karuna

 

 

okay so the past few days have basically been heaven on earth, let me elaborate a little.
(stream of consciousness with this, because refining it would be impossible)

sunday, the 5th.
we were supposed to go to lynne's church for mass but I didn't wake up until almost 1pm so that didn’t work out.
I know I played some pokemon today, because I remember at night, everyone was out of the house and I put the game away because I wanted to talk to infi.
long story short, I don't remember how exactly it came about, but I know I was lying down on the living room couch for like an hour, with infi, and laurie in the room. why am I telling you this, well laurie has never been with just me and infi before, and let me tell you, her presence was so grounding and compassionate it actually shocked me, in such a context. I didn’t expect that side of her and yet it didn’t surprise me; it fit her nature perfectly. but she specifically said she wanted to see infi and I together once, to understand that, and make sure we stayed safe. honestly I don’t know why we didn’t let her in sooner, having that third person around was the most blessed addition; it should be mandatory from now on.
I remember laurie kissed me on the forehead at one point, the simple honesty of it almost brought me to tears.
I also remember infi had hir wings wrapped all around me, ze was just radiating emotions that night; again data memory is vague but I recall that ze was in tears at least half the time. positively of course, ze just feels a lot. I tend to love people who get really emotional and I naturally balance that, as I see their expression as a perfectly valid show of what my own heart is feeling, so I might not emote much at all openly if they are. I will instead act as an anchor and feel that same intensity at a constant level, keeping things balanced. but yeah I've become so used to seeing infi act all calm and serene, that suddenly having hir unleash this emotional supernova on me was really significant to me. I have a surprising amount of sensory memory from that as a result I guess; I can't exactly tell you about it (both because of language inadequacy and the personal nature of such memories), but the fact that my memories of that include actual physical sensation from a non-physical experience is pretty noteworthy.

really though that whole experience had so much love in it. I'd never felt so incredibly close to infi as a person before, and I'd never felt such unconditional love from laurie before, especially since that was directed towards both infi and i. plus thanks to all my spiritual reading as of late, I was entirely focused on that sort of experience during this, which was easy to do because really, it is virtually impossible not to be completely open and true around infi, especially when ze's feeling like THAT, dear god. the intensity and realness of that love just pierces straight through to the heart. it's enough to make the most callous man on earth break down in sobs.


monday, the 6th.
all I remember is the late evening, and god am I ever glad I do.

