aug 2020 religious notes from phone

Confessing to Saint John Vianney, sad about my eating disorder = he said that when you're sick, you don't have an appetite, but you MUST eat healthy to get better, even just tiny bits. My soul is sick, and I MUST eat spiritual food, but START SMALL until my health and appetite improve. This is okay.

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080720=

Jesus during Adoration: "Come to me even when you're scared of me, when you're afraid that I don't love you anymore, that I have abandoned you. Come to me then, especially then! And you will find that I still love you, that I am always there waiting for you with love and open arms ready to recieve you! Come to me when you are afraid, and I shall remove all your fears!"

Adore with your HEART, not just your eyes

"Who can teach me to adore, but the One Who alone is worthy of all adoration?"

The Bread of Life is not given to those who hesitate or doubt


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"Let us ACKNOWLEDGE OUR SINS and SO PREPARE OURSELVES TO RECEIVE THESE SACRED MYSTERIES" = this humility, contrition, brutal self-denying honesty, mournful sorrow, and firm purpose of amendment and repentance is REQUIRED in order to even BEGIN sacred participation!!! We are NOT God, we are not even holy; we do NOT merit or deserve this privilege; we have NO claim to it. ANY AND EVERY GRACE WE HAVE IS FROM CHRIST. Without Him intercepting for us, we are literally out in the darkness.

This is in DIRECT OPPOSITION TO NEW AGE "SPIRITUALITY", which deifies the self to the point of practically claiming ENTITLEMENT to sacred things!!! Not only that, but "progressives" have virtually NO CONCEPTION OF SIN. They justify and hand-wave all evil as "understandable" or otherwise "permissible under the circumstances" BUT only if it benefits them!! There is great hypocrisy at work, and therefore NO TRUE MERCY OR FORGIVENESS, because those virtues REQUIRE THE HUMBLE ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF GENUINE WRONG. Jesus died for us BECAUSE WE WERE HORRID SINNERS and participation in His Atonement REQUIRES OUR ADMITTING AND ACCEPTING that painful truth IN CONTRITE HUMILITY, NOT PRIDE!!!!

Newage folks love to corrupt 1 John 4:7-8, too, forgetting that those verses are FULFILLED IN VERSES 9 AND 10: "This is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."

ALL DISCERNMENT OF LOVE MUST USE THIS AS THE UNFLINCHING STANDARD!!!

ALL TRUE LOVE SONGS are a reflection OF God's Love, ESPECIALLY in the Eucharist!!! (This could be a Very good way of discerning and meditating ON His Love?)

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Original sin

God has knowledge of good and evil WITHOUT DOING EVIL. But mankind has knowledge of evil THROUGH DOING EVIL. The devil trapped Adsm with this: when Adam learned that his disobedience was evil, HE HAD ALREADY DISOBEYED. Indeed, his knowledge came THROUGH disobedience, tainting it further.

"With great power comes great responsibility" = "you will be like GODS" = Divinity is OBLIGATED to DO GOOD because that is the NATURE OF DIVINITY. But man is not divine! Giving him divine knowledge of morality effectively DAMNED HIM FROM THE START as he was by himself TOTALLY INCAPABLE OF LIVING UP TO THE DIVINE STANDARD.

The Law of Moses: you can't forbid someone from doing something they are incapable of. The Law highlights our total depraved potential. "Never say never"; to claim otherwise is to tempt the devil.


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The devil uses DESPAIR to FUEL SENSUALITY-- "since you'll never get to heaven, you might as well experience it here"! IT'S A LIE.
 

God can save ANYONE as long as they have even the tiniest hope in His mercy, And heaven IS GOD. The shit that the devil tries to pass off as "heavenly" according to ANY of the five senses are ALL INHERENTLY EMPTY AND ALL ULTIMATELY END IN HELL ON EARTH.
I know this. God have mercy on my soul I know this from experience and I NEVER want to experience any of those things ever again. I get the shakes just thinking about the possibility.

Romans 3:21-22 and righteousness by faith; it hit CLEAR today so write it down.

