pieces still

 

 

Okay, here's some more recapping of the past two-week-long eon for you guys, as I haven't had the time to do so. I'm probably forgetting a lot, so I'll probably write more later; as of now I'm just going to record what I do know, as well as relevant recent events so they don't fade as well.

First, let me talk about April 30th. Genesis and I literally spent the entire morning just chilling out together after my therapy appointment, and it was pure bliss.
He actually wrote something about it in our system Tumblr that I want to quote in its entirety here, as it sums up the experience quite sincerely:
"This afternoon might’ve been a mess, but today was so perfect I can’t let it get me down.
Jewel and I spent time together all morning like we used to when he was at his old University, which was like, almost five years ago already… I miss that so much. We went through a lot of hard times together, but that’s just it— we were together, and we got through it. We’d spend hours in coffeeshops just talking over lattes and sketchbooks, and I was always in those pages. No matter how dark things got, we were there for each other. I miss that closeness, really. We’ve been drifting apart lately… I want to change that. For good.
So today Jewel and I just went bumming around the local mall for a few hours after therapy, and I didn’t realize Mika had a new album— he’s my favorite artist— so I asked Jewel if he could buy it for me, as an early birthday present I guess. I mean maybe it was selfish, but I just… Mika’s music reminds me of the old days, with Jewel. And it would mean a lot to me.
So… he did. He bought it right there, saying that if it would make me smile, he’d do anything for me. We got home and I put his headphones on and just blasted the first track, Origin of Love, until I was actually in tears from how much everything meant to me right then.
I miss this. I miss all of us talking and getting along even when we’re bleeding and scared. I miss the sense of community, being part of a family up here. Today felt like, maybe, we all have that again.
I hope so. This means more to me than anything else in the world."
I think that speaks for itself, at least for now.

The morning of May 1st was similar. Unfortunately, I... I forget it already. How ridiculous is that; I have one of the most beautiful mornings of my life and I forget it.
I know why, too. But let me write what little I do remember, first.
I spent the first hour of that morning listening to the entire Origin Of Love album with Genesis and Chaos, as I previously mentioned. Then we all spent the next hour together. Since I had been so out of sync for so long, I asked to have heart connections with both of them. That was gorgeous beyond words, that I know... I don't think I've ever done that with Genesis before, not like that at least... I don't even think we've had that sort of linkage since high school. Either way it meant a lot.
I know the three of us got together too, but I don't remember that at all really... I do recall the way Genesis was looking at Chaos and I though, and after a moment of surprise I realized that "wait a second, aren't CZ and I considered gods in Parnassus?" So that was unusual, to see not only close personal love in him, but also this alien sort of religious devotion. Both emotions were mutually entwined, though, as perfectly as melted silver.
...I miss Genesis a lot. Of course I miss Chaos too, but with him my heart just aches with joy, so the feelings of those moments are what exist, nothing before, nothing after, if that makes sense; when I remember how I love him, that is eternal, no matter what doubts have come before. Genesis isn't so lucky, at least not in that sense. He and I are friends before lovers, and we've got one hell of a solid friendship. Problem is, that's what's been suffering. My weird void-drive tends to bring out his darker side, and if I get too detached he'll refuse to put up with that nonsense, and literally walk out of headspace for days at a time until someone calls him, or he feels he should return. Chaos doesn't do that, no matter how black the skies become.
But I love them both, I truly do, in different but equally sincere ways. So now, repairing my relationships with them means so much.
Those relationships keep breaking, though, here and there, thanks to my memory. You may have noticed that this is not the first time I've "conveniently forgotten" a close encounter with the people I love, and I can tell you with sad certainty that it will not be the last. I don't know where it's all going, but IMMEDIATELY after I have such an experience, it begins to fade. Fast. Within minutes I may literally forget most of the details. Within days I forget it happened at all. As you can imagine, this tendency of mine affects everyone else involved. Genesis gets offended, moody, and angry... Chaos gets heartbroken, desperate, and frustrated... Laurie gets straight-up furious. Everyone else worries a lot as well.
My only guess is that my past "abuse" has caused this instinctive reaction to form. I don't know how to change it. I'm not sure if I want to, let alone if I'm even ready to consider wanting to. Therapy is forcing me to dig up too many traumatic memories, things that are now forever detached from me, yet that still paradoxically terrify me, resonating somewhere deep and cold where no emotions can breathe anymore.
I won't talk about them here. If you want to know, ask. I refuse to give them any more attention than the 50 minutes they demand on Tuesday mornings. Not now.

