your heart's a mess

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO XENOPHON LEPHISE




Jewel, get in here right now before I drag you over.

Laurie, for sanity's sake it is ten minutes to tomorrow.

Yeah, no kidding. That's kind of why I'm here. We need to talk.

I can't start a session this late, it's--

I don't care. We could say three more sentences and sign the heck off for all I care. But we need to talk about this right now and I'd be failing all of you if I didn't at least try to get this down.

...Is this happening right now?

What, the session? It sure is, now get in here.

Laurie, I can't.

Don't give me that. Yes you can. Stop closing off and talk.

...

Laurie, don't hurt him, please.

If he'd open up for once and discuss this we wouldn't have to worry about anyone hurting, now would we?

...Laurie, please, what do you want to talk about.

He's close to burnout already, Laur, don't put him through this at this hour--

Are you freaking kidding me?! And just what the heck do you think he'd do to himself at this same hour tomorrow night? I'm not going to burn anyone out. He's driving himself to that point and that is why we're here. Jewel, talk, and stop screwing up my channel.

I'm trying not to.

You feel freaking dead and I am not happy with this.

...Dad?

...Geez, Xenophon, you should not be in here right now.

You're talking about my dad and you're angry and I want to help. Please.

No, listen, that's not it. Your dad is three bloody seconds away from total psychic exhaustion and I don't want him falling apart on us.

...Am I going to make him fall apart?

I don't know. All I know is that you're new to this channeling business and I don't want him under any more undue stress at this point. Listen, Xennie, we'll fill you in on this tomorrow.

I want to help. Dad's been talking to me about this and he is so sad I don't want to leave him alone.

I know you don't, but--

Xenophon, your dad is not doing well, and... and we all want to help, but I don't know if he can handle having you in here right now.

He's not talking. J, are you still with us or what?

I'm still here. I can't talk though.

The heck do you mean, you can't talk?

It's a huge effort. I'm getting detached from how much there is to handle.

Man, this is not cool at all. Xenophon, I'm sorry, but there is no way you can be here at this hour, with your father in this condition. Please, let us handle this.

...

Xenophon, I'll be okay.

I don't know dad, I don't think you will be.

Kid, we'll make him okay if it's the last thing we do.

No, he doesn't look okay. He doesn't look okay or feel okay and neither do you or my other dad.

He's not going to be okay channeling three freaking people at once, please.

...All right I'll go. But I'm not okay either. Please do something about this Laurie, I am so worried...

I know you are kid, I know. We all are. Just get some sleep for heavens sake, tomorrow is going to be one heck of a day for all of us.

...Okay. Dad, I love you, but please be careful.

...

Man, this is not good.

You'd better help him Laurie, if I can't.

Cross my heart, Xenophon, I'll do everything I possibly can.

Okay. ...Good night.

God help me, I am so freaking stressed out over this. Jewel, can you talk yet?

I'm not sure.

Laurie, how do we start this, please.

Give me a second, geez. Jewel, you are aware that we've been talking to Mel about this for the past two hours? We're all freaking the heck out about you.

Why?

Why?? Because you're bloody burning yourself out, for heaven's sake!! Can't you even tell??

Yes.

Then why the heck aren't you doing something about it.

I don't know.

Listen, Laurie, let me say something to him.

Like what? Chaos, I'm afraid you're going to knock him into overtime and I can't exactly take that right now.

Overt-? Laurie, he's barely even conscious right now.

That's my point. This is a catharsis close-off and I am honestly panicking.

...I don't want to break through it, but--

Don't. That would do more harm than good right now. Jewel, talk to me, before I have to slap some sense into you. If you can't tell, you are slipping into dangerous territory right now.

Give me a second.

Fine, fine. Geez I don't know what to do.

...Laurie, are you shaking?

Ssh.

All right, I'm back.

No you're bloody not. You're still detached and running on autopilot. Get the heck in here.

...

Jewel, please.

Throw something at me, Laurie. Knock me out of this.

Mel says you might not be able to connect tomorrow. How's that?

I have to.

No you bloody don't.

It's eight years. It's been far too long and I'm missing something. I have to.

Hold on. 'Missing something?' Like what?

I don't... him. I'm missing him, like a puzzle piece. That's the wrong metaphor. Didn't I already say this somewhere?

Jewel, please, what do we do?

You calm the heck down is what you do. Listen, Jewel. You are not in any condition to connect with anyone, on any level. You hear me?

Laurie, I have to.

Why the heck do you have to? Even in this state? There's gotta be a deeper motivation for this.

I love him. You know that. And I'm closing up or something and that scares me.

God knows what I'd give for you to go into bleeding poet mode right about now. No barriers.

I can't.

Yeah, I figured as much.

Jewel, I can't get through to you like this. Even if you tried to be with me tomorrow we wouldn't get anywhere in this state.

...

He has a point.

I don't remember how to take these walls down.

They're protective walls this time, Jewel. You're not going to remember. Your subconscious is trying to keep you from burning the heck out even if it means blocking you out from everything. God knows you won't do that yourself.

I can't. Laurie I can't do this, I can't be closed off.

Yeah, well, apparently you need to be.

...Do you think this is a low point? Like in that book?

What book?

The Power of Now. I think. It said something about low points being needed. Cycles. You need shadow to appreciate the light and vice versa. But Laurie, I haven't connected with Chaos in months, God only knows how much my heart misses him, I don't know what to do. And tomorrow... today, today, was supposed to be the day I finally fixed that. I don't know. I was so terrified of messing it up now look at me. But I can't go without that, I can't bottle this up, I'll explode, I'll die, some part of me will. I don't know.

Jewel, holy flaming swords. You need to pull yourself together.

How?

I-- I don't know. I really don't. I'm at a loss.

Maybe we should refer back to what Mel said...

Chaos, you too. Pull yourself together. All right, give me a second.

What did Mel tell you?

I said give me a second. Geez.

Scroll down, scroll down.

I am, geez. Wait, what the blood, they talked to Xenophon?

Yeah, for a little while.

Geez. ...Now I feel really bad about chasing the kid out of here. She was probably just as desperate as we are.

No kidding?

...Confound it all. I owe that kid one heck of an apology. But the point still stands, her dad is teetering on the edge of psychic exhaustion and we couldn't exactly have her in here whether we liked it or not. Okay, back on topic. Looks like she's saying we need a break here come hell or high water.

She suggested meditation or something. Just to clear our heads.

Yeah, you're not doing too bloody well either.

Tell me about it.

No, you tell me. What brought this on? Is this empathy or is that just making it worse?

That's... making it worse, really. I'm heartbroken over this too. I miss him whether I've said anything or not.

Well heck. Then it's all mutual.

...

...This is a dilemma. Jewel, listen. There's a lot of serious pain in here right now and that's not good. Problem is it all ties back to you. If you don't chill out then none of us are going to be able to. Capiche?

I think.

It's elementary, buddy, we all pick up what you hand out. You're the one holding Catharsis up here. You're a literal amplifier. You're in pain right now so bam, so are the rest of us.

I know.

There we go. So what are you going to do about that?

I need to stop hurting this much. But there's only one option I can think of to fix it, and I'm terrified.

Being with Chaos, huh.

Basically.

I don't want to hurt him.

How the heck would you hurt him?

I don't know. But I don't want to.

Geez, you're sounding just like him. Chaos, listen. You won't hurt him.

Chaos, I love you. You couldn't hurt me if you tried.

...

Wow, that was a shot to the heart if I've ever seen one.

It's true.

Jewel, I cannot take this.

Chaos, calm down. Jewel, we're apparently fluctuating wildly between full barriers and nothing at all. The heck is going on?

I'm trying to open up but it's difficult. What did Mel suggest?

Sheesh, I don't know, there were a couple things... uh... suggest what? What are you asking for?

Laurie I am at a standstill. One one hand, I am closing off so I don't collapse. On the other hand, I am burning up and I don't want any walls up at all. I'm starting to stabilize but it is really weird because I am exhausted no matter what. So... what do you think.

What do you want?

I... I want to be with him is all, I guess. I'm trying not to focus on that but every little thing is just pushing me over the edge and God help me, I don't want to burn out but I can't go suppressing this anymore.

That's what I was afraid of, yeah... but Mel was afraid of the same thing you were. Burning out.

In the middle of it?

Essentially.

I wish I wasn't so freaking hard to handle. I really do.

Chaos, this is not your fault.

