to conquer all

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JEWEL LIGHTRAYE LYNNE STABELLE JOSEPHINA BELLAMEIRE LEON KIASI
GENESIS APOLYMIS CHAOS ZERO SPINE HYPOMONE



All right, it's talking time.

Are we really getting everybody in here? I can't stay up later than 10PM anymore...

Yeah, I know, and I don't want to keep you up later than that either, especially with how badly Spine seems to be taking that exhaustion too.

That's true...

So let's get moving. Jo? Lynne? Leon?

Right here.

Heyo!

So we are talking?

We sure are, this need to be discussed. Where the heck are our humanoids?

Would that include me?

Yes, that includes you. Hey Laurie.

I was not aware we were speaking at this time.

Well we are, and hey to you too, Chaos. Now let's get down to business. Jewel?

What?

Give us the prompt, boy. What's first on the list?

Uh, there's really only that one big point, but I want to mention a few things before we get started, especially in light of my opening statement.

That you can't be up late anymore?

Yeah. I think that trip to the psych ward hurt me more than I realized. I've been having nightmares about it every night since I left, and I've been hacked in about three of them, which is terrifying. But if I stay up past 10PM, I go into a sort of panic attack state and that's horrific to deal with.

It's not as bad as the attacks the meds gave you, is it?

No, thank God. Those scared the life out of me. But it's bad enough for me to be running to bed at 9PM now. That's not a bad thing in and of itself, but the motivation is.

So basically you're still suffering the aftereffects of your hospital visits.

Yeah.

I did not like the pills at all.

Really, no one liked the pills.

No they did not, but I was directly affected.

That's the other thing I wanted to mention. I made the mistake of eating something with too much sugar in it this morning, and Spine immediately went into a sort of allergic reaction. It seriously scared me.

Spine is that sensitive?

It's not just the sensitivity, Leon. She's tied into my physical form as a headvoice, which is unique. But when I get hurt or sick, she feels that directly.

Yo Spine, about that. Did you feel any of the graves?

No. Not in the way you felt them cut. I felt awareness, you felt the... what is the word.

Purpose?

Yes. Un-physical.

That makes sense.

You're not sick now, are you Spine?

No, I am well. I only ache.

And that's because of the bloody time, so let's get talking. Main subject has to do with, once again, the homily at mass this weekend.

"Love your enemies."

Yeah. And that brought up a hell of a lot of questions, because hey, who's Jewel's enemy?

Julie?

Yeah. And she's it. That's the problem here.

You're not saying we have to--??

I'm not saying anything. All I'm saying is that Jewel is seriously bothered by the fact that he literally despises Julie, and hate doesn't work with his system, at all, ever.

I'm more worried about you in that respect.

And vice versa.

But hate is bad, you're right. It's poison.

So what are we trying to do? I'm a little lost here.

Jewel's getting all paranoid because, so far, he's been unable to separate the entirely platonic, generalized sort of 'love' from the kind that he feels on a daily basis. Chaos, you know very well what I mean.

I found something today that helped me clear that up though.

Really now? Lack of coincidences, I suppose. What is it?

Well, I was actually trying to clean up my stamp wall on dA, as I haven't used it in about a year... and I came across this stamp that said "You can't control who you fall in love with." And that's completely true, but then the poster elaborated on that, and I had never really looked at it in that way before.

What did they say about it?

Let me quote them, actually: "You can control who you love. You can choose to love someone or even something, if you want. You can choose to love your mother and hate your father... or vice versa. Or love both or hate both. You can choose to love someone as a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You can choose to love someone as a best friend, as a sibling (even if they aren't) or not.
You CAN'T choose who you fall in love with. You can't help if your feelings become so strong for someone that you find yourself longing for them with your very heart, body and soul. You can't help it if you happen to be the same gender as them, a different race or religious follower or even if it happens online. It just HAPPENS."

I told you there was a difference, kid. You're just too bloody fragile.

So when I heard that homily, I freaked out, because in saying "love your enemies" I immediately thought that meant I had to be IN love with them. And I don't know why I always assume that, but I did.

You don't do that typically, though, as far as I can tell. You love me, and my fellow headvoices, but you're not in love with us. Chaos and Genesis are a different story.

I know, but... I guess the two aspects are just way too connected for me.

Not really.

Yeah, there is definitely a separation there.

