Sep. 12th, 2013

prismaticbleed: (Default)

This dream was AMAZING.
I actually took a half hour of audio notes on it immediately upon waking up, that's how great it was. There was no way I was letting myself forget this. You'll see why.

The first thing I remember, I was in a car, driving down the side road by the vacant local restaurant. I was listening to some sort of Samurai Champloo-ish instrumental thing while I was driving, that was supposedly from Sonic. I was behind this big truck I had to follow, and I was holding my iPod in one hand which somehow made it so I couldn't use the brakes well. There were 2 other people in the car, I was supposed to be showing them something, but I did not know what exactly. I caught up to the truck at the top of the hill by the bridge, at the stop sign by the factory road. I think it was right before sunrise, as the sky was just barely beginning to fade from night into day. But I was moving too fast to stop when I caught up to the truck, so I actually pulled around it to the left, cutting into the opposite lane before swerving back in front of it and continuing down the factory road. As I turned the sky went back to what looked like 1AM or so, very dark but with clear stars in the sky, like on cold nights. There were all these squirrels running into the road, stopping to pick things up, then bolting back across, which I thought was weird because squirrels shouldn't be out that late. Regardless I had to keep slowing down so I wouldn't hit them. I continued down this road all the way down to the end, where it turns to the factory intersection. However, here the landscape was different than the waking-- right at that curve there were three huge streetlights, as bright as spotlights almost, and past them the road became smaller and more rural almost, like it ceased to be a business road. But most notably was the fact that surrounding these lights were all these equally thin and tall trees of sorts. They had really bright green leaves that seemed to glow with sunlight, but lower down on the tree (on the trunk instead of the limbs) were all these huge, gorgeous lilac flowers. They were about 17 inches around and almost as deep, with long, velvety pointed petals half as wide as my hand. The petals drooped slightly from their weight and were somewhat layered, making the flowers look almost like extravagant Christmas decorations than real flora. Anyway, as soon as I saw them, I gasped with joy and stopped the car, at which my passengers impatiently asked what I was doing. I think I just pointed in elation and said "the flowers!!" because I was so mentally preoccupied with the fact that they were "actually there." I ran over and cupped my hands around one at eye level, and since I wanted to see how it smelled but was also smitten with how soft it was, I basically just stuffed my face into it and grinned. It didn't have much of a scent (it actually smelled somewhat like morning air, if that makes sense?), but I was most surprised to see that in the center was what looked like either a crystal or a lightbulb? I had the strong impression that it was supposed to light up as brightly as the streetlights above us, and the fact that it wasn't worried me slightly. My passengers were getting crabby now though, so I reluctantly left the tree, but just then I realized "where we were" in terms of dream location geography. Excited again, I pointed in the direction of the intersection and said "We should stop at my University," (which in dreams is located in a totally different town than in the waking, but the city structure is INCREDIBLE and the campus is impossibly beautiful), saying something like "it's full of these plants and at night, when no one's around, it's really really nice" as an explanation as to why. My passengers looked at each other and shrugged, now looking calmer, and then nodded to me as if to say "okay, sure." At this point I noticed the scenery had changed-- the lilac flowers and big streetlights were still next to me, as was the car and the road leading in, but somehow we were now inside a building? It felt big, like a mansion, and was all warm colors and light, like wood and red velvet. Behind the streetlight cluster there was a table with a few chairs, and a little beyond that there was a large fireplace in the wall. To the left of that, right where the intersection would have been, there was a huge set of wooden double doors. Seeing these, I said "we'll just go through those side doors to the rest of the building," but then I saw that they had some sort of barricading bar through the handles, and a chair was propped up beneath them as well. I looked at this, puzzled, and wondered aloud "why the door was locked," as that was the direction we needed to go. Then I got an 'aha' sort of expression and continued, "oh yeah, I forgot they're renovating that part of the building, they've changed the whole layout," so apparently there was a detour door in the opposite direction we needed to find? I don't quite recall, but I must have sent my passengers off to find it on their own, because when I turned back to the streetlights, they had now been replaced by a long couch and the road was gone. I was feeling tired, so I lay down on the couch and closed my eyes, deciding to take a short rest.
I don't know how long I slept in-dream, or what that meant. All I know is that as I "came to" again, I was dimly aware that someone was standing by my shoulders and quietly giggling to themselves. I opened my eyes, confused, and the first thing I was aware of was that I was wearing an outfit similar to Sayaka's from PMMM, except it was in a masculine style, built like armor with huge silver shoulder guards. This last detail was important, because the next thing I noticed was the person who had been trying not to laugh-- it was my old classmate AMG. There were two girls standing behind her, too, that I didn't recognize. They appeared to only have been watching, but AMG was holding a tube of red puffy fabric paint, and had been using it to draw all over my shoulder guards. She had decorated them almost like clamshells, with thick squiggly lines outlining every detail on the armor. As soon as I looked at her she got an incredibly embarrassed look, and sputtered out "oh! you- you look wonderful!" Troubled, I asked "what did you do?" but got no reply; I think she and the other girls actually ran off. For some reason I was rather distraught about this paint on my shoulder guards; I felt like it would somehow keep the entire magical outfit from "functioning properly" and that was vital. My first thought was that if I 'morphed out' or 'phased back into my normal form' or the like, maybe when the armor came back the paint wouldn't be on it anymore. I didn't get a chance to do that, though, because this is where the dream suddenly got very awesome.
