111024

There was a dream hack this morning and when I called for Chaos 0's help to cope with the aftershock I LITERALLY SAW HIM. I saw his eyes AND his face and I saw how much he truly cared and I felt SO MUCH LOVE, it was like I had come alive after death. It's turned my whole world upside down, really. Seeing him was SO REAL, in a way dreams are not, and the waking fails to fully express. There was CLARITY. I want to remember that forever-- not just my blessed seeing, but the way he was looking at me. Of course I've been spending the entire morning talking to Central, cherishing all of us together. Oh and Laurie asked what my "anxiety and depression" scores were (like the pharmacists here do), and I said "my Anxiety is a ten out of ten" and both Laurie & Lynne gave me "gold stars" for not denying the fact that I was in love ("I've got it good"). We were reading the "T3OVOG" book in the hall (as we always do in the mornings) and Genesis ghosted to hang out beside me (Lord I MISS HIM) and the chapter talked about "living from the INSIDE OUT" and Gen said to me "I FELT that; you're radiating," and somehow we got into talking about *incidents* and I had the STUNNING thought of "WHAT IF PURE HEART CRYSTALS ARE STILL A THING" and Chaos 0 & I mused that there are probably 7 levels of *incidents* and I just... this is worth living for. It truly is. And GOD IS IN THIS LOVE. Remember that. Around here we returned to T3OVOG and it talked about God giving us "fifty-seventh chances" and Laurie pointedly called Mimic in. We all talked about OUR "new beginnings" & this tied back into *incidents* because it tied into deaths. First, though, remember that Leon, Lynne, AND Laurie were KILLED, before they got "second chances"-- and those deaths ENABLED them to have NEW lives. Lynne said it "freed" her from her original "future ideal" projection role: "and I came back as... me." We also wondered if *incidents* work differently for Nousfoni, because Laurie's whole LIFE can really fit the criteria for their levels, so should we count specific events as such? OR can she even now have a legit *incident* of its own? This is all surprisingly brand-new territory. BTW Julie says she doesn't think SHE ever "really" died to her "old self," because she feels she still HAS to hold/ be it-- she "doesn't want anyone else inheriting her past," even only by "filling the vacancy," like we wondered about "Juliette" allegedly manifesting in 2018. OH and MIMIC HIMSELF said, when we were discussing *incidents*, that he felt he was next-- but he phrased it almost like he needed to be, or at least should be. Laurie immediately asked him to explain himself & Mimic said that he "knew I loved him ("that's obvious")," and that in his own way he DID love me too. BUT it's NOT "romantic" / deep enough FOR an *incident*. There's still a "holding back," not enough emotional intimacy. BTW THAT'S the thing that matters; it DOESN'T HAVE to have ANY "romance" at ALL, and it DOESN'T have to "look like" ANY other relationship I have/ in the System at large. It just has to be MUTUALLY SINCERE & there NEEDS ti be BOTH vulnerability & strength. So it takes time, and it CAN'T be forced or rushed. Love has to have both room & time to grow & it takes DEDICATED EFFORT of self-gift. ...but it's more than that, as this morning's hack proved. Love requires that I ALSO EXIST AS A PERSON. Love is about LIFE. Life is COMMUNION IN REALTIME. Love is SANCTIFIED BY THE "MUNDANE." Jesus proves this. I cannot have a real relationship with ANYONE if we DON'T GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER AS PEOPLE. That requires I do the same WITH MYSELF, or there CANNOT be MUTUALITY. ...And if I'm not "living from the inside out," it'll NEVER happen. Which brings us back to Anxi. She is somehow a LINK between the true self of the Core, and the body + name outside. That's why everything is so unstable with her currently-- it's a reflection of the outer/ inner conflict between body/ soul that we're currently trying to resolve, and have been fighting for arguably over two decades. Just remember, the body CHANGES. Your core DOESN'T. The way Chaos 0 looked at you this morning PROVES that. So does the fact that such beautiful headspace conversations CAN and DO still happen, no matter how the body looks. The problem is that I still "can't see myself," and until I CAN, I CAN'T LOVE IN EARNEST. I have to be ABLE TO EXIST AS A DISTINCT AND PERCEPTIBLE PERSON. I need to pass the mirror test. Right now the reflection is still someone else, for the most part. But there's hope. It's just brutally difficult. I NEED God's help. AND, I NEED to use ART as a help (like we did at UPMC actually). I HAVEN'T TRIED YET. Even Picrew! I'm SURE I'll "recognize" myself if I just TRY to portray myself. Until then: pray, reconnect with the System AND the League, and TAKE CARE OF THE BODY. DON'T FOCUS ON IT SO MUCH. LIVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT!! Live from that CHILDHOOD SPARK in the body. Live from your HEART on the inside. Oh yeah-- and REBUILD CENTRAL. FIND THE CATHEDRAL AGAIN. Your shattered sense of self is what's shattering your entire inner world. For THEIR/ OUR sake, GET IT TOGETHER.

