prayer journal 06

Don't let the world's distractions deter you from your blessed future! Stay focused on God's promises, and on your goals within them.
What goals has God set for your life? Take a minute to intentionally set your day with them in mind.

God wants me to be creative. I CANNOT deny that. Otherwise He wouldn't have given me SO MANY CREATIVE TALENTS! In recovery, I MUST REMEMBER THAT as my biggest goal-- finally being free & healthy enough TO use them. I MUST schedule them INTO my future, AND remodel my apartment TO FACILITATE MAXIMUM CREATIVITY. The lack of that is WHY I've been "redirecting" my creative impulse TO FOOD & MEALPLANNING. Honestly dude if you really want to "eat intuitively" without obsessing, STOP MAKING FOOD YOUR FOCUS!! Do what GOD MADE YOU TO DO, and GLORIFY HIM IN ALL OF IT. ♡

GUIDANCE FOR TODAY...

+ Obsessively "planning for the future" is a futile attempt to "control" what is INHERENTLY UNCONTROLLABLE, because it's in GOD'S HANDS, NOT OURS! You cannot "prepare/ plan for" the unexpected & unpredictable, but you CAN ironically "expect TO be surprised"! The ONLY WAY to be "ready" for WHATEVER hits & happens is to TRUST IN GOD & RELY ON HIS GUIDANCE, IN THE MOMENT!! The future is GOD'S realm; WE ONLY have RIGHT NOW. Yes, set goals for the future, but stop trying to choreograph all the steps BEFORE you know how God is going to dance with you!! LET GO of the "need" to have "everything figured out," so "everything IS predictable." You NEED to learn to ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES. Be prudent, not careless; be flexible, not rigid; and PRAY ALWAYS!!

UPMC journal 102322

+ Our goals for today: BEGIN TO CLARIFY PERSONAL VALUES & RECOVERY GOALS; & EMBRACE UNPREDICTABILITY.
Arguments like yesterday illustrate that we have AMBIVALENT goals? AND that our very DEFINITIONS of "values/ ideals" are wobbly & unclear. Today, like many days, I woke up feeling "lost" because "I didn't know what to do" for recovery today, psychologically. I DIDN'T consider "being open to the FLOW" and letting our psyche REVEAL its most pressing needs & wounds. BUT, I was ALSO obsessing over THE APARTMENT. AGAIN. I "NEEDED TO KNOW" what to do, so that I could "relax" and, when I am discharged, simply "put the plan into action." Nice & tidy; planned out & prepared for; done & dusted. But I CAN'T achieve that outside of the actual action, because I "DON'T KNOW" THE VARIABLES & THEIR EFFECTS. So I'm freaking out, feeling helpless & overwhelmed & frustrated BECAUSE I literally cannot predict what I will encounter: how much space, how things fit, what will be removed, what will be added. The "unknown" is frightening because I am UNABLE TO KNOW IT. So I CANNOT "plan" specifics. I CANNOT "organize" it all neatly. I'm POWERLESS, with NO KNOWLEDGE. And that is INEVITABLE, because I'M NOT GOD!! ONLY HE KNOWS THE FUTURE. Only HE has power and wisdom!! So I NEED TO STOP TRYING TO "FIGURE THINGS OUT: WITHOUT HIM. When I ask Him TO help me plan, He says, "Know what you want to achieve, but leave the details to ME." AND, "If your goals don't match what I want for you (GOD'S WILL), then I will REDIRECT you; and you must cooperate, or else ALL your "resistant" efforts MUST FAIL." And I can't do THAT "in theory" either. ACTION CAN ONLY BE TAKEN IN THE PRESENT. So, yes, I AM trying to be "wise" & "prepared" in brainstorming the remodel, BUT I NEED TO PRAY ABOUT THESE THINGS, and NOT BE SCARED OF THE ANSWER. I apparently have this FALSE CONVICTION that, if I ask God for something, He WILL say "NO," OR He will tell me, "I shouldn't HAVE to tell you what to do," which my PARENTAL FIGURES would say & do, but NOT GOD!! And HE PROMISES OTHERWISE IN THE BIBLE!!! "Ask & you SHALL receive!" "How much more will the Father give the Spirit to those who ask?" "Without Me you can do NOTHING." "Lean not on your own understanding." ETC.!! When I ask Him to help me with the apartment, I hear, "I will help you when you get there." But why won't You help me plan ahead? "Because you can't. You don't know what you're working with, so all your planning will just wear you out. TRUST ME. I will make sure you get what you NEED." And He tells me to rest. What do I focus on, then, for recovery? "ME. And how you can serve and obey and honor ME in your thoughts & actions." So how does that apply to food? "Don't idolize it. You cannot focus on both God & mammon. Your heart will be focused on one or the other, and THAT is what your motives will serve, coloring all your thoughts & actions. Whether your eat or drink, do ALL THINGS for the glory of God. You KNOW what honors MY PLAN for you & for Creation, and what does not. Continue to read Scripture with an open mind & willing heart. You WILL know the Truth, by My Words. Follow Me, and My Truth WILL set you free, from both addictions & control. Trust Me. The body is more than food, but you are my little sparrow, and I WILL take tender care of you. Work with Me; I am ALWAYS with you, holding your hand. Do not worry about what you will eat. "Give us this day our daily bread," remember. I WILL provide, for ALL your needs, AS you need them. Do not fear; I CANNOT forget you, because I LOVE YOU. Trust in My Love, and live for Me in return-- if you seek first & foremost the Kingdom of God, I will ensure that you will never lack what you need. I am your Shepherd; follow Me, and you shall not suffer want."



