052323

 
No car so slept until noon
Bulimia hell dreams
SO DEPRESSED & IRRITATED upon waking. Couldn't pray. couldn't even talk to headspace. religious OCD and existential numbness just choking every effort.

Gave up & got on bike with rosary.
WORKED BEAUTIFULLY OH MY GOSH WHAT
we FORGOT what wonders this does for our body and psyche. oh my gosh we NEED to get back into a solid daily schedule that STARTS WITH EXERCISE, like we were doing before Lent.
also it DIDN'T TRIGGER THE DYSPNEA????? yes we had a few off breaths, but we're learning how to hold and shift the body (mostly our arms) so we can breathe better when we feel the tightness coming on. we biked for a SOLID HOUR and felt better than ever. THANK YOU GOD.
also started watching that "land without borders" DVD from 'our daily bread,' which we've also been putting off since before lent. and WOW THE ISRAEL WILDERNESS IS GORGEOUS AND TERRIFYING. It's pulling at our heart so much, I can TELL something in either the Color Realms (need jargon, still) and/or Heartspace wants to bloom into that barren beauty so badly. We can't wait to watch the rest of this; we've only seen the first episode which was the "seven nothings of the wilderness" and we're just reflecting on that.
Man we miss this, feeling this alive. All the OCD of Lent just... killed so much of us. We need to be careful, our scrupulosity tendencies can turn our religion into an empty checklist of anxious bitterness and that is NOT RELIGION, it's a devilish trick.
But we're moving back in the right direction, thanks be to God alone. We won't give up-- because He won't give up on us, after all.


JADE VISIT from 2 to 330
Helped them start a housing application process
Then literally just standing and talking in apartment for an hour, giving them cold water and access to air conditioning haha. us giving them the tour of the place, them telling us about events that led up to this. 
i must emphasize, again we have no idea who was fronting or what we said for the most part, BUT consider WE HAVEN'T SPOKEN TO JADE IN LIKE... EIGHT MONTHS AT LEAST. and we miss them.
gave them $12 worth of vitamin water for the road haha
OH YEAH and of ALL DAYS, someone left out two boxes of free food on the benches outside (they do every once in a while but haven't since autumn), which was such perfect timing it was unreal. I remember Jade said "ooh, cherry pie filling, hmm, should i just eat it out of the can? i think i will" and pocketed it. i swear goofiness runs in the family, it's great

BK at 430 exactly haha
We aren't hungry but we're getting foggy vision so we'd better eat


Bodygirl foni have HUGE MEMORY CHRONOLOGY GAPS.
...
They also exist as PSEUDOSINGLETS and have NO SENSE OF COMMUNITY OR UNITY
...
They CAN'T be the "real cores." They're too hollow, selfish, and carnal.

...

THE LEAGUE TEACHES US ABOUT GOD, ARGUABLY FAR MORE THAN OCD PRAYER REPETITION????
Yes prayer is as essential as oxygen BUT THE RIGHT KIND OF PRAYER!!!
...
BUT we only see and grasp and feel and participate in LOVE THROUGH THE SYSTEM & LEAGUE.

Today's verse "nothing you can do to make God love you more or less; He loves you because He created you, no exceptions" = LEAGUE FEELINGS. No matter what "my kids" do, as their Jewel, I STILL LOVE THEM FOREVER

Still want to turn the body into a charity engine, so to speak.

DARK BATHROOM WITH CLOSED DOOR & RED LIGHT = "ZOO"!!!!!
DISTURBING CONNOTATIONS
keeps triggering out that nonhuman foni (who IS YELLOW, a HUGELY important note). they said ONE THING to adelaide, because she was TALKING TO THEM-- they are on the SAME LEVEL AS HER!-- i don't remember what it was (it's not my memory), but i think she asked them "why is it like a zoo" or "why do you look like that," and they said something like "what they do to you, you're not human anymore". something concerning what would happen in such rooms, to form such foni in response. disturbing. but not surprising.
on that note concerning levels SO IS JACK and THEY WERE TALKING TOO!! briefly, but WOW. blepofoni typically DON'T EVER TALK DIRECTLY, let alone split the fronting so to speak, so this was literally a FIRST.

JOHN 3:16 HIT HOME, AGAIN THANKS TO THE SYS/LEA
Thinking, what if the only way to save someone like Tox or Bastion was to SEND XENOPHON TO TAKE THEIR PLACE??? And SHE would CHOOSE TO as well???
Imagine the LOVE and SACRIFICE required!!! THAT'S HOW GOD FELT!!!!

Carrot-peeling evening, since we felt stable enough to do so
No trouble, BUT realized nausea spikes when we eat ANYTHING after breakfast??? even just a single slice of carrot. what even is with our stomach.