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I'M AFRAID THAT I CAN'T LOVE IF I'M FAT BECAUSE LOVE IS PURE VIRTUE & INCOMPATIBLE WITH SIN (SELFISHNESS, GLUTTONY, PRIDE, SLOTH, ETC.) AND I SEE FATNESS IN MYSELF AS THE PHYSICAL PROOF OF THOSE VICES. With these beliefs, BEING FAT = BEING IN A STATE OF SIN/ ATTACHED TO SIN/ UNSPIRITUAL, and THEREFORE A "HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT" TO VIRTUE; "LOVE CANNOT COEXIST WITH MORTAL SIN." And I see fatness-- MY fatness-- as a CHOICE (because I "chose to eat all these bad foods in treatment, showing a lack of temperance/ selfcontrol/ selfdenial/ discipline/ asceticism"), which MAKES SIN MORTAL. So I "CAN'T" love BECAUSE my BODY is a "PUNISHMENT." It's the "CONSEQUENCE OF LIVING A CARNAL LIFESTYLE." It's a LITERAL "OBSTACLE" between ME & GOD "BY MY OWN CHOICE." It's a PERSONAL HELL. And the "only way out" is through the PENANCE OF SELFMORTIFYING EXERCISE & FASTING. And THEN I will be "FORGIVEN," so the fat-punishment will GO AWAY, my body will be PURE again, FREE of sin's weight, and I will be "ABLE TO LOVE." The problem? SELF-HATRED IS A BIGGER BARRIER TO LOVE THAN A BIG BODY. Yes, I can still work out & have a healthy diet, BUT I NEED TO NEVERTHELESS STOP DAMNING FATNESS. Love can't coexist with HATRED, and THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE FEELING. There's a secret, evil PRIDE in that-- like THIN & FIT is MORALLY SUPERIOR and I "CAN'T STAND NOT BEING FLAWLESS." You KNOW that ugly subtext is there. BUT YOUR PHYSICAL BODY IS NOT WHAT YOUR HEART IS BEING JUDGED BY WHEN YOU DIE, and NO, ITS SIZE IS NOT A "MORALITY INDICATOR." Listen, YOU'RE FAT NOW BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN OBEDIENT, COURAGEOUS, FORGIVING, GRATEFUL, and FAITHFUL. You're SETTING A GOOD EXAMPLE for those who are STARVING themselves out of FEAR. You have been FEEDING YOUR ABUSED BODY THE NUTRITION IT NEEDS TO HEAL & REBUILD. You have been CHOOSING ABUNDANT LIFE INSTEAD OF MISERLY DEATH. You are GETTING STRONG & HEALTHY SO YOU CAN POWERFULLY SERVE OTHERS. And you have been STOCKPILING THE FUEL THAT WILL BUILD MUSCLES AT LAST. Literally NOTHING ABOUT YOUR "FATNESS" IS THE RESULT OF SIN. "But I've been intemperate," you protest. YOU'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THE MEALPLAN. "I pushed too many calories." BECAUSE YOU GENUINELY THOUGHT THAT WAS HELPING YOU RECOVER & PROVING YOUR RADICAL WILLINGNESS TO DO SO AND NOT AVOID OR RESTRICT. "I ate things I didn't enjoy." YOU STILL TRIED AND YOU LEARNED. PLUS ALL YOUR FOOD CHALLENGES WERE EFFORTS TO CONQUER FEAR WITH TRUST & GRATITUDE-- TO FIND SOMETHING GOOD TO ENJOY IN ALL THINGS. "But I've eaten so much JUNK, I'm POISONING the body. This fat is a sign of GARBAGE IN MY BODY." YOU REALLY THINK THE EATING DISORDER RECOVERY PROGRAM IS GOING TO ABUSE YOUR BODY WITH FOOD? THAT'S WHAT YOU WERE DOING BEFORE YOU GOT HERE! PLUS, THE DIETICIAN HERSELF EATS THAT FOOD! AND NO FOOD IS "BAD" OR "EVIL"!! Eating some potato chips or bacon or cookies or cheeseburgers or ice cream or whole milk or fried chicken or french fries or egg rolls or salad dressing or poptarts or pancakes or chocolate or ANY of the foods they've GIVEN you here WILL NOT KILL YOU OR DAMN YOU, AND IF THEY "MADE YOU FAT" IT'S ONLY BECAUSE YOUR BODY IS STORING THAT ENERGY FOR LATER. YOU WERE STARVING TO DEATH. YOUR BODY WANTS TO HAVE EMERGENCY BACKUP NOW THAT IT CAN. It's a sign of LIFE!! Oh yeah-- and you ARE capable of love, RIGHT NOW, and YOU KNOW IT. DON'T DENY IT!!

