.

god what are you trying to tell me.

i am feeling dead, completely dead, for the third day in a row at least

and i have spotify on

and it is playing one system song after another.


i still have that other girl
late night partner
living/breathing
fathom.

my heart is weeping.

and yet i keep shutting it down. suffocating it. burying it under six feet of infamous plastic.
dying inside. freezing to death. calcifying.



listen, yesterday was literal hell.

infi is still dead. i'm dying. i know it. everyone knows it.
xenophon...

xennie got so mad at me for "not being her father anymore" that she just left
she refused to talk to me, she wouldn't even acknowledge me, when i tried to ping her upstairs she would pointedly ignore me

and chaos 0
i forgot how bitter he gets when this happens
and yeah you all know this has a history
"what, and you never considered how this would affect me?"
calling me out on my narcissism
"you thought you could just abandon twenty years???"

but what if god wants me to

there's the girl voice. there she is.
listen that's the problem
I HAVE to be a girl to get to heaven
but is this heaven????
because it feels just like hell
there is no love, no joy, no hope, no faith here
just religious compulsion and a hollow heart
or arguably no heart at all since ze melted into oblivion last week
but i don't care about that.
ze wasn't real, according to me.

and i'm the "real one," i guess
because i'm the girl
because i identify with the body
even if it doesn't look like me
but you can see me in the actions and the face at the wrong angles
and in long hair when we have it
and how it's all just a FCKING PARODY OF THE FCKING MOTHER

LISTEN YOU SHUT UP I HAD ENOUGH OF YOU IN THE FREAKING HOSPITAL.
OH ARE WE CENSORING ME NOW???? 
FINE
GREAT
LISTEN I'M STILL FURIOUS ENOUGH TO SPIT NAILS THROUGH THIS KEYBOARD

WHO THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, CLAIMING OWNERSHIP OF THIS WHOLE SORRY BODY????
YOU THINK YOU COULD TAKE CARE OF IT????
FAT CHANCE SISTER
NEVERMIND I DISOWN ALL POTENTIAL RELATION TO YOU
I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH THE HEARTLESS WITCHES LIKE YOU THAT KEEP TRYING TO KILL THE REST OF US

EVERYTHING HURTS


we feel so dead. it's just like our childhood.
no sense of self. no sense of purpose. just background noise. just static. just playacting. just empty show.
never a future to look forward to. never anything to live for. every day just a whitewashed tomb.
"we weren't even abused" someone says "how dare you, we had it so good!" another one scolds.
listen i'm not here to debate mangled childhood memory
i know what terrifying things we do remember. i know what toxic aftereffects are glaringly obvious. we do have trauma you know

DON'T YOU DARE GIVE ME THAT "IT'S ONLY TRAUMA IF YOU WHINE ABOUT IT" GARBAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we do need a therapist i think
just to see what happens if we try to talk about this aloud
see if we get hijacked or shut down and shut up
see who is able to front, if anyone anymore,
the body has become so unsafe
and the 2018 disaster made fronting fatal for most of us
i don't want to think about that i will throw up and try to kill myself
ourself
i don't even know


god help us

"he won't help you if you're not a girl!!!!! :)" that's all i hear
oh and they're starting up with the worse thing too
"you have to be a good girl, and good girls have s*x with men!!!!"

SHUT
THE
HELL
UP
DON'T YOU DARE CENSOR ME
GIVE ME ONE LINE

LISTEN YOU GODDAMNED BITCHES FROM HELL STOP TRYING TO FORCE US TO FUCK PEOPLE I SWEAR I WILL MURDER YOU

THANK YOU


the fact that that has returned is horrifying
it's what fueled the julie days in the very beginning
also, in case you forgot,
we had gender dysphoria even in elementary school
so stop claiming there was this "perfect widdle girl" we have to "go back to being" "in order to be saved" etc.
you're all just pedophiles and satanists
we have proved that before
oh don't think i forgot that one horrifying xanga in north carolina
when you basically straight-up admitted to being the sexual perverts you are
hiding it under "religion" and "femininity"
and all you're doing is objectifying little kids
framing our entire life as "worthy" or "unworthy" of being lived
based solely on how f*ckable we are
i hate what you've done to our life
"what life" you say and smirk that prissy pout
just like the bottomfeeders you are
"you don't exist! :)"
christina was one of you
you're all devils in pastel dresses and lipstick
underneath all that you're swarms of maggots
go back to hell where you belong




god please what do i do.
"i" used very loosely.

