tbhu worksheets = self-sabotage

SELF-SABOTAGING CYCLE=

1) PERFECTIONIST DEMANDS (NO MISTAKES/ ERRORS/ SINS, EVER)
2) FEAR OF FAILURE (EITHER "good or bad" = failure is DAMNING)
3) SELF-CRITICISM (brutal cursing, swearing, self-abuse)
4) LOSS OF CONFIDENCE (feel unable to do/ be good; worthless)
5) ANXIETY & DEPRESSION (moral panic & despair)
6) PROCRASTINATION (fear of joy; it "feeds the monster")
7) PASSIVE AGGRESSION ("boiling over" only outlet for inner torment)

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How would you define self-sabotaging?
✳ Considering myself "unworthy/ undeserving" of mercy/ reward/ help/ health/ rest/ joy/ etc. because of something stupid/ foolish/ unwise/ careless/ ignorant/ selfish/ idiotic/ etc. that I did, and as a result, actively undermining/ preventing/ sabotaging/ eliminating/ rejecting/ crushing/ etc. ALL possible positive outcomes or situations out of punishment/ payback/ penance/ self-hatred/ etc.
✳ This mindset HAS NO CAPACITY FOR COMPASSION OR CHARITY, and therefore INVALIDATES its own (devilish) opinions. IT ISN'T TRUTH!!

What are some of your self-sabotaging behaviors?
✳ Not letting myself do/ choose/ have things that I enjoy/ that give me peace
✳ Verbally insulting & cursing myself whenever I do something stupid/ foolish
✳ Physically abusing myself (eating disorder) to "incapacitate" myself & cause lasting pain/ permanent damage
✳ Destroying records of past accomplishments/ growth/ healing/ progress
✳ Destroying personal items that were cherished/ valued, out of shame/ hatred
✳ Dwelling on personal faults/ vices/ failures/ unsolved problems, causing despair
✳ Refusing to care for my body, mind, heart, & soul, "pushing it to harmful limits" (denying such limits exist)

How do your self-sabotaging behaviors impact your well-being and life?
✳ Poor personal hygiene, no sleep, malnutrition, wasting, chronic pain
✳ Always wanting to either weep forever OR scream & destroy everything
✳ No self-esteem, abandon all ambition, feel worthless/ useless, despondent
✳ Loss of sense of self/ history/ values/ preferences/ etc. due to destruction
✳ Inability to relate to/ interact with others without "infecting" them too
✳ No hope/ vision of future, distract from the present, deny/ suppress the past

Why do you think you self-sabotage?
Deep down I think it's because I see my "moral status" as EITHER "ALL good" OR "ALL evil". When I make a stupid decision or fail to choose the edifying option or otherwise act in a way contrary to virtue, ESPECIALLY LOVE & WISDOM, I immediately label myself as "FALLEN FROM GRACE," and my awful instinct is to PUNISH/ CRUSH/ DESTROY/ DO VIOLENCE TO THE EVIL TO "PURGE IT FROM OUR MIDST." I believe on some level that "ONLY VIOLENCE CAN RESTORE ME TO GRACE/ FORGIVENESS" = RESTITUTION MUST BE PAID IN BLOOD. I see this even as an ACT OF LOVE, NOT "SABOTAGE," because "I AM EVIL" and the ONLY thing being "sabotaged" IS THE EVIL WITHIN ME, by FORCE.

Are there any particular self-sabotaging patterns that you can recognize?
✳ PERFECTIONISM, as explained above. I struggle to accept "mistakes/ missteps" because I DON'T SEE THEM AS "INNOCENT/ ACCIDENTAL", but as MORTAL SINS??? For some reason I'm EITHER a "moral absolute perfectionist," OR DESPAIR over that crushes me to MORAL NUMBNESS?? "IF EVERYTHING I DO is a SIN, why even TRY to do otherwise?" And THAT is SERIOUS SABOTAGE, because it STOPS JOY at the ROOT!
✳ PROCRASTINATION, because EVEN THOUGH I WANT to do these good/ helpful/ creative things, I FEAR "DOING IT WRONG" = SINFULLY?? Do I fear CORRUPTING that good that way? Like, if I try and "fail," will it NEVER BE "GOOD" AGAIN? Is procrastination "PROTECTING" those "pure" ideals/ hopes from "ME"??

