051723

trying to update. rough but honest.


Mom call woke up
Made us super dissociated & nervous
Tried to kitchen prep a bit
Jay talking to Wreckage
Brought up Ashen somehow? Wrex: "I love her. I want her to be safe & happy at last"

Church OLOMC & OOSJ.
So dissociated & anxious about thought of going up house.
Shaking, couldn't focus, wanted to vomit
OVERLOAD & "OUTRAGE" BOTH TRIGGERED IN QUICK SUCCESSION & WE FELT THE DIFFERENCE!!!
ALSO A DIRECTIONAL DIFFERENCE????

"Akessa" the "listen & nod" girl. Mute?
DIFFERENT from the "smalltalk" female social
JACK out a lot? Surprisingly he has ROOTS to his selfhood, notable for a blepofoni

Chickened out & texted mom about fears
This triggered someone out SWEARING & CURSING "us" for being "chickenshit cowards" and telling us to "man the fck up"
JAY FRONTED TO DEFEND THE DAMAGED KIDS. "If they're scared they have a good reason to be AND they're warning us NOT TO GO BACK and make things worse."
Jay able to front a bit after that?
Overlay sliding between boyish redwhite look & "Father Nier" aged & rougher, but with HEART ON CHEST OVERLAY???
Notable shift in "protection" aspect-- boyish NEEDS Laurie, adult protects OTHERS??? Good soldier mindset. "Fight the good fight of faith"
Interesting to see this shifting in real-time

Walmart stop with Genesis
Lost SO MUCH TIME but at least got our mind off the panic
Bantering a lot, lifted our spirits

Garbage bag stop for the mother
Genesis tunes on shuffle: someday soon, sunshine, rooney album.
of course he was singing. honestly lit my heart up so warmly. honestly we really love him so much, you can tell he's so bright because he loves us too, no matter how dark things are he is DETERMINED to be that firework in the night and he DOES it, bless him forever

Home for 2
Adelaide & Julie still working together
my current song obsession: "everybody's going to die one day"
Leon unable to front due to dissociation???
Scalpel trying to laugh & smile BUT "the mouth doesn't match mine"
Julie commented about body bust size, "if you get dysphoria from these tiny things, be glad you don't have MY body." Disconcerting for her NOT to have them. Surprisingly Lynne ALSO DOESN'T? She said even our body's were too big. Surprised at how androgynous her shape is despite her femme appearance.

Sharona "Jezebel bloodline" further thoughts; " It's what I started as but I never want to go back to being that-- so if I am supposed to hold it then I will change it"

Mimic commenting about paidifoni fear & telling them "don't be afraid" negatively? Shaming & punishing for being scared. Said this teaches them to not only numb themselves to danger, but also to be NUMB TOWARDS OTHERS WHO ARE AFRAID, ultimately discarding their right to safety & protection because it’s "immature" or "cowardly." Etc. Paused and then said "yeah you all know I'm just talking about myself here"

Amazing daily devotionals today

Want to exercise but need to eat. Julie Mimic and Laurie pushed us to do 50 crunches at least & a few tricep dips.
Need to be aware of our joint & back trouble.

FINALLY BK AT 315

Ask God for wisdom & He will give freely & without judgment-- LAURIE REFLECTS THIS
"God ENJOYS giving to all people who ask Him"
⭐"WISDOM IS RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS!!" WISDOM COMES FROM PERSONALLY KNOWING & LOVING THE HEART OF CHRIST-- HE WHO IS INCARNATE WISDOM-- AND NOT FROM LISTS & ROTE KNOWLEDGE.
Wisdom is a FEMININE virtue in this regard!!! Knowledge is MASCULINE. And remember, BOTH ARE REQUIRED TOGETHER!!! They complete, enable, enrich each other.
Thinking of Moralimon with this too, esp. "Cultivate wisdom"

Went to moms house for 6pm
Stayed until 8 helping her with sales
Astra still en route!