So stop freaking out over it. The issue at hand is that you want to erase all traces of hate, loathing, and the like from your head and heart, and although you're doing a solid good job of keeping them out in the first place, that blonde bully seems to be keeping some of that around whether we like it or not.

But it's justified, isn't it?

The anger is, yeah. I'd be angry if he wasn't mad at her for it. The problem is that Jewel feels he might actually hate her for it, and that is scaring the life out of him.

Plus she's connected to my mother.

Is she now?

Really?

Yeah. I thought about that all weekend, because the only two people in my life that I've ever felt real animosity towards at some point-- EVER-- are Julie and my mother. And the only reason I react badly to my mother, at all, is because she reminds me so much of Julie.

I'm interested. How?

Her... mannerisms. She's sappily romantic, and hypocritical in doing so. She's obsessed with living like a princess and, judging from how she deals with my asexuality, she's pretty into sex as well. She also acts like a flippant teenager, even now, although I don't like saying so. She's loud and catty and she focuses far too much on material things... I don't like thinking about it. And she adores chocolate.

Chocolate is very bad.

That's a lot of Julie in there, whoa.

Exactly. So I think the reason I've been so downright terrified of her is because she acts so much like Julie. Seriously, sometimes it scares me to death.

So you think your negativity towards Julie is being... partially rerouted to her?

Definitely.

You don't hate your mother though, do you?

No.

And there's our problem. Jewel, I think you're getting things confused, as usual. You don't approve of how your mother lives, and you don't like being around her, sure... but you're not wishing harm on her, are you?

No, I don't wish harm on anyone. I'm not like that.

But you take offense to how she acts, and she's a huge negative influence in your life.

Yeah.

There you go. You don't hate her, you just can't deal with her. Simple as that.

But that doesn't mean I hate her?

Heck no, kid! You need to stop generalizing vices onto yourself. Disconnecting yourself from something that's harming you doesn't mean that you want that thing to die, hell no. I know your grandmother does that, but hey, you're not too happy with being around her either.

I'm just so afraid that disliking things will eventually lead to hate.

Then stop being so bloody afraid. It can turn to hate if you're not careful, but you've never been the sort of person to hate anything, even I know that. All this fear will only blind you to the real situation.

But Julie...?

Julie's the problem, yeah. As weird as it sounds, you've gotta stop being so hostile about her. That's only making things worse in the long run.

Does that go for all of us?

You know what? Yeah, it does. Even me. Jewel, I know you're more worried about me than you are about yourself here, and I appreciate that. But you're the main concern no matter what. So you've got to fix yourself first.

I don't know what to do though. See, with 'loving your enemies,' I always seem to get things mixed up. In physical reality I can do that no problem, because I know we're all human and we all have the opportunity to choose between good and evil and some people just take the dark road. But... I always have this innocent idea that, if I love people, they will become more loving people in return. And now I realize that isn't going to happen. I've been doing that all my life with my family, and nothing has changed. That... that really hurts.

You still love them though, right?

Well yeah, of course. But how I used to... it feels wrong, almost. The platonic love was given for the right motives but it seems selfish, simply because I was the one giving it.

You need to get over the 'selfish' thing.

I do. Still, now I've realized that they're not only refusing to act better, but they're also refusing the love I give, and I don't know what to do. I need to leave them but I still care so I'm putting myself in danger by staying, and maybe that's what I'm doing with Julie after all. I want her to change for the better but she doesn't want to, so I'm letting her kill me in the process.

And that needs to stop.

Yeah, but... see, if something bad happened to Julie, I don't know if I would mind, and that's scary. I mean we're all constantly thinking of ways to 'kill her off' because she's such a destructive force up here. But... if I love people because they're human, and have good potential, what do I do now? Julie isn't human, and since she's an id/shadow, she thrives on the sort of things that destroy me. She wants self-gratification, and she'll go to any means to get it. The problem is that she can only get it through corrupting me. So I do want her gone, for good, if she won't change. And I don't know if I can really... well, when I hear 'love your enemies,' I get confused, because if someone's my 'enemy' it's only because they are acting in an incredibly vicious manner, and I'm afraid that if I 'love' them then that means loving that vicious aspect of them. And I don't. But I don't want to hate them.

Hm.

That's why you're having family trouble now too, I would assume.

Yeah.

So what's up with Perfect Chaos, then?

