pr*****cy, because we're the ones that GOT abused so directly. No one else. Yes, many others in the System do have trauma, but always from getting too close TO us IN our trauma.
I can't talk about this, I can feel our brain and body shutting down.
But yeah. Celebi and Chaos and even Genesis maybe might "influence" those children, but those kids are not biologically borne; they are from BLACKSPACE like every other Nousfoni, and their existences simply draw from the life-energy of ours that was traumatically misused in the past, for the sake OF "making something good come out of even that." The ultimate victory of light over dark. Good over evil. The triumph of love & truth despite all odds. That's why the kids exist; that's why Xenophon was in that bloody sink. They're literal living manifestations of transmutation-- of taking the blackest tar and, through love alone-- love that courageously refuses to surrender or give up-- transforming it into the most precious thing. Hearts of gold.

...Honestly, I think Infinitii is the only being EVER that I can be "married to" in a Christian sense.
Every time I read about it in light of faith, it's all about children. Marriage only applies TO that context; otherwise it's just a close personal relationship. Intimacy is meant for procreation and no matter how much I love Chaos 0 I cannot do that with him. Ever. I've tried, yeah, but it only goes halfway or I completely meltdown or he stops me or something else. Plus, biology is missing, conspicuously, and thank God for that.
Still. Infi is part of me. That's the ONLY way I'm going to have ANY sort of "male/female" interaction in a relationship; the Good Lord knows I've been genderqueer since my childhood, as well as completely repulsed by physical sexuality AND the very idea of being "attracted to people." To this day, even if I think some girls are pretty & some guys are handsome, the thought of "romance" or anything worse is loathsome. Absolutely nauseating. And yeah, I've tried to force it, especially for some girls I really care for, but I can't. It just cannot be honest, not from me. I have known since childhood that marriage is NOT my calling and also I just CANNOT be "a girl" and NEVER "a woman" but. My religious community absolutely rejects both those things. Hence the trauma.
Still... it's been repeatedly burned into my greymatter to the point where it has scarred. I still feel morally required TO be married & have kids but I CANNOT. I cannot be s*xual and I CANNOT be "female" especially not in THAT hideous context. It can never happen.
And then there's Infinitii. My daengel. Already "flesh of my flesh" in the same sense as Eve. The only "female" resonant being in the System besides Julie, who is arguably born of the same blackstuff. And yeah, Infi is female-resonant on an intrinsic level even if ze does not identify as such and that is OBVIOUS, I mean have you seen hir? It's built into hir very purpose, ESPECIALLY with all the trauma associations concerning shape alone, not to mention function. it's terrifying but that's why ze exists as ze does.

...

Oh, btw I added ALL the Leagueworlds to our Spotify playlist folders, even the ones that have barely any substance as of yet, and/or that might change completely. I still want to give them the chance to bloom & grow & evolve further via music, so literally everything is on there now, and open to contribution.
It feels... really touching, really heart-moving, to see all those worldnames listed.
I'm so glad I came up with the "bank" system for them, too. It's still in development of course, but the basics are down and it feels so much more connective & attentive. Plus it's another way to add color & faith to the numerical mechanics of things, you all know I love doing that for literally everything.

Speaking of the League! Today was the winter solstice, which means today I gave special loving thought to Halcyon Days, as I do every year. I didn't get to do anything for them, with everything else that happened, but I looked through their artwork and I thought about their story and I gave them so much love.
Honestly I think I need to take some time to just "get to know" ALL the Leagueworlds again, post-NC, because since then everything's been cut off from my memory due to the resultant legitimate trauma associated with our personal creativity in general.
But, silver linings, now we know what they're NOT. The horror forced us to see what was WRONG and it enabled us TO change. Just like in Job 36, go figure.


...
We're actually really hungry again? Why. Not even five hours after dinner and we're hungry. I don't get it. Bodies are so weird. We hit 1600k, how much more does the body want??? Are we getting the right macros but wrong sources?? Our nutritionist just gives us "general american diet" junk data which is frustrating. Inpatient did too. They assume everyone has the means & the stomach to just make casseroles & cook porkchops and order pizza and weird stuff like that. Can't think about that either; too much disturbance.
Well, in any case, hungry or not, the body will have to wait, because we promised Father S that we'd go to Bible Study after Mass tomorrow, so we have to be up at 7 and we won't get home to eat until probably 11pm, later if they decide to talk a lot. But we have everything but the eggs & broccoli ready, which only takes like 10 minutes. And, Father always offers food from his kitchen (yes the Bible Study is in the rectory, it's a beautiful old building) and he knows we're in recovery from an eating disorder so I am sure he'd let us eat a few grapes or something if we need it-- he's diabetic so we can rely on him having healthy food; Lord knows that disease runs in our family too so we must be careful.
Still... our headache is returning and we're already dizzy. That's not cool. I'll take our blood sugar before we go to sleep; if it really is getting too low, we'll have to pack an apple or something for the road. We don't want to pass out or crash.

But yes, I promised my boss I'd be in bed for midnight which gives me 11 minutes as of right now to get there.
That is nowhere near enough time to clean up this entry, but at least I made the effort to type even after the struggles of today-- if I didn't, it would snowball. This honest journaling is an intrinsic part of our healing and our hope.

Anniversary in 24 hours. Christmas in 48. God only knows what will happen, but if we keep holding on to faith hope & love, it will be beautiful.
God has never let us down, especially not for the holidays. So we can anchor our joy to that, no matter what.

monday.

i... don't remember today at all.

we had an appointment with our other nutritionist at 2pm. she keeps pushing the inpatient plan, which is literally 4000K+ and ridiculously expensive. we told her we've "edited the plan" and are spacing meals more, fasting regularly to alleviate the otherwise-constant body sickness & mental fog, and have streamlined our nutritional options & needs so that we, ideally, don't have to "plan" anymore-- we have a set schedule & setup and it takes away all the stress of number-crunching.
we do feel weirdly depressed after talking to her. it's like, she pushes food so much. and we are so tired of our live revolving around eating. that was our trauma-abuse addiction for two entire decades and we want OUT. it's devoured enough of our life. we've talked about this enough already. we are sick and tired of people acting like eating should be "fun" and "enjoyable" and "social" and all that. no. we like what we have, we talk together and do our scripture study while we eat, we get done, we clean up, we go back to work. simple as that. no "novelty items" or "adventurous" things. that's ridiculous. no "snacks" for heaven's sakes, that's a RULE. this woman keeps telling us "eat every three hours and have snacks" nope. never. that would put us right back in disordered behavior hell. there is more to life than food, so don't you dare go telling us to make life revolve around food again. never again. we're done.

