UPMC journal 100822

post-breakfast//

Breakfast trouble: freaking out & CRYING over "NOT being allowed to CHOOSE our fluid amounts." Triggered old "abusive control" trauma memories with TBAS & TAS. I can't remember how exactly it resolved, except that we were ultimately allowed to redistribute the water in the cups, albeit ashamedly and thoroughly humiliated. (we were firmly chastised AND forgiven. it was humbling. from now on, DON'T SPLIT FLUIDS. COMMIT to one OR two-- NOT "half & half!")
We DID try the honey again, putting some in the tea (green) AND oatmeal, but I DON'T like the taste, so no more of it. We ALSO were brave & mixed ALL the raisins in the oatmeal-- our one mistake was putting some of the brown sugar in the coffee. Don't do that!! We already put one white sugar in, PLUS two creamers, & even then the sugar was too much! The brown sugar just "muddies" the taste with TOO MUCH BROWN, and a differing tone, too? Warmer & lighter. But it DOESN'T WORK, PLUS it's DISORDERED, so STOP THAT. Besides not actually liking the honey-- EVEN THOUGH we TRIED to force ourselves to, "for grandma"-- the raisins DID TASTE/ FEEL SO MUCH NICER in the oatmeal! They start to taste more like actual grapes again! So that was nice. Our input was hindered by both our nerves & the honey, but GOD remembers & He showed us! ♥ We also asked for His help with the strawberry PopTart, which we noticed we were "circling" and STOPPED! ♥ So that was another victory for obedient propriety-- a little "penance" in restitution for our fluid-control stubbornness. It tastes "sharper/ brighter" than literal strawberries; it's saturated & leaning slightly warm? Ah! It's closer to "firm" strawberries, NOT soft ones-- the riper they get, the sweeter & more blue" they lean. I forgot their flavor could evolve & vary like that! Now we know. (btw ALL flavors are affected by white sugar overlay; it's like turning up white noise? literally "crystallizes" on top of flavortone; "soft-point sharpness" that MUTES actual sharp/ vibrant tones with itself. WATER combats this; it's why raisins "MELLOW OUT" & become "less sharp" in the oatmeal-- plain, the intense sweetness registers almost like a bright pink flash; it's NOT there with the oats; it mellows almost to a redviolet undertone) This morning we ALSO had an added CS-- a STRAWBERRY SUNDAE. FOR BREAKFAST. That's my ONE BIG COMPLAINT about this program: the breakfasts are absolute sugarbombs! And yes I DID get quite sick and want to puke/ pass out. NEVERTHELESS, I MUST "keep an attitude of gratitude" and TRUST GOD'S WISE PROVIDENCE, EVEN IN THIS. God knew I'd be eating a breakfast sundae, AND He TOOK THAT FULLY INTO HIS PLAN FOR TODAY!! God cannot be hindered or confounded, especially not by one of HIS OWN CREATIONS, which sugar & ice cream & strawberries ALL ARE. So give your worries to Him, too, and receive His Peace through FAITH in His Goodness, at ALL TIMES. So about that sundae. We did have to stop briefly to answer Staff's questions-- which TOTALLY severed our focus & made us dissociate in order TO talk, forcing us to "restart" the process of "concentrating/ processing" input all over again. So we were very shaken off-center. Still, we practiced acceptance & mercy, forgiving her "interruption" (how selfish our thought!!) and reminding ourself that she ONLY did so TO be aware of/ considerate of our needs, AND just like with the water, WE NEED TO RELINQUISH OUR OBSESSIVE ADDICTION TO, & COMPULSION TO CONTROL the "predictability" & "stability" of ANY situation!! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED to be in "our control!! THAT'S IDOLATRY. It's also stupid, because God knows I have NO idea what the actual consequences/ effects OF my vain efforts to control things even ARE, and CAN'T know, because that's ONLY POSSIBLE FOR GOD!!! So be humble & LET GO. TRUST GOD'S DIRECTION & SOVEREIGNTY, and ROLL WITH IT. That's the ONLY way, AND the BEST way, to face EVERYTHING. PARTICIPATE with His Will, and you WILL find joy, even in the most unexpected circumstances!



post-group//

+ Some quick post-group notes, talking about family trauma/ how or loved ones respond/ contribute to eating disorder behaviors.
✳ Trauma objectification & body image terror. "Small/ safe/ innocent/ pure" tied to PREPUBESCENT shape & weight; recovery terror at gaining an ADULT body shape: "locked in" to trauma (assumption). // Everything else is understandably forgiveable, & manageable; but sxtrauma is STILL horrifying, but buried.