post-group//

★PERSONAL VALUES/ IDEALS/ GOALS★

HONESTY = avoiding and correcting falsehood, delusion, secrecy, misleading behavior, etc. Honors TRUTH and REVEALS/ PROTECTS it; candid
INTEGRITY = actions are consistently in alignment with morals; clear conscience; honorable character; practices and seeks to grow in virtue
COURAGE = willing to face fears & challenges; don't hide or avoid difficulty; does not run from trial or persecution; confidence in GOD'S POWER
✳PATIENCE = willing to WAIT for a result or goal WITHOUT resistance or complaint; trust in GOD'S TIMING; does not insist on priority of self
✳MERCY = lenience in dealing with guilty; "second chances"
✳JUSTICE = accountability & giving respect/ chastisement where due
✳COMPASSION = tender-heartedness, empathy, willing to "suffer with" others; capable of softness; seeks to soothe & uplift those in pain/ sorrow
WISDOM = able to meet needs & solve problems effectively; considers SPIRITUAL aspects as focus of solution & responses; prudence
TRUSTWORTHINESS = follows through on promises; guilelessness
✳FORGIVENESS = releases offense to enable redemption & restitution
✳HOPE = conviction of the existence of unseen benevolent things; refusal to despair; ability to pursue future with optimistic realism; uncrushable
BEAUTY/ ELEGANCE = aesthetic & structural/ functional harmony; coordination, etc. wholeness apparent. elicits a sense of wonder? clean.
ORDERLINESS = "everything in its right place & purpose"; precision
✳GRATITUDE = giving thanks for ALL things; sees value everywhere
KNOWLEDGE? UNDERSTANDING? = educated conscious awareness & comprehension of facts/ data; able to apply it to situations
KINDNESS? = always treat others with thoughtful care
✳FIDELITY = unwavering commitment & dedication
✳DISCIPLINE = control of lower nature; even temper
✳TEMPERANCE = no extremes! properly discern "balance"
OBEDIENCE = follow the rules/ authority with total respect
✳TENACITY? = refusal to despair; willing to endure & persevere
✳HUMILITY = lowliness of heart; no ego focus; lowest place; "SOLI DEO GLORIA"
✳VULNERABILITY = openness to be wounded; no defensiveness

RECOVERY GOALS... (TAKE LITTLE STEPS EVERY DAY)
+ no obsessing over "challenges," "trying all options," "force scary things," etc. NO BEHAVIOR COMPULSIONS/ "RULES"!!!
+ eat simply & normally; NO FOOD PREOCCUPATION!! low effort; intuitive; prudent but not obsessive. fuel for OTHER THINGS!
+ get in shape; get back into music; get working on the League? learn digital art & reestablish creative presence online?
+ be ABLE to "sit with discomfort," "embrace unpredictability," and BE FLEXIBLE/ ADAPTABLE with circumstances!
+ utilize POSITIVE COPING SKILLS & emotion regulation techniques in stressful situations/ trauma flashbacks & triggers
+ GET A HEALTHY BODY IMAGE & ACTUAL SELF-IMAGE; self anchored in FAITH & INTERNAL PLURALITY
+ RELEASE "CONTROL" OBSESSION; TRUST IN GOD & live unattached/ surrendering; able to "flow" with change
+ be more active in the church & community; not afraid to be around people; befriend neighbors? find groups?
+ BE GENUINELY SELF-COMPASSIONATE!!! learn to speak GENTLY to self; NO ABUSIVE BEHAVIORS!!!


