UPMC journal 092522

post-breakfast//

Cheese omelet, english muffin, cream cheese, applesauce, OJ, soymilk, cinnamon tea, 2 ketchup, 2 salt, 3 pepper, 2 creamer

CHEESE OMELET)
IS A FEAR FOOD AGAIN, due to the recent binge-cycle & its associations with S&V. it USED to be tied to CNC memories too, but only TRIGGERED sometimes, as TBAS cooked them differently. Still, the concept was tainted. AND YET... there are STILL POWERFUL POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS with BOTH Mom & Dad-- the latter giving us some in the CAMPER? That MIGHT just be an "egg texture + cheese" trigger with vacation on-the-road breakfasts, but that's APPLICABLE and so ENTIRELY RELEVANT. And THAT gives us SO MUCH HOPE for healing-- the STRONGEST roots were BASE SENSORY DATA and NOT just presentation; AND the "change" in fear/ healed status RAPIDLY, BOTH ways, PROVES the inherent "harmless neutrality" of ALL foods, AND the unchangeable ability TO BE HEALED from ANY distortion, from BOTH acknowledgement OF that fact (to restore a neutral "rest & relief" status) AND POSITIVE RE-ASSOCIATION!!! BAD MEMORIES CAN BE STRIPPED OF THEIR STOLEN POWER AND OVERRIDDEN BY REPEATEDLY STRENGTHENING A NEW POSITIVE ANCHOR ASSOCIATION!!! Such re-association MUST be done BOTH mentally AND experientially-- IN THAT ORDER!! Experience data hits HARD & sticks like glue, BUT it sticks TO WHAT'S INSIDE!!! So we need to consciously & determinedly lay a GOOD FOUNDATION FIRST for it TO stick to & rebuild upon!
✳ SO. Realtime application: FIRST, FIND AND/OR CREATE POSITIVE ASSOCIATIONS for that fear/ trigger food, and FOCUS ON THEM WITH A PRAYERFUL, TRUSTING, FAITHFUL HEART! "Forcing," "pushing" or otherwise controlling/ worrying/ obsessing WILL BACKFIRE!!! Gently but strongly think positive thoughts about it. USE THE SPECTRUM AND THE LEAGUE FOR HELP!!! Then, once we have laid that new & good foundation INSIDE, we can start anchoring it in OUTSIDE by finally re-eating the food. THEN we can fix its associations BY CONSCIOUSLY OVERRIDING any negative/ trauma triggers IN REALTIME, WITHOUT DENYING them-- there's a difference! They had their reason for being there, but it was based on ABUSE, FEAR, & FALSEHOOD-- ALL OF WHICH MELT AWAY IN THE PEACE OF CHRIST!!! THAT IS OUR ULTIMATE UNDERLYING GOAL IN ALL OUR EFFORTS: TO LIVE THE PURE, ORDERLY, HOLY LIFE CHRIST REDEEMED US TO BE.
★ WE HAVE TWO PERFECT "GOOD" ASSOCIATIONS ALREADY: KING DAVID VS GOLIATH, & PROFESSORS SADA & TURO. I'm serious!!! We suddenly realized that the breakfast omelet tasted IDENTICAL to the frozen ones at ShopRite, which we were eating DURING our fast readthrough of the Books of Judges & 1 Kings! (So Joshua & the Battle of Jericho are tied to it, too; that feels oddly fitting)
+ Sada/ Turo = CROSS in eternity; UNITE past/ future in ETERNAL NOW 
+ they eat omelets together, it's adorable

+ cream cheese scary in concept, BUT we LIKE it?? Kitchen vibe, specifically grandma! why so? no specific memory. Was that her breakfast, way back?
+ english muffin PERFECT. problem = "wiped up salt/ pepper" with it. DON'T. eat it plain & nicely! we REALLY enjoy them literally as-is. also ASTRA!
+ OJ not so scary? thoughts of grandma, & POWERFUL childhood vibe; indistinct memory. fear is physiological, not emotional. (acid sickness)
+ applesauce same as OJ. remember buying TONS for grandma when she couldn't chew anymore; huge act of love. remember SHE WAS TOUCHED. ♥ overcome "compulsive dislike" = old folks & babies CAN enjoy apples ONLY this way, gentle & sweet, and they are SO GRATEFUL. the feelings of "humiliation" we get from applesauce turn into HUMILITY, THROUGH EMPATHY & LOVE; COMMUNION with those people, feeling & sharing their gratitude.
+ CINNAMON TEA IS GORGEOUS. tastes like Christmas cinnamon!! With creamer it is SO LOVELY. do have it more often.
+ ketchup is GROSS on omelets, haha! don't need/ like the s&p either! this meal is BEST when eaten PERFECTLY PLAIN.
✳ DON'T GO "TOXIC COMPLETIONIST" & EMPTY CONDIMENTS ONTO PLATE/ FEEL "OBLIGATED" TO USE ENTIRE PACKET. NO. TRY PART of one first, and if it's disgusting in that context, SET IT ASIDE & LEAVE IT ALONE. Don't BE gross OR DISORDERED!!