(Basically, NO ONE can keep the whole Law, especially not a wretch like me. If our righteousness depended on that we'd ALL be sunk. But we're so afraid to admit this. That's where pride comes in with perfectionism and "virtue signaling." We want so badly TO be good, that admitting that we objectively CANNOT BE on our own is UNBEARABLE. But THAT'S WHERE JESUS COMES TO THE RESCUE. He offers Himself IN OUR PLACE as BOTH the victim for forgiveness of sins, AND as the victor over sin through perfect obedience. He can ONLY do EITHER of these things BECAUSE HE IS BOTH FULLY HUMAN AND FULLY DIVINE. And all we have to do to "apply" that to our unbearable need is to HAVE FAITH IN HIM. But what does that mean, truly? It isn't just acknowledgement of a fact, or recognition of an event. Faith is TRUST, on a deeply personal level, and it requires TOTAL HELPLESS HUMILITY to truly happen. You CANNOT have faith in Christ, cannot trust in His total efficacy to both redeem and restore you, UNLESS YOU TOTALLY AND TRULY ADMIT YOUR UTTER INABILITY TO DO EITHER.

Long story short: good works are only surface-level "righteous;" your heart can still be corrupt and therefore will nullify any merit. If your heart is sincere but you still screw up, God sees your motives but you STILL cannot do a "perfect good." But how do we get a truly good heart motive AND a truly good work done by it? THROUGH FAITH IN CHRIST. Honestly. If we have faith in Jesus we MUST LOVE HIM, and if we love Him then we serve Him, we WANT to do good things FOR Him BECAUSE we love Him... BUT we recognize that ONLY GOD IS GOOD and so we OFFER UP OUR WORKS TO HIM AND FOR HIM AND HE WILL PERFECT THEM IN HIS OWN WAY & TIME. We therefore must ABANDON ALL ATTACHMENTS TO OUTCOMES & DETAILS because we no longer have any personal gain or interest in the work-- it is ALL FOR GOD.

I hope that makes some sense; I feel like I "got it" more clearly on a soul level but it's hard to articulate.

God is love, love is selfless and self-giving, love seeks the highest good of others without counting the cost, etc. Christ exemplifies that. Read the Beatitudes-- He is preaching HOW HE HIMSELF LIVES. He teaches also BY EXAMPLE. THAT is good works, what He did-- pure love for love's sake, for the glory of God. And when we have faith, and surrender to His Mercy, the Holy Spirit moves in us and HE guides us to imitate Christ, to live like the One we love. So it's not about achieving, or striving, or points or prestige or even praise. It's just about God, and charity. It's good. But it's only POSSIBLE because CHRIST LOVED US FIRST and ENABLED this THROUGH Himself. So faith in Him is necessary TO do good in earnest because we need HIS Spirit to do so, the Trinity works THROUGH us but we must LET THEM IN first, and be TOTALLY SURRENDERED to Them, and Christ is the Way. He is the example, the directions, the means, and the end. Etc.

Man I just love being Catholic though, pondering things like this. Blessed be God forever.

 

("But now we can know how to become right with God. God has shown us the way that He will accept people as right with Himself. This way is not part of the Laws that he gave to Moses. But God's Laws and the messages of his prophets have told us about it. God accepts people as right with Himself because Jesus Christ did what God wanted. God accepts every person who believes in Christ. It is the same way for everyone, whether they are Jews or Gentiles."

Ro 3:21‭-‬22 EASY)

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Psalms 79-80-81= God will not heal us until we are distinguishable from the ungodly who are suffering the just consequences of their sins!

The prerequisite for ALL of God's interventions of mercy is a RETURN TO HIM WITH OUR ENTIRE HEART.

"Give us this day our daily bread" + "open wide your mouth and I will fill it" = How can we properly respond to this in humble surrender TODAY, in this age of packaged food and big box stores and artificially induced poverty?
We can't just sit back and expect God to do our shopping, or deliver groceries to our door. There is ALWAYS a key element of FREE WILL, which ENABLES FOR HOLY COOPERATION WITH GOD'S WILL.

