083117

 

03:07 am


"my aesthetic is making other people feel genuinely important and loved."

#you know what #this is obviously jay #but i think it applies to the vast majority of us whether we'd openly admit it or not #and that's a really achingly beautiful realization #to the system from the system with love

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04:15 am


I'm reviewing old entries from 2015 and I forgot how achingly desperately I miss everyone.

There's an old concept from Cannon's timeline, I think. The "fear of happiness." The half-cycle terror. The awful dreadful worry that, if we feel too much positivity, too much happiness, we'll become manic. Abusive. Blind. Lost. Hedonistic in the bad way-- obsessed with selfish desires and an incapacity to care about others. Drowning in ignorance. All because we forgot how to bleed.
…I think that's Cannon's true anchor. It, like all of us, is rooted in the deepest aching love. She had such a deep sorrow to her heart that, quite honestly, is what obviously kept us alive during that time. When the outside was all stress and nerves and social overload and noisy hyper-interaction… when that threat of mania loomed over us, almost forced us to become like our birth mother, losing herself in that awful buzzing haze of external static… Cannon was this deep red tearful bastion standing off to the side, bleeding to scare away the devils. That's what atonement always was. Bleed out the corruption. Bleed to open yourself back up. Bleed to remember that you have a heart. Bleed to feel something deeper and truer and more fracturingly fragile than any fleeting false-joys of the day. God bless her.

But… we can't do that now. It doesn't work like that anymore, solely because we don't want to have to harm our poor battered body anymore just to say sane. Yes, we adore every scar. Yes, even knowing why we have some of them. The love that motivates every damn thing every blessed one of us ever does is still present in those marks of pain, still forever evident in the reasons why we took up a knife or a razor or anything else that bit as hard as love. Anything that broke through the veil dividing heaven and earth, dividing body and spirit, dividing inside and outside. Anything that shattered the most literal wall we could and did ever have.

…Anything that "drew blood." Dear Lord. No wonder Razor identifies as an artist. That just hit my heart like a truck.

But we can't do that now. Unfortunately. God knows how sometimes I still desperately ache to see that color painting this form again. And yet, now I also know that despite the beloved marks it leaves, it's not ideal. Not here. Not literally.

So what do we do, when we feel the crushing buzz of everyday life tightening around our throat?
…god, that hits too close to home.

We don't want to die. Not like that. Not literal sorrow-wracked death.
Maybe that's the key? Death is only a door, death is the road to awe, death is the path to bliss… but remember what ryo said once, dearly beloved ryo, in that synchronistic message that motivated that equally beloved triple incident in that equally beloved winter.
"if you want to kill yourself, kill what you don't like. kill narcissus. I had an old self that I killed. you can kill yourself too, but that doesn't mean you got to stop living."

…and yet, even that isn't entirely applicable.
death is transmutation, for us.
we're gonna turn this coal into diamonds.
we're going to use this fire to turn us ALL into solid gold.

"kill them with kindness," the bible wryly says. eschew violence for mercy that burns twice as hard. it's the irony, the glorious beautiful irony, of light. the truth always hurts like hell, but that's how you get to heaven. we know. I know.

…On nights when Oliver works, I think we need to do this. Just… sit down, and start typing. Whatever happens, happens. Follow our heart. Follow our souls. Whatever flows onto this page, let it. Don't hold anything back.

We adore him, we all do, don't get me wrong. But he and his own, as well as all of us, need time to ourselves too. We need those full cycles. Inside and outside. Together and alone, ironically (neither of us are ever ever alone). But that balance is key. You need light and dark alike to be whole. Human existence is exactly as precious as it is because it is the ENTIRE human experience that is so treasured. The tragedy and the hope, the despair and the bliss, existing simultaneously, sometimes incomprehensibly, often jarringly. But that's life. That's the definition of life. It's this wild and terrible gorgeous thing. It's songbirds and centipedes. It's blood and sunlight. It's suffering and ecstasy. Life requires both. It's something our little human minds can't quite grasp, but… our hearts do, I think. The heart loves paradoxes. The heart feels how huge everything is embracing our little ephemeral lifetimes here. We are born, we live, we die. And the universe goes on and on. Not ever quite without us, though, and that is what we must remember. Yes, our tangible existence here is delicately temporary. But… at the risk of sounding trite, we are all made of stars. We are all built of crystal and seawater and sunlight. We are all little tiny temporary temples, beloved sparks of something divine that no religion can ever fully or accurately translate. But that still, small voice that beats in our blood doesn't need to translate a thing. It speaks clearly and purely, dreadfully and terribly. It's the definition of divinity. It's the definition of humanity. It's both at once.

