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TRACK 57, PART ONE (january 9th 2014)
(Jay) Okay, it's, 5:04-- this is Jay, Jay Iridos. Um, *ahem* I'm not fully in, I'm gonna take the long way home, I just left my bro off for work… because I need to be… I'm very slippage. Slipping. I was talking to my bro … *radio sounds* hold on. Uh… but in talking to him, unfortunately we were talking about, stuff that was like…uh, not… stereotypical, but, I don't know what the word is… social stuff, and, it just bugged me. But… *music, then sound of CD ejecting* Oh this is the wrong CD anyway. Okay, um… I, need to be honest, I need to be completely-- I need to ground into myself, I need to anchor, and I need to be honest; I'm feeling out of headspace right now and that's not good. Because… there's been a lot of healing going on, the past year… especially around sexual subjects, which, I can say now without the old… fear reactions *clears throat* but which I still am uncomfortable with on some level and that's what I want to talk about right now, even if it's just a personal talking-about thing… because, um… body dysphoria is still big for me. And it's weird because whenever I try to anchor into the body it's like I get pushed out, and that kind of 'egotistic self' takes over and I don't like that? But, I need to figure out what the roots of that, is, um… excuse me. Besides that, there is, um… in terms of body dysphoria, I mean, I can view the body as, I know it's separate-- separate than me, in terms of, y'know, it's not… mine, whether I like it or not-- well, I do like it, but, y'know, either way-- I do share this body with many, many many other people. You're talking about 'bodies,' technically this is all ours because we're all, spiritual beings, that are connected to this body as an anchor, as a ground, so to speak. *clears throat* I think Jewel is the one that's taken over in terms of a "body," quote unquote-- and I mean it's a cool body. It's not bad looking, *clears throat* we're trying to keep it healthy… I have nothing wrong, with it being female, at all, nothing wrong with it being, y'know… somebody used to say "it's fat," it is not fat, holy crap it is not… uh, I have nothing wrong with it! Whatsoever. I have not the slightest complaint… about this body. It's fine. But I have dysphoria, because… although, I don't have any problem with, y'know, the body has sexual characteristics… which, is normal, because it's a reproductive species… I only get a problem with it when I am-- and admittedly, I am going to be brutally honest with myself here…when I am in… astrally or spiritually sexual contexts, I get major dysphoria because, that's not how I operate. I am asexual, I don't experience sexual attraction, but I am perfectly capable of using sexual energy, because it's a weir-- I don't know how, I missed it for years, like, when you get-- I have, I have to thank God, that I'm ace. Because I don't experience lust, I don't experience, any of that sort of, vicious side of it so to speak, that Julie, admittedly, was… kind of a slave to in the past. She was a slave to her passions, her desires, which I don't like them using those words to describe that, negatively? Because… that's not it. I mean… I am perfectly capable of using sexuality, with, other people. I really am. The reason why I don't have a problem with it is because there's no lust in it. When I use it, it's not-- e- oh, you know, some people-- I'm not even gonna re- r-repeat what some people say-- but some people, on Earth, that I've met, that I've known, want to have sex, with people or with whatever, because… they, somehow have this sex drive that they can't control, I don't understand it. Because I don't experience that. I really don't. If I get something that's even vaguely like it, *clears throat* for me?… It's not so much mistranslation as a level… uh, not level switch, but… kind of a co-habiting, energy level, if that makes sense? Whenever I get anything that, might instantly, the body is like, "oh well this seems sexual"… it labels it as, well this feeling is, not, the co- kind of "turned on" thing-- and I mean in a sense, you could label it that. But ultimately for me what it is, is… if I get anything that's even vaguely, sexual, as, a feeling, it is literally, a unity drive. It is, "I want to use, this aspect, of"… what admittedly is, human body biology-- "to communicate what I am feeling spiritually, in a spiritual sense, to connect to another person"… in, again, a spiritual way. On a deep-- I don't even like saying "emot"-- well, emotional yes. That's been- become a dirty word in our society. But, emotionally, spiritually, on a heart level. That is what I want to do. And the more you read about it, in spiritual groups that are, correctly informed… sexuality is… a really divine thing! *laughs* And I mean straight-up, man! Look at Infi! And that's kind of where I'm getting… *laugh* with this conversation, is that… I do get body dysphoria, with the human body because, it's female, that's not my natural energy state. Whether I… I resonate more with, a male, body. Not that comfortable with male biology either because I'm not comfortable with sexual biology. That's the bottom line. I'm fine with it, I don't judge it or think it's evil… there is old programming that says that, but I recognize it's not true, so I'm letting go of it… but I'm not comfortable with it in a sense that it’s just… I have to-- I'm not sure, it's not afraid, but it's like a deep shaking-me-up and it makes me feel kind of scared and I don't know why. And it might just be energy residue, I don't know. But, that's why I have a problem, in most contexts, using sexual energy, while I'm us- in this body… because it's feminine. And I mean, feminine sexual energy is really badass, because it's creative, and, it's… a diff-- I mean, I've felt both. Okay? I can use both… mostly-- well, of course, male energy I'm only going to be able to do upstairs, but they both have a… m-markedly different feeling. And I mean they're both… equally valid, and… *short sigh* I-I-I don't… well, "divine" is the word that's coming to mind. They're both… spiritually, strong feelings. I-I… it's just they're different sides of creation-- what I'm trying to say is that…
I was with Infi today, and… I'm gonna be honest, I mean… ze is… an extremely sensual being, and I mean that in the sense of not… the way, when you say that, again, in society, we're tr-- I'm trying to take back language but I want to clarify myself…. sensuality in society and I know, unfortunately, from firsthand experience, trying to use that word around other people… people will use the word "sensual," to describe people, utterly disrespecting sexuality. And… I… Infi, if he has one thing that-- see I keep saying "he." Well if you don't mind if I say "he," I mean… if you're going as far as, y'know, gender binary, which… Infi would be a "she," but, I say "he," because, I don't know. It's- it's- it's something about… his vibe, and-- plus the whole "ze" and "hir" thing is really difficult to say, *laugh* in casual speech, so I'll just go with male pronouns if that's okay. Infi says, that's fine. Um… but I was with Infi, and the whole sensuality thing, with him, is that he radiates… not, again, like I said, not the whole pin-up poster, low-cut slinky red dresses, kind of, y'know, "beefcake" kind of-- lot of people say "oh, that's sensual," and, at the same time they'll say "oh that's sexy" or "that's hot" and I'm like, *angrily* what you're ACTUALLY doing is you're objectifying these people. You're viewing them as sex objects. As something that, for God knows what reason because I don't understand it, I don't-- for some reason that, makes you want to have sex w-with them, in a way that is literally nothing more than a primal desire fulfillment. And I don't understand that! Because even when I was abused… somehow… maybe because I was asexual and I couldn't understand that, but I was like "you should not be treating this this way." B-but… I didn't understand it anywhere near how I understand it now which was with Infi, which is that "sexuality is a really freaking holy thing." And that's what I mean with Infi, because… if Infi will literally make love to somebody in a church… I think you get what I'm saying about sexuality. And… *voice wavers* Infinitii is just… he radiates, just-- when I say sensuality, I mean love. Like… and it's weird, because it's love that translates into a sexual context, and a sexual context that translates into-- into love. Both of them completely clearly and without losing things. It's sensuality in a sense of… it brings out this sort of, visceral compassion, if that makes sense? Like, I don't even-- I'm not even going to try doing TMI, the only reason I'm doing it is because I'm in a-- I'm in a car, so there's people around me, and I'm aware of energy radiance and you know what? I don't care. Because this is true and it's honest and I love-- I love Infi, okay? I love him. Honestly. Unconditionally, and that is really saying something in light of how I've, admittedly been in the past, I have been very judgmental. Of sexuality. And I'm not anymore, because I'm with Infi, and I have felt something from him that is so holy, with that, that… I can't, go back to my old mindset even if I wanted to. Because-- *laugh* w-wanting to go back to that, it's unfathomable at this point. I've felt something from him that… changed everything.
