Last night I was honestly awake until 430 typing & trying to find IDW scans & summaries for Mimic. labor of love bro, i
told youWoke up at 1030 when mom called
Gotta get up already because she already has a busy day planned. I love her but I'm so exhausted with her hypercrammed lifestyle; I tried to express this but she doesn't really take no for an answer when she is set on something.
So I have to go up the house as soon as we eat Breakfast, to help her post more stuff on Facebook, send business emails, try on clothes & shoes, & possibly start baking for the church sale this weekend? And THEN we have back to back church AND choir practice from 515 until around 7pm, 730 at the latest.
So I'm kinda glad Spice & Laurie let the ED nousfoni cut up that apple last night because we might have to bring it TO church to prevent a starving bingepurge after. Geez. Gotta be prudent and realistic about the risks here.
Also I think we just set a new Outspacer record.
Previously we were all shocked at how quickly Phlegmoni showed up inside AND got a name, but... still, it was a few weeks.
...I'M, UH, ALREADY HAVING DREAMS ABOUT MIMIC,
I swear it's my soft spot for cephalopods. I'm in trouble, haha. BUT SERIOUSLY.
So like... within 24 hours of getting legit outspacer "compatibility pings" for this dude, my subconscious has already decided "oh cool new octopus, does this mean I get to romance them" APPARENTLY.
...I know I'm trying to joke about it but honestly it's a result of how... honest this was? Like I feel I should be ashamed at my nerve but it
wasn't done brashly; yeah it DID happen fast in realtime but... geez I just feel too much, too close, too quickly. I'm ready to dive in before thoroughly testing the waters. How deep is it? How cold is it? All I know is
I want to swim and dammit there are
really gorgeous critters under those waves, so let's take that chance and take the plunge.
...Why am I always afraid to write this stuff down. Am I afraid I'm going to be condemned and slandered as a whore because I dared to act on affection? What terror in my upbringing generalized that hideous label so much?
...I'm not sure where we were. Some fancy room in a fancy house, but one on the ground floor, more like an enclosed porch? Lots of glass looking out. It was either evening or dawn, with that soft indigo light outside-- NOT NIGHT, which is significant.
We were sitting on the floor there, with all these white sheets and throw pillows casually tossed about? Not sure if we were talking; the dream felt like "picking up in the middle" of something.
...God only knows how or why but he was
quieter. Not flustered like Chaos gets, but almost "sad" in his reservedness? Very blue emotional vibe-- not depressed, just "blue" as in the color. Almost indigo, really. He wasn't aloof or averse or even reticent; It surprised me even in the dream, like dude I've seen you
pulling knives, what is this?
He was sitting with his back against the window, and a bunch of those pillows inevitably. Tiny guy! He's surprisingly small in stature compared to most folks upstairs.
I was actually talking
less than he was. He was kind of monologuing? Half to me, half to himself.
Then I was fumbling with some side clasp on that capelet of his. Two hooks by the right shoulder. He was talking again, more agitated emotionally, but not upset or protesting, more like... you shouldn't do something like
that with someone like
me. Like why do you
want to. Why me?
I don't think i even replied in words. I just quietly slipped the cape off his shoulders and kissed him square on the chest.
It's surreal. I remember the exact texture of it-- slightly rubbery, with all these tiny scars, small but numerous, like you see on whales. Not smooth like CZ. Different scent, too-- there was an oceanic note but overall it was notably more organic-- the watery hints were heavy but subtle, like an edge of murky deep-water. But he had a
body and I'm not used to that: it's what struck me most.
