120722

all right. quick update before we sleep because we haven't been updating, and we apologize for that, but life has been tumultuous lately and we had neither the strength nor mental capacity to update.

so. last update was NOVEMBER FRICKIN' 30TH. How the heck have we gone that long without an update??
Anyway. Let me see if I can give you kids a generalized summary of what happened since then.

Actually, no, I'm gonna post these all ON THE DAYS THEY BELONG. It's cleaner that way. So mind the gap, haha. I'll fix it all up over the next few days; today's goal is to just get as much written as possible before sleep.

...Okay, everything is moved. It's now 00:32, haha. Two hours of typing and we're still not done! But that's good. I miss this, so much.

As for today. Let me get rough data down to fix up tomorrow.

...We had a really, really bad night last night. We woke up with a splitting headache and heavy fatigue, a shaky body and nausea. But we had to get up. I remember the alarm going off for like 9:45 ("Song of the Ancients: Fate") and just lying there and listening to it play through a full time before getting out of bed.
...Last night's dream was subtly disturbing. We've been having a lot of "flat nightmares" lately, and that was no exception. I weirdly felt like it needed its own entry, apparently, because as we were having breakfast I posted a placeholder entry to type about the "symbolism" of it? So I'll do that later. Suffice to say it was more subconscious traumadumping. NO HACKS though, thank God, although there WERE threats. But... we're learning to RESIST in dreams??? Not sure how or why, because that is sudden and unprecedented, but THANK GOD. Maybe it's simply a result of becoming more aware of who I AM lately, within the SYSTEM, not "of the world." I don't belong out there, and never did, and never will.

...

Breakfast was at 11:00, but we had spent an hour prior DOING THREE LOADS OF LAUNDRY. We were super lucky because only one of the four washers downstairs was being used, and the fourth one was still flooded (it's been months), so we had two washers to do the colors-- one all red, one blacks & greens-- and yes, that is basically our wardrobe-- while we prepped breakfast. It took almost exactly as long as the wash, so we put 'em in the dryer and tossed the whites in the washer and then went upstairs to eat. That worked out too-- we had half our meal before it was time to dry the whites, and then finished & cleaned up in time for the clothes to be done too. It was just... elegantly timed, today. It was really nice.
We had more egg trouble with breakfast, though. That indigo-ish crying girl-- who DOES resonate with the "Jessica" name-- keeps falling into existential self-loathing frightened meltdowns when she's trying to peel an egg and it "hurts the egg." Like she takes it as a sign from God that she's "abusive" and "damages everything she touches." Again, Xenophon and Laurie had to calm her down, and I think Lynne also stepped in? 
Spice was around to manage the spicing process, which IS legit her original function-- old binge-voices used to love to make things "utterly inedible" by drowning them in cayenne pepper and cinnamon and stuff. So Spice makes VERY SURE that DOESN'T happen now.
We tried Infi's tea! It's WONDERFUL.

Lunch-- or honestly, dinner at this point-- was at 18:33. Not too bad. We cut down on the carrots (we were suspecting hyperkalemia, with how sick we still felt) and also cut OUT the avocado, because we get some sort of minor skin-irritation reaction from them? Not sure what that's about, but it keeps happening.
We also had Xenophon's favorite yogurt (orange creme-- she likes citrusy stuff apparently? she likes the lemon too) and an entire 1.5 servings of sunchips, haha. Honestly it was a gift of love for that one nousfoni who keeps wanting to snack on them, but who-- over the past few days, thanks to our constant patient compassionate working with her-- is LEARNING to SAY NO to compulsions!! So we let her have them as part of a real meal, which is normalized healthy eating and a HUGE step forwards in our real recovery process.

After eating I meant to wash up & do Leaguework, but I got distracted by the Internet? Apparently there is STILL a D.I.D./ multiplicity community on Tumblr, and I admittedly spent a full hour just browsing through some blogs, my heart aching with the memory of what it was like to live fulltime in PUBLIC as a System online. I really do miss that, the focus and the communication and the getting to know each other. Getting to know US, as "us."

I decided not to do Leaguework tonight, as it's actually better to do during the day-- System stuff is at night. So I hopped on over to this laptop and here we are!