LOOK, I'M CHALLENGING MY FEARS BIG TIME OKAY???
LUNCH STILL HAS A SHAKE AND THE PIE, SO EXTRA SUGAR WOULD BE STUPID, NOT "BRAVE." THE REAL FEAR IS OF THOSE DAM DORITOS, WHICH WE STILL ARE CONVINCED WE'RE "ALLERGIC TO" & THAT WE WON'T BE ABLE TO BREATHE.
SO I PICKED THEM.
TAKE THAT, COWARDICE!!!!
NO MORE RUNNING AWAY FROM FEAR!!!
FACE THE CHALLENGE OR YOU CAN'T CONQUER IT!!!
AND HEY IF WE DO GET SICK THEN NOW WE "KNOW"
BUT AVOIDANCE DOES NO GOOD FOR ANYTHING.


Looking at this with "flexible mind" AND self-compassion:
You picked the BIGGEST challenge option! That IS progress in courage AND prudence-- choosing the sundae would tempt you to behaviors with this meal, & the other options would be poor timing options/ too easy. So you DID act with integrity here! You ARE capable AND willing, as this proves!
Flexible: the "lunch CS" dilemma CAN AID WITH THIS CHALLENGE. You can CONSISTENTLY retry it if needed, PREVENTING ANY "AVOIDANCE," while STILL facing ALL the other CS options at other meals!
BUT WHAT IF the Ensure option shift WOULD be "wiser/ tougher"?? It would DIRECTLY challenge our fears of BOTH sugar AND Ensure? Which ties into our "drinking trauma" echo that we HAVE been running from as it's STILL INTENSE deep down. So it MUST be brought up to the surface.
PROS: face sugar fear/ face drinking-sweet trauma-fear/ face Ensure fear & flashbacks/ more nutrients/ less volume
CONS: need to CHOOSE flavor at every meal; prone to obsess & "schedule"/ adds sugar to every meal/ fear of vomiting from it



post-lunch//

...I'm starting to wonder if this "Dorito forcing" is just subtle self-abuse. I DID get sick from them, AGAIN-- nose running & stuffy, trouble breathing, hot flashes, ears ringing. My "foolhardy" brain is now JUMPING ON THAT as "MORE REASONS TO OBSESSIVELY REPEAT IT, UNTIL I DON'T GET SYMPTOMS ANYMORE." THAT'S THE EXACT DAMN MINDSET THAT FUELED THE BINGE/ PURGE CYCLE!!! "YOU MUST FORCE YOURSELF TO ENDURE THIS SCARY THING OVER & OVER, NO BREAKS, UNTIL YOU AREN'T SCARED ANYMORE AND LEARN TO LIKE IT." THAT WAS ALL THE SXABUSE!!!

halloween fears

WHY AM I SO DISTURBED BY HALLOWEEN???
It is EXPLICITLY tied to TBAS days?? We were NEVER "freaked out" by it before??
★ WE'LL NEED TO CHECK THE ARCHIVES FOR LOST YEARS IN ANY CASE.

---------------------------

ACTUAL NC "MEMORIES" TIED TO THIS FEAR =

+ Altar on the porch; no idea what was ON it
+ burning incense sticks??
+ "trick or treating" & that moment under the streetlight when I felt SO TRAPPED & MISERABLE that "this was my life now & there's no escape" that, for an awful instant, I HATED them. They were dancing or something, looking at me as if expecting approval? it felt controlling, manipulative; like a total invalidation & REJECTION of my own pain & fear. They were dressed like a devil. it was existentially horrifying.
+ PIG HEARTS. in the sink. on the porch. popping in the oven.
+ dead things in their closet. obsessed with bones & corpses. (mortuary science)
+ those LASCIVIOUS books about werewolves, and how BADLY they SAID they "wanted to BE one." the horrible descriptions of cannibalism, sex, & murder they showed me, as if it were a self-revelation.
+ they called things "goblins" frequently, including themselves; if something was being "gross/ dirty/ rude/ unmannerly/ etc." they called murphy that a lot when he misbehaved. they saw it as a "pet name." it felt like a backhanded insult.
they started to call moralimon that. it made me furious.
+ they identified as a witch/ warlock; so did Jade.
+ halloween was THEIR "holy day," all focused on death and fear and disturbing morbid things. felt blasphemous.
+ they took us to a city graveyard. wanted to make out. felt SO WRONG.
+ "hocus pocus" is anticatholic; so are spells & magic. they cast spells & charms & did divination & tarot.
+ they were fascinated with vampires. bit us too. LITERALLY "drank" blood. with our own obsession with blood (for different reasons) we felt very dragged into playing along with their corruption of it, and were very taken advantage of. bitterly hated self for it.
+ their obsession with black & its negative, "creepy" aspects. this infected us fatally too.


