A Prayer for True Rest

 
God, please help me.
I'm exhausted, all the way down to my soul. I can't go on, not alone at least. I need Your help, Your ever-Present and ever-Loving help, to carry this cross any further without being crushed.
I won't put it down. I won't stop walking. I've made up my mind to follow You no matter what. As feeble as it is, I have consecrated my will to You. But "I am nothing, Lord. Help me!"

Please. I’m overwhelmed and bone-tired. I don't have the strength to run to You, but I can still look in Your direction, and meet Your gaze. I can still reach out to You with my entire heart & soul, even if my body is immobilized, paralyzed by fear & fatigue.
Please. Come to meet me. Come embrace me. I can do nothing but beg. I need You, Lord, or I will not make it through this.

Don't let me give up. Don't let me give in. Don't let me surrender to despair, or worse, to the empty promises of decadence.
When entertainment and "self-care" beckon like sirens from the sidelines, coaxing me to stay in bed and skip Mass, to go online and skip prayers, to "put the cross down for a while" and just "set your religion aside for now" and relax, rest, take a day off, et-fatal-cetera-- when the world sees my struggle of faith and chides that "it's not worth killing myself over it," then please, Lord, fix the focus of my entire existence on Your Cross, and respond in courageous conviction that, actually, it is the only thing worth being killed for... after all, You thought the same about me.

Even so, dearest Savior, it's not easy. You know this. It's a very bitter cup. It's a lot of blood to lose. Some days the mere knowledge of what's coming next is enough to chill my very bones... but I cannot say no. It's not that I don't have a choice. It's that I want to join in Your Agony. I want to share in Your Passion. It's insane, the world screams at me, and maybe they're right. It doesn't change anything. I don't want anything but You.

So why am I still such a coward?
Why am I still so weak, so timid, so prone to making excuses and cutting corners? Why am I still such a gutless chicken, scared of denying You as the cold night darkens, terrified of betraying You in the blind instinct to "survive"? What poor excuse for a life would that purchase? Now that I've known You, Jesus, everything but You rings hollow and flat. Nothing but You has purpose or meaning, scent or flavor, color or light. I've seen it all perfected in You and now I can never forget that revelation of Truth. What else could I ever want or need, if I had You? What more could I lose, if I lost You?
Life without You would be death. I would rather die. Give me the Cross.
Give me the strength of love to carry it with You, dear Lord!!

Maybe I won't get any rest for this body until I die. Deep down I'm willing to accept that sacrifice, but Lord, I'm ashamed to admit that when the actual exhaustion hits, I typically crumble beneath its weight. Yet I cannot expect to ever be free of it. To live a life without a good fight TO fight would be naught but a miserably unholy indolence. The march, the battle, the night watches, are SUPPOSED to be exhausting. They give honorable discipline, they build fortitude, they bolster patience & long-suffering, and they are all the work of humble obedience to You, my King and my Lord! You go before me in all of this. To refuse to follow Your example, to not walk in Your very Footsteps, would be an abominable abandonment of not only my Christian moral duty, but of the Love that both demands & inspires such total self-giving & unity with the Beloved!

So, Jesus, keep me that close to You, in all respects. Don't let me stray even for a moment, no matter how faltering my steps may be. If I want rest, I must look for it in its native place-- in the Sabbath, in the completion of Creation, in the Heavenly Kingdom... in You.
"Come to Me, all you who are weary and are burdened... and you will find rest for your souls."
That's what I need, Lord. That's all I'll ever need.

But, God, the irony is terrible.
I get the most exhausted from prayer.
In a way, it feels fitting. What is more worth suffering from, but worship? What better a sacrifice can I offer, but one endured for love of You?
Still, Lord, I'm weak. My flesh is feeble. My mind is worn out. I get burnt down to the wire and I start slacking off, dragging the lumber on my shoulders, trying to take the edge off the thorns, trying to catch a breath and sit down... but doing so takes me away from Your path. To seek "rest" apart from Your gentle yoke just shows that I don't understand what rest is... or what prayer is.
Please keep me close to You. Keep me under the yoke of love. Keep my sight set straight to eternity, so I will think nothing of both the shame & struggle we must meet on the way. Nail my faith to Your Feet. Nail my hope to Your Hands. Let me rest my heart in Yours, even as it is pierced by Love. Unite me so completely with You that nothing can conquer me, not even death, and I will find eternal rest in Your Arms, in that place where there is no more pain because all is at peace with God.