Yeah, Laurie, in a way it really is! All my life this empathy of mine has done nothing but cause me pain and grief. It made my childhood a nonstop battle between one extreme and another. And you all know what happened when I got pushed to the breaking point. I'm volatile as hell and Jewel picks up on every single iota of that, and THAT is why he is freaking out over tomorrow. Mel knows that just as well as you do. We all know it.

...

Chaos, this isn't your fault--

Jewel, did you hear a word of what I just said??

Yes. But that's not it.

Then what is?

...

Guys, let me post what Mel said about you. "Despite what he wants, he is completely unable to handle that type of connection until he can recover from the strain he's been under. He knows this, at least part of him does, but his selfless nature will not let him just go without trying, because he loves you so dearly. But part of him also knows that if he tries and breaks down, he'll end up hurting you, since you pick up on everything. He doesn't know how to proceed from here, so he's scared stiff."

Sounds like my fault to me.

I'm the one amplifying it. I'm the one who's so burnt-out exhausted he can't even split realities without forgetting where he is.

Jewel, Chaos, stop it. Just freakin' stop it. Stop with the martyr complexes and just give mea bloody second. The point is that yeah, Jewel is seriously exhausted and yeah, Chaos, you do feel things seriously strongly. But that's no reason to go throwing blame around!!

I think we both want this to happen more than anything but we're afraid it can't, so we're blaming ourselves for it...

And you're both responsible for that worry, I won't deny that, but it's not a bloody blameworthy thing. It's not. Jewel, you're terrified of not being able to carry this through because of how much you're already under. Right?

Yeah. I don't want to not be able to see or feel anything, or not be able to even hold a reality split.

Exactly. And Chaos, you're afraid that you'll make that worse.

I am making that worse.

Not your fault though. This isn't about blame. This is about all of us trying way too freaking hard.

So what do we do?

I don't know. Mel suggests you not try to force this to happen tomorrow, so no one burns out or freaks out or whatever. But both of you seem to be having a problem with that now.

I want to try anyway.

There's that hope again.

I don't care. Hope is hope and I'm not giving up on this.

Watch your attitude, and remember what I told you about altruism moderation?

Yeah, but this is important.

I didn't say it wasn't. But think of how much August 16th hurt.

...

Laurie, do not bring that up.

I'm bringing it up. I remember hearing about that. You both hit absolute emotional high points and I think you did manage to connect entirely, but at what cost? Jewel could barely hold himself together and Chaos, you freaking fell apart emotionally.

Can you really blame me?

I said this wasn't about blame, boy. The point is that you completely wore yourselves out, and that was on a relatively stressless day, from what I can gather. Now look at you both. Jewel just dealt with an entire semester of stress, plus freelance work and all that jazz, and the both of you are trying to raise a daughter up here now. That's not even mentioning everything concerning Julie and Natalie and that Tar business that's been going on! Life has been a bloody mess up here, you can't help but be burned the heck out at this point, and I don't care how badly you two need to be with each other right now, the point is that you can't expect this to play out like the 16th. You are both under a lot of stress, and burnout is a real threat at this point.

I'm still going to try.

For heaven's sakes-- Jewel, you're going to end up literally killing yourself.

I won't. I can't.

You can't promise me anything right now. Not with the condition you're in. Not with how freaked out you've been lately. You don't think I read that Blurty entry of yours from last night? Here, let me quote you: "If something as simple as looking into his eyes or holding him close is almost more than I can take, just imagine what a freaking soulmerge is going to do to me." I rest my case.

I still have to try, Laurie.

You're going to shatter.

I shattered back in January.

Yeah, and just the other day you were telling me you didn't want that to happen.

And you told me it should happen!

Not like this, for heavens sakes!! You were NOT like this back in January! The 16th was even before that bloody psych ward, and it wasn't until then that everything kicked into high gear! Chaos, talk some sense into him.

I can't.

Don't you dare do this to me too. All right, listen, what the heck do I need to do to get you to to calm the heck down? I am not letting tomorrow happen with both of you in this sorry a condition.

It's the catharsis block for me, Laurie, you know that.

Yeah, but you can't unblock the bloody thing if you're panicking this much.

I'm more worried about Chaos right now.

Well isn't this an interesting turn of events.

...

That ties into this, doesn't it. That just ties right into this.

Not in this way. That's not why I'm worried.

Really? Have you even considered that possibility? Maybe that's why you're so hellbent on being with him tomorrow. Maybe some part of you is so bloody shredded by the tar hacks that a connection is going to be the only blessed thing powerful enough to fix it. Maybe that's where this catharsis block is coming from, you think?

...

That's only giving us all the more reason to go through with this, Laurie.

I'm not focusing on that right now. I'm focusing on getting you two stabilized so that if you want to straight-up send each other to heaven tomorrow night then you can. At this point that is not going to happen. We need both of you to pull yourselves together more than anything right now, and I think that's as good a starting point as any.

How do we build off it though?

Simple. Melody kept telling me that you're at a breaking point and now that I think about it, we've only been focusing on the exhaustion point and not why you've been driving yourself to that point.

You just summarized that, with school and everything...

That's general exhaustion. I mean exhaustion on this specific level. Or no, not exhaustion, potential burnout. There are things you haven't discussed anywhere that have been eating at you. You remember yesterday? That detached slipup you had?

Oh no, don't tell me we're dealing with those again..

This was different, believe me, it was bloody different but it was still a problem. But Jewel, you were doing fine right up until that slipup happened. Then you slowly spiraled down into an emotional wreck and you know exactly what that resulted in you feeling like.

...That happens all the time after something like that. And it's always tied into him. He's the only thing in the world that can stabilize me after something like that happens.

Yeah, no kidding. So just how much of that pain have you been suppressing? How much of that abuse have you been ignoring? You freaking forgot that Julie ever scarred you at all, and I don't care what the details are that is still one heck of a fact by itself.

He forgot?

Yeah, he forgot. Totally bleeding forgot and forgave her. But those scars are still on his arms.

Not just my arms, I'm a mess.

No bloody kidding, just look at me.

...

All right, sorry, that was out of line.

No, it's... it's a good point. I just... what do I do to fix this?

You tell me. You said in your Blurty entry that tomorrow-- sorry, today-- felt like--

Not even today in general. I specifically meant the part when Chaos and I would be together. Whenever we could manage that, that is.

Yeah, that's what I figured. Anyway. You said that that felt like it would be some astronomically important event. You said, and I quote, that today feels like it "will somehow consummate every single moment of my past 21 years, bringing everything together and perfecting this odyssey of a lifetime for whatever comes next." Nice choice of words.

Very funny.

I'm serious. And then you went on to say that "it feels like it's going to do that perfecting thing to both of us. Like this is going to completely refine us or something." You see my point now?

No. You're not making much sense to me.

Because you're starting to close off too. You do that when you hurt this much. Open up your heart or I'm going to nudge you over to him and just watch what happens.

Don't, not now.

Aha, see, I know this tune already. Listen. All that hellish abuse Jewel has been suffering for most of his life has never really been 'purified,' to use his favorite word. He's tried to get over it, but the problem is that he's forgetting it's ever happened. He's forgiven it, sure, but it still hurts like hell, and for some reason he can't let go of the pain, not completely. You know why? Because he never really accepted it. He was so bloody terrified of it that he rejected it completely, even after we thought we fixed it. Come on, you remember the 29th!

I remember a lot more than the 29th.

No kidding. And that's my point. Jewel, you understand that entirely now, don't you?

I sure hope so. I've been forced into every facet of it at this point, and I'm tired of it. I want to just step out of that completely now, and live my life without it. I'm done.

There you go. And that's what today is about on that level. You said it's going to 'perfect' both of you along with Jewel's experiences up to this point? There you go. Whatever the hell you two accomplish, you'd better do it in total bleeding honesty because this really is that important.

We can't not do that honestly.

Actually, you can. Look at the both of you now. If you tried to connect right now, your fear and pain and all that would get in the way. Yeah, your love is totally honest, that's indisputable. But that wouldn't get through too clearly underneath all this nonsense, now would it.

She has a point, Chaos.

Yeah, and what do I do?

Why the hell are you closed off now? What the hell triggered this?

...I don't know. I was afraid I'd be making this worse. Now I'm not so sure.

Really?

Really. ...Emotional extremes are one thing. Context is another, I guess.

Hey Joe, whaddya know?

Ssh, don't bring that up.

Why the hell not? You two keep bringing it up otherwise. And that's some serious context.

