111323

 

More nightmares & hacks. Miserable. Exhausted, no rest

Barely remember Mass. Someone we know from SHJ was there & it set off both social mode panic AND "feminine service" fear. I don't have jargon for that yet, but it's this intensely frightened & depersonalizing compulsive reaction to being the object of ANY male attention, even just our assumption of it. We go into blind, smiling, robotic maid mode, and it is CHOKED WITH TERROR of being sexually used as INEVITABLE.
...

Homily note= a mustard seed, despite its tiny size, STILL contains all the capacity needed to become a full-grown plant. It just needs the right environment & sustenance; but the ability TO become is already within it, absolutely. Likewise, we are "fully equipped" in Christ with ALL virtue; He is the SOURCE of them all. There is no lack, no deprivation. It is all there available in Him. We just need to learn how to "tap into" that flow from His Heart, and to open ours to receive & use it-- and that happens by FAITH.
Just like a mustard seed, however small, if we have faith in Christ, then Christ's power is there within us. Faith is faith. It does not occur "halfway". If it exists at all, it has its full potential already inherent, by grace, by definition.
Do not despair if you lack it yet. We can pray for this faith. God is the Sower. He will give us the seed we need.


Flame of Love Rosary, looping chouchou. PERFECT.
Thank You God for giving that song to us on Shuffle instantly, completely unexpected but just what was needed.
It's much easier to focus with ONE instrumental song on loop as a BGM, than an unpredictable playlist of several. Plus, higher tempo tracks AND "too many notes"-- like Alfonso Peduto, bless him-- are impossible to use as a BGM because they are too active and even distressing to the mind, which diverts all our attention out of anxiety & "fight or flight" readiness. Yes, even music does it. Certain sounds instantly switch both our body & brain into a coiled-spring state of "impending danger vigilance", and we're not sure why. But it happens far too often. We have to be VERY careful about audio exposure, even from minute to minute.
But yeah, God bypassed all that trouble today with one perfect track and we thank Him. We were able to focus better than we have in weeks, even, and with the new phrase in the Hail Mary demanding our performative attention, we didn't feel the guilty & scared compulsion to repeat every other prayer to "get it right this time". So it actually all worked out very well & smoothly-- which was a HUGE MERCY, actually, with how crushingly fatigued our body & mind both were, and how late it was as a result of said fatigue hampering our general speed.


We are bravely yet humiliatedly choosing to do the Flame of Love fasting for Monday, which is that "We should not eat to enjoy," BECAUSE "There are some people who should NOT try a bread and water fast because of age, illness, medical conditions, or other restrictions. If it is too difficult for you to do, please do not be discouraged. You can find another way to keep the spirit of loving sacrifice intended by the fast."
SO we are not taking any extra pieces of anything-- even one single carrot slice-- and we are NOT HAVING ANY SALT.
This has actually revealed to us that we are "ADDICTED" to the salt??? That "panicked starvation girl" lotophagoi immediately started freaking out, "what if our electrolytes bottom out," "what if we get dehydrated and pass out," "what if we're losing some trace minerals that our body actually needs to function properly"-- dude it's ONE DAY, we have Powerade if we need it, and besides, with how MUCH salt we've been eating lately our body could USE a break!

But most importantly, remember, the whole point of this fast is that we MUST OFFER THIS UP FOR THE HOLY SOULS, and we must pray for them AT NIGHT as a sacrifice, too. 
This isn't about us. The shockingly simple sacrifice of our time & enjoyment is being given the unmerited grace to free suffering souls from Purgatory. Jesus said, "Let ALL your actions [today] be done with the purpose of helping [the Holy Souls]. In union with Me, desire that these souls contemplate My Face as early as possible." This is an act of loving mercy & charity! Do not treat it lightly. Do not cut corners or count costs. Have compassion and think about others for once!! Learn to be selfless!!!

A note from EWTN=
"Fasting or penance should never be done for the sake of fasting itself or for the sake of penance itself! But they ought to be done with the intention of deeper union of will with the Lord! They ought to be done with the intention to prepare ourselves for the coming of the Lord!"
...


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Universalis=

Oh man I remember reading this last bit of commentary YEARS ago, when we first started the Liturgy of the Hours, and back then it was honestly a game-changer =
"It is a great mistake to apply the saying on prayer [in Luke 17] too closely to our simple petitions. Faith demands a deeper commitment than that. The issue is not the prayer that a business deal should succeed or that it should be sunny on the day of the wedding. Real faith is the confidence that our Father will give us what is best for each of us, even if the business deal does collapse and it does pour with rain at the wedding!"
THAT is the PROPER way to view God's responses to our prayers, in ALL circumstances. He's not "doing it to spite you" or to "purposely do the opposite of what you asked, because you asked," or "because you left a loophole open so technically this is answering your prayer" or something similarly cruel & fickle & utterly ungodly.
...


