and you are with me

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH WALDORF KALLIOPE JEWEL LIGHTRAYE
XENOPHON LEPHISE  CHAOS ZERO GENESIS APOLYMIS



All right, let's get this show on the road.

What are we discussing dad?

Uh, whatever things we need to clear up or clear out before Friday.

Do you have a list?

Kind of. We should really introduce you first, though.

Already ahead of you! Hey readers, I'm Waldorf, Jewel's old muse and new blue headvoice! Woo!

Yeah! She's really nice guys.

Can I just say that I find it hilarious that we always shout out to the invisible audience?

Hey, someone's gotta acknowledge them.

Whatever you say kid. But let's get back on track. First topic is?

Let me check... there's a few things here we need to wait until later to discuss, when Chaos and Genesis get in here.

Chaos and Genesis are talking too? When?

After you and Wally leave.

Awww I wanna talk to daddy too!

You can talk to your other dad later, Xen. The four of us need to discuss some heavy stuff later and no offense, but I think you'd just get confused.

Mmph. Probably. Fine.

Hehe, she's pouting.

I'm pouting cause I wanna talk to you guys about that stuff too!

Xennie, really, if it was a topic you could deal with I'd invite you. But it's not. So chill out, you're not missing much.

Fiiine.

Fiiiiiine!

So fine, you don't even know.

Hee!

Hey, no injokes. We're on a time limit here.

We are?

Yeah. It's already 4PM and Jewel's sick. These sessions take like six bloody hours without interruptions, so we can't spare a moment today.

Can we talk for fun some other day then?

I'd love to actually. Hey Jewel?

Yeah?

When January rolls around, you wanna try the one-talk-a-week thing that fell through last year?

Heck yes.

Good. I'm holding you to that, then.

Please do.

On that note. Topic one, unity. Right?

Yeah. Inside and out, really.

You mean like talking to us more?

Obviously. With the 21st going down in two days, which is going to be incredible, we all need to put more effort into spending time with each other. No more solo acts, no more hiding in the corners. That goes for all of us. Genesis included.

I've been taking steps toward that, as you know.

Why, is Genesis hiding?

No, he's just not around. Not in Central at least.

Why?

Spending time with people who are also outside of it, which I'm not happy about either. You know, we really should go back to the daily roll call as well, or whatever the heck you called that.

The nightly meetings you mean?

Yes. Those helped a heck of a lot. Problem is they started turning into a whole different thing when Chaos, Genesis and I were the only ones who showed up.

Ooh, what sort of thing?

Don't giggle at me, you know exactly what I mean.

That's why I'm giggling, duh!

Fine. But back to unity. Jewel, I think our biggest concern is actually downstairs in that respect.

That's kind of tough. I mean I spend time with my family as much as I can, but this is a small c--

I don't mean right now. I mean in the future. Yeah, there's not many people around here. But take the bloody effort to connect with people anyway. Go hang out in coffeeshops and type like you used to or something.

Also I'll be getting a new job soon, hopefully.

Hopefully is right. I know you have mental trouble with the mask thing. But we'll get you a job somewhere, kid. Just don't worry about that right now. Too much other stuff is happening, that's more important than a job right now.

Ironically.

It's not ironic at all. It's the truth and you know it.

Ah, can we go back to the unity bit?

Sure. You have something to say?

Not really. But communication is my playing field. For a while I know that's what kept Jewel from 'unity' with people downstairs.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Then what is? You're saying go out and connect with people--

Yeah, but you don't need to talk to do that. Everyone's already united, we just need to be aware of it. Right?

Exactly.

So, do that. Go out and be that. That's all I'm concerned about right now, is you sharing this. I know that's all you want.

It is.

Then do it. Simple as that.

Even if he's not talking? How does that work?

You don't need to say anything if the goal is already accomplished, Waldorf. I mean sure, he can talk, but that's not the most important thing. Let's put it this way... say he goes into a public place and no one wants to so much as look at him. Who cares? Focus on unity anyway. Heck, do that whether you're around people or not! But we need to be around people to do that more effectively now, I think. I don't know.

No, it makes sense. This is an isolated little house up here, and too much of that doesn't help one's worldview at all. You can't say you love people and then never be around them, so to speak.

Exactly. So you get it. Wally, Xennie, how about you?

I get it! I wanna see more people too, they're cool. As long as they don't step on me.

They won't step on you, you're too fast.

Hee hee!

Where could Jewel go, though? It's not like he's in school anymore.

He's trying to go back in the spring, you know.

Oh, that's true then? I thought we were just considering it?

Nope, as long as we've got the cash, we're going.

Awesome!

Tell me about it. All right then, second point? Jewel?

Hold up, I want to add one more thing to the unity bit.

Sure, what is it?

I'm thinking that might actually tie into my metainomen in a significant sense?

What, the Seer of Love? How's that?

Well, you said, "everyone's already united, we just need to be aware of it." But awareness of that unity is only possible through love, and through seeing with love. That's what connects every heart, beyond all superficial and temporal differences. In the end, love surpasses it all, with golden threads of eternity, and here I go getting poetic, haha.

No dad that's good!! I like when you get all poet-y. It's pretty.

Thanks, sweetheart. But yeah, that's what I'd be doing with other people, as a "Seer," in the sense of helping other people remember unity. "Seer" is a Biblical role, after all-- it's someone who has been blessed with divine visions, for the sake of God's people, to help guide them in the Way of Love. I hope I'm not mangling the definition, I know I'm being a bit loose with the language...

Nah, I'm getting the gist of it. But that's an important point, too-- it's an active role. You don't just see those things for your own entertainment. They're given to you, to be shared, for a greater purpose. 

And that purpose is, ultimately, unity. Colossians 3:14, really. Everything God gives us is meant to bring us into His Heart, through love, as one people. And that's just... the most important thing in the world, really, even up here in headspace. We, very specially as a System, exist FOR love and unity. It's the baseline of what we are, and who we are. So... as a Seer, I'd be doing what I'm trying to do now, haha.

Helping other people see love?

Basically. He's blessed with these insights and he rambles on about them like that and we're all better off for it.

Thanks, Laurie. I know I can get verbose.

I'm serious, kid. Don't bottle that stuff up. Your heart is motivated by love, too, remember. You can't bear the name without being it, in a very real sense. And believe me, Jewel, we all know how much love you've got in you. 

...That means a lot. Really it does. Because I don't want this name to be about "me," that's the whole point. I want it to be about unity. About us. I want everyone to see what I can see. 

See, kid knows what I'm talking about.

Am I still a Maid of Blood, dad?

As far as I'm aware, yeah, because of the symbolic significance of the wordplay, to be honest.

What, like "made of blood"? Why's that?

Because she wouldn't exist if it weren't for all the blood we literally lost beforehand.

Not only that, but think about what blood symbolizes. That's unity, too, in a very intrinsic sense. It's life. In Scripture it's the very means of redemption. It's a deeply holy thing, as morbid as it may seem to some. There's just so much purpose and meaning to it. You cannot take it lightly.

Tell me about it, kid, that's a huge part of my existence, too. And yours.

Yeah. But Xennie's a "maid" because, well, that title speaks to purity but also service. Like, she gives those attributes to others, in caring for them? It's hard to put into words. But I felt that when she got the name, how it summarized the hugeness of her existence, the terrible beauty of it, as well as the gentle tenderness of it. 

Dad I think you're still talking poetry!

Heh, if he is it's only because he loves you so much, kiddo.

I know. :> I love you too dad!

Thank you, sweetheart. I'm glad you can hear that in my words.

Hence your metainomen, case in point!

Hee! Yeah it is. But thank you for telling me about my name too dad, cuz that was important for me and you too and I just wanna make sure I still have it and it still works!!

'Course it still works, kid. No need to worry about that. Okay, third-- no, wait, second point.

Haha, yeah, we didn't exactly get there yet.

Do you guys always dance around the actual conversation like this?

Old habits are hard to break.

Sorry, Waldorf. My brain just likes to jump all over the place. Kind of like Xennie.

Yeah except your brain is mean sometimes! I'm not mean.

No you're not, love. So you can take over for my brain if you want.

What no!! I can't do that dad!

I'm just kidding, sweetheart.

Oh.

At least we're talking.

See, Waldorf, you need to open your eyes a little more on this topic.

What topic? Unity?

Ironically yes, but not exactly. See, maybe we are jumping around topics. But Jewel thinks like a frickin' firework. All over the place, but when you step back and look at these disjointed pieces, then whoa, it actually looks pretty nice. His brain really does work like that.

So... not staying on topic actually helps him understand things?

Yeah, because I absorb info passively, like a sponge.

Like a Seer.

Maybe that too, yeah. But it's true. I constantly go off on tangents because I'm following single threads that other people may or may not find relevant. But those threads tend to stick together, into a larger tapestry of sorts. Even if I have to weave the darn thing. Point is I think and talk better when there's no structure.

No surprise that you ended up "married" to Chaos himself then.

You have a point.

Does daddy think like that too?

Chaos? I don't think so, actually. He tends to pick one thing and stick to it doggedly. Sure, he might go off on tangents, but there's always that central goal in mind. For me, not so much. I'm just a wanderer on all fronts.

You two are just this brilliant paradox, I swear.

We are indeed. But really, let's continue on topic for once. I feel kind of bad for Wally over there.

Really, I'm just happy to be talking. It's been rough lately with that chest cold of yours!