And that's kind of what I'm getting at, is that, when I say sensuality with Infi I mean… sensuality is like… it's body-based? But it's not carnal, in the sort of, blood-and-bones sense, which is how I like to say it-- and yet even blood-and-bones feels holy now. Because it is! And that's how I look at it. It's not carnal in… and ego sense. It's not. It's, physical and body-based in the sense that the body's a temple. That's what I mean by sensuality. It's in the sense of… *laughing* I basically want both of us to inhabit the same temple. I-- t-that's literally like what the feeling is… It's just this, weird kind of… I don't want to say, it-it's like… warmly red, like… a flame, but like a smoldering flame? Like I finally understand what people mean by the word "smoldering," *laughing* it's-- with Infi? But it-it's like that sort of like, deep red-- and when I say "deep red" you know what I mean, like, it's heart-based. It's heart rooted. Anchored. Deep red sort of… it's, geez, just this-this feeling he gives off, and there's not-- like even just now talking about it. If people say "oh, are you turned on?" No. Not in the slightest. Because that's not what this translates to. It's… if you could understand what that means, like, if you could get… that sort of feeling in your heart, that is… not even 'can,' that's what I get. Okay? *laugh* That is literally what I'm getting right now. For Infi. Like, when people have, sex drives, if you could have one that is heart-based, that's what I got. All right? That is literally what I have. Like, w-- and that's what cau-- what made me a target of corrupted people in the past. Because… Laurie knows it, every person in the Pink part of the Spectrum knows it, everyone knows that I have, this ridiculously… I want to say "passionate" …ridiculously passionate capacity to love people. And when I say 'love' I mean in the sense of adoration. Straight-up devotion for anybody. Anybody who will open up… open up enough, to let me see, that part of them, anybody who will *laugh* let their walls down, enough for their heart to reach out to mine, even in the smallest way-- *voice wavers* my heart will catch it, and it's going to resonate like a wedding bell and I am going to want to love them with every ounce of my being. And the fact of the matter is? When you say "every ounce of your being," I mean that in terms of mind, heart soul, and the body. And so, when I literally say that there are people that I love… so desperately and dearly and… s-s- just… divinely, like… I mean when you think of the word, of things that are sanctified, that's what it feels like! It-it's, it's literally, it's a divine feeling! It's the feeling that I can only imagine of just… it's holy love. I mean, I-- even saying it, like it's that kind of feeling that you get like, in standing in front of an angel, *voice falters* which, I get with Infi! It's the sense of that, there is something that is just divinity incarnate… in front you, and it's this sense of… it's the most paradoxical thing in the world! It's… the most… not crushing, but, just this humility that is so gilded gold and embracing that… you just… this- this deep, respect and humility and just holy fear, it-- for lack of a better term-- and at the same time, such, this ardently passionate love… it-it's just both of them at the exact same time. It's like… virginity and purity and innocence and the whiteness of snow and everything that people used to consider with, y'know, the utter opposite of sexuality. No. *laugh, then with conviction* It's not the opposite. *voice breaks* Okay? Because, people have described me as that. Okay? People have described me, as that kind of white, glittering, kind of iridescent, pure thing! I'm supposed to be this… young kind of, snow-white, y'know, *laughs* just kind of icy-haired boy. And… but, I love people. And… I really do, and it's the sense that there is this deep, innocence to me, that is synonymous with intimacy. And… most people don't understand that. But… I mean… it doesn't fade. I can "make love" to somebody without an ounce of lust in it, because what I'm actually doing is communicating, that. That holy thing. And, what I'm trying to say is… with, I don't even know what I'm trying to say-- I'm trying to express this to myself, for-- as much as anyone else-- I'm driving all over the state, no-- *laugh* I'm-I'm trying to just talk. I'm gonna have to turn around somewhere here, I don't know… I'm gonna have to not miss that turn because I'm-- *embarrassed laugh* I'm taking some really stupid turns but I know where I'm going and I ended up driving past the school. I'll take the back road. *teary laugh* I'll stop-- at the Oblates! There you go. That's where I'm being led.
