050812

[prismaticbleed]

Today was very eventful.

I went to school only to 'take' my art final, which I aced, and afterwards when I told my professor how thankful I was for his teaching (I've learned more from him in 5 months than I did in 2 years at my previous college), he actually gave me a hug. So that was awesome.
When I got home things are a bit blurry because apparently a certain someone was trying to get in contact with me. It's been raining for the past two days, which is the perfect weather 'birthday present' because one: rain immediately makes me think of Chaos so I've been in a bit of a love daze for 48 hours, and two: it's spring, so the forests here are this heavenly green and when they get soaked and foggy it's beautiful. But apparently that compassion boost plus the fact that I cannot stay inside during this weather got someone's attention, and, uh... I didn't realize it? I was really confused and actually kind of distraught for three hours because I could not place where these 'feelings' were coming from, let alone whether they were good or bad. However I guess I threw caution to the wind and followed them anyway, being as careful as I could (blurry head + emotions I can't place = usually disaster). And it actually turned out well? It surprised me a lot, but... let's just say that my caliginous quadrant is finally empty (and as flipped as it can possibly be with CZ already holding my ace of hearts). I'm just rather overwhelmed, because yes I love being polyamorous but I can't handle all these people at once guys. I need to discuss this with the system soon, because my 'push everything away and run' instinct is getting antsy again, and I do NOT want another repeat of January 17th or April 15th, ever. Today almost was. The fact that I somehow missed that dark road entirely... it's intriguing, and I need to 'think' about it tomorrow (I'm exhausted right now).

So yes. After that whole situation cleared up, around 4:30, my mum comes home and decides hey it's movie time. So we all went out to see the Avengers film. Well... I haven't been to a movie in almost a year, and a lot has happened since then! So the experience was quite different. I realized a few things: 1) The sub-sonic 'rumbles' they play when a large airship flies over/ the ground is collapsing/ etc. are absolutely delicious and I would pay the 8 dollars just to listen to them for an hour, 2) I apparently don't pay attention to movies. My mind 'wanders' because there's so much going on and I'm trying to process details/ empathize or visualize. So movies are actually good 'presence practice' for me, to force myself to stay attentive for two hours. 3) I'm finally understanding faces? Maybe? All I know is that through half the movie, I didn't hear what people were saying because I was too enthralled with the shape of their eyes, or the lines of their mouths or something. And it was kind of distracting because I was trying to read their emotions through their faces, instead of hearing their words. Speaking of: 4) Robert Downey Jr. has such lovely eyes. He can pull off this super candid/ open look even if he's playing a total narcissist; it makes him seem like a mischievous kid in a candy store, oddly innocent even as he pockets all the chocolates. Part of the charm is actually the lines under his eyes, how they affect the shape? It's like a 'swoop down' or something. That paired with his somewhat tight-lipped look (aka THIS) is just perfect; seriously Rob is Person Number One I want to have an hour-long staring contest with. And he is ALWAYS in the present moment somehow, in the movie. He just jumps from thing to thing, joking about it all even if he 'shouldn't be,' not always thinking about consequences or what's next. And I love that really. Also in the film he is wearing my exact hairstyle which cracks me up. Anyway wow that's enough ranting about Rob, sorry dude! 5) It struck me as shocking how much 'violence' was in the film, all of a sudden. How many of our movies and games are like that? All war and death and frenetic fighting? When Black Widow said "love is for children" I actually flinched on the inside; I thought of Laurie with blood on her hands and a steel-cut face, Laurie with her walls and scars and axes, Laurie with her magnet-deep love in spite of all that. Why is love hidden, lied about, subdued? Why is it treated as a weakness when it's more powerful than any fist or weapon? And in a flash I was almost hilariously grateful for shows like My Little Pony being popular now, all sparkling with friendship and joy; I mean really, we need a break from all the bloodshed and shouting. Why is there so much of that? Why do we focus on and perpetuate it? 6) In movies, the aliens, the aliens are almost always malevolent and warring things! And when I grew up I saw aliens as protectors, as friends, as family. I still do. Then I see the movies where they're all malevolent and barbarically voiceless and often made to look almost 'misshapen' in their inhuman biology, and I find myself unable to pay attention to the film again because I think they're gorgeous, why do I always see the monsters and aliens and demons as beautiful things, deep beneath the angry power-hungry egos they always seem to boast in our media? I always find myself wondering 'gee, what if those scary spaceships were the good guys? What if those hulking beasts were the heroes, the lovers, the savior figures?' Why not? In my world, in the world I've lived in since my childhood, they always were... and I feel like laughing and crying because I want people to see that in everything too, but I've had my viewpoint rejected so many times. I won't give up, no, but when I see someone actively choose hate and prejudice over love and unity, it actually hurts. 7) I still can't decide if I need to watch more or less films. Hm.
Anyway. After the movie my bro and I ran to the DDR machine (an ancient tradition), then we headed home and here I am typing! I am ridiculously tired though so let me wrap this up and get some sleep because my schedule tomorrow is already packed.