let me check the phone to give you guys a better update on general events

oh yeah, now i know why today was so messed up.
we had that horrid bingepurge last night. short, but it shook us bad. they always do. at the hospital they kept emphasizing how purging "traumatizes" your body and we scoffed at that, "you're just being dramatic and using scary language." plus we still hate ourselves deep down for using the term "traumatized" for ANYTHING, because of what past unhealthy friendships always seemed to tell us: "the problem is YOU. you DECIDED this was traumatic. YOU'RE the one who was abusive, YOU traumatized ME. I did nothing wrong. YOU'RE the problem." and the worst part is, all of that is true. at least, we believe it is. we were an asshole to those people. we know that. looking at it objectively, detached from whatever we were experiencing, our behavior was terrible. at least, what we remember-- and that was all our mental illness wrecking their lives and ours. but this isn't therapy, i can't get even more upset focusing on that hurt. "you're making it hurt." so much self-damnation. so much condemnation and mockery and ridicule and "invalidation." all "special snowflake" language. we internalized that hard.
but, the hospital said bodies can get traumatized. and the point i'm making here is, after last night, YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
god it was so scary, please, please PLEASE don't ever let that happen to us again.

but our body, today, is in shambles.
our heart keeps skipping and hiccuping. we have a pounding headache that is so bad we can barely see, let alone think. we're so weak it's hard to move. we're exhausted and dizzy and disoriented. we're so tired, even though we slept for like ten hours.
how the heck did we survive the bulimic aspect of this eating disorder for ten hellish years. good lord. literally. if God wasn't white-knuckling us through existence we'd have died very, very fast. thanks god. proof that he cares, the fact that we're alive right now. even if we feel sick and depressed. we're in recovery!! we really are! and that's a good thing to remember. even if the mean parts of our brain don't believe it. don't listen to them. we ARE in recovery. look at how many normal days we have now. look at how much food we're keeping down. "how much food" is right, the mean ones say. "you're a literal glutton now. look how fat and ugly you are. hideous whore."
shut up shut up/

topic shift can't
can't do that now. sorry

deanery penance service at 7pm.
we had to eat dinner at 630 though. breakfast was late? noon i think? let me check the phone
yes 1145. full breakfast, with some extra olive oil to meet macros i guess. everything else totally normal. so that's good.
oh but dinner was at 7pm?? we were that late? wow i wonder why? what happened today?
dinner was normal too. gosh that's really good. i'm glad to just be able to say that. "normal mealplan everything went fine." gosh. it's been over a decade since we could say that i think. it's 2022 now? 2012 oh boy nope we were NOT eating normally at all back then, sorry old friends that year was when stuff started to get really bad, i remmeber that'swhen emmett showed up first. i remember the chocolate cake in the sink day. how bad our consciousness was. losing so many hours. burning the rice. the buckwheat nausea. marik's third incident over the stove. comatose for like two hours. the bloody beets. the running across town to buy rainbow carrots. the soup pots. did we even eat those? we have NO MEMORIES OF EATING from that WHOLE SUMMER. like we know we did, we see the danger signs, like the last week when we were starving and ate all that canned pumplkin and the orange granola which wasnt ours and we hated ourself for it we were so sad but we couldn't stop. we were so sick in the head. why am i typing this? im sorry
examples of how bad it was. no normal at all. fasting all day just drinking kombucha. that awful awful "spiritual newage hellstate" we were in mentall.y bad bad bad. very bad. chaos 0 got them through that day he sat with them on the couch it was nice. and genesis always around. gosh if we didn't have the system i think we would have died then too! sosad all te time. sad. so sad. crying always. called family didnt help. said we deserved this we decided it but we didnt. didnt really understand freewill too much back then. addiction and bad brain stuff made it impossible to actually reason or choose anything clearly. so bad. remember the oatmeal regret. so bad. threw it in the sink so angry so hungry not thinking. scared them. scared them forever they still hate us now i think. we deserve it, we did bad things. remember the day we fell off the cliff. again chaos 0 comforting themon the drive home. all the pain and the music. the happiest they were the entire summer during the day at least. the nights bad bad or heaven nice. depended on if alone or headspace stuff. remember the lights, the clif bar box someone at the whole thing. luna bars. pepperming we still can't look at them. that night so bad. the futon guy next door we still think of him! hope he's happy too.
why why are we unloading past data does it count as "trauma" if we brought it on ourselves
someone says yes please it hurts it was scary i cant look at it more scary things happen than you write
and the loneliness, the empty lonely unloved uncared even when they tried. us like an animal. acting like one. no one saw us as a person we werent a person to them i dont think just a pet just a bad project to fix. always like that. to everyone. never a real person
stop stop shut up stop
not time for this dont want to think about it stop STOP. PLEASE

um
but we're doing better now i promise. we are. live alone. system together. us too! typing again hello!! hi!
not dead i guess. i dont think could die. not physical at leas.t different life. not killed in body because no body hehesecret
srry sligping

ok

what else today

deanery penance service 7pm. late because dinner
father s from olote was there. went to him like we did for lent
he was happy to see us said he missed us at church
asked us to come to bible study on thursday again if we could we said we'd try.
he said... something nice what was it?
he said we were honest. very sincere. had a good heart. said we try very hard to be good and he knows we have faith.
meant a lot to hear. we doubt a lot. always feel bad bad bad.
jewel or jay, main person, stayed and prayed for a while
talked to god about us, all of us, mostly the new people outspacers xe cares for them a lot.

went home 8pm. don't remember what after that

okay i'm gonna stop typing. gonna put a block up after me so someone else can fix this later add to it if you want and remmeber stuf!

thank you for typing letting me
have a good night everybody

 
(unfinished entry; will refine & expand later. publicizing so we don't hide it)


All over the place day.

Of course, the main thing was 5 hours of church, which we always enjoy thoroughly.
HOWEVER. Today, after the 830 mass, when we were eating our quick breakfast before the rosary, the choir director came up to us and said "hey, when I'm done organizing these papers, can I talk with you real quick?" We said yeah, absolutely. Breakfast only took like 15m so we finished that up and walked over to the organ to meet him, asked what's up?
He said, "take out your binder and turn to I Wonder As I Wander. I want to have you sing that as a solo."
...EXCUSE ME WHAT
I... we've wanted to sing a solo for the Christmas season for years. The choir always does "O Holy Night" as a solo but Mr. Z (who left the choir upon COVID at his wife's behest) always did it, and the past two years I think it was Mr. K? But this year it's his grandson, who has a really great voice (he's big into theater & musicals, we wish him the absolute best), and we're genuinely very happy for him with that-- we do not and will not insist on a solo. For heavens sakes our voice pales in comparison with all those guys; we wouldn't want that spotlight anyway.
Still... we do want to "give our voice" as a gift in such a special context, in this season we love so dearly, with the songs we love to sing. "O Holy Night" isn't one of our favorites-- it's just another carol to us, no offense-- but it was the "only option" if we wanted to give our voice in such a specific, intentional manner, as far as we were aware.
...We have never sang I Wonder As I Wander in our church, at ALL. This is the first time ever. And it's arguably our favorite carol. It's haunting and it's a bit melancholy but it's beautiful and it feels like us.
We offhandedly mentioned that "it was our favorite" during choir practice about two weeks ago, literally just a spontaneous joyful comment when we saw it, forgotten as quickly as it was said... or so we thought. Apparently our choir director, God bless him, not only heard but took it to heart, and he told us this morning specifically that "I heard you say it was your favorite" and... wow. That touched our heart.
So... he sat down at the keyboard.
NOT the organ. The little Yamaha. The piano. And he said you're gonna sing, and I'm gonna back you up. Literally "you own the song." Our pace, our dynamics, whatever.
And so we turned to face the empty church, and he played two rolling A-chords to lead us in, and... we sang.
...I am literally in tears right now, haha. Legit blurred vision here.
This means so much to us. Of ALL the carols we could have possibly sung, if there is one that speaks of our heart, this is it. 