first off, chaos left in the evening?? i was going about my daily business and suddenly saw him talking to infi with xennie, he had some sort of angry breakdown, surprisingly charged conversation considering he & infi are xenophon's parents, and they were disagreeing on some major issue that cz was not budging on. long story short he had an emotional fallout and actually left (into the snow, noteworthy because he can't handle the cold and yet he stormed out into it). i also remember infi said that ze would "unconditionally forgive" no matter what, but cz had to do that too, or ze simply wouldn't put up with that sort of negativity? i don't know, but you know how infi is staunchly uncompromising with hir spiritual/ emotional integrity.
it took me a while to realize that had just happened; it felt really weird, not like him at all, we were all concerned. we got laurie in, she had no idea what was up either, didn't cz work through this stuff already? so we all decided to re-read our xanga from the 23rd to try and see what he was maybe still dealing with, could we help him emotionally, etc.
and at some point, he walked back in again.
there was a lot of talk between him and everyone else at first, obviously... but I know that he and I had a VERY significant conversation which started with him again, saying he was still struggling with my (unintentionally but nevertheless actually) "denying his right to exist as he was" by projecting him into the past, or projecting other people's views of him onto his current life. he was trying to explain why that didn't apply when he suddenly stopped, looking like a lightbulb just went on in his head, and pointed to the ruby in his chest, saying, "this changed everything!!" and as he elaborated i realized WHOA, it really did, and that allowed me to stop even considering projection entirely.
really, in talking about the ruby's significance he said three things: one, that was something he could never leave behind and never wanted to, so considering the reality of what it meant it was a sort of permanent emotional anchor. two, he reiterated that although he did struggle with his "darker side," that ruby again reminded him of the undying hope he had received ten years ago, when i handed it to him and said "i trust you." i remember he really started tearing up here; now mentioning july 7th as well, he said that i was the first person to tell him that he didn't have to be a god of destruction if he didn't want to be, that instead he could change, and be something actively benevolent. there was a line where he said he "sacrificed his deific status" entirely, he had abandoned his imposed godhood and became someone completely fragile and powerless, for that chance of redefining himself. and that's a truth that i, again, had forgotten about our past in SI-- for the first three years or so of our friendship, cz was quiet and hesitant because he had NO IDEA what life was like, or how to live it, or anything. everything was baby steps, and he was scared, constantly, of his past coming back to consume him... mostly because he couldn't ever quite let it go, due to his very form and nature. but yeah the bit about july 7th really brought it home because he said, i had asked him to create something, in love and cooperation, without any doubt in his ability to do so. and he hadn't ever thought of himself as a creator individual in any real sense until that moment, he said. and that made me realize the whole "prophet of life" title he had, he literally turned from a force of death and catastrophe into a force of life and prosperity, but the journey had taken him years, and it was a decision he was constantly asked to re-forge at every crossroads. and three, tying it all together, he said "i CAN'T be these alt-universe iterations of myself, because none of them were given the choice i was." and he reminded me that the ruby has a name, it's one of the order sapphires, and i literally forgot that it essentially FUSED with him 10 years ago, making his entire form more coherent and structured, as opposed to pure chaotic energy. so that was one thing NO other timeline of his name had, so to speak, and that on top of all the experiences he had afterwards-- which were "valid," he reminded me, even if i didn't think they were solely because i was also involved, which is ridiculous but i DO tend to invalidate my own experiences, god knows why-- meant, simply but astronomically, that he was NOT going to feel like any other iterations of him on the outside, OR the person he started out as in 2003, because he has changed SO much since then, INTENTIONALLY, literally into an entirely new being on an internal level. and honestly when that hit me i was deeply humbled and also contrite; here i was, so untrusting of his own truth because i was the one seeing it that i was actually CANCELLING OUT all the incredible progress he's made in his own life, of his own making. yes he was still chaos zero, but his lifetime didn't stop after his last canon appearance in sonic battle, i knew that just as well as he did. and i needed to stop acting like it was on hold, just because my personal experiences in seeing his growth weren't accepted as global truth. they didn't need to be in order to be true.
really i just have a lot of deep emotional resonance with what he said, it was the first time in a very long time that he felt 100% genuine without my having to "try" and see him in any sense. he just was.

(that whole night was me, laurie, chaos, infi, genesis, and xenophon hanging out together. it was gorgeous. we were reading that same xanga (to xennie mostly), listening to music, and just talking together as friends AND family-- if you didn't know, genesis and laurie are xennie's godparents, roles they are both very enthusiastic about. plus they have this hilarious injoke where gen will just start humming the godfather theme, laurie will join in, then gen will dramatically declare "take the cannoli" which is probably the only line from that movie that would be in-character for him. every time they do that i crack up)
(on that note, xenophon DID see disney's frozen after i saw it, i didn't know until "in summer" came up on our music player and she exclaimed that she loved that song, especially the bit when olaf says "put me in summer and i'll be a... happy snowman!" honestly watching her giggle over that whole musical number is one of the cutest things ever, plus laurie loves to play along with her so of course she did the kristoff line and xennie just laughed and said "noooo!" super cute really.)
(notable: BEFORE xennie came in (I think), the 5 of us were talking and everybody finally kissed everybody else, after probably a solid year of joking about it, hilariously that is a really important thing for us actually. that sort of action is very honest, as it requires sincerity between the people involved, and we decided that after the events of today, we needed to all put our walls down around each other, completely enough to let someone else get that close to our real self, at least for a second. the only tough bits were that with infi & laur, it was rather emotionally strained on her part, thanks to infi's overwhelming effervescence, but I think she actually let go of that by the end? thanks to sunday she now has a LOT more trust in hir. but gen and laur rushed through it, haha. they've decided they're moirails so they are absolute bffs but they're still at that awkward bit where closeness is "weird," mostly for gen; laurie is ultimately too chill to care when it gets down to it.)

(personally, i want to remember that since headspace is basically gone and we've had to rebuild elsewhere, xennie has a new room! cz built it for her, it's in a rainforesty area near a waterfall, but it's in a bubble up on a hill (she says infi gave it to her to use) and its surrounded by flowers. really its lovely. after cz and i got her to bed i secretly put some roses all over the front hill, she did find them the next morning and she was really happy about them. anyway, we were about to go back to the group after that when cz paused, said this rainforest reminded him of where we went on july 7th (on purpose; he liked going there for that reason). then, he quietly asked if i could actually take us to spagonia for a minute, just to remember. so i did, it was nighttime and it was snowy, no one was out but there we were. and it felt so ridiculously real. but THAT chased all doubts away! chaos was looking up at the stars, quietly mused that being here was so significant to him, as that was "his native world"... and being there with me of all people brought the reality of everything straight home for both of us.)