UPMC: FAMILY EATING DISORDERS

HOW FAMILY MEMBERS REACT TO MY EATING:

Apparently LOTS of gossip & secret whispering; no one TALKS to me about it.

Mom blames herself, & tries to:
- Pretend it's not happening
- Cure it herself or wish it away
- Control what &/or how much I eat
- "Threaten" me to stop

Dad things it's ridiculous & immature, and:
- Tells me to "man up" and get over it
- "Threatens" me to stop, gives me the cold shoulder


I FEEL:

Weak, rejected, hurt, angry, inherently broken, dirty, subhuman, ashamed, undeserving of compassion or mercy, disgraceful; I loathe myself, give in to despair, hate myself when I can't "just get better"



FAMILY BEHAVIORS THAT INFLUENCE MY EATING:

★ Historically, our childhood "family meals" were framed by obsessive/ stressful/ forced prep & cleanup; rigidly timed; & often punctuated/ broken up by arguments. Typically people stormed away, left early, etc. Dour moods. NO "happy" memories.


MOM

CONSTANTLY says she "hates her body/ appearance"; constantly talks about trying to lose weight via restrictive eating & compulsive exercise; openly ridicules/ mocks "heavy" people AND herself; used to ridicule/ poke fun at me when younger by saying things like "you have a bubble butt," "you better stop eating or you'll look like grandma," etc; BUT ALSO made comments like "I wish I was as skinny as you; I'm fat & ugly" and "Give me some diet tips/ advice on how to lose weight", and would always ask me to work out with her FOR weight loss. Always showing off/ displaying old modeling photos of herself (she was SUPER THIN) & refusing to throw out her high school/ college outfits, bragging at how tiny they were, AND saying "one day I WILL lose enough weight to fit in these again." ALSO would make ME dress up in them, BOTH praising my thinness AND subtly critiquing the ways I failed to measure up to that ideal-- my wider hips, pudgier stomach, etc. It was both humiliating & damaging to my sense of individuality & worth. To this day she openly obsesses over "healthy food" vs "garbage food"-- fixating on calories, fat, sugars, carbs, & processing. If she eats a "forbidden" food she laughs, says her "diet is ruined"/ "why even bother trying"/ "I have no willpower" etc., claims it will "go straight to her belly/ butt/ hips", and concludes "I'll have to skip meals tomorrow/ exercise even more to lose that FAT." NEVER happy with body. ALWAYS comparing her shape to others & wistfully/ resentfully clinging to "ideal" of PRE-ADULTHOOD.

DAD

Rarely saw him eat, BUT never saw disordered behavior. Never complained, not picky, casual/ normal diet. Great cook. Aware of own hunger & fullness cues; respects them! Portion control is apt; he never overcooks; unafraid to make/ use leftovers. No body image complaints, ever. I DEFINITELY need to visit him & share meals more often; ONLY TROUBLE is that he is totally intolerant OF disordered behavior & openly condemns it, calling it "stupid" & "insane". Deeply shamed me. It does motivate me thought, because I feel that way about it too. Still, the lack of patience/ compassion is disturbing.