More bathroom triggers, this time at night with lights ON but door closed
PINGED ASHEN.
oh she didn't show up, but we FELT that distant deep response, muffled like a suffocated child, but still so real, unmistakable. that same fluorescent hell light. that same locked jail of abuse.
we thought she was... well, no, we know she couldn't die. that's the horrible truth for the most damaged ones. they cannot die because they're too important to our system's healing and heart, almost ironically.
but... the ping was only a second, then the automated "depersonalization" mode slammed in and kicked out all fronters so no further triggers would occur. still, it just emphasized what had just happened. that flashbulb revelation of that tiny wretched soul had scalded our sight like lightning at midnight.
... and I will never forget the look on Wreckage's face when she felt it.
very rarely do i, or anyone, see her expression change from that default stoic vigilance, always on the verge of a snarl, eyes narrowed looking for danger. the hard lines soften a bit around xenophon, but... this was something else. she... how do i even describe that look?
she whirled around, eyes so wide i could see their gold, her shoulders not raised in threat but falling in distress, looking around with desperate intensity even as her feet were planted solid like a soldier bracing for the bomb. like she expected headspace to suddenly crash into the chthonics then and there, and reveal that dusty deathsentence of a girl at long last.
...


Decided to have dinner, otherwise we'd only be at 700k for the day and that's probably not smart.
Nauseous until the very end? So strange
No trouble though thank God

Going through Prayer cards, two of them hinting at "total System death". Basically "you need nothing but Jesus, so let Him take away EVERYTHING ELSE."
Still so scared. Is that really what God wants? To destroy us, and leave just some random girl??

said wall prayers with flashlight! Didn't want to skip so we put it on the floor and prayed with that.
Ended up lighting up our glow-in-the-dark holy water font, haha. Showed Xenophon, she had never seen that before and her eyes lit up just as much

We went to mass in INDIA tonight! Yes we caught a livestream from the Basilica of Bom Jesus. It was SO GOLD! The priest was such a lovely guy too. There were these little extras in the Mass, that we don't have in ours here, just a line here or there, that added so much more warmth and reverence. Notably I'm remembering the little call for reflection after the Eucharist. That really sank in deep.
Ended at 1111 God bless
Also references TO SYSTEM LOVE during Mass. Felt it like a flame.
So confused with all this back & forth
But really, please, when in doubt, set everything aside and look to Christ and just surrender. Trust in Him. Remember what He's said over and over.
Do you really think He will destroy love, honest love, true love? NO. He will instead, only protect and preserve and PERFECT it. If anything happens to the System, any resets or reboots or even long stretches of silence... if it's GOD'S Hand working, it will ALL BE FOR PERFECT LOVE. So give it all over to Him, consciously so, and do not be afraid.
I promise you. He will not kill us. That's not what He's about.
And really, no bodygirl will ever take our place, God knows they don't pray or feel love at all. If anything, maybe this new era we're moving into will be a time for us to bring them INTO our growing faith and charity that God is blessing us with so graciously. God is UNITY as well as Love, after all; the two are inseparable... and our System is still so splintered, with all those poor damaged and blinded and stonehearted girls. We need to bring ALL of us together IN LOVE. I think... honestly if that's what all this tearing-down and de-constructing and even death is about... if it's all for the sake of, in the end, a greater love and a greater life... well, I'll take it. I'll take it all, whatever God gives me. Only give me the strength, Lord. Give me the grace.
"Give me Yourself," my heart says quietly. God cannot give what He is not. Reflect on that. He's better than you know.




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faithpasting again. gotta stop doing this so often because, like tumblr, it's devouring our recall of reading the actual text.
nevertheless, there has been SO MUCH BLATANT SYSTEM RELEVANCE in our reading lately, we can't just ignore it, let alone leave it unexpounded.
and, after all, reading these snips again will only help us. these are all truths we need to fully integrate. our future needs to be more faith-centered than ever, but in a wholehearted way-- it needs to soak into everything, with NO "distinction between sacred and secular," as yesterday's posting said, but instead making ALL of our life into a place where God dwells and rules absolutely.
That's been our ideal since childhood, in one way or another, even if we never voiced it properly. Well, it's about time for that ultimate desire to be realized.
In any case, therefore, here's some more blessed text walls of instruction towards that end.



"...There were no love worthy of a perfect spirit in which there did not lie dormant a dark capacity of wrath, and that Christ Himself would not have been the Joy-bringer, the sympathising Gladdener which He manifested Himself as being in the ‘beginning of miracles in Cana of Galilee’ unless, side by side, there had lain in Him the power of holy indignation and, if need be, of stern rebuke. Brethren, we must retain our conception of His anger if we are not to maim our conception of His love. There is no wrath like the wrath of the Lamb."