Until then I have to fight. And fighting is prayer.
So I must change my perspective, Lord. Instead of selfishly seeking "rest" from the war, I must seek STRENGTH, the strength to strive ever onwards for God-- and that strength is found only in the Cross, because just like true rest, true strength is true Love, that both conquers & consoles all things, and Love is sacrifice.

In the end, dear Jesus, I must suffer. This is a secret joy, when I know its purpose and origin and end. But it's not supposed to be easy. "I will not offer a sacrifice that cost me nothing!" The worth is proven by the cost; we honor by what we offer. And in a beautiful demonstration of that very truth, You are entirely willing to supply me with the very wealth I must expend-- You already covered my expense entire with Your Blood. To do the same for You is therefore the highest privilege. Everything I endure, therefore, is a gift both from and for You, an oblation of reverence and a pledge of promise. If I accept the Blood, I must offer it back-- and in doing so, obtain the priceless joys my Lord thus purchased for me.
That hope is my rest. That love is my strength.

Jesus, facing life without You is infinitely more exhausting than anything I could ever endure alongside You. Your very Presence can and will give me all the strength I need to brave whatever comes my way, all the rest I need to continue unflagging in the fight, and all the joy I need to keep my heart light and loving no matter how heavy this Cross becomes. It's still a Cross. It’s still my only glory. It's still leading me to God.
Stay with me, Jesus, all the way to death and beyond. That's when I can finally rest, without sin, without fear, forever.
Until then, Lord, please... let's walk this Calvary Road together.

Amen.


 

111223

 

Hell nightmare

MASS!
Homily about MISMANAGEMENT & PREOCCUPATION with material goods?? "Too busy with the world to get ready for Jesus"


Evening=
God bless José and his sautéing garlic at 830pm

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KVOTD = Exodus 40:38.
Questions =
"What does today's verse teach you about God's Presence?
It never leaves me.
It guides me to where I'm meant to go.
It shows up in unexpected ways."
1) Sit with a second with that shocking truth that God's Presence DOESN'T LEAVE YOU. Stop doubting and denying this because of what you've been told by others in the past.
2) God always guides you to where you NEED to go. He's not so powerless that He "can't stop you from foiling His plans." Don't be so proud. God loves you too much anyway. Yes, you might still wander, and you absolutely do, but whenever you tap into awareness of His Presence, He WILL guide you-- just by virtue of BEING-- to where you need to go, where you're meant to go, which is right into His arms.
3) Oh we can attest to this one, rather blissfully actually. "No such thing as coincidences," and "God can use ANYTHING as a channel for Himself," as it were. When you're not even looking for God, suddenly, there He is. And notice, this isn't just talking about His Voice. This is talking about His PRESENCE "showing up", unexpectedly, against all odds and expectations and even sense. And He does. It's a paradox, because He doesn't ever go away, He's always there, but you might not perceive that for days or weeks or months, even years if you're really despondent. Nevertheless, even then, I can assure you, there will be breakthroughs, sudden moments where you just know God is there. Even in something so commonly lauded like a sunset or sunrise, a beautiful chord in a song, a butterfly or a hummingbird hovering, a sudden shock of rain or snow that makes you laugh in wonder, et cetera. If you perceive real beauty in those moments, real awe, you will catch the tiniest glimpse of God. And sometimes, He reaches in and embraces you through that keyhole and suddenly your heart is never the same. Keep your heart open, even just a little, but don't ever shut the door. Leave the light on for God. He'll surprise you, one day, with arms full of roses, even in the middle of the night.