GRANDMA

OCD "control"/ perfection obsessions. "Ate like a bird"; "I'm not hungry"; tiny portions, tiny bites, eating seen as a chore? "The thought/ smell of food makes me want to throw up"; VERY CRITICAL of manners/ propriety!! Manners must be METICULOUSLY CLEAN. Any burps/ drips/ drool/ crumbs/ spills/ slips/ runny noses/ etc. were absolutely demonized as "disgusting" AND "you should be ashamed"/ "Don't you feel disgusting?" Often called us "pigs"; "you eat like a wild animal"; "babies aren't even as messy as you"; etc. OFTEN spoke "to an audience" in this way-- "Ugh! LOOK at how piggish she is!" shaming. STRONGLY SUSPECT that she said things like "GOOD GIRLS DON'T ACT/ BEHAVE LIKE THAT"; implying "LIKE YOU." My "filthiness" MADE ME BAD. Also made me INHUMAN; by her rules, "people" were neat, clean, prim & poised, eating tiny bits with tiny bites, chewing thoroughly & never rushing, etc. Hunger was mocked & scorned; always told to wait; "be grateful you even HAVE food." Tied into "NEVER eat too much." Fear of rations/ scarcity? Yet NO "taste for it," for the most part-- even if she DID like a food, she would rarely eat the whole thing... she only started to 'ASK FOR MORE" when she was starving from cancer. We'd all be so shocked, yet grateful, that she WAS eating.

GRANDPA

Overate, "licked up every crumb"; "ravenous." Junk food hoarding/ hiding; bought/ ate secretly. ANGRY when eating was interrupted, OR he couldn't eat the specific thing he wanted; avoidant eating habits formed easily & hard-- one bad experience & he'd REJECT that food for YEARS. VERY messy eater, ALWAYS "wanted more." Stockpiled/ hoarded food to excess; bought things he didn't even need. Food typically spoiled, rotted, or went stale-- BUT HE WOULD STILL EAT IT! Sometimes he'd even INSIST on it, REFUSING to "throw out food" until it was literally inedible (i.e. ALL mold, turned to mush). Even then he'd make excuses; he'd pick off mold, pick out bugs, wipe off slime, etc. AND EAT IT ANYWAY. Often ONLY bought old/ stale food "because it was cheaper" AND "he didn't want to see it thrown away." Would lick wrappers & lids & packets to get every last bit; he would even pick things OUT of the garbage, if he saw someone toss a food "that was still edible/ unfinished." Food as security/ comfort?

ASTRA

WON'T try new foods because she's "afraid she might go into anaphylaxis"; BUT NO ALLERGIES?? PANIC DISORDER/ rage issues? Depression/ dysphoria restriction. Only ate snack food; wouldn't touch a vegetable. Originally would not feed self; relied on snacks left on her desk. Now goes for hours, maybe days, without eating? Losing weight fast. As a child she was teased "what a chubby baby!" and ridiculed "then why isn't she jolly?" basically. Stereotypical. Mom said she'd "grow up to be big & hefty/ brawny" with a "baritone voice." Considering she's MTF, no wonder she's restricting. ANXIETY VOMITS, making eating feel "useless" & distressing.

DIAMOND

Nutrition obsession; medical focus. Keto diet; HYPERAVOIDANT. Three foods!! Always been a picky eater, outright refusing to eat things that even TOUCHED certain foods. Many texture aversions. Childhood "demanding" portions before anyone else-- WOULDN'T eat it once someone else touched it!! If he saw grandma touch or taste a food while preparing it, he likewise would refuse to eat it. Always buying new supplements & diet books. Will NOT eat around others. OVEREXERCISES!! "Body builder" rigid routine.

JADE

Hyperlimited "new age" diet, certain foods "poison" &/or "killing my mind/ soul". Only raw &/or "superfoods"? Restrictive & avoidant. SUPER MESSY-- never cleaned mess OR washed plates/ utensils. Ate more powders/ pills/ bars than whole foods. CHILDHOOD STEROID WEIGHT GAIN; "hated" that "self"? Rejected past.

★ ALL siblings typically wouldn't eat ALL DAY unless someone else MADE them a plate & brought it TO them-- even then they would refuse to eat anything "mushy/ discolored/ mixed wrong/ crumbled or broken." Would let food sit & ROT on their desks rather than eat it OR touch it to throw away.