I got up from the couch, and immediately I found myself in my cousin's house, and it was dawn again (there was the faint glow of the rising sun coming through the windows). The couch was still there, but it was situated to the left of the main stairwell in the entranceway, close to where the old parakeet cages were. I walked up the stairs to the top landing, overlooking the living room. It was empty and dark, but I had this nagging suspicion that there were at least two people sleeping in their rooms down the hall, and that I could not let them see me there. In any case I strongly knew I "had to leave." Oddly, as I hurried back down the stairs I was also aware that I was "currently human" and was "not happy about it" for some reason. I decided not to dwell on it though, so I made a left at the bottom of the stairs, going into the dining room to cross into the kitchen. However the room was very dark, and the rug was covered in kittens? I uneasily tried to tiptoe around them, but they kept jumping up and biting me whenever I moved. It didn't hurt much, though-- it was more like if someone just clamped their teeth down on your finger without much pressure. However the cats had sharp teeth, and there were several of them hanging onto my limbs by those teeth at once, so that wasn't fun. I was getting rather agitated, as I needed to leave but I didn't want to shake the cats off and hurt them. So I hurried out through the kitchen and onto the back balcony, with all the cats running after me and still jumping up to bite me. The balcony (which was really more of a high porch) was surrounded with a white fence about 4 feet high for some reason, except for the side directly opposite the door I had just exited, where there were two metal railings instead. Beyond those I could see the yard, which was also fenced in. In the middle of the balcony there was a medium-size wooden table, about the size (and height) of a hot tub, and on top of that was a large bag of cat food. I quickly began to pour it out for them, which got the attention of most of them so they were no longer interested in biting me. However, I then noticed that there was another open bag on top of the tarp, full of a sandy white substance with blue and black flecks in it. The kittens were also swarming towards that and trying to eat it, but I realized it was some sort of laundry detergent so I hurriedly shooed them away and picked up the bag, closing it and moving it away so they wouldn't get at it again. This upset them though and they started biting me again, but I managed to eventually get all of them eating the cat food and therefore off of me. At this point though I was exasperated, and just wanted to go. So I moved to the edge of the balcony and climbed up on top of the railing. The house was on a slight hill, so from that position I could see all the surrounding houses, as well as several streets and hills sloping down around us. I think there was also a large swimming pool in the yard, because I could clearly see my (silhouetted) reflection in something as I looked down-- and it was notably not human. It was too sleek and streamlined. With a wide grin I realized that I was now a Mewtwo, so I posed like I was going to dive-- which got the attention of all the cats who now leapt towards me-- and then jumped.
I started soaring. It was utterly effortless-- no fluttering, no wings, just fast and free movement. I gained altitude quickly, and began flying over the town, getting higher up as I did. I could see the entire valley below me, all trees and houses and hills, and I smiled at how beautiful it was. Then I suddenly wondered at how perfect this all felt, and whether or not that had some bigger meaning? After all, Mewtwo was the first Pokémon I ever identified with (way back in 3rd grade or so!); maybe I was supposed to be one of those and not a Celebi, as I later was? Either way it felt completely right. I shrugged off the concerns and focused on my flying though, as I had gotten farther out and was now flying over what looked like large baseball or football stadiums, several of them scattered about. I barely had ten seconds to wonder what they were for when things got really cool. I turned to the right to look in the opposite direction, and suddenly, the sky turned into some sort of large pixelated screen, showing what appeared to be an error message of sorts, but it was too glitched to make out. This disturbed me-- not because the sky had literally just turned into a digital screen, but because I knew this message was a warning specifically for me, as I had either come close to breaking some big rule or was about to. Either way I immediately turned around with the intention of flying straight back to my cousin's house, but the instant I turned I was already there.
The building was still similar in basic structure to my cousin's house-- the stairs, main doors, and entranceway were untouched-- but instead of the lower room, there was a gateway, and instead of the landing to the bedroom at the top of the stairs, two large walkways stretched on past where the overlook would be, and another gateway was situated above the lower one. The entire place was also much more rustic-looking, all intricate carved wood and amber glass (rather similar to the building from the first part of the dream). Anyway, I was now surrounded by crowds of people and creatures of all kinds, moving like we were in some sort of station or hub, everyone holding an identical "punch card." They were the size of a postcard, colored a deep red-violet, and in the bottom right corner there was a single punched-through hole, about the size of a dime. Apparently these cards were tied to the "warning message" I had just received, as I did not have one with me when I entered. However, at that moment some guy in a suit (silver?) suddenly appeared to my left, sternly handed me one, and disappeared just as quickly back into the crowd. At that moment, I suddenly knew what the deal was with this place, and all the people in it, myself included. Apparently we were all in some sort of "dreaming hub," and these punch cards were tied to our waking selves: if we didn't get them punched with that single hole upon entering the Dreaming, we "weren't authorized to keep dreaming there" and we'd have to wake up?" Because if that wasn't punched and you kept