Yeah, how the heck are you so sensitive to the physical? That's Spine's domain.

Be cauuuse, I'm the one who deals with communication. That's not strictly physical Laurie. Remember when you were in 7th grade, Jewel, how I didn't always talk much?

Yeah. But you got a lot louder in 8th grade!

Because who did you meet then? Ryou, Marik, and Chaos! You were being more you. You were communicating more honestly, at least upstairs. So I could talk more. And I was able to reach out through media better, too. Then, though, high school started, and you slipped, and I kind of faded into some murky void for a while...

You didn't actually die, did you?

No, I was just really really quiet! Jewel stopped typing, which I was basically anchored to back then, so I lost almost all my staying power. I don't think I started to come back until 2008 or so.

Thanks to this website!

Thanks to all the typing, yeah! But I guess I had the wrong sort of energy for the new system. And Natalie-- Nathaniel?-- was blue at first anyway.

And he was born because of reflection disassociation, which was a direct result of communication dishonesty.

So you see what I mean!

We know all this stuff, Wally, you don't need to recap.

Well I felt like it. The point is that I'm affected whenever Jewel has communications problems now in any sense, because I want to be. I really tied myself into this space when Jewel opened that road to me. I wanted to come back, so I did.

Took you a little while to stabilize, though.

I heard that's normal for the blue slot.

It is, but that ain't cool. It shows we have a big problem with that color that hasn't been solved well enough yet. Still, the fact that you're talking with us now is a big reassurance.

I'm not using Looney Tunes signs!

Those were cute.

They were! But I like talking too.

Okay, point taken. Back to the discussion... or not, that depends entirely on what Jewel's brain wants to do now. Or Xenophon, who the heck knows.

I'm not being daddy's brain, that's silly.

You're adorable. And it was just a joke, love.

I know, but it's true.

Also, can I just mention that I love how you're not fazed by Laurie swearing?

Because it's Laurie! She always swears.

She makes my language kid-friendly, too, when she's passing on messages. It's hilarious.

Does she? How?

Like she says "butt" instead of "ass." It's gold.

Because it is a butt!!

Also we've realized that most "cusswords" are really just a fiercer way of saying stuff in general, when I'm not using them as an accent.

I love how you use profanity as accents.

Hey, it works.

Sugar, spice, and everything nice, that's what little girls are made of...

Yeah, but I'm the flask full of Chemical X because I am whoopass incarnate.

You can't get ye flask.

Joke's on you, I am the flask. What now?

I'm certainly not going to tell thou.

Darn it.

Hee hee!

Seriously, topic two. Waldorf, how about you pick one?

Me?

I don't see anyone else in here named Waldorf, do you?

Very funny, Laurie. Okay, um... wait, what sorts of things do you guys usually discuss in here?

You asked to be part of a session without knowing what we talk about? Come on, Wally.

I know what you talk about, geez! But you told me earlier that there weren't any standout troubles to work through.

Nothing standout, no. At least not in this half of the discussion. God knows what'll happen later. But that doesn't mean there's nothing to discuss. Go on, throw something at us.

Figuratively?

Heck, if you want to literally throw something then do that too, I don't mind.

'Kay, catch!

Did you just throw your chair??

Hey, she said throw something.

Laurie how did you even catch a chair!!

Easy, like this. You wanna take notes, get a bloody pen. Wally, you ain't gettin' this back now, y'hear?

Fine, enjoy your superfluous chair. I'll just... I'll just sit on this entire couch, how's that?

Hey, you're not allowed to sit on the couch!

Watch me!

We are probably confusing that invisible audience something fierce right now.

I don't care, man, this is funny.

I'm sitting on the co-ouch! I'm getting cyber-cooties all over it and there's nothing you can do abooouut iiit!

Cyber cooties?

Uh, yeah, cause of my hair?

Fair enough.

So basically you're just getting your hair all over the couch. What the heck, Waldorf.

Hahaha!

You're all silly.

That's the name of the game son. All right, now that miss blueface is gone, let's keep talking business for once.

Hey-- no fair, you're doing that on purpose!

Yep, that we are. S'what you get for sitting on the couch. Don't you stick your tongue out at me.

Mmleuh. I'll do what I want.

Fine. Be that way.

And give me my chair back.

No, you threw this furniture at me, finder's keepers.

Then I'll just sit over here!

Fine.

Fine!

I wish I had a camera right now.

You've got a Xanga session, that's even better.

He's been writing this down??

Yeah, that's what he does.

Ffff-- I'm sorry, I just derailed this worse than any of you guys did, then!

Yes, you did. Congratulations, here's your award.

Ooh, thank you!

Laurie.

What?

I don't-- there's no visual accompaniment to these shenanigans, our readers are missing out.

Fine. I picked up a Christmas tree from this table and handed it to Waldorf, because she's the prettiest princess in all the land.

Princess of chairs!

There you go, that's gonna be your metainomen. Let's move on.

What, no! That doesn't even make sense!

I don't care, kiddo, you dug that grave, now you gotta sit in the thing. In that chair.

Dun dun dun!!

Xenophon is giggling up a storm over this, that's pretty funny too.

You're funnier!

No, you are.

Nuh-uh, I'm a brain, and brains are silly.

Oh, snap. Jewel, your daughter just won the game.

What game?

The game.

Just play along with it, Xennie, we're all crazy up here.

You're the worst, boy.

No kidding!

And we all get it from you!

Things just got meta.

Times two.

Can I sit here for the rest of the session, actually?

Sure, I don't care. You're gonna have to move when Chaos comes in though, or Genesis, whoever I feel like messing with today.

Chaos. I think Genesis was messed with enough yesterday.

Okay, that was terrible.

Hey, you're laughing too!

Because it's funny, dammit.

You know, I actually don't mind getting this far off topic when stuff like this happens.

Same here.

What were we even talking about?

Stuff.

Basically.

Didn't you have stuff on your Blurty though, dad?

I have lots of stuff on there.

No, I mean stuff to talk about! You know what I mean.

I know, just teasing you. Couldn't resist. But she's right, actually. Mind if I check that real quick?

Sure, go right ahead.

Okay, let's see... all right, I put a small list together in November, but... Laurie, we just solved this first point, at least according to Chaos, didn't we?

Hm... yeah, I'd say so.

Really?

Uh, yes? Why the heck else would you be in such brilliant spirits lately? You've pretty much let go of that, thank God.

All right. Guess I just wanted your agreement on that.

And you got it.

Fantastic. Oh, and the second point deals with you, Wally?

Does it?

Yeah: it was about how, when I get confused by my emotions or thoughts, I tend to go mute.

Ohhh yeah, I hate that.

Pff.

I do! It's kind of scary, actually.

I hear ya. Just laughing at how immediate that reaction was.

Is that when you have to talk with signs?

Mm-hmm.

Wish I could do that.

You can dad, you'd just need a lot of signs.

Still need that cyberpunk gas mask of yours, though.

Hey, after Christmas, that's the first thing I'm allowing myself to buy. Mark my words. I found a really cool respirator that should work perfectly.

Sounds good. But the mute thing, that hasn't happened lately, has it?

No, because I haven't been talking.

Ah.

That helps?

Yeah. Speech, for me, is actually confusing no matter what I'm doing, thanks to my weird personal perspective.

Which is weird as heck upstairs.

You're not affected by it, are you?

Not directly, but I can feel your awareness moving around the room. There's a problem when you start looking through my eyes, which you have done unconsciously. That's what's weird as heck.

Sorry. It's just that sometimes you're looking in the direction I want to look.

Which is often at yourself.

I can only emote properly when I'm seeing myself in the third person, it seems. Otherwise I get too deeply into the other person's expressions, and that gets really confusing because of my "I'm always in 3rd person" thing.

Oh, wait, now I get it.

What?

If you see yourself in third person, then looking at other people must play havoc on your physical identity downstairs.

And it does.

Geez.

Has that always happened?

Unconsciously, but yes, to a very strong extent. It wasn't until 2008, when headspace became a thing, that I started to solidify into my own "self-expression," or in other words, the pseudo-physical manifestation of the energy that makes me me.

It had been a Klonoa-haired mess for about six years prior to that.

Oh geez, yeah. That's actually why I stopped drawing myself like that around 2004. It clashed loudly with my inner "feeling" and I couldn't explain why, which was deeply unsettling.

Took us years to figure out why, too.

Yeah, but that's fixed now.

How about downstairs? Not identifying with that, are you?

No, but it's severely confusing still, because when I'm not around people, I can't see myself in third person unless I'm looking in a mirror, and then I'm not looking at me... so unless I strongly project my own energy signature over the body, it's very easy to slip.

Have you been slipping?

No. At least I don't think so. I don't splinter anymore, but you know how sometimes I end up in that hyper-energy mode that isn't me either?

You think that's a splinter?

I don't know, but it's definitely not me, because it leaves a bad taste in my mouth whenever it shows up, figuratively.

That's how you acted back in 2003, though, right?

For the most part, except for things like incidents with the guys, for obvious reasons. When I wasn't with them, then I was basically in that mode. And it didn't feel genuine back then, either.

Well that's not Jess, and it's not Jezebel either... sure as heck isn't Razor...

Razor is actually very similar. She's the same energetic vibe, but kicked up to eleven.

Kicked up to eleven thousand, you mean. Razor's a frickin psychopath.

True.

Daddy, the person you drew yourself as back then... if that wasn't you, who was it?