ME

Anorexic bulimic since age 14, if not earlier. The ONLY person who vomits on purpose, OR binges. Ashamed. Developed BOTH as a broken coping mechanism for trauma & severe emotional distress. Moral views about food/ eating; OCD compulsions, obsessive & excess exercise, avoided most foods out of choking "fear of poisoning / fatal allergy"

DBT WORKBOOK NOTES

FORGIVENESS

★To LET GO of ANGER, consider its EMOTION URGES??
"I was attacked/ hurt/ insulted/ threatened"
"My integrity and/or status has been damaged"
"My goals/ desires were blocked and/or prevented"
ANGER IS NOT EFFECTIVE FOR FORGIVENESS, SO...
- DO SOMETHING KIND & NICE FOR THEM (SAYS JESUS!!)
- IMAGINE THEIR PERSPECTIVE COMPASSIONATELY
- GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT

★ TBAS did not meet my admitted expectations for a friend, especially not one I "loved"?
I RESENTED
I was ANGRY
I GRIEVED
They "failed" to express love in a way I understood; they "failed" to show concerned compassion for my illness (the eating disorder).

BENEFITS OF FORGIVING: finally free my heart/ mind from resentment/ anger/ bitterness/ grief/ fear/ etc. and be ABLE TO LOVE AGAIN. also, it's PROPER CHRISTIANITY! I don't want to have a grudge! I want to be HONESTLY COMPASSIONATE & MERCIFUL. I want to see them as PEOPLE again, that I CAN LOVE.

DIFFICULTIES TO FORGIVING: it feels like I'm ERASING THE TRAUMATIC REALITY and INVALIDATING MY PAIN/ FEAR/ DAMAGE. Forgiving them FEELS like saying "yeah, they did this TERRIBLE thing that was VERY WRONG, but it's okay! I'm over it! I don't hold them accountable; let's put all that behind us!"

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WISE MIND

"Our thoughts & behaviors are often impacted by our state of mind. At times, we become stuck in a mindset that causes us to be impulsive, acting on urges without factoring in the consequences to our behaviors. We can also get so stuck in our mindset that we don't allow ourselves to develop new insight about situations we may find ourselves in..."

★ The "GETTING STUCK" concept is SCARILY APPLICABLE to System DYSfunction!!
When "STUCK DOWNSTAIRS" (no internal communication), we ALSO "get stuck" in EITHER EMOTIONAL OR RATIONAL MIND. Typically the latter "activates" abruptly as a "forced stop" for the former, in an extreme shift. "overload" vs "shutdown."
this can ONLY be prevented/ fixed by GOING UPSTAIRS, OR by having someone "COME DOWN"/ reach down/ GHOST.
★ HANDWRITING/ VOICE BREAKTHROUGHS ALSO allow for a change, BUT it typically TAKES A CRISIS to trigger them. That's a mixed blessing for sure.

★ Hyper-reasonable mind is PLAGUE/ ICE.
It likes to use "should/ shouldn't" & "proper/ improper"? SHAMES emotions AND personality. invalidates values??? can be callous. treats life as mechanical; body as robotic. "rules to follow" & "expectations to meet." productivity, "effectiveness." longterm focus? dehumanizing?? "your opinion doesn't matter"
★ Hyper-emotion mind is TAR/ FIRE.
likes to use "have to/ cannot" & "always/ never"? extremely agitated; "facts" invalidated & mutated by distorted beliefs. focused on NOW, but ruled by past/ future fears. no control or patience. feels in EXTREMES. notably it can be both HIGH (manic, hyper) & LOW (hollow, despair)
★ The middle ground, "wise mind," is what we have through SPECTRUM COMMUNICATION/ COOPERATION.
NEVER INVALIDATES; IMPARTIAL COMPASSION. Respects AND critiques BOTH extremes; goal is to UNITE/ HARMONIZE; NOT "COMPROMISE"!!! All needs are considered & taken into VALID account. Values past, present, AND future; inside AND outside; us AND them; etc. WITH INTEGRITY!!!

Think about a time when you were stuck in reasonable mind. How did being stuck impact your thoughts and behaviors?

It kicks in whenever I "resist reality" due to trauma fear. It shuts down & shames my emotions/ reactions; "you're being foolish"; "you're overreacting"; "you're only doing this for pity/ drama/ attention"? Tells me to "put up with it" and do what is "expected/ normal." REJECTS past. My thoughts & emotions flatten. My behaviors become catatonic & mechanized, based on "orders" & "imitation." I lose the ability to have/ express opinions, values, ideas, etc. Stripped down to gears.

