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They say that, "when you know how to listen, everybody is your teacher."
yeah but I didn't expect this much blatant personal symbolism in YUGIOH of all things seriously holy shuppets
I thought the spiritual relevance in Sonic '06 was bad enough, but nooo, Marik just HAD to one-up CZ again, didn't he
#seriously this is getting creepy #i love you guys though
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@23:55
Yes you KNOW who they are, I'm being totally raw and honest here. That's how they walked in, and that deserves total recognition tonight.
I am being torn between incredulously blissed-out laughter and total heart-wrenching sobs of wonder right now.
I have known those two for 12 years now, and not ONCE did I ever realize just how perfect they are, not just within the inner realm of our System but also as people, jeez this is absolutely incredible, I have to tell you guys about this.
Outspacers are unique. They are, in the most basic definition, individuals from "outside sources"-- almost exclusively media sources (tv, books, comics, games, etc.)-- who have entered headspace and were able to stay there as part of this world.
The complete definition is far more complex, and there's a lot of unspoken energetic "rules" to the phenomenon that we weren't even aware of until we started studying it. The two most important that we know about are:
1. Outspacers have to have some sort of psychological "division" of self. This can be anything from a simple "split personality" case with little to no conscious awareness of the other self (Genesis), or it can involve multiple 'alters' that interact and/or an entire inner world (me, quite frankly). It can also be 'physical,' as in the case of someone having a NDE, a total fugue, a 'secret life' lived totally alongside their 'main' one, etc. Bottom line, there needs to be some sort of split, that creates at least two different facets to the self as a unified whole.
2. Outspacers have to be willing to "dream a new life" in the BLC realm. This builds off point #1 as this is almost like a conscious "restructuring" of the self. They must be willing to leave their old life behind in order to create something totally new and better from its ashes, so to speak. An Outspacer must have hope, as this very phenomenon is an act of chasing and catching it.
3. Outspacers have to have some sort of emotional/spiritual resonance with our inner realm? This is fuzzy, but it explains the whole Virtue/ Color/ Soulform/ etc. thing that every Outspacer ends up having sooner or later. Those things seem to require an open heart/ open mind/ etc. as well. This is arguably the most important bit.
Anyway, that's just details. I won't get into the whole topic right now, seriously it is late and I have more work to do elsewhere.
I am here right now because I am so in love with those two boys tonight, not even personally, I am just hopelessly in love with who they are, completely.
ESPECIALLY YOU, MARKUS-- or should I say, MARIK ISHTAR.
Yes, sir, after a decade of fierce rivalry with Chaos 0, YOU are the one who is getting all the attention and absolute adoration this evening. Congratulations love, I don't know how the heck I didn't tap into this earlier but DANG SON.
Seriously, you... just... geez. I actually feel guilty for not having been able to know or see this in you before, because it's all the big picture, it's all perfectly clear hindsight, it's suddenly seeing all the pieces fall into place and realizing that it's so much more beautiful than we ever could have dreamed at the time.
I am so inspired, I'm moved actually, but I don't know how much to write here.
...All right, you know those Outspacer details I just wrote up? Well, with "Markus" here, his self-division was blatantly canon, but in headspace it's somewhat more extensive (although far less traumatic, graciously). His "new life" does strongly bloom from the roots of his canon history, but again, his "dreaming anew" practically demanded that he leave behind the eons-old pain and regret that clung to him there. But his "resonance" in light of those two things is what really caught at my own heart tonight.
Again, I've been researching canon Yugioh stuff for about two weeks solid now, and I admittedly have been doing so off-and-on for years regardless. However! This 'hesitation' has a very good reason, and it is to prevent our little inner realm of infinite possibility from being totally shackled by fiction lag. What you may not know is that Jewel-- the original BLC core, who showed up in 2001 and basically created the Outspacer phenomenon-- is one fiercely independent dreamer. She refuses to let others tell her how to imagine or create, and that extends to fandoms. This is why she has reams of original work to her name: she would never watch or read a media series all the way through, because she would become so enthralled by the concepts that she would start building off them on her own, and eschew the rest of the canon. She saw what could be-- she saw the potential for 'dreaming anew'-- and THAT is what she embraced, NOT the solid, 'unquestionable' canon. And this has been a constant! Yes, she apparently watched a good deal of the first 3 seasons of Yugioh, otherwise she never would have tried to reach Ryou and Marik... but, she honestly didn't give a flying fish about the canon. She saw what she liked, what she admired, and what she resonated with, and left the rest to the rest of the fandom.