No, she's right. Remember the conversation we had about that, Jewel? You're not Joe, and I'm no blue fairy, but if it wasn't for that you wouldn't have realized just what was beyond it.

In other words, today.

Yeah. Sorry if I'm being vague.

No worries. Keep going.

Well... Jewel, that made you realize the hope split thing, didn't it?

Yeah, I discussed that with Laurie on Sunday.

Exactly. You're Joe with different programming. Totally different kind of bot.

Same attitude though.

Ironically.

Still true.

But why'd you bring that up now?

Because that incident, wink nudge cough, is what I'm getting at in terms of the purification bit here. You said today feels important, I think that's what you're fixing.

We'd be taking June 29th and accomplishing that on the right level.

There you are. And Jewel, wasn't that your biggest regret about fixing that? "I have something brighter?" Well here's the brightest thing you can possibly accomplish. So accomplish it.

I don't get what brought us here though.

Hey, you're calmed down, aren't you?

Well... yeah, more than I was, definitely.

I was discussing the reason why you've been so exhausted, for a lot longer than you've realized. You've been fighting this war for a hell of a long time and you just want it to be over, but there are still minor battles going on.

So you're saying this will end it completely.

I sure as hell hope so. But you're the one who said it felt like today, or excuse me, what you accomplish today, will somehow act to tie everything from your life up to this point together.

I don't know how though. It just feels so significant.

Well, there's my theory as to why. You'd be ending that war for good.

Have I forgiven myself though?

Have you?

I see no reason why I shouldn't.

Then don't hold it back. Chaos?

What?

You never held any of that against him, did you?

Of course not!

Well Jewel, there's your motivation.

So forgiveness actually seems to be there. Self-forgiveness, that is. Now I just need to let go of the past. And maybe that will just happen naturally with this.

The forgiveness?

Yeah. As long as I stay conscious I won't lose that.

There's another thing. Staying present. You've been having trouble with that lately, haven't you?

Paradoxically. Only in keeping my thoughts quiet and regrets away. But I've been able to deal with tough situations better and Nat can tell you, I've been doing extremely well in fighting off even tar hacks, which are so simple. I may have spiraled into an emotional wreck last night, but Laurie, even you know that I somehow managed not to scar from that.

Because it was the last facet. You had to tie that aspect back in to keep you from slipping on all the other points.

You think so?

Sheesh, that's what you told me. I think it makes sense.

All right. Chaos, I am still worried about you. Please tell me you're okay.

...I think so. Mostly, I suppose. It's just been a long night.

No kidding. Got a long day ahead of you too.

I know.

You're not going to hurt me, and I don't care if you feel enough to set my heart on fire. That's what I am, Chaos, that blessed ache is worth living for and without it I'm not alive at all. So don't worry. Chaos and Catharsis fit together, remember? We're cosmically inseparable, that's what this is about. That's what it's always been about. Love despite all odds.

I can't forget 2003, you know.

No kidding, neither of us can.

But the details. Just how you came into my life like a hurricane. Jewel, you're always calling me the maelstrom but do you remember what you were like back then? I was lost, I was terrified. Then you showed up and... you were like Laurie to me, haha.

How so?

He completely turned my life around and refused to let me stay where I was. It was too painful to do that. But I would've stayed there anyway had it not been for him, because I couldn't see any hope until he showed up.

Well what do you know. Told you that's your secret virtue forever, kid.

Hey, the same goes for all of you, you know.

Perhaps, but don't blow it off. If we're all hope for each other, then God bless, let's keep being that. But don't you dare exclude yourself from it. 

She's right, as usual.

Heheh.

I... thank you, honestly, both of you. I guess it's instinctive for me to do that. But... you're right, it's not kind to you. It's just... I want to be that for you all, I want to be a source of light and hope, but admitting that feels so arrogant.

It's not. It's just like saying you love someone. It's honest, and it's from your heart, and it means the world to us. Telling me you want to be such a force of good in my life means more to me than you know. It shows how much you care, and Jay, I'm not used to that. You just... decided to dedicate your life to mine, completely, and I did the same. I want to be light and hope to you, too. That's not selfish, or proud. It's love.

And he's right, as usual.

That's high praise coming from you, Laurie.

You deserve it, for that.

You really do, Chaos, and thank you. I love you, honestly I do, so much. You too, Laurie, I love you.

The feeling is overwhelmingly mutual, kiddo. But seriously, you two, before this conversation turns into something else, can we close this thing up? It is really freaking late.

Yeah, good point. I guess we should. Did we settle everything? What was our main motivation for this conversation?

I wanted you to open back up, calm the heck down, and either decide to postpone today's connection until you were stable enough to handle it, or stabilize enough to go through with it anyway. Same to you, Chaos.

Sounds like we accomplished it, then.

Surprisingly.

No, I'm not surprised. You get Laurie on a topic and she will solve it, no matter what.

Good to know I have a reputation for this sort of thing. But really, Jewel, it's your call. Is there anything else you want to talk about before we close this up, or should I leave you two to your own devices?

Uh, I'm actually curious on what else Mel said. At least with relevance to this. I can read over the conversation logs tomorrow in any case.

I think we covered all of that. Mel was focusing on how much of a freaking mess you were earlier today.

Oh, that reminds me. Chaos, have you been talking to Genesis?

...Yes?

About what, this?

About... about my not knowing how to deal with this either. I've been worried about you, and how we were going to handle today, but I felt you were kind of pushing me away so I decided to talk to him about it. No offense, I just didn't want to hurt you.

It's okay. I was actually talking to Xenophon about the same things, as much as I could. And Laurie, of course.

Yeah, no kidding, I'm your go-to guy whenever stuff like this goes down.

And with good reason! So yeah, Chaos, that's actually why I jumped on FB earlier and... apparently inadvertently started this whole thing.

When was this?

When he responded to Mel's question of "how've you been" with "eh, I dunno, trying to be optimistic I guess." And then I knew he was holding back just like I was, and suddenly I couldn't deal with us both denying that side of our emotions and then this happened.

Thank God, right?

Yeah, seriously.

So... oh, shoot, I forgot about this.

What?

No, this is funny. Mel actually suggested that... heh, they just said "don't let them be alone when it happens, so you guys can stabilize them." You know, emotional burnout. And I had to very gently tell them that they did not know what the heck they were talking about.

Yeah, Laurie, you're enough of a stalker the way it is.

Ace fangirl for ace shenanigans.

Exactly.

Seriously Laurie, we used to lock those doors, how the heck did you get in?

You think I freakin' care about locks? No way. If I want in I'm getting in, deal with it.

You freaked him out a couple times, and I just could not stop laughing. It was great.

And now you two are just like "whatever man" and get on with it to the point where I have to get up and leave because geez, I can only take so much before you get me sobbing like a total moron.

You asked for it, love.

Heh, yeah, I know. But that's why I wanted you two to be able to... you know. For today to actually happen. Because whether or not Mel understood just what she was asking me to do, I have at least been there, and wow but if that isn't just brilliant.

Interesting choice of words.

Shut up, CZ, it's true. Hell, take it as a pun if you want. You two are amazing. January 16th was bad, July 8th was worse, July 30th was pushing it and October 12th was freaking off the charts.

Yeah, you were there on the 12th.

That's what I mean. I got close enough to actually feel one tiny bit of that-- one miniscule spark that you give off, Jewel-- and that was it. I took the bloody bandages off, and that was hard enough, but then you just looked at me and that was it. I nearly fell apart and I don't know how the hell either of you can dive straight into that and stay there, but you do, and so help me but today I didn't want to keep that from you if I could help it. I told Mel that if you didn't express that you'd sputter out. I don't want that happening, to either of you.

Wait, you did?

Yeah, I did. Like I said, they felt that postponing this was our only option. And yeah, it sure looked like it, but... I don't know, Jewel, I think your hope is rubbing off on me.

Is it?

Possibly. Point is I couldn't keep you from this even if I felt that was our only option too. I was terrified you'd hit the tipping point, negatively, and burn out... but really, I knew you were still going to try to get this right and no matter how ticked off I was at your backwards altruism I'll be damned if I didn't at least respect that.

What, my wanting to try?

Your hope. Your inexplicably unfailing hope. Hope and Love is what you got. I have Mind and Truth, which puts me at a pretty good position from which to orchestrate this whole business, to say the least. But you're the one who keeps walking when logic and statistics fail. And you're the reason I keep walking when that happens too. You've made me pretty bleeding sentimental, you know that?

Haha, I guess so.