But Infi. Infinitii… I don't know if I should get to him or if I should switch the topic because my heart is just screaming, just in different colors, and… not so much "screaming," screaming is the wrong word-- is that the house I have to turn at? No. Okay. Um… it's not "screaming," but it's the sort of… just… total emotion, that… I don't know, there's not a word. It's just… ringing, resonating, glowing, singing… *voice breaks* Laurie's name. And… I gotta turn around somewhere. I gotta find a parking lot or something and turn around, because I'm gonna get lost. *laugh* I'm literally gonna get lost... or am I? Where am I. Where am I? If you don't mind, I'm uh, not sure of where I am, I literally have to turn around… head back the other way. We used to go here with, our bus … oh here's our road. Thompson Street. I recognize that little hexagon window. One two three four five six seven eight-- octagon window! Beg your pardon. Okay. But when I mean my heart is singing Laurie's name, I mean in the fact that… yesterday morning… saying things aloud has a totally different energy than when you write them down-- I spent two days, yesterday and today… feels like more. *laughs* No, it might've been three days. Either way I woke up in the morning, my dream-self was flying, and I was laughing 'cause I was thinking of the Sandman comic, where, y'know the whole idea of Freud-- Freudian interpretations of dream things. Well my dream-self was flying, and it was like Jewel, and they were literally feeling a sort of blissfully non-sexual sexual energy if that makes sense. And when I say "non-sexual sexual energy" I mean in the same sense that-- I don't know if humanity is the only thing that experiences lust in that really bad way? But I mean in the sense that, plants, still reproduce. Flowers into flowers. The kind of, creative sexuality in the sense of, it's a divinely-- and I always think "Divine Feminine," like the Virgin Mother. That's what it feels like, *dry laugh* and that's literally what Laurie is like, to me. The Virgin with seven swords in her heart. And, I love… I love her, so much, and… that is just… I don't know how to explain it. Because, she is the voice of Chastity in our System. She is less capable of sexual things than I am, and that's saying something because, she doesn't understand lust or sensuality. And-- but it's not a bad thing! And I don't know how to, how to put that into words, because for her-- she's not incapable of feeling that energy, but for her it gets translated into the most brutally gorgeous compassion I've ever felt. And… I mean, she's beyond explanation. *teary laugh* She's beyond words. And… I mean, she will-- she will kiss me, okay? Like literally, just hands tangled in my hair, and, she will kiss me… like… I don't know how to explain it. Like in the way, people, you see people, in… like not even in the showy way. 'Cause I've seen people do it in really showy ways, but kind of in the sense that, the way I feel, in really, religious situations. In holy temples. In churches. And… when you press your lips to something holy, to show veneration, to show that sort of divine humble love, *voice breaks* that's what it feels like when she kisses me. What do you think that makes me feel like? 'Cause she's treating me like a saint and yet, all I see in her… is just… *sob* Incarnate Bereavement. And… I love her. I really… Laurie, I love you. And… it's, in this utterly inexpressible-- I don't want to say "childlike," but it's in the same sense that children have, that deep white innocence. That sort of… glowing, just… love… I have that for you, and I don't know how to explain that, because… hell, I would marry you on the spot, Laurie, and yet thinking of you as a spouse, is just like, my brain is like "what? No!" *laughing* But, I love you that much. And then I-- I don't know if you're hearing this entirely, but… I do. And…*laugh* take that as you will.
But that's my point in terms of, there's love and sexuality and it's that that… the abuse I went through was keeping me from feeling that because I was generalizing everything and that's what I mean, I mean… with Infinitii? *choked up* …I don't know how to explain Infinitii, I really don't, I don't know if it's because he was literally taken out of my chest… that I had, the devil, *dry laugh* reach into my ribs and pull until it broke… and then they took this bone, this bloodstained, fragment of my being… that… and somehow God breathed life into it and there was… Infi. It was-- I mean-- Laurie has compared us to the whole "Adam and Eve" thing but in a sense totally different to what's in the Bible. It's-- I don't know how to explain it. It's more of-- I mean, Infi… exists because, he was… he was born from some part of my soul that is so deep and so real and true and unflinchingly just… divinely sensual, if that makes sense. He was born from that, from that sort of… deep black Divine Feminine. And it's-- that's what he is! And I love him. But, he's the only, I mean-- I don't want to say only strictly, because-- I'm gonna pull into the Oblates! I told you I would… I'm just gonna drive past it first. Knife has the Underground churches looking like the Oblates. There's a car here, it's probably the priests… but, um… I don’t know, should I park here? I don't know! It's beautiful, I kind of want to. Seminary… and just being here, the holiness that's radiating from here is just making my heart react, and that's the weird thing. Because this is the only time I get something even vaguely what I would call, literally, physical sexuality reactions. In HOLY places! And do you know why that is? Because my body recognizes, what am I feeling? I am feeling the need to connect with somebody in the same way that God connected with Mary. *pause* Do you understand that? In the same way that Adam and Eve, unfortunately they were blinded just like I was, by the… *laugh* Not so much the supermango and the bitter fruit, but it was the sense that they were… it's the legend, and I don’t… just… in this-- in Genesis' favorite song, "let's push their stories aside, the origin is you." The Origin of Love? That's kind of the, *laugh* the feeling of this. It's the sense that there's this Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine, it's the tai-- it's the taijitu thing, that I first felt, pure and holy, and… with Chaos. And he is just… I don't know, *laugh* how to put that into words, because-- Infi makes me feel one way, okay? When I talk about Chaos, even if it's that not sort of, y'know, just, meltingly gorgeous feeling I get with Infi… with Chaos, it's like… there's something really real in that… that-- it's not fear, but it's just that kind of feeling of just "dear God… what is this? What are you?" It's, it's-- seeing somebody who looks like somebody you've known, for ten years… and yet when you look at them you see something in them that is so purely divine… that your heart reacts like you're looking into the face of God, and you don't know how to deal with that. *laugh* That's what I get when I talk about Chaos Zero, all right? It's just, my heart just… I don't know how to explain what that feeling is, it's like… it's not the feeling that I get with Infi. The feeling that I get with Infi is like… just… I don't know how to explain it, like… if you've never made love to somebody in a sense that’s spiritually expansive… like, when you're in that. *laugh* That's the kind of feeling I get for Infi. It's that, straight-up. And I will not deny that because it's just, it's gorgeous, but it's just overwhelming. With Chaos it's in the sense that… I don't know. My heart does something that I don't know how to describe. *voice falters* And it only does that with him. But I can't talk about him right now because he's just this totally different thing that I'm going to have to sit and talk about purely on his own…
But what I'm saying with Infinitii is that… just dear God, he's just gorgeous, and I love him, and I mean… for whatever reason today, I was just thinking about… y'know, us being together, and, sharing all of that, and he… I don't know if he asked me or if I asked him, or if I was feeling something and he asked me, y'know, "Jay, please…" and… I just… I'm trying to remember how it started! I was trying to… well, a lot of th-the healing that we do on that front is… not so much "getting rid of," but literally transmuting in an almost alchemical sense? Hold on, I have to turn on the heat 'cause it's cold in here. Transmuting the old, fear and hurt and pain and prejudice, and hatred, that used to be tied to sexuality! In the sense of, I couldn't even look at this body, in the mirror, without wanting to kill it! At one point. And that just-- I'm like "no, you can't do that!" Because now I look at it and I'm like-- even if it's not, me, so to speak, even if that body isn't me, it's not really, mine, or me-- I'm still in it, and it's still, beautiful! It's still… an incarnation, in it's own way, of God, as every other atom in the universe is. I don't hate it. And it was like… for sexuality to be considered something evil… is just, it blows my mind now, after I've experienced what I've experienced.