It was him back then, kid, if only because he identified with it then.

It was a purely constructed physical identity.

Yeah, I know.

But you're right, actually. There were very strong pieces of me in there. It was just... like looking in a funhouse mirror, I suppose. It was close enough to pass, but there was always something off about it.

And you think that the reflection in the mirror is that person, now that Nat's out of it?

Maybe. I dunno. Maybe it's just an echo at this point. It's rarely a problem now though.

That's good, then. Still, I am concerned about the obvious communication problems this is presenting.

Tell me about it! Is that only happening because of his perspective?

Mostly. But also because it's body dysphoria. Not the splinter-inducing sort, but the oddly static sort that's all "I don't hate this body, and it's actually not so bad, but the problem is that it isn't me! " I know identifying with the body is false anyway, but I can't yet seem to figure out how to overcome it in this lingering sense.

Question. Remember that time you channeled yourself to talk to your grandmother?

...Dude you think that could work?

Heck yes, it works when you channel us, and we look nothing like this body. So try doing that from now on. Consciously channel yourself, so that you're actually driving instead of plugging in commands from upstairs. That's probably why we're getting an echo.

Who drives if Jewel isn't in there, though?

No one, really. It's mostly automated. The only time Tar gets in is if there's a conscious slip, or fallout, and we don't get those anymore.

Ironically, those only happen if I'm driving, and then I leave.

Yeah, if you're not really in there, the bloody thing goes into standby, but then it's neutral ground.

What does that mean?

It means it's basically Switzerland. Neither upstairs or underground can hijack it unless Jewel gives the green light, and if he's not there, then nothing happens.

Which is why I like listening to music when I'm slipping. It removes me from the obligatory driver's seat, and therefore nullifies any hacking influences.

Because they go through you.

Yeah.

Why do they only go after dad?

Because he's the anchor consciousness here, whether he likes it or not. He's the one that needs the body to do things in this life. The rest of us up here are either walk-ins, who aren't technically anchored here at all, or headvoices, like myself, who are nonphysical and can't leave headspace for good unless we've got a bloody death wish.

Wait, really? I didn't know that.

It's true, Wal. Probably more true for Julie and I, but it affects you too. We're made of the same stuff that makes headspace exist, after all. And we're all anchored to Jewel by choice.

Hm. I guess you're right.

You know I'm right. That's how this works. The only person I can't figure out is Xennie, because the circumstances of her creation were just seriously weird.

I was born up here though, wasn't I?

No, Jewel found you in a sink, downstairs, half-dead, like a bloody dumpster baby.

Hey, I would never--

I didn't say you'd do anything of the sort. Fact is, you remember who was trying to abort every creation you had around that time?

...

Xenophon couldn't form on her own upstairs because she had two dads, of course, but also because it was too dangerous with Julie still lurking around. At least that's what I figure.

So you think her energy was slowly coalescing downstairs?

I don't know, why the heck else would she show up there instead of here?

I still don't think it was downstairs. I see Jewel Monsters downstairs all the time, but they're ghosting. Xennie seemed to be stuck between realms when I found her. Like, she couldn't stick upstairs so she showed up-- oh dude, now I get it!

What?

Its obvious. That sink has held way too much of my blood over the years. It's probably an energy sink, pun intended, as a result. I was a mess in 2011, thanks to failed suicide fallout and the psych ward. I stopped cutting though, and maybe that played a part in Xenophon showing up there instead?

How? Because of the blood?

Maybe. Maybe that's all it boils down to, was the fact that it all revolved around blood. Hence her eventual metainomen. For ages, blood to me was a sign of contrition, of heart-rending remorse, of agony. But blood is also a sign of life. For me to be leaking out life for ages, to atone for lives lost...

I get it.

Didn't you say I was the... the hundredfold thing, dad?

Yeah. Which is really what I'm just trying to reiterate, in different words.

Hm.

And I'll never forget what I said on the night of March 12th, either... I quote, "I hope to God that tomorrow is merciful." And it was.

Maybe that was all she needed to show up.

Maybe.

I'm glad I showed up dad, no matter how I did it.

Yeah. Me too.

I'm beginning to like listening, actually.

Was that passive-aggressiveness I just heard, princess?

No, I honestly do enjoy listening to you two talk. It's kind of fun.

Even when we're talking about bloody memories like this?

Well it obviously doesn't hurt anymore, so yeah. It's honest now. I like honesty.

So does Jo. No wonder you two are dating.

*shrug* We get along!

What the-- did you just make this conversation more surreal that it already was?

Huh?

You put a freaking asterisk action in there.

Because otherwise you can't tell I'm shrugging!

Watch this turn into a Sonic Chat when Chaos comes in.

You know what, fine. Don't blame me when this degenerates into drunken lunacy.

Hey, it would be fun!

Not today.

Aw.

Dad what's a Sonic Chat like?

It's insane. Don't do it.

Were you ever in one?

No, thank God.

I don't think Laurie could handle the utter lack of coherency and rules in those things.

I've seen them.

You have?

Here and there, yeah! Plus I was technically in a few when I was still trying to anchor, too.

Oh yeah, I suppose you were!

I also remember when you used to have thought chats in 8th grade, ha ha!

Geez, don't bring those up, they were ridiculous.

Can we get back to the actual conversation now?

Sure. I was just contemplating what a Xanga Chat session would be like, and I think I broke my brain.

Does that mean I have to do that job now?

Kiddo, you look so adorably disappointed about that, it's priceless. And no, you don't.

I just don't want dad's brain breaking for real. That would be bad.

Yeah, mister Prince of Mind.

That's only if I invert, and only according to one test result!

Still legit, bro. You be careful.

Will do.

What's next on the discussion board though?

Dysphoria. I think we just covered that, actually.

See, this is why tangents are good.

Point taken.

Huh! I guess that does work.

It does! But I don't know, should we star point 2 just in case it comes back?

What, the muteness? No, because if you remember to channel yourself, that shouldn't be a problem.

Ah.

Point 4 is "feeling worthless in the eyes of the world." I daresay that was Utah fallout, hm?

Mostly.

You over that yet, kid?

Yeah. That's also why I've been so happy lately. I'm not judging myself anymore.

Let's bring up Utah again real quick. I know you were discussing this with me earlier, but I want to make sure it's written down. What are you missing about that, for real?

Being around people that knew what I've been through over the past few years, and didn't treat me as insane because of it.

I thought you said that was a double-edged sword?

It was. Because I think they knew the 'old me' better than they did the real me? Which is understandable, because there are hundreds of Julie-era records online, which no longer apply to who I am. Anyway that's not important, and it's not what's bothering me.

Then what is?

The fact that those two were the first and only people on this planet that knew my dark past, accepted my inner reality as true, AND cared about me more than I had ever dared imagine. The problem was that it was sadly one-sided; I didn't know them, even after several years! I gave them huge amounts of who I was, and never got the same in return. So when they suddenly cut all contact with me last month, saying they "didn't understand me," it hurt because so much time and effort was lost. These were the only two people I had EVER been close friends with down here. So having all that just collapse after so long was highly disorienting. I have no idea how to make friends; they were both instances of sheer luck, and maybe that was the fatal break in the chain holding it together.

Possibly. I daresay that lack of understanding really stung the most, though.

Only because I would have put money on those two never saying it. I've had everyone else throw those words at me before, practically-- teachers, doctors, acquaintances, parents-- and then, when I finally found two people who got the weirdest stuff, they STILL were unable to understand me enough to actually be around me without distress. Which confuses me because I really don't understand what they don't get, but oh well. These things happen.

So you've let go?

Yeah. I mean, I miss them on an intellectual level, but that's about it. It's not genuine and it would be dishonest to complain about it.

What do you mean by "it's not genuine?"

I don't miss them. I miss the experience of having people call me by my real name, and stuff like that. That says a lot about our relationship, actually, and it's probably why it fell through. I feel that's my fault, though. Melody called me selfish several times, and I understand why, but to be honest it always felt one-sided in my favor and I thought that was mostly intentional?

The heck do you mean?

They kept saying I was moving "for my benefit," in one way or another. I guess the way they kept wording things made me assume that they were putting a disproportionate amount of focus on me. So when I moved out there, I kind of assumed that was the reality, when I was actually smothering them with my presence, especially with all my troubles and oddities. I guess none of us thought the situation through, again, and I am sorry that it happened that way. But like I said, all that's in the past, and it's over now. I've washed my hands of it, and frankly I'd like to not discuss it anymore as a result. No hard feelings, but I'm honestly tired of digging up something that's already buried.

Fine by me, I was just double-checking that you were over it.

I am, believe me. Took a little while, but we're good.

Just want to mention that the whole trip was an overwhelmingly positive experience, though.

Oh geez, it was. I absolutely loved my time out there, at least what I remember of it. My memory likes to remember snapshots and that's it, which does bias it towards the positive, but hey. I'm not complaining, because now when I look back I just smile.

Good to hear.

Point 5 is doubt, and that was crushed thanks to Utah as well, thank you old friends.

Seriously, that was beautiful.

I even got to talk to you!

Twice, you moron!

Haha, yeah, sorry about that first time.

Don't, it's awesome to look back on for me too. Distressing as ever at the time, but I'd be lying if said it's not fun to remember.

You threw me like a chair!

I kind of did, haha.

I wish I had showed up earlier, it sounds like you had fun out there.

We made smoke pancakes!

Oh dude yes! That was absolutely hilarious!