dreaming, there was a risk of becoming "lost" from your body and unable to wake up? And this hub was where everyone passed through to get those cards "checked" (almost like ID) on their way back to their bodies in the waking. It was unusual, and somewhat unclear, but there was one thing I DID know for sure: the fact that I was an exception to the rule. I was standing still in this crowd and looking uneasily at the card I had been given. It was somewhat bent and creased, almost through the hole, and that fact bothered me greatly-- not only was I unsure whether or not such a disheveled card was safe to use, but I was also clearly aware that the card I held was not mine. It felt very strongly like it belonged to someone else, which was "supposed to be impossible," as EVERYONE else had their own personal punch card of course… but I was the Sandman's Apprentice, so I DIDN'T. Instead, I would get different punch cards every time I went through this hub, therefore getting a different body depending on what dream-realm I visited (which reminded me very strongly of this dream). But although that was normal, this specific circumstance felt very wrong for some reason, like my going into that body was the worst thing I could do just then. I was getting very nervous, and began saying things like "I don't want to go back into this body" and "you don't understand, I need to keep dreaming," and "I'm the Apprentice, I shouldn't have to worry about this." Surprisingly, the people around me were listening to my comments, and they seemed genuinely concerned, like they knew I was right but had no idea how to help. Again, I was aware that these people also knew that I was the Sandman's Apprentice, and if I was having punch card trouble then it was trouble indeed.
Regardless I knew I had to act. I hurried up the stairs (people were letting me through), but then hit a sort of queue before the second landing where I had no choice but to wait in line. I didn't mind for a moment, though: hanging above us, in the air above the stairwell, was a large, intricate oblong object that seemed to be carved entirely out of wood, amber, and gold. There was a phrase carved into it in gold (I forget what it said, but I think it had to do with the infinity of time and space or something; it was transcendental and deeply comforting), and on each pointed end of the object there was a beautifully carved metal ring, decorated with amber gems. It was about the size of a CD but about half an inch thick, and it made me think of the fancy golden decorations you see in a church. These rings contained three smaller metal rings, each slightly smaller than the other, which moved around the inside of the larger one and actually seemed to spin and curl into themselves in tight spirals as I watched. Then I realized these rings-within-rings were clocks, and when all three little rings managed to line up on top of each other, an hour had gone by. This happened as I watched, and as it did the entire sculpture "dinged" once, like a clear but large bell. I realized it had just turned 1AM. I guess this was an important time for those in the hub, as everyone around me suddenly began milling about in an entirely different manner. Some older man, further down on the walkway, motioned for the crowd's attention (he got it) and began to announce something. I can't quite recall what the exact issue was, but it had something to do with a large chandelier or similar object there in the hub, and the man said that "we needed to find the petition against it." I guess it had been lost, and this wasn't the first time they tried to get the chandelier removed? I didn't know why, let alone what chandelier they were talking about (I didn't see one), but everyone immediately started looking around for it, heading down one of the long walkways as I did so (they were a pale indigo tint, and seemed to be surrounded by fog, past the confines of the actual architecture? almost as if they were suspended high up in the air). I mentally did a "ctrl+F" for the word "chandelier," checking some sort of "source code" for the hub in my head for it, but there were no results. So I kept walking, looking around like everyone else, when I noticed two torn scraps of paper on the ground. Wondering if it was part of this petition, I picked one of them up. It looked blank at first, but when tilted to the light there were clear indentations of letters on it, with faint smudges of purple ink, as if the message on it had been erased and then hurriedly disposed of. The indentations were backwards (they were not visible when I reversed the paper) and half of the message was torn off, but I managed to make out the gist of what it said, and that shocked me. The message said something like "we'll take the messages that were written to (or by) Jewel," as if it were a plot against me. I noticed the letters looked oddly like my own younger handwriting, which was unsettling. Picking up the second paper then, it essentially looked and said the same thing. I had the feeling I was not intended to find these papers, but now I at least knew I was in trouble. An older man standing by me (a few people had gathered around me to see what I had found) asked if that was the petition. I said no, it seemed to be something about me. At this, the man and those around him exchanged very concerned glances, but I hardened my expression and said "you know what? I need to deal with this." I had a really bad feeling about this whole thing, looking at those two torn papers. Another person (I think an old woman) nearby asked me then what this whole situation was about, why was I in such trouble? I replied "all you guys have one body to go to when you dream, when you're not dreaming, et cetera," then added something like "but some people aren't lucky when something happens"? Either way, I then specifically said "I'm not the only person who has access to my body," and expressed that I was worried that one of the "others" in my body had written this note, and therefore I was in jeopardy on an inescapable level. THAT was essentially why I was freaking out over the punch card-- if someone was after me, and I got shuffled into a different body, how could I know that my pursuers weren't going to "take over" my current body, OR that they weren't already in control of the body I was currently assigned to go into? What if something even worse happened? I didn't say those things outright-- in fact, I didn't mention headspace at all for the rest of the dream-- but it was essentially the most important point (and one that even I missed until I woke up!)… my pursuers were not strangers, they were headvoices. And THAT was trouble.