⭐"God’s method of restoration is always to restore with a difference and a progress. The ruined Temple on Zion was not to be followed by another house of stone and lime, but by ‘a spiritual house,’ builded together for ‘a habitation of God in the Spirit.’"
"Note how insensibly such corruption creeps in to a community. You cannot embody an idea in a form or in an external association without immediately dragging it down, and running the risk of degradation... A church as an outward institution is exposed to all the dangers to which other institutions are exposed. And these creep on insensibly, as this abuse had crept on. So it is not enough that we should be at ease in our consciences in regard to our practices as Christian communities. We become familiar with any abuse, and as we become familiar we lose the power of rightly judging of it. Therefore conscience needs to be guided and enlightened quite as much as to be obeyed... Are there no abuses amongst us, which subsequent generations will see to be so glaring that they will talk about us as we talk about our ancestors, and wonder whether we were Christians at all when we could tolerate such things? They creep on gradually, and they need continual watchfulness if they are not to assume the mastery."
"We cannot cast out these or any other desecrating thoughts and desires by ourselves, except to a very small degree. And if we do, then there happens what our Lord warned us against in profound words. The house may be emptied of the evil tenant in some measure by our own resolution and self-reformation. But if it is not occupied by Him, it remains ‘empty,’ though it is ‘swept and garnished.’ Nature abhors a vacuum, and into the empty house there come the old tenant and seven brethren blacker than himself. The only way to keep the world out of my heart is to have Christ filling it. If we will ask Him He will come to us. And if He has the scourge in His hand, let Him be none the less welcome a guest for that. He will come, and when He enters, it will be like the rising of the sun... He will enter in, and by His entrance will ‘make the place of His feet glorious’ and pure."


WEEPING OVER THIS WHOLE THING=

"Man’s folly, godlessness, worldliness, lust, sin, are ever working to the destruction of all that is sacred in humanity and in life, and to the desecrating of every shrine. We ourselves, in regard to our own hearts, which are made to be the temples of the ‘living God,’ are ever, by our sins, shortcomings, and selfishness, bringing pollution into the holiest of all; ‘breaking down the carved work thereof with axes and hammers,’ and setting up the abomination of desolation in the holy places of our hearts. We pollute them all-conscience, imagination, memory, will, intellect. How many a man listening to me now has his nature like the facade of some of our cathedrals, with the empty niches and broken statues proclaiming that wanton desecration and destruction have been busy there?
My brother! what have you done with your heart? ‘Destroy this temple.’

There's more but oh dear God that is EXACTLY what has been happening since CNC with Infinitii.

"Christ spoke to men who did not know what they were doing; and He speaks to you. It is the inmost meaning of the life of many of you. Hour by hour, day by day, action by action, you are devastating and profaning the sanctities of your nature, and the sacred places there where God ought to live.
Listen to His confident promise. He knows that in me He is able to restore to more than pristine beauty all which I, by my sin, have destroyed; to reconsecrate all which I, by my profanity, have polluted; to cast out the evil deities that desecrate and deform the shrine; and to make my poor heart, if only I will let Him come in to the ruined chamber, a fairer temple and dwelling-place of God.
‘In three days,’ does He do it? In one sense- Yes! Thank God! the power that hallows and restores the desecrated and cast-down temple in a man’s heart, was lodged in the world in those three days of death and resurrection. The fact that He ‘died for our sins,’ the fact that He was ‘raised again for our justification,’ are the plastic and architectonic powers which will build up any character into a temple of God.
And yet more than ‘forty and six years’ will that temple have to be ‘in building.’ It is a lifelong task till the top-stone be brought forth. Only let us remember this: Christ, who is Architect and Builder, Foundation and Top-stone; ay! and Deity indwelling in the temple, and building it by His indwelling-this Christ is not one of those who ‘begin to build and are not able to finish.’ He realises all His plans. There are no ruined edifices in ‘the City’; nor any half-finished fanes of worship within the walls of that great Jerusalem whose builder and maker is Christ.
If you will put yourselves in His hands, and trust yourselves to Him, He will take away all your incompleteness, and will make you body, soul, and spirit, temples of the Lord God; as far above the loftiest beauty and whitest sanctity of any Christian character here on earth as is the building of God, ‘the house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens,’ above ‘the earthly house of this tabernacle.’
He will perfect this restoring work at the last, when His Word to His servant Death, as He points him to us, shall be ‘Destroy this temple, and I will raise it up.’"

I am in tears. I cannot... all of that is written explicitly for us. I'm reeling.

Let me just... leave that as it is, for now. We'll type about it later. For now, just... engrave those words upon your heart. Let that incandescent hope burn itself into your very soul.
THIS, all of this, is what our faith TRULY is. Remember this forever.