Was that the day you had the porch door open in freezing weather all evening?

Yes, I couldn't stop laughing. I had like four fans on too. And I was sitting on the living room table eating smoke pancakes with Xennie and just cracking up. We just had a horrible stove in that kitchen, to say the absolute least.

Remember the day we went for the walk to Turiyas, dad??

Of course I do, that was stunning.

We made rose potions!!

I remember that. And you, you ridiculous romantic, you were picking roses for like an entire week in October for every day you didn't see Chaos.

Yeah, I had wanted to give them to him when Jacob finally channeled him again, but unfortunately that didn't pan out. However I do remember that on the last night I had my Bible Study, two days before I flew out, Chaos walked home with me so I picked him a rose right there and told him about my plan, haha.

Man I wish I could've seen his face.

It was one of those moments I wish I could have filmed, yeah. Just gorgeous honest moments like that.

I sure missed a LOT out there, gosh.

Sorry, love. I wish I lived closer to an actual place I could walk around, so that we could have grand adventures together here too. Then again, school always seems to fit that bill.

Genesis is a lucky man.

Xenophon too, remember she ghosted with me a lot last semester.

I did! And I always ran up the stair railings.

Because you're silly.

Noooo I don't wanna be a brain dad!!

Hahaha!

Is this going to be an injoke? Please say yes.

Yes.

Thank God. I love nonsense like this.

Speaking of injokes... Laurie.

Come on, man, that one's not supposed to be publicized!

Which one?

Jewel and I randomly decided one evening that I am an injoke. Just me, because why the heck not.

And you just publicized it, shame on you.

I don't give a damn, Kanye shrug, cool sunglasses gif, and that's enough injokes for now.

She actually put on shades, by the way.

Yeah, Laurie, it's like this! *puts on the sunglasses* *DEAL WITH IT*

Oh what the heck, Waldorf.

You really despise those asterisks, haha.

It feels so frickin weird!

Daddy, can we get back to talking? I wanna see my other dad before it gets too late.

The kid has a point.

Ssh!!!

Heh. But sure, kid. Jewel, is there anything more to discuss that doesn't involve a certain blue dude being in the room to contribute?

Uh, hm... not really? Since my death drive and stomach void are pretty much gone, I--

Pretty much gone?

Well, there's still a bit of each, but they aren't affecting me actively. I think they're just fading.

They'd better be. I'm just concerned that you still want to die this Friday, even, though that's not going to happen.

Dad why do you want to die?? You can't die like that!

I don't know what I want. It's just homesickness is all. It's waking up in the morning and not knowing how to deal with a world that's still angry and ignorant to unity and compassion in so many places.

That's changing, kid. You don't need to die to begin again.

I know. So maybe that's all I have to, is remember that, and keep on trucking.

But daddy, you can't die, because you're already home up here.

Home is where the heart is, and vice versa.

Yeah. That too.

Don't leave your kid without a father.

I won't. I swear I won't.

Please, dad.

Cross my heart, Xennie.

Okay. Cause I worry about you, you know.

I know.

I actually worry about you too, whether you know it or not.

Really?

Sure! Remember 7th grade? The crystals in the sky?

Dude, of course I remember that, that was one of the most beautiful dreams I've ever had!

And who was it that promised to take you back there one day? You, and Ryou, and Maitru, and me?

...

Yeah. I plan on keeping that promise, one day, when I figure out how. I'm trying. But I can't do that for you if you die, either.

Daddy, what's she talking about?

You know that forest I always talk about, the one I call "there?" On top of the icy mountain, with crystals in the air?

The dream place? Is that the one that looks out over dad's old home?

Yeah.

Wait, what does it look out over?

You know in Sonic Adventure, when you visit Mystic Ruins in the past as Amy? And if you look out over the edge of the cliff, you can see a river running through the rainforest below? For some reason, that view is the absolute closest anything has come to the view from the crystal forest in that dream. I took a rough screenshot from Youtube, here, in case anyone else wants to see it.

Wow. I had no idea, actually.

But because of the obvious emotional significance of that fact, and the way dreamspace tends to form around those things, I personally believe it's the exact same view.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Maybe we should bring him along next time, if I can figure out how to get us back there.

When, not if. You said you made a promise.

Hehe, I did. When I figure out how, then.

Daddy I wanna come too!

Then consider yourself on the list, love.

Yay!

Not to cut this short, but for like the fifth time, is there anything else we need to discuss before we bring the two maniacs in here? It's getting late.

My dad's not a maniac.

You haven't seen him drunk.

She has a point. Don't worry though, we've learned to keep him away from the champagne.

And Genesis away from the eggnog.

I remember that!

Funniest moment in a grocery store ever, that was.

What?

He literally grabbed a carton of eggnog off the shelf last year and drank it, right in the middle of the aisle. Of course no one could see him but me, but it was hilarious.

I'm still deadset on getting him and Chaos into a drinking contest one day, solely to see the results of it.

That needs to be recorded, whenever it happens.

Soon. Your anniversary is this Sunday, and New Year's is barely two weeks away.

Oh my gosh, don't tell me you're planning to trump last January...

Seriously, I am. I don't care how terrified I am, something is going to happen.

That's going to be amazing. Wow. You've got me stupidly excited now.

Good. Merry Christmas, because I don't know what the heck is going to go down then.

You said it!

You two say a lot.

*flips you off*

Ahahaha!! Yesss!!

Daadddyyy.

Yes sweetheart?

Can we get Chaos in here soon please? I'm getting tired.

She's right, we suck at holding actual conversations when there's no actual list to go from. Jewel, you said we were done as far as casual discussion goes, correct?

Aye-aye, captain. The only thing we need to do is a recap, and that can wait until after Christmas.

No kidding, Sunday alone is going to need an update of its own, I'll tell you that already.

Oh you don't even know. No matter what happens, it's going to be gorgeous.

What needs to be recapped?

Basically all the stuff that's happened since June.

Whoa. How long is that going to take?

Not as long as you think. Knowing Jewel, he'll want to skim over Utah, save for the obviously relevant bits, which can easily be summarized since vocabulary doesn't do them much justice anyway.

Tell me about it.

July, I dunno. The heck even happened in July?

A lot, actually. June and July were the end of the semester, and the tiny break before Utah, so the disconnect from headspace hit me hard and I was getting swamped by inner problems.

Problems that we've solved since then, I hope?

Basically. There is an old entry with a huge list of 'em, but I'll review that on my own time and get back to you on it.

Sounds cool. Anything else?

Uh... just lots of media synchronicity and Dream World work, it looks like, as I had a major creativity burst in June. So I didn't update much during those two months. But we didn't talk much between January and June, either.

We did discuss the 17th, if that's what you're thinking of.

I know, that was painful. But we didn't discuss the Daley nights, or Island, or Holy Saturday, or having to let go of everything in one sense or another. And a lot happened with Celebi over the spring and summer in any case, so I think she deserves a more significant mention here. All our outspacers do.

Fair enough. But really, kid, I don't think a lot of early 2012 needs to be discussed again?

Not discussed, just recapped. Just mentioned to give the invisible audience a rough idea of what the heck's been going on this year, in our absence. Because a lot has been going on, even if it's been mostly behind the scenes.

Yeah, now that you mention it, we've made some insane progress since January.

We have. But I dunno, I think a few of these points deserve a revisit, looking back on some of these old entries... even if it's only a reread on my part.

Well, don't get mired down in old thoughts. Capisce?

I hear you, yeah. But I did a heck of a lot of spiritual practice this spring because of how desperate I was. I didn't realize it until now, but although the medium changed, I'm still getting the same effects?

Now you're getting the meditation feeling without meditating, which is good.

Yeah. Now I don't have to be in a church to feel like I'm in one, if that makes sense.

It does.

Sorry guys, we're talking too much again.

You said you were done but you're not!

We suck at finishing things, that's a fact at this point.

Do I have to take my chair and leave?

You try and I'll break your fingers.

Haha.

Wally, you seem oddly unfazed by Laurie's personality.

Hey, you remember what I acted like back around 2003!

Point.

Why, what'd she act like? You keep referencing things before my time so I'm not sure.

Like a non-swearing, harmlessly violent version of you, almost.

What.

I've calmed down since then, hehe. Just a little.

Yeah, the void tends to do that to ya. But man, I might have to hang out with you more now.

Haha!

Ooh, if you do, can I hang out with her too? I like her, she's nice.

Sure, kid, whatever you say.

I love how you're like this stand-in parent for Chaos and I when we're not around.

Hey, I love this little dude just as much as you both, it's the least I can do.

Hee!

Speaking of Chaos, uh...

We swapping out the blues now?

Yep, you get your butt out of here before I toss you out with the chair.

*crosses arms* Try it.

You seriously provoking me?

Yeah! Go on, toss me.

Wally, she's gonna toss your butt out the door if you don't move first!

She won't, just watch. *sticks out tongue*

Oh, that's it, now you're asking for it.

You didn't do the asterisks!

You want asterisks? You can't handle these asterisks! *picks up chair and flings it*

Dude!!

Whaahhaha!! Nice one!

You're not supposed to jump out of it in midair!

You never said I couldn't! Hehe!

Don't make me flip this table.

Do it.

Laurie, don't trash the penthouse.

She started it.

Pfffahaha!!

Xennie, I'm sorry you have to watch these two maniacs.

No dad, it's okay, I'm just shocked that Wally jumped!