He wrapped his arms around the back of my head and almost
sobbed. I suddenly wanted to kiss his face so badly but I kept thinking no, that's too sudden, it's too close, and anyway how did we even get THIS far? What led up to this? How did this happen, why is he letting me do this, why is he letting me be with him at all? Why is he actually daring to be so honest and vulnerable when its obvious that its a hugely courageous effort on his part? I echoed his words in my own head:
why me?...I remember his face was "blushing"
such a dark blue. Not out of embarrassment either; it was more like... he was
not used to feeling
anything, let alone something as sudden and strong as this. Honestly I was genuinely shocked at how
stable he was the whole time. Chaos 0
loses himself in EVERYTHING; he's
so emotional that it's basically expected for him to feel everything 1000% and to express that outright. But Mimic, whatever he was actually experiencing, was just... how do I explain. Notably "level" in that there were no outbursts or shocks or anything, but he was
apparently deeply affected. "Soberly emotional?" And always that
sad look, not sorrow but
gravity. Laurie gets looks like that a lot, when the reality of something serious but bittersweetly-positive sinks in. Not the same, but close enough to compare. Like realizing you've hit a point of no return, something you know won't hurt you but you're still terrified. And how did you
get there, after everything else? The weight of the world on your shoulders and the burden of your sins on your back and then
this. Something all at once shifts the pattern of things and now what? why me? why you? what led to this and where is it going? regardless of the answer, there's a break in the chains. even just in a dream, even out of nowhere. for a second things are too real and you can't run but for once you don't want to but... still. caught between past and present and future. one heavy second that redefines things and now how do you move forwards? with all that behind you? with all the walls you've built and all the masks you've worn and all the parts of yourself you've tried to kill and buried?
even if this is just an inexplicable dream, it happened. and now you have to see things differently.
i'm not sure if i'm talking about me or the look on his face. maybe both. probably.
i honestly don't know what was going through his head. but i keep thinking about that crumbling motion where he just tangled those gloves in my hair and
wept. just for a second.
...
I know at some point we had to leave? or were going to? like we knew jewel and tangle and whisper were around and needed to/ wanted to come into that room. but we weren't
panicking, it was more like a
grief? realizing that mimic
still had a cruel history with them and they would not--
should not-- just "drop it" because he was an emotional jumble at the moment. there is always so much reparation to do, and it takes a long time, and it's
so difficult, and it may not even be accepted or believed or wanted. you might just get spit in the face and kicked in the dirt. you know you deserve it. that, too, is bloody difficult to come to true terms with. but it must be done, all of the efforts of restitution, for your own sake as well as theirs, regardless. in that first moment when something callous in you finally cracks and you decide
that's it, i've had enough, i'm exhausted, i'm miserable, i'm sick of living in fear and hate and spite all the time-- in that initial spark of white-knuckled hope, you
always get scorched, because it sharply illuminates
all the fires you've set with those same hands. all the blood you've drawn. all the bridges you've burned. all the lies you've told, to yourself and others; all the lives you've wrecked, both your own and others...
geez. gonna be thinking about this for
days, if not weeks.
but. another observation that upsets me about all this.
I see myself in third-person way too often in dreams. either it's a trauma dream and i'm "stuck in my own body" in 1st person but i'm not in control, or i'm seeing myself in a different body over and over as an outside observer.
that speaks unfortunate volumes about my self-identity, really.
...
End-of-the-day update.
We had breakfast at
two in the afternoon. Not only did it take us a while to get out of bed, but when we were cooking eggs we realized one had been
broken in the carton, so we immediately took it out and sure enough it was rotten inside. dodged a bullet there. but then when we got a new one out we accidentally dropped the lid of the tea box on it. of all things. but it cracked
that one too. so, sleep-deprived and stupid, i stuck it in the microwave for a few seconds to try and "firm it up" without it boiling out into the water and... yep. it exploded. "egg-sploded," as xenophon immediately commented, haha. (she was
so proud of herself for that pun, it was adorable)
so we cleaned that up, and we were
finally going to eat when the FIRE ALARM WENT OFF. literally a few doors down from us on our floor. so we had to temporarily evacuate.
honestly even as it happened we were laughing. for the whole scenario, eggs and all. it's all we could do, really-- treating it all as "divine chastisement" or "signs that we were doing something evil" would have sent us into a downward spiral of self-loathing and helped no one. and it's
not me, to think like that.
i... haven't been fronting much during the day, as much as i should? we've been too overstressed and socially overwhelmed. and underslept, obviously!