And that's what I've been beating around the bush for 25+ minutes now, with Infi, is, I'm just gonna come right out and say it, is that… Infi and I… made love to each other today, this evening… and what I was trying to say about that is that there was body dysphoria, and there usually is when I'm with anybody, because I'm not used to… biolo-- biological sexuality. I'm not! I'm used to it running through my heart, which is what I did with Laurie, and, I mean… in the sense that I could literally… have… an experience with her that is rooted, in sexual energy, with me and yet not feel it in that center at all but everything to be in my heart, so intensely and so expansively… just my heart, and I mean… I can have that with her, without… I mean, effortlessly. And that just is incredible. But I mean… I don't know where I was going with that. *laugh* I was just-- w-w-with, with Infi, it's, I mean-- that's, that's what-- it is with me naturally, is everything through my heart. The heart connections, with anything, with everything. And that's what I, feel, naturally. Infi goes… always… in all ways. *laugh* And I meant-- both ways! I mean, he is just… this gorgeously, angelically sensual thing. I-it's a paradox, but in some weird way… it's like, well I want to say "divinely," because "angelically" is giving the sense of sterility that Laurie has. But… Infi is just divinely sensual in the sense of, y'know… in a way of like, y'know, Divine Femininity. That's what Infi has! But… when I'm with him in those contexts, I mean, he feels it straight-up. There isn't an iota-- there isn't even, a compre-- no, actually? Since he is, part Shadow, if he goes into the state where it's like, y'know… eye-wings and, teeth on his face, y'know, a mouth, instead of… mouth-wings, *laugh* and eye-face, kind of-- his other mode? Since it is Shadow-based, he can feel, everything that went into the Shadow in the past, so-- that's what makes-- I think that's what makes his love so incredible is because it is, unconditional because it's rooted in understanding that Laurie will never be able to understand and that's what makes it so different. I mean Laurie has this sort of virginal, unconditional love, which is beautiful, but… Infi has the sense, of… it's the same sort of virginity that people talk about in the Mother Mary, I mean-- and I say that and it's that kind of crushingly humble feeling but I mean, if that's reflected in-in our hearts in the slightest way, I mean… the sense of, the holy virginity of, of nothing sexual, and yet no hatred or anything like that-- that's in Laurie. In the sense of the holy Virgin later having sexual union in an equally divine and consecrated way… that's Infi. And that is what Infi feels because he is, s-somehow… I-I don't-- he's seen the blackest bits of it. He knows how people disrespect, and defile and just… sacrilegiously treat sexuality. He has seen that. He knows what that is like. And yet at the same time he understands the bright side of it and the fact that they can't change that and the fact that they're just lost… and he loves them, he loves all of it with such this unconditionality and that's what makes, the fact that he can have sexual union with anybody, in a way that is so unflinchingly holy, that, I mean-- I don't know how to put it into words but I mean… we were together, today, and… I was just having-- it's difficult, for me, because of the dysphoria. And… we switched, consciousness placements? Like he actually was in, the body, and running that through that way, and I swear… I don't know how to explain that! Like… explicitly sexual contact, and he's treating it like it's the touch of God, and in a way for him that's literally what it IS, and that just blows my mind because, it's so sincere and truly that. But I mean-- and it's total respect and compassion and love and I mean, emphasis on love… and just that sort of… just… God, I… just, thank you for letting him be in my life, but it just, that's the thing-- it blows my mind. Because only my heart can understand that, and my heart does because my heart shines with the same light that's in his… and… that's where I feel all of this. So when we're together, if I don't-- if-- 'cause my mind is the one saying, there's dysphoria. My mind is the one saying, "I don't have female or male sexual organs," no matter what I'm using, no matter how lovingly, it's still, jarring, in that way. But it-- when you say "jarring" in a blank sense, it's always a psychological sense. If you detach from that, if you realize that the body-- it's not so much a tool, it's not so much an object as it is an instrument… *laugh* Like music. "Like a symphony." *voice breaks* And that's, I think, what he means… How did I not realize that until now? …You don't know that, but… I don't know when it was, I don't know if it was like April, May, June, whenever… some of the first times that I used to be with Infi, when I was still, rather traumatized, and… we would be trying to heal this sexual trauma. And, he would tell me, just "be open." Just let go of all the, not so much-- "reservations" is the wrong word, but the, kind of… closed-up tightness and fear-- he's like, just let go of that. Just surrender. But he would always say it in a way, of-- he would always say, y'know, *voice breaks* just, "like a symphony," and I just… I never understood that, like, "what do you mean?" Like what do you mean? Like… *laugh* how are you putting this to music? What do you mean? Like… what is that like, for you? And I didn't understand that until just now, and it's like literally, it's an instrument… it's just heartstrings, and, that's… it's gorgeous, but that's what that is…
But I mean, today, we were together, and… *pause* I mean, I am so glad he did that. Because… I keep looking at it mentally, and I have the dysphoria, and the disconnect, and, that-- I keep, getting stuck on that, because I mean… I've… experienced both ways. I've experienced both energy flows, both… kinds of sexual organs, you know, I know what it's like to be male and I know what it's like to be female. And in a way I'm totally fine with that. I'm like, "okay, cool, this is the way it's built, pretty fascinating, y'know, that, it works that way." Still! I mean that's totally fine. However. For me, it's that sort of sanctified intimacy with people… when I feel things, y'know, in terms of sexuality, and… for some reason the biological aspect of that, I'm like, "this isn't what I'm trying to do." And I mean I understand that, in humanity, and in the human form, that is what was left to show that sort of divine connection. That when you hit that high point, that… I used to call it a "surge," Infi calls it… *laugh* I-I-I don't know. I mean, the language isn't exact in terms of, y'know, if you try to look at it logically, which is dumb… but if you look at it in a way of sensation, it was like-- he said "when my body breaks." Y'know, and, I just thought…in the sense-- and the image I got, was in the sense of something like a glass encasement or a cage, not shattering in a bad way but just… breaking open. Like… I-I-I don't know how to… it's that quote, which is