052223

Today... we were running on barely 3 HOURS OF SLEEP X______X
I stayed up until like...430 am archiving, trying to feel alive, staving off the existential emptiness. Laurie kept telling me to get to sleep, angrily at first, then resigned as she realized my state of mind.
It scares me. She's so tired anymore. She feels lost, just like me. I think we all are, deep down.

As to why we only got 3 hours of sleep even so:
Our mother called around 8am which woke us up, with a boatload of plans for the day concerning helping our poor sis get situated in her current homeless crisis. I cannot remember the details right now, but basically it was so much we just stayed awake. I think the bottom line was that she'd need the car we were using.
Oh wait, now I remember. Yes she'd need the car, but we also needed to pick her up from someplace, and give her food and water because she had none? Of course we were 100% on board, we were just exhausted.
So we got in the car ASAP, since we were totally out of carrots, and decided to just go to Wegmans before church to get not only those, but Larabars for Jade as we remember that used to be the only thing she ate (food idiosyncrasies and disorders really run in our family). Problem is we only had $20 left, and even that was taken out of savings. Nevertheless! No complaints when it's for the fam! Honestly if we could have spent another $20 on her we would have.
So we got 4 Larabars, 6 bananas, and a huge bottle of Aquafina (plus two bags of carrots to get us through to June) and ran back home to make Mass.
 
Again, we have almost no recall of this. I do remember the priest saying it was Saint Rita's feast day, which meant a lot to us, because she's one of our patron Saints-- notably because of her deep association with the Crown of Thorns we love so much (and her unique suffering with it). It felt... very reassuring and relevant, today, with our mental suffering being a share in that, and her memory a reminder that EVEN THAT was working towards God's Good Purposes if we consciously united it to the Crown, so to speak. Whenever we link our pains to Christ's they become redemptive. It's a great mystery but it's a great honor and we have deep faith in it, sometimes only desperately so, but it's real, and we take solid refuge in that.

At some point I ended up praying with Lynne. I don't know why, maybe we were just that dissociated from fatigue. We weren't co-fronting; I was upstairs with her, in that "cockpit" place between Central and the brain (Phlegmoni you know where that is, haha). I clearly remember-- moreso than virtually anything else today, actually-- tiredly but happily leaning against her left shoulder, and that beautiful autumn orange of her heavy curled hair taking up my vision. It seemed slightly shimmery, almost fluid, very lovely. It looked like the wood of a violin, which struck my heart with affection and wonder both, because she always seems to "default" back to that darker Orange, not the tangerine-bright "hearthue" that it is defined as in the Light Spectrum? We really need to spend more time inside, feel out our mechanics now, in light of all the resets, pun intended perhaps... but even so, in that moment, seeing that familiar color on this beloved friend, with the soft church lights behind her like a concert stage, softly sparkling through her hair, it... I felt very real, and so did she. Everything was right, in that moment. It meant a lot.
I remember also just putting my nose in her hair and taking a deep breath, getting the scent of it-- the subconscious expects a "human" scent like shampoo or something, but nope! Lynne's hair smells like violin rosin and it's LOVELY.
She laughed at this spontaneous action of mine, but with equal fondness, asking what I was doing. I vaguely remembered a long time ago when her vibe smelled like "peach pie filling" and wondered if it differed with mood, or with the still-shifting nature of the Orange hue she held by choice now. Either way I responded with simple fact, I just wanted to know what her hair smelled like. I think she caught the deeper motivation-- I just wanted to cherish the reality of you, uniquely you, in this small precious moment-- because she smiled at me so warmly, it meant so much to see.

After church we went to the local motel to pick up Jade, see I told you we'd remember. We were listening to "Everything Everything" on the drive up because God knows why we love that band so much, but we tend to default to it when we're feeling emotions that are automatically suppressed-- anything stressful or "spiky" or "amped up." We still get that automated "flattened effect" when in "meet the crisis" mode, but if it doesn't vent we WILL explode into manic self-destruction later on, it seems. It's VERY different from stress turning into mania on our own; when OTHER people are involved and counting on us, everything turns into BUSINESS, and so ALL emotions privately are stamped down flat, BUT our public persona becomes THAT FRIENDLY GUY. Really we have no idea who the heck fronts for this. We think it's Jack, maybe. He's the only corpufoni with a matching vibe, and the fronter sure isn't female. Still... memory is shot. If he's the one talking, we still don't remember. It's all a blur; body memory typically is.
Regardless! We do have snapshots:
-pulling into the motel lot as we turned down the volume on "the wheel (is turning now)"-- which is our FAVORITE TRACK off that album it's BOSS-- so the management wouldn't think we were completely insane, haha
-jade coming out to the car and us turning around to look at her for the first time in like... over half a year.