"You have left all things and have followed Me; you will be repaid a hundred times over, and gain eternal life."
...I always forget this. I literally never remember that yeah, Jesus did tell us to sacrifice everything for His Kingdom, BUT He ALSO told us that HE WILL REPAY US FOR IT, with more than we even gave in the first place. I don't know how, and I can't imagine it, but He has said it so it IS TRUE, and it IS a GOOD thing BECAUSE HE SAID IT.
...


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Passion = MAGNIFICENT reflection on justice & forgiveness =
"Couldn’t God simply pronounce forgiveness? Was it necessary for Christ to go through the painful process of dying? ... If God simply pronounced forgiveness, that would make forgiveness cheap. Our sin is too serious for such a response. WE are too significant for our wrongdoing to be taken so lightly. People who have not been corrected during their childhood, whose wrongdoing has been regarded lightly, will invariably be insecure people. Subconsciously they reason that if they were significant individuals, their actions would be taken seriously...
Because God regards us as significant people, He cannot simply pronounce forgiveness for our sins. They must be punished adequately. And Jesus took the punishment because God knew that if we were to take it on ourselves, there would be no hope for us. Besides, to simply forgive would make a mockery of justice. A world without justice is an insecure and chaotic world. There is right, and there is wrong. And when wrong is done, it is serious. So something serious must be done about it."
THIS IS AT THE HEART OF THE SYSTEM, TOO. Look at the Retributors! Look at Laurie and the other Protectors! Before we got softened to rot by CNC's relativism, we took sin VERY SERIOUSLY and we have the scars to prove it.
...
But oh MAN, that bit about insecurity HIT SO HARD. Is THAT why we started LOOKING for punishment, literally begging people to "hit us" so we would feel forgiven-- so we would feel like moral justice still mattered?
...


MDE = setting off my scrupulosity but nevertheless inspiring =
"Not only did she [Mother Cabrini] prescribe a daily hour of meditation, but she urged also that two hours in the morning and two in the evening be devoted intensively to community prayer in addition to the other pious Practices of the day."
I'm... admittedly panicking over this, haha. I only have a half hour of daily Adoration after Mass, and one of my two hours of morning prayer is done while I'm cooking, to "fit my schedule"; is that sacriligeous? And I only do an hour of night prayer right now because I'm so exhausted. I could do another, but then I'd be... I'd be falling asleep at the altar, and I'd be losing sleep. It's happened before. But maybe I still should do it, for piety. It's just honestly scary, to my body actually, to be exhausting itself so constantly. I'm so bloody weak. God forgive me.

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VOTD = Psalm 25:5.
"Here's what you can count on in life. Sometimes the path is not easy. God will guide you into situations seemingly beyond your capacity to bear. You will be stretched beyond your abilities. You will come to moments of despair. But stay on the path! Keep your hope in God, all the time. He has your best interests in mind. If you stay committed to following the path, however challenging or difficult it may be, you will arrive at exactly the place God meant for you to be."
This came at the perfect time.
To open this entire topic= it is often said because it's true= God never promises to give us an easy life, in fact He promises that we WILL struggle: "in this world you WILL have trouble"! And we must expect this. We must not be scandalized by difficulty or trial, by suffering or loss. God has promised it will happen. Isn't that strange? Why would He promise such things? It is because He is True, and will not give us false hope. Christ suffered, and He suffered because of our sins. That's what ALL suffering originates from, ultimately. There is no suffering in heaven. But that makes this a holy paradox-- when we unite ourselves with Christ by His grace, His Presence can TRANSMUTE our suffering into GRACE, because His Cross has PAID OFF THE DEBT OF SIN. We now have this amazing privilege and ability to SUFFER FOR LOVE. We cannot do this in heaven. We cannot do this without "heaven on earth," which is Jesus within our hearts. And that is why God "lets" us suffer even as Christians-- so we can be entirely united with Christ, Whose very Incarnation required that He suffer, because in this world "Love IS suffering," even for God Made Man. Love seeks the highest good of the other-- their salvation and Life-- and therefore it willingly and joyfully takes on suffering in their place, on their behalf, and/or in unity with them. ONLY LOVE CAN DO THIS. And only God Is Love. It is only by fusing ourselves with Jesus's Life and Death and Resurrection, with His Passion and His Redemptive Sacrifice, that we can become "co-redeemers"-- again, only inasmuch as we let Him suffer IN us. The path to Calvary is not easy, because it was never supposed to be, and cannot be, if it is to have any efficacy and power at all. Our love-- the love of God, Who Is Love-- is proven in the sacrifices we make in His Name, by His Love working in us to achieve its constant and unchanging Purpose of Redemption. We must "take up our Cross" in order to resurrect. We must die in order to live. God the Son promises eternal life to all who believe in Him, and to do so requires believing in His Divine Mission perfected in the Cross. He promises that if we eat & drink of Him-- if we partake in His Sacrifice-- we will never die; we will have Life within us. But that Life had to die in the flesh before He could give us His Resurrected Body and Blood for food, now deathless and purified by Love's Sacrifice of Self. What I'm trying to say is, Christ promises us eternal Life in response to our partaking, however indirectly, in His Passion. It is therefore inevitable that we will suffer while we are in the body as well. It will not be easy. But it will be blessed.