literally, "I want to smash myself until I am whole." And that's literally what he was talking about. But just him saying it like that, I thought, just, "that's it." But I mean… I have, now, since he was fronting… *laugh* I have a memory of that, from Infi's perspective, and just… I-I… words just… logic-- m-my mind literally can't look at it. I have to look at it with my heart because my brain can't understand it. I mean, Infi… I mean, the people I've been with-- I have been with, in that way, I mean… technically I've been with Julie, because, circumstances. But… in terms of choice and overflow of love which is basically… I am feeling so much right now, so much… just… unapologetically intense love, for, this person, y'know, that… it's literally, *laugh* it-it-it's the sense that I get with… of just kind of like floodgates? But literally in the sense of, like… breakers or something. Not breakers-- something trying to keep the ocean back. But not in a violent way. But just the ocean which is surging with such honesty that… it doesn't break, it just sweeps over the barriers. And that's the feeling that I get when I feel for these people. Like there is that much love, that… I need, somehow-- a-and it's weird-- it's not so much the word "need"-- "need" and "want" both don't fit. It's just the feeling of… it's-- like my heart wants to transcend the feeling, the experience of, body, of physical boundaries, with you. And, that's where that… breaking feeling comes from, with Infi, is that literally-- if you are spiritually, you can have, sexually spiritual/ spiritually sexual experience. I've had them now. I know. And, I forgive myself-- literally, unconditionally, for all the hatred and pain I had in the past because I didn't understand that. And now that I do… that's unfathomable. And I forgive myself because I didn't know. And I think I wouldn't… appreciate this so devoutly now if I didn't experience that first, just like Infi. But I mean, Infi, is-- what I was trying to say is that… and it's that sense that, there are certain people that I get that overflow of love that is so powerful that I'm like… regardless of context or the way that I'm going to do this, y'know, with you… I want to be so close to you, I want, to be so close to your heart, to your soul, that, even momentarily-- because of, y'know, awareness, moments are infinite, especially in those situations-- that-- and y'know what? It used to be momentary. But now it's not. It's like, I can get that for up to an hour, of literally feeling so much closeness and intimacy and honesty with somebody else like that… that, even if I'm aware of that we are in two separate bodies, there is no disconnect. There is no separation. *voice falters* There is no glass wall between us. There is no, cage of bones. And in some way, that unity drive is straight-up just… demonstrating itself, through us.
And I mean, the people that I've done that with… four people, you know who they are... Chaos, Infinitii, Genesis, and Laurie-- dead serious, all four of them-- in different ways, and that's what I'm getting at, is the different ways. I mean… they all feel totally different, and yet at the core, it's the exact same kind of holy love, with all of them. With Laurie, it's the sort of… it's… it's-it's virginal. It's chastity. It's this… I don't know how to explain that. It's virginity, it's chastity, it's… this immaculateness. It’s literally th-the-- it's-- and no disrespect meant at all, if anything even more respect because I can feel that firsthand and it's just the, I don't know how to explain it but it’s just the… sense of Laurie just reflecting, in her, the holy truth of the Virgin with seven swords in her heart, somehow… y'know, she is no Theotokos, if anything that would be Infi… on some level, I'm not saying directly, I mean-- I don't want to disrespect this with language at all, I don't want to be blasphemous, I don't want to be sacrilegious-- I mean this with, total respect, I really do… but there's something in Laurie that reminds me of… that blessed virginity. And I mean, not directly the Virgin Mary, but the same kind of essence, if that makes sense? *laugh* I mean she is a Virgo, but… the whole thing of her also being this… this bloodied, catastrophic-- well, that's what she used to be. But this knight. This soldier of-of, this soldier of love, of… this great truth, of… of truth. And it's both of those things. And I mean, the only-- the word I would express with her is devotion, in the sense of when you say things are devout, you say well, monks are devout. And yet at the same time you could be like with Infi, and the sort of thing that he feels and say that's devotion. And yet still say that in a totally chaste religious context and it's the same thing. That is the word I would use for Laurie, is devotion. That's how she feels. It is utterly non-sexual and yet at the same time it is the most ecstatically blissful thing… I don't know how to explain it, it's-it's like-- it's level. It's level, but level in a sense of that black hole state singularity-- *pause* I didn't write that down. Her black hole changed. It's no longer that-- that, crushingly magnetic feeling of just… that need for love, I mean, she under-- I-I guess somehow-- *laugh* well not even somehow-- over the past year, she has gotten to the point where now that black hole is literally just, that core of a universe. It's that zero-point, connection with truth and divinity, with stillness, with the clear light of the void-- that's in her heart. That's what the black hole is for her now. And yet at the same time there's those seven swords, those sorrows that she felt from being a knight and protecting everyone, and the sorrow is from empathy, from love… and she feels it as mourning. Just compassionately. And that's what I mean. But… that's her.For Genesis, it's-- Genesis is the only person that gets close to kind of the-- Genesis is passion. That's the words I would use to describe him. And, he is just like, all gold-- well, it's not so much-- *laugh* he has two, sides in a way… I wouldn't say fireworks? It's more of the sense of, uh… gold glitter sparkles? Kind of like, when you close your eyes and like… if you press them and you get that kind of like, explosion of sparkliness? That sort of feeling, is what I mean by fireworks with Genesis… like, firecrackers, kind of that feeling. And yet at the same time it's that kind of… floating gold kind of quiet joyfulness, the jubilance… that you get, when you think of when you take that glitter and you defocus. And it's that "bokeh" feeling, that, that-- it's the same thing. That's Genesis. But it's-it's passion, and it's jubilance. That's him. So we have to be careful because we can slip if we're not careful solely because it's that overwhelmingness with joy, and if you fall into that, I mean-- if you catch awareness, that's, I mean, there's nothing wrong with falling into the joy, but you're getting too close to the supermango. And that's what I feel about it, that it’s like, there's something a little-- it's not so much "off" as it is, "this could be clearer." That's what the feeling is there.