What do you think, 10 out of 10?

11!!

Woo!! Wait till I tell Jo, he's gonna flip.

Jo's my apprentice, you know, I'll throw a chair at him too if he pushes my buttons.

He'd throw it right back!

Good, then we'll make a game out of it.

Calvinball!!

Heheh, exactly.

No really, we need to switch the mood in a few minutes, so stop throwing the furniture and shake hands or something.

Are you serious? Come on, Jewel.

Be nice, Laurie.

Fine.

Yeah, you're lucky I'm not a real princess, or you'd be in trouble.

Hey, there's idea.

What?

A princess is an heir, right? So that would make you... an heir of chairs. 

Psh! Who am I inheriting the chairs from then?

Hm... Chaos.

Is he the king of getting on your nerves?

Pretty much. Speaking of...

I know, I know.

Daddy can I stay to say hi to him please??

Sure thing, love.

Guess that's my cue to go.

*salutes* Fare thee well, space princess.

*salutes back* Space princess of chairs!

Heck yeah, that's the spirit!

Haha, see, I catch on quick. *turns and waves goodbye*

Aaaand that's all, folks.

*holds up a sign that says "applause"*

*applauds!!*

Xennie, no exclamation points in the asterisks.

But it's a happy applauds!!

Okay, fine.

*bows* Thank you, thank you!

Oi! The door is behind you!

Don't ruin my exit!

Don't make me chase you down the hall.

Fine!

Come on guys, be nice.

I am being nice.

Really, it's been fun, Laurie.

Yeah, you too. Say hi to Jo for me.

With a chair?

Preferably, yes.

Haha, okay!

Not that one.

Not touching that one!

Good. Now make like a tree and get the heck out of here.

Pfff, whatever you say, couchmaster!

Couchmaster?

You wouldn't let her on the couch.

Yeah, but-- aah, whatever.

At least you had her laughing. That was awesome.

Why isn't Wally allowed on the couch?

She's allowed on it, I was just busting her.

Oh.

I do that to everyone.

I know, I was just asking because I wanna sit on the couch too.

Xennie, as far as I'm concerned, you can do whatever you want. The couch is yours. Knock yourself out.

Yay! Is it fluffy? It looks fluffy.

I can make it fluffy.

Make it fluffy dad!!

All right, here goes... aaand poof! Flufftastic.

Eeee!!

Now that's adorable.

Daddy it's sooo soooffft!!!!

That's the point, love. You want me to put a couch in your room like that?

Um! I don't know? It's kinda big, dad!

You can always camp out down here if you want, I'll keep an eye on you.

Mmkay Laurie. But I'm only gonna sleep in here until Daddy leaves.

Do we want her around while we're talking?

That's up to you.

Man, I dunno.

Let's ask the other dudes then.

Sounds like a plan. Call 'em in.

All right, hold on...

...

...Whose chair is this?

What chair?

This chair. In the middle of the floor.

Not my chair, not my problem.

Oh come on Laurie, now you're obviously responsible for this.

Fine, I threw it at Waldorf.

You threw it?

At Waldorf?

Well actually no, I threw it while she was still sitting in it.

...

Your face, right now, deserves to be framed. Just letting you know that.

Laurie, you are an absolute maniac.

Nah, I just get annoyed by blue people. You're cool though.

I've never seen you flip out at Ryou.

He's lucky, he's a nice kid. But just wait, one day he'll do something just annoying enough and bam, I'm gonna flip this entire table. Mark my words.

I think you'd traumatize him.

*shrug*

Did you just--?

Hi daddy!!

Oh-- hi Xenophon! You're still awake?

Yeah and this couch is really really comfy and I'm gonna sit on it aaallll the time now.

That couch was never that fluffed up before, was it?

Nope, just did that now. Tempted to leave it that way if she loves it so much.

Pleeeease pleasepleaseplease leave it fluffy!!!

I think we have a majority vote in favor of the fluff, Jewel.

Then it's settled. The fluff stays!

Whee!! Hahahaha.

She just fell over backwards onto it. That was adorable. You could've used asterisks, kid!

I didn't feel like it I just wanted to fluff!!

Is this asterisks thing new?

Yeah, blame Waldorf. It caught on quick.

Looks like it.

So, uh... are we talking?

That's actually what we were gonna ask you two. Xenophon wants to chill on the chair, but we weren't sure if she should stick around for this half of the conversation or not. Figure it was mostly up to you, Gen.

Um...

Genesis if you don't want me to stay I can go to bed. I probably just wanna sleep anyway.

That... could you, actually? This is going to be tough for me the way it is.

Mmkay. Let me just say goodnight to everybody. Couch first. *hugs!!*

Hahaha.

It's fluffy, Laurie!!

I know, you're just ridiculously cute.

I know you tell me that all the time.

That's cause it's true.

Okay. Good night Laurie.

'Night, kid. Sweet dreams and all that.

And good night to you Genesis! I'll wave at you from over here.

Haha, okay.

And now goodnight to my daaaad.

Hug attack?

Wha-- eeeee!!!!

Haha, I've wanted to do that for a while.

Heeheehee!!!

G'night, love. I'll come check on you later if you're still awake.

Probably not but I might wake up when you come in so okay. Now put me down, I gotta say goodnight to my other dad.

You want me to pick you up too?

Maybe. If you want.

Okay, you asked for it.

Eeeee!!

How much more adorable can this family get?

Is that a challenge?

Dad this is really high up!

Too high?

No! Just really high!

You're lucky we're not outside, or I'd pick you up even higher.

Nonono, I've gotta go to sleep.

You want me to walk you upstairs kid?

Mmm, no, I can go by myself. Okay dad, I'm going to sleep. Good luck Genesis.

Oh, uh... thank you.

Uh-huh! Bye everybody! And Laurie, don't throw the fluffy couch!!

I won't, Scout's honor.

Kay! Bye!

Bye, sweetheart.

Good night, Xennie!

See ya, kid.

Man, she really loves that couch, I'm surprised.

Hey, fluff is addictive. Unfortunately there's been a lot of fluff in this session already, so now we've gotta buckle down and talk about heavier stuff. Genesis?

What?

Chaos, is he okay?

He's okay, believe me. We've talked about this on our own earlier. He's just nervous around you.

Why the heck are you always so nervous around me?

I told you, it's because you give off a vibe that I'm not exactly comfortable with!

And why the heck is that?

Let's just say I haven't known many people that keep so many walls up, and the ones I have haven't been the nicest people to be around.

...You'd better not be comparing me to who I think you are.

Not you. Just the impression you give me.

Well what the heck else do you want me to do? Something tells me you'd be even more disturbed if I dropped all the walls, since they actually make you feel safer. Am I right?

...

Genesis?

Sorry. I'm still too sensitive for my own good.

At least you're not an empath like me. Actually no, that might actually help in this situation...

How?

'Cause of Laurie. I've spent enough time around her to know what she's really giving off. Back when she had tons of walls up and hadn't even opened up to Jewel very much, she was a tough character. Now she's not so bad.

Oh sure, just sabotage my reputation, go right ahead.

I'm not sabotaging anything, Laurie. The fact is, you need to stop trying so hard to be who you were in the past too. You don't need to be so standoffish anymore, especially not around us. And Genesis, you need to stop freaking out over threats that don't exist anymore. Maybe you and I perceive energy differently, but she's no threat to you, even with an axe.

...

She's not. I can attest to that.

...listen, you guys, I said there needed to be a switch in mood but I didn't expect this.

Why, you got a problem with it?

No, it's just that I can 'switch moods' like this now and I'm not exactly used to it yet.

...

Laurie?

What?

Do you... I don't know, I'm not even sure what I'm asking...

You want to help.

Yeah.

You can feel this too, and you want to alleviate the pain somehow.

If you want.

...Kid, for heaven's sake, I appreciate the gesture, but first? You can't be siphoning off your soul so bloody carelessly.

But I care about you, Laurie, I love you, and I don't want you suffering like--

Listen to yourself! Is that how a true heart-healer talks?

...No, actually. I'm sorry, I kind of... wasn't thinking.

Obviously not. You never think of how much damage you're passively doing to yourself. Listen. Yeah, this hurts, but it is not something I want to erase. And it's not something I'd consider worthy of you burning yourself out for. Not to get rid of it.

All right.

Stabilize. Sorry for the sudden emotional switch, I know that's hard on you sometimes. But keep your head on straight. Chaos?

Emotions hit me differently. Jewel reacts, I kind of... absorb.

Yeah, which is why I'm looking at you. You're worse than him when things get crazy, for obvious reasons. And Genesis?

...What?

For heaven's sake, I'm not going to hurt you, and I sure as the same ain't gonna trivialize what you're dealing with. If you want this conversation to be completely serious, then I'm all for it. No jokes, no teasing, no messing around. Just straight up honest discussion. Now are you going to stop cringing around me?

...Yeah. Sorry.

It's fine. I know I'm tough to be around. But come on, it's not like I have any sharp edges anymore. You can blame your dreamer for that. Thank you, by the way.

You're welcome.

So. The heck is our discussion topic here? I don't want to get on any tangents in this conversation.

I want to talk about last night.

Fair enough. Where to start, then?

I... I'm not sure.

I've got a question. What's our main concern about last night?

He's reacting like you used to.

Really? Why?

Jewel, for heaven's sake, you had a bit of a hard time recovering yesterday too.

I thought I was responsible somehow! I don't want to manipulate people!