Oh, one BIG event of the day was MISSING MASS, because of NOT HAVING ANY TRANSPORTATION. And by golly we TRIED. We spent an ENTIRE 40 MINUTES calling all our family members, ALL the church folks whose numbers we had, a taxi, THREE Lyfts, and every other person we could contact in this apartment building. NO ONE HAD A CAR. It was insane.
...I don't know how we didn't have a religious meltdown immediately upon re-entering our apartment, OR a binge-purge as self-abuse. What the heck did we do to PREVENT that?
Actually I KNOW we sat down on the bike, put on the League Music playlist, and biked for 30 minutes before it was time to eat. But that was from 5:40 to 6:10! What did we do from 4pm on?
Regardless, we only biked for a half hour because our body was SO SICK. We were getting heavy nausea and heart palpitations and we were so weak and the room was spinning, we thought we were going to puke and pass out. Considering that only a few days ago we did a FULL HOUR of biking on MAX RESISTANCE, this was shocking. Probably our poor body is still in shock from the three solid days of eating disorder trouble, though. So we didn't push it. We put the resistance down and went slow, and stopped at 100k burned. But we got our legs moving, and that was good.

Another big event of the day was LEAGUEWORK!! I know we did that after breakfast, right up until 3pm when we started the church-calling efforts. I don't know what inspired it, but gosh I am SO GLAD IT HAPPENED. We were semi-mourning last night over the fact that our life and psyche seem to be inevitably split between the System and the League?? Like we first realized that in 2004, when we "put our Links on hold" in order to tend to Delphoiesis's nascence, and in doing so we couldn't reach Ryou or Marik. It TERRIFIED us back then, to recognize that break in our mental function AND sense of self-- that we could ONLY be in the League OR out of it. "Blurring" those lines would destroy the integrity of both, which was HORRIFYINGLY PROVEN during the NC catastrophe in 2017-2018. Still, in the beginning, I remember sitting on my great-aunt's guestroom bed with our little paint-cover journal and hugging our Mewtwo plushie and having a legit existential crisis. What was I going to do? I couldn't abandon "my three," but I couldn't abandon the Moralimon either. Back then-- heck, for most of my life-- I didn't realize that I could work two jobs, as it were. Dayshift and nightshift. One day here, one day there. I'm still getting the hang of it now. But it's so difficult because the mental shift is ABSOLUTE. There is NO ALLOWED BLEEDOVER.
...Except with Chaos 0.
He is SUCH a wildcard in everything. He's the FIRST OUTSPACER who was ABLE to exist in BOTH the Spectrum and the League, because of his close connection to me, the Jewel of both. Yes, all the Outspacers are learning how to live in the League, too-- and honestly it is BEAUTIFUL; I think the League was waiting for them, because some Worlds have been in STASIS for YEARS until they entered them and brought new life to them so wonderfully-- but Chaos 0 didn't have to try. He just... it was like, if I was there, then he could be, too. And you know what? I think Laurie has the potential for that as well. It's not too surprising, considering how close she is to me, in her own right.

But yeah, I'm... inspired to work on the music of the League all of a sudden? I think I have my brother Mike and all his anime & DAW talk to thank, haha. It really lit a fire in me again, to be as fearlessly creative and prolific as I used to be, back when I wasn't "performing for an audience" or "trying to get a grade." I was just dreaming, BEING MYSELF, and letting this gift of God manifest itself through the words and sounds and pictures that would pour out of my soul and onto paper & screens. I miss that. It's a key part of my heart-- it IS who I am as Jewel Lightraye, that Klonoa-haired dreamjumper I will always be in the core of my existence. Yes, I will always have multiple names and faces; that's what it means to be a System Cor(e). But... I'm also a Jewel. And THAT'S the oldest identity I have. That's never going to change.
So... knowing that I can, and MUST, be "both," is... the most reassuring and gorgeous thing I can imagine, right now. I feel complete, that way. Like I CAN be who God intended me to be, at last, when I'm not rejecting or denying or suppressing the other part of my soul. It's been too long.

...

(continue)