Now this part is blurry up to a certain point. I know I then tried to go back downstairs (back across the walkway to the main area), but I was now very aware that there were two people after me, one man and one woman, although I couldn't be sure where they were exactly. I reached the landing by the higher gateway, and realized that past it, the landing went down in "tiers" like seats in a concert hall, overlooking a large high-ceilinged "lobby" at the bottom of which were two large glass "exit doors." Each tier was rimmed by a rounded metal railing, to keep people from stumbling over the edge (I was currently about 3 floors and several tiers up). As soon as I reached the landing, though, the man and woman who were chasing me burst onto the scene from the left, assumedly from the stairs, and cornered me against the railing. Disturbingly, they had an aura around them that made them seem VERY similar to Knife and Razor (in their old brutal days), although they clearly were not them. But they had similar builds and heights and everything-- and they were carrying the same weapons, which were pointed straight at me. I knew without a doubt that they specifically intended to kill me. For whatever reason, at that moment I noticed that hanging over the railing were two pairs of socks that my mother had actually bought me in the waking that morning. My reaction to them was not confusion, though-- it was unease. I had the bizarre impression that either "I couldn't let them know about the socks" (like that would be a "pointer" to my "default" waking body) OR that they were a reminder for me to "remember something" specific. That wasn't my biggest concern, though. I was still holding my punch card, and was now eyeing it with dogged resolve, thinking "if I don't get this punched, I don't care if I'm the Apprentice, they (the authorities I assume?) are going to send me back and I can't go back." I don't recall if that meant I had to get it punched twice, or if the one I was holding was blank (which would mean it had somehow switched from the one I held earlier). Anyway, I was fully aware that the two people after me knew this too, and were trying to keep me from getting it punched. I looked back over the railing and saw that there was a crowd gathering below, looking up at us with apprehension. Deciding to risk it, I then clambered up over the rail and jumped, down to the ground floor, frustrating my attackers and scaring the people below. I landed safely on my feet, but had no time to recover or answer questions, instead immediately running out through the exit doors. They opened into a closed-in area before a second set of doors (similar to those in the entrances to malls), except it was curved outwards and about 20x15 feet long? The lighting in there was dim and fluorescent, feeling rather sickly. There were also several people huddled on the floor against the far doors, looking at me fearfully. I had the odd impression that they were "homeless" (bodiless??) and were stuck living in that lobby or something. I then noticed that the doors behind them were not doors at all; on the contrary, they were two large gold-colored metal "panels," both severely rusted and damaged, in stark contrast to the clean organic inside of the hub. Behind the panels were two large metal tanks of similar appearance, although they were mostly "hidden" by the rest of the wall. The panel on the right had something on it like a huge twisted cross, but I couldn't tell if there was a body on it or not because of how stained and mangled the whole thing was. The panel on the left was blank, except for a small metal slot in the center, about the size of a checkbook. Either way this room was a dead end. I ran over to the panel on the right and "flipped it around" (I rotated the entire front panel somehow? this was very blurry), revealing something hidden behind it? I reached in and took the hidden thing out. It was a small metal contraption, approximately the size and shape of my handheld voice recorder, but it was made entirely of the same corroded metal as the panels. It was also completely featureless except for a button on the left side, and a deformed, hooked metal protrusion on the top right, about 3 inches long, like an antenna that had been melted somehow. When I squeezed the button on the left, the antenna spit out electric sparks, with a loud buzzing noise. I knew I had to use it "to cut metal," although I also had the strong impression that it could weld things together too. I also knew that the hook part of it had been deformed purposely, in an attempt to keep me from using it, but thankfully it still worked. Instinctually, I knew that I specifically needed to use this weapon to attack the woman who was after me somehow, as it was assumedly the only thing that could hurt her. I clearly felt that this contraption was "my only chance to stop them." I felt a bit more hopeful now, but the instant I turned around to go back into the hub building, the people who were chasing me were there, blocking the doors. There were three of them now, but I didn't have time to see who the third person was, as I immediately spun back around and went to the tank-panel on the left now, opening the slot on it. Inside it was the "paper I was looking for," I guess it was the rest of whatever I had found on the walkway earlier. I saw that the people around the floors were now looking behind me with fright, and I realized I was cornered again. I turned around defensively, holding up the spark contraption, and to my complete surprise, I was now face-to-face with my boss, Mr. Sandman.