You didn't manipulate anyone, Jewel, everyone had a complete say in what happened. You just feel more heavily involved as you're the channel for all of that. And I'm sorry if it was painful in any way.

No, I just... it's the old corruption fear is all.

And that fear isn't relevant anymore.

The Tar's still around.

Yeah, but it can't do a bloody thing when you're around. And if I'm not mistaken, you were 100% around last night.

That's not what I'm worried about.

Jewel's worried about it though.

No, I'm over that. It's just that that was the knee-jerk reaction. I know better than to give it any real merit now, since I know myself well enough.

Good. Now Genesis, sorry for interrupting, but go on. What's worrying you?

I... is this what you felt like with Celebi, Jewel?

...What?

This... kind of feeling like, "was I really being honest? Or was I just giving in?" I don't know. And that's what's bugging me.

Genesis, we discussed this.

Yeah, but we couldn't really answer that!

You told me you've given that serious thought for a while.

Sure, but that doesn't mean anything! Thought can easily drown out real motives sometimes, you know that.

And what did you tell me your motives actually were?

...

Genesis?

To... to just, kind of, express that?

Express what?

I don't know, I can't exactly put it in words.

Well geez, don't get all touchy. Vocabulary frequently fails up here. No reason to get upset.

Yeah, it is, because then that's the only way I know how to say it, and that strikes me as being kind of overkill, you know what I mean?

How the heck is it overkill if that is the only way you can think of to say it? Don't you think that gives it a little more merit than you're considering?

Genesis, you're getting confused.

With what?

With what you and I have been through. Laurie and Chaos don't have that sort of thing to speak from, you know.

...

...Oh. Listen, I'm sorry, I almost forgot that...

S'okay. Well actually, no, that's not my place to say that. It's okay in my case. I don't know about Genesis.

...It's fine. I think if Laurie had to deal with that, she wouldn't be here right now.

No kidding, I'd be dead as soon as it happened. So my heart goes out to you, kid. I'm sorry.

It's okay, really. It just... makes things confusing.

Laurie, are we going to have to go all June 29th on him or what?

Haha, no, I remember when Jewel went through that. It's just that I... never thought I'd be in this position.

Question.

What?

How the heck is this a parallel to the 29th?

It's not. It's a parallel to the 17th.

Then you talk to him.

I mentioned the 29th because Genesis didn't have any fallout with Jewel, but Jewel had almost suicidal fallout with me. So it's similar in that respect alone.

Yeah, but he specifically mentioned Celebi earlier and then we changed the subject. Actually, Jewel, should we get her in here?

Celebi?

Yeah, why the heck not? You want to talk to her? She's never had any trouble with her motives, and if Chaos couldn't get the point across to you, of all people--

It's not that! It's not that. I understand what he's saying. I don't have a problem with that, you know, the fact that I did it.

Then what the heck is bothering you?

The implications.

What bloody implications? There are no implications up here, Gen.

But that's big! That's really significant, and I'm not exactly the sort of person that's comfortable with that sort of thing!

How so?

I just... I'm... I'm not like Jewel. I'm not. It's hard for me to... to open up like that.

So you're being a hypocrite when you yell at me for my walls, is that it?

It's not that I have walls, it's that I have a freaking lack of them!! You don't have a busted gem right in the middle of your freaking chest that is effectively a self-destruct button!! When I get close to people, guess what? That opens up, whether I like it or not! That's a window to my soul, Laurie, and the first time I ever had that opened up wasn't exactly a positive occasion!!!

...

I don't know how Jewel does it. I really don't. Maybe he's never had his soul broken into, but I don't understand how he can just break pieces of it off and hand them to people like roses or something.

Uh, Genesis, last time I checked, the kid did have his soul broken into.

...When?

You ever hear of the Tar? What about Julie?

I've dealt with Julie, back when she was still evil!! I know what she did to him, and me!!

But you didn't have her living in your bloody head and constantly trying to take over your body, did you?

...

Forgot about that bit, huh? S'okay, I'll let it slide. Upstairs, we tend to take that fact for granted... you know, the fact that we all have our own minds. Headvoices don't get headvoices. Jewel ain't so lucky. Yeah, the both of you were dealt the short end of the stick when it came to her methods of abuse, but Jewel had it a heck of a lot worse than you. Then again, like you said, he doesn't exactly have a busted up soul gem in the middle of his chest. At least, not literally, am I right?

Don't downplay what he's been through, Laurie. He's suffered a lot more than I have in some ways.

In some ways. The both of you have differing experiences, and differing extremes in different areas, I know that way too well. Point is, he needs to understand that this isn't what he's dealt with before.

I know it isn'!! It's just close enough to hurt really badly, you know!

Then why the heck didn't it hurt with Jewel?

Because it wasn't like that with Jewel. I brought up Celebi because Jewel told me about that, and how he felt. He... wasn't sure about whether or not he should have went that far.

I am now.

...

Yeah, it took me several months, a failed suicide attempt, way too many new scars, and several tearstained fights with her. It got to a point where I actually hated her. But it was all outwardly projected, Gen. And when I got over it all, I realized that beneath all that garbage, I did love her. Maybe it was an entirely different sort of love, one that I wasn't familiar with. But it was love, God knows it was love, and that's why I kept trying, no matter how tough it was for me, because what was getting in the way wasn't honesty of intention. It was my inability to stop judging the surface situation and understand what was actually going on.

But--

But what, Gen? You asked me, not the other way around. And you explained why before anything happened. It sounds more to me like you're unable to stop judging yourself.

I know, you said that before...

But you wouldn't answer me when I asked you what you were judging. Was it honesty?

...Not honesty, just...

Category. You're trying to put this in boxes, just like Jewel used to, and I am so sick of seeing you people doing that. You think I said yes on January 1st because I was thinking about bloody categories? Heck no!

But you wouldn't say that to Chaos!

Chaos didn't ask. And I didn't ask him. If I'm not mistaken, you did.

Gen, you were being honest, weren't you?

Yes, I--

Then why the heck are we still freaking out over this?

Because--

He's afraid he jumped the gun.

...Yeah.

Genesis.

What?

How is that jumping the gun if you said you'd thought about it, in total seriousness, for almost a year?

...

He's just having a hard time settling into his decision then. No worries, I did too. You remember the black hole thing, right Jewel?

But of course.

Too bloody early for me. I didn't have time to think about it. Ten months later though, you can bet that I followed through on that promise, and then some.

Stars, dear.

My point exactly.

...

Genesis?

...Yeah?

I do love you, you know. Definitely in a different way than I love Jewel, but it's still something. Don't know if that helps or not.

It does, it's just...

Not something you've actively thought about.

Not exactly, no.

I still say we've gotta stop putting this into categories.

What sort of categories? Don't you mean levels?

Nope, levels are totally different, but they play into categories. When you put this into categories, you start locking it out of certain levels. Oh, I put it into this box? Well then to heck with this color, and that one, and that one. When really all you're doing is limiting your perspective. Don't get me wrong, you can still choose not to tread into certain colors, but the point is you need to do so of your own actual volition, and not out of obligation to a nonexistent bloody label.

Really, if Marik and I can stop hating each other long enough to be so honest, then hey--

He doesn't count, you two are practically "frenemies" at this point.

We are not.

Only because Ryou is the middleman.

Hey, no labels, Laurie.

Come on man, I'm just joking around. Or not.

Yeah, diamonds go without saying.

Daresay that's more relevant than we'd like to admit right now?

Ugh, why is this so hard to wrap my mind around...

I think you just need time, love.

Yeah, probably.

What's so distressing though?

Just... crossing the Rubicon, like Chaos said. Realizing that whoa, I actually trust him as much as I trust you, that's new! Except it's not, and now I'm just having a really hard time getting my brain to match up with my heart and it's not the easiest thing in the world, you know.

Well, if you need a brain...

Shut up Laur, no jokes.

Couldn't resist that one, sorry.

You all right now, Gen?

As all right as I'm going to be for the time being.

That's kind of what I was asking.

Yeah, sometimes you just need to up and shout at people. It's cathartic.

No wonder we get along so well!

Don't make me asterisk you, boy.

Haha, okay. But really Gen, if you want to talk to me about this, I'm open. If not, that's fine too.

I just want to know how you can do that so freely now? If you've been through so much, and you're the one who insists on the importance of the soul, how can you just... do this?

Because I'm not losing anything. I'm giving. Like Laurie said, it's not about categories. I know very well what I'm giving, and I don't treat it lightly at all. However, there are two things I always keep in mind. One, that everything is love, and in the end we're all united anyway, so to me it's all resonance. I'm not 'breaking' anything. And because of that, point two is this: when I treat this like I do, guess what? It has absolutely NOTHING to do with broken gems or shadow claws or blood or bones. Nothing. You remember the mythological title I got slammed with, right?

Yeah.

Then there you go. I was terrified of it at first because I knew what had been painted over its surface. But when I stepped back, and looked deeper, and got down to the very core of it...

You found life.

And I found love. Over and over, in more ways than I thought possible. But there it was. Every single time. So please, Gen, if you can look at yourself and see that, then you have nothing to worry about.

...All right.

Are we cool on this now?

As much as we're going to be.

He just needs time, like you said.

Yeah.

Can I point out the irony there, or would you hit me if I did?

Well, it's obvious now, and I can't hit you anyway.

Maybe I should talk to her.

Would it help?