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Universalis =
"For the Bible, Wisdom is not knowledge, such as scientific or philosophical knowledge acquired by study and learning, or even the sound judgement acquired by experience and maturity. It is the reflection of God’s own Wisdom: the Wisdom by which God creates the world and guides humanity. Wisdom is therefore divine, a reflection or image of God, ‘the reflection of the eternal Light and the image of His power’. Everything created is good in so far as it expresses this Wisdom of God... We need to seek out this Wisdom. It can be granted only by God, but God is eager to share divine Wisdom with those who truly seek it. This reading is given here to pair with the gospel-reading, through the image of keeping awake to seek for the banquet of Wisdom."
1) Wisdom is NOT acquired by human means. It is not found in nature, in intelligence, in experience, in age, or in logic. This is shocking; it shows that no matter how "wise" we may be by human standards, it is NOT "true wisdom" insofar as it is of our own merit & opinion.
2) In direct result, I have no way to define God's Wisdom other than what is given here. It's something you can only "know" by the Spirit, in your heart, as God gives it. It's ineffable outside of grace.
3) The STUNNING revelation that Creation was made BY Wisdom and FOR Wisdom-- to "reflect Him", even only by a trace, specifically by reflecting His Light, and to "show His Power," which is True and Good... and, arguably, Creation-- by being of & for Wisdom-- is also meant to guide humanity to God. I think Saint Paul says that in effect, actually.
4) We NEED TO SEEK WISDOM. It's not optional!
5) God is "eager to share." That's stunningly beautiful and moving. It absolutely demonstrates the "childlike heart" required for Heaven.
6) The banquet of Wisdom IS the banquet of the BRIDEGROOM!!


I'm pasting this bit separate as it stunned me=
"In the New Testament, Jesus is seen as the incarnation of God’s own Wisdom as well as the incarnation of the ‘Word’ of God, for Jesus is both the first-born and the summit of God’s creative purpose."
1) How is Jesus "firstborn" if He wasn't created? My thoughts are: Because, from eternity past, the Son PLANNED to Incarnate. Before humans were created, The Son-- Who Is Jesus-- had already decided to be united with them one day in the fullness of time; indeed, since He Is Eternal, it may be reasonably said that even before creating Man He was already the God-Man, the Crucified One. What I'm trying to say is= Jesus is the "firstborn" because He Existed before anything else did, and that Existence is inextricably bound to His Incarnation. So the Man Jesus WAS somehow "extant", if only in eternity, even before the world itself. OR, in another connection, the first actual creature was Light, which Jesus IS, and so Light's very essence & definition were effectively "already extant" in the preincarnate Jesus-- God the Son-- and likewise with ALL CREATION. Jesus IS Wisdom, after all-- and if Wisdom IS the "image of God," then that not only applies literally in His Incarnation, but also in how Creation itself has its beginning and fulfillment in Him, the "firstborn" of all that is Good, and the perfection of Goodness itself.
2) Jesus created all things. Jesus guides humanity. Jesus is the power of God. Jesus is the image of God. Jesus is the Light. Jesus is Life. Jesus is the perfect expression of the Wisdom of God.
3) Jesus is the SUMMIT "of God's creative purpose"= this is in the Bible. "To unite all things in Christ."
...
4) Jesus is also the WORD OF GOD. This is different from the "firstborn" as the "blueprint" of all that is real and good in Creation, by the eternal reality of Incarnation, because as Word He is UNCREATED? And THIS ties into His being the Summit of the purpose of the Cosmos, in tandem WITH His Incarnation, because these two truths of the Son CANNOT BE SEPARATED.
...