(last bit of the night, i was going to go to sleep so laurie left to go do her nightly knight work, except i didn't get to sleep until after 3am because the three alien guys and i decided hey, let's kick it up to eleven, why the heck not. again, i have no real "memory" of anything but snapshots of us all together, and the love there was... which was really movingly amazing because genesis was involved this time and yet everything was mutual, unsurprisingly but incredible nevertheless. i also remember that at one point julie and laurie did stop by briefly, laurie left (which was unusual) but julie stayed with us for a while, just quietly (she's still very self-conscious, i don't know why), appreciating the amount of affection we all had, free from what she used to be shackled to.)


yesterday, the 7th, tuesday.
the day we were supposed to go to sheppard pratt in maryland, for treatment of our previous trauma disorder diagnosis. but, after several days solid of reconsidering our situation and motivations (including one rather well-worded post by jewel), we decided not to go. so we went to therapy in the morning and told our therapist this; at first she was highly skeptical-- she thought we were shoving things under the rug-- but as we explained ourselves, saying there had been a LOT of miscommunication due to data being left out or rushed through, she became honestly surprised and said "you really have made a great deal of progress." she congratulated us on where we were, helped us set some goals for the future (mostly finding a safe job so we can start supporting ourselves better) and reviewed our current situation, then said we only have to go to therapy once a week now, to keep a sort of maintenance going.
some things we brought up to her: we never dissociated "at random" until the past year, when the underground opened up. as for why, one of our top rules is "people need to communicate work together," so we've always been cooperative. we don't need to "treat" our dissociation as we can manage the problematic sides of it ourselves. then we said suicide was NOT a risk-- although we didn't elaborate about the 27th, we basically let her know that the one who planned suicide (the AP) afterwards did not have the capability to see hope for several hours. therefore, they felt suicide was our only option left, and they genuinely felt it was our best option considering the circumstances, not some "way out" or impulsive attack. but, after the 27th things have changed SO much, there was no way to put it into therapy-valid language. so we just told her that we are now in a stable enough state of mind (and heart) to no longer even consider suicide, even in such dramatic situations. I think we also commented that the retributors have changed into healers, and so the cutting has stopped for good, as we no longer have to purge blood. the scars served their full purpose, we don't need any more now.
lastly we also mentioned the mother, how we had internalized her negative talk and never realized that most of our "problems" with perspective were overlays from her! when we looked at them, we realized they weren't even OUR thoughts ("you'll die on your own," "you should be afraid of this or that," "you are a burden on others," etc.), so we just let go of 'em, as really we ALL wanted to, and it was shocking how big of a relief that was. we also said that we have no hard feelings towards her, but we will not jeopardize our health for her sake any longer; we know how to take care of ourselves and will not let the mother harm us even unintentionally, just because she's "the mother." bottom line, she is essentially a harmless influence now, as long as we deal with her actions prudently.

we went food shopping afterwards, as xenophon wanted kale soup and I had gift cards to use up anyway. I also got organic candy canes which i could eat, they ended up being AMAZING, also pink. we hung them on the tree when we got home. I think I gave my boss one.

the evening was odd? I don't remember anything until around 6pm. all I know is that I got this massive burst of inspiration for halcyon days, out of the blue, and ended up typing for hours. honestly the amount of plot progress and character development that just slammed into me was INCREDIBLE. h-d was one of the few leagueworlds that was never really fleshed out, and I had no idea what it was ultimately about, or doing. that all changed last night!