I wonder as I wander, out under the sky,
How Jesus the Savior did come for to die
For poor ordinary people like you and like I.
I wonder as I wander, out under the sky...

It's a musical snapshot of our soul in the snow, honestly.

...

We stopped at home briefly when masses were over, and decided to do a quick shopping run-- admittedly we have a bad habit of doing so on Sundays, as we've "already been out for so long" and our brain is readily in that public-space mode; on other days of the week it is legitimately distressing to "hard shift" into social mode out of the blue if we need to go shopping, then come home and have to UNSHIFT. That often triggers dissociative crises, so. God forgive us, we usually do our little trips on Sundays. Still... that's not cool; it's a day of rest, and we often end up starving for God after Church (in a good way) so we'd rather spend our time praying and such. Again, thank God, now with therapy every Tuesday that gives us a better, earlier option to go out driving & doing errands, and if we still want to keep our two-meal later-breakfast plan, we can easily get an hour of shopping in after our appointment-- if we don't dissociate we don't take long anyway, as we don't need much and it's so routine it's getting steadily easier to do; the hardest part is just the social atmosphere, Walmart continues to be hell-- and get home for noon at the absolute latest. Or we can get up stupidly early and go before, haha. We'll see. In any case it would be prudent to prep breakfast before, maybe even the night before, including the eggs, so that if we are running late we won't be eating at like 2 and then crashing because that pushes dinner to 7pm or later.
Anyway! We have no money and won't until our payee approves our request (which still takes time to process), BUT we have one cash receipt from when we got some surprise donations last month, and two "backup" Pedialytes & a Powerade from that order that we could return (which would give us about $13). In any case, we were all but out of carrots and the cheapest place for those is Wegmans-- which is also the only place where we can get Xennie's fortune cookies at a decent price. So that was the plan-- get some cash, go get those two things, and go home. In any case it would be a nice drive, and some time with Genesis of course, which is always enjoyable.

Walmart return & Wegmans stop
Candy honesty-- only four pieces, cashier last time said "take 'em for free" but we didn't have that permission today so we went back out to the car and got change, came back in and paid for them. God knows we used to steal food all the time, we never want to slip back into that behavior even a little bit. have to be honorable and sincere.
driving: new snail's house song "Cherry" on loop
then put on Celebi's playlist. haven't given her focused attention in a very very long time.
listened to "miracle drug" by u2. that's been her "theme song" since like... high school. always made me think of her. listening to the lyrics now, with everything lately... realizing i've always loved her really, for a very long time. even if we've been distant. emotions i couldn't really put words to. this is still paradoxically very new

Didn't eat until after 3
Body CRASHED
Felt so nauseous & disheveled 
Also allergic reaction??? Hives & red face, but from WHAT?

Pushing Bible study too much.
Want to do daily devotion typing but being too ambitious? making it a "job" and it's exhausting
Still-- MAJOR revelation today w/ eternal life & relationship, from the devotional.
copy+paste it here asap, write about it

don't remember how it happened but, god we are so sorry,
we ended up BINGEING from 4 to 7 approx
Blood sugar TANKED. fell to 62 by the time we thought about checking it.
body shaking so hard, head reeling, almost blacked out. no sugar in house. forgot we had pedialyte. ended up eating the emergency box of raisins from the bedroom, thank god we had that.
So so sick, legit almost went to ER

Wrecked
Nauseous shaky tired sick scared 
Mom thinks we might have the flu? or a stomach bug?
apparently the binge was motivated by feeling so sick?? and wanting to throw up? domino effect
hope we aren't sick though. as a kid someone always got sick for christmas. too much socializing. need to take time off and just rest, be home as a system. heck maybe this is god's way of saying "kid sit down for heaven's sakes" haha. it wouldn't be the first time

Going to bed right now


Other notes.
Found the picture of celebi's baby. it was in a league folder??? i guess someone was in direct denial of what it obviously was. date is 1222, no year. still wow. almost that date now.
celebi says she wants to wait until the new year to even try hatching it. we remember how quickly xenophon grew when chaos & i started focusing all our attention and love on her. but this kid is so new, situation so scary, so much else going on. cel will keep it safe, and infi will too, but christmas has its own focus. we will wait.

Planning to sketch commission hydro for the 23rd, if we get the guts, and put together a reference for our core. which is a daunting task. haven't done so since before nc i think? i remember we had NO self-image during that time, which fueled the eating disorder and the traumatic experiences. no sense of identity at all.
but not so now. picrew is helping at least start that visualization "rough draft," process of elimination.

church folks said we will possibly get a white Christmas!!

 

It dazzles me. Heaven REJOICES when I ask for help to change my ways. The angels celebrate when a sinner repents, even just a little. The Father waits and watches, day & night, for His Child to come home. The Son actively searches out the lost coin, the lost sheep, no matter how others may mock & jeer, scorning Him for caring about such a trivial, expendable, worthless thing. God doesn't think so. God loves every dusty penny & wandering lamb. He kisses the filthy sinner and embraces him without fear or shame. God's Love looks diligently for even the slightest "excuse" to shower mercy & compassion upon us. So when we come TO Him, frightened & unsure & hesitant, He runs to meet us with grateful laughter & tears of joy.
So... here I am. I fear being punished for my sins but You are already thrilled that I'm just standing here! "But only say the word," we pray. "Lord, if You wish, You can make me clean." I'm begging. Perhaps I technically don't need to but that's how I feel. Here I am, asking again. Heal me. Change my heart. I'm tired of being the bad guy. I'm sick of feeling broken & evil & wrong.
Deep down I'm so frustrated I want to shout, "why don't You just shut me off & fix me?" Why do I sometimes pray for help for years and don't see any progress-- or even instead see myself get worse? But that's not Your fault. Sometimes-- well, most times, to be blunt-- my pain & anger blinds me to Your gentle & quiet Work, Your secret small miracles. And I apologize sincerely for my foolish ignorance. I pray You don't hold it against me, this aching frustration, this ardent want to BE A BETTER PERSON and feeling like... like You're just telling me "try harder. Not my fault you keep choosing to sin." But You wouldn't say that. I CAN'T try without You. And You KNOW my freewill is pretty busted-up by trauma & addiction. I NEED Your Help, always. I need You right now, or I will die, and You know THAT, too. So please, help me! Correct my stupid thoughts, soothe my frenetic mind, quiet the fires of anger & agony! Change my heart to be like Yours! Please, please, I don't want to be like this anymore.
Is that being pushy?  Or do You cherish the persistence of hope, of some feeble but dogged faith that fuels every return trip?
I desperately hope You do. Deep down, I know You do. That's what Love does-- it wants to see those it loves in the best possible state of heart. If I didn't keep coming back in prayer, if I lost hope, I know You wouldn't just let me go, either-- You'd come looking for me! You'd give me so many amazing coincidences & blessings to guide me back to You.
But... the delay is part of the response. Making me wait strengthens my faith & trust & patience. Making me wait makes me realize that holiness is a PROCESS, not a button You push. Grace has to flood me slowly. My heart has to fill up with the blesses rain and that takes a while of getting soaked to the bone in inclement weather. Everything is from Your hands. You don't turn me away with mine empty, either, even if I'm too distracted to notice.
Every prayer I've ever prayed, every tear I've shed, every heartbroken plea & despairing shout, You have heard and written down in Your Book. Just like our Archives, I'm sure You read them often, always with the most tender care & devoted dedication-- You answer me every time. Even if it's a "no," there's always a redirect to a different, God-given "Yes." Even if it takes YEARS for a "yes" to manifest, even if I don't see or hear or feel a thing... You answer. You are answering right now. You love me, and You never stop working for my eternal Good.
So... remind me of that, God, when I come running back to collapse on my knees before You, weeping & raging & tangled up inside. When I beg You for healing, please, help me to trust in Your sacred silence, the same silence that makes flowers bloom and stars wheel in the sky. It is the silence of sunrise and snowfall and secrets held in the heart. Time, softened & slowed in those moments, sings a song to Your hidden glory. There is Forever, here, even in the waiting, even in the pain. The world is still turning. God is still holding You in His Heart. Wait in peace. Trust Him. He is answering You. The Good will come exactly when it's supposed to, and if you look with a little love, you will find it is already, always, here.