Laurie, don't bring that up, please.

I'm bringing it up because that's important. Jewel used to despise that part of you for the very reasons he just mentioned. He didn't like that it was triggered by negativity and hatred and anger. However, about two years ago, he came to terms with the fact that Perfect was still you albeit in a very corrupted state.

But Chaos doesn't want to go Perfect when he does.

And you don't want Julie to hack you either, but it happens.

...

That's not the same thing, Laurie. At all.

No, but the bottom line is neither of you change who you truly are even in that corrupted state. You're simply overwhelmed by darker aspects that you don't want in you, but that are so powerful that you let yourselves be run by them temporarily. And why is that? Jewel is always afraid that he's in the wrong, but Chaos...

I just... I just lose control.

And then you regret it, and it eats you alive on the inside, and Jewel knows exactly what that feels like. Except he doesn't lose control, he gives in. Which is too bloody similar anyway.

So what are you saying?

I'm saying that Jewel can still love Perfect Chaos because he recognizes that its not who Chaos really is. That negativity is temporary, and really, Chaos usually is driven to that against his will. However, although we have a similar situation here, Julie is NOT who Jewel is, and that's why we have a problem. Jewel can't see any positive base to her, at all, and so he's terrified that showing any sort of love to her, even in the smallest sense, will mean that he loves that negativity alone. So I really don't know what the heck to do.

Are we still hoping for her death then or not?

I don't know if that's possible... she's a shadow, and I don't know if those die. Even if we cut off all her outlets, I can't cut off the world, and so much triggers me now it's debilitating. So she'd still be hacking my dreams and awful things like that unless she was dead. But wishing death on anyone, even her, feels wrong.

Can we change her?

You can't change people, Genesis. That's a fact of life that J still can't seem to accept.

Well, maybe you can't change them directly, but you can influence them, can't you?

But it's still ultimately their decision whether they want to change or not.

Hm. That is tough then.

And Julie was formed entirely from negativity, so I don't know if she even has potential to want to do right.

Didn't she say she would change in the past, though? After Lynne was integrated?

Wait, what's this? Julie spoke to you after that?

Yeah, Jewel spoke to us both as we were the only two left. It was basically 'stop hurting me and help me deal, or I'll have to get rid of you.' Of course I accepted, I didn't want to hurt the kid anyway... but Julie said that she'd try to behave too, which is very out of character for her.

She's done that before in the past too. That was... May 12th, 2008. In my Scribbld. Let me quote that too. "Julie is my first and oldest headvoice... my shadow... the personification of my "id". She's the darkest part of me, even if she hides it at times... but she's also me, in a sense, and so she's not entirely bad. Take right now, for instance. I have been going through a severely severe guilt trip for YEARS thanks to what she personifies, and it's hit a fever pitch recently now that I've turned 18 and can literally discard my entire past up to this point and start over... As a result, she is now looking how I feel about her. Nowhere to lie... You can see the regret and guilt in her eyes, too, which is a surefire sign that my life is turning around...
Oh yeah and Laurie too. She's my psycho superego, and although I love her dearly, she's very upset right now and happens to be pacing back in forth across the room in front of Julie. She's not lecturing, she's just mumbling here and there, and is obviously quite irked. Undoubtedly. She's angry at Julie and I for giving in to darkness when we were younger, but she can't hate us because we've flipped a 180 since then, and now she's just furious at the past and is trying her freaking best to not only burn that guilt and those lessons into our heads a little more but also to keep us from straying off this road of life ever again."

And she had been lying both times.

Seriously?

Yeah, seriously. She had me fooled too. She pulls that old ruse on us, "oh, I'll be good! I'll stop hurting you!" simply because she's an instinctual demon and she doesn't want to die. The regret was because she had been cornered. The guilt was because she had been caught. She had no intention of changing anything, even if you believed it. So she'd lay off it for a few weeks, sure... but tell me, Jewel, how soon after her little 'metanoias' did she turn tail and start violating you again?

...

You just can't seem to see through her lies, kid, and I don't know why that is.

So the "she can't hate us because we've flipped a 180 since then" part doesn't apply?

If it did, we wouldn't be having this conversation. I don't hate Jewel, but Julie didn't turn any part of her life around. She lied to our faces.

That one part really intrigues me, though.

Which part?