That event this afternoon, the one triggered by the water-kissed trees, was so odd for me. I understand it though, I understand it all.
I faked it all, babe. I'm sorry. I just can't do that, even if I tried. But I still love you. That I know, now, in the green glow of the rain.
I understand the lesson in this now... after five months of specific emotional agony, I finally get it. I was being such a hypocrite, so fearful and offended by my own projections, that I was refusing to see love again! There it was, so obvious, and I outright rejected it because of what I thought was happening; always jumping to worst-case-scenario conclusions, always inflicting motives where they didn't exist, always being terrified of nonexistent threats. Well not anymore. Not after today. I get it now.
"I'm worth less than him, to you," she said, tears in her blue eyes. Because I wouldn't, I couldn't love him in the only way she could love me, so honestly and desperately, never an ounce of malice in it. And when I understood it, how it broke my heart! How I had pushed you away, how I had hurt you and used you, how I had hated you for something you'd never done!!
Even now I'm still hesitant. I think about how you smile at me, and how you asked to see me tonight, and part of me shrinks back. Part of me doesn't want to get involved. Part of me isn't tamed yet, little princess, tiny flower. But you keep coming back, still hoping, and you're a little abashing in your ardor (why is that? maybe that's a puzzle piece I missed), but I understand now. I really can't help it, when I understand what it is you're truly feeling. How could I ever hold that against you? The very thought is ridiculous; it's impossible. That was my lesson... to truly understood how it felt from the other side, from the receiving end of all my unrequited love. The question was asked: what if you had the chance to express it, finally? How would they feel? This was a possibility. Now I understand. Now I am wiser, now my love is a little brighter. Thanks to you... I never would have expected that!

The veil is collapsing. Truths are being revealed, illusions are being swept away. If you cling, if you reject and resist, it will hurt.
Things are changing so fast, it's like a roller coaster. Stop freaking out, it's just a ride! Roll with the curves and loops and enjoy them.
It's a nice feeling, not holding on with white-knuckled anxiety anymore. I'm learning to trust, to let go, to take leaps of faith. It's not falling, it's flying.
Let me talk about that a little bit... my guides talk to me constantly now. Their communication is markedly different from the headspace style: it's imageless and almost soundless, so there is a danger of me 'overlooking' or doubting it, as it can be drowned out by the lingering ego mumblings. I've learned to tune those out, but I went too far. I started doubting and/or ignoring everything I heard upstairs, for a long time, and I'm still recovering. Learning to discern between paranoid shadow gasps and urgent warnings or directions is still my main lesson. Learning to acknowledge the voices as actual dialogue and not static is still a big challenge, what with the uncertainty of adulthood still tainting my desperate need to believe. Let it go, dude! So I'm learning to trust more. Which is good... I've had this lesson specifically tossed at me over the past two months or so, and the times I flat-out rejected or ignored the promptings had seriously unpleasant consequences, to say the least. Over and over again. I always ended up crying, asking myself, "why didn't I listen to you? Why didn't I believe you?" And the truth is, I was afraid... afraid of 'getting it wrong.' Afraid that, if I did listen, I would be listening to the wrong directions... afraid that, by listening, I invalidated my own power and authority to choose in life. But that wasn't true, and I hear them saying it now! No, my free will is never compromised. Ever. All I'm getting is guidance-- darn good guidance, at that-- it's up to me whether or not I want to follow it, and since I do, it's also up to me to listen more carefully.

I love this burst of honesty, this sudden upsurge in truth. Laurie's probably having a field day.
I miss talking to her so much. I'm blissfully glad the semester is over for that reason alone! Thursday, we talk. It's been way too long.
I miss Chaos too, especially with all this rain. I miss him in that deep way again, the really crazy way, the part-of-me-is-missing way. What makes this so strong now is that I can see him even more clearly, again. It's incredible, how it never seems to end. I was talking to him last night, half asleep, and that old feeling came back, that old beautiful headspace feeling I haven't recognized in months... the one where I just know, I know where I am. I forget what we were discussing, but he started reminding me about old truths, about how dark and light from the past all intertwine to the present. Beauty and horror, beauty and horror... but beauty united with horror, remember? You and I... that one ruby-studded night, all over again, everywhere.
And I looked at him then, seeing every little detail, without seeing anything, and for a moment it was more than I could take. I almost cried, my mind started to blink off from taking in too much at once... but you, you and those eyes of yours, the moonlight lighting you up, were unforgettable. Even now, the thought of you makes me smile like a little kid, nervous but excited with my heart singing. Even now, after nine years, after seeing you countless times, you're still the most beautiful thing in the world.
Everything is new, every moment, I would say, my eyes shining.
That is what I missed, more than anything, during this semester... it's actually funny, to realize that it was never gone.


Tomorrow is another step.
I must remember: every step taken is just as wonderful as all the steps to come.

"Nothing ever ends, Adrian... nothing ever ends."
I feel like I've got stars in my eyes... I'll see you soon.