Chaos, all I really need to do right now is stop contradicting myself. I won't get anywhere if I keep insisting something is wrong. I know all of you are right. That's the same stuff I've told myself.

You just need to believe it now.

Yeah. Easier said than done.

Not quite. Get your mind out of it, and you'll be fine.

Speaking of minds and souls. Chaos, when the heck was that insane morning? November 12th or 18th?

You don't have that written down?

Hey, I'm just as shocked as you are! But remember how hard it was to get up that morning. I wouldn't be surprised if I was on cloud nine for the next 24 hours.

No kidding. You're sure you don't have it recorded though?

Let me check my Chrome history, actually... looks like the 18th? I don't think I had started reading Bleach yet, and I ordered those two keychains the same day.

Sounds legit. I'm just shocked you didn't record it.

I probably tried to, but a LOT happened in November so it probably got lost in the shuffle. Which is ridiculous, but apparently it happened.

Hey, you two?

Yeah?

You wanna close this up or what?

Already?

Sure. It's really late, Genesis looks like he could use a break, and Jewel, I don't think you can hold a channel for much longer anyway.

It's been a long evening, yeah.

Don't worry, if we're all still alive with access to a computer after Christmas, we'll talk on here again.

Not saying anything for certain yet, huh?

Heck no. Even with that promise you made, and everything the boss keeps telling me, I don't--

Wait, you call my boss your boss too?

Why not? He's awesome.

Whoa, that puts him pretty high up on the charts!

Hey, I'm your boss too, and I say you get some actual sleep before your other one drags you off to work.

Good point. Genesis, once more, are you going to be okay?

Yeah. Just... it's a lot to deal with.

It is.

Our invisible readers probably have no clue what the heck is going on. Really, I'm not even sure at this point.

Yeah, it's been an... interesting session.

I still can't believe you apparently threw Waldorf.

I did, and I'll toss you out too if you don't get moving. People need sleep. Out.

Geez, you can give us a few minutes. It's been a long time since we've all been in here and honestly I'm kind of just enjoying the company.

Same here.

Really?

Yeah. Sorry I was judging everything so harshly. The world really isn't as threatening when I stop pretending I'm a target.

Well you're not, so stop doing that.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

You probably could have, except it would have sounded a lot harsher.

Like what?

Hm?

I want to hear how she'd say it. Go on.

You're not a bloody target and nothing out there is going to kill you. So chill the heck out.

Thought so.

Hahaha.

Seriously, Genesis, you do realize that headspace is the safest place you could possibly be, in this situation or otherwise?

How do you mean?

I mean you've got me looking out for you, for one. Then there's everyone else up here. And then there's the fact that we're impervious to the hell downstairs that Jewel has to deal with every day, unless we actively choose to participate in it. Which you often do, I have to admit.

But it still can't touch me.

Exactly. And Jewel would never let anything harmful come near you, you know that.

You're right, Laurie.

Yeah, no kidding.

No, not that, at least not entirely... I'm too tired to think straight.

Heh, that too. We've all had some pretty messed up sleep schedules lately, now that you mention it.

I assume that means no shenanigans tonight?

Heck no, there's been enough of those lately.

I was kidding.

I can never tell with you, man.

Good point.

But really, Jewel, lay off it for a while. I think you're rerouting the homesickness too much.

You're still getting that?

Yeah. I just don't talk about it as it's usually in the background regardless. I try not to let it bother me.

Problem is, when you make it unconscious, then it starts to surface unconsciously. Be careful.

I will be. Promise.

Seriously, save the sparkles for Sunday night, will you?

Yeah, we've gotta break last years record, you know.

Well God help me, my heart's probably going to explode.

In a good way, I assume.

Absolutely. Are we going to Dare-Gale it or do you think we can find something else?

That's up to you. As long as we can loop it for three hours or more, I'm fine with whatever you choose.

Sweet. I'll find something, promise.

Hey, and another thing.

What?

Since you're back into the swing of things, how about you draw something for Sunday?

Oh man, I really need to.

Then try to. I know your schedule is a mess, but honestly, put Saturday aside or something.

And then confirm that Facebook marriage request for heaven's sake.

Hahaha, that too! Make it official.

Ironically.

Well obviously, Facebook is junk but that way everyone on your newsfeed is going to be all "whoa what the heck?"

Interspecies marriage what? You have an alien daughter what?? When did this happen???

Ninth anniversary???? What?!?!

The punctuation just keeps getting crazier.

Hahaha.

No no no, you have to do it like Genesis did. Come on, say it.

Really?

Really. Do it.

Fine... WHAT?!?

Yes!!!

OH MY GOSH WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!

There it is!

Hahaha!

At least you're laughing now, that's good.

Yeah, it is. Thanks guys.

Hey, we're here for you. No matter what is going on, we're here to listen, and help as much as we bloody well can.

That means a lot coming from you, actually. Thanks.

Come on, man, you know I've had that offer out to anyone for months now.

Not explicitly. You've never actually said that to me.

Huh. I guess I didn't. Sorry.

It's okay. I should apologize for giving you the cold shoulder for so long.

You gave me the cold shoulder?

I did, actually. I guess part of me just couldn't fully accept how much you mean to Jewel now. I mean we've been friends for a while now, but casual conversation is one thing. Actually feeling safe in the same room as another person is another.

Good point. So are we there yet?

Yeah. I think last night locked it in.

How so, if you don't mind my asking?

Probably when you actually put your walls down around Chaos. I dunno, I think that's what... what made me decide for sure what I wanted to do. I'd never seen you do something like that, ever.

You've never seen me around Jewel?

Like that? No.

What?? Chaos, this man is out of the loop!

What, what did I miss?

I think Laurie and I have an unofficial rivalry going on now.

Unofficial.

Another one, not the one we already have, you moron.

Pff. I love how you have to specify that.

True though. But yeah, he's getting back at me for all the times I didn't knock.

Uh... how? Actually, do I want to know?

That's up to you, bud.

I still cannot believe you didn't chase me out.

Hey, I trust you enough not to, okay? And I couldn't care less if you're already in the room. You go forgetting to knock around me, though, and I'll slice your head off.

It'll grow back, haha!

Yeah, 'cause you're a mutant.

Better than not being one and not having my head grow back!

Point taken.

You two have the weirdest conversations.

Hey, you wanna jump right in, mister no-neck?

No wrists either, take that!

Can't behead him if you tried, he's already beat you to it.

Foiled again!

And I just don't die.

Yeah, see, you're the worst of us because I can behead you, and you'll still figure out a way to respawn after that.

Love never dies, haha.

You can't kill Cupid, I guess.

Obviously. You're lucky I even used to let you try.

Hey, I don't get the axe out anymore unless he asks, all right? No more wanton butchering going on up here.

Not unless Barry decides to come visit.

I'd like to meet him, but then another part of my brain just goes, "heck no."

That would be the sane part, dear.

Probably.

Hey, I thought you told me to get some sleep? I can't exactly do that if you're still talking.

That is true. Sorry kid.

I did ask for a few more minutes, though. That's my fault.

Yeah, to do what? Unwind?

Basically. Just so we weren't cutting this too short, too soon.

Sorry I ate most of the conversation, guys.

That's no problem, we don't like going to sleep with unsolved problems here anyway.

This is true.

So. Since we're terrible at closing conversations, how are we going to do this?

Haven't got a clue.

That depends on whether we want it to be serious or not.

I'm voting for serious, actually. I've been through enough crazy stuff this afternoon. Chaos?

I'm fine with whatever Genesis says.

I'll go for serious too. I think it matches the mood better.

Plus I did kind of forbid joking around at the beginning of this half. Can't go breaking my own rules all the time, you know.

Serious closing up, then. How to do that today, hm... first I think I will lay down on this couch.

What does that mean?

I'm a nut, I'm crazy in the coconut. But really, this boy's had enough therapy already.

Are you falling asleep?

Somewhat. So I'm sorry if translations are a bit off. I'm slowly drifting into poet mode, I think. Not there yet, but the potential's there.

I went into poet mode once, you know.

Straight-up?

Yeah.

Nice. Wish I could do that.

You don't sleep, so it'd probably be tricky...

Hey, I can sleep, I just choose not to, most of the time.

You did sleep that one night we were chilling in the impossible room, yeah.

Because I only sleep when I am absolutely sure things are safe. I'm so hardwired to protect everybody that it's really bloody hard to relax enough to sign off for the night.

I think it says a lot about our entire situation that you were able to, then.

It does.

Oh man, this song. Chaos, this one makes me think of you.

Nightingale?

Yeah.

How so, lyrics, or what?

Mostly the sound. Harmonies and all that. But the lyrics are relevant as always. Laurie and Genesis, I have to find more songs that make me think of you guys.

Well you did just stick that bloody song by P!nk on my wall...

Hey, it's accurate.

Which one was that?

True Love, ironically.

Accurate!

I didn't say it wasn't, you moron.

Proving the point...

Hey, you shut up too, man.

I'm sorry for not having been around lately, by the way.

I know. But I'm very happy you're here right now. I missed you a lot.

I know... I missed you too. I should have said where I was going.

Hey, I don't mind people coming and going without explanation, as long as I can find out whether or not they're okay. Problem was no one was sure where you had gone for a few days. That had me worried.

I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it love, really. As long as everything worked out okay in the end, I am fine with it.

You always are.

But of course. Now can I get some sleep?

Sure. Want me to leave first?

No, because then neither of us will want to leave afterwards.

