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went for a run around 1pm? ran down to rite aid and food lion, I think. rite aid we got the lactase pills. told the cashier they were important because "the whole fam is lactose intolerant, so when you run out of these, you gotta run out the door." she burst out laughing in the most adorable way, oh my gosh. it lit up our whole morning.

then ran to food lion. ONLY got what we need!!!
the girl who kept wanting desserts (brown vibe?? one of the jessicas?? NOT the green girl, notably) realized that she DOESN'T ACTUALLY WANT THEM. it was obligatory "you're not allowed to dislike sweets" programming from upmc/mother?
so we asked her but she said NO. incredibly liberating.
still feeling obligated to buy cereal because "it has vitamins" and "you need more carbs" but it feels forced. so we're learning. at least we're aware of the fact that it feels so uncomfortable. now we just have to learn to say no to that, even if we're "scared to."

got home at 2, oliver was in the shower. I have this uneasy feeling that someone hid food in our room then? or something. not sure. but they have GOT TO STOP this hiding thing. we are no longer living with that birth family. it is NOT a crime to eat. you do NOT have to smuggle food into the house, then hide in a closet and eat it at 2am so no one shames you for "being a pig."
regardless, we tried super super hard with the eating thing. a few binge attempts, but most of it was avoided. THANK GOD.
no regrets today, for the most part. sole regret is "I wish I didn't feel so bad about eating" AND "I feel horrible about slighting/ avoiding/ disrespecting oliver because we were so panicstricken about food and it was taking lots of our attention."

lying with oliver on the couch with the fractals.
kyo, kris, and toy soldier, hello absolute existentially validating heaven on earth good lord

oliver mentioning some time that he said to infi "I'm in love with you" and infi just… responded with "you've never said it that way before, ollie!!" and I know exactly what hir expression would have been like. god.
ollie said I should draw it and I agree.

sat down and had a small dinner. couldn't keep all of it down, but it wasn't abusive. just panic. still, we tried very very hard and it was not bad. little steps.

feeling "old loves;" scrolling through tumblr and seeing davy jones and ryo bakura and everyone. feeling GENUINE love spring up from NOT ME. like… the "core" (need a better term?) who loved them initially STILL DOES and that's an INCREDIBLE fact because it means that those precious indispensable people are not dead.
the younger jewel, who is slightly japan-obsessed but not manic, still loves ryo. marik too, of course.
the "green jewel," who was at the job??? loves davy AND jetfire???? that's interesting!!
not sure if she also loves grievous and barry. those guys feel like they're in other time-contexts though.

but it's such a beautiful warm soft powerful feeling. love does not die, ever ever.

"oh lord and you and kris today"
apparently their main people are all falling in love with us.
that… rips at our heart in the best way.
dear lord. we have to live up to that.

the problem?
our socials firmly believe, even now, that they have to be impeccably perfect and faultless to be WORTHY of even accepting such love. in their poor hurt minds, as "filthy" as they allegedly are-- they are not; NONE of us are-- letting "such pure souls" love them would taint them.
and what is the "filthiest" thing they can do?
eat.
isn't that awful.

so. those poor socials keep struggling so damn hard with letting us actually feed this body.
I have to be unflinchingly blunt about that, no matter how ashamed and guilty and embarrassed and disgusted and distraught we are to admit it.
our body is really freaking hungry. that is fact #1. it is an "ugly, blasphemous" fact but it is still a fact.
we KNOW we have a fast metabolism. this was medically proven in pittsburgh. they had us eating ~4000 calories per day, minimum, and we were STILL just barely gaining weight at that level. as soon as we cut back on the caloric intake due to personal budget and food/ transportation availability, we started dropping the pounds.
that is what is terrifying. literally, in order to stay healthy, we have to eat like gluttons. it's horrible. but it's true. we know this.
the meal plan they gave us to follow when we left… honestly, let me tell it to you, because it terrifies us and excites us both-- each motivated by the same feeling: we are awfully hungry.
now, they go by an "exchange system." this means that every "serving size" of a food group is 1 exchange. one piece of fruit, one cup of vegetables, 8oz of dairy, 3oz of meat, 1 tbsp of fat… things like that. of course it varies per food. we practically had to memorize the whole list over those 9 weeks.
they want us eating every 3 hours, something we Cannot do for psychological, time, and financial reasons. and the sheer AMOUNT of food they ultimately want us to eat is also very difficult.
they want us having 13 exchanges per meal, and then 5 at snacks. that's a LOT OF FOOD. we cannot do that feasibly without triggering dissociation or pain or trauma flashbacks. it's too much. it was tough even for iscah, and she knows it, even if she won't outright admit it.
no spoons to continue this topic right now. we'll just do our best, as we need to, and to heck with the meal card. it's a guideline. it's a good guideline, but it's also not an obligatory damned-if-you-don't thing. life's not like that anymore. we won't be punished if we don't adhere to it unerringly. we have to trust our own selves in this. i know we can do it. if there's anywhere we CAN do it, it's here, with people who love and support us.

to go back to that topic.
…oliver is in love with us. we know this. but now he's… he's not the only one.
god. dearly beloved god. I just… that is so huge. I cannot put into words what that makes our heart feel like.

the feeling is mutual. the feeling is overwhelmingly, blessedly mutual.

that kiss in the kitchen today, after oliver hinted at that. that global love.
leon, lynne, javier, nathaniel, julie, waldorf, me, infi. so many of us flowing through in that kiss.

reviewing 2015, talking about toy soldier and phantom of the opera when oliver was at work.
monumental. 


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11:57 pm

"shoutout to everyone making progress that no one recognized because you never let anyone see your darkest moments. i see you and i am so, so proud of every little step you’re making in the right direction."

#oh #system healing #i never thought about it like this #hope #for all our damaged fronters #we love all of you even when you're hurting the most #maybe even especially then