What can you do differently?
✳ GIVE MYSELF GRACE. GOD DOES. ACCEPT IT. (YOUR NATURE ISN'T EVIL!!!)
✳ SCRIPTURE DISPROVES YOUR ABSOLUTISM. NO ONE IN THE BIBLE, OR HUMAN HISTORY-- besides Jesus & Mary, the NEW Adam & Eve, FOR YOUR SAKE-- WERE SINLESS. EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS SINNED & MADE MISTAKES & DONE STUPID THINGS. GOD STILL GETS THOSE PEOPLE TO HEAVEN. YOU ARE NOT "DAMNED" JUST BECAUSE YOU STUMBLED IN WEAKNESS. VIOLENCE CANNOT HEAL YOU. THE CROSS CAN, BECAUSE IT ABSORBS AND TRANSMUTES IT. But the CROSS is LOVE & MERCY & FORGIVENESS. Carry THAT!!!

How can you reward yourself?
✳"For WHAT?" For NOT sabotaging? For ACTUALLY & FINALLY choosing to show MERCY & FORGIVENESS & COMPASSION & TENDERNESS & PATIENCE & GENTLENESS to myself? In a very real way, that virtuous response IS "reward" enough. BUT, if we want to extend the definition to a "REINFORCEMENT OF THE VIRTUE" in the FORM of a "GIFT," that would simply be ALLOWING AND ENABLING ourself TO do the things that give us REAL JOY, AND CONTRIBUTE TO/ ARE IN CONGRUENCE WITH our VALUES & THE GOOD THINGS OTHERS SAY ABOUT US. Fight hate with LOVE & dark with LIGHT. Seriously just JUMP HEADFIRST into BEAUTY & WONDER & GOODNESS whenever sabotaging temptations appear. GOD ALWAYS WINS.

What coping skills can you put in place so that you have a backup plan when things get tough?
✳ READ SCRIPTURE. Make a LIST of the ACTUAL VERSES (not numbers) to READ & so REALIZE THE TRUTH when the lies of sabotage try to drag you down to hell.
✳ TALK TO THE SYSTEM/ READ THE ARCHIVES. There is PROFOUND LOVE & HONEST TRUTH in BOTH, & GOD USES US AS CHANNELS OF HIS GRACE TO OURSELVES. Trust me, the System will ALWAYS stop self-sabotage because WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
✳ "DISTRACT" & "REDIRECT." STOP the cycle with IMMEDIATE exposure to a System/ League song/ image/ writing that COMMUNICATES TRUTH/ BEAUTY/ GOODNESS. Remember that GOD BROUGHT THAT INTO EXISTENCE THROUGH YOU. DON'T SABOTAGE HIS PURPOSES!!!

Reflection:
To "sabotage yourself," you MUST be, on some level, DISSOCIATED from yourself. You ARE a CREATION of God, MADE GOOD, and that may be "broken" but it's NOT LOST OR RUINED. That's why God ALSO made you His CHILD, pouring HIS GRACE BACK INTO YOUR HEART to be YOURS FOREVER. Just DON'T REJECT IT!!! SABOTAGE TRIES TO, because it SHUTS OUT LOVE. As long as you RESIST the hate, THERE'S HOPE. PRAY FOR GOD'S HELP & HE WILL HELP YOU!! He LOVES YOU!! And when you FULLY REALIZE & ACCEPT that FACT (as much as mortals can), you will NEVER be fooled by self-sabotage again, because LOVE CHANGES YOU FOR THE BETTER, FOREVER!! ♥ (TRUTH = LOVE)