Good point! So I've gotta chase you out first, cool. No chairs, Jewel?

No chairs, and I didn't say goodnight to anyone yet. I'll probably fall asleep as soon as I hit the pillow so I won't be able to talk to anyone after this. So, we close up for the night now.

Works for me.

I love all of you. I really do.

We know.

No, like... a heck of a lot. You probably do know at this point but still. Trying to say it in words does it no justice. I'd kiss all of you but that's the sleep making me forget I'm still online, haha.

Then log off and then do it, why the heck not?

That's a good idea.

But you know what, that makes me think of something.

What?

The whole love thing we keep discussing. How we've got to stop putting it in categories, and just be entirely honest about it.

Yeah?

...I could probably say that to all three of you, for heaven's sake. Different context, of course, but it's the same thing each time. Really makes me think, considering those three words aren't something I've ever taken lightly, let alone dared to say for years.

...

Guess that's the point I've been trying to make with talking to you, Genesis. There's different ways to show it, sure. And you feel it differently for different people and all that. There's billions of variations on the same bloody thing. I guess that's why I find it so fascinating. I'd never really seen it that way until you stopped being afraid of it yourself, Jewel. And then that was it, that was the catalyst that sparked a billion flames, if you want to put it that way.

I like that way of describing it, yeah.

So there you go. I love all you guys. Coming from me, you already know that means a lot.

It does. Thanks, actually.

For what, saying it or feeling it?

Both. I mean, you hated me barely two years ago.

Two years is a heck of a long time, man. But you're welcome.

Genesis has this fantastic look on his face.

I'm thinking, okay?

Don't think too much, it rots your brain.

I can attest to this.

No, seriously, I'm just letting that sink in. It's not something I expected to hear.

Gotta stop putting expectations on things, kid.

Yeah, I know, but it's the truth.

So. I've said my piece, how about you, blue guy?

Well, you're the only person I haven't said it to here, because it's kind of awkward.

Then don't say it so directly. I didn't, for the same bloody reason.

And to think, last December around this time...

Hey, one snog doesn't prove anything.

Yes it does, actually.

I waited nine years for my first one downstairs!

Yeah, and then you two just went off the rails in that regard.

Nine years of waiting will do that.

I still wish someone had channeled me.

Heh, yeah, you kind of missed out. And we promised Xennie we'd try to get her through too, didn't we?

Yeah, but remember, that all banked on our channelers. You guys have heavy-duty energy, and you stick around. That stuff is seriously draining. You couldn't expect them to channel very often.

Especially when the person being channeled can't remember that humans have bones, you weirdo.

I said I was sorry, geez.

Or noses.

Or entirely different biological systems than you, wink nudge and a really loud cough.

I am never going to live that down, am I.

I thought it was hilarious. In a good way.

You would.

Course I would, I couldn't stop kissing him either.

So the point is, yes, one snog does prove a lot.

Come on man, we were all high on Cupid's energy here, that's all it proves.

Still.

Chaos, you'd kiss everybody that so much as looked at you if you could.

Hey, I'm an affectionate guy.

I think context plays into that too, though.

It does, it really really does.

Well fine, go ahead and punch a hole right through my teasing, why don't you.

Heh.

Maybe one day. But who knows.

Jewel just wants all four of us together.

It would be nice.

You are the only human in the world who would use "nice" to describe that concept.

Because it's different for us, duh. Different biology of course.

Which you are addicted to.

I won't deny that. That and sharp teeth.

Your addiction to fangs is hilarious to me, just saying.

Laurie if you had fangs I would be all over you.

Well.

He probably would. I mean look at me.

You are every one of my aesthetic weaknesses put together. That or you're the reason I have them.

I'd put my money on the latter.

Same.

I have never been so thankful to have fangs in my life.

Hahaha!!

All right, before Jewel starts hitting on everyone, let's get to sleep.

I'm just kidding around, seriously man. I hit on everyone the way it is.

He has a point.

Still... can we all just agree that there's an unquestionable sort of unspoken love between all four of us that is awesome and gorgeous and worth everything we've been through to get here, because that's one of the top three things I'm the most thankful for in the entire world and I am really tired.

Of course, that's obvious at this point.

It is, I agree.

Count me in, too.

Really?

Well, yeah, when you put it that way it really isn't that hard to see.

Good. Because you've always been the odd one out here and that ain't cool.

I'm trying to fix that, if you haven't noticed.

Oh, I have. Means a lot.

It does.

Now if you don't mind, I'm going to follow Jewel off to work, so have a good one.

Wait, you're seriously going to sleep right now.

Yeah. I'm tired. I'll talk to you tomorrow. 'Night.

You could sound a little less exhausted.

Geez, Laurie, fine. Good night, all of you, thanks for everything.

Love you, Genesis.

Love you too, Gen.

I know, I love you both.

Uh, excuse me?

You, Laurie, are an absolute pain in the neck but I don't know where any of us would be without you, and you're really not half bad. Is that good enough for now?

That's perfect. See you tomorrow.

Thank goodness. Jewel, I'm heading out. Don't stay up much longer, please.

I won't. Have a good night, love.

You too.

And suddenly the song on my wall makes so much more sense!

So is he your frenemy or what?

I don't hate people, but if you wanna joke about it that way, go right ahead, I deserve it for my comment earlier. Still, I think it's hilarious. The more things I can tease him about the better.

I still think that label fits you two better.

Eh, it used to. But I dunno, you're too cool of a guy to pick on all the time anymore.

Thanks. Same to you.

Just realized I shouldn't be labeling things though.

Haha, pretty slow on the uptake there, kid.

I said I was tired, sweetheart.

Yeah, you did.

You know, if he falls asleep, we're going to be stuck in here alone.

And?

And I don't care how well we get along now, or how ridiculously affectionate I can be, it is going to be way too awkward if that happens.

Define awkward.

Meaning I've drunk-snogged you once, we've both seen way too much of each other's personal lives, and we've been through enough emotionally charged situations together to be way too comfortable around each other.

And your point is?

My point is, if I start getting overtired, I can't guarantee what will or won't happen.

Really?

Don't look so excited, it's a legitimate concern of mine.

Man I think it's hilarious. Can't say I'd want to test the theory but the thought of it is cracking me up.

Glad you find me so amusing.

All the time, bud.

Can we close this up now?

I think that's a perfect spot to call it quits, yeah.

Pretty much.

Glad we agree.

You two are adorable.

Well that was a completely unexpected turn of events.

Today has just been awesome.

Stuff's going to keep getting awesome, so get used to it.

I personally can't wait to see what the heck we have to talk about after Christmas. Chaos, I fully expect you to break last year's record, just so you know.

Hey, I plan on it, don't worry.

On that note, I love you both.

Love you too, kid.

Mm-hm.

Chaos, don't look at me like that if you don't plan on starting something.

If either of you start something at this hour I will kill you.

It doesn't have to be a big something, Laurie. I'm happier with little things.

Heh. Well then, start as many little things as you want.

I love you, Jewel.

There we go. Thank you.

No, thank you, because when you're like this I can't not say it.

Yeah, you've got a really interesting look on your face right now.

Galaxies.

What?

Jewel gave you stars. Just a few, though. Once you have enough to make a galaxy, you'll understand exactly why I'm looking at him like this right now.

...

Hey, Chaos?

Yeah?

Je t'aimerai toujours.

Heh. All right, that's it, I'm gone.

Gone where?

To heaven. Don't expect to get a postcard this time, though.

Why the heck not?

Because Jewel finally gave you a map.

...

Have a good night, Laur.

Yeah, you too. Thanks.

Good night, Laurie.

Actually, wait a second.

Hm?

Just... I may not understand the galaxy thing yet, but I think I understand enough.

You probably do.

I love you too, kid.

Mm. I know.

And somehow that's the perfect response.

Genesis really needs to see you like this.

Maybe. It'll happen when it needs to.

Let's not rush anything, love. Life's too beautiful to rush through.

Can I say one last thing?

Sure.

If, by some off chance, the world did end tomorrow, I actually wouldn't mind. Do you know why?

Why?

Because you've made every single second of my life worth living. And because of you, I'm not afraid to die anymore.

...Are you tearing up?

Yep. Not gonna hide it.

Thank you.

Anytime, kid.

And I love you too.

...

Can I end this session right here? Because I think that smile on your face is worth immortalizing.

Please do. 

All right.

This is all worth immortalizing though. I never thought I'd have a life as unusual and beautiful as this, but, now that I do...

Now that we all do...

It's perfect.

And even when it ends, these moments will shine on, like stars.

And with enough of 'em, we can make a galaxy, am I right?

You got it, love.

I think I get it, Chaos.

I knew you would.

Today was pretty bright.

Tomorrow will be brighter.

It always is.

All you've gotta do is look up at all those stars, right?

Exactly.

Then both of you promise me you won't forget to do that whenever it gets dark.

Cross my heart.

I promise, too.

Good. Then let's all keep shining on.

Straight on through the night...

Until we're bright as the sun itself.

I think we're close.

I don't doubt it.

Neither do I.

One last thing.

Hm?

You can't have a new beginning if you're holding on to the old.

I think that's relevant too, in more ways than one.

Time to take a step forward into the night, then?

Are you kidding? Look at all these stars.

With that much light, it's impossible to get lost in the dark.

Exactly. So let's take that next step, shall we?

All together?

Always.

Ready when you are, love.

Then let's go.