weird day. not even gonna mark this one as "unfinished" even if it's unstructured because i don't have much to type today.

last night was too existentially disturbing to recover from overnight. i'm still shaken and distracted today. my sense of self is shot. i kept slipping in language AND self-perception. didn't recognize the mirror several times. so much automated behavior and memory gaps. this isn't cool.

caseworker woke me up at like 10:20? right before our alarm. biweekly checkup i guess. asked about therapy, about food, about cash, about doctors. i said we had enough food for now, therapy looks promising, all doctors are video visits for the near future, but i'm afraid to ask my payee for cash because "i fear being penalized for asking." got that from upbringing: "you're not allowed to ask," and "you're not supposed to ask," culminating in "BUT now that you DID, you will be punished by our specifically denying you AND not trusting you in the future!" in other words, if i ask my payee for more money so i can wash clothes and buy winterwear and even get something "for myself"-- honestly, if i had the guts i'd ask to start putting aside savings to finally get a bloody high-polyphony midi-controller 88-key weighted keyboard, i'm trying to learn the jargon kids-- i'm terrified that she'll say, "you don't need that! is that how you spend your money? selfishly and luxuriously? well then, you WON'T get money, until I DECIDE you can, AND we're going to severely decrease what money you DO get because you don't need that much." learn to live in poverty kiddo!! stop wanting to have things!! but the caseworker said to discuss these fears with her, and build better communication, and FIND OUT what my limits and expectations actually are. mom called like five minutes later i think and i told her this same fear, and she said that i should "frame my requests" in a "mental health" way?? like, i want to get musical tech because it's "enrichment" and "helps combat depression and purposelessness" and same thing for other "nonessentials" like even the bloody peppermint & cinnamon oils i always put on my bed because it grounds me. frame it as "psychological aids" mom said. feels like lying, but it's not. isn't that weird? like i constantly have to "justify" WHY i want or godforbid "need" things that aren't bare-bones essentials, and even THEN i feel so ashamed to want "more." i grew out of my clothes (still hate hate hate that) and need new ones because right now i'm wearing the same outfits for like a week straight. they're not very warm. but "it's enough!" live ascetically boy!! you don't need more clothes. but my mom says the people in church are "gossiping" and asking "why do they always wear the same outfit?? are they that poor and/or mentally ill? won't their family help them? why isn't the mother doing anything?" it reflects back on her and she legit keeps PUSHING HER clothes on me. which doesn't help, just sets off trauma, but God knows i am still genuinely grateful for her care. still it's unfair of me to claim this is "saving face" on her part. maybe part of it is but who cares. honestly she's a good woman and she loves her kids and she wants to do what she can to help. i see that and i appreciate it. i just... can't wear what she gives, either from dysphoria or fibro triggers. but i'm grateful. and with food, i mentioned that i see THAT as a luxury too, geez i shudder to think of the possible tirade i'm gonna get from our dietician tomorrow. "why are you eating the same things over and over you NEED VARIETY you NEED TO TRY NEW THINGS you NEED TO BE ADVENTUROUS" no i don't, that's hedonistic garbage talk, i HATED that about inpatient, they just kept pushing "adventurous eating" and "tackle all your fear foods" and "variety variety" and no. nope. not when you're poor and obsessive-compulsive and highly limited in both preparation time and space and means. i can't cook or boil or bake things; i do NOT trust my dissociation and i DO have a LOT of legit trauma tied to kitchens, especially stoves and ovens. and meal-planning can honestly keep me awake at night, sobbing in frustration as i try to figure out perfect nutritionally balanced macros and ratios and timing, while "eating everything THEY want me to eat." capital n Nope. we have it down to the same thing every day and it works. it's easy to make, JUST like the binges were, which is WHY they were "psychologically soothing." we spent hours just cutting and chopping and peeling vegetables (so many knives and blades. god why do we miss that so much) and then more hours eating them one bit at a time with chopsticks and it was all just mechanically repetitive ritualized behavior that allowed our consciousness to SHUT DOWN. perpetual dissociation. well we're using the same basic method for different ends: now the "ritual" is automated enough for us to use that "non-thinking" space to TALK UPSTAIRS. and with xenophon ghosting, i don't blackout dissociate anymore. God bless her. God bless EVERYONE in headspace; THEY are saving my life, thank the Lord, NOT that hellish hospital. still, it was necessary. we needed to "gain weight" solely because our body needed something to work with after years of running on empty. we're still pissed, yeah, but at least we're not 90 pounds. and yet i still keep watching that scale, stable since discharge, waiting for it to drop. except, now we're getting SOME VISIBLE MUSCLE TONE, just a bit but it is evidently different from how flabby we were after sitting on our collective ass for almost nine weeks, PLUS the months of long-covid and post-loss despair. we've gotta WORK to get back in shape but we won't give up. it was worse in 2017. yeah we were also literally starving ourselves but we didn't get very strong as a result. striving to do the opposite now. still eat, but temperately, and get BUFF. that's the goal really.
what were we talking about. oh yeah. "non-essentials." thank GOD we had enough savings to get the exercise bike. huge expense but essential, and they NEVER would have authorized that purchase through disability payments. so thank god again.
but yeah. limited foods now, we don't mind, but the dietician might. we'll just have to be honest and stand our ground within reason. we'll see what happens tomorrow. and DON'T LIE. no half-truths, NO empty "agreeing" to be a "good patient," NO compromises or censoring. we be HONEST. and we work WITH the doctors to do what is WISE. remember that fortune we have taped to the laptop. "do what is RIGHT, not what you "SHOULD."" discernment is key. i think i typed that exact same thing before, but it deserves a repeat. "should" is a thought distortion byproduct. don't use that language. use insight and clarity. speak up and stand up BUT be open to honest legit correction too. we're learning.