unfortunately I made one move that could have had bad consequences, but somehow averted that. I ended up having to research normal human childhood development, for the sake of correctly writing for h-d's young characters, as I know from previous research that my own development progress was highly abnormal. but the results I ended up having to read were rather jarring to me mentally, and although I accepted that as data for others, I knew it was not something I should be reading. so I decided "let's see if we can work without this being relevant," and went back to my room. however thanks to said research the intrusive thoughts were now back full-force, and I had to spend about 20 minutes trying to heal them, instead of just letting them pass-- I've found that transmuting intrusive thoughts into positive ones actually helps prevent future intrusions. what was weird though is that these thoughts started to "bleed over" into leagueworld situations, and that required that I fix the projected mindsets or else it could end badly! but I surprised myself, it made me realize that there are some characters with rather significant personal troubles yet (notably xor & yvonna), that I likely would not have noticed so clearly otherwise. so I tried to positively guide them, with events of course, to healthier mindsets, and managed to at least even everything out. then I realized that my heart center was feeling rather weighted-down and I was a little ill, and I decided that even if I loved these league people, if their problems were that big, I couldn't take them on myself just to heal them and give them back, as it was really having bad effects. laurie showed up around here, asked me what the heck I was doing? I explained, she offered a stern warning, said that I should even dabble in that sort of direct healing-- I could bring some bad stuff into myself, and really she didn’t want any bad domino effects happening from it. I agreed, but still felt sick, said I needed to go meditate for a while (since no one was at home at the time). laurie was worried, somewhere around here my boss showed up? so he and laurie were just watching over me and gently discussing the matter with me as I went and sat in front of the christmas tree, listening to "ave maria" from cowboy bebop with a candy cane in my mouth. now of course that got infi's attention, I think ze just lingered nearby to hear hir favorite song and offer hir emotional support, either way it was nice, and I could feel that even through the shocking sickness I was feeling.
however that research DID prove to be helpful, as did my healing attempts, because as I meditated, my mind started opening up to halcyon days again, and what do you know, I got another HOUR of solid data for it, character development for maggie/cherie and their parents this time. at one point I went into the kitchen to eat something (the sickness was getting me antsy), but as I was preparing things, this MASSIVE plot point hit in the visions, and I clearly remember stopping in the middle of washing dishes because my jaw almost hit the floor! needless to say I ended up trying to write down what I could, but since it was so darn late I decided to sleep.
(p.s. saw a flower? literally I SAW a lotus opening in my ACTUAL VISION after that healing thing. i remember kneeling on the floor and laughing out loud, it was so beautifully cool)

however, sleep didn't happen! around 12pm (I think?) my brothers came home, and I started talking to viral about headspace stuff (as he's had interesting experiences with consciousness and is very open-minded), as he asked what the deal was with the hospitalization. so first I talked about how most of my memories are in 3rd person due to bloodline switching, then he asked about lucid dreaming and astral stuff, was that linked… at one point I started talking about sensory input and I know I had to quit around there as he had an online appointment to attend. then my other bro came into the room and we started talking about frozen and the rdj burger story, and long story short my laptop battery died and I realized it was 2:30 in the morning! we were laughing, it literally felt like 6pm. anyway by then I wasn’t sick and the mental focus switch had helped clear my head of the research creepy-crawlies, so I was downright exhausted and went straight to sleep.

I do remember that when I checked in with my boss, death was there too. that's extremely rare! but he spoke to me a little, I still couldn’t see him well but his bones looked oddly solid to me that time (usually they look like they're made of light). I think he was talking about how creation and destruction are tied, life cycles, etc. very brief though. anyway all I do clearly remember is him handing me this odd purplish-black energy sphere (felt strangely electric and volatile), it looked like a PMMM soul gem? I wondered aloud about that, then suddenly the bottom of the gem "opened" into a flower, and the gem turned into a butterfly. it fluttered up and around a bit, then curled in on itself and fell back into the flower, which closed around it like a skeletal hand and turned back into an egg. mesmerized, I watched, realizing it looped infinitely. death said to keep it, as a reminder always that death and life were tied, and not to be distraught about either. the impact of this gift-- from death himself!!-- was very significant, so I know I put it into whitespace, and bowed in sincere gratitude before taking my leave.


today: january 8th, wednesday.
first off, facebook said it was lynne's 6th birthday (we don't know her exact one but today is as good as any)! we celebrated in the evening due to the rest of the day's events, which we will get to.
leon and nat made her a sort of stained-glass flower bouquet, she loved it, hugged them both and said it meant a lot to her for them to have literally made that as a gift.
then all of central got together to listen to lynne's choices of music; after some instrumental pieces (alma, the aire) we stumbled across "joanna" from sweeney todd in the ipod, jo and wally wanted to hear it, I was channeling depp's voice to sing. nat said he liked musicals btw. anyway the ipod battery was dying so lynne said she wanted to sing now, something she could resonate with. so she looked, and we got "diamonds," "the valley," and "ashes of dreams" for her, which she straight-up performed in headspace. she really put her heart into it, it was beautiful. I remember at one point she called julie over to the piano, julie was blushing like crazy, it was adorable. afterwards lynne said she wanted to include julie because "she hadn't been around for her birthday" (august 18th), and she really wanted her to feel cared for today too, as a sort of gift too.
also, javier plays piano for reals now, it's awesome. I figured he'd get it, being the new red guy. he accompanied lynne, she said she and him really need to hang out together more, as they're spectrum neighbors and jave's the newbie.