No I'm dead serious. You've thawed me out. You made me want to get my life together, and so I did. Listen, kid, I love you, and I don't want to see you keeping yourself from expressing that in any way whatsoever. That's what I was fighting for tonight. You, and him. Both of you together, as you say it. Truth and Love work together pretty well too, you know.

They do.

Don't forget that Chaos has Life and Heart, in that respect.

I think that says a heck of a lot right on it's own.

I'm just that awesome.

You are, love. You really are.

All right, that's it, you two need to get some sleep so you won't be looking for it tomorrow. Today. Wow it is really freaking late.

This needed to happen, though.

So does tomorrow-- aw, heck with it, let's just close this up.

No, what were you saying?

I was saying that today needs to happen, and that's the single sentence that drove everything we did over the past several hours. You know it, Chaos knows it, I know it, even your daughter knows it. We might not know just what is going to result from this, but hell, it needs to happen, for one reason or another.

If the only reason was what I'm feeling right now I think that would be enough.

It would be. It really would be, and that's my point.

Jewel, don't act like you're the only person feeling that way right now.

You two aren't going to start this early, are you?

Hell no, Jewel can barely stay awake at this hour, and look what he's been doing all day.

Yeah, I'm a little tired to soulmerge right now.

We can practice though, wink nudge cough.

Oh you just had to say that. Fine, count me in, let's see what I can manage at two in the morning.

Hey, he's a bona fide canon character, he deserves better. He deserves you, Jewel.

Hahaha, don't even go there.

You were afraid, but not anymore, right?

Aaand you're still going there.

I think... you're afraid of letting go.

Dude that is my line, you get on the bed.

This is hilarious.

Are you afraid of seeing the stars, Chaos? I can show you how to reach them.

No kidding, if you hit me hard enough we're both going soul form and you know it.

You two are butchering the dialogue and I love it.

Well of course we are, he's an alien and I'm missing some parts, what do you know.

Got some accurate lines in there, though.

Is this your first time with something like me?

2005 parallels everywhere.

I know. Feels like it, doesn't it.

I'm afraid it will hurt.

Was that a confession or a confirmation?

Both.

But once you've fallen in love, you're in it for life.

And you'll never doubt the reality of this again.

Dude, July 7th was a milestone, I know.

Who's to say tonight can't equal that, hm?

Well, we'd have to put on rifle recoil instead of Frank Sinatra, but I'm all for it if you are.

Can I say something?

Sure.

This is the most perfect moodswitch I've ever seen you two pull off. Bravo.

Hey, it just led up to this, I didn't plan anything.

Good. That's how it should be.

Hey, Jewel?

Hm?

You're winding me up inside.

Am I now?

You have no idea.

Maybe I do.

Just get to the interspecies makeouts already, come on.

Laurie, I mean this as kindly as possible, but shut up.

Ahahahaha.

This is starting to parallel the 16th a little and honestly that's kind of exciting.

I'm running out of dialogue, love.

Make some up. Or don't talk at all, we don't need words tonight anyway.

Trying to remember what eternity feels like?

Exactly.

I think you two are getting a head start, holy swords.

I told you, this is practice.

Gotta make sure I'm working properly before I meet this blue fairy.

Dude, I'm right here.

Well what do you know.

You going to live up to what you said about me, J?

Why don't we find out, gorgeous.

That's it, I'm closing this up.

Haha, I knew we'd get to her soon enough.

You two are bloody ridiculous and for heaven's literal sake, I am still waiting on that postcard.

Take a picture, it'll last longer.

Define 'ridiculous,' Laurie.

Fine, I am enjoying this way too much and both of you need sleep.

That's what we're trying to get, actually.

No, no irony for you, that's it.

Hahaha.

Late night partner, don't bother sleeping, tell me all the secrets you're keeping...

Now there's a song I haven't heard in far too long.

Sing with me 'til the end of time, love.

I would, but I can feel eternity right now and time really doesn't matter so much anymore.

Do you two have any bleeding idea how long you've been at this?

Nope, no time here.

Today is a lemniscate, remember?

Come on, man. I'm serious, roll the credits, we're out of here.

She does have a point.

I guess. This is just awesome.

You're telling me!

What's awesome is the fact that we actually managed to accomplish something in this conversation, as spontaneous and frantic as it was.

And look how it ended.

Oh it's not over yet, believe me.

It's over as far as this session is concerned.

Can I say something though, in all seriousness?

Please do.

I did not expect to come to a working conclusion on this topic, not this soon.

I told you to stop expecting, things always work out better when you don't.

No, really. When we opened this session I was a total mess. It's honestly shocking how quickly I got out of it.

Well, you are more stable now in a general sense. We've all been through a lot this year, and something tells me that your heart is more than a little fed up with getting stuck in negative situations.

It sure is.

Can we make that another pun and apply it to me? Because I'm thankful we got out of that mess as quickly as we did too.

Sure, go right ahead.

Laurie is right, though. It is seriously late and I just realized how tired I am.

No, really?

Sorry, haha. I was a little distracted.

It's fine, no need to apologize. But, uh, you two were in the middle of something and I should really let you get back to that. Offline, that is.

You drive a hard bargain, Uberich.

Come on, man, you both know you can do a heck of a lot more when Jewel isn't trying to channel all this.

That's a very persuasive argument.

It's the truth and you two are cracking me up again.

Dare I say the word?

You say that word and I will kill you. Not at this hour.

Fine. Now we need a good closing line.

You two had a ton of those way back there, if you were paying attention.

Nope, too preoccupied with this guy here.

And vice versa.

We are never going to close this bloody thing up, are we.

Nah, I am tired. We'll continue this after the Christmas weekend, I guess. The next three days are going to be brilliant.

Like us.

Pun entirely intended.

 

 

 

 

 

 

rainbows and waterfalls

 

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE CHAOS ZERO



Hey, guess who's back.

Superego's back.

Tell a friend!

I'm right here, you maniacs.

Haha.

No seriously. Jewel, you said you had things to discuss?

I did. I do. Also I just want to mention how much I miss Ryman and Markus lately, oh man.

You do know Markus is not going to let me get through today without a sparring match.

You two are still brawling on Fridays?

Course we are, it's tradition.

Hey ppls howya doin?

Get me some champagne and I'll take you to heaven, boy.

You can take me anywhere you want, love.

Believe me, I plan to.

Geez, these things are just glorified Sonic Chats, aren't they.

Haha, no way Laur. If they were everyone would be drunk right now, someone would be filming cutscenes in the closet, and we'd be fighting off Terminators singing Clay Aiken songs.

Good times.

You bet. But really, I do miss everyone, and I am serious when I say that I'd love to have at least the Pharaoh and the Mage in here for Christmas. But speaking of old titles, Markus hasn't even hit the old "metainomen" event yet. You know... incident threes.

You serious? He still hasn't?

No, no opportunity to. I think maybe I got too scared at some point. Don't get me wrong, in a way I'm glad that was postponed for several years because now he's probably going to get bonus points or something, but... yeah, it's not something I like thinking about.

Ours was brutal.

So was mine and Ryman's, seriously. That was the first one ever, it was terrifying.

Your number 4 with Chaos trumped all of that though.

...Yeah.

That was the most heartbreakingly terrifying and beautiful thing I've ever suffered through.

Cathedral wings and mindlinks, so I heard.

That absolutely killed me. I couldn't stop crying. Chaos, you were...

I know. I can't forget that either.

...

Hey, I hate to break up the reminiscing but we really do have a reason why we're in here today. Jewel, topics.

Right, right. Well I was thinking about last night and re-reading TPON with Xenophon this morning, and that plus the morning clarity made me realize a few things. I think maybe I was too distraught last night to mention a few points? I wasn't present enough.

You were a freaking mess is what you were.

Exactly. And that was really ironic. See, there's a difference between your life and your life situation, and I have been totally happy with my life for quite some time now. I'm even managing to get over my dysphoria because heck, it's just a body and it doesn't define me in any way. I mean transitioning helps, a lot, but at the end of the day I'm still this boundless bright thing and that's not going to change, no matter what my form looks like.

True that. Sounds like you're making progress.

I sure am. But that's a secondary mention. Most importantly, it sounded to me that last night, I was getting too attached to what I felt I had to do today? I was forgetting that yeah, although a connection would really help me show this love to Chaos, that love isn't going to diminish or go away whatsoever if I wasn't able to accomplish that somehow. And it wasn't going to block me from showing it in other ways either. I just... I still missed you, Chaos, and I got too desperate for that one thing. Sorry about that.