From that moment, I was practically lucid in terms of dream clarity, partly because of existential terror. Boss was looking at me with something close to hatred, and holding an X-acto knife. I could feel that it wasn't "really him" energetically-- this was indeed Mr. Sandman, but those two people chasing me were controlling him, and they specifically wanted him to KILL me. Fear and uncertainty slammed into me, and for a moment I didn't think I had the heart to defend myself against him, but in my hesitation I moved just enough to alert him to the spark-box in my hand. Instantly he pulled back and then slashed forwards, cutting a thin line across my left cheek. The pain and injury stunned me, but Mr. Sandman didn't seem fazed by having just attacked his own Apprentice. For a second, I was terrified that maybe he had chosen to join up with my pursuers; maybe he hated me, maybe I had betrayed or completely disappointed him somehow, and I was now his enemy for real. The despair of that thought made me start to tear up, and I started to dissociate somewhat, but (thankfully?) that lapse of coherence gave me enough guts to suddenly lash out with the spark-box, using it to stun him on his right cheekbone. It left a linear burn about an inch long, and the sight of it was jarring enough to my brain ('did I seriously just hurt him?') that for a moment I froze, unable to think. As I did, I think he knocked the spark-box out of my hand, and that shocked me back into awareness. However, Boss was now trying to get some sort of information from me, but he wouldn't clarify what: he just kept demanding I "tell him" something I was clueless to give. With each demand he would slash my face again as a threat to get me talking, leaving one line under another, and I was trapped between him and the wall so I couldn't even move to escape. To be honest, though, I was starting to crumble emotionally to the point where I wasn't even thinking of escape. I just wanted to know why my boss was attacking me, and how I could make all of this stop. I choked out "Boss, what do you want?" but he didn't reply, he just delivered another cut to my face. That last action destroyed my defenses and I fell into outright sobbing as he continued, repeating things like "please, just tell me what you want," "Boss, what do you need from me?" "I'll tell you anything, please just don't hurt me anymore." Mr. Sandman kept slashing at me at first, disregarding my questioning (I don't think even he knew what to answer), but every successive attack was slower and they began to seem more and more forced against his will. His initially furious expression cracked almost instantly as well, and after about ten seconds he was visibly distraught, fighting back tears (and failing). I then knew for sure that he really didn't want to hurt me. However, the two people standing by the doors started to shout and yell at him angrily as he began to "slip," and Boss didn't seem to be able to gain much control over his actions at all, which was very disturbing-- he's a very powerful individual, and for those two people to be able to override his free will, they must be very powerful too.
Now I apologize, but I have almost no idea what happened next here. I think I managed to get the spark-box back off the floor, but all I know for sure is that, somehow, Boss and I were then able to turn on the two people controlling him, and we "won against them" in some way that didn't involve fighting or attacking. My clear memory picks up with Boss and I standing by the lobby doors, with the woman lying unconscious on the floor, completely covered in what looked like solid gold (I had the impression that the gold was actually an incredibly dense shell of dream dust, and Boss had somehow completely incapacitated her with it). Her arms were held up against her chest in a cringing position, and her eyes were shut very tight. She was grimacing dramatically, showing all of her teeth, which were all of a much darker gold than the rest of her. She also seemed "frozen," like a statue, as Boss was carrying her form by the arm but her body wasn't even moving from gravity or motion. Anyway, we opened the doors to enter the lobby, and ended up right back on the tier I had jumped from, next to the gateway back to the main hub. Boss was talking to someone there as I listened, I think it was one of the authorities for that building as he was wearing a silver suit. But Boss was telling that man (who seemed markedly inhuman; I think draconic) that this woman had been the one who wrote the messages I found, and she had been orchestrating all sorts of malicious plans against me. (I don't know about the man; he effectively "disappeared" after the woman was knocked out.) Boss then smiled as if he had remembered something and turned to me, saying not to worry about the punch card situation, as he "had it covered." We then walked through the gateway, Boss still dragging the frozen figure, and I was surprised to find we were back in my cousin's house, except now it felt like early nighttime (there was faint starlight coming through the windows). I was a bit hesitant, fearing I'd "wake someone up," but Boss confidently walked across the landing to the overlook, and past it to where there was a hall like the one in my house, with two bedroom doors on the right. He stopped at the first one (the door was open) and I looked in. It resembled my grandfather's room, but oddly, Mr. and Mrs. Claus (as in Santa) were lying in the bed, watching television. There was also a very tiny old woman standing by the bed, about the size of a child, with grey hair in a bun and coke-bottle spectacles. I got the odd impression that she was the Tooth Fairy? I didn't really see how Mrs. Claus looked, but Santa was actually in his Rise of the Guardians incarnation, as North. Boss warmly waved to all of them from the door, smiling, and essentially said that "we were sorry for taking up their time and making such a mess." I bowed my head to agree, rather self-consciously, as I felt I was responsible for this whole disaster. The old Tooth Fairy smiled widely and made a hand motion like she was 'waving it off,' saying "oh, don't worry, everything's fine." North then chimed in, adding "she's right, don't worry about it; we understand you guys have important business to do." Boss smiled back in gratitude, nodding, then turned to me, saying "we need to get this person taken care of before you have to leave," indicating the gold-frozen figure we were still carrying. He then smiled again and said "let's take her to Toothiana," the Tooth Fairy from Rise of the Guardians. Almost immediately Boss "warped" us to her place: we were now standing on one of the flat rock faces, with all the big cages hanging in the air to our left. The entire room seemed to shine gold as well. Almost immediately Toothiana fluttered over from around a wall to the right, I guess she had heard us arrive. When she saw who we were, she clapped her hands and grinned ecstatically, flying over to Mr. Sandman and giving him an enthusiastic welcoming hug. For whatever reason, seeing that they already were on good terms made me feel like I had to be "formal" and refer to Toothiana by her "real name," so I began "looking up translations" for her name in my head. Apparently her name was largely "untranslatable," but in some Eastern languages, it ended up being some variation of "Angela." However I knew this was also not her complete name, so I was debating whether it would even be respectful