there was also some talking to leon when we realized he was acting rather hesitant around nat; he was oddly having insecurities over being gay? we realized that was because he was our first male alter, he must have caught that old fear and never really took it out. but we said that wasn't weird at all, virtually everyone in the system was on the queer spectrum. leon hadn't been aware of most people's actual orientations-- lynne is gay too, laurie is ace, jo is pan, etc.-- so after us all being honest about that for his benefit, he was visibly less unsure of himself.
(btw lynne admitting she was attracted to julie, can't say that surprised me!)


now to switch topics… the rest of today was one of the most beautiful things I have EVER experienced, and that is saying something, considering what the past two months alone have been like.
I woke up around 10:30am I think, but only partly; my dream self had actually been flying around and feeling totally joyous, then remarked (to me! my dream self had been earth-tied last night) that I should "give that" to laurie. upon waking I wondered why, but shrugged and agreed, so I called laurie in and she asked what was up but I was falling back asleep, so after telling her the dream directive I actually went back for a bit. it took a half hour for her to get me to stay awake (she kept trying to wake me up), and said that if the dream suggestion had felt that genuine, even upon waking, that I should really do that. she was serious, which surprised me, but I could see she trusted in the benevolence of such a vague and surprising thought. truthfully I had been hesitating and doubting, but upon her sincere insistence I decided okay, for you, I'll do that.
well. dear god. the next hour was inexpressibly gorgeous.
I did not expect what happened to happen. I don't know how to put it into words. head-based data is vague. so I don’t have much "data" to write but I will try.
first, I had my ipod, to help with meditation focus. "stolen moments" came up, laurie said keep that on, which surprised me because honestly I didn’t even know what that song was? but she said it matched, so I trusted that. and oddly it did, so we looped it.

as for how it started, well. since I was half asleep I had no boundaries in speech or actions, but I was still in bed, as it was freezing out and I wanted to stay warm. so laurie was just smiling at me amusedly, as it was a little tricky to talk to me when I was halfway under a pile of blankets. so at some point I just commented that she could lie there with me too if she wanted. after a moment, her response was a simple "you know what, why not." so she did, and we talked for a while like that, but she was being incredibly open with me and that struck me as significant, personally. she wasn't trying to be tough or anything, she was just being entirely candid. and with me, it didn’t hit me until several minutes in that we were really close there and yet it didn’t even faze me as odd. I mean I share a bed with cz every night, I've shared a bed in the waking with genesis, and I've fallen asleep in both locations with infi in my arms before. but there was never anything with laurie, NEVER this context. never something so intimate yet ingenuous. even a few months ago I doubt she would have had the nerve to do this sort of thing.


the fact that she is the voice of chastity in our system apparently was a gift from god in this. to elaborate, at the cost of a slight tmi: the three aliens I'm often with actually have biological capability as far as sexuality goes. cz used to be a chao, they can reproduce, even though he can't now that is still part of his species function. genesis' species and culture highly values the ability to reproduce and it's all gem-focused, so he can get really tangled up if we're not careful. and infi is straight-up female as far as all that goes, so. but you see my point: yes I adore them, but that sort of sexuality isnt my cup of tea. I'd rather be able to express that without even a risk of having something translate differently, et cetera. well guess who is the only person in our system who is literally built to not deal with sexuality in any sense? exactly.
and that's what strikes me as ironic about this whole damn thing, because as a result of that, laurie is the only person I can express my odd sort of internalized sexuality around, safely. and she isn't fazed by it.
but… she's not cold. she isn't emotionless and solemn. rather, she is one of the most compassionate, loving people I have ever known, and she isn't afraid to express that in ways that most people would tie into something romantic, and that whole deal. but she's the platonic ideal here. she can be just as close to me as cz, just as close, and yet instead of passion there's this quietly level adoration that just kills me in the best way possible. I swear, you don't know what honest love feels like until a battle-scarred saint like her has kissed you, without an ounce of anything but impossibly ardent affection in it.