"She's the darkest part of me, even if she hides it at times... but she's also me, in a sense, and so she's not entirely bad." Is that true?

The first part is, technically. All us headvoices are a part of Jewel whether he accepts that or not, simply because we were formed from aspects of him in the past.

That's why people kept telling me to re-integrate you. They thought you WERE those parts of me and that with you personified, I was missing huge parts of myself. That's why Lynne wanted to go back. She thought she was my sense of stability, which was wrong. Laurie got it right a few entries back, actually: "Lynne's not a general maturity personification. She was born from your old expectations of what you thought you needed to be when you grew older." Of course I didn't know that in 2008, as I was still lying to myself, but we've fixed that.

Is that why they were able to come back? Because you realized they didn't need to be integrated?

It was more of my becoming more stable and finally being honest with myself. Lynne and Natalie didn't come back until December of 2008, which was about 8 months later... holy heck, Leon, isn't that the exact amount of time you had too?

April to December? Y-yeah, it was.

That's weird. Huh.

When did Natalie... when did she die for the last time?

I... July? August, 2009? I don't know... Julie killed her in early '09, and that just destroyed her. She had to form-reset and then she just couldn't stabilize. She just... I'm sorry. I'm still so torn up over that.

We all are.

I wish I had met her. She sounds like she was really nice.

Well, we're all hoping that once Jewel transitions, we'll have a stable enough environment for her to be reborn, even if she comes back as a Nathaniel or something.

I just want her back.

I know.

...

And that's why we don't like Julie.

But is she entirely bad? Like that old entry says, does she really have positive potential solely because she was born from some aspect of Jewel?

Julie wasn't born, she was a forced creation.

Was she really?

I think so. I purposely formed her as a sort of mental... well, as a sort of waste-lock for the negative things around me as a kid. There was one girl in my class who just hurt me with her attitude, and that girl was a fan of a cartoon that I despised for its crude humor, and as I had to put up with them both constantly, I kind of mentally fused them both into a mental 'copy' of that girl so I could yell at her in my head instead of in real life, and tell her how I disapproved of how she was acting. And... well, over the years everything just got shoved into Julie, and then one day I shoved something too dark into her and she turned vicious.

That is interesting. I never knew that.

So yeah, I'm at fault for my biggest problem. I gave my id, my shadow, a mental body to work through, and now look at me.

Didn't she claim your body as her own at some point?

Yeah, she still does. Since I don't identify with a physical form and she does-- as it's the only way she can get what she wants anyway-- she decided that she was going to commandeer mine. I know that happened around 5th, 6th grade, slowly at first. But ever since then she's been trying harder and harder to get out of my head through forcing me to become her. And I don't want that to happen.

It's like I said; you can't change people, and people can't change you. Don't let her screw with you.

I try, Laurie. All of you know that. But it's tough in this society, where so many things run on 'instant gratitude' and 'do it because it feels good!' which is exactly what she wants. So she gets power from that and every time I see any of it, she freaking ambushes me, and that's hard to fight off sometimes.

You know what, I told you this last night and it deserves to be repeated-- Julie's a bloody weakling.

What? Really?

She is. She's a coward and a spineless snake. Sure, she'll stop at nothing to get what she wants, but if she really was as strong as you say she is, would we have been able to kick her ass so many times? Heck no! We are infinitely stronger than her and you know it. I mean, come on, she can only hack you if she weakens you first! Our problem is that you still feel you're in the wrong here. You need to become indomitable, Jewel.

But what if--

Don't you even go there. You are NOT wrong. We have been over this topic countless times. Get some bloody self-confidence, boy. Chaos, tell him.

She's right, Jewel. You can't let yourself be manipulated anymore.

See, there you go. Don't make me do this again.

Laurie, I-- listen, I know I'm right. I know Julie is doing things I would never approve of under any circumstances, but... but the freaking overrides, I don't know what to do about them. I get total comprehension loss, and now it's not even with overloading or triggers. It just happens, and it's horrific.

Then vigilance is all we've got. Don't lose it. Now let's get back to the main subject as it's getting really late. Spine, how are you holding up?

I am doing okay. I am simply listening as I have little to contribute.

Hey, then listen and learn. Now, Chaos, as you were asking-- no, apparently Julie is not a traditional headvoice in that she was formed willingly ages before any of us were born, and no, unfortunately she doesn't seem to have any sort of positive potential.