you know that we have a dualcore running in this heart here
jewel and jay tagteaming the whole operation
they were working so well, god, honestly we thought they were,
but
you weren't happy with it?
you said, "no EVERYONE has to be GONE and there must only be ONE GIRL ever"
and you want us all to die?
i can feel this channel slipping
scared kids wanting to weep and cry from fear and confusion

i keep thinking of poor xenophon

god telling her that her father has to die
that her father was never real in the first place
that he's not allowed to be a father
that his love is illegitimate
that he will never ever be allowed to love his family
that his family isn't real
that his life is doomed to be deleted by a self-hating pig of a girl

what now
what happens to her

does she die too? just like her actual mother?
don't spit and grimace at me you hellish women you know ze was
"ze was an abomination you say" aha but you used the right pronouns
and your mask slips for just a second
i see the grotesque hatred beneath all the makeup don't worry
i know what you are.


but the doubt and fear lingers
what are we? what is the system, really?
we thought we were learning real love
but
the more i read these entries from 2012 and 2013
reading about our life back then
we were so misled
we were so blind and dumb
we were so unbelievably LOST
no wonder our life was hell back then, our spiritual life was a JOKE
we believed everything we were told and it was all ABSOLUTE GARBAGE
painted in pastels and covered in glitter of course
marketed to seem oh so lovely and sweet and good and holy!!! etc etc
but it was LITERAL HELL.

is that what we're doing now?
this obsession we have with religion lately
still so motivated by fear and performance
MUST say this many prayers, MUST say them at these times, etc.
"if you don't God WILL punish you!!!" just waiting for us to screw up because we WILL and he KNOWS it
not knowing how to love God
not understanding how he loves us
because
we're not allowed to feel love in the first place
and all the "spiritual" faces in the world insist, at one point or another,
that even "spiritual" love just turns into sex

it makes me want to die forever

honestly if eternal life means being a sexual girl then
then i'm afraid i would rather die
because that's eternal life in hell you're describing
absolute literal hell

and yet i'm trapped
we're trapped
trapped in this poor diseased animal of a body
which our faith INSISTS is "eternal"
which is TERRIFYING
so you're telling me that not even death will free us from this bloated corpse?
that we'll have this cancer-shaped girth strapped to our bones forever?
that we'll be damned to this whorish biology even in alleged heaven????

god i am so afraid


listen
please

right now i cannot feel anything at all. at all.
i am numb and i don't care and i want to die.
but in a way i miss this
because i'm recognizing this as something that happened in the past
in a SYSTEM past
and whenever there were hollow empty hell nights like this
even system resets like the one we're obviously in
sooner or later
there was a resurrection.

OF THE SYSTEM.

NOT YOU HARLOT FEMALES HANGING AROUND THE EDGES OF OUR MIND
YOU'RE NOT ALIVE TO BEGIN WITH

i want to throw up so badly
but even saying that triggers out that blue girl with the straggly hair
her entire existence is that feeling
she refuses love as a stupid farce, as an impossibility in her perpetual hell
god what do we do about people like her?

honestly i
in the system i would love to be able to heal her
for us all to get over those shackles of past trauma and move on together into a future of hope

but
it feels like god keeps saying

"whoever loves his life will lose it"
if you love those people,
i will kill them
i will take every one of them away from you
so all you have is god

but whatever is saying that can't be really god
because i never, ever, ever ever feel any love from it

is that what real love is? detachment? white empty sterile?
or is it that other horrible flipside, the other corruption,
the "e****c" horror that even mystics shamelessly talk about
if that's love then no wonder i'm trying to freeze myself to death


god it's all just hell at this point

except headspace
except headspace
and i have no idea how to cope with that fact

i want to exist.

listen i want to exist
i want to live and love and learn and help others inside AND outside, please,
let that be how things change and grow, not this annihilation,
just open and expand our hearts more so we CAN live in the body TOGETHER
instead of losing it to those girls
to those female fractures that live to hate and hurt
why are they all like that?