We need to cry and laugh, we need to smile and scream, we need to be healed and we need to be wounded. We need to wake and we need to sleep. We need our beasts and our humans, our men and our women, we need all of those who don't fit any of those categories. We need unclarity and specificity. We need mystery and revelation. We need to breathe and we need to be breathless. We need our heartbeats and the spaces between them. We need all of creation, and we need the void embracing it all.
We need the entire taijitu, God forgive us, and isn't that the exact thing we've been missing here.

…today's tarot cards are the 7 of wands, and… the fool. well isn't that relevant.

…i'm also re-reading the entry from when I first met infi and it makes SO MUCH SENSE in hindsight I am in aching tears.
it deserves its own entry. ALL of that deserves its own entry. i cannot wait to type. i have to stop denying myself (ourselves) the opportunity TO do so, out of old family-toxic-residue obligations to "suffer as much as possible."
well, let's redefine suffering then. suffering is something that hurts, that aches, right? something that causes pain.
no one ever said it had to be negative pain.
maybe this all-consuming blissful burning in my heart, this terribly divine fire, is pain enough to qualify.
if a saint is made by suffering, let's throw ourselves headfirst into this blessed ache.
find what you love, and let it destroy you.

isn't that the story of our system.

…another wonder of tonight. me having that undeniable but terrifying self-resonance with an angelic form. and not just any sort of angel-- something seraphic. even typing it makes me shake.
but… it's fitting. in art, seraphs are always portrayed as like 95% wings. then there's that humanlike face at the center, all of its "form" that is visible. and for me, when I'm in that form, I'm just this… splendor of wings. all gold sheen, white beneath, shimmer and light. tons of wings, but elegantly, trailing like a peacock tail.

and… now I have that unusual physical form resonance, which is STILL me, which is unprecedented. a form shift! how much internal heart-stability that suggests. it's wonderful. humbling, but joyful.
I look like… like another divine thing, good god what are you trying to tell me. is this demanding utmost integrity? sacred devotion? unflinching incandescent love? you know that's the true core of me. now I'm being explicitly forced to live that at all times. good. the best thing. the highest good.
i… look like anubis. I have the jackal head. the tail. the black skin, the pure gold arms and eyes, the pure white robes accented with red. upon my heart is a red-orange scarab, a blatant reference to infinitii that I didn't realize until after I noticed it was there. a literal heart scarab, my beloved daemon. no coincidences. it's staggering.
it's such an old resonance. as a child we identified so strongly with anubis. jewel wore that ankh for AGES. she still does.
how in the world we never thought that legitimately applicable to headspace i'll never know. but the times, they are a-changing pretty quickly, while staying ever the same. what elegant irony. what lovely paradox. everything that ever meant anything to us, still does. i cannot wait to explore this. it's like an eternal sunrise in our heart, blazing and brilliant and saturated with joyful hope and unbreakable promise.

it's all so new. it's all so shocking, so different, so... blessedly beautiful. but terrifying because of that very fact.
i don't know yet. but every day, we learn. i will keep you posted.

so.
we're re-reading 2015.
forgetting how much beautiful terror defined our life back then.

remembering what it feels like to feel people. realizing with euphoric shock that this has become so common… realizing with heartache that we're taking it for granted as a result.
we… we all need to be together upstairs more. we all need to fall madly in love with each other. we need to stop being afraid of that sort of sincere pure intimacy, where we are all so devoted to each other that the thought of separation or ignorance or laxity in our roles of love and protection and healing and service is utterly incomprehensible. we need to be so completely, unflinchingly, genuinely united in love that we are truly unstoppable and incorruptible and indomitably undying.
we're halfway there, to say the very least. thank god.
but every day is a remembering, a deepening. every moment is another gently merciful yet hugely powerful opportunity To love each other all the more completely. and so we shall.

I want to "pause" this entry here for the night. it's 4am and with everything we've felt this evening… with all the hope we have for the future, with all the determination we have to build that future right now… we need to just Be together right now. we need to unite in this feeling. we need to remember what it feels like to just BE us. inside. yes, daytime is sacred now too, with us being able to exist there too.
but there's a special sacredness to our internal life, too, one that cannot ever be denied or overlooked or shunned. It is a key part of who we are. it is intrinsic. it is indispensable. and we have been slacking on it lately. no wonder we hurt.
but every contrite sorrow is a gilded door to deeper compassion. and so we open this one together.