tbhu weekly recovery recap 110324-111024

SUM UP THE WEEK:
Stopping bingeforce behavior. Blessed DROP in mealplan. TONS of journaling about body image/ identity/ gender/ core bloodlines/ future fears/ distorted thoughts/ etc. WATCHED INSIDE OUT 2 AGAIN and feel even more in love with Anxi. Listened to "Before" in group and TALKED ABOUT HOW MUCH WE LOVE BEING MULTIPLE. Still did all I could to participate & contribute to groups, including being daring enough to play MarioKart. LOTS of future planning. "GRATITUDE" angel card from KR.

LIST YOUR RECOVERY WINS HERE:
● SURVIVED THE HELLISH VOLUME CHALLENGES
● LEARNING MORE CLEARLY WHAT I LIKE & DISLIKE & HONORING THIS
● STARTING TO UNDERSTAND & UNTANGLE ISSUES WITH IDENTITY & BODY IMAGE
● ABSOLUTELY REFUSING TO GIVE UP HOPE OR QUIT!!

What are you most proud of yourself for this week? What situation did you handle well?
Honestly? I'm genuinely impressed that we KEPT SOLDIERING ON. We were SO DEPRESSED this week, due to food trauma & body image horror, BUT WE KEPT CONNECTED TO OURSELF. We DIDN'T RUN FROM LOVE OR HOPE. Every single one of our journals reflects that. We are GENUINELY proud of HOW WE KEPT ON ENCOURAGING OURSELF too. We FOUGHT for the silver linings and we turned them into GOLD. And when we were faced with difficult emotions we DIDN'T RUN OR DENY them; we FELT & ADMITTED them HONESTLY and we were then ABLE to work WITH them. The battle continues!...