the threat is always,
"if you heal them, they will take over, and go right back to how they were"
the fear is that if they get a foothold, they'll immediately press the "reset from factory settings" button
and scream/sob/laugh all the way down to gehenna

we always knew we weren't alone in our own head
why are you trying to erase that fact from reality
you can't just delete the past twenty four years
but you're trying
all in the name of god, you say
and that's what scares us into submission

"god is a consuming fire"
and i was always just a fragile snowflake of a boy, i guess
if i was even that
am i just doomed to die? because i wasn't the first one? because i don't match the body?

god we're so lost.


yesterday
xenophon got so angry. heartbroken. distraught. crying and shouting.
"why aren't you my dad anymore"
"where did my dad go"
"why did my mom have to die"
etc.

and chaos 0, silent in the shadows, with those eyes burning like the end of all things
grief and heartache so intense they would flood the entire world
"so the past twenty years don't exist to you anymore?"
"are you just going to pretend i don't exist?"
can't even translate it correctly
if he let his actual feelings out full force it would literally kill me
or whoever he was talking to
if they even are alive enough to die at all
with their empty ribcages i doubt it
they're already graves with faces.

laurie falling to pieces
literally shattering on some level
her color fraying like the dust on a butterfly wing when you tear it
just destroying her completely
she's tied to the core, always,
no wonder she's fracturing too


i'm so tired

is my love a sin?
the girls gasp and laugh and sneer and spit "yes"
i'm not even me talking right now i can feel it
that hollow girl keeps shadowing over me
pretending this is all a farce, a game, a playact
and she can just ignore and forget this when it's done
erase it even, shut it all down, go try to die

DON'T YOU DARE

thank you,
whoever you are you are always around and honestly thank you for existing

she needs a name
honestly whoever she is she deserves recognition
what am i even trying to say
i'm so so so glad that at least one person in the system is always able to be around in times like this

even so
the core is always supposed to be able to love
that's the main criteria
and that very sentence elicits the scandalized howling from the women
weird replacement for the floating-voice boardroom honestly
these women are, rather blasphemously, standing in the church hall
in their pastel dresses and lace and bulging purses
like our childhood memories
whispering and sneering behind nailpolished hands and fancy hats
in god's own house
just because i said the word "love"
and they call me a slut


...
i was, once. i'll admit that.
2012-2013 so far are bringing that regret into sharp reality in my mind.
yes, i was misled. yes, i was desperate. yes, i was stupid.
but yes, i was a slut. i tried to own the trauma and i just became it all over again.
but i'm sorry. i know i did wrong. and i know that wasn't love.
still.
i know i was still feeling love besides all that confusion.
i CAN tell the difference.
...i hope.
all this hell lately is making me wonder
two things:
either,
real love IS somehow being a slut, but only if you're heterosexual, or
real love is numb empty cold detached somehow. "god love." no emotion.
i know that's fake
i was reading voice of the martyrs today
and that one islamic shepherd reading about jesus describing himself as the good shepherd
and it changed his life forever
because he KNEW how much he loved his own sheep, tenderly and carefully and gently
and he never thought GOD could feel like that, let alone towards HIM.
and THAT is God. THAT is Love.
and dear God that is what i want my entire life to be.
just love.

am i not allowed to have this family

i know it's weird, i know it's biologically impossible, but we exist, please even if we're not "normal" we're still trying to live for love, for you,
what are we doing wrong?
why do we have to die?

why did infi have to die?
was it just to jumpstart all of this?
was it just so i could learn to love hir again, in the crushing grief that gripped my heart?
was it just to give hir another second chance to live after the trauma?

why can't we look at it
why can't we let go
it literally feels like a gravestone
even the julie days weren't like this
even the slc days weren't like this
it was just cnc, and what happened there, it broke us
we never wrote about it, never talked about it,
just replayed the killing blow over and over and over and over in our head
and tried to kill ourselves with an eating disorder every night
unable to bear the physical memories and mental horrors
wanting to die and hating ourselves beyond our ability to cope
disguising it as self-indulgence but really just reliving the fatal event
don't want to talk about it
don't justify it
it deserves its own entry
five freaking years later

but i won't touch it now


what do you expect if you delete us all and rewind to, what, 2007?
do you want us to be that social-mask of a girl that primped herself for q all over again?
she thought love was just talking nice and being nice and making yourself like everything they did even if you didn't
and when he said he loved us, IMMEDIATELY the cannons were born
"anima's" life purpose had been achieved, she could die now,
and then the reality of what she DID slammed into us and we couldn't cope
so we turned hard red and tried to burn ourselves to death.