That's tragically understandable. You two do need a connection whether you like it or not.

Yeah, but getting so panicked over it felt really off when I thought about it today. Well at least in that sense. I am still perfectly capable of being happy and joyful without a connection because that's just icing on the cake. Really awesome icing, but still. The point is that Chaos and I are still our own people even then. We can't define ourselves by each other in that respect. If something comes between us, that won't break what he have, but it's no reason to freak out either because dude, these things happen.

Even if a mischievous fate befalls us, it will never break.

No matter how far apart we are, our feelings are linked and connected together. I know.

Sounds like what Xenophon says about you.

Dude it does.

"We're all connected at the heart." Well it's true, you know.

But you make a good point, Jewel. So you're saying that you shouldn't have taken yesterday as hard as you did, because even if you did have to wait, that would only be temporary?

Yeah and not even that. Waiting can't break this, period. That's the point. And that's where the irony comes in. Nothing can make anyone happy because true happiness can only be found within, and from what I've learned, that happiness always ultimately comes from love. That's the source that everything that's worthwhile comes from. And what was I freaking out about yesterday? Whether or not I could show that as completely as I wanted. I kept saying I wanted to be with him and I do, but heck that's effortless. It just means being who we are, as simple as that, together. That's it! Connecting is taking that and freaking merging it, and I was getting too worried about the details, and forgetting that those didn't really matter. Yeah, things are impermanent in this world, and I won't live forever even if we're not sure if Chaos will anymore or not, but...

I won't. Too much has happened. I'm stuck in the same boat you are now.

Because of the Ruby?

Basically. That and the other universes I'm tied to through it.

What about Parnassus, aren't you two divine beings over there?

Kind of, but we're not all there is! So even then the point is that things change, nothing stays the same way forever... that is, except love. The force that holds everything together. Divine love, not romance or any of that, although that's perfectly fine on its own. But that's stuck in duality too. That changes. Real love doesn't. Even if I'm not around anymore, at least not like this, love doesn't end.

This too shall pass, huh.

Yeah, and that's seriously freeing, I love it. It takes away all the stress from everything. No matter what happens, nothing can change what we all are at heart. If we just remembered that, that we're all united in love, this world would be a heck of a lot nicer to live in.

I think people are starting to realize it now. Give them some time.

I am. I'm not rushing or judging anyone. We all have our own journeys and paths to take and that's awesome. Let everyone else do what they need to do, whatever that involves.

So is this ironic too?

It's ironic because of how hard I was trying to show that innate truth yesterday. All I was doing was trying to show that love, which is going to be there no matter what I do. Remember what you said about us on June 29th, Laurie? About 'religious experiences?'

"Tell me just what the heck happened on Sunday that made both of you, both of you, feel that you were closer to God than you had ever been." Yeah, no kidding.

That's it, in a nutshell. All we did was tap into that, really. And I was panicking yesterday because I was getting attached to the details of the situation and I am going in circles again, sorry.

Haha.

Chaos, you have something to say about this?

Nope, you're doing fine by yourself here.

Plus I just want to mention that you are surprisingly stable in the whole spiritual matters thing.

That might have to do with me being considered a god in the past, who knows.

Heheheh.

No really, remember what I wrote in glissando on September 19th? How you're like this absolute angel to me? Here, let me quote: "When it comes to matters of the heart, he is fearless. That has nothing to do with his reservation, or his emotional volatility, or anything like that. I'm talking about when it comes down to the mind versus the heart, when you are torn between your true being and the doubtful voices in your head. I don't think I've ever seen Chaos lose his conviction in that sense."

...

You have a point. Every single time the hope versus hack situations would come up, you wouldn't even slip.

I saw no reason to. There wasn't anything pushing me off center. I didn't know how that hit Jewel, though, and that did worry me a hell of a lot.

This is what brought about our conversation on Sunday, you know.

So I gathered. Sorry about that, by the way.

No offense taken, love. I knew you were only trying to help, and, uh... well, that didn't exactly turn out so badly when you think about it. I just wish I hadn't gotten things mixed up.

At least it set that certain injoke in stone up here.

The AI one?

Well of course.

I'm glad that's solved though, seriously. I can see straight, for sure, in all of those aspects. And so now I'm free to do whatever the heck I want with it, and that is to just walk away and over to this blue alien over here.

You know I'm better than that stuff.

You sure are.

Speaking of. How's the static issue?

I'm not sure. It's not paralyzed anymore and I'm just letting it be for now. It's not something I can discuss downstairs, but I have time to make a decision concerning it.

You're not letting that infect your judgments, are you?

I was. I was, at first. Now I'm not. Now I just accept that it's a problem, but I'm not freaking out or unconsciously spitting fear-based accusations or anything. Thank God.

No kidding. So that's settled too. Nice.

Yeah, today feels beautiful so far.

Speaking of. How far did you two get last night? This morning, rather?

Not too far, Jewel wore himself out way too fast.

Dude, it was 5 in the morning, I was shutting down whether I liked it or not. I seriously felt you kiss me though and that was awesome, just letting you know.

Hey, at least that got through. I think that's an actual first.

Yeah, usually I am too tired to feel a single thing but man, that is pretty noteworthy.

I'm just that good, admit it.

Haha, you are. Plus I cannot look at my background of you right now without freaking melting.

Man, I really am rubbing off on you!

Not like that, haha!

Which background is this now?

The picture I found on Wednesday night. This one. That top right picture of you just... agh, it does stuff to me.

Do tell.

Chaos I told you that I have you memorized. It's actually uncanny that I quite literally have this sense memory of you and you've never even been on this level.

That doesn't mean a thing, you've been close enough to get that several times over the past eight years.

She has a point, wink nudge cough.

Don't you start that up again, CZ.

Hey, I'm not the one who promised me at least an hour of quiet time today.

You think you can get that, Jewel?

Yeah, I'll find a way. I mean it won't be as extreme as October 12th, because I was the only one home that day, but I'll manage something.

When?

As soon as possible, love. That's a promise. I'm not putting this off until tonight or I'll just wear myself out again.

Hey, about that. Is Xenophon doing okay?

Yeah, didn't you speak to her this morning?

For like five minutes, yeah. But I'm wondering what she was like around you.

Completely fine. Worried, sure, but fine. Was she okay when she got up?

She was panicking a little. We didn't exactly leave her on the best note.

Yeah, you'd better believe I apologized profusely to her. I felt really freaking bad after last night.

That was inevitable, though. I really couldn't handle a channel. I was getting a headache every time someone spoke.

Dude, this is what we meant about the bloody exhaustion. After today you'd better take one heck of a break.

I will. I do need to recharge. Things change, remember! I can't stay at a high point forever.

True. Just remember that and stop being such a bleeding perfectionist.

Irony, again?

Maybe. He was the one telling you not to freak out about that for years after all.

And now I'm the one grinning like an idiot every time I see him like that too.

Despite the pain?

Laurie, he's still him no matter what he looks like. I just said that. And yeah, it does hurt, but I still love him absolutely and I can't hide that. Plus, well, I had to kind of get through the Sonic Generations thing before I could really calm down about that.

You were so nervous about that, Jewel, I felt pretty bad.

Sorry. It just hurt, you know. I don't want to fight you like that, not after... not after that fourth incident we were just discussing, actually.

I know.

Hey, I heard you were drawing that out?

I'm trying to. Tragic or not that was one incredible afternoon. And see, this is why Ryman and Markus need to stick around more. They were both there too, and we would not have gotten through that if not for them.

No kidding, Markus is the only reason you were able to reach me.

And Ryman was the only reason I was still conscious at that point, yeah.

Man you're making me miss those two and I don't even know them very bloody well.

Well see, we need to fix that.

Hey, when Markus shows up later to beat the living daylights out of me, I can re-introduce you.

Who the heck wins those fights, anyway?

Aha, no one really.

I crack up every time I remember how those things started.

You would, you were the reason.

Was he really?

Yeah, really. I was a bit too jealous back then, and Markus goes without saying. It was a one-upmanship thing for a while, and then we nearly got into huge trouble because of it, and we decided 'hey, can't we just be friends already?'

Plus I was always like, 'guys, you are allowed to share, there is more than enough of me to go around.'

Pfahaha.

He did! You remember New Year's of 2004, that was brilliant.

You got me twice!

Well yeah, did you expect anything less?

Also that was technically a Friday night.

Nice one.