How would this hyper-reasonable situation have been different if you had used wise mind?

Wise mind ACKNOWLEDGES & VALIDATES trauma responses to triggers, as being normal & understandable survival/ coping mechanisms, meant to protect us from/ prevent further danger & damage. But it ALSO can PROPERLY DISCERN whether or not that fear is ACTUALLY APPLICABLE to the current situation/ trigger. If so, it effectively & respectfully gets us TO a safe place. If not, it comforts & reassures us, assuaging fears. In ALL cases it ACTS WITH COMPASSION, CLARITY, INTEGRITY, & CARE.

Think about a time when you were stuck in emotional mind. How did being stuck impact your thoughts and behaviors?

It kicks in almost instinctively when I'm triggered by trauma-- especially with the body as of late. It catastrophizes, seeing utter doom & despair as the only possible outcomes. It is INCAPABLE of coping because it feels SUCH SCREAMING INTENSITY that "coping" seems not only impossible but suicidal. It is convinced that our life is in imminent, fatal danger, and reacts desperately, with panicked sobs and frantic grasping at any "way out" it can find. Ironically, it typically IS suicidal-- and if not, it's violent. It either runs away, or attacks.

How would this hyper-emotional situation have been different if you had used wise mind?

Adding on to the previous: Wise Mind CAN be patient, because it FIRMLY BELIEVES THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE, and it ACTIVELY works TO find it in ALL crises. It KNOWS we CAN cope, and it knows HOW. It understands emotion, and CAN EMPATHIZE, so it DOESN'T DISMISS them-- but it can ALSO SEE THE FACTS AND THE WHOLE/ BIG PICTURE, even AS it tends carefully TO the details. Again, "wise mind" IS NOT "COOL" or even "DETACHED"-- it gets elbow-deep INTO the hurt WITH our aching pieces, to gently but powerfully HELP THEM OUT OF IT.


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EMOTIONS

What emotions (from the list) have you recently felt?

Trauma: LOTS of fear. Disgust & sadness at body shape change. Anger at weight gain. Guilt at not being as kind as I should, or wish to be. Shame at bad manners & body shape. Happiness at Bible study. Love for the blue guy. No jealousy or envy? Thank God!!

Are there certain emotions that you have difficulty experiencing?

Love, because of trauma. Happiness, because of mania. Anger, because it's so VIOLENT. Disgust, because it's so VISCERAL. Sadness, because it's so DEEP. Shame & guilt are both OVERWHELMINGLY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE (THAT is seen as repair/ appeasement)! I'm scared of envy & jealousy because they're entitled & possessive. Practicing gratitude & acceptance helps keep them away.

What do you find difficult about experiencing certain emotions?

They feel SICK & UGLY & WRONG, which is upsetting NOW that I can SEE the PURPOSES of those emotions! They just disrupt peace, and they're OVERWHELMING. But I need to reflect on them more. They all exist for some intended good, even if they're clumsy & misguided. It's up to me, WITH GOD'S HELP, to gently redirect them for GOOD!!


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ACCEPTANCE

★ REJECTION/ REFUSAL ARE GRAVE SINS!!!

+ All the events in your life have led up to now, and THIS moment IS leading into others; so BE here for them all! This present moment is the result of a million others moments, and God has guided ALL of them rightly! He's doing the same for this one!
+ Changing reality means first accepting it, as it IS right now!! (RESHIRAM) Always say, "THY WILL BE DONE!"
+ Pain cannot be avoided. THE CROSS IS ETERNAL & UNIVERSAL.
+ Rejecting reality turns pain into suffering = DISMAS VS GESTAS!!
+ The present moment is perfect, even if you don't like what's happening. TRUST IN GOD! BE GRATEFUL for His Good plans even if you can't see them!
+ Everyone has limitations to the future, but we must only "accept" realistic limitations. When they DON'T apply, you have REALISTIC POSSIBILITY!
+ Everything has a cause, even if it generates pain & suffering. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away." Even pain has purpose. "Though he slay me, I STILL HOPE IN HIM."
+ Life is worth living, even with painful events in it! There will be pain, but there will also be good times, and they are always worth the struggle. The Cross is the ONLY path to the Resurrection!!