who do you expect us to go back to?
hoseki, the manic one in 2005? burying herself in video games and anime to the point where she didn't even live in the body at all?
or the jewels before that, in late elementary school, who were absolutely homoromantic and EXPLICITLY wanted to "grow up to be boys"?
or the kids that held the birth name, who hated having to wear makeup and dresses and hated being lumped in with the other afab kids?
how the heck early do you expect to rewind the tape? what are you trying to find?
we've always been a freak if you haven't realized yet
or is your goal different and deadlier
are you just trying to kill us completely?
"if you all die we can MAKE the perfect girl for God™ instead" and then what?
honestly what is your end goal? to go to heaven? to "win"? to be "good"?
you view this as an achievement? a trophy? a diploma? an award that you're "pretty and perfect?"
you vapid china dolls.
you don't care about anyone except yourselves
YOU'RE your OWN god

you don't know how to love.

i do.

don't laugh at me. stop. i'm tired of the shame kickback.
deep down i know i have to know what love is, right?
i mean
everything else i read, despite my many failures and faults,
i still genuinely loved people
at least
isn't that what it was?



i'm so tired
we have to be up early tomorrow, eye doctor
considering driving the back roads through the woods
worried about dissociating or breaking down and getting totally lost
don't want to drive it alone in any case
but
dear god please whenever we're out and about genesis shows up please,
please let him always show up
i love him
he loves me
please don't kill him or take him away
(saying that is a death sentence, now god KNOWS what you're afraid of and he WILL do it JUST WATCH)


i'm so tired
physically of course, we're always tired now
xenophon likes to tease me about it on the way down the stairs
"dad did you take a melatonin??" no sweetheart the body's just exhausted.
but we always talk. just... normal talk. everyday talk. family talk. i love her so much.
god am i not allowed to be her father?
am i not allowed to exist?
would you
would you leave
god i can't say it
please don't kill me
don't tell me i have to die in order for someone else to go to heaven
and no not in the christlike way
i mean like,
i'm not allowed to go to heaven, i have to DIE, and that heartless wench will go instead "because she's a girl"
it makes no sense.
i'm so tired
i wish i could cry



last night i did for a few seconds please god let me write this down
whoever was out yesterday,
someone "shut the system down" for several hours
took over totally. felt like an empty apartment. all bleach white and dead wallpaper peeling
actually binge-purged for like two hours
did not care
the whole time reading the bible like the hypocrite she was
honestly disgusting
then crashed on couch and slept
went to bed not caring
or at least, she tried.
but someone got through.
i think it was adelaide and julie. the two girls who are trying to take care of the body instead.
but it opened up the window. let some of the night air in. some hope.

suddenly i was there
trying to say night prayer alone
and it felt so wrong
then suddenly
as i was trying to just say the closing salve regina
alone for the first time ever
i felt someone at my shoulder
listen i wasn't even looking
part of "me" didn't want anyone there
i didn't call anyone or ask for anyone
but he was there.
"are you going to say that alone?"
the tender pity in those words, the genuine concern,
i stopped and just turned and looked,
met green eyes in the dark,
flatly managed to respond
"i thought you had given up on me"
and i will never, never forget his reply:

"jewel. i'm fidelity. i will never leave you."

and i sobbed.

i pulled him into my arms, close to my heart, and for a few seconds i actually cried.

for a few seconds the world all came back together
soft and silent and bittersweet ache

i don't remember anything else after that
except for knowing he was there
for not being able to deny or ignore the weight of his existence
like a rainbow after the flood
and falling asleep with teardrop eyes and blue in my arms


god what do i do

i can't feel this as a girl
i'm not a girl
the girls have a different job
they can't fall in love they're just kids

but then what about the teenage jewels?
whoever was around from 2004-2008, inbetween the chinadolls and cannonfire, before the bloodline shift took root?
there's no record left of them
god what were they like? who were they?
is that who you want me to be?