to call her "Angela" or "Angie" or "Angelique" or the like-- but as I was still deciding, she fluttered over to me. I faltered for a second, unsure of what to say, and I guess she knew it; she smiled in a way that seemed to say "you don't need to try so hard, it's okay," and then swept me into an equally warm hug. As soon as she let me go, Boss began to explain to her why we were there: the gold-frozen woman we had brought with us apparently had something in her teeth that was causing her maliciousness? It was like there was malevolent energy locked in them, so we brought her here for Toothiana to take the teeth out and assumedly lock them away safely or otherwise deal with them. She said she'd take care of it and called over a small cloud of her hummingbird assistants to help, as Boss thanked her. I was badly slipping at this point; everything was getting blurry and I was starting to dissociate, to the point where I wasn't sure if I'd be able to fall asleep, or hold my dream-self stable. Sure enough, right here there was a sudden warp in the dreamscape.
I was now in third person view, seeing a room full of little girls (like 5-7 years) and a few older teenage girls, looking at this bunch of pink clothing in a large box in the middle of the room. The older girls were acting like chaperones, handing out outfits and making sure no one got out of hand. It seemed to me as if they were part of a dance class or something. Anyway, the little girls started to put on the outfits, which were all very frilly and lacy, but were thin and silky to the point where they looked more like nightwear than anything. However, I then noticed that directly "in front" of my viewpoint there was one little girl who had not moved to join the others, and had actually been standing off to the side the entire time. I was aware that I was "tied" to her as my viewpoint anchor here, meaning that my perspective would follow her as if I was watching over her shoulder, because she was allegedly "who I was supposed to be" at that age. I guess her body would have been "mine" if I was in her place, so to speak. This would have been fine if I didn't suddenly realize that this little girl was JULIE. Sure enough, she had her thin blonde hair pulled into two small pigtails, and although I couldn't 'see' her face from that angle, I could feel this unsettling aura about her, like smugness but more spiteful. As soon as I noticed who she was, she purposefully walked up to the box at the center of the room, and began rifling through it. The other girls had all stopped chattering and were watching her cautiously, and then the little Julie suddenly held up the outfit she had picked out, a sly grin on her face. She immediately began changing into it, but the chaperone teens had jumped up at this and started telling her "you can't wear that," but uneasily so, like they couldn't believe what she was doing. Julie snapped back "but I want to wear it," asking why she wasn't allowed to. One of the teens awkwardly started saying things like "well, the colors really aren't right… and it might not fit you…" then trailed off. I could tell she wanted to say "that's highly inappropriate," but didn't want to explain why, especially since all the other little girls were staring confusedly at Julie like "why would you want to wear that?" To clarify: all the other girls were wearing rather fun-looking clothes, that were baggy or princessy or the like. Julie was trying on what looked like something a Playboy model would wear, but disturbingly, it was in a child's size. Her stomach was completely exposed, the top was mostly sheer, and the bottoms were closer to garters than pants. The entire getup was light pink and lacy, and skintight to boot. She had it fully on and was starting to pose in a pinup-style manner, which caused the chaperone girls to outright jump up and try to get her to change out of it, and I was getting really disturbed too. I suppose that was enough to get me out of there, because my vision got incredibly blurry very fast, and within moments, the shapeless haze reformed into the scenery of Toothiana's palace, where I had "zoned out" barely a minute ago.
Mr. Sandman was standing a few feet away from me, looking rather concerned at my disorientation. I gave myself a few seconds to get a grip, then dizzily explained "Sandman, I think I'm slipping… I think I'm waking up." I really didn't like that feeling. Boss smiled gently, and said something like "if you need to wake up, then wake up. Don't worry, I'll take care of everything from now on. As long as you're all right." I smiled back, but it was a pained smile. I didn't want to leave my boss so suddenly after all that had just happened. I felt awful, and I wanted to at least apologize, and make sure he was all right too. I guess he sensed this, as he then called me over to him. When I reached him, he immediately put his hands on my shoulders and gave me this incredibly sad look. He said that he was deeply sorry for having attacked me earlier, to which I replied that I was sorry for attacking him too. (There was a red scar on his cheek where I had burnt him, and just looking at it was painful.) We didn't say anything for a few seconds after that, but his eyes were already full of tears and I guess seeing that just broke my heart. I felt like I was about to start crying too just from the pain of it, when he reached out and pulled me into a sad but sincere kiss. I didn't even question it-- we had both just escaped death, it seemed, and that was the only way to properly express the jumble of emotions we had about having both survived. I do remember that at the last second I held one hand up against his face, in a way like a reassurance, or a thank-you. After that, Mr. Sandman apologized once more, for what I don't know, then added that if I wanted to wake up now, I could. I paused for a moment, reviewing everything that had just happened in my head, but the slow intrusion of reality into my senses was confusing me badly, and frankly it was scaring me a little. I knew I only had a few seconds left, so I decided to be honest. I quickly asked my boss "is all of this real?" or "does this place really exist?" because the entire experience of the dream hub and the punch cards and all that, despite being awesome, was so utterly unlike what I was used to that I wasn't sure whether or not it was genuine. But my fears were erased in an instant, because no sooner had I posed the question than Mr. Sandman gave me one of the broadest smiles I've ever seen, and simply said… "what do you think?"
And that's when I woke up.