Now the next bit has so many important words. Let me break it down.
1) God "WILL." This is an inevitability. His Character can be counted on; it will not change, and it is ALWAYS loving & just & true & merciful & righteous, etc. Remember this for everything He "will" do.
2) What will He do? GUIDE us. He never pushes or barks orders or lazily tells us to go on ahead. No, like a Shepherd He GUIDES us. He walks ahead of us! This, too, is consistent.
3) Where will He guide us? Into situations. This is an ACTIVE word. Our Christian life is one of BOTH being & doing!
4) What kind of situations? "Ones seemingly beyond our capacity to bear."  Consider this at face value. God WILL GUIDE us into such challenges. This means it is INEVITABLE, it is OUT OF LOVE, and HE GOES WITH US, right up into the front lines.
Now break this down further.
5) "Seemingly beyond." We cannot trust our own understanding or perception. This is NOT incentive to pride-- on the contrary, it is a humbling testament to God's Knowledge and our utter ignorance in contrast. For all we know, this situation might actually be "within our capacity," and we're either too afraid, too proud, or too weak to even consider that possibility.
6) "OUR." This is really the key. Where is your FOCUS? Is it on YOU, or on GOD? Because, remember, you were GUIDED here! YOU ARE NOT ALONE, and in truth, you AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE! You're NOT supposed to be able to do this on your own, and God doesn't expect you to try! That's the whole point! 
7) "Capacity to bear." What determines our capacity? If it is our own mortal strength, then yes, we will stumble, we will slip, we may even fall flat on our face.
...


The reflection =
"Pause and take a moment to reflect on the last time you truly allowed yourself to be led by someone else— the kind of leading that required you to give up control and trust the person leading you..."
Oh boy. THAT'S convicting.
I thought about this for a minute, and I realized-- I don't let other people lead me, because I don't trust them to LEAD. I apparently have this innate conviction that everyone is going to harm me. I can "trust" you to lead me, sure-- to certain doom! And it's ALWAYS malevolent, always violent, always abusive. I "trust" everyone to lie, in order to take advantage of me & use me. I EXPECT to be manipulated & misled. I ASSUME that everyone I ask for help will "trick me" into punishment for asking, like a genie twisting a wish; and I likewise BELIEVE that anyone who OFFERS to help me, to lead me, is effectively offering me candy from an unmarked van. Even if I do accept, and things seem to go okay, I'm waiting for the bomb to drop-- waiting for the "GOTCHA" or the "viral incubation period" or the "oh, by the way..." Basically, I trust that you want to hurt me.
What the heck does this say about my subconscious.
But yeah, all this is why I'm apparently a control freak. It's humiliating to realize & admit, but I must be honest now that the Spirit has shown me. The problem is, it won't change unless my mindset changes concerning motivation. Right now I am STILL CONVINCED that everyone, INCLUDING GOD, is throwing daggers at my mugshot.
...And you know what, that's the other weird thing. I'm so convinced that I'm a convicted criminal that I don't even trust myself not to harm me!! Headspace can attest to this. I literally ASSUME that I'm going to screw up big time and end up dead, by my own fault & foolishness. I don't trust my opinions or judgments or plans. But with awful irony, I'm so afraid of the "GUARANTEE" of malice from others, that I would rather take the risk with my own fumbling efforts because at least I'M NOT ACTIVELY TRYING TO KILL MYSELF. I have hope that, on my own, maybe I'll have a freak success or minimal damage, and I can breathe & sob in relief that I survived, somehow I made it through, it's over, I didn't die-- at least, not until tomorrow.
This is the mindset that ruled my every waking moment during the hacks & hijacks. Nothing & nobody can be trusted to do anything but try to kill you.
...You'll notice this mindset doesn't consider God on either side.
...