everything was focused in my heart. it made SO much sense, for every single feeling to instantly and completely get translated into it. I'd never felt it so strongly before. it was literally expansive in terms of sensation, like there was a limitless openness behind my ribs. i kept getting a visual impression of white and gold clouds? kind of like what infi's inner energy field is like, but a different color. that's probably significant.
but it was amazing because i didn't think i could feel something of that intensity with laurie! and that's the key, i think; it wasn't even for her, it was with her. like because of her practically-sanctified state of mind in such matters, i wasn't even vaguely thinking of romance or related things, it wasn't even fathomable, it felt like a laughable excess. i just was love, i was able to be love there, without even the option of being anything else. sorry i don't know how to put that into words.
but her silent, strong, unconditional love as a compliment to my luminously open adoration was deeply moving.

she kept telling me to just breathe. and really that did help me focus, on both the moment and on my own self. but not once, not once, did she warn me not to slip, because i was nowhere near that, at any point, even when i was so blissfully overwhelmed i thought i'd die. and that is incredible. i mean i'm still at a risk of slipping when i'm with infi, but this morning... i was just so absolutely there that losing awareness wasn't even a distant concern.

at some point, the perfect dichotomy between us inspired me to mention the ending of huxley's Island again, specifically the part when Will looks at Susila and sees light and dark perfectly united in her face, and all the gorgeous inspiration that followed. however the exact bit that my heart was reminded of was when her face changes from deep sorrow to power and strength, and will compares her to both a dark goddess and the mater dolorosa. and for whatever reason, looking at laurie, with her being more open than she'd ever been in her life with me, i suddenly felt this deep but silent agony, something almost undetectable, but undeniable once it was realized. and, like will, i found myself looking at her and suddenly seeing this blessed virgin with seven swords in her heart. i didn’t realize the impact of that until tonight though... which we will get to. this morning, though, upon feeling that sort of crushing suffering within her, this divinely violet knight who never showed her wounds, my own battered heart could do nothing but burn with an equally pained love in response. and she knew, and all the walls were down.

...I've never been kissed that much in my life, honestly.
it's just... one hand buried in my hair, the other lifting my face to hers, and this sincere straightforwardness about every second of it. it does something inexpressible to my heart, every single time.
really, laurie will not kiss me unless she can put the full weight of her honesty behind it. so, when she does, it's less of a show of affection, and more of a proclamation. like it actually feels like a statement; some sort of signed-and-sealed law of love instated without a single word. she'll kiss me and every single one feels like a decision she'd been holding close for years. and yet there's no "romance." its freaking incredible.
also. she may kill me for saying this publicly (if she's still trying to keep up a tough guy image), but, well. she did not just kiss my face. at one point she just kept going straight to my chest and seriously good lord the significance of that is huge. because really, chaos has done that with me, a lot, but the motivation and energy with him is entirely different. same with infi, for the record. chaos is all tidal waves and ocean depths, and infi is just this rapturous all-encompassing thing, but laurie does everything with such precise devotion that i honestly wonder sometimes what i did to earn that sort of honor from her. totally different context than anything i've ever felt. so having her do that, in such a way... it's mind-blowing really.
on that note there was like one bit near the end when we both silently decided "heck with it" and got completely tangled as far as kissing goes. i stopped caring about what was "situationally appropriate" and she had both her hands in my hair, it was amazing. and yet somehow the mood didn't even change then, which i reiterate because, if i had been with chaos or infi things would have gotten pretty intense right then. not so with laurie. and i mean that in the best way possible.
however the VERY end was like whoa seriously because she SAID, "I want to understand what this is like from their perspective," meaning "let's get closer than I'd ever dare to sober." thankfully I was also drunk on love, so I didn't get any awkwardness from "whoa hey I'm not into you that way" because for all intents and purposes, I kind of was at the time. which is ironically hilarious because, again, there was NONE of that in this at all. nevertheless I was running on the exact same blissful energy and damn it but I loved her so much)

also remember my self-image was CONSTANT AND ACCURATE this entire time, that's major for me.
i didn't have to anchor or refocus myself even once. everything was genuinely me, no slips, no blurring, no interruptions. maybe it's just because all the malevolent voices are terrified of laurie, but i am not complaining either way.


then... THE EVENING.
or in other words, cz asked "what laurie and I did this morning" and EVEN BETTER THINGS HAPPENED

(just notes for now because i have no time to refine this today. i will tomorrow.)