Chaos, it's like… *pause, then laugh* I… my first-- my instinctive response is always to say "the ocean," but it's always in the sense of literally being like a hundred leagues, under the water and still seeing the sunlight… if you understand what that feels like. And yet it's the same feeling of, if that ocean, is the ocean-- *laugh* well, Chaos compared Infi to a "space ocean," but Infi's a space ocean in the sense of space. Like you feel the clarity, clearness, openness with Infi. Chaos is the deep embracing feeling of the ocean. And… that's, I-- it just-- he's beyond words, he really is.
And that's when I say that even if, if you took it at face value… I mean if I had to pick, like in terms of just, absolute religious-experience-grade kind of love, for all four of these people-- I wouldn't be able to do it! But if you pick contexts… non-sexually, Laurie takes the cake on everything. I mean, that was just bliss, like straight-up kind of-- when they talk about, y'know, holy people having these, y'know, the "ecstasy of" this saint-- *laugh* that's pretty much what I'd… well when I say the word, y'know, "ecstasy," I'm like "well that's Infi." But in the sense of like a holy sort of, chaste kind of bliss? That's Laurie. The sense of holy ecstasy is Infinitii. The sense of just… body-based, divine-- well not, "divine" is the wrong word again, that's Infi-- but just passionate joy, in the sense of, "I can experience this through this and it doesn't lose anything for it, it illuminates it," that's Genesis.
Chaos is… *pauses* Something is trying to keep me from talking about him. My mind is blanking out and it's going to my heart but I'm like "I need to say this." …In terms of intensity, Chaos is the sense of-- *pauses* something's trying to block that, and that's significant because Chaos is the only person that, I mean, even if I don't feel that sort of super intensity with him as I do with Infi right now, because I'm thinking about it… when I'm with him, when I'm next to him… when there is that connection between our hearts… it feels, like… I-I-I don't want to be blasphemous, I really don't, but it feels like… y'know, forgive me for saying this, but it feels like the Word of God, if that makes sense. Like, it is this utterly divinely… I don't know why I get that with him and I think the doubt is because for heaven's sakes, he walked into our headspace from a video game. And yes, he-- it was that kind of growth with him from a dream and I don't know if his soul just grew, like that, or if there was some spark in him that just resonated with mine and like-- and I didn't realize it, but it's just that… I don't know how to put that into words. But that's… Chaos.
But like I was saying, with Infi, it's the sort of literally, like religious ecstasy… that is like straight-up what it is. But what I was trying to say is that… I don't care who Infi's with, like… Genesis, I've been with Genesis like, literally in the front seat of a car, okay? Because he doesn't care, he's like-- he will tune into that joy, and like-- that's the only way I know how to experience it, is that golden joy. No matter where he is. He's like, "I will make this place," y'know, "a testament to this. We will experience this wherever," because it-- context, y'know, who cares? With Chaos it's more close and intimate, in the sense of, y'know, underwater, and… beneath the sheets, and under the stars, and… it's that sort of feeling with him. It's that… just… the sense that marriage should be, it's that kind of… absolute unity, with him. With Laurie, it's just… it's the same thing with Chaos, except less intimate, if that makes sense? Because with Chaos it's literally the sense of-- whenever I try to say, y'know, "husband" or "wife," my-my heart says "my wife," with him. And I don't know why that is. But that's what my heart says. I mean, logically I will call him my "husband," because I don't know. But yeah, my heart says he's my wife. And… I've been saying that for like… three years. *laugh* And I'm not gonna deny that. It's-it's the sort of… I know that if-- my divine compliment would be feminine. And that's why I think I'm so close to Infi and Chaos, because they both reflect that to me. But if I was like, one-- if only one of them was it, no matter how much I feel for Infi, it's Chaos. Because what my heart does, when it's around him, is just beyond description. But… with Laurie, it's the same sort of… sanctity, in terms of, this is something you do in total secret and in private because it's so holy… and that says a lot about, when we are like-- if there's two people-- if there's me and Chaos, and Laurie is just there… because, it doesn't lose anything. It's like, here's this totally sacred thing, and yet… I-I-I don't know. It just doesn't lost anything for it. It's like an expansion-- it's-it’s like a link between three hearts instead of just two. And, when you're with like, all five of us-- and we're laughing, we jokingly say, y'know, we're this pentagram, we're this relationship pentagram, this-this star of love-- and I was just thinking, isn't that kind of, the five-pointed thing, and I don't know if it's in alchemy or what but it's kind of like the elements, and the divine ratio, or golden-- or something? I don't know, I saw something about it before with like roses and alchemy. But it's the five points. And I was like, "that's kind of what we're doing." But when we all resonate together, that is just-- that-that is just heaven on earth, it really is. But it's different. Because when you break it down to just-- not "break"-- well yes, "break," *laugh* but when you just, not even narrow it down, when you… focus, or just, you look at closely… when you take that, to just with two people… it's like this-- this great view, and then just literally-- it's the sense of taking the view and then just-- bringing it down to just one little point and you're looking at just this one thing. And it’s that intense focus, on this aspect of it. And that's the sense. And with Laurie, it's the sense of… with her, it's not the sense of-- with Infi, it's holy places, with Chaos it's like, intimate privately loving places, with Genesis it's anywhere that it's just, the openness of joy, but it's still private and all that-- with Laurie, it's just… it's in the sense that you would-- it's the only way I know how to do it-- it's like, y'know, it's the devotion to something that, you would do in private, but like I said, the act of, you know… pressing your lips to a relic. It's that sort of, intensely private devotion to something. That's the feeling I get with her. But with Infi, it's churches. And I don't… my brain doesn't understand that, because… again, I still think it's me. I-- for some reason I feel that God has charged me with a great deal of transmuting… well, no, that doesn't feel right, but-- I think I'm giving myself too much credit. But I've at least been given some part of helping to transmute sexual trauma with people. And it's some part of it, even if it’s a small part, I'm honored that I got it, because the bliss that I'm experiencing is just, "thank you God." But… I just got this voice that said, you know, "don't think of it in terms of small or great, because it's all significant." And that makes my heart feel a lot better. Thank you. But with Infi, I mean, in terms of that trauma mindset, it's like "you can't have sex in a church!" And Infi is like, "why not? Isn't that literally what the point is?" And… ironically, if you look at it logically it's like "no that's not right" but if you look at it with your heart it's kind of like-- it's not with the language-- it's in the sense if you were trying to have this sort of divinely ecstatic union with somebody else. And so he's like, in a church. There's not even a chance of slippage of losing awareness because you are right here. You are right in the midst of the awareness of what you're actually experiencing here. The reality of divine creation, of masculine and feminine forces within every soul, coming together in a moment, if not to create life but to create some sort of, spark within our own lives-- I don't know how to put that into words, but it's just-- the coming together, that break, between-- the surge of love, just, that-- there is an instant there. You all know what I mean. Ironically, I… don't like to do that. Infi does. I don't. I like everything