anyway. i remember we were in the kitchen for 11:11 because i saw it and smiled. we're finally seeing GOOD numbers again, not just the evil ones. it's so reassuring. maybe a silly comfort but god knows we love numbers and balance and symmetry and stuff. so that's always soothing, even just mentally in that respect, to see. feels like a message, "you're doing good. keep it up." helps a lot. whereas the other one is "watch out, you're not thinking right, get back on the road." scary to see, but. a vital warning.

my memory is shot for today. again, it's the reeling residue from yesterday. haven't dealt with it. honestly in shock from not only my legit WRATH meltdown with jezebel, but the similar trauma-hate conflagration over that movie. i guess that's why God pushed me to watch it. unexpected, and highly upsetting, but He knows what He's doing. how the heck else was i gonna realize that THIS is still a cancer in my soul? at least now we can treat it.

breakfast... oh yeah, we had one busted egg. when they crack, we just junk the yolk and add +1 white to the BK protein. it works. still feel bad about trashing the yolk, though. wonder if there's anything we can do with 'em, even just for the squirrels (google says they'll eat 'em, and they're safe for dogs too, so hey). we want to be a "good wizard," Lord knows we MUST re-read that series soon, too. we never finished it and apparently there are extra novellas and such? which is cool. but in any case we need to print out the oath and pin it to our wall. that will help a TON, i can guarantee you. punch entropy in the teeth son

during breakfast talk, laurie mentioned that she was going to try to "give up the profanity" for new year's again; it's tough because that was part of her original function and so it's almost etched into her code, so to speak. but she's shifting, especially in hue, in a healthier way, and that doesn't really "fit" who she wants to be anymore. so she told xenophon, "i want you to stop me if you catch me swearing." xennie said okay, but no "swear jar," she didn't want to take any money. laurie said fine, then just punch me. xennie said no!! i can't hit you. laurie said c'mon kid, you won't hurt me. just give me a light punch even. xenophon did, really cutely, and laurie beamed and said see, that's it! and i guess xenophon, realizing this wasn't "being mean" and it was helping, suddenly took on this new job with absolute adorable enthusiasm. for the rest of the morning, if laurie slipped and dropped an f-bomb xenophon would dash over and pummel her leg with her fists, just a bit. "laurie don't swear!!" it's the funniest thing. laurie is getting a total kick out of this, i can tell, but it's also humbling for her, to now be accountable to this sweet little kid in her efforts to be less offensive towards such people. it means a lot to see, really.

i've been informed that scalpel and phlegmoni are cayenne bros because 1. it's red leaning vermilion and 2. it gives you... achy burny eyes. they find this hilarious. they're trying to bring razor into it, but her color doesn't quite match. however i know her, she's still red, and reds can be jokesters in their own right. blame jewel. so heaven only knows what will happen with all this, haha. i've gotta admit, part of me does like spicy stuff too. i'm telling you, it's a red thing. jot that down in our new "color characteristic" files, honestly it's fascinating to find stuff like this, even little things, that can be consistently measured and observed. learning! yeah! it's pretty awesome in here. 

tried to biblestudy while we ate again. realized we're two days behind on that advent devotional, but we cannot put the required spiritual focus into it if we're splitting with breakfast attention. so we smartly set it aside for the time being. unfortunately we also dissociated for the whole meal, apparently, because i have NO recall of it at all. no problems though. xenophon and laurie make sure.

after eating we felt dizzy & tired & sick as always (still not sure if that's e.d. recovery stuff or a legit intolerance, we'll ask tomorrow if it feels safe to-- don't want to get labeled as a hypochondriac again, yes it's "boy who cried wolf" on their end but we always sincerely want advice, if we're wrong then good we just want to know), so we brought up the bible app again. realized they have that advent-plan badge challenge going, so i found a 5-day one that was rather simple and did it all within an hour. did me a lot of good actually; i'm really learning to love some "modern" translations, like "the message" and "the passion" and "plain english version" and of COURSE hawaii pidgin. yes i will compare them to the NET and AMP and RSV and such, but... the ones that "paraphrase" sometimes add such gorgeous new light to the message. taken as a whole, it enriches the scripture so much. it's deeply moving and i really love it. so i want to do that more. keep up on the devotional plans, especially ones that have "talk about it" or "apply this truth" bits. things that will push me to type and think and act. that's the best.

also.
finally got the guts to soft-quit tumblr.
i've wanted to for months. the place is SO TOXIC. the language is horrid, there's so much fighting, there's sexual depravity everywhere. no matter what blog i bring up, i'm bracing for impact, never knowing what triggers i might stumble across. it's exhausting. it's poisoning our brain, too, which was PROVEN by the orange & yellow voices yesterday-- "bright" hues are inherently SOCIAL and as such they INTERNALIZE ALL SOCIAL EXPOSURE, even if it's only online.
but... it's not just that. it's the religious mask i've put on to "fit in." it was so unconscious, and so dissociative, that i didn't realize it was happening until i started reviewing old entries. ...it was getting to the point where i was trying to erase my ACTUAL personality in order to be a "good christian" according to the internet. absolute disaster in progress. and... it was so dishonest. nobody knew i was queer or trans or mentally ill. nobody knew anything about my innerlife and how deeply it affected my faith. i would believe everything i read, getting so confused with the arguments between "tradcaths" and "novus ordos" and more protestant denominations than i knew existed, not to mention the odd jew and muslim speaking up to "correct" their fellow abrahamic religion. it was insane. and the whole time, i was just "trying to be meek and cooperative," not realizing that it also meant i was being a total bloody LIAR. this is why all our old "friends" hated "me." i would do and say and act however they wanted, all smiles and nods, while inside i was hollow. like a robot. so involved in the act that i forgot who i was offstage. the fact that this was affecting my RELIGION for so long makes me sick.
inevitably it was killing my faith life. i couldn't read holy books, do bible study, or even pray without thinking, "i need to post this to tumblr! i need to share this with everyone!" and in the process... i wouldn't share it with myself. i became the "middleman" to my own religious experience, handing everything over to my "followers" and forgetting to keep any of it in the process. it became a performance, a job even. it was making me miserable, and i started to push my faith practices away JUST so i wouldn't "have to update." it was lethal.
so. i quit. quittski. over-and-outski. i'm done. i posted an "indefinite hiatus" update there and here and just deleted the app. that's it.
now... now i can worship without feeling like that has to be "consumable," too. i no longer feel obligated to make my faith experience "user-friendly" and "fit for a target audience." no. that's a demonic lie. but i feel forced to do the same with my art, and my music, and all my God-given talents, how ironic is that. so tired of feeling like i can't do anything just for love. everything has to be "profitable." everything has to be "appropriate." if you're a christian you're "not supposed to be" weird or crazy or just plain gay, for heaven's sakes. otherwise you're broken, a hypocrite, and your testimony is junk. that's terrifying. but it's also total lies.
god loves me, exactly as i am. and yeah, i have a LOT of healing and spiritual growth to do, but... there are parts of me that are vital to my faith that so many fellow christians would claim were unacceptable. 
i cannot worship God in truth if i can't do it with my entire heart, and that includes EVERYONE IN IT.
so. no more tumblr. avoid all that drama and distortion. everything i get from my faith, goes in this journal now. we're keeping it real.