However the FIRST STEP is ALWAYS PRAYER. This is where the humility and surrender come in.

We must follow up with action, yes, but if we pray before AND during those actions, WE WILL BE GUIDED BY GOD, while preserving our free will, to obey in love-- or doubt and disobey and rebel. God will not make us robots.

I keep thinking I need to do HUGE THINGS in order to become a saint, like opening a food pantry or starting a convent or writing a hundred holy books, something similar. But SAINTHOOD ISN'T ABOUT WORKS!!! IT'S ABOUT THE LOVE OF GOD!!!

"The bread that I shall give is my flesh for the life of the world" = literal BUT IN A DEEPER SENSE TOO!! It's NOT a metaphor or symbol; it is simply a deeper truer reality than the uninspired mind can grasp.

⭐What does it mean, for a SOUL to "feed upon" something? It's NOT destructive,

"LORD, let Your Face shine upon us" = what exactly IS His "Face?" It's not literal, as God is not tangible, and although Jesus Christ IS His Face, how can His Face shine on us now, after His Ascension? This is a question meant to OPEN our hearts to see Him MORE, not to start a useless debate or analysis. Our hearts KNOW Him and recognize Him, but by asking and answering in humble earnesty, we find DEEPER answers, and grasp more of His Truth.

⭐SYSTEM COREGROUP LOVE: Unity of kinds of love for Him! To love Him with our strength, we DO THINGS with our hands to serve Him; to love Him with our minds, we THINK UPON HIM and His Word;

We can only have FAITH in God's NATURE and PROMISES. Everything else is HOPE.

⭐Does MARY primarily respond to our hopes???

⭐TALKING TO MARY about the "ingrate" thing w/ Saint Bridget: "Thats a harsh word." "Of course it is! Its a harsh truth!"

"But she didn't ask for help" = several responses.

Notably: "I love her as my daughter in Christ; I can't help but help her! As long as it would not conflict the Will of God, I will always do everything in my power to assist my children, whether they ask me to or not. Sometimes a child is too proud or ignorant to ask for help from their mother, but if she does not help them, they will suffer great injury or die. As your mother, I cannot neglect any of you in such circumstances, nor would I ever wish to neglect you.  It us my heart's great joy to take care of you and bring you ever closer to my Son, Jesus Christ. "

Also, about the original hagiographic circumstances:

-In her heart she yearned for help secretly regardless

-Pride doesn't ask for help, but love doesn't wait TO be asked

-Mary doesn't demand gratitude; instead, a grateful heart is a MANDATE OF GOD.

-To NOT be grateful for help, ANY help, is to be CLOSED to gratitude, therefore MAKING one an "ingrate" as you have DECIDED to be incapable of gratitude!

-You become one the instant you start talking about "permission" and "consent" and "manipulation" in response to an unasked-for act of charity

Pulpit Bible Commentary calling worldliness a "blight of unreality" = SHOCKINGLY TRUE. Only God is Real!! All else is temporary, a passing illusion of the times. Sacred time will erode it, reduce it to the nothingness that birthed it. Therefore we Christians should be forever rejoicing! For we have been REBORN, having died to the dead, and now living in the One Who Lives!! We are the freest of the free! We must have nothing to do with this magic-trick of a world imposed upon God's Creation, this satanic game of culture, of fun and fame and fashion and food-- all of it folly, all of it fleeting, all of it foolish and doomed to dust!

For a Christian to return to the world is like... a poor and wretched orphan, having been freely adopted into boundless riches and love, still sneaking out of the mansion at night to eat out of the filthy city dumpsters. WHY.


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I keep fearing that God's Mercy is going to run out on me-- that He's going to finally and justly refuse my stupid pleas.

But He doesn't.

He keeps giving me so much mercy. It blows my mind. It makes me weep. It makes my soul tremble with fearful love.
God is so good. God is so good, even to a wretched mess of a sinner like me.