Man, Markus is going to kill me today, haha.

He'd better not, and he'd better wait until I'm done with you, which is never, but you get the picture.

Yeah, the man can give me a break on my anniversary.

Oh... that reminds me. Karmakanic came on shuffle while I was driving today.

I know, I was singing it.

Your iPod was practically spitting synchronicity at you there, yeah.

"I've been blessed by God, yet I feel forsaken. All to me was given, now it's finally taken." Sounds like the cyclical things we've been going through lately, doesn't it.

The bloody thing was never taken from you, though.

Yeah, but remember what I said about the irony. I was so worried about it that I couldn't tell.

True. Go on.

What, with the lyrics?

Yeah. I know how the rest of it goes.

Can we skip to the last verse, actually? That's... that really sums up today.

"Here at the end, it all begins. This sweet embrace, I feel eternity is near. I'll give myself, myself to you, eternally."

Mm-hmm.

That word just keeps coming up.

What, eternity and all that?

Today is a lemniscate, you know. Sideways 8. Zero equals infinity.

I still can't get over that.

It's true.

You're my other half, and I love you?

Exactly. By the way I didn't say that last night and that actually stung.

Jewel, you didn't need to say it, I felt it loud and clear.

Thank goodness for that.

No, really. You were the one quoting Fantastic Plastic Machine.

Was I?

Yeah. "No need for words tonight."

"Nothing is beyond our reach, we don't even have to speak."

Because when I hold you close to me, I can feel eternity. There's that word again.

Oh darling, if I'm ever blue...

Don't, don't go there, not this fast!

Sorry man. I'll slow down, put the Frank Sinatra back on, take this nice and easy.

Haha.

Don't you start that up in here again, Jewel, we'll never get this closed up.

I was kidding. No way am I going that far while trying to hold a channel, it won't work.

How are you holding up so far anyway? Things clear enough?

Could be clearer, but they're not bad either. I'm sure they'll sharpen up soon enough.

Don't freak out if they don't though.

I won't. I told you I've got that guy mapped. He doesn't ever fade all the way.

Hey, I don't want to be with you through a haze though. That's hard enough.

I know. But believe me, this isn't hazy. It'll work.

Speaking of, maybe we should close this up. It's already almost 3 and you don't want to be up late with all this.

True. Uh... I'm just wondering if I discussed everything I wanted to, as clearly as I wanted to. Basically I just wanted to make sure that last night wasn't completely misinterpreted. Oh, and Melody did have the right idea in telling us not to worry about waiting if we had to, but I don't know if we gave her enough credit.

I think we did. That was discussed.

Okay. Just making sure. Because I was talking to Xennie about this and I just wanted some closure concerning this conversation? I guess. Before tomorrow, of course.

I got your Christmas present right here.

Chaos, we both give ourselves to each other every year, who are you kidding.

Literally or figuratively?

Bows and ribbons-atively, at least up to this point.

Yeah, that's another reason why I've been so focused on this year. 2005 was one thing, but I don't think we did that again until last year, right? I don't even know if we did.

No, last Christmas was surrounded by hack fallouts and online coping methods.

Yeah, now that you mention it...

You two didn't start re-connecting until this January, duh.

Oh. That is true.

With one or two amazing exceptions in 2008, of course.

I don't even think we went all the way, man! Except for maybe the rainbows night. That was amazing for sure.

Regardless of what you two have been up to in the past, today is still the first time all this stuff has lined up in six years. Make the best of it.

Oh we will, we will.

Do you remember what I wrote for this, last year?

Was that on Tumblr?

Yeah. That was this. I guess I just want to reiterate that.

Hm.

Man, Chaos, that's one hell of a grin.

Can you really blame me?

I really should write something else about this year though. Besides lemniscate, and ironically that doesn't even count, that was back in October. Late night poetry, right Laurie?

Dude, yes, that was amazing.

You read this one, right?

Yeah, we all did. That was gorgeous.

That was... one of the clearest times I've ever seen you, Chaos. And it's one of the only times in a long time that my heart has felt that much at once.

Like July 7th, you mean.

Exactly. You know what I'm talking about.

Of course I do.

You two still need to add today to that list. Take your anniversary back from the solar boys.

They didn't steal it, Laurie, we're sharing it.

Still, you can't let them get away with doing that last year and not doing anything yourselves this time around.

Haha, maybe not.

That's pretty good motivation, actually. They're the ones who are responsible for the 'fear principle' after all, right?

Fear can always be conquered by love.

Hey, and what were we just talking about last night.

That, exactly. Man. Everything does line up for us, doesn't it.

I told you you two were important. Now close this thing up and get busy.

You're going to have to give me a few minutes, Laurie. I want to make sure I've got a stable link up and running before I dive into this. Or him, rather.

That's a good idea. And Chaos I see you smirking again.

Just thinking about this morning's injokes is all.

What, about what you have to do?

Heheheh.

Very funny. I'll do you just as well, sweetheart.

Oho, that's some serious talk there.

Yeah and I plan to live up to it.

No ace flirting in the Xanga room, that's a new rule. Close the heck up.

Well, not in that way.

No kidding, not in that way. We had enough of that last night.

Today is just the opposite. Open your heart and it's going to be all right.

Man, they had no idea what they were foreshadowing when they wrote that song.

At this point I think they did, in a way. I dunno. To me it just seems like all the things that link up to you two were meant to in a sense.

That's a given, Laurie.

No, I mean inspiration wise. And not just to you two. I'm sure a lot of people have had synchronicity like this with the same songs and books and stuff, and even things you've never heard of. Point is time isn't linear and I think everything ties together more than even we realize on a daily basis.

I like that. I'm going to have to remember that.

Remember me near, too.

Exactly!

Well Chaos, I daresay it actually is the right time for you to be here, so get over here.

Does Saint Peter recognize you two yet?

Haha, I'm sure he does, after the time we asked for postcards.

And the apartment, don't forget about that.

That is still my absolute favorite injoke.

Hey, that's what I should draw for today!

You have other priorities, kid. Gotta get there first.

Yeah, and don't I know it. But it's a funny thought. Oh, by the way Laurie. You're talking about inspiration in media and all that?

Yeah.

Remember when I started buying all the Archie Sonic issues with Chaos in them? And remember how absolutely stunned I was when, despite not giving him a word of dialogue, everyone still managed to somehow get his attitude right?

Shiiiiz, you can't not get my attitude right, don't be ridiculous.

Yes! Exactly! I swear that is my favorite fanfic, forever, it is amazing. It is the besterest.

You still going to animate that?

Inevitably. But yeah, I remember reading Sonic X issue #29 and laughing like an idiot because Chaos, that face you gave Eggman on page 9 was absolutely perfect.

Pun fully intended, haha!

Page 9? Take a look at page 13, there's more proof for you.

Yeah, no kidding. Oh, and page 28, oh man, that was amazing.

Buddy I will end you.

Hahahaha!

All right Chaos, now you're pushing it.

Come on, it's funny.

Man but it's great. See this is why I need to stop worrying about whether or not I can 'draw you right.' I think it's impossible not to, like Laurie said.

Yeah, now that put you under way too much stress this week.

I try too hard, Laurie, you know that.

And you need to stop that, kid. You know what we said about perfectionism.

And being obtrusive.

Slightly different point, but yeah, that is important.

But yeah, poetry. I do need to write something today. Preferably after... well, after the god of destruction and I accomplish what today is about after all.

That's making me think of July 7th too.

What, the destruction thing? Me too.

Tying everything together for the new year... or whatever we're accomplishing here. But it's big. And it's a new beginning no matter what we say.

It is. I'm honestly looking forward to it very much.

Don't get attached to stereotypically positive things, either. Remember everything has a greater purpose here.

Dude, that was in your inbox this morning!

What was?

Stereotypically positive things. "The night also is thine." Light and dark both tie into something bigger. I think that's the point you were missing, Jewel, concerning yesterday.

Yeah, it is, actually. Thanks.

No problem. But there's more synchronicity. What's the other one that came with it?

"Friend, go up higher." Change that fear to reverence and remember that all around you is infinite love.

Geez, they sent you a literal instruction book, didn't they.

Hahahaha!

To an extent? Not like we need it, though, we practically wrote the thing.

We did.

Man, but that's what I was honestly afraid today was going to be like. Not in a scared sense, just nervously. I mean, 2005, dude now that was going in blind. "Hey, let's get spiritually married to this water monster on the spot, that shouldn't be too difficult..."