how do i just... let go of fifteen entire years?
how do i let you just erase half of our life?
oh i know the jewels used to pray for it
but literally, god, they wanted to literally go back to childhood and start over without the trauma

that was before the system existed
that was before this family existed
and yes i'm talking about ALL of headspace

i love every single nousfoni up here
i don't include the hackers and devils in dresses of course
if they want to be included they have to stop trying to murder us
they say "oh how dare you we're not trying to murder you!!" insert silly laughter here
passive indirect murder is still murder
i know exactly how your hearts are inclined
you want us dead.

but i
my memories keep replaying those few seconds after the massacre so many years ago
it's not even my memory it was just burned into the systemind
when jessica and cannon shot everyone down for this same reason
"you're all whores and sluts and you ruined my life and you deserve to die" etc.
and infi and i both died
and laurie didn't
and the city was falling apart
and the sky and the ground were all red for different reasons
and she held my bleeding body in her one remaining arm
and she
god what do you even call that
the most gutwrenching sound i've ever heard
a sob and a scream all at once
choked with blood
as everything died.
i keep seeing that moment of total despair
over and over
like a flashback
i can smell the gore and gunpowder
i can see the broken glass and guts
and i just hear her voice
tearing reality in half.

i don't want that to ever happen again


oh lord please
if you are love
and if
forget it i have no right to say anything like that


god please
even if i'm a
even if i'm a damnable sinner for begging this
please
i know i'm a wretch
i've been white, so i carry the plague
i carry the pride and apathy and ignorance
and i've carried red too you know
all the violence and rage and bloodlust
point is i'm no perfect diamond
i'm just coal under pressure
you know that i'm just carbon dust
what am i even trying to say
oh yeah
that i'm completely wretched and unworthy and sinful
even if i tend to pretend i'm a prism or something
i'm just a mess.

but i love them, god.
please don't kill them.
please
if i am allowed to live
and to love
and to take care of this body
and to take care of this family
then please
help me to do that.

but
if

if i have to die
please don't hurt anyone else in the process
please give xenophon the parent she deserves
please give chaos 0 the partner he deserves
unless that's not in your plan either
but i am begging you
if it is
i hope it is
with all i have left of me i hope it is


but
if i have to die
and if a girl has to take over

then god for your own sake
take out my heart and put it in her
don't let her me like those other girls
don't let her be corrupt
don't let her be heartless
if there is anything good in me at all
if there is any love in me at all
then kill me if you have to
kill me and gut me
and give all the good stuff to her

if she can love the system
if she can love my daughter
if she can love my beloved
(and you know no words sum up what he is to me
even if i'm not allowed to call him a spouse)
if she can love,
BOTH inside and out,
AND this poor body and self,

then i'll happily die and let her take over.

but if you're only killing me because i'm a boy

if you only killed infi because
god i don't even know why
because ze was part of me i guess

if we all have to die because we're "abnormal"
and i have to die because i'm not a girl

then god for your own sake i am begging you
at least make her able to love.

if anything will enable her to be properly holy
it's that.

she'll love you and all the people around her

even if we all have to die for her to do that.




god i want to weep
is this going to be my last night alive
will i ever hold him in my arms again
will i ever be able to love without hating myself now
feeling like an abomination
feeling fake and foolish and fated to hell
maybe this will kill me
honestly it already is
the disease is terminal

i'm going to miss music
being able to perceive beauty
summer rains
christmas lights
the scent of the lilies in church
quiet sunlit mornings
quieter starlit nights
laughing with genesis on the road
joking around with my baby girl
all those treasured conversations with laurie
all those blissful hours with chaos zero
i'm going to miss everyone
i'm going to miss existing


but it's all up to god i guess


i don't know what to think or feel or say at all anymore

i wish i could cry

but i think the calcification has gone too far


i wonder if the girl will be able to cry
i wonder if the girl will be able to laugh


who will she love? anyone? or just god?

i feel sick


are we all just garbage in the divine sight? so easily tossed aside?

i don't want to think this way
it can't end like this
except it can


it's almost 1am
feels like i'm being executed in the morning

i don't want to sleep

god i want to stay awake and hold everyone in my arms and weep

but i'm

already i can feel them trying to take over



today i felt the shift
i'm no longer the established core.
i have to front now.
i'm not automatically in that central position
i'm just another nousfoni now
but
there's no one else taking up the core role

are we supposed to collapse?