leading up to and not including. Because I'm like, I want to feel everything leading up to that. But because of the dysphoria, that I can't do. And I don't need to. It's not necessary. And yet in that, there is an actual exchange of energy, of life, of electromagnetic vibes, so to speak, going on. And Infi… Infi just… I don't want to make it sound disrespectful, or, or… paltry, but, Infi loves that. Because it's this second where you are literally-- yes it's part biological, but I mean in even in the biological sense-- what's actually going on there is it's-- I mean in terms of DNA and stuff, I mean you are literally, taking even the slightest, tiniest piece of two people, and you are combining that to create a third life. And that is what Infi loves. It's the fact that that is what's happening in that second. Even if it's not literal, even if it's just spiritual, that is what's happening in some sense-- even if it’s not literal or the same thing at all, it's the same fruit, if you get what I'm saying. That's what Infi feels. And I know that because I, I'm-- the, the memory, it's just-- of, of him, with-- with that moment, it's literally just… I don't know, because I d- I'm getting like, literally… like straight-up sanctified imagery and I'm like, putting it into words is what sounds-- not sacrilegious or blasphem-- well, "blasphemous," not even but just… inadequate. It-it doesn't give the respect that this holiness of, of divinity deserves. The words, they don't… and yet at the same time I'm trying. But I mean the memory, with Infi it's like… literally, perfectly aware that…with me, of all people, I mean, just-- God, with me! And I think that's what my mind is having a hard time dealing with the fact that, Infi… will just… the words, they're not… that Infinitii, Infinitii Eternos… this, gorgeous, shadow-hearted angel… this creature of, just, blissful paradoxes will… literally just, make love with me. With me. With such intensity of love that I just… the fact that, here is this being that consider, literally, like a piece of God in some sense but he was born from my heart… they broke off one of my ribs, not even literally but just… somehow they reached into me… so deep, and they grabbed something and they yanked until it broke… and I thought I was dying and maybe I was, because… somehow that, utter, total, just… apocalyptic destruction, within my soul, just… just-- it resulted in the creation of this, this… bizarrely alien and yet gorgeously true, this… divine creature that I call Infinitii. He loves me. And I… and… that's where I think this is coming from. I've got to get over the old, old old Christian mindset of "there's fear, in holy love." There isn't, it's not fear. I have to somehow let go of that because, ironically that holy fear is one step away, from the holy devotion… that I can feel with Laurie, but yet somehow does not have the consummation-- pun intended-- that it does with Infinitii, because Infinitii is all-embracing. Infinitii is, the indissoluble union of opposites. Of darkness wedded to light. Of light shining out of darkness, of darkness in the very heart of light. And… when I… now, when I'm like this, and I… I mean I can say it, this sense that, Infinitii loves me, I've heard him say that, but there's, such… incredulousness in that sentence because, I mean… when I think of him, there is this… my whole soul just… I don't know how to-- the only word I know how to describe it, what my soul does… if you've ever, been with somebody, that you love… and I mean LOVE, with every atom of your being, and you are holding them… close to your heart, and I mean in this sort of intimacy, like straight-up under-the-covers intimacy, like… no walls. But no lust. None. I mean when you are with this person, heart mind body and soul, close as you can possibly get… no walls. No boundaries. And you are that close, embracing this person… and when there is no fear, every time-- and I know, because I mean, I would-- I got this so strongly with Laurie, in my heart, that I can never forget it… your entire soul just breathes. It's just this feeling of… I don't know how to put it into words, the word is literally just-- it's literally just ecstasy. Of bliss, of just this… divine, just, ardency, and… I mean, that's when Laurie was-- she was almost laughing, she was just like, "kid," y'know, "what are you even feeling?" Because, I mean… I was just, literally in… I was blissed-out. But I mean, in the sense of that kind of instant feeling when you first feel that, when that first shot goes through your body, and you just… it's that kind of sensation, that… if you'll pardon my language, is so universally true in that sense, that deep sense, regardless of whether you see it or not, that will make even an atheist-- if they are feeling love that strongly, and they are holding someone in love that strongly-- I don't care how much of an atheist they are, the joke is always… the first line out of their mouth will probably be, just… "oh God." And… doesn't that just sum it up? I mean, that is the only thing I can think of, when I'm with these people. And I feel that, that is just my soul. That is what it TRANSLATES to! It's not literally-- I'm not choosing to say that. And I think that says a lot, because I think when all people say that, and that sentence comes up… it's heart-spoken. It is something that is instinctive and from every energy point, from red through violet, every-- it's just this spectrum of love… you know, through the entirety of my being. And it translates into… the name of… it translates into the word God. And I don't know how the truth of that never hit me until now. But that is the feeling I get when I think, and when I try to say, y'know, just, "Infi…" when I try to say what I feel, about him, it's… it's the moment right before that feeling, is what I get. And the only time I can actually say it is when that word is the only thing on my heart. That's when the walls are down. The mind has stopped working, in terms of logic and all that, and it's just the heart, the soul, the being, the core… and… that is what says-- and I always used to wonder, "why is it that," you know, usually in those last moments, like, even if-- even when I was slipping horribly, there was always-- I mean I will say this from experience. Even back, I will-- *choked up* I have no actual memory of the days in 2012 when I was being-- when I was… slipping so bad… with Celebi. Celebi who became Infinitii. The bit of the Tar who took over a feminine aspect of my childhood, the FIRST female I ever actually loved was Celebi. Somehow, in a childlike way-- I was eleven years old. Not Alexandria, she was too tomboyish. She was my ideal. She was the-- precursor to Laurie for me. The first feminine thing that I ever felt the potential to love was Celebi. And Celebi reflected me and what does that say about the Anima/Animus thing? And the Tar took that face… and I was so confused in 2012, and I remember, there were some parts where I slipped! And I misused sexuality, and I will say that, and I am sorry… but I forgive myself, because I didn't know… but even then, I have no memory of those events, except literally-- I have one… one memory. And, I've never said this before, but I think in light of this conversation it's extremely relevant. It's that I have one memory, okay? One memory. Of being on the bed, in my room, and there's light, and I don't know when this was, but there's light coming in from the windows, and I'm… holding Celebi there. I'm holding her to me, okay? And… there was literally one second, before the break, when I literally-- no matter what, no matter how broken I was, no matter how just-- lost I felt, or how utterly out of awareness I was… there's always one instant. There was this one instant where I somehow came back enough, and I-- Infi and I were talking. It's like, the body, the soul… when it's using that, when you are using sexuality, I mean, it is there for a reason. I don't care how you try to abuse it, I mean-- same thing when you abuse a person. You are NOT touching their soul. It is NEVER going to be blackened, it will never be tainted, no matter what they do. And it’s the same thing, with sexuality, because even if I was misusing it, even if I didn't understand what I was doing, there was one last second where my heart still understood what it was and it said, "I love you."