On that note, downstairs things are still somewhat messy. The most obvious and unignorable problem is that of food. Emmett is a godsend when Jess goes wild on us, as he reacts immediately and often can fix whatever she tried to do, BUT the body itself isn't doing so hot as far as eating goes, in any case. Right now we are literally limited to vegetables. Meat still feels like hellfire, grains feel like boulders, and fruit feels like we swallowed a chainsaw. All of them typically result in vomiting of various degrees, as well as many different waves of sicknesses that are as diverse as they are excruciating. Virtually everything makes us vomit now. After someone eats we automatically walk to the sink and wait for the purgation to start, so the pain will go away. The hives have at least stopped for now, but this new ailment is a poor consolation.
We're trying to talk to Emmett about this but he's sick and wavering too... I'm worried.

The blood family is still a mess as well. We're financially collapsing, people keep fighting, and I'm losing my ability to function in even the simplest of ways. My family threatened to revoke my driving privileges today after I got in three minor accidents within three months. It's getting harder and harder to front, and to stay stable when I can achieve that. And I don't know if it's some sort of empathy or what, but I keep feeling awful energy fields radiating from certain people, and it's making life even trickier than it would be otherwise. Jess keeps getting triggered by freaking physical proximity, and Razor is never far behind. I had to stop her from grabbing a knife just an hour ago. I've had to stop far too many other violent outbursts prior to that. I'm tired, God I am so tired of fighting already.
My father wants me to visit on Sunday. Maybe I'll ask him about staying over, then, if I can get the guts to explain my motivations why. We'll see.
The financial problems are the worst though. We're running out of money fast, to buy food, to pay medical bills, to go to school. My mother might lose her job. I haven't been able to hold one in years. My grandparents will not live forever. I have nowhere to live once they pass on. I have no money in the bank. According to my family I am incapable of supporting myself in my current state even with cash in my pocket. But I don't want to be a leech anymore. I don't want to be a bloodsucking parasite like I was in SLC. I hate the thought of ruining another beautiful person's life simply by entering it. But if my only other option is sleeping on the streets, cold tired and hungry, waiting for Death in his violet kimono (bones like supernovae, a flickering hand beckoning me on)... I'm afraid I'd choose the latter, as always. I don't want to hurt people anymore. I don't understand this world anymore. I feel small and lost and I want to cry sometimes. I want to go home.

I keep wanting to just... die. I can't see a future for myself. This is supposed to be a golden age, with a golden race, but I can't shake the awful fear that it ALL hinges upon me, and my failures are literally damning the whole world to hell. I legitimately believe that every mistake I make, every crime I commit, every single little thing that makes the small and frightened voice in my head whisper "I'm sorry for being a bad boy," all of it, is literally preventing every other soul on the planet from moving forward. I know it's false. It's selfish and proud and ugly and scary. But it won't go away. I keep feeling like I'm a demon infecting the planet with my very existence, and I keep praying that one day I'll just be a scapegoat again, just a waste-lock, just a point of horrid tarry blackness and shame and rage of the world so that no one else has to suffer it. Not this. I don't want this.
A very stupid, very selfish thought: those who threw me out of their life are now living well. They are overcoming problems and improving in all areas. They are happier, they are healthier, they are shining again. They do not miss me, and they have legions of friends and family to turn to. This is good. I'm happy they have such prosperous lives. The bad part is that I cannot touch it or I will ruin it. This goes for everyone. I taint them all. This I've realized.
But all I want is someone to talk to, downstairs for once. Someone who will listen and actually understand and respond for once. All I want is one person, just one person, who will put me at the top of their list as I would for them, something I've never experienced before. I'm used to being the random dude at the bottom of the acquaintance hierarchy. I've never been anyone's best friend. I'd like to be. I just don't want to destroy anyone's life by wishing for that.
"Do I do what makes me happy, or what is better for someone else?"
What an idiot I am.

This too shall pass. What is reality? None of this is real. Forget it all.