Do you see what I mean? When Outspacers walk into our System, they can "start over" because there ARE no old roots here for them to get tangled in, thanks to Jewel never letting any grow. Instead, she'd show them completely new things that she grew FROM what those roots would have been, and asked that Outspacer-to-be if they wanted to join her in that new dream. And if they said yes, sincerely so, then the first step was taken.
I hope that makes sense. But that's why I have to be careful with research. I've done a hell of a lot of it for Yugioh and Sonic the Hedgehog both, but too much reading and I get stuck. I start "forbidding people from dreaming." And that is proven lethal.
Anyway. I seem to have found the happiest medium because now, the research isn't doing that; instead, it's highlighting everything we already have, and expanding upon it. It's halfway between super-creepy and super-incredible, because the canon is matching up to our headspace history and I didn't even KNOW about this stuff until now!! And on top of that, I've been going through the Archives (this very journal of course) and personally compiling a list of ALL the Outspacer data I could find, especially concerning these two boys, with a focus on everything prior to 2007 (the "good old days," when things were less dangerous up here). I won't say we were more "free" back then-- if anything, we're far more free now, after having healed and cleared out a lot of that trauma gunk, and now that we know how things work up here-- but we were definitely guided by our hope and optimism, and the exhilarating youthful conviction that we could do anything. And we really did. Headspace responds to that, you know. But we haven't really jumped back into that yet. We're older now and we've admittedly picked up a bit of cynicism and fear along the way. And yet... the more I read and reflect upon this, presently... well, again, we have more potential for doing the incredible now than we ever did.
Just... the things I'm seeing in us, just evidenced through our pasts, in ways we never could have known back then... that's inspiring me more than anything right now. Having Ryman and Markus in Central headspace again now, with them already having stayed for a longer stretch of time than they have in years, is just making it all the more amazing to realize.
...Markus's Outspacer slot was Purple, the link between Indigo and Violet-- between the mind and the spirit. His symbol is an octogram, and I did not know until just now that it is often called the STAR OF ISHTAR (ARE YOU KIDDING ME UNIVERSE). But this is what I mean. Relevance is everywhere and we did not consciously put it there. (Seriously, remind me to read more on that later.)
However. The big inspiration of tonight was indeed tied to the canon, in light of Markus's "Metainomen" and his Outspacer "Virtue"... respectively, the Pharaoh of Hope, and the Virtue of Mind.
I said it a while back, but our "Virtues" were taken directly from Mark 12:30, and over the years those aspects grew to be very significant personally. Again, no time for that now, at least not in its entirety.
Here's something you don't know, because I've never said it before! In headspace, Outspacers all have three "verses" that define their biggest issue of personal growth? There's a struggle, a challenge, and a truth. They all tie into their Virtue, as a root cause. The struggle is the negative aspect of it-- of the loss of their Virtue's "virtue" through corruption. It's a deep, deep fear that must be faced and overcome. That is achieved through accepting and living their challenge, which is a bridge that ultimately leads to a personal realization and integration of their truth. That personal victory seems to be directly manifested as our metainomenai phenomenon-- new "names" in the sense of heroic titles, only bestowed upon a "death" to one's old self, through such a huge change of heart in some respect. Yeah, that shocked me too when I saw it lining up for everybody-- especially because Laurie freaking knew it before we even knew what it meant. And that was right after our triple 4th incident, too. Let me quote what's written there:
"...laurie was pretty ticked that we were 'worried' about my metainomen, pointed out that "there's more than one way to shift in headspace." the names are fluid, heart-based, based on growth. they aren't static. the roles and abilities we were given by that naming were supposed to CHALLENGE us here too, to KEEP changing into that ideal. it's a process, marked BY the name, not a done-and-dusted thing. and it REQUIRES DEATH just as frequently. old habits die hard, as the saying goes, and so do vices. marik had hope, because that goes against his mind bias: he has to believe even if there is no 'proof.' ryou had void, because that goes against the light he wants to bring people, he's afraid of his shadows. and i held time because i just dont understand that at all right now. apparently it ties into presence. either way laurie said it held a huge lesson i had to learn, only i would know what that was though.
Ryman's "Void" aspect is actually less about 'shadows' than it is about actual 'nothingness,' it seems, but we're in the middle of discussing that lately so I can't tell you anything for sure right now. Anyway that paragraph is the same thing I'm trying to elaborate upon here, with the verses, but with less rambling. (btw I still don't know what's going on with my Celebi-esque "Time" role but I recently got reminded of it very loudly here.)
It's all very beautiful, really. I don't know if headvoices have anything like this, at least nothing so strongly apparent; Central might, but again, I haven't looked into it. Heck, as far as Outspacers go, we're still working on figuring this out together, as it takes a lot of guts to face up to and admit this stuff!