Doesn't she play by our rules though?

She doesn't play by any bloody rules, that's the problem.

But she's still in Jewel's head.

That doesn't change a thing, Gen. I wish it did, but it doesn't.

So we can't do anything to enlighten her then.

Yeah, hey, have we tried that? I mean, it's why I'm not bad.

We've confronted her before, several times. She doesn't seem to care.

She killed Natalie in cold blood because she was keeping her from assaulting me.

...Is that why that happened?

Natalie was born from my reflection. She was purely positive. She kept me from self-abusing. Julie hacks me through brutal self-abuse. Natalie was in her way.

...

I think I would like Natalie to return.

I told you, we all do, and I'm deadset on getting her back once Jewel is stabilized.

Yeah, we're not exactly on good terms with reflections right now.

How was she born from your reflection? What did she represent?

Optimism and youth, I think. But she couldn't talk until the day she was re-integrated, which I still think signifies something big.

You weren't fully synchronized with her. A reflection is a reflection, and you were disconnected from yours, which is why she was born. But the fact that you still didn't accept that you were a physical being at that age meant that Natalie stayed silent. You were missing a huge part of the puzzle. You weren't you, and until you are, she won't be able to stay alive.

Will Jewel's eventual identifying with his reflection affect her, then?

Maybe. Hell, I have no idea. Maybe she won't be born from a reflection this time. I really don't know.

She was only born from it because there was a spark to form her there. I expected a person to be there in the mirror that wasn't me, so she was born.

But then she died and came back as a child. Did that reboot her significance?

Maybe. I'll have to look into that.

Whatever happened to Vincent?

He died too.

Who was he? Another headvoice?

No, he was Natalie's dog. He formed spontaneously when she was reborn the first time, but none of us really knew why. Maybe he was just a fragment of her that separated upon the reset, I don't know.

Huh.

Guys, seriously, as much as we all miss Nat, we need to deal with the reason she's dead in the first place.

I told you, Laurie, I don't know what to do. I can't hate Julie because hate is unnatural for me, but I'm afraid to love her because in doing that I feel I'll be accepting her negativity and I'm afraid that will kill me.

It is a predicament.

You said it. Leon, what do you think? You're the gambling guy anyway.

Don't ask me, I don't know.

You're just as bloody terrified of Julie as Jewel is.

Well of course I am! I've seen what she can do and I've heard worse! You remember the first time I had to cathedral-warp us out of here when she showed up? I was scared to death!

But do you hate her?

Maybe I do. Probably. All I know is that she terrifies me, and I don't care if she dies. I don't ever want to see her again.

So Jewel is the only one here who can't tell what he feels about this. Figures.

What do you say I do, Laurie?

I say you do whatever will keep you safe.

I don't know what that would be.

This 'love,' what kind is it?

The general kind. Basically it would involve not-- hey, wait a second! Jewel, we may be on the right track after all.

How so?

Spine pulled my own trick on me, heh. Don't know how I didn't realize it on my own. Really, the kind of 'love' were going for here is simply the sort that means to forgive, to not seek revenge, to not fight darkness with darkness. Aren't you doing that?

...Everything except total forgiveness. It's tough because she... you know what she does to me.

And yet you keep letting her do that, no matter how many times I tell you to fight her. Why?

...

Because you feel she might be right in some way. You keep giving her second chances to redeem herself, even if she does nothing but ravage the hell out of you every time. That may be a sick sort of forgiveness, but it sounds like forgiveness to me. Otherwise you wouldn't be allowing this.

...Is it really?

Geez, kid, you're the only one who can answer that. But the problem is this: even if you are forgiving her, you're letting her get away with some seriously vicious crimes. That's not right in any respect. Stop giving her second chances already, because she's not going to change.

So...

So fight her, but don't do it out of rage or revenge. Do it because she's actively seeking to corrupt and kill you, and by all means you should refuse to stand for that. You wouldn't dare let her do that to anyone else, so why let her do that to you? That doesn't change the morality of the situation, you know.

Yeah, if you want justice, you kind of have to stand up for it in your own case too.

True.

All right, I'll... I'll work on that. I swear I will.

I'll help. Spine you help me too, okay?

I will do so.

I think Laurie needs help too, you know.

Heh, no kidding. You and J really are on the same page.

What do you need help with?

