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Last day of 2022.
We didn't update yesterday because we spent a while trying to back up the Tumblr archives so we'll finally be done. It's taking a while but we got another 100 pages down.
I don't remember the 29th. I know we slept in and just didn't do anything. Stayed home. I think maybe we did Leaguework? But memory is shot.
Dealing with so much depression lately.
gender dysphoria hell. body weight hell. religious meltdowns. family stress. can't deal
don't see any future like this
don't want one honestly, if it's going to be defined by this tangled mess of a mental state
4pm mass for the solemnity.
mom insisted on standing RIGHT next to us and LOUDLY singing in that disgusting "smoky" throaty voice she always does. made us feel violated and sick. no nerve to sing ourselves. mom kept making us show her the music and holding it in front of her but she kept singing ahead and singing the wrong words because she was guessing. organist miffed. so tired. don't want to sing anymore
mom told us go up the family house for new years get-together
of course it was literally just horrific amounts of food
like the entire table covered. hideous. forgot how much we hate this
everyone chattering over each other i don't even remember about what just so much talking
and of COURSE we had INSTANT DISSOCIATION
mom insisted on standing RIGHT next to us and LOUDLY singing in that disgusting "smoky" throaty voice she always does. made us feel violated and sick. no nerve to sing ourselves. mom kept making us show her the music and holding it in front of her but she kept singing ahead and singing the wrong words because she was guessing. organist miffed. so tired. don't want to sing anymore
mom told us go up the family house for new years get-together
of course it was literally just horrific amounts of food
like the entire table covered. hideous. forgot how much we hate this
everyone chattering over each other i don't even remember about what just so much talking
and of COURSE we had INSTANT DISSOCIATION
ended up bingeing on the vegetables due to panic + "i don't care anymore" + flashbacks in house.
went straight to far bathroom and threw everything up within 10 seconds. no emotions. felt just like old days. sick. whole place so dead and filthy and dark don't want to be there
Miserable went straight to far bathroom and threw everything up within 10 seconds. no emotions. felt just like old days. sick. whole place so dead and filthy and dark don't want to be there
930 already and mom wanted us to stay longer
we said no
don't remember the drive home
got home and kept throwing up from sheer overwhelm and stress
wanted to weep and scream but couldn't feel anything just so tired and disgusted and sad
blood sugar hit the bricks again
got the nerve to eat a real dinner. needed it, both for the body and for the time spent with headspace people
Biked & watched Ron's Gone Wrong
CRIED at the end it was so sweet
unexpected catharsis from these kids movies. i think it's because we're not "in the body" so we CAN express emotion? but it's detached from personality. really weird phenomenon. wondering if this is a PERSON holding this role.
Stayed up until midnight watching the countdown on WCII
Kissed Chaos 0 of course
Fireworks in three different spots in the sky, really lovely
called everyone over to see of course
Stayed up until almost 130 lying on the bed beneath the window & talking to Mimic really
hopes for planning for new futures, discussing the past, etc.
he's being more open. says he can't rightly push us to stop being cowards and then be one himself. no running away from things. i admire that
honestly i love his attitude, i like having someone around with an edge, someone shrewd & a bit of a smart-aleck. impudent even at times. but so many of us have gotten soft. it's rot really. we need to shape up.
i'm scared of that rubbing off on him. yeah he's changed, that's the outspacer norm, villainy is always transmuted, but... i don't want him getting soft. i'm so tired of that. keep your knife. just use it better.
whole gang really was around for new years it meant so much to me. meant more than the birth family even. they just did automated ritual. eat food and watch media junk on tv. pop music and alcohol. hell no
we just gathered around our phone and watched it flip over to all zeroes
celebrated we survived another year, all together, just us. meant so much