And to finish our initial thought of that paragraph-- Everything Everything is our go-to band for red emotions because the music is red. It's purely cathartic. It's probably why deep down I love Scalpel so much; he, and the music that shaped him, and the bleeding fire in our sobbing heart that it voices, are honestly the only outlet for it. Razor used to be. Cannon used to be. You know the drill. But Scalpel, somehow, overshot the violence and just became this ideal Red holder, what Javier attempted to be and failed disastrously by over-intellectualizing and forcing it. Not so with our progpop metalteeth undercut man, haha. Gosh I do love him though, he's such a blessing. He is practically the personification of Everything Everything's music, from the first album to the latest. He holds it all, as it's all Red-- all the brightness, all the blood; all the anger and pain and hope and life. Red is all about that creative force, about what animates an artists pen and a musician's hands, about that absolute deep kernel of fire in their heart as engine for it all. That's RED.
Deep down I hope to God that I'm still that color, too. I've been holding onto that tiny spark since God spoke it to me recently, a return to the time before the Jays went blind and froze everything over. They didn't mean to, but it happened. I don't think any Nousfoni could survive for long holding that pure superhue. White is everything. Isn't that just supposed to be God?
Deep down it would be so humbling to just be Red, instead of White-- to no longer be the captain of the ship, no longer the "core" of things, no longer the one calling the shots, if I ever was. But... just to be a Heart, again. Just red. That's it. I wonder if that's where we're going.

Another thought.
Back right when the Core was changing from Red to White, back in 2009, is when we found FROST*.
They matched our heart and soul EXACTLY back then. I clearly remember Cannon listening to Milliontown all the way through for the first time, walking in loops in that dark living room in the early morning hours, and sobbing. It was everything to us, in that first hour. It was a spiritual experience, full-stop, and it cut deep down into our heart forever.
I... I haven't listened to FROST* in a while, not with such singular focus. I still let Black Light Machine play every time it comes up on shuffle, true, but... our identity has been such a shambles that "I" don't feel that original resonance, because I don't feel "I" to begin with. It's all a tangle, but that makes it a perfect starting point to start unraveling, to gently but deftly work out the knots into one all-connecting thread. Something like that.
In any case, revisit this music topic later. It's important.


BK Bible study: 1 Corinthians 3:10-17 is SUPER RELEVANT.
Our System is indeed being "torn down and rebuilt," and I've been told SEVERAL TIMES by God that it's in order to actually give it a proper foundation, at long last. And that foundation NEEDS to be Christ-- the LIGHT Himself, that PURE WHITE beam of love that HOLDS ALL COLOR WITHIN IT. We've been suspecting that our Spectrum needs to anchor into our faith for about a year now, if not longer-- I remember one of us wrote about that during the Calyrex "miniera" in the hospital-- but nothing ever took hold, because no Core ever worked at it. Well, now's the time, and unless I get moving on it, I'm afraid we'll just... collapse into dust. So I MUST man up and work at this vital responsibility.
And on that note... we'll just be building on the new foundation, that which is Jesus, Who IS Light, and Love, with His Sacred Heart pierced and bleeding blood and water... honestly why haven't we centered our soul on Him as THE absolute core before? Since childhood we've felt the need for it, but... it was never a conscious decision. Maybe we weren't mature enough spiritually to do so, or even realize it, until now, after so much.
Anyway. That verse is what struck me, verse 12. The foundation is one thing, but we need to build the house on it next-- to rebuild what was destroyed in the massacre, and in the system failure, and in the Scratch, and in every other killscreen egocide attempt. We need to do that. We're all living in ruins. But... what do we build with? Do we use straw and hay, do we use wood, do we use flakeboard and plastic, do we use cinderblocks and cement, or do we use gold and silver? Do we use precious stones? Do we build on that blessed foundation with jewels? Because one day, God's going to hit us with a tidal wave of FIRE and everything is going to BURN. Holiness does that-- it incinerates everything that's not itself.
That... means a lot to me, as brazen as that sounds. God knows he put that deep love of both fire and gems in my heart. He has called me to be a reflection of both, in whatever small way He allows me, but I cannot deny or escape the call.
We, together, all of us, are God's temple. We cannot let it be destroyed anymore, and we cannot destroy it ourselves, either by negligence or violence.
We are... the Holy Spirit, the Love of God, the third Person of the Blessed Trinity, lives in us.
Part of us still can't let go of that gutwrenching horror of 2010 or so when we were told "you don't actually have the Holy Spirit!" by two kids that ended up spiritually brainwashing us whether they realized it or not. We were such a sorry mess back then; we had no direction and followed every gilded carrot that was dangled in front of us. But that line burned into our brain. It's still our biggest fear. And yet... there it is, in the Bible, that beautiful amazing affirmative. Maybe we are still spiritual children, in a very real way. Maybe we are still struggling greatly to understand and learn and behave as true Christians. But God knows we're trying, and He's helping us, and His Spirit LIVES IN US. Not "might," not "maybe," nothing of the sort. We are God's field, we are God's building, and the Spirit of God lives in you, and the temple of God is holy, and you are that temple.
There's a lot I could type about that, but right now I just want to let those words speak for themselves, and sink in deeper than any old fears ever could.