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SELF-SABOTAGE QUIZ

NEGATIVE RESPONSES:
Your feelings about yourself are dependent on situational factors.
"SOCIAL MODE"; MORAL PANIC; "my life is WORTHLESS unless OTHERS approve/ want me"

You measure your self-worth by your accomplishments.
"APPEASEMENT"/ "SLAVE"; "uselessness" = "don't deserve to exist"

You have always been told that risk-taking is dangerous & the world is a scary place.
Mom & grandma DRILLED this into our childbrain to disturbing extents = TAUGHT to "expect the worst outcome" in every situation (catastrophe seen as inevitable)

You have grown up around an anxious person who always seemed nervous & worried about things.
Grandma's OCD "doom predictions," Mom's panic over "loss of control"

When you were young, an important adult in your life could never accomplish their goals and that used to discourage their future efforts.
MOM'S "ABANDONED DREAMS" & EMPTY "PROMISES" ABOUT THEM; also extended to her empty "promises" to US?? (e.g. "forgotten" presents & events, the endless list of "one day" and "when this happens" etc. that NEVER panned out; we learned very fast to not want things OR to expect desired good things TO happen at ALL)

You like to correct other when they make a mistake or when they are wrong, no matter how small it might be.
Intolerant of slip-ups with self, EXTERNALIZED; "rigid rules" = ORDER/ SENSE (CONTROLLED; "PROPER") (this is MORAL PRIDE!!)


POSITIVE RESPONSES:
You can list 5 things you like about yourself.
Hopeful, determined to do better, sense of wonder, genuine want/ ability to love, creative vision & talents

You know who you are and understand your morals/ values/ beliefs (identity).
The Archives are actually a BEAUTIFUL TESTAMENT to this, as ironic as it may seem. WE know who WE are. 

When you compare yourself to others, you believe you have the capacity to achieve similar things.
I believe that if I truly want it (what they have/ have done), then it's worth giving it a shot! The rest is in GOD'S Hands, not mine!

You admit your faults and can easily admit when you are wrong.
This is a weird one. I CAN and DO point out where I screw up, even to others. IRONICALLY I'm terrified that it's ABSOLUTE; "damning myself" to NEVER be "right". So this is 50/50. It's one of my biggest struggles.