getting a headache. probably dehydrated. i can only think of 60oz that we got down. gotta make more of an effort with that.
...obligatory sidelong glance at chaos 0, haha. you know what yes, i do mean it both ways, why not.

he deserves his own entry. very soon. our anniversary is in one week. one week. nineteen years.
...will i get the nerve to draw something? that means drawing myself. i haven't done that in a very, very long time. but he's worth it.

oh, really quick. speaking of art.
i have wanted to do a serious of religious "paintings" for a WHILE now, on two topics: one, all the rosary mysteries in ways that match our soul, so we can meditate on them and feel truly immersed; and two... a spectrum-hue set of jesus christ, focused on His sacred heart.
honestly i want to do that so badly it aches. i keep thinking about it. i mean, every culture portrays jesus according to their heritage-- their ethnicity, their dress, their art styles. there are gorgeous pictures of jesus as japanese, indian, native american, african, korean... beautiful, every single one. but then there's internal "culture." i absolutely love when i see jesus portrayed in that context, too, but with respect. and that is hard to find. give me anime jesus. give me vaporwave jesus. give me whatever this counts as. give me every single thing that kokecit does. (this is saved on my phone forever btw,and i think about this constantly.) i'm serious. whatever your internal "vibe" is, i want to see your faith permeating every aspect of that, too. evangelize everything.
(btw for humor's sake this is still one of my favorite things, it's hilariously simple and never fails to both make me laugh and inspire me, god bless)
so. paintings. the phrase is not, "what if jesus were american, living in my time?" that's been done. but i don't "live in" modern america, arguably. i'm so mentally weird & isolated, since childhood, that my honest "nationality" is headspace. so i open with the question: "what if jesus were red? or blue? or violet? if He was part of this specific Spectrum hue, how would it manifest in Him?" and of course He's God so He would carry ALL the beauty of each one completely. and THAT is what i want to draw, or paint, or whatever it ends up as. but i want to express that. the REAL face of God in MY unique soul. how He looks to me. i want to do that more than anything.
hm. in that case, i should start now. open a word document and start writing down notes. do some thumbnail sketches. but get moving on it.

to segue back into where we were.
gotta draw something for god's biggest work of personalized grace in my life, as it were. 19 years.
...no idea what, yet. something sincere, NOT performative. draw it for us, not an audience. if i were to capture, in art, how i feel about us right now, at this exact time in our shared life, what would i express? that is what i should do.
the biggest roadblock: me.
bloody dyspho/dysmo hell making everything difficult. but suddenly i hear infi speaking up, out of nowhere, "but jewel that isn't the true you. it's the body you live in, but it will change with time. the core of your soul does not. you know how that looks, no matter what the externals are. draw that. draw how he sees you, and always has. that's the truth."
...that's... a really, really solid point, and it's gutting me like a fish to be honest
"how he sees me." geez didn't he bring that up the other night, even? whatever face you have, you're still you? whatever name you have, i still know you? after how many core shifts and breaks and deaths he's seen, bloodlines and hues both changing, my heart and his heart have stayed the same, and they're connected. i cannot forget that, nor can i trivialize it, because it's astronomically important. when did we first connect? wasn't i like 15? and since then he's known me, and i know him, even in the perfect incidents and the bloodred freakouts and all the tar & plague. no matter what, we know each other. i kept seeing that in the old xangas, how he could tell when i "wasn't in my eyes" and when i was slipping almost without any apparent "tells." even when laurie couldn't quite see things were off, chaos 0 could. he couldn't not. his vision of me surpassed everyone else's, because he was seeing with the heart. again, just like the fox said. "you are forever responsible for what you have tamed." i think about that a lot, too. (btw don't forget we DO have a copy of that book i think? a library reject copy, we love those. still i would love a special really old printing of it, and we STILL need to get our hands on a signed copy of fahrenheit 451. but try to explain that to social security, haha.) what is true is not "evident," because it is too sacred. the most real things in all the universe are only perceptible by those who see, who look with not only open eyes but an open heart.
...i need to be courageous enough to trust in that. to trust that whatever i may "look like" right now it's valid, because my heart is the same. why am i so obsessed with appearances though? is THAT tied to the "i must be approved" stuff i'm struggling with in my faith too? that if i don't "look worthy of love," OR of loving, then i'm NOT? like if i'm not pretty or handsome or strong or smart enough, i don't deserve to love or be loved at ALL? that is a LETHALLY toxic internalized belief, geez.
but. it's true, that i hold it regardless. i've heard it, and experienced it, way too much. society and family both emphasized it. actually, thinking of media, that REALLY did it. i used to wonder "why do people keep talking about 'representation' in media? why is that so important?" and then i stopped and thought and realized, oh, i have that same problem, and it hurts. growing up, and even now, i NEVER see characters that are like me. not in appearance, not in personality, not in life... or rather, i never see good characters like "me." if someone is red, it's usually shorthand for "dangerous" or "wild" or "sexy." if someone is "crazy," or heaven forbid "multiple," they're murderous and insane and dehumanized. no one is shaped like me. no one talks like me. no one is trans-neutral, no one is asexual yet amorous, no one is in love with a monster and male-presenting. at least, if such "representation" exists, i sure haven't seen it. and yeah it sounds whiny and trivial but honestly it just makes me feel... unreal. i have enough problems with reality, i don't need the world at large acting like i shouldn't exist.
why am i even venting about this? oh yeah. scared of drawing myself, especially in the anniversary context.
but you know what, if there's no "representation" i don't care. that just means i need to make the first move.
in any case i must, i must refuse to hide this for that reason. i'm tired of forcing myself to deny or downplay what i feel because it's "shameful" or "stupid" or "something i have to keep secret." why. i'm tired. i want to live in this light and color like i used to, back when life was focused on headspace, and i didn't care about "the world's opinion." i only care about God's opinion, and He has never objected to my honestly loving anyone, as long as He still gets priority. but God would never tell someone "don't love anyone BUT me." that goes against all His commandments. no. we've gotta glorify Him in ALL things, no exceptions, and that IS possible and it's BEAUTIFUL. but you can't do that if you're constantly afraid of human judgment. you cannot see clearly then. if you strive to keep your heart pure, that's all you can do. pray and then just love, always.

i am so tired. it's 1am.
i noticed it's hard to type during the day, mostly because journaling "has to happen at the end" so it's all included and cohesive. but it's also because everything gets quiet and dark and introspective. perfect for going inside oneself. winter is a big blessing in that respect.