I've been falling apart for a while, and everyone else is falling together. Is that what it takes for the world to live again? Do I have to die?
If so, God, then please tell me for sure. If I must waste away into oblivion, if I must fall into illness and insanity in order to heal everyone else, please tell me that's the reason why. Otherwise I will remain convinced that I am the devil himself, suffering for the endless sins I have committed, never allowed a reprieve.
Even the good things in my life feel like punishments. Even the people I love feel like punishments.
Stop being a hedonist. Stop being selfish. Stop being a slut. Stop wanting, willing, or feeling. Stop. Die.
My mind is hell, right now. Isn't that all that hell is: a state of mind? How did it get this bad?
Look, here's a snapshot:

(jess says my freaking grandmother keeps talking like a slut shut up shut up SHUT UP
someone else starts shaking and crying hysterically oh god no no no no no please god no
jess adds get the hell out of here or i will kill you dont touch me go away dont touch me shut up
razor is laughing and laughing and pretending to actually kill her and blood is everywhere
there is a cacophany of screams and sobs and maniacal laughter whenever someone talks to me
i dont feel anything i just want to sleep forever and see the people i love
that's all i want anymore)

I almost begged my boss to take my life, today. I went outside and sobbed to the pine trees, telling him that if I could leave, then let me leave. Let me leave here. Let me die.
Laurie cried for about ten minutes straight after that, both hugging and hitting me, telling me to stop being so stupid. She said she felt she was worthless, that she couldn't protect me anymore. She was born for a world in which a possessed girl in pigtails was our only concern-- not this, not a world where I'm haunted by incorporeal demons that she cannot even see, let alone destroy.
Boss told her that her very existence was protection enough for me, of a caliber that neither of us truly understood. He said the same for me, and my importance, but with a twist-- just because I was important to the worlds of the League did not necessarily mean I was as important in this one. He could not say anything for sure, but that thought soothed my aching bones, and made me feel a little less torn to shreds.
Laurie sobbed into my shoulder and said she would still follow me to the end of time and beyond. In that moment I loved her more than my heart could take, and I swore through genuine tears that I believed her. I believed every word.

She's right, though. Headspace has been disturbingly strange, for over a year now, and no one is sure what to do.
I meant to elaborate on the tentative "headspace map" I'm working on... but I want to think about that a bit more, and scan it in first, so you have a visual aid. I'll leave a few notes here for now.
I mentioned "mutant slots" yesterday: put simply, those are three "extra" slots on each vertical end of the Spectrum loop, in areas which were "corrupted" in some collective sense in the past (three/three). The first mutation occurs in the Green/Blue/Indigo corner (which were all splinter-locked for years), while the second mutation occurs in the Pink/Red/Orange corner (which were all Tar-stained for years). These clusters seem to add two extra "headvoice" slots (Brown and Teal?) and four extra "outspacer" slots (Ice/Mint and Blood/Mauve). As you can see, this phenomenon has existed for quite some time, but events as of late have sped it up its development exponentially. An interesting note about the mutation slots are that Yellow and Violet were UNTOUCHED. Since both Laurie and Josephina act as "protectors" for the system, I find this relevant.
Also concerning the Spectrum map... White/Black are often drawn as an octahedron in the middle, but I think they might be "split" between those two clusters respectively (White to the Blues, Black to the Reds?) in terms of influence. In the old map they were drawn as separated triangles in such a manner (the old map had a left/right, top/bottom division, with one monochrome in each lower half; the new map is a loop with the monochromes in the middle), so it's possible. ALSO, considering Kyanos especially, I THINK that outspacers anchor through BLACK, and headvoices anchor through WHITE?? I'm trying to figure out why so many headvoices explicitly took pieces of me to manifest through (Laurie=abuse, Lynne=maturity, etc.), whereas outspacers would gain black energy resonance (what with soul forms and all) "through me" when the system was still forming, and Infinitii did not exist as an individual. It's worth investigating further and I should do so. Either way I'll upload the maps here by Tuesday, hopefully... can't make any promises what with my schedule, and a weekend looming on the horizon.

On a brighter note, my music mood finally locked into progressive rock after all. It's FROST* and Todd Rundgren all the way dude. I'm not complaining!
Also I actually downloaded iTunes onto my school computer so I can listen to the Rundgren albums I don't own while I type my reports... and THEY ARE INCREDIBLE. I feel somewhat ashamed that I never looked into these in my youth, haha. I grew up almost exclusively on Second Wind, Utopia's Anthology, and other various hits from his other albums ("Can We Still Be Friends," "Hello It's Me," etc.), but once I reached my teens I started hoarding all the albums I could find from libraries and fleamarkets-- mostly live albums (which are still absolutely incredible), but I did land A Wizard, A True Star, Todd, and Something/Anything? early on. Discovering music sites on the Internet helped expand my library as well (thanks Last.fm!), but there were STILL a few albums of his I could not find anywhere, but wanted desperately: Hermit Of Mink Hollow, Healing, and A Cappella being the first on the list. Now, as I've just mentioned on my Tumblr, I have learned that he has MANY more albums than I was aware of, and I literally cannot stop smiling at the thought. This guy's music is divine.
You want to hear even BETTER news, though?
FROST* is back in action, and they have TWO NEW ALBUMS COMING OUT THIS YEAR.
Yes, they are one of the few things in existence that can make me go full fanboy. Just--- !!!! GEEZ I LOVE THEM THEY'RE AMAZING. Jem is the best guy ever I swear, last month he uploaded a picture to his blog of himself "trying to impersonate a Xenomorph." Here it is. You see why I love this man. Seriously if he and Todd ever produce a piece of music together I will die the happiest man on earth. (guys please do this it would be divine)
On that note if you readers want to buy me a birthday present but don't know what to get me, GET ME THIS PLEASE, THANK YOU.