110724

Our goal for today is to journal about/ through the ANXIETY & DEPRESSION that have been lingering since the Halloween collapse & which are NOTABLY FOCUSED ON DISCHARGE. It's ALL about WHAT WE'RE RETURNING TO. The thought of going back to that cluttered, cramped, dark, isolatory apartment is disheartening. Now that we've been living WITH PEOPLE, in bright large spaces, where WE don't have to buy/ prep food at ALL, having to "abandon" all that is taking a heavy toll on our emotions. SO. We NEED to TAKE ACTION and CHANGE THINGS. We have no other choice. We have to CLEAN UP OUR APARTMENT & MAKE OPEN SPACE there to DO ART & MUSIC. We have to GET LIGHTS for heavens sakes. And we NEED to GO OUTSIDE MORE-- notably, to START DOING THINGS WITH PEOPLE LOCALLY. Of course the immediate opportunity is just hanging out with the neighbors, which is ESSENTIAL because we DO LIVE WITH THEM and it is NECESSARY to BUILD FRIENDSHIPS & GOOD COMMUNICATION with them. The NEXT big opportunities relate to the PLACES nearby, and the people you can meet there: CHURCH, the LIBRARY, the GYM, the COFFEESHOP, and maybe even that little park. PLUS there are little restaurants/ diners, and the local college class extension? So you HAVE meeting places, potentially. There's ALSO the FACT that you CAN TAKE THE BUS and get to know the regulars, AND you WILL be GOING PLACES & ATTENDING EVENTS with MOM in any case. So you WILL have a FULLER LIFE, spent WITH OTHERS, as long as you EMBRACE & PURSUE those opportunities. But possible the BIGGEST mood lifter is BEING ABLE TO WORK CREATIVELY AGAIN. PRIORITIZE THAT. ...except, it's ALSO the biggest anxiety/ depression trigger. "I'm not good enough" haunts our talents. We've been STARVING OUR MIND & HEART and that has made creativity DRAINING. We NEED to READ BOOKS & LISTEN TO MUSIC & WATCH FILMS-- BUT ONLY WHAT WE LIKE!! "EAT" GOOD MEDIA, NOT JUNK!! Only "take in" what will HELP YOU BECOME A BETTER PERSON, BOTH IN CREATIVITY & IN CHARACTER. And when we learn how to SAY "NO" to WHAT DOESN'T BETTER OUR SOUL, WE'LL BE SO MUCH HAPPIER. And we can direct our joyful energy into CREATING things that MANIFEST that betterness. But please, STOP JUDGING THAT JOY & LOVE BY WORLDLY UTILITARIAN STANDARDS (LIES). ALL OF YOUR CREATIVE WORK IS "GOOD ENOUGH" BY VIRTUE OF EXISTING FROM YOUR HEART. It is WORTHY of being created & shared! And if ANYONE rejects it, THAT DOESN'T INVALIDATE ITS TRUTH/ BEAUTY/ GOODNESS!! There ARE souls who NEED what you have been CALLED & GIFTED TO CREATE! So FOR GOD'S ACTUAL SAKE, DO NOT HOLD BACK. DO NOT GIVE UP. PRIORITIZE THIS. And seriously, FOCUS ON IT as your "day's work." DO NOT FORCE YOURSELF TO "GO OUT & SOCIALIZE JUST BECAUSE." No. TAKE PRUDENT STEPS IN WILLING JOY & HOPE & LOVE. If you want to type in the coffeeshop, go ahead! But ONLY do it if it is HELPING YOU GROW IN CHARACTER. We're scared of "going home" because we fear we'll have to STOP journaling & learning & improving like we are here. THAT'S FALSE. We CAN do ALL THAT & MORE, if we LET OURSELVES & MAKE TIME/ SPACE for it. Set a SCHEDULE like here if you must! And DON'T ISOLATE, even when you're focused on creative work. Still go outside & walk around, or call mom, or talk to neighbors, to GET CONNECTED-- but NOT OVERWHELMED! Set boundaries, NOT WALLS. Please, don't be afraid or sad. We CAN & WILL have a future IN THIS BODY and it WILL BE GOOD and WE WILL BE A GOOD PERSON FOR OTHERS. There has to be a BALANCE of private + social time & work. God will guide us!

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✳ POSITIVE BODY IMAGE is ACCEPTING, APPRECIATING, & RESPECTING our body AS IT IS NOW, WHILE STILL ALLOWING FOR HEALTHY CHANGE!! (NO HATE AT ANY POINT)

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✳ What values/ qualities/ characteristics do you value in yourself & in others? (LIST/ LIVE)