oh, oh dude last daily update things. this is important.
first let me backtrack. i lost a lot of time this evening due to exhaustion? i was on our phone, but what was i even doing? reading? researching? i sat down on the couch at one point. mimic showed up and just sat down by it, doing his own thing. surprised me, really. didn't expect his company, especially not at his own decision. i mentioned "i'm probably not gonna read tonight, dude, i'm too tired. my brain needs a break." he said that's cool, he wasn't there asking for anything, just "checking in." chillin' really. but still, he was nearby. which was... how do i say. nice? strange? both?
octupi are solitary creatures. they don't live long. they're super intelligent. but they're not particularly social, at least, not in our world. they have no real reason to be. their lives are naturally solitary. despite their intelligence and inquisitiveness and playfulness, even, their lives in the wild appear to be mostly... survival.
mimic is curious, more than anything. he likes to learn things. he wants that intel, as it were. he's genuinely interested, but... interpersonal connections aren't "typical" for him. not like for a wolf, or a monkey, or a lion. but interestingly, hedgehogs allegedly are solitary critters too, in this world. so who knows? 
i'm solitary, too. plus i'm aroace no matter how i try to force otherwise. i have to come to terms with that. "interpersonal connections" are tricky for me, even when i do love people, because getting "close" and "involved" is distressing psychologically and physically. again, "how much of this is trauma" BUT mind you, even as a child i REFUSED to socialize. when i did, like in preschool, i was the boss. and i was mean. i didn't want "friends," i just wanted people to do what i wanted. to get things done and then leave. don't chat with me, don't play games, don't invite me to parties unless it means i get to play games and eat free food and leave whenever i want. i was not a nice kid. except i was. except i still cared, deeply so, and even when i grumbled over it i did chores for grandma and said my prayers and kissed my brothers on the cheek. sometimes i did it without being asked. point is, even as i grew up and somehow became "kinder"-- no idea how, maybe just the grace of God-- i still didn't want to hang out with people. EVEN when i got that massive crush on alexandria. even though i wanted to be her "best friend" i don't think i knew what that would be like. but i wanted to be with her. that was SO NEW. and yet... i never got close to her. always did everything backhanded, sneaky. i stole her stuff just to have her things with me. looked through her desk and bookbag when she wasn't around just to "get a glimpse" of her personal life. things like that. never actually interacting. the thought of talking, of socializing, EVEN with her, was repugnant. and yet i was a chatterbox. i monologued. but i talked to the fourth wall. i didn't intend to be responded to, unless it was in questions. everything a business transaction. i'd never get a coffee with you. except... maybe with alexandria. and then i'd let her do the talking, probably. but then what? how would i sustain that? would it be once a year on valentine's day and then i'd bail? recover for the next 364 days? why am i so isolatory, and yet i can't help but care about people even if i don't know how to acknowledge or act on it properly? without putting on a mask and burning myself out? this isn't the place to think about that. brain too fuzzy. but still. good that it's brought up. more introspection to do.
nevertheless. because both he and i are a bit averse to being in groups, especially in consistently interactive ones, i genuinely don't know if mimic will stick around, based on his own demeanor, and the overall atmosphere of headspace. plus, outspacers, man. they don't "stay in headspace" in any case. they just visit. they drop in, say hi, get up to speed if they're interested, but always go back to where they came from-- ideally, a leagueworld. and there is space for mimic, if he makes that final decision to stay, to have this "other life" in another world.
even so. i do like him. he's taught me a lot, and he's a fascinating guy. challenging, yes, but i think that's a big part of why i like him. i mean heck, look at me and laurie. i like that bit of an edge. but there always needs to be that ability to put the knife down, as it were. headspace does enable that, true; it empowers such changes. but receptivity and choice are still key factors. i don't know dude, we'll see what happens. point is, if he does leave, i'll be grateful to have known him for a little while, and i will miss him. but he wouldn't be the first outspacer-potentiate to have left, either. it happens. i don't forget any of them. if they were to walk back in, even like two decades later, they'd be welcomed as if they never left. that's love, too.