Mom picked us up for church at 4:45. I honestly don't remember what we did for that 90 minutes. Nothing bad, apparently, which is good, but still the memory loss is disturbing as always.
Church was lovely but we could not pull our thoughts or concentration together. We STILL feel sick, too; not as bad as yesterday but it's notable enough to affect our functioning. nausea, dizziness, weakness, headaches, malaise, etc. thank God we have an appointment with our PCP tomorrow. we still have no car, but we CAN be brave and walk. we'll have to. yes it's still terrifying after being mugged and harrassed multiple times, but we'll pray as we jog on over. it's not like we have any other options anyway.
Oh, and choir practice was nice too. It was immediately after church and everybody was there, which is rare but really sweet, with everyone together.
No food trouble when we got home, thank God. We're all on
amazingly better terms with the ED nousfoni; they OPENLY talk to us now, letting us know their needs and wants and fears and impulses. We're teaching them proper behavior and healthy habits, without invalidating or ignoring their struggles. Like there's one girl who
keeps looking for the Sun Chips and Xenophon keeps having to tell her "you're making my
dad eat those, please be careful" and that nousfoni is
learning to be so careful. We'll still give her a couple chips, of course-- we actually consider them "free calories" so no one freaks out over "ruining the macros," and because Lord knows we can use a few extra calories since we
are still technically in anorexia recovery.
We're running very low on food, but we don't get food stamps until tomorrow and we still don't have a car. We're debating catching a bus to the grocery store if we get out of the doctor on time-- the schedule is very limited and time-specific, and since we can't eat
before the appointment, if we have to wait for a bus then we won't. we'll make do with what we have and we'll wait until sunday, when we
will most likely have a car, as we have to cantor BOTH masses. we really do love singing for church.
we listened to spotify for a bit this evening after dinner, trying to clean up our general "music discovery" playlists by consolidating everything we could and checking out multiple artists in the attempt to find something new and nice. no real luck, but there was a handful of songs we saved to revisit later when our head feels better. music is very important to us, as it is to many people, and we treat it very seriously. can't be careless with our auditory exposure.
and, um. *cough* GUESS WHO HAS A PLACEHOLDER PLAYLIST ALREADY
there is
one song in there because i kept looping it last night while researching him. an odd pick but i kind of like it suddenly being associated with him of all people. "
black dog" by metronomy. a bittersweet beautiful song with an unexpected name. and it's throwing off the entire genre expectation for him, haha. but it's... fitting, considering this morning threw off a
lot in a similar way. the whole song feels like a sudden sign of something oddly lovely that doesn't make sense, not yet, but it's
there. still. point is, boy's got a songbank gearin' up. good lord i'm
asking for trouble at this point, haha.
but even so. it's only because i'm being honest at every turn. it's been a long time since i just... refused to smother anything like this. i miss it.
god bless creepy octopi, let me tell you
we also started at least two, maybe three entries here concerning bible study notes? we've been very struck by some verses lately, notably in a convicting sense, highlighting things we really need to deal with spiritually. nevertheless it's never negative; even when it's a legit "hey kiddo here's where you're screwing up big time" it's always delivered with genuine compassion. which is
exactly what is being discussed in job 36, which we started today.
"...If righteous people are bound in chains and tangled in ropes of misery, He tells them what they've done wrong and that they've behaved arrogantly. He makes them listen to His warning and orders them to turn away from wrong." Job 36:8-10 GNT. it's a beautiful aching truth that we want to remember always. it's the story of our life really, thanks be to God, He never abandons us. ever.
okay, our brain is still so discombobulated and it's 1:30am and we have to be up at 10am at the
latest in order to get ready for the doctor and run over in time. so we have to call it quits now so we can get at least 8 hours of sleep in.
sorry for the disjointed entry and lack of refinement in other entries. no time, no capacity.
see you kids tomorrow.