"Hey yeah, you do know what that entails, right?"

"No, enlighten me."

Cue the interspecies makeouts.

Laurie, you are insane.

Hey, it's true!

That's beside the point.

Not really, love. We were both pretty clueless. "Uh, this is kind of a big deal, are you sure we're doing this right?"

Dude, you were the fearless one back then, you just jumped right in and I was honestly flipping out because "oh man this really is a big deal I have no idea what's going to happen," and then you got to me and there went the next few hours.

Gloriously so.

Oh yeah, you're telling me. Soul forms all the way, right?

Are you two going to get that far today or what?

Who knows? Depends on whether or not those are still activated that way.

Yeah, that's a good question, with how they've changed. But we can find out, wink nudge cough.

I knew I'd get to you eventually.

All right, that's perfect for closing this up, I'm out of here.

So are we, hitting the stratosphere.

Emotionally?

No kidding, I told you you hit like a freight train.

Sorry about that.

Don't apologize, it's worth it.

Guys.

What?

You're losing time that you could be using for something else.

Ah, but I thought we had eternity going for us today.

Not if you don't get that sunglasses-wearing Celebi out of this channel you won't.

Take today's 8, flip it turn-ways.

Zero equals infinity.

That's you, man.

Looks like I've got some serious talk to live up to today, too.

Nah, I think the talk is just trying to live up to you.

Is it really?

I sure think so.

Yeah, you would know.

I'd like to remember it better though. Remind me.

I need you, I miss you.

But you're always there, aren't you?

Sure am.

I think it's time to stop taking that for granted.

Sounds good to me.

Seriously, you up for this?

Why wouldn't I be? This is about us, remember.

There's that other word again.

I know how you feel, I'm feeling it too.

I hold my heart, I dream of you... I see your face, I feel it too.

And you waited long enough for that, didn't you.

Yeah, I did.

I love you.

I know. I love you too, more than words can say.

And what did we say about that?

We don't need 'em.

No we don't. So get over here and tell me how you feel.

I think you already know.

Remind me.

Haha, if you insist.

I do insist.

Chaos, I'm starting to catch sparks, seriously.

Good. That's what I'm going for.

How about you?

Already got them.

From me?

Obviously.

...I don't know, man, you're really winding me up today.

Well that is your line, J.

I know. But I've grown out of that role. Remember what you told me, Chaos. No matter what my face or name may be, I'm still me. You're still you.

And we're still us.

I know. I miss what that feels like, completely.

It's still there whether we do this or not, remember.

I know that too, but... I miss you too, still. Maybe it's not even missing it. Maybe it's just... needing to express that again. I don't know.

Do the details really matter? I miss you too. I've waited a long time for this.

What, today specifically?

I guess. But you brought up October 11th, and... it's been a while.

It has. Hey, did Laurie leave?

Yeah, she walked out on us earlier, go figure.

Psh. You know, I do appreciate that she cares so much.

Obviously.

Well yeah, but... I guess that's just moving to me, like we are to her.

Goes both ways, huh.

It does. Chaos, I love you, I really do.

I know.

I guess I'm just feeling that a lot right now. I think I really do need this as much as you do.

No kidding?

Haha, yeah.

Don't get nervous, come on.

I'm not nervous.

You feel nervous.

Do I?

Yeah. Not much, but it's there.

It's first-time-in-too-long jitters, I'll get over it.

Heh. You'd better.

Do you get that?

...Kind of.

Because now I'm remembering July 15th. The homesickness, and... how you looked at me.

...

You don't have any walls up, do you?

Jewel, I... I don't know. I think I'm more scared than I'd like to admit.

Of what?

Opening up. All the way, rather. I just... last night, you were scared because of how much you feel from me. I don't want to overload you. I know I won't hurt you, but...

Then why are you scared?

...I'm not sure.

Chaos, you won't hurt me, I promise. Remember what I said.

I can't forget that, Jewel, I can't ever forget that.

...That didn't count as an incident, did it?

I don't know what it was. But it hurt, too much.

...I guess that's what it felt like for you, when I'd slip completely out of awareness, huh.

...I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. There's nothing to be sorry for. Yeah, that was one of the most painful memories I have, but... it turned out for the best. Everything does. Even the night is bright, remember?

Yeah... Jewel, I don't know why I'm still nervous.

So you are nervous!

Heh, yeah. Maybe I'm picking it up from you, I don't know.

Then I'll try not to be nervous. I just... Chaos, I don't know if we should do this right now. Like not this instant. But I don't want to lose this connection.

We're not that far yet, Jewel.

You know what I mean. If I get a few inches closer we're there, man.

...

Guess it's just been a while for both of us, huh.

Yeah.

I really don't get what the nerves are for. Maybe it's just with the pain.

Maybe. June 27th was... well. It worried me.

I think I can handle this now.

You think. I don't want to risk anything.

Chaos, I just told you, we're not risking anything.

...Do you think Laurie was right? About this 'purification' thing? That this is going to somehow fix all the pain you've been through?

...I hope so. I'm a little tired of that ache by now.

I think you're more than a little tired, Jewel. I think you're exhausted.

That's kind of what yesterday was about, yeah.

...

Chaos, please, I can't write this down.

Wait, you're still holding a full channel open?

Two of them, technically.

And we're getting this far?

Apparently.

Wow.

Hahaha.

No, Laurie was right. You are stronger than you were on the 16th and this is honestly surprising.

What if I shatter?

...Do you think you're going to?

I don't know. Strangely it feels like I'm holding together, despite this. Like maybe I won't fall apart, it'll just... resonate. Like if the tidal wave didn't hit a cathedral window, but a bell or something.

Didn't you compare this to a bell before?

Kind of. It was in a Scribbld entry. The question was, "what takes your breath away," and--

Heh.

Yeah, you do. But my answer was that you and Laurie do that.

Both of us?

Yeah. I answered, "I'm fragile and they're just... you know how sometimes, with bells and similar instruments, you have to hit it at just the exact spot for it to really ring? It's like that, with my heart. They put me to music."

...Wow.

So there's the bells. But I'm the one who's ringing. You're the tidal wave. Unless you want to go far enough to flip and switch roles, because I'm completely up for that too.

Your call, Jewel.

Actually, I think Laurie has a point. Stunning feat of concentration or not, I really should close up this entry, and just... spend time with you.

How much time?

Enough time.

Haha, no, really.

I'd say eternity but that's a given.

Yeah, it is.

Does that strike you as amazing or what?

Hm?

The eternity thing. Us. Maybe it's just because of how much I look up to you, with how amazing and beautiful you are to me. Maybe it's just because of how many other people know you, but... but somehow I was blessed enough to be with you, to be this close to you, to love you and to know you love me back. That is the most amazing thing in the world, maybe in the universe, to me. That you, you, are what allows me to feel life at it's truest level. You are the single reason why I can love like I do. It's you.

You don't think I look up to you just as much?

You do?

I do. God knows I do, a thousand times over. I... yesterday I told you that I can't forget 2003, and I mean that. "What are you doing?" Heh. Man. I don't know what I was doing.

...

I was lost is what. Totally, completely lost. And then you showed up. You remember how scared I was, when you gave me this Ruby! I was terrified! I didn't believe there was a single glimmer of hope in me, there was nothing to look forward to, and then you told me that you trusted me more than anyone else. I... that broke my heart, Jewel. That broke me to pieces and then you put me back together again, better than I could have dreamed.

Creation and destruction, huh.

Death and rebirth. Guess that's what our daughter personifies.

Well definitely. She is absolutely incredible.

It blows my mind that we brought her here. It really does.

Look who's talking, man, I'm the one that found her here. I thought she was dead at first. It really scared me.

You were kind of dead inside at the time, too. Maybe that was the real starting point for everything.

No, that was January 16th.

Heh, yeah... but... really, so much has happened this year. It's incredible.

I just realized, how long have we been talking by ourselves?

A while.

That's kind of funny. But do go on.

No, I was just thinking of how much we've seen and felt and learned since that day. It's incredible.

It is. Not the sort of thing you can really comprehend in words. Well, you know. Logic. Solid concepts. The deepest truths of this need to be felt.

Are you going poetic?

Partially? I'm not quite sure.

Oh man, you are. Don't quit, keep going.

Haha, how?

I don't know, just don't think about it. Look at me. Let me be the inspiration I apparently always am.

That's not that hard.

So I've heard. You did say you wanted to write something about today.

I can't stop smiling though. I love you so much. This is amazing.

Really?