This same exact thing. I hate Julie. I seriously do. But I can't tell you how many times Jewel has confronted me about that, seriously sobbing over it, that he's terrified he's going to lose me to that hate. Really, I don't want that happening. Vice is vice, and I'm spitting poison over here. Same goes for you, Jo, and Leon. Lynne and Spine I have no bloody clue, but all of us really need to cut back on the hate up here.

But--

But she's a witch, I know. And the anger against her actions is justified, yes. But the hate isn't. That's just making things a heck of a lot worse.

How? She hates us! She could care less what happens to us!

And if we hate her, then we're no better than she is in that respect.

...

It's going to be the hardest for me, being a superego and all, but if it needs to be done for Jewel's sake then so be it. I'm a brutal sonofagun but I'm no shadow. I can change for the better, and so help me but I will.

You've changed a lot since I've met you.

And I still have a long way to go, kid. We all do.

I love you, Laurie, I really do.

I know. That's what keeps me going. And don't you dare fall apart on me, not now.

...

So that's going to be our goal for right now, all of us. Jewel and I are going to be reading up on this topic like mad until our next talk, but in the meantime there needs to be a definite decrease in the emotional negativity levels up here.

I'll do everything I can, Laurie.

Mmh...

Jo?

...I dunno. If you really think we should stop hating that id, then--

Yeah, I do. Listen, Josephina. You HAVE an id role. You're just a positive one. You deal with realization, don't you?

Yeah..

Then realize just how bloody dangerous it is to be throwing hatred around in any case. I've done it, we've all done it, but we were wrong, Jo. We've gotta admit when we make mistakes or we won't get anywhere. You like motives so much? What's the motive for all this hate?

She's destroying us! She's trying to kill us!

And what does the hatred do to help change that?

I...

Absolutely nothing, right? It only makes us a danger to ourselves. We don't need any of that bloody darkness. If you're so offended by Julie, like we all are, then for heaven's sake don't turn into her.

...Okay.

That's the big thing here. We're not being honest enough with ourselves. We're telling ourselves that this hate is justified when it's not. Justice is one thing, revenge is another. Righteous anger is only righteous as long as it doesn't cause more vice. You all know how close Wrath came to being personified a few years ago. I don't ever want her coming back. One vice is enough. None of us should become the second.

What about Bridget and Missy? Did they die off again?

They were both born from Julie's influence, remember? That's why they could never do much, they were only extensions.

Really?

Yeah. It's why their lifespans are so short, too. They're not real headvoices, they're just fragments of Julie. And they only show up when she's strong enough to fragment them off. If we keep up the positive fight over here then they'll never come back.

I hope not.

Same here.

Spine, take the other three and start closing up for the night. It's ten to ten and I want to close this up with the three boys here.

Have we discussed everything of importance?

Yeah, for now. Like I said, we'll be following up on this in a few days, and if I know anything about the environment up here, it's that stuff happens fast. So everyone work together on this, all right?

All right. I'm really proud of you, Laurie.

Proud of me? Why?

I remember what you were like in 2007 too. When I first met you in the back of that church... hah, I thought you were the bad guy in the situation! And now look at you.

Heh, what can I say? I've learned a lot.

I'm glad you have.

...

Hey Jo, you okay?

...Yeah. Just thinking a lot is all.

Thinking is good. If you've got any questions then just come to me and I'll help you out, aiite?

I know. Thanks.

Do you think that if we stop being so... negative... Julie will leave us alone?

Hell if I know. Even if she gets worse, we'll at least be able to handle her better.

...

You know, I think our next discussion is going to deal with stabilizing you. Now I'll see you all tomorrow, so don't slack off in the meantime.

I will make sure we do not. Good night.

All right, cool. You three still here, right?

Well, yeah. I don't have anywhere else I'd rather be.

I'm with you there. Gen, how are you holding up?

Good. I'm really hoping we can get this fixed up soon.

Same here. Well, Jewel, I hope you're happy with how this talk turned out, because it's really freakin' late and we don't have time to start another one.

No, I'm really... it really helped. I just agree with you that a lot of research needs to be done in the meantime.

But you're not panicking over this like you were before?

No. I guess I'm a little... sad, because I really should have dealt with this a long time ago.

Eh, there's a time for everything. And you know what your therapist said-- stop throwing the 'shoulds' around. If it didn't happen, it didn't happen. Now you need to work on improving the present.