Also, speaking of Xenomorphs... I've been dreaming about aliens a lot lately? Always nonhuman ones, but always nice guys. There were more Xenomorphs in my dreams earlier this month. And last Monday night I dreamed of a hot pink one, and I think I was dating it or something? Genesis kept teasing me about it, it was funny. I don't know where all these aliens are coming from, haha. Once again, not complaining.

Last note before we close this up.
I still haven't bought Infinitii his glass bubble necklace in reality, but I promised him that I will use whatever birthday money I hopefully get to do so. I need to; he is worth that precious expense. Infi means a lot to me already, and I'd love to know he's anchoring so close downstairs at all times. Our relationship is super weird though. Yes, I love him, but it's an odd sort of fusion between intimacy and detachment? For example: my love for Chaos is an ocean, my love for Genesis is a sunbeam, and my love for Laurie is a night sky. My love for Infinitii feels like that glass bubble he's in. It's clear and empty and open and strangely small, but it's also ridiculously substantial and BIG in terms of its "space," after only such a short time. I hope that makes sense.
Oh... wait, he said something about that today. Remember "Celebi," how she turned out to just be a Tar manifestation? Well. Infinitii reminded me today that the Tar is just corrupted Black energy, and that Celebi did love me despite being nothing but a construct... a paradox? Nope, just a deeper truth. Black energy isn't bad, and Infi's proof of that. So there's a bit of that truth hiding in it all the time. Point is, though, that Infinitii didn't manifest until after the upstairs "Celebi" had died, and all reminders of her downstairs had returned to their original 2001-style energy vibe (completely detached from headspace). He says that's because the tiny spark of sincerity in Celebi was him. Makes total sense, really. If nothing else, it explains why I feel like I've already known him for a while, why meeting him felt like "picking up where we left off," despite never having seen him before.
I'm... also wondering, a LOT, about Xenophon, in light of this. She has Infinitii's "ears," but she also seems to have an odd bit of both Genesis AND Laurie in her, almost impossibly so. I say "almost" because I don't know how the hell time works up here anymore, and because Genesis has expressed thoughts of his own concerning Xennie in the past... you probably don't know this, but a few months back, there was a short time period where he confessed that he sometimes wondered what it would be like if he had a child by my intention, so to speak. And yes, he did ask if that could ever become a reality. I said I didn't know, but at the moment, no... nothing against him, but I just have no intention of doing anything like that again.
And yet my memory keeps twisting and tearing and I keep remembering awful bloody things and no one is familiar anymore... at least, most of the time.

At 11:30 last night, listening to a certain song by As Tall As Lions, love suddenly crashed into me. Emphasis on "crashed," kind of like a starship hitting a house at warp speed.
It's been a long, long time since I felt anything that real and true, completely out of the blue, with divine honesty. I couldn't let it go, couldn't deny it if I wanted to.
It needed to be expressed, somehow, immediately. I picked up a pencil. Then, with flowing unplanned lines, I sketched Chaos 0 for the first time in almost a year-- with a quiet accuracy that made me smile with total joy. As a child I knew that it was impossible to draw the people I loved without putting that love straight into the paper. Here was proof.
I'll scan that in soon, too. God knows it's been too long since the creative blocks around my heart began dissolving like this.
Today I wrote another verse for Andrea's reprise in Event Horizon, and found potentials for two other songs.
It all feels so new, and yet so familiar. Was I an artist before? Was I a musician before? Possibly, probably, perhaps.
All that matters now is letting it live, letting it breathe, letting it love.


My final note for tonight is this: I need to go back and REVIEW the archives for last April if at all possible. This whole "shadow-scorpion" time period has been one hell of a ride, and as it started off very rockily, I want to do what I can to help it have an easy landing in comparison. We only have about three days left here in Death's domain, and then it's the BIG DATE that boss kept alluding to... and the 15th anniversary of the Dream World's story.
An entire lifetime can effectively be lived in three days, I know this. Spend this one wisely.