a prayer for renewal

Lord, what is my new name?

Do You want me to be Red? Do You want me to abandon White?

Do You want me to be a girl or a boy inside? Both?

Am I to stop being a father? Am I to stop being a partner? How much do You want me to leave behind?

Who do YOU want me to be in this nascent era?

I cannot see the future. I am too tangled up in the past. I do not know what You need me to do, or be, or feel, or think. 

I cannot discern Your Will on my own. Even worse, I cannot seem to discern Your Voice in the matter. I am too overwhelmed by pain & fear & regret & anger & despair. 

Whoever You recreate me as now, please, I beg of You-- make me someone who can love. I want to be able to love as YOU do, to serve & comfort & guide & counsel, to protect & encourage & assist & accompany, to forgive & heal & repair & worship. I want to be able to live 100% FOR YOUR GLORY.

Does that mean leaving my heartfamily behind?

Does that mean sacrificing my sense of self?

Lord, only You know what I should, and must, do.

Only You can make me new.

I cannot do it. That is the Spirit's Prerogative, forever and exclusively. 

So, I surrender everything I am to You. 

Give me a new face. Give me a new name. Give me a new life.

Make me an instrument of Your Peace.

Amen.

 

043023

 

No music Mass so slept in
Feeling REAL sick to stomach, dizzy?
EXTREMELY derealized

SJE Mass
Sister from Africa; told a different story than yesterday, really hit home

Jesus telling me "AS OF TODAY, YOU'RE RED."
Would not change this. No delay, no "wait until," no "but if" etc. Told me TWICE. Gentle joyful smile but AUTHORITATIVE.

Redners stop
Genesis ghosting in lot. Saw him so clearly

Home for 1?

Mimic music joke (what was it? totally unexpected, it's great when he is randomly amiable like that)

Sharona checking mailboxes for names

Adelaide & Julie our main fronters for the evening, doing respective jobs. surprised at how well they both front in their own respects.
Sharona fronts super solidly too? Shocked

Scalpel BLUSHING over how hard the retribution instinct runs

...

Prayer OCD but still brought so much blessing