Laurie, I'll say it again-- it is almost frightening how much you've mellowed out in the past two years.

Hell, I don't care if I become the scariest headvoice ever to exist, I'm liking this. Life was difficult back when I was an axe-swinging madman, you know.

You weren't very happy, no.

I wasn't anywhere near happy at all, kid. That's why I am infinitely thankful to you for starting this journal, because it has helped me more than you'll ever know.

Hey, about that...

Haha, yeah, I know. Like I said, once I'm sure we're stable enough, I'll start opening up. Until then I'm a deadlocked safe. Nothing gets out.

But you're keeping good things from getting in, too.

Yeah, and that's what's getting to me. I mean, yeah, I'm far more open now than I've ever been, but I'm still an absolute enigma to everybody. And it gets kinda depressing.

But one day that will change, right?

Kid, I hope to God it changes tomorrow. But we can't expect everything to improve all at once. We need to work on this piece by piece, as hard as that is sometimes.

It's worth it though.

It is.

I am so glad I have you guys..

Now this is the kind of love you really need, see.

That's why I was so bothered! I'm all too willing to give this to anyone and I can get in serious danger that way..

So you need to be careful with how you give it out. Don't ever shut it off though.

I won't.

So you focus on keeping emotions separated, and make sure you understand the different aspects of them too. Hell, just work on Dream World for the next week! That'll probably solve every problem we brought up today.

The hilarious part is that it probably would.

Yeah, exactly.

So, um, are we closing up or what? Because it's 10PM and I remember what you said about getting sick..

Gen's right, we should really call it quits for tonight.

All right, fine. We got a schedule for tomorrow?

Besides working on this, my FFN refs, and Dream World, we're just trying to finally get our bus challenges finished in Rock Band 3.

Geez, I forgot we don't even have those done yet. How the heck did we do that?

We're in the Hall of Fame and we don't have anything done. Nice job guys.

Heheh.

Really though, as much as I love talking to you all, I need sleep.

Then get it. It's been a long day for all of us.

It's been a long two months so far.

Hey, about that. You said you're still getting nightmares?

Yeah, virtually every night. They all involve me being sent back to the psych ward, and going through hell up there.

The actual experience wasn't that bad, was it?

Well, the meds were terrifying, and then that one night when I had a roommate...

Heck, I almost forgot about that. You were too scared to sleep.

Yeah, and I practically cried all night on top of that. It was awful.

I'm sorry.

I know, love. But that's over. It's just... I hope these nightmares go away.

Until they do, maybe you can learn something from them?

That's what I'm hoping to do. They're just... they're so bad that my mind destroys them when I wake up.

Have you spoken to your boss about this?

Yeah, but since they're being 'triggered' by a personal trauma, he can't directly do anything about them. But I know he's trying to work something out regardless.

Well then I'll just crank up security some more. I don't want you being hacked while you're asleep again.

I still can't get myself to accept that that's happening.

It is. So if you can do anything to help, then do it.

I know. I will.

And right now I think that would be to close this thing up because we're getting carried away again.

One last thought.

What?

I need to play Nier again.

Holy swords, that's true! When was the last time you played that?

Late November, I think. It's been too long. I was listening to my iPod on Saturday night, trying to fall asleep, and Yonah's theme came on... I started sobbing. It just hit me how much that game means to me as a person. It's helped me so much.

Then tomorrow, after we rock out, you go save your daughter.

All right.

And hell, who knows, that might be exactly what we need right now.

True.

We gotta sleep guys.

Aiite, that's it. You two call it quits before I start tossing injokes around again.

Heaven forbid.

Exactly.

Laurie, you're insane.

Hey, you love me for it.

And we need as much of that as we can get!

Then we'd better close up before those two sparklehearts try something crazy.

So we can try something crazy after we close up?

Hell, go right ahead.

Nice.

All right, I'm signing out.

Told you that would work.

You're smarter than you look, Laurie.

Why, how smart do I look?

Uh, I dunno, actually.

Heh, just teasing you. But yeah, you hang around those two maniacs long enough and you learn things whether you want to or not.

I know! It's awesome, isn't it?

Kid, you're preaching to the choir.

Is there going to be another crazy inspiring homily then?

Not if you don't get to sleep!

Okay! I'm going!