...Unfortunately, there's only one thing I can remember for the evening. 
We had a HORRIBLE LEGIT BINGEPURGE.
I can't remember much of it and I don't want to.
But someone actually DROVE TO THE STORE to buy three small items SPECIFICALLY to binge on. That hasn't happened since BEFORE THE HOSPITAL, as far as we're aware. So it was terrifying.
Thank God it still only lasted less than an hour. Good Lord it used to last like 9 HOURS. How did we survive that hell? God's mercy, that's all. Total undeserved staggering mercy.
Haha, "Regret" is playing on shuffle as I type that. "Did you ever watch your life slide out of your hands? ...Did you ever think that everything, everything would change?" et cetera. ALL of the lyrics are so perfectly relevant to our life, honestly. See I told you this band speaks from our heart so much it's scary, haha. Totally unexpectedly, too, but there it is.
Even so. That cursed bingepurge messed us up. Yeah, we recover super fast now, but we still get the twitchy muscles and dehydration symptoms for about a day afterwards, and our poor body is crushed in any case. All that terrified vomiting will do that.
Anyway. Don't want to go into sick details. Suffice to say the entire time, headspace was-- as always, which is so disturbing-- shut out and muted, so the social-level girls who were forcing all this food could only talk to God, and all they were saying was "oh God please help me please make it stop make this stop please help me I can't stop" etc. They're SO SCARED. They're OUT OF CONTROL. They don't know why they do it and THEY DON'T WANT TO but. BUT. Here's the awful thing we realized today.
IT MUTES HEADSPACE.
THAT'S WHY IT GOT SO BAD IN CNC.
That realization slammed into us with a sick shock this evening. When the eating disorder starts up, the foni who are tied to it aren't in touch with innerspace, not unless it's forced, and as a result... bingepurge behavior is, first and foremost, a way of anaesthetizing our soul.
In CNC, we couldn't cope with what the System was experiencing, let alone admit it in the first place... so at night, when Socials and corrupted Cores were no longer running the show, and the empty quiet allowed damaged people to finally show up and talk... well, we couldn't survive with that awareness. So we just shut everything down with the food. But it was violent. It was a form of self-murder. It wasn't fun, it wasn't wanted, it was all a compulsive panicked furious desperate suicidal paroxysm that was, deep down, an exaggerated and brutal symbolic re-living of what, at the very roots, we felt living in that situation. No details, I'm tired. Can't look at that anyway. Can't trust the screaming memory on its own to get the full picture, even the side that was duped. Can't type about that at all until we finally get to the 2017 archives, what we have left.
Anyway. Same thing today. For some reason, probably the family stress and lack of sleep and inability to cope with "downtime" and body sensations during that would bring up God knows what... well, we couldn't cope and so the binge happened to REDIRECT THAT SELF-ABUSIVE PANIC into physical action. If you can't cut, you can throw up. Sick, but true.
We still retributed, though. Oh yes, IT'S BACK. Razor has decided on it, Algorith immediately jumped on board, Knife has given passive allowance but he won't act directly to do it for fear of his own dormant shadows I think. They come up like lightning flashes here and there, and it disturbs him. We all have unhealed wounds.
But every bingepurge gets an "X" on the arm. Not a grave, no knives, no digging out corruption. Now instead of hackers, we're fighting hijackers. Their work is different, but still pernicious. The hackers tried to kill our soul, but the hijackers are LITERALLY killing our body. So we're marking each fight.
Found out we're still allergic to any bandages that are antibacterial or foamy or plastic, haha. Took the skin right off our arm. Ah well. I remember someone pointedly cleaning that up, not even flinching. Maybe it was Razor. But... God, it felt so right, with everyone around again. How strange.