"If we're honest, many of us struggle in some way to completely surrender trust. And even when we do decide to surrender, we might still slightly find ourselves trying to take back some measure of control.
We fear being hurt. We fear vulnerability. We fear being misled. We fear rejection..."
1) "SURRENDER" trust. The very language implies that I have to stop fighting, stop resisting, at the very outset. It implies that my will is at war. I see the other person as a conquering army. I see their interaction as an invasion. I am terrified to trust because it means I am putting my hands into shackles. It means I am giving up all control, all autonomy, all identity, all safety, all hope for the future as I imagined it. It means I must hand over the keys, put the weapon down, close my eyes, and shut my mouth. It means I must die to myself. It's terrifying. And it's what Jesus calls me to do.
2) How do I define "hurt?" It's inextricable from "vulnerability." The latter guarantees the former.

3) I already talked about being misled, but it's important to note that it ties directly into the "being hurt." Being misled is not a childish prank, and never an innocent mistake. Misleading is always done like an anglerfish-- with the conscious intent to devour. If you mislead me, you see me as prey.
4) I actually didn't even consider "rejection," because coming from this terrified mindset, being rejected would actually be a liberating relief! It would be the ONLY "PROOF" that the rejector DIDN'T CARE ENOUGH TO KILL ME. It sounds so brutal but it's true. They can't be bothered to waste precious attention & energy on hunting me down. I'm not worth the chase or the bullet. If they refuse to take a position of power over me, that's an ACT OF MERCY, not "rejection"! The only thing they've "rejected" is the social-mode song-and-dance I'd otherwise have to force my frightened body through. By cutting me off at the start, they shut down the whole operation, and I'm free. I don't have to panic. I can try myself, safely as I can, with no risk of outright intentional death. If I fail and get hurt, at least I know it was innocent. Stupid, absolutely, and idiotic, but innocent. On my own, trusting no outside invader, I can at least breathe, if only a little.
It's so miserable.
God still isn't a positive factor. How did I get like this?

Better question-- WHO IS TYPING THIS???
They're evidently female, but they're faceless, and don't identify with the body at all.
We can't find them once they leave the typing front. We can't tap into their mindset. But apparently they are tapped into some very important albeit distressing information. We have to thank them for their honesty with this.


"But here's the truth: when we place our fears in the hands of a loving God, it readies our hearts to cultivate a deeper intimacy with Him. God knows your heart, He sees your struggles, and He's aware of your weaknesses. And He's there— right there, in the midst of your anxieties and fears— ready to guide you, teach you, and lead you to TRUTH."
God cannot mislead you. Start right there.
...


Points from the prayer=
"O Lord, I acknowledge my need for Your guidance. Guide me in Your truth. Teach me Your ways. I place my hope in You."
1) We need to be guided by God, because by ourselves, we are totally lost & confused.
2) That guidance is IN God's Truth-- His Truth is both the means & the goal of His guiding us. He guides us TO the Truth, but He IS the Truth! All in all, we cannot find our way to Him on our own. He must take the initiative-- He must lead the way, paradoxically, to Himself.
3) We likewise cannot "learn" His Ways on our own; we must be taught.
4) Remember from the other day what "hope" actually is=
...

"I trust that You are the Source of all wisdom and that You give wisdom generously to all who ask."
1) Do we ACTIVELY trust that ALL wisdom comes from God alone? Of course we trust this "in theory," but do we still find ourselves trying to "figure things out on our own," relying on human authority & advice, or panicking that we "don't know what is the best option"?
2) On that note, DO we TRUST Him TO give us HIS wisdom? Every capslocked word there is vital.


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From an email =

"[Although 1 Corinthiana 10:13 tells us that] God will never allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear... [in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9] Paul’s agonizing choice of words, “under great pressure,” “far beyond our ability to endure,” and “despairing even of life,” show us that the difficulties he and the other disciples experienced were well beyond their human ability to handle."
TRIALS & TEMPTATIONS ARE NOT THE SAME.
That is a HUGELY IMPORTANT DISTINCTION, because these verses show us VERY clearly that they CANNOT BE DEALT WITH IN THE SAME WAYS.
...