post-lunch//

+ paranoia about food order "morality"; thought Jesus told us to eat the turkey & cranapple juice first, but when we asked again the answer pushed the GRAPE, and we were pushed NOT to mix that with turkey, so WE chose to eat the green beans first, & felt like we had just eaten the forbidden fruit. TOTAL PANIC & MORAL TERROR. dissociated HARD & began to rush. Couldn't "tune in" to Jesus because of tormented conscience, so LAURIE talked us down, assuring us that meals were NOT a matter of morality. the goal is NOT to panic & obsess over them like this!! JESUS WANTS US TO BE FREE, free to CHOOSE the good/ proper/ healthy/ loving/ merciful/ gentle option, NOT slavery to rigid, judgmental, fearful, compulsive, unmerciful "obligations." (He said, about our choice, "I make all things work together unto Good")
+ turkey taste like dark meat chicken. thought of Jade as a kid, affectionately. TASTE IS TRIGGERING though; makes us feel "naked." too much fleshiness to it? disturbed & upset. YET remember "axe cop" pure-hearted thanksgiving turkey!! eating meat ALSO gives us moral panic & dread (TBAS "carnivore/ cannibal" obsessions), so PLEASE, remember GOD GAVE YOU THIS LIFE FOR LIFE, IN SACRIFICIAL LOVE-- like OT offerings, it's a reflection & reminder of Christ's ultimate Self-giving to feed US!! But yes, this needs SO MUCH HEALING.
★ Plus, Thanksgiving memories are STILL blocked-off; I think THAT is motivating the "compulsive dislike"-- it's a PROTECTIVE INSTINCT! So we're "not sure" if we like the stuffing "or not" in truth, either; also the taste data for both WON'T CLICK OR STICK. We'll have to look into it. The ONLY shock was the sudden CRANBERRY trigger from the juice, adjacent TO those-- LEGIT PANIC. So THAT context hit says a LOT!!
+ dinner rolls are still perfect!



miscellaneous notes//

★ Mom & strawberry Poptart fear: "Try it! You don't know how GOOD it might be until you do." I LEGIT NEVER CONSIDERED THAT PERSPECTIVE. Remember that!! "You SEE what you LOOK for!!"

✳ TWO massive trauma-music flashback hells today. Q AND OV.
HOW DO WE COPE WITH THAT??
+ "too much empathy" curse, from 2007-- "I'm not happy if You're not happy"; loss of self; no boundaries; other's emotions become our reality. and then we CANNOT help them as we've become empty mirrors/ amplifiers. EXACTLY what happened yesterday.
+ judging "judgmental" comments that DIDN'T EXIST; I was assuming! shameful, feel awful. "I won't listen because I don't want TO judge, and they ARE." actually they WEREN'T. my brain just does that itself compulsively. humbling/ humiliating. grateful to see this sin exposed. practice compassion & acceptance of REALITY; no labeling!!
✳ song trigger made me dissociate hard & not taste anything & rush, although it was a fave today. trigger made me think "I don't like this meal." UNTRUE!!! why such a reaction?? so angry at "loss" of enjoyment. felt hollowed out.
✳ relived CNC terror for a solid hour after. CONSTANT HELPLESS DREAD. no control, no help. TBAS cut me off from faith & family, & usurped my free will. made me live FOR them. I wanted to die. SO MANY MEMORIES saturated with existential horror. the nightfall was hell; really sank in. mornings similar--self destructive performance. totally blacked out. cannot even look at that room in memory. horrified at SEEING JUST HOW CATASTROPHIC the eating disorder was then. living hell. BUT!!!! it was ALSO SOLIDLY OUR ONLY COPING/ "SURVIVAL" MECHANISM. Bizarrely, maybe because of that desperate function, IT didn't seem to form trigger foods??? but TBAS DID, even "casually." I think EVERY SINGLE FOOD we shared with them ultimately became a trigger BECAUSE of that constant underlying HORROR/ DREAD/ LOSS/ DESPAIR/ etc. that I denied/ buried. God HELP ME TO TRULY, TOTALLY FORGIVE whatever is perpetuating this bitter regret. I do still love them, but... I'm also still scared to death of all my memories of them.
✳ remember we ALSO have trauma specific to ALTERS OF THEIRS!! That trauma is MUCH sharper & scarier... Hence why that song shook us up SO BADLY. We haven't faced ANY of it yet.