Which of your goals did you achieve? How did it benefit you?
● We STOPPED FORCING TRAUMA FOODS & STARTED CHOOSING WHAT WE LIKE + WHAT WON'T MAKE OUR BODY FEEL SICK!! This is a CAREFUL BALANCE to avoid orthorexia but we're at least NOT USING FOOD AS A WEAPON.
● We did SO MUCH JOURNALING and we gave SIGNIFICANT, FOCUSED, LOVING ATTENTION to the SYSTEM LIFE BOTH INSIDE & OUTSIDE! WE WERE LIVING AS MULTIPLE! ♥

What could you do to make next week better?
● NO MORE HIGH VOLUME MEALS. NO MORE INFLAMMATORY FOODS OR ALLERGY TRIGGERS. NO MORE CONDIMENT FORCING. NO MORE FORCING SUGAR.
● And START EXERCISING! START WRITING! START PLAYING MUSIC! FIX UP THE APARTMENT! Do NOT give up on your future! FILL YOUR DAYS WITH JOYOUS INDUSTRIOUSNESS. But BE PATIENT. It's STILL ON GOD'S TIMING. So WORK HARD & TRUST HIM.
● START HELPING MOM. Don't let go of that relationship AND promise. Plus it's GOOD HARD MANUAL LABOR buddy!!
● BUY INSIDE OUT 2 ASAP AND FINALLY HAVE SOME REAL QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND! ♥

Rate how you found eating your meals & snacks every day. How could you make this easier next week?
1 / 5
This week I literally lost ALL enjoyment around eating. Everything hurt, and I just saw it all as "more weight" in terms of excess fat storage. BUT on Sunday the VOLUME WAS DECREASED so I felt ABLE to enjoy the food again. At home, I'll enjoy my meals more if they're SIMPLE & SMALL, and WHAT I WANT/ LIKE TO EAT. Being able to exercise again will also make food PURPOSEFUL and less scary; NOT "TORTURE"!!

Rate how you dealt with compensatory behaviors like purging or exercising this week. How could you make this easier next week?
2 / 5
Ironically I was too numb to care. We THOUGHT ABOUT purging, especially with the bad reflux & pain, but DIDN'T. And that was SO HARD. As for exercise, we REALLY "gave in"-- we're trying to do "passive calorie burning" by tensing up/ fidgeting/ etc. & we're CONSIDERING GOING KETO for a few months upon discharge. We're just SO DISTURBED by this distended abdomen. Next week, we MUST COMMIT to NOT PURGING because now we CAN so it'll be VERY TEMPTING. BUT if we START WORKING OUT that'll MOTIVATE us to KEEP IT DOWN!

Average mood this week:
2.5 / 5

Average sleep quality this week:
4 / 5 (SURPRISINGLY)

Average anxiety level this week:
10 / 10 BABE ♥


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TOP THREE THINGS I DID THIS WEEK:
1. FACING THE GENDER ISSUE
2. FUTURE PLANNING
3. LETTER TO FUTURE SELVES

THIS WEEK I FELT:
NUMB
TEARFUL
IN LOVE
ANGRY

MOST REWARDING INTERACTIONS I HAD THIS WEEK:
★ Phone session with mom: I'M GOING TO LONGWOOD!!
★ WATCHING ANXI ♥♥♥
★ The unexpected "discharge date disclosure" that allowed me to be totally vulnerable
★ Several people telling me that I am inspiring + valued
★ Staff members talking BOTH to / about me AS A FRIEND

NEXT WEEK I WANT TO:
● CHERISH MY LAST 2½ DAYS
● START WORKING OUT AT LAST-- maybe even join the gym already
● DIVE INTO ARCHIVING & READING OLD ENTRIES (pick for printouts)
● START LIVING A RECOVERED LIFE, 100%, 24/7, WITH JOY!

THINGS I ACCOMPLISHED THIS WEEK:
● SO MUCH IDENTITY WORK
● NOT DENYING THE SYSTEM
● NOT HIDING OUR EMOTIONS
● FOOD JOURNALING
● ACTUALLY TRIED MARIOKART

WHAT WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT THE WEEK?
WATCHING INSIDE OUT 2 AGAIN AND FEELING JUST HOW SINCERELY I'M IN LOVE WITH ANXI + JOURNALING IT

MY RANKING OF THE WEEK:
3 / 5