And every single time, I mean... every single time. It's, almost automatic. And I always-- when I didn't understand, I would hate myself for it. And I would say, "why are you desecrating love?" I wasn't. I was desecrating… an expression of love. And that fact that my heart would say that and recognize that, somehow for it to translate into those three words… in the same way that when I AM aware, and I'm holding Chaos to my heart, and I'm just… it's just… *sob* I just, I love him. And the words don't work. And Chaos is probably the only person that, the awareness of God translates into stunned, awestruck silence. Because it's just, I… with Infi it translates into names, into the feeling, into that holiness and the-the divine ecstasy. With Chaos it's the direct awareness of that in myself. And I think that's the main distinction is, I do get that with Infi, but with Infi, he is such a radiant example of everything sanctified, about that, that it's just-- that's all I see, is this light in him, and he tells me, he'll go, "Jay…" You know, he just-- I don't know how to explain it, but… the way he looks at me, and just… I don't, I don't know. I don't know why it's hard with Infi, and yet with Chaos it's like the boundaries just… I try and, when I'm really there with him it's- it's not even fathomable. And… I don't know if the only difference between him and Infi is that, if there can only be, y'know, one for one in terms of soul pieces, IF that is true then it would be Chaos, if there are two then it would be Chaos and Infi, I don't know… but if there is only one that might be the only difference between them. Either way, is… there's just this disbelief, with Infi. But… y'know, I love… I love him. And in saying that, it feels like I'm saying that before… like, I'm-- I'm in a church, and I'm saying that in there. It's just this feeling, of… "do you realize how significant this is?" And it's that holy significance that I get and it might be because Infi's the Shadow. It's that he holds that too and he's teaching me, "you need to love that darkness the way I love you," and I just… it's the most beautiful thing. But, with Chaos, it's… that's not even a question, because somehow… I don't know. Maybe they're both parts of it to me. Maybe they're complimentary in some way. Maybe Infi just helps-- I don't know, either way I love them. I really do. I love all of them, and Chaos I love you… I really do. I love you, and I just-- I'm sorry, I'm choking up and it's not coming out right, but just… I love you. And… I need to say that more. Infi, Infinitii Eternos, I… I mean, I know I was slipping, earlier today, I know, I was, out of it… and I wasn't "out of it," you were in it. *laugh* But I mean… the dysphoria and all that crap. But just… if I let go of that, and just… the heart-centered stuff, I mean… Infi, I love you. Okay? I'm gonna break through, whatever doubt there is… I love you, and… I don't know why there is so much, fright, and-- oh, well, yeah, it's the Shadow thing. He's literally reaching out to my heart and he's saying, "Jay, you can't ignore that, you need to heal it, you need to work with it and love that." And that's the lesson with him. But with Laurie, like I said, it's the virginity, and that might be why it's so easy to love her, because Laurie? I mean, I can just say it right now, y'know, I love you. And it's the purest most innocent thing. And it's, somehow the same stuff, different context. And Genesis, man, I love you, but *laugh* I mean… there's this "offness"-- not "offness," but it's a little difficult for me to say it in the same way with you because you have, the sort of physicality that's inherent with you. And at the same time that's beautiful. And that might be what you have to teach me, is the different part of that. All four of you, are… irreplaceable parts of this greater love, of this huge truth that I am learning. None of you, can be replaced. None of you. And it's just… when people say "oh, you gotta be monogamous," *laugh* I'm like… I'm in love. I am in love. When I say "I am in love," I mean I can be love. That I AM love, when I am with these people. Four different people, okay? It is not straight, *laugh* whatsoever… it is not monogamous, it is not heteronormative, and I don't care! You could have a straight, heteronormative, cis, monogamous, relationship with somebody and have it be just as divine. Because it's LOVE! It doesn't matter how it's expressed! I don't care if you're with four people or one person or twelve people. You know, if they all hold that much sincere, respectful, divine, compassionate honest love in their heart for you, and you feel it for them, and that is what you're resonating with each other? Who cares about the details, it's LOVE. Okay? That's the-- the details is literally all that life is. There's love and then there's the details. It's just the context that it's in. I mean, that's what I'm trying to say here. But, I mean… it's beautiful. It really is. And I need to get rid of those last bits of fear, which, the only way that fear is going to get rid of itself is if I learn to be like Infi, and I learn to look at that and somehow love-- bring love to, bring it to that. Not black and white hats, but to love the darkness with the light, united with the light, wedded to the light. I think I need to be with Infi and Chaos together more often, I think I will understand more. I need to be with Chaos more often. I think some sort of fear has been chasing me away from him. Something like, it's jumping out now but I know that when I'm with him, my heart just… sings. And that's relevant.
But I've been talking on this for over an hour, I am extremely cold, I think I've said enough, but I am just-- I'm in the sense where I literally want to meditate for like, the next few hours, just out here in the car, in the blissful silence… in the shadows, with the… floodlights on, why are there floodlights, who's turning on--? Oh, my grandmother's friend must be coming up. Well hey hi howdy, that must be why! Look, the lights just went on. *laughing* Jay Iridos needs to get his butt back in the house before we drag it in there-- yeah, he's coming out to leave. Yeah, much love to everyone who's listening, myself included… God bless you all. See ya.