just a brief mention that dinner was 7pm (we're only eating two meals a day; BK is ~900 and DN is ~600, it works) and although i was still so darn dissociated, somehow that also prevented socials from kicking in??? so count your blessings i suppose. succeeded in writing a daily devotional response while i ate so that's posted here. other than that i just talked to xenophon, i love her so so so much, i always share the eggs and fortune cookies with her, she makes my life feel so meaningful.
quick interjection there. yesterday i was seething over how "creeped out" i am by "mothers" and babies. i don't think that's as true as it felt then, thank god. yes i have trauma around sexuality and motherhood both, which extends to the babyphobia. i've been writing about this here & there since high school, i am clearly aware of that.
but... i still love my mom. and i still stand in awe of the love of mothers. even if i don't understand the "maternal" bit, and even if i freak out around babies, honestly i don't hate them. if there's anything i "hate" it's just stupid physical things that frighten me. it's not the person. and it breaks my heart to even have this dissonance. i just want to love. but... girls scare me, for the most part. no, femininity scares me. it's all fear of sex. i know that. i'm trying to come to terms with it & cope. but it's... existentially rattling. big trauma trigger. shook me up bad. gotta bring it up in therapy.
HOWEVER. the segue.
last night, after all that hellish typing, god gave me another nudge. i opened a new tab and the top "pocket" recommendation was... lab mice. specifically john calhoun's mice. as in NIMH.
and today, i announced it was movie night again, and we watched it. mrs brisby & the rats of nimh. one of my childhood favorite films.
DEAR GOD THANK YOU FOR THE NUDGE, I NEEDED THIS SO MUCH
now that mouse is a REAL woman. i know that sounds funny, but she doesn't scare me at ALL. not just because she's a mouse, but she's completely nonsexualized. her personality is sweet and kind. she speaks quietly and politely. she is well-mannered and mature and honorable. and she is STUNNINGLY BRAVE. this mouse-lady would literally FIGHT DEATH FOR THE SAKE OF HER KIDS. and THAT is motherhood. THAT is what it means TO be a mother. it has nothing to do with american white-woman culture and all its bizarre nauseating trappings. no. motherhood is what mrs brisby personifies-- sweetness, gentleness, care, affection, and COURAGE so true it conquers all, because it's fueled by SHEER LOVE. her kid gets pneumonia and she is willing to go to the ends of the earth to save him. she tries to disarm a freaking tractor. she drugs a CAT. she visits an OWL knowing full well he might eat her. and the whole time, EVEN when she is literally SHAKING with fear, she doesn't break. she doesn't chicken out. she doesn't even panic. her attitude is astoundingly level because at its core she is determined to do anything for her kids. and so nothing can actually rattle her, because she has set her little furry face like iron against every possible opposition. and she WILL overcome every single opposition because she's a mom, and that's what moms do.
honestly it was incredible. i love this movie. i haven't seen it since i was like 5. i am so glad we watched it again at last, today of all days. it was exactly what i needed.
but oh boy. boy oh boy. we got our two solid hours of biking in and THEN, right when nimh ended, god reaches out to elbow me in the ribs via tubi tv and says "hey kiddo, uh, do you wanna watch this movie next?" and slides a little banner over.
it's the last unicorn.
my FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME.
I gasped and clicked it immediately and told everyone, we are watching the first 10 minutes at least, i am NOT postponing this absolute treasure.
oh lord i am going to cry my eyes out with both joy and pain, i used to loop this film as a kid, it was like my heart on the screen. i freakin' love amalthea, and molly, and even schmendrick, and that "circus" scene is BURNED into my brain, as is that drunken skeleton, and the RED BULL oh man i am hype i cannot wait to see it all again. i don't "remember" it either (thanks dissociation and i mean it) so this will be like... watching it for the first time all over again. thank you god. oh thank you. this is healing too, i've never been afraid of a child or a lady in these old cartoons, i mean geez mrs brisby's kids were so precious even when they were misbehaving, why do i have that problem with humans?? is it really all just trauma? that "threat" of "you know how kids are made, well you're doomed to that fate and you cannot escape"? can't type about that now.
oh man but this movie. i can't wait.
oh. before i forget. jeremy the crow. he reminds me a lot of batty from ferngully (MY MAN, how in heaven's name was he not an outspacer even back then, i freakin' loved that crazyhead) and, yes, at one point (with the "sparkly" and with the strings) he gets "crazy eyes." bluth-style, which is BOSS and means he looks like Genesis does. here, look. honestly i love it, there's something weirdly... beautiful? about it. thesaurus isn't helping me. but when characters get those multi-iris-ring eyes, which only happens when they're slipping just a liiiittle bit out of sanity, well. it both terrifies me, and fascinates me. ...i know what it's like, is why. i know the dangers, and the... well, it's like a drug. i'll put it bluntly. when i'm in that state, it's on the edge between two kinds of "crazy": the lunatic kind, and the "love" kind. now that's for me, not necessarily for the cartoons, but. same feeling. it's a visual signal for someone being "actively mental" and that can be good or bad, because it means that they're no longer in total "control" of what they're doing. the programming is offline. it's just brainwaves baby, intense to the point of insane, and the reason why it goes to your eyes is 1. windows to the soul and 2. that's all you can see. it's a sort of hyperfocus state. no casualness about it. when i get the "ringy eyes" it means something has transfixed my consciousness so keenly that it has rendered me almost high from it? geez how do i explain. jeremy sees the sparkly and just goes bonkers over it. transfixed. the wide-eyed bit is what scares me; that's the sign for me personally threatening unhinged behavior. it's so intent on whatever has triggered that hyperfocus that it loses the ability to really reason. it's not malevolent, no, just dangerous. it can also be a sign of panic, which happens in the scene when the kids are tying him back up (can't find it online)? but! it's the wide eyes. when they're not wide, like in the sparkly scene where he slumps over and just kind of dazedly smiles at the gem, that to me is the "crazy" going the other way. not manic anymore, not frantic, but still that hyperfocus and obsession except now it's disarmed? in either case though it's intense feeling, but it's not a permanent state, not usually, at least not in the films i've seen. but not so in headspace! genesis is the poster boy for this, but i'm pictured standing right next to him as it were. it's in the league a lot. man i am really ranting here, i guess because to be totally frank with you this is a topic very close to my heart, and pun fully intended. i'll have to revisit this topic later when i think about it more and also find more external examples, get my vocabulary together, because i think how i perceive it is still different than how it is intended canonically, at least halfway. which is normal, haha. still. gets me introspective. helps me learn more about us, and how we work and think.
btw the voice-acting in nimh was IMPECCABLE. oh and NICODEMUS!! his glowy eyes! and he's beautiful too, oh man, and his personality is so so sweet. look at how he moves too, it's fantastic. i love his character. big weakness for the wise old creepy-nice dudes. same with the good-hearted kinda-loony goofballs, and the strong but gentle gals of honor who would move the world for family & friends. these oldschool cartoons, man. god bless 'em, they make life so much brighter.
but. lastly. it's 2am and i must write this down, and to pull some topics back together.
the butterfly.
as a kid, he scared me, because he feels like word salad at first. (also the march music doesn't help; THAT scares me more than the randomosity!) i've only ever experienced that kind of mad-tatter speech in situations where something is very very wrong, so it's a kneejerk fear. but then... you realize there's some sort of bizarre sense underpinning all the babble, an order to the chaos, and isn't that relevant because he says something and it hit me like a shot, and has me staggering even now.
he's talking to amalthea. fluttering around and quoting song lyrics and poems. a few that struck hard already. a bit from "how deep is the ocean." "you're my everything." "when you are old." even the (apparently shakespeare) "fishmonger" reference, which struck us only because of our own old injokes. it sounds random but looking it all up, there's all references to love and war and loss and trying to get something back... and all of it being about one, one person, one life, one special thing, the very last, the very only. brilliant, really.
but then. there's that one line.
"Your name is a golden bell hung in my heart. I would break my body to pieces to call you once by your name."
...and i just stopped. stopped everything. the video, the bike. reeling.
...that line coming from a blue butterfly of all things, talking to a unicorn,
blue is trust, loyalty, honesty, peace. sadness and grief. the sky and the sea and the winter chill. constancy. fidelity. communication.
butterflies are souls. free and fragile. symbols of hope and transformation. resurrection. life after apparent death and destruction. hope.
unicorns are grace. purity. innocence. healing. virginal love. gentle yet fierce. rare & powerful. visible only to those who search and trust.
"for the love it bears to fair maidens, it forgets its ferocity and wildness..."
come on you know me already, the parallels i'm drawing are obvious.
but... the bit about the name,
how can i summarize this. it's 3am. lots of research going on in the background.
every time i imagine "meeting him" here, anywhere, for the first and millionth time, it's always hallmarked by our names.
"say you know me."
time and time again. which world is this now, do i know you from my dreams, what face is yours, what name?
i'd recognize you anywhere, but who am i? fluttering around and speaking in riddles, you this eternal beloved thing. my golden bell. the song my heart will always remember. but i can't say it, if only, if only you were here to call by that beloved name, i would--
"no, no, listen. don't listen to me, listen."
babbling on and on as i always do. what am i speaking in circles around? isn't it always you? my only one?
ah i'm taking this too far but i don't care. it's a springboard, a beautiful launchpad and i'm shooting for the stars as always, for those planets with rings that were always shorthand for that name i couldn't confess aloud.
just once, could you imagine? every bell in this cathedral set to singing. you're the only thing i would break for.

gotta sleep. gonna get 8 hours just in time for our doctor's appointment, good timing you lunatic. gonna shatter that crazy moon and turn it into a ring, spinning spinning, all ice and diamonds and embracing you forever, why not get poetic, it's almost 4am anyway.
aah but i'm blessed. you know i really don't call him by name often. too sacred, somehow. requires cracks in the armor, all of it, lined with gold. bells.
well why not, our daughter is a butterfly anyway.
close the cover before striking. got a sparkly of my very own. good lord i'm delirious, haha. sleep deprivation!

honestly though. trying not to be afraid of sounding like a lovedrunk idiot, because i am, so why not be sincere about it. nevertheless good seeds. focus on the good, on the light. let that illuminate everything else. thanks be to god. it's still snowing. there's hope for everybody, hope for me, somehow i'm sure. have faith, have faith. dedicate myself to love in every aspect and set my life on fire. warm my heart up again. bring that light to everything. don't be afraid.
rambling now. as if i already wasn't. trying to conclude with what i'm feeling
hope, just so much hope, with a determination as red as blood, and just as life-giving,
lord give me strength. and grace. and an open heart. help me to remember who i am, truly, please.
i want to be good. i want to be a light in the dark. i want to do everything for love. for everyone. courage of the heart. that's red. that's me.

exhausted. sunrise will come. tomorrow brings... who knows?
life, life, life, life.
music.
and love.

gotta sleep before i can get there though!