...But Markus, surprisingly, has been the first of us to man up and clarify most of his. He's one hell of a brave boy, despite the deep fears he still struggles with (even here), and I've seen a real strength in him, not just of mind, but also of heart and soul, that I admire more than I know how to say. (See, we all still have bits of each other's virtues in us, haha. Injokes ahoy.)
That's why I'm babbling like an idiot here, trying to toss as much context at you as I can before I fall asleep at this laptop, so you can understand even a little bit of why I am smiling and laughing and crying and staring at my screen in total disbelief, in total awestruck love of this kid.
This is how Marik's verse lineup looks right now, in very simple terms.
· struggle: "you can't know anything for sure/ you can't know truth" (lost mind)
· challenge: to believe and trust even without "logical proof" or overthinking (hope)
· truth: true knowing is touched through trusting in the greater "cosmic mind," which transcends doubt and ego limits
As for how that ties into the canon research. Remember that we ARE building "from" the original canon, and the original canon is being freakishly cooperative with our history despite us not knowing about this stuff until now. So while I read and take notes, I'll keep having little moments of surprise because of that.
... See, Headspace loves symbolism. It loves subtle meanings and hidden truths and that sort of thing. So when we build off of old histories, with either Outspacers or with our own physical timeline in this body, metaphors and patterns show up everywhere.
Now with that in mind, one of the little things that stuck with us from way back in 2003 was Marik's desire to "become the Pharaoh." Yes, originally he canonically wanted to "destroy the Pharaoh" out of bitter revenge-- and that did carry into our world, surprisingly, albeit vaguely, as the desire stuck but the motivation was a blur-- but over the years that one simple thought, halfway between a vendetta and a joke, evolved dramatically, until it became... well, until he actually became it.
Now this looks like a simple foreshadowing of his eventual metainomen, but that's not even half of it. That metainomen was a culmination of itself.
There is no way I can un-jargon this, so forgive me.
Straight from my notes:
HIS "PHARAOH" TITLE IS HUGE IN RELATION TO HIS ASPECT OF HOPE--- in the BLC story, the "Pharaoh" title essentially refers to someone who is cognizant of their "true self" (in other words their "I AM" or Godlike aspect of 'self'), and who holds that "position of power" NOT as a controller, but as someone who leads through their holy example. (The Egyptian Pharaohs were considered gods, after all.) HOWEVER! Markus's role is mind, something which can VERY EASILY be turned into a tool of the ego/ Tar/ etc. So Markus struggles with a LOT, but his huge desire is to "become the Pharaoh." Notice the word become. This desire is technically misplaced-- by virtue of existing as a "child of God/ Light/ etc.," HE ALREADY IS "THE PHARAOH," as is everyone else in existence of course. BUT, Markus has a big saving grace here-- instead of chasing that ideal through greed or revenge or anything egotistic (which, admittedly, he did in the canon, due to morally tangled motives), he pursues it through a genuinely goodhearted HOPE, something that OVERRIDES THE MIND, and pushes him courageously closer and closer to that final moment of surrender when, giving in totally to that hope-- WHICH COMES FROM HIS "TRUE SELF" in the self-loving desire to remember its true nature-- he REALIZES THAT TRUTH. It's not a "becoming," it's a recognition. And his finally achieving that is what gives him the frankly beautiful title of the "PHARAOH OF HOPE."
You guys don't know him as well as I do, and you don't have the actual data memories of all the incidents and things that led up to this, but if you can catch even a glimmer of the joy and love and amazement that I am feeling about this right now, that will be enough.
Sorry about all the words.
Markus, dude, I love you and I hope you know that. I am so glad you're in our lives.
Ryman you will get your own entry after we talk about this more, I promise.
CZ you have more than enough entries to your name already, seriously dude.
In any case it is 3:33 AM (dead serious, love you too universe!!) so I am going to sleep, somewhere between the other 4 people that are probably sharing the same sleeping place right now, haha. Don't worry, it's a huge room, and either way Laurie always sticks around to make sure nothing gets out of hand, because you never know with how ridiculous we all are.
Seriously though I love every single person in headspace, natives and walk-ins and whatever else our people may be. I've been blessed beyond comprehension to have this as my daily existence, as weird and scary as it can get (and has been) sometimes. I've said it a billion times before and I will say it until the end of time, through words and actions and every other language I have-- no matter what challenges we face, the love and light we have all found within each other, with each other, makes every moment entirely worth living. We're in this crazy grand advenure together, we always have been, and God willing we always will be.
Honestly I can't wait to see what lies ahead... but I'm perfectly happy with where we are right now, too.