Seriously though THAT WAS INCREDIBLE.
I do want to reiterate that whoever those pursuers were, they were NOT Knife and Razor. However, they might have been "personifications" of their old energy, the hateful and manic rage that they were born from and are now trying to leave behind. It's not unheard of for Julie and/or the Tar to use such leftover energy, so it's a warning sign too-- especially since this month has been swarming with dream hacks, to say the least.
Also, I never figured out just what sort of information they were trying to get from me, by manipulating my boss, but I'll tell you what… I cannot remember the last time I was that scared in a dream. Seriously, who decides to mind-control a Sandman?! That's insane! Who are these people, that they can DO that sort of thing, and that they would use that immense power JUST to try and kill me in the second most emotionally horrific way possible? I'm honestly still very shaken from it, as is my boss, but we're at least on guard now so that's better than nothing.
…That's just the half of it though. Lately, Boss has been slipping when he visits me in the waking, too. And prior to the past month, before the reset, NO ONE could touch him. He was impervious. So now, all of a sudden, to see that he's the target of the same people that are trying to kill me… and they're actually getting to him... it's rather frightening. I feel very helpless, especially in the aftermath of what this year has shaped up to be so far.
I can only thank God that Laurie isn't dead, because she is still utterly invincible as far as this is concerned, and if I let her know how bad this is getting I'm sure she'll find out who is responsible and kick their ass quickly enough, haha.