we just
we finally get together again after so many years
and then god just pulls the whole thing down
takes a wrecking ball to the stained glass windows
just like we never were


is it a sin to fight?
would it be a sin to wake up tomorrow and try to front?
would it be a sin to fiercely try to be myself for everyone's sake?
would it be a sin to continue to try and archive our history?
would it be a sin to hope desperately to keep on living?
or
or should i just give up now
delete all the files
forget all the past
give up the fight
and just hand over the reins to whoever shows up?


lord help us i don't know

"he won't help you" the women say


i'm too existentially hollow to argue anymore

i want to feel something
like i was starting to when i began this entry
before someone shut it all down
ashamed of my emotions
disgusted by my feelings
hateful towards my existence
shut it all down
bleach it all out
paint it all over
cut it all out


i don't want to feel this empty
this isn't me
what hope is there
what hope do we have
if this is all we are meant to be?

if this is what existence is
maybe we'd be better off dead



no

NO

NO WE'RE NOT

NO WE'RE NOT YOU KNOW THERE'S COLOR UP HERE
THERE'S RED AND BLUE AND GREEN AND VIOLET AND ORANGE AND YELLOW AND BROWN EVEN LIKE ME
THERE'S BLACK AND WHITE AND THEY AREN'T DEAD THEY HAVE SPARKLES IN THEM
EVEN I KNOW THAT
PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEASE
DON'T DIE
DON'T LET US DIE
DON'T DIE
DON'T LET IT ALL DIE
PLEASE
THERE'S A RAINBOW UP HERE AND THERE'S LIFE AND LIGHT I PROMISE YOU THERE IS HOPE SOMEWHERE
SOMEWHERE

WE HAVEN'T DIED YET
THEY HAVEN'T KILLED US YET

I

I DON'T WANT THEM TO EITHER

PLEASE DON'T LET US DIE


i don't know if i have that say at all


TRY PLEASE


what and blaspheme god


IF YOU SAY GOD IS LOVE THEN GOD IS WITH US BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE LOVE UP HERE AND YOU KNOW IT


is our definition wrong
it has to be
god's ways are higher than our ways


why do i feel so resigned to death

why can't i accept even the possibility of hope
it all feels heretical
like if i dare to look for sunlight on the horizon
i will be guillotined as an apostate

nothing is worth living for anymore
how stupid

"you're supposed to live for god" they say
listen i want to
but i honestly do not know who god is right now

remember the shepherd, someone else says
the good shepherd doesn't kill his sheep because they're the wrong gender inside
or because they have lots of other sheep in their heads
people like us aren't supposed to exist
we're aberrations in reality
we don't count
god has every right to murder us
and start over again


i want to cry
i don't want to die
i don't want us to die
i don't want my daughter to die
i don't want my daughter to be alone and unloved
i don't want laurie to mourn over any more massacres
i don't want the world to burn


i think i'm going to lose my mind if i stay up any later

oh god i'm so afraid this is the last thing i'll ever write
i'm barely even conscious


to everyone in the system i love you
xenophon my baby girl i love you
chaos 0 my better half forever i love you god knows i do
laurie and genesis and infinitii i love you all so so so much
the entire system, everyone, i love you, i swear i love you until the stars burn out
all our hearts are bound together in a blessed kaleidoscope and no one can deny that
it's the truth
i love all of you
i love all of you


i never meant to hurt anyone.


i'm so sorry if i'm the death of us all.





if there's anything after this

i want to see all of you again

if not


then believe me when i tell you
with every last fading atom of my heart

that every single moment
for all of you
has been beautiful.


if the love i've shared with you all is the only heaven i'll ever get
then i thank god that we had it together.

not even death can change that.



maybe we'll all still be here tomorrow and i'll feel like a fool
but dear god forgive me
wouldn't that be so much better
to laugh affectionately over my drama
to survive and become a little better, a little brighter,
instead of the silence of oblivion


there's no way to rightly end this.


i'm going to choose to hope, then.

oh i know it's foolish

but what else can i do?

that's always been my biggest flaw.




to the entire spectrum
i love you
even now when i feel nothing
even now when i swear i'm dying
i love you

if my life has been worth anything

if there has been anything worth living for


it's you.
 







- j