OTHER THINGS TIED TO THIS FEAR =

+ Jade howling like a dog/wolf, as a "witch"
+ Jade threatening to murder the twins by stabbing a pumpkin full of knives
+ the internet at large "sexualizing" monsters. insulting & disgusting. NEGATIVELY "romanticized." this whole thing makes us so angry we could spit bullets.
+ zombies having anticatholic; blatant disregard of the sanctity of human body/ rejection of resurrection/ necromancy
+ same thing with frankenstein's monster; take "life power" away from God
+ CURSES, POSSESSION, HAUNTINGS, etc. = DEMONIC
+ HYPERFOCUS ON FEAR AND EVIL "FORCES"
+ Candy focus; personal sugar=sex terror; PEDOPHILIA trauma
+ "trick or treat" disturbance relating to obsessive behavior; "give me something pleasurable or I'll WRECK YOU"
+ SO MUCH EXPLICIT REFERENCE TO THE DEVIL (witches, vampires, jackolanterns, zombies, etc. also literal COSTUMES)
+ ghosts ALSO a subtle "rejection" of Christian afterlife/ soul AND reality of judgment??
+ skeletons treated as "separate from body"? not respected as PART of us, but seen as "remains"; labeled as "creepy"
+ NO RESPECT FOR DEATH
+ bizarre undertone of "DEHUMANIZATION"??? costumes, monsters, ghosts, werewolves, vampires, zombies, etc. = ALL involve LOSS OF HUMAN-NESS!!! even REJECTION.
+ costumes can be DISTURBINGLY SEXUAL and/or offensive, even blasphemous. and again, they target CHILDREN.
+ DISRESPECT/ DESECRATION OF CEMETERIES
+ WITCHES & paraphernalia; BLATANTLY antichristian.
+ HUGE emphasis on paganism AND rejection of Christianity IN GENERAL
+ all day today, people feel like "prey"

upmc: common addictions

★You are ADDICTED when you are unable to stop a behavior pattern or use of substances, despite negative consequences and despite your best efforts to stop.★

(we were shocked at just HOW MANY OF THESE we have had. posting them here for brutal honesty's sake, and so we NEVER GO BACK.)


+ SEEKING A "HIGH"; COPING WITH SENSORY DEPRIVATION
+ "ADRENALINE RUSH" through PUSHING FEAR???
+ THESE ARE BROKEN/ MALADAPTIVE SURVIVAL MECHANISMS!!! "do the best YOU CAN with WHATEVER you have; WHATEVER IT TAKES" = "it WORKED once, to GET ME THROUGH something terrible"


    • ALCOHOL
      + ALMOST (potential). Runs in family. CNC was a huge environmental risk. Arguably our obsession with altar wine could fit this, if we aren't careful.

    • ATTENTION SEEKING
      +

    • AVOIDING (personal interaction)
      +

    • BULIMIA
      + Blatantly so.

    • COFFEE
      + ALMOST (potential). Runs in family, "caffeine drug" essentially. Remember the Godot days too.

    • COLLECTING ART
      + Digital files, thousands of them. Also remember whoever spent TONS of money buying astrima's art, and commissions from everyone they could find. We don't regret the results, but still, it was almost compulsive.

    • COLLECTING BOOKS
      + Religious ones; we have SHELVES full. We avoid thrift store bookshelves now for this reason. The main thriskefoni girl in the past is infamous for this; we donated literal boxes full to the local convent when we left the hospital. We don't know WHERE or HOW she got them all.

    • COLLECTING CLOTHES
      + Arguably; based on "fear of lack" from family upbringing.

    • COLLECTING MUSIC
      + Spotify is proof. In the old days (Spinny era?), young foni would buy albums almost on a whim, from either FYE or eBay, trying to discover new stuff. Again, a sad amount of cash went towards this.