One last vital note, something I realized as the bingepurge began and we were all fighting and shouting at the bodygirls to stop before headspace was clipped quiet like a turned-off TV.
Laurie is SPLINTERING.
She's... talking to herself, almost? Like you can FEEL and almost SEE her entire attitude and perspective shifting in herself, from PURPLE TO VIOLET, from brutal bloody justice to the soft bandaged wounds of mercy. She's both, but she's too polarized, and it's killing her.
God please don't let her die, not like this, please, I can't lose her, I can't lose her too.


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Also TYPE ABOUT ALL OF THIS AS SOON AS YOU GET THE TIME:

"People would never have known their sin adequately had it not been for Christ. Paul could face his enemies and, speaking from a human standpoint, say, "I know nothing against myself" (1 Corinthians 4:4); but, when he contemplated the work of Jesus on the cross, he had a far different estimate of himself, saying, "Jesus came to save sinners ... of whom I am chief!" (1 Timothy 1:15). Every person who brings his heart to Christ will find it bleeding from a consciousness of sin; and this effective work of revealing man's sin constitutes a step in their redemption...
...He is the sin-bearer for all humanity...Only in Christ Jesus is there an effective de-contaminator for human transgression."
"Under the great Mormon organ in the Salt Lake City Tabernacle, a great pit was opened up to give the organ deeper tones. Similarly, people who have been scarred and burned in the ugly pits of sin are often more CONSCIOUS of God's grace than some who have led more conventional lives. Perhaps in this is explained why the publicans and harlots entered into the kingdom of heaven before the Pharisees. Sin is overruled to the benefit of those who truly love God by increasing their appreciation for God's holiness, and through the discipline of sorrows suffered because of sin."
"...How wonderful is the thought that God will remember sin no more, especially when people themselves are unable to forget it."

"Let not us hold that fast which the Lamb of God came to take away: for Christ will either take our sins away or take us away... Whatever God is pleased to take away from us, if [by doing so] he take away our sins, we have reason to be thankful, and no reason to complain."

"[Mary] turns to Him with beautiful faith in His power to help, even in the small present need... she is sure that to tell Him of trouble is enough, for that His own heart will impel Him to share, and perchance to relieve it. Let us tell Jesus our wants and leave Him to deal with them as He knows how."

"He protests against that faithless and wicked division of life into sacred and secular, which has wrought such harm both in the sacred and in the secular regions. So He protests against the notion that religion has to do with another world rather than with this. So He protests against the narrowing conception of His work which would remove from its influence anything that interests humanity. So He says, as it were, at the very beginning of His career, ‘I am a Man, and nothing that is human do I reckon foreign to Myself.’ Brethren! let us learn the lesson that all life is the region of His Kingdom; that the sphere of His rule is everything which a man can do or feel or think... Sanctity is not singularity. There is no need to withdraw from any region of human activity and human interest in order to develop the whitest saintliness, the most Christlike purity. The saint is to be in the world, but not of it; like the Master, who went straight from the wilderness and its temptations to the homely gladness of the rustic marriage."


"The Christ who transforms the water of earthly gladness into the wine of heavenly blessedness, can do the same thing for the bitter waters of sorrow, and can make them the occasions of solemn joy. When the leaves drop we see through the bare branches. Shivering and cold they may look, but we see the stars beyond, and that is better. ‘This beginning of miracles’ will Jesus repeat in every sad heart that trusts itself to Him."