DN at 9pm oh my goodness

JAY'S PROBLEM WAS THAT HE TRIED TO BE LIGHT ITSELF, INSTEAD OF THE PRISM IT RUNS THROUGH!!!
God bless Alexander MacLaren as always:
"...a lamp must be lit by contact with a light, and must be fed with oil, if its flame is to be sustained. And so the very metaphor-whatever the force of the ambiguous word-in its eloquent contrast between the Light and the lamp, suggests this thought, that the one is underived, self-fed, and therefore undying, and that the other owes all its flame to the touch of that uncreated Light, and burns brightly only on condition of its keeping up the contact with Him, and being fed continually from His stores of radiance."
"For the Christian to be touched with Christ’s Promethean finger is to flame into light. And the condition of continuing to shine is to continue the contact which first illuminated. A break in the contact, of a finger’s breadth, is as effectual as one of a mile. Let Christian men and women, if they would shine, remember, ‘Ye are light in the Lord’; and if we stray, and get without the circle of the Light, we pass into darkness, and ourselves cease to shine."
"So, brethren, when lamps are quenched, let us look to the Light. When our own lives are darkened because our household light is taken from its candlestick, let us lift up our hearts and hopes to Him that abideth for ever. Do not let us fall into the folly, and commit the sin, of putting our heart’s affections, our spirit’s trust, upon any that can pass and that must change. We need a Person whom we can clasp, and who never will glide from our hold. We need a Light uncreated, self-fed, eternal. ‘Whilst ye have the Light, believe in the Light, that ye may be the children of light.'"
 
...

so tired cleaning up for the night.
helped so much by wreckage still being reliable with her job. she still gives xennie extra food because she admittedly has a huge soft spot for the children, and "wants to give them the world" basically. every little extra act of kindness is allowed and encouraged in her eyes. man she is such a sweetheart i love her


adelaide doing such honest work trying to take care of the body.
the instant she steps out the "EMPTY GIRLS" step in and basically objectify/ dehumanize themselves and us
so addie being there is VITAL.


seeing shirley, sirius, and penny talking to her. "we need intercessors." remembering the data trio, but they were dead, their essences were upcycled into this new trio. felt deep sadness in their hearts at this still.
some talk about the "chains" on penny's wrists? felt imposed. jewel spoke up from wherever-- like she likes to do-- saying they were "residual" from the sandman comic memories, they weren't an inherent part of her.
also penny ONLY looks similar to cannon & razor because SHE HOLDS MEMORIES FROM THEIR ERA, the sort of "hidden data" that the other two can't actively reach.
but her hair is DIFFERENT. it's the literal color of a penny, and swoops forward a bit at the bottom? very streamlined. not messy at all.

prayer hour "be a good soldier"


practically BEGGING jesus to "bring infi back" if it was his will. like if there was any chance then PLEASE.
the loss hit so hard, i was reeling, universe collapsed beneath my feet. couldn't cope.
jesus hugging me tight, pained expression, he knew how much this hurt, he wasn't ignoring or handwaving it away. he felt this grief too.
BUT he reminded me "INFI WANTED TO DIE." because ze couldn't stand being a sinkhole of trauma residue anymore. that era needed to collapse, to reset, and infi knew everything was hinging on hir.
and honestly... try to look at those trauma memories NOW.
try to look at the WORST ONE.
it's VOID.
it's just vague data now. the first-person existential horror is GONE. infi took it with hir.
...
dear lord what a sacrifice of love
i could weep for weeks over that fact alone
but jesus reminded me of this. infi HAD to die for our sakes, and ze WANTED to.
now things CAN shift and reset, things CAN get a NEW FOUNDATION, the spectrum can UPDATE AGAIN FINALLY.
nevertheless, if infi ever did or could come back... ze could NOT come back as "infi."
that name, that history, that past, IS DEAD, and MUST STAY DEAD.
it's gutwrenching but it's true.
i think the same thing is happening to me, on some level.
"don't leave it all behind," jesus immediately warns. don't trash the love. don't abandon your loved ones.
there are things that need to die, yes, but remember the resurrection.
remember the resurrection.


archiving and listening to vaporwave
cannot wait to sit and read through all of this in order when it's done, that's going to be lifechanging