notes for now

quick notes for today/yesterday so i don't forget.



0523

when trying to fall asleep, small headspace event

paidifoni in a sleeping bag together? sleepover sort of vibe. david, simeon, marigold. all HAPPY and safe. really moving to see. SHOCKING too-- simeon almost NEVER has a physical form, as he exists in midspace mainly. and we all assumed david was dead, but i got a tiny hint of his energy the other day-- notably his blanket, too, which i forgot about until that hit-- and now here he was. marigold seems happier too, but she's still all disheveled. i wonder if maybe it's for a better reason, now: not from neglect, but from playing outside. lord I hope so. all the kids deserve to be free and happy in here.
jeremiah was right next to them, watching over them. very hard to see him; his visual data feels "reticent?" like he's not too keen with people looking right at him, or he's trying to hide. interesting to note.
i remember asking him where were some of the other kids, like toby and lace-braids and even ashen? were they all just too damaged to reach, let alone live independent lives right now?
wreckage came in then and crouched next to me. i remember being weirdly moved also by how she looked there, in the blue night glow, in a gentler protective role instead of a violent one.
but she answered my question in the affirmative. i remember the pain in her eyes at that.

at some point the kids were scared??? i remember jeremiah took them to the other side of the room

in the end though they felt safe again and fell asleep happily.

oh oh at one point i was feeling so night-vibe softheart affectionate, i remember wrex and i had been talking quietly and i ended up holding her face and just resting our foreheads together i think, the best we could with such different head shapes of course. i think she dryly asked if i was going to kiss her, and i responded with equal good humor that no, it would be nice but that's a serious thing and also. those teeth.
but it was a really sweet moment, just being close to her for a second. don't think that's ever happened before.




0524

notes are on phone. post 'em tomorrow because it's late boyo

just remember that after the resigned hellbinge, when razor was cutting the retribution, i... caught laurie just quietly looking at her arm, and absentmindedly rubbing the bandages in the same spot razor was cutting.
and it hit me.
SHE STILL CARRIES THEM.
i swear my heart broke clear in half

night:
prayer struggling. still did it. have to honor fidelity. praying for the grace of peace when we pray. saying it together always helps.

body twitchy and sick but keep just surrendering it to god.

so exhaused. wanted to go to bed but thought, no, we worked hard all day to earn our headspace laptop time.
sat down and almost IMMEDIATELY we feel okay. i'm serious. symptoms on all fronts DROPPED and we felt ALIVE. what the heck dude.

halfway through archiving 2015. getting into the heavy stuff.
being brave and just posting everything uncensored at this point. we can touch things up later if need be. but things must be posted.

right now just listening to spotify on megashuffle with laurie and chaos 0. remember scalpel's concert last night haha.
but... this is what i'm living for currently. just these nights with them all. together and quiet and in love, really. the deep burning level kind that settles into your very blood after so many years. same as it always was, but now it's so indelibly part of you, it's forever man, and thank God for that.

oh man remember when we finally were stabilizing and going back to sit down for an actual dinner, i had closed the window in the bedroom but didn't kiss the anchor plushes out of sheer exhaustion, laurie commented on how out of character this was, so i wordlessly went upstairs and kissed celebi on the forehead, then went to do the same for chaos but he grabbed by face and kissed me so hard honestly i just fell into it entirely. i was so grateful to be alive in that moment, and to have that even then.
but oh man out of the corner of my eye, almost leaning in to be dramatic, there's mimic, with this incredulous look. motions to us; "every time??" and chaos turns and grins at him "EVERY TIME."

btw don't forget every once in a while i will kiss xenophon on the head while she's ghosting, i'll suddenly lean down and smooch her and she SQUEAKS with such happiness it is the cutest thing in the world

i feel so bad. i've been a wreck of a father lately. it's so hard when the fronting shuffles so bad. that poor kid gets caught up in it.
but i'm here, i'm here, i will ALWAYS be here for her, i swear on my very life, i will never leave her, no matter what happens. i know sometimes everyone thinks i'm dead and gone but nope, you can't kill love, and as long as i'm determined to define the absolute core of my existence as such i'll be sticking around, God willing.


anyway. something happened that made me want to update.
i think it was just... us being us. listening to our system songs and just being together. emphasis on that. during the day everything is so socially infected and hectic that no one feels like they really exist. the days are so so so tiring, we feel so dead. we come alive at night, which makes our hyperreligious foni panic like you wouldn't believe, because "dark is evil" etc. nope. it's God's dark. it's the shadow of His Wings. think about that. for a desert people, for a system traumatized by summers and heat, the cold quiet gentle dark is honestly a gift from the Lord of Light. it is.

God I miss Infinitii so much.

i'm still hoping against hope. i can't not. one day, oh God please one day I pray that I will wake up and... I'll see hir, alive, close enough to touch, to pull into my arms, into my very heart--

but hir name keeps emptying out. hir bubblespace is still a void.
even so. death is only a door. never forget. the tomb leads to easter sunday.
hir death played a sacred purpose, and this pain can be salvific too. REMEMBER THAT. trust God.

if ze comes back, ze will finally come back with a name and face and form completely free from the trauma of hir past.
remember how hir old playlist doesn't fit hir at all anymore. whatever tarblack vibes ze caught during the CNC era are completely alien to hir now. thank God, honestly thank You Lord for that fact.
ze had become so corrupted. we somehow didn't even notice. but God did. hence this.

the same thing happened to me, really.
i'm... still practicing surrender. feeling tiny changes going on inside me. KNOWING that the shift is already happening, feeling the name and color and face and gender and element shifting, waiting for solid roots, knowing there is still more work to do, trusting in God, hoping always.

sorry i'm rambling. 315am will do that. listening to disco with christmas lights on in june, no wonder i can't fall asleep haha. this song is ridiculously optimistic. into the good mood playlist you go

in any case. right now... i feel a sparkle of life. i'm still male right now, white hair but anchorshifting to red. wondering if God will let us have a duogender twincore setup still. me and jewel. or if we need to fuse. only He knows. now is not the time to type about it because it must be prayed about and felt.
but. the point. right now i feel alive, although i also feel the great pain and grief of our past, and i know i'm next, i have to let it go, i have to break all ties with that. we need to be new. this is really stream of consciousness i'm sorry.

bottom line. i have hope right now. i feel like i really exist, and i mean "I," the true heart of me, whatever deep red candle glow lasts and loves in every single true Core. right now it's evident. even if i can only feel it for a second, it's real. God won't let that die, because it's His. it's the real soul of us, what no vice can touch, what the Spirit will set afire.

sorry. rambling. sounds irreverent, presumptuous.

spotify is playing chaos 0's music suddenly. guess that's a sign too. "open your heart" always.

this was just supposed to be notes, haha. good night everyone. pray that we get through tomorrow safely.
whoever the new Core is going to be, I hope they can exist during the day too, and keep everyone stable, socials and all. UNITY is what we need to really embrace in our life, the unity that God Himself exemplifies of course. unity and love. God grant us the grace.