"As much as we’d like to make Satan the scapegoat for all our bad choices, the concept just isn’t biblical. While Satan IS the driving force behind much of the evil in our world today, we have our own sinful nature to blame for most of our sins. James 1:14 says, “Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed.”"
This is something we must remember vigilantly, because it actually empowers us to FIGHT our "evil desires," by ADMITTING WE HAVE THEM. Constantly pointing fingers at the devil actually works in HIS favor, because it robs us of the opportunity for repentance & correction, forgiveness & restoration! Blaming the devil for our sins blinds us to the root causes in our own wounded psyche, preventing healing and promoting despair.
...


"When we’re in the midst of a temptation, resistance seems impossible... we often feel helpless and powerless. [But] God knows the weakness of our flesh, and (in 1 Cor 10:13) He gives us a promise to help us have victory over it... God will never allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear. This tells us we can have victory over any temptation we encounter. Nothing is too hard to resist... [because] God will always provide a way to escape.
...As long as we’re alive, our sinful nature will tempt us. Notice the wording in the passage above. It doesn’t say, “if you are tempted.” It says, “when you are tempted.” Knowing this, we’d be wise to set up this three-fold defense before we encounter a temptation: First, memorize 1 Corinthians 10:13. Second, look for the way of escape. Third, take it."
GOD PROMISES TO HELP THAT MUCH??? EVERY TIME???
Man that is AMAZING and LIFE-CHANGING news.
...

"People who [say "We're all God's children"] really mean, “God created us all,” which is accurate. God is the Father of us all in the sense that He formed us and gave us life. We are not, however, all God’s children. Because God is a relational Being, until we accept His gift of eternal life by confessing and repenting of our sin, accepting Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross on our behalf, and surrendering our lives to Him, we cannot be His children in the truest, most Biblical sense of the word. We are just one of His created beings."
THIS JUST SHOOK ME TO THE BONES, DUDE SERIOUSLY????
The scariest part is that THIS IS APPARENTLY TRUE.
That one line cements it: God is a relational Being. That Truth carries such inexhaustible significance and weight; how did we miss these grave implications?
...


"Initiative and hard work [both affirm] biblical virtues [and should indeed be practiced]. It’s important to note, however, that God is most well known for helping widows, orphans, and other needy individuals who are unable to help themselves. This brings great comfort to many who fall on hard times."
Oh man that really is, and it's also the biggest incentive & order to do the very same whenever & however we can!
We are all entirely dependent on God, this is true. But it does not mean we "wait for Him to do all the work"! Remember, God is RELATIONAL. Just like in Eden, we are created to cooperate with Him. That's where heaven kisses earth. That's where the miracles happen.
...


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I've realized why I feel so crushed & exhausted all the time.
I am absolutely overextending myself with prayer.

I'm reading 5 daily devotional books, doing all the Youversion daily reflections, saying 3 novenas, getting daily news & prayers in my inbox, saying the Divine Office, and then doing ALL my daily prayers of routine-- the Rosary, chaplets, cards, etc. AND going to Mass.
This literally takes about 12 hours total. Twelve hours. It's wrecking me. I feel pulled in every direction. There's no focus. There's no "finishing" anything. Everything feels incomplete, unstructured, disordered, random, and overwhelming. I feel lost & scared & anxious & alone. I feel like a total failure. I feel so far away from God.


Here's the basic schedule, by the way:
***all times are approximate and WILL be altered in length by OCD, panic, and/or dissociation, as well as by family phone calls & messages***
630-710 Wake up self & house, morning wall prayers
710 leave house for Mass, pray on the way
730-800 Mass
800-830 private adoration & Lauds
835 run home, pray on the way
845-900 get into daily clothes & clean up
900-1030 Daily rosary, Saint Michael chaplet, Terce
1030-1130 Cooking while saying Bridget prayers & Seven Sorrows
1130-1200 Cleanup while saying Two Hearts Chaplet, Sext, and reading all devotional books
1215-330 IDEAL TIME: eating while doing all Youversion devotionals & typing on morning prayers, Bible study focus
300 pause for None!
330-345 Cleanup & dinner prep
345-500 THE PANIC HOUR. Right now we keep pushing breakfast later & later, saying more unscheduled morning prayers on the phone, just to "prevent this free time from happening". We should say our prayer cards during this time.
500-530 Wall prayers
530-615 Divine Mercy chaplet & Vespers
620-750 Dinner while doing Bible study & reflections, or reading religious articles
800-830 Night cleanup & chores, prep for bed
830-900 Altar prayers
900-1000 THE ONLY FREE HOUR WE HAVE TO REST.
1000-1030 Bed prep, night wall prayers & Compline
1030-630 SLEEP, AT LAST, if our schedule isn't running overtime


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