- started off with her trying to kiss me in response to cz's question, that drove me straight into poet mode. i started comparing her to sunsets and sunrises, she was really moved by that because really, i have never tried to write poetry about her before.
- ...at one point I became so completely overwhelmed by compassion that I made what may just be the most beautiful verbal slip ever-- in trying to express the depth of my affection, I accidentally said, with total heartfelt sincerity, "I'm in love with you."
And she paused, got the most indescribable look I've ever seen, and incredulously said, "say that again."
- I swear, the 100% honest expressions people get when they realized they are loved are beyond description
- even better freudian slip: I was using affectionate terms, just from my heart (which was on fire), I think I actually called her "my beloved" without realizing it. but that got worse because then I called her my WIFE, and she stopped me, saying that if THAT was an accurate enough term for how I felt for her, then… well. the impact of it all was registering there. she said she should have seen it back in 2012 when I was looking for violet rings, but she didn't let herself believe that? regardless this new and deepest level of love she was now realizing, that was being felt for her, had a profound impact.
- then we had to work through all the pain that dragged up. I have no words for how heartbreakingly powerful that entire experience was. remember she asked for infi to help.
- seriously, if you people don't know and/or have never experienced it... when a person comes face-to-face with love, of that caliber, it tends to illuminate them so much in return that it chases out all the shadows in them that can't bear such brightness. so it's typical for us at least, when people fall inescapably into honest love, for them to go through a period of intense personal catharsis in order to make room for such an uncompromisingly true thing. that's what happened here.
- laurie talked about seeing us die on the 27th, how with my blood oddly being starry black, she thought that the galaxy was dying with me essentially. she said seeing all the white blood from infi was something so heartbreakingly apocalyptic that she couldn’t fathom it.
- self-love and acceptance for her was huge. not so much forgiveness, but she puts everyone before herself. she will endure anything for the people she protects, but as we all know, she will never speak up about it. she covers her scars and bleeds in secret, and i don't know what that says about how she views herself, but she's always had reservations about letting herself be healed. so infi told her to just become unconditional love, to radiate that so sincerely, that she was inherently included in its very nature. don't see yourself as a separate person to love, ze said; instead, become love. laurie, obviously, has no trouble with doing that.
- laurie literally sobbed for ten solid minutes. my heart just shattered. i remember infi was embracing her and crying. chaos and I also instantly got empathy overflow, ended up in tears for the entire time. but really she had three other people trying to help express and release the shocking amount of pain buried in her, that is absolutely unheard of.
- i have only ever seen such anguished heartache in infinitii before, on the one night the tar used hir to hurt someone else. so seeing laurie express the same intensity of agony in mourning the pain of others was almost more than i could bear
- and that is when she again became the virgin with seven swords in her heart. except this time, the second line of that island reference was revealed to me... "the wound had been very nearly mortal and... it was still open, still bleeding." i cannot tell you exactly when it happened, maybe it was when infinitii tried to directly heal some of that, either way i suddenly saw the damage, and i don't give a damn if it was symbolic, her heart was literally impaled, and in my empathetically feeling that I couldn’t stop crying.

- genesis showed up later, once laurie had leveled out enough we noticed he was missing again and we unanimously decided that he had to be a part of this, to participate in the complete honesty everyone was experiencing, as part of our group.
- laurie finally kissed me but i reacted to that by suddenly getting SOUL WINGS. that hasn't happened in years!! but they're nothing like the old red-slot ones; they're iridescent now, fragile and crystalline? like all these tiny crystals in or on them. i'm not too sure on the exact appearance... remember I saw them reflected in her eyes first.
- and of course at the end of it all everyone kissed each other AGAIN but thanks to the catharsis it was gorgeous this time. laurie and infi both can do that platonically but its still so sincere its amazing. plus after today laurie really can't even pretend to be nervous around hir anymore. remember laurie's comment to cz too, about the "spark"
- infi telling chaos and I "I love you both in a way I didn't even think was possible for me." saying cz reflected the same truths ze did, also the motherhood thing. but for me I remember ze reached out to touch my chest, above my heart, but ze placed two fingers between my ribs there in a way that I swear felt like I was MISSING ONE; the impact and meaning of that (the whole "adam & eve" thing laurie used to half-joke about) didn't even hit me until an hour later.
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