-jay 083117

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11:31 pm.

 

BAND PRACTICE!
learning how to play the mallets. chimes, bells, marimba, xylophone, vibraphone.
TALK ABOUT PERSONAL AUDITORY RESONANCE GOOD LORD.
toy soldier came over to me and asked me how i felt, i think? i was so blissed out though. told him how resonant it was.
gosh i love his eyes though. that look he has. the intensity and stillness that defines him. that music even then. it's amazing.

felt bad though because i have NEVER played mallets before, plus i couldnt figure out the tempo correctly, and didn't know the music yet. so i was faltering a lot. ah well, i tried my best, and have no regrets. MALLETS, BRO
but i will admit, at the time i was swamped with regret? is that the word? felt so bad that i had "let everyone down" by not getting it right the first time. absolutely unrealistic perfection expectations. but oliver reassured us, god bless that kid.

afterwards, shaky but determined, we got to play the electric piano in the band room.
brought our sheet music. haven't legit played a piano in over a year, probably a lot longer. no access to one at the old house anymore.
but. we did our best to play through both "andrea" and "my true love."
our voice was tight from the late hour and stress both, and we're new to electric pianos, but still. i poured my heart into it entirely. and that's what counts. no fear, just love.

stopped at jack in the box? i think. got a breakfast croissant. ollie got curly fries, which are an injoke in our system for ancient reasons i cannot recall. also massive sweet tea and cheese potato things. good stuff.

oliver playing incredibly emotionally significant songs on the way home, for both him and (unexpectedly, belovedly) for us.
mainly coldplay. "fly on," "oceans," "magic."
"fly on" is apparently bird's. we've never met her, but oliver and his people love her, although that love was tragic, and we feel that so strongly when they talk about it. god. and it was audible in the song itself. that tiny distant system of four is beloved to us, too, for those reasons. we love everyone, true, but that is a special thing. someone we love, in love with someone else. automatically we cannot help but love them too.
then i heard the first note of "oceans" and i swear my heart tripped over itself. did NOT expect that.

 

that song is one of ours. chaos zero and i. one of the songs that hurts so damn much in its relevancy that it annihilates any walls that may be up around my heart. almost in tears hearing it. chaos was there, with me, inside. just being close. being the truth. god i love him.
and ollie said "magic" reminded him of us, too?? which is the sweetest thing. but hearing it, we have to agree.
laughing about how "i don't want anybody else but you" is such a poly paradox. it's 100% true, but you say it to Everyone you love, haha. i love that.

...i remember telling oliver that i was "afraid of my messy humanity"? how i'm so used to living inside. to living in quiet secret places. in solitude, in interims, in liminal spaces. how i'm used to literally being angelic, borderline divine, in headspace. how i'm used to barely holding a form at all. so flesh and bone is still so awkward and strange.
but i love it. this fragile strange messy thing, this experience of humanity, i still love it even if it scares and confuses me. and i apologized for how we struggle with it. but i reassured him we were learning and loving and trying.
geez we've been having so many feelings about that topic lately. needs to be typed about big time.

got home late, but sat down on the couch with food and watching neil degrasse tyson universe stuff with kyo!
watched like four episodes. HUGELY IMPORTANT.,

no one ever taught us about space and things like this before. kyo said she was so sorry; that was truly a travesty. we agree.

black holes, spectroscopes, hypernovas, the ghosts of stars. women and islamic astronomers. prisms and event horizons and atomic structures. the ocean and the universe above. spacetime and gravity. all of it so, so gorgeous and so, so dearly relevant to us.

talking about humanity again. religion being used as control against us. the divinity of space. the smallness and hugeness of our little lives. significant and insignificant. how recognizing the vast, incomprehensible reality we are a part of makes living this tiny life so much easier.

did she kiss me?? i think so. she has the best kisses. all soft bright blue and sincere and gentle and so delicate but vast in a way. just like space. like the ocean.
we both love those things so dearly, in our own ways, in the same ways. gosh i love when she's around, she's so lovely.

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11:59 pm

 

phone notes

Core color = COSMIC LATTE???

RECLAIMER CLASS!!
Scalpel, thunderstorm person?

BLOOD= ACTUALLY INFRARED??