100724

✳ I'm nervous about an upcoming dinner-- Thursday's, my 1 month anniversary here. I chose a DOUBLE side of sweet potato fries for my exchanges, BUT the ENTREE is CHICKEN THIGHS, and I'm afraid this will be a HUGE portion meal. Tonight, they accidentally gave me DOUBLE fries AND chips, and even with a much smaller entree of battered fish (which was DELICIOUS btw), it was SO MUCH FOOD. It was HELLISH. So I'm honestly SCARED of HOW MUCH MORE I'll HAVE to eat on Thursday. Should I ask the nutritionist to swap half of it to potato chips? They're the smallest volume side available that matches the 1C1L exchange ratio. Or should I just "man up" & deal with the consequences of my decision, praying that the cafeteria server gives me smaller serving sizes? ...The silver lining here is that this is all proving to me that I REALLY DON'T WANT TO BINGE. I'm learning to "satisfy" that "hunger" SPIRITUALLY & MENTALLY, instead of neglecting my inner "starvation" & shoving it all into the physical, LIKE I DID IN SLC/ CNC. It LITERALLY STOPS THE COMPULSIVE CRAVINGS, WHEN I DO IT RIGHT = I have to DISCERN the ROOT of that "craving" & MATCH IT METAPHYSICALLY. If I'm craving "sweet" things, then I REALLY am wanting to EXPERIENCE SWEETNESS as a VIRTUE. The "sweetness" of smelling a rose, of embracing a loved one, of listening to beautiful music, of remembering kind words-- THAT is what I TRULY want & HUNGER for, and IF & WHEN I MEET THAT DEEPER NEED/ HUNGER, then I NO LONGER "CRAVE" SWEET FOOD. We've been practicing this & it WORKS. So. We MUST apply this to THURSDAY. WHY are we feeling "obligated" TO eat so many SWEET potato fries? Is it the sweetness? The orange hue? The alleged "comfort" of the starchy texture (cozy, soft)? OR is it a "HEALING" compulsion-- the FEAR of sweet potatoes, the SCARY MEMORY from CNC, the "CHALLENGE" OF eating a large portion, the "fear" that if I eat LESS, I "won't get the data/ understand or remember it"? But WHY IS THAT SO "IMPORTANT" AS TO RISK SUFFERING A FORCED PSEUDOBINGE?? It's UNREASONABLE. The WISER choice, taking PROBABLE ENTREE VOLUME/ CONSUMPTION TIME into consideration, would be to get ONE side of fries & ONE bag of chips. Please, TALK TO THE NUTRITIONIST. Don't chicken out! You REALIZE THAT THIS ILLOGICAL COMPULSION IS THE EATING DISORDER!! And you MUST RECOGNIZE & FIGHT IT IN ORDER TO FUNCTION & TRULY RECOVER. Our GOAL here is to AVOID ALL BULIMIC BEHAVIORS, and FORCING HUGE AMOUNTS OF FRIES-- ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU'RE TERRIFIED OF DOING SO-- IS BINGE BEHAVIOR. So seriously, NO MORE DOUBLING!!!
✳ ALSO. I kind of "DON'T WANT THE CHICKEN"?? I LIKED the meatball parm hoagie, & my brain is fearing, "if I DON'T choose to eat it again NOW, I'll LOSE that chance FOREVER"-- WHICH IS BASED ON THE FRANKLY DISTURBING ASSUMPTION THAT, UPON DISCHARGE, SUCH FOODS WILL AGAIN BE FORBIDDEN. THAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF OUR GOAL HERE!!! WHY is food ONLY deemed "ALLOWED/ SAFE" in HOSPITALS?? THAT IS, RIGHT NOW, OUR BIGGEST OBSTACLE TO RECOVERED LIFE. We NEED to figure out WHY these foods (CRITERIA??) "AREN'T SAFE OUTSIDE OF BEING GIVEN BY AUTHORITY" & HOW TO CHANGE that so that WE CAN CHOOSE, FREELY & WILLINGLY, TO EAT THEM, IF WE WANT TO. ...and we ALSO KEEP CRUSHING OUR NEWLY REALIZED "LIKES." Deep down we're AFRAID, STILL, that these LEGITIMATELY GOOD FOODS are "BAD." I don't want to think that anymore. BREAD & TOMATO SAUCE & CHEESE & MEAT ARE GOOD! So WHY, when COMBINED into a "SUB," do they become "FEARFUL"? AND YET WE WANT TO EAT IT HERE? God I am so tired. What's the root? I enjoy things here. Why "will" they become "threats" out in society? I don't want to live in fear again. What should I do? SHOULD I SWITCH the entree?? Because we get chicken SO OFTEN. If it's just "plain chicken" then it's "not new data," but WHY IS THAT IMPORTANT?!? Why am I LEGIT "SCARED" OF NOT eating the meatball parm? Does that feel like DENYING the "LIKE"??? I'm ALSO worried about the MEMORY TIES. The sub tastes JUST LIKE SPAGHETTI MEATBALLS & that taste is tied to CHURCH & CHILDHOOD & FAMILY, ESPECIALLY GRANDPA. ...but meatball subs are SPECIFICALLY tied to CNC... and the day we went SO FAR OUT OF OUR WAY to SECRETLY GIFT KRIS with one... and Oliver DIDN'T want or like it. Oh Kris DID, he DEVOURED it & he was DEEPLY TOUCHED by our sincere & unexpected gesture of care & ACKNOWLEDGING the REALITY of HIM, that HE WAS REAL & MATTERED to us, and... Lord I think I WILL switch the entree. Meatball sub for CNC. Sweet potato fries for CNC. Let's PLEASE ADMIT THE LOVE we DID and obviously STILL HAVE FOR THEM because WITHOUT it-- if we KEEP DENYING & HIDING & AVOIDING that TRUTH-- we will NEVER HEAL. We will NEVER LIVE, because THAT IS REALITY-- that LOVE EXISTS DESPITE ALL ODDS & ONLY LOVE CAN FORGIVE. ONLY LOVE CAN SHOW MERCY. Only love can conquer fear. Listen. Chicken is just chicken. Don't be one. Don't lose this opportunity for mere novelty's sake. Sacrifice the heartless datalogging & get some REAL input. Food IS all about Communion after all.