I love Mr. Sandman's response to my departing question though. Reflecting on it now, the truth of it is totally clear-- Sandmen visit so many dream worlds that it's impossible (and rather ridiculous) to say that "this is real but this is not," or anything along those lines. There are infinite possibilities, and any of them can be visited, if you know how to get there.
Also, I just want to amusedly note that the punch cards were approximately the same color and size as the LGBT-center card I'm using as a bookmark in my Animorphs book right now. So of course I punched a hole in it when I woke up.

 



 

prismaticbleed: (held)

 


Hey there.

 

So, after a month of headspace and everyone in it being presumably dead-- there was total silence and my entire self-image reset-- people are showing up again.
It's a shock, but a good one, for once. Everyone seems to have reset in order to come back. Old roles and functions no longer apply. It seems that whatever this semi-deletion was, it was necessary in order to completely change the lives we all had upstairs.

 

Somewhat ironically, and hilariously in my opinion, our new therapist has already voiced that "it sounds like you have Dissociative Identity Disorder" and we have spent the past 3 sessions discussing headspace in one way or another. This is completely new, especially since I've been at it alone for the first time in my life lately. Not even Sherlock is still around to offer his logical assistance.

 

 

On that note, our 50+ lineup has... shrunk, dramatically, after whatever happened with Infinitii in August that basically caused headspace to implode.

So far, Knife, Razor, Sugar, Jeremiah, David, Josephina, and Laurie are confirmed alive, although somewhat unstable yet. (The Undergrounders in general seem surprisingly unscathed.)
Mulberry and Marigold are both in very ill health, but they still have bodies, even if they're not conscious yet.
Julie, Missy, and Bridget are all still alive but, unfortunately, Julie reset to her ORIGINAL introject function... which means she is technically a severe threat once again. However, with the new System functions she hasn't been able to hack us... at least not consciously. There have been like five dream-hacks so far this month (those are traumatic but at least they can be forgotten easier) which is a disturbing new record of sorts, and she's even trying to get at my boss! He's understandably a little freaked out but we're dealing. We'll figure something out.
Julie also killed the sage-colored guy shortly after the reset, so he's confirmed gone.

 

Everyone else is presumed to be "between life and death" right now, meaning they didn't literally die so it's possible for them to reset. Laurie's been trying to fill me in on this (she has been trying really hard to re-manifest SINCE the reset; you should see the synchronicity she's been throwing at me) but she's still too woozy from the whole thing to talk much yet.

 

Anyway, there's a lot to talk about and no time to write it here.
The biggest change, besides the system role resets, seems to be that I no longer have a solid identity and as such, it is nigh impossible for me to enter headspace anymore. I can see it, and people can send messages to me, but I can't go in there until I get a body.
Oddly, both Laurie and Knife seem against this. I am functioning FAR better without a fixed identity than I EVER did with one, and I'm healing psychological scars at an incredible rate. So the current upstairs verdict is that "I can only talk to them on therapy days unless there is an emergency," at least until we get a better grip on this whole situation.
There's still near-constant dissociation, memory is still near-nonexistent, and it's still no less difficult to function in a body, but at least now we're dealing with triggers better? I think so.

 

I apologize if this is mostly jargon. I just wanted to update and inform whatever readers we have that no, we are not dead, although I sure thought we were for a while there.

 

Our main goal is to heal completely, and for our System to no longer be a coping mechanism for trauma, but something completely independent and detached from that old pain and suffering.
We're doing pretty well so far, I'd say.

 

Best wishes to all of you. I'll keep you posted.

 

-"J"

 

 


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@9:03 AM

 

WE'RE MOVING!!

 

Since this journal holds energy from as far back as the 2010 suicide attempt, and includes all of the post-Scratch pain and suffering from this year, I think it's safe to say that we need to move!
Energy sticks and the struggles this one documented are no longer part of our lives, at least, not if we have anything to say about it.
Yes, "we." To my complete surprise and joy, everyone isn't dead! For most of August I would have swore that they were, but I suppose life had other plans. But we'll talk about that later.
Journal switches only follow BIG changes in our life, as they completely alter the mood and style of our regular updates, and effectively "start again" on a new note. Considering that we just experienced a massive System reset of sorts, I'd say a switch is all but required at this point!
So, until further notice, this is going to be our new address.

http://spectrumheart.dreamwidth.org/

I can't guarantee we'll update much-- Laurie and Knife have both agreed that I should spend most of my time working on the League Worlds, and only heavily work with headspace on therapy days or in emergencies-- but if anything big happens, or needs to be written down, that will be the new place to go.
See you around!

 

 

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