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From today's SPARK devotion =

"An encounter with Christ is always loving, but it may not always feel good. A true encounter challenges us because Jesus contradicts those things in our hearts that are not good. While Jesus is always for us (Romans 8:31), he opposes anything that might hurt us. When we encounter Jesus, he is an adversary against the sin in our hearts and the habits and vices that prevent us from being holy... "“Encounter” isn’t necessarily a feel-good experience. The word comes from two Latin roots—“in” and “contra”—which, taken together, signify the meeting of adversaries. To encounter Jesus is to face a confrontation of sorts. When we meet him, we are presented with a choice: let go of what holds us back from holiness and grasp the hand of the Savior, or remain in sin. Encounters with Jesus offer us the opportunity to become different people. One thing is for certain: when we encounter Jesus, we are changed forever. Even if we choose not to follow Jesus, [just] meeting Him is radically memorable."
THIS IS WHAT LAURIE IS SUPPOSED TO BE. THIS IS THE ASPECT OF GOD SHE IS MEANT TO REFLECT!!!
...

"Two people encountered Jesus in this way. The first was a woman who was gathering water at a well. Jesus called out her disordered attachment to affection and the ways she was looking for love but settling for counterfeits. The second was a rich man who had a disordered attachment to money that prevented him from [truly] loving others. The woman encountered Jesus and left changed, telling everyone about him. The man was disappointed and left sad. Both encounters were challenging, and both people left known and seen by Jesus... Many people experienced Jesus, and surely many encountered him that we do not hear about. But what about you? Have you had an encounter with Jesus that left you changed?"
1) Notice that BOTH challenges in Scripture were ABOUT LOVE.
2) AFFECTION VS LOVE, and the attachment to the former that prevented her from experiencing the latter!! Allegedly, she sought human companionship, maybe even romance, but she wasn't finding love, because she wasn't looking for God. She was idolizing her relationships. She was focused on the earthly, on the sensual & emotional; she sought her worth & purpose in the arms of men. Jesus knew this was hurting her soul. He knew she wanted love, real love, because He CREATED her FOR love... but only He could meet & fulfill that need as perfectly & completely as it was both meant & yearning to be filled. But love cannot be forced. So he had to bring her chains up before her eyes, and hand her the key to freedom, and leave the choice up to her.
3) The rich young man had effectively followed the Commandments "since his youth," and Jesus loved that in him-- BUT because of that very love, He pointed out the biggest obstacle to it. This young man "had many possessions." And THIS reflection alleges that BECAUSE of this wealth, EVEN THOUGH he was "following the Law" without apparent reproach, HE WASN'T ACTUALLY LOVING HIS NEIGHBOR???
4) Jesus knows and sees us IN these challenges. Those words do not refer to superficial, passing awareness or observation. They mean He KNOWS us. He SEES us, all of our time & space, right through to the soul.
5)


"The Sacrament of Reconciliation requires us to confront our sins and disordered attachments, but it is always an encounter with the mercy of Jesus."
Consider this. Really bring this fact with you to the confessional.
Yes, we MUST bring the worst parts of us right into that box, and lay them out in full view of God Himself (Who already knows all about them, by the way), but even in that deeply humiliating and even crushing action of contrite confession, we are not condemned. It's crazy, but it's true. In the very act of ashamedly admitting the sins we are struggling with, the "disordered attachments" and even addictions, we are looked upon with compassion and mercy and we are ALWAYS, ALWAYS FORGIVEN. Every single time we go into that box and sorrowfully pour our sick and broken heart out through that screen we rise from that kneeler ABSOLVED.
But we MUST be sorry. We MUST be contrite, wrecked with remorse even, truly hateful of what we have done that has hurt the very Heart of God. We must despise the sin so much we would be more willing to die than do it again. And God WILL heal us; God WILL give us grace TO fight that fight, even if we still stumble for a while in our human weakness. Grace is still given, like a sword we aren't sure how to use yet. But we have it now. And the more we go to confession, the better we get at wielding it, as it were-- the stronger our spirit and body both become, enlivened by grace and mercy, the heavy load lifted from our back more and more.
But that's all just consequence of the deepest point, the most important thing you must remember: no matter how blackened and corroded your heart may be when you enter that confessional, as long as you offer up every last filthy fragment of it to God in total penitent sincerity, He will wash you completely clean with His mercy, and you will exit that tiny miracle room a new man, with a new heart. Every time.