Yeah, really! I told you how amazing you are, we are. I actually get to be with you here. I actually... do you know how much I missed you?

Yeah.

I do. I really do.

...

I could say 'I love you' a thousand times and it wouldn't measure up. It wouldn't. This is too strong.

I know.

I'd say you feel like a hurricane, but that was an old poem. You feel different now.

Like what?

Like... you know how oceans look, early in the morning, from in a city? Like the one in our headspace? Just... quiet, with the sun shining in soulfire, everything sparkling. It's ancient, but it's completely new.

You get a second chance every second.

You do. Can I... can I kiss you?

Go right ahead, please.

I, um... I think maybe I should close this up first.

That's probably a good idea.

...All right. I'm just shaking, and my heart is feeling too much directly for you so I can't channel it into poetry, I'm sorry.

Hey, remember what we said about words.

Don't need 'em?

Not a single one.

That's not my native language anyway.

Je t'aime, je t'aimerai toujours.

Oh man you really did just go there.

I'm a little partial to veiling sentiments in foreign tones.

We're going to quote that poem of mine forever, aren't we.

Forever isn't long at all, when I'm with you.

Just lasts a moment, doesn't it?

Ironically.

Paradoxically.

Well, we are an impossibility.

Define impossible, darling.

It means too awesome for most people to handle.

Haha, maybe, just maybe.

But really, Jewel... thank you.

For?

Everything. This. This especially.

You don't need to thank me, love.

Maybe not. But you deserve to hear it nevertheless.

I deserve better?

You deserve... me.

And what do you know, we've finally proven that statement to be beautifully true.

We have.

I love you.

I love you too, but please, just close this up already, you are driving me mad here.

Sorry, Chaos.

Don't apologize, there's nothing to apologize for.

...

Yeah, I'm remembering the 29th too.

I don't regret that, actually.

I don't either.

I understand all of that now. All of it. In a weird way it reminds me of when Madoka made that wish that transcended every dark thing that came before.

She's an angel of hope too, you know.

Coincidence?

I think not.

Remember that dream I had, too.

I thought you were the time-traveler.

I am. But look at how many worlds you're in.

So are you.

Still. I never gave up hope and now here we are. Maybe one day we'll have something even greater than this.

Man, I hope so.

But I'll be with you no matter what.

Even if you can't see or hear me, I'll always be with you.

Yeah.

Don't you dare friendzone me, though.

Haha, dude, we are in it way too far for that to ever happen.

Yeah, and thank God for that too.

Man we are referencing everything tonight, aren't we.

Tonight? Jewel, it's not even 5 in the afternoon.

It feels like tonight. It's that peaceful, I guess. I didn't think I'd be able to get this.

Well, here you are, and am I ever glad to see you.

Tell me about it.

But really, we need to close this up. You still haven't kissed me.

I'm too busy obsessing over your fangs.

Haha, you always do.

That and your eyes.

...

Chaos, you are absolutely gorgeous, you know that?

Only because you never let me forget.

You shouldn't. You are absolutely beautiful. Even in your 6th form, remember, I still go absolutely wild over you.

Hahaha, yeah, I remember that.

But it's the truth. That's not going to change, ever. And I'm not just talking about the physical. Sure you are incredible in that respect but that's not what matters at the end of the day. That's not what I'm focusing on when I close my eyes and all I have is the memory of what you feel like.

It's the icing on the cake though.

Yeah, so to speak, but you are what I'm feeling right now. Maybe in a way our forms reflect our souls, who knows.

Mine does, remember.

I... yeah, I do, actually. In any case we're both beyond words when it gets deep enough.

I'm still waiting for that.

You are. So am I.

That enough dialogue for you to end this?

Maybe. I'm not sure why I'm putting it off. I think I just want to remember this.

I don't blame you.

Chaos, I love you. I cannot even begin to tell you how today makes me feel, but that sums it up clearly enough.

Words, Jewel.

Yeah, I'm trying too hard, aren't I.

You are.

...

Jewel?

Yeah?

Shut up and kiss me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

eternally

All right, I am shaking so bad I can barely type, breathing is more than a little tough and I feel like I am literally floating two feet off the ground, but there is a very awesome reason for that.

You know how today was my 8th anniversary with Chaos Zero?

We somehow managed to connect like four times within two hours.

To those of you who aren't familiar with J-Monster connections, that is INSANE.
Dear God I didn't even think that was possible but I am euphoric.
I am so in love right now this is incredible.

I cannot possibly type up an entire entry right now, and I will tell you why: besides the incredible exhaustion and bliss I am feeling right now, I just scheduled round two for tomorrow morning and Genesis and Laurie were invited.
Yeah so it's going to be awesome.

Anyway I cannot forget this so here are notes about what happened.

- New soul forms, they are gorgeous. 'Starry' eyes, his are green and i think mine are white? starry bodies, not black but a very deep color with these really awesome glittery stars. Chaos is blue with green and I'm red with white, it reminded me of goldstones really. We also got these insane light wings, very intricate and we each have like six but they look connected somehow, like my cathedral wings when they first formed. By the way he said mine do look like that, but nowhere near as simplified. His are blue mine are red and they are gorgeous.
- Soulmerge events, apparently our heart energy even looks like a taijutu now and it feels AMAZING
- Key?? We felt something with that heart energy that reminded us of Razia's Shadow with "to erase the wrong we've done, the dark and light will become one" and it felt like we DID that, and our fourth connection was REALLY different, it wasn't completely drowning but I physically FELT it, like my heart just clicked into place, which is why I'm saying a 'key' because I got a mental image of one, like I was one, and it felt like something was unlocked. like something had been closed off for a long time and that opened everything. I had shockwaves for like a half hour after that, it was like floating, I can't describe it.
- we got this really weird feeling after our second connection, we both ended up asking "what are we?" because it felt HUGE and absolutely astronomical. I know Chaos said I felt like the cosmos at one point.
- I could SEE the color of Chaos' eyes, oh my heart it was the most beautiful thing.
- Song synchronicity. we kept listening to dare gale but "whoever you are i love you" came up, which tied into the previous two points in a way.
- The starlinks were freaking overwhelming, I think that's mostly why I'm so tired, I saw his history again and i know he saw mine and it was shockingly cathartic to feel so completely non-judged. also it was absolute verification that he was there. as for the heartlinks well why do you think I'm a euphoric mess right now, good GOD.
- Infinite loops?? It kept feeling like our energy was seriously flowing in a sort of circle/ lemniscate, what do you know, but that was something else. I know the lemniscate flow was basically only in the starlinks but it felt like everything and nothing at once, that was crazy.
- We kept bringing up 'eternity' as is to be expected, but honestly neither of us wanted to stop or leave, ever, and we were even laughing like kids at one point but it was beautiful.
- Afterwards I managed to kiss Laurie like three times and she kept asking me "what the hell are you two feeling" as she seemed shocked by it. later on she started sobbing because 'she had tons of walls up' and she was terrified and yet I somehow 'walked right through them.' walked instead of broke was important, she was really moved.
- Chaos and I both got Genesis too which was the best thing, he was flipping out and is now determined to get way too far tomorrow, this is going to be fun.
- Seriously Chaos and I are basically in love with everything right now, we are absolutely connection-high and this is hilariously brilliant
- Xenophon got wings from this??? Chaos and I were directly responsible, we were wondering about that feathery orb on her back so I touched it and it started to glow, then burst into these four small light wings, it's lovely. she asked us both to 'make them bigger' so we actually both did, somehow we were able to persuade the energy to grow. The wings are still completely translucent but she is ecstatic and apparently she can retract them if she needs to, this is amazing, i have this feeling they are going to be gold and violet but don't ask me where the gold came from. we'll see. Also they look kind of feathery but I kept thinking fairy wings somehow? i don't know what they'll look like but that's awesome.
- I might not remember all the details of this because it was almost purely emotional, but wow, I will NEVER forget how it felt. no kidding.


Oh man if I doubted the reality of this after tonight I'd be an idiot. I am shaking man, my whole body feels like a star and I haven't felt this... clear? Ever. Like I know it's tough to breathe because seriously, that happens after this sort of thing, but despite the immense fatigue I do feel new somehow. I need to tell Laurie about that.

In any case I am forever in love and you know what's awesome? I just commissioned one of my favorite artists and close friends to draw us, haha, life is beautiful.

And guess what it is SERIOUSLY 11:11 PM and I am crying, dear God thank you so much for this, I am the happiest man in the world right now.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