    • COLLECTING OTHER (Celebi/ Chaos 0/ Unicorns/ Care Bears)
      + HUNDREDS of dollars went into this over the years. We admittedly miss these collections, as they were impelled by affection, but the physical superfluity of the object hoarding defeated their ultimate purpose.

    • COMPUTERS
      + Started around 2000, then the Spinny years (2004+) really sank this deep.

    • DIETING
      + Ties into avoidant rules/ obsessions

    • DRUGS
      + ALMOST. Jade tried to rope us in many times. Nevertheless, we DO have a "panic addiction" to allergy meds, in the sense of "if I DON'T take it I WILL DIE"

    • FOOD: CARBS
      + Oatmeal, obviously

    • FOOD: OTHER
      + Vegetables, oils, and eggs, to INSANE extents. Some insane nights we'd eat two cartons of eggs, up to twenty bags of broccoli, a whole bottle of olive oil, etc. All of that was the eating disorder, true, BUT the fact that we "NEEDED" those particular foods was a unique addictive aspect.

    • GAMBLING
      + Mentally, and on old petsites. Not sure why this is so strong, but it is. We tread very carefully with it now.

    • GOSSIPING?
      + "Need to know" lies vs truth; OPPOSE?

    • IMAGINING/ FANTASIZING
      + HIGH SCHOOL. This is "maladaptive daydreaming" apparently. But Jewel did this for HOURS, EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.

    • INTERNET
      + Even research! We "can't stop until we find ___," or the like; in truth we feel that we can't stop at all, and make "excuses" to keep going? Feels out of control, helpless, MANDATORY even.

    • INTERNET GAMES
      + AYWAS, and originally NEOPETS (~2002)

    • KLEPTOMANIA
      + Especially in childhood. We used to have this "push" mindset that, if we went somewhere new or special, we had to take something. It was a weird sort of affection gone wrong. Remember how we would take things from AAA all the time because we didn't know how else to express our feelings, BUT the feeling memory IS "addictive"; we "had to" do it, even when we were scared of getting in trouble or getting caught.

    • LYING
      + We wonder if we aren't a bit of a "compulsive liar," because we find we "instinctively" hide or bend the truth even though we do not want to. It feels "forced," in that panicked "kneejerk" way.

    • PORNOGRAPHY
      + Torture porn was the worst one.

    • RISKY BEHAVIORS
      + VERY MUCH SO in college, with that "compulsive" bent to them. Cannon was always flirting with death & danger it seemed, but not casually so-- it was like, if she saw/knew there was an opportunity TO do something potentially harmful or dangerous, she "HAD TO" do it.

    • SELF-MUTILATION
      + It really was/is an addiction on some level.

    • SEX
      + ABUSIVELY so. These were the Julie days.

    • SHOPPING
      + Even groceries, especially with the eating disorder in full swing. If we couldn't shop we would literally have meltdowns.

    • SLEEPING
      + Not sure if this is "addictive," or just massive fatigue/ depression. Feel it out.

    • SMARTPHONE APPS
      + Even the Bible app! They feel like "bubbles" we get stuck in and cannot quit. "All or nothing" mindset.

    • SMOKING
      + POTENTIAL. I don't know why but I can feel it. If we started, we might not stop. This runs big-time in the family too.

    • SOCIAL NETWORKING
      + Tumblr.

    • SPEED
      + Arguably so, tied to mania & anxiety.

    • SPIRITUAL PRACTICES
      + OBVIOUSLY.

    • SPORTS: BIKING
      + We have a history of biking for like 3-5 hours some nights, especially during college. We couldn't stop and didn't want to.

    • SPORTS: RUNNING
      + This was very addictive in terms of the "high," too.

    • SPORTS: WEIGHTLIFTING
      + Arguably so, during high school. We would carry weights and lift them even while eating or watching TV; not doing so made us panic.

    • TELEVISION
      + Remember the CNC marathons, and childhood "VHS nights."

    • VIDEOS
      + Remember the Chizu week! Once we get "into a groove" we feel OBLIGATED to continue it! We were ordering so many DVDs from the library we wanted to cry, but we "couldn't stop."

    • VIDEO GAMES
      + CHILDHOOD. Honestly we LIVED on video games, ESPECIALLY POKEMON.

    • WORKING
      + EVEN THE LEAGUE & ARCHIVES.

    • OTHER: MENTAL ILLNESS?
      + Arguably we are addicted to our symptoms on some level??