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✳ WHY AM I SO ANGRY (WEEPING/ HELPLESS RAGE) ABOUT PEOPLE KNOWING THAT I'M LEAVING NEXT WEEK??? Why do I just want to "slip out the back door" and disappear? Why do I want to exist as a myth or mirage, not as a tangible person? DO I want this? It hurts SO MUCH to be ignored & unwanted & not valued. But I "HATE having to talk to people"?? Like when people ask "do you want to talk about it?" my kneejerk response is a sob-fury "NO! STOP MAKING ME TALK!" because SPEECH "HURTS." It SHAKES ME UP inside to talk out loud ABOUT INSIDE THINGS. It's CONTEXT DISSONANCE.
✳ I feel "mythical"/ unreal? IT'S BECAUSE MY LIFE HAS ALWAYS BEEN INTERNAL. So I have a hard time realizing/ functioning as a PHYSICALLY TANGIBLE being to OTHERS? And it's BOTH "LOCKED IN" and "NOT 'ME'!" It hurts. God maybe if I DID "identify with" this body & name it wouldn't be so frustrating & painful & making me cry from the overwhelm. But such an "identity" OUTSIDE feels like IT WOULD ERASE ME INSIDE? That's so polarized. It's miserable. But I'm genuinely terrified of that risk-- of losing touch with my heart & soul AGAIN because I had to exist OUTSIDE too much. WHY IS THERE SUCH A CONFLICT AT ALL??? Is it just the bodytrauma + dissociation?
✳ I "don't want to say goodbye," allegedly. WHY NOT. Why do I "want" to disappear like a dream, so that even I doubt it was real? THAT'S SELF-ANNIHILATORY. Is that "fear of abandonment" self-sabotage? Am I so afraid that no one will CARE if I leave, that no one will bother to say goodbye because they WON'T MISS ME, that I "do it myself" by avoiding the risk altogether? I just "erase" it all & never get closure. But our WHOLE LIFE has been shot through with sudden jarring losses & endings with NO goodbyes, not even a WARNING often. Things just STOPPED. I don't know HOW to "say goodbye" and "TRANSITION WITH CONTINUITY" from one "era" to the next. I only know "hard breaks." Clean, brutal, swift cuts. This gentle "shift" is utterly foreign to me. Context shifts are DIVISIVE BY NATURE to me. This "blending" of present place AND future destination is SO DISTRESSING to me. I'm having a hard time figuring out "WHO I AM NOW" because the CONTEXTS ARE BLURRING. I CAN'T BE BOTH AT ONCE. But I think I NEED to, in recovery. But God I WANT THE SYSTEM TO KICK IN. Whoever was living in the apartment, KEEP THEM DISTINCT from WHOEVER IS HERE AT TOWER. LET THERE BE A HARD SHIFT, IN THAT SENSE. WE DON'T WANT TO GO BACK. ...but, CAN we be the person we are HERE when we RETURN there? WHY NOT?? WHY CAN'T THE CORE JUST DRIVE THAT WOULD FIX EVERYTHING. Because the Core exists INSIDE. Is THAT the ultimate problem here? Do we need BOTH "Jessica" and "Jewel" SEPARATE but working TOGETHER? OR is there going to be a NEW bloodline somehow? I don't know anything except we HAVE been "Jessica" TO THE PEOPLE HERE, AND TO THE FAMILY, AND THAT "JESSICA" IS GENUINELY A GOOD PERSON. That hasn't happened since childhood! So is this Jessica ALSO a "JEWEL?" She HAS to be! We HAVE to make our inner life the HEART of our outer life! The Core bloodline HAS TO BE INTEGRATED probably. We HAVE TO BE REAL ON ALL LEVELS!

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Why has our identity been so shattered since Halloween?? What did that DO to us? Was it just the MEMORY SHOCK of "what happened THEN" in horrible contrast to "who we are NOW?" But CHAOS 0 KNOWS AND CAN PROVE TO YOU THAT YOUR HEART (THE CORE!) HAS ALWAYS BEEN THE SAME. Deep down, despite ALL confusion & trauma, no matter HOW lost we have been, THE CORE IS PROTECTED AND TRUE, and THE CORE IS LOVE.
✳ "I" CAN ONLY TRULY EXIST AS "WE," REMEMBER!! TO EVEN BE THE CORE AT ALL, I NEED TO EXIST IN RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SYSTEM-SPECTRUM. I CANNOT EXIST ALONE. ...Is that true for us on the OUTSIDE? in the BODY? and we never quite realized the IMPLICATIONS of that before? IF WE'RE NOT LIVING AS MULTIPLE, WE'RE NOT LIVING AT ALL. If my heart isn't ALWAYS the heart that is IN LOVE WITH THE COREGROUP, then I CANNOT LOVE AT ALL. This has been PROVEN, CONSISTENTLY.