I must live up to this. I can't, honestly. No human can. But the effort is vital for my soul.


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I am not entitled to anything but ETERNAL PUNISHMENT FOR SIN. Everything else is mercy.

Where did this entitlement thing originate?? I know the hedonistic hell of NC exacerbated it, but how did it start? Is it even possible to pinpoint?

The "entitlement" mindset says things like "I deserve to enjoy life!" "I deserve to take a break from caring for others!" It's all DISGUSTING, TERRIFYINGLY SELFISH ARROGANT INSISTENCE, and it is ALWAYS entirely focused on SELF WORSHIP. This mindset WILL NEVER consider spiritual & religious things. It is TOTALLY CARNAL and therefore SATANIC.

I deserve nothing but punishment, for what I've done, and continue tragically to do. EVERYTHING else is mercy. Every good thing is grace. It's all a gift. God owes us nothing. Yet, He loves us wretched things.

That's a far more beautiful, pure, moving TRUTH than the disgusting lie of "deserving" everything.

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080120

Need to let my inner fervor of faith show in the physical, instead of suppressing it for unknown reasons.

Reading about saint Andrew, his zeal for evangelization. Why am I not doing this? Why am I not sharing the Gospel with my brothers?? Honestly I'm "nervous" to. "How would I do it?" Afraid of not knowing HOW to lead others to Christ HONORABLY. I think my life right now is too DISHONORABLE for me to have any merit in preaching. This is quenching my fervor and it is VERY BAD.

I need God's help to change. My lone efforts fail forever because the nature of sin in a sinful world is ENDLESS. The devil will ALWAYS find a new curse, a new trap, a new addiction. The ONLY WAY OUT is a hard stop, complete and total, no looking back-- a headfirst dive into God. Because if living in sin is hell, the ONLY escape IS CHRIST-- the Presence of God Who harrowed hell itself!! Sin CANNOT EXIST in His Presence! He is our SOLE SAFETY AND REFUGE.

I have SO MUCH LOVE FOR GOD in my heart all the time, it's like a brilliant flame, it feels expansive but not slow or heavy. Its quick and bright and alive and fervent and ardent and weeping with joy. It wants to get moving Right Now to put that love into ACTION. And THAT'S HOW I WANT TO LIVE!!! I MUST!

I'm reading about the Apostles and I just LOVE them all, and I cant wait to meet them in heaven and praise God together, BUT. now a sudden shame and unworthiness appears and SMOTHERS that loving flame. It's a horrid feeling, a literal death-chill. I hate it; I must battle it daily. But it's such a convincing liar. Is it? I AM ugly and sinful and unworthy of love. BUT. Jesus died for me even when I was ACTIVELY living a HERETICAL lifestyle. Jesus loved me EVEN THEN SO HE COULD SAVE ME. So now, in my struggle to do better for Him, why would He not love me? The devil lies. Yes I am unworthy and ugly but I STILL LOVE GOD AND HE STILL LOVES ME AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS. Unworthiness has nothing to do with acting on love. We're ALL unworthy of it. Love pours Himself out anyway.

⭐Eating food is FATAL to my spiritual state. This terrifies me. Certain foods even make me more prone to hearing demonic voices. Food in general is a scary thing. I want to fast SO BADLY, but my body is malnourished, so starving myself makes it SCREAM for food. I fight it, but then I start to faint, go numb, etc. But meals are a bottomless pit into hell. Eating is an Unending struggle.

I want to scream and sob because I TRIED to be "a good and normal unafraid girl" today and I shared lunch with grandma at the hospital, which was fish, pierogies, and jello. And I IMMEDIATELY felt like I was in hell. My mind clouded and darkened, I began to dissociate and act dishonestly and unconsciously, and a MASSIVE panic attack hit. To top it all off, my stomach INSTANTLY rebelled, and I ran to the bathroom to vomit. I wanted to cry. I am SO SICK of the poison of food. So now I'm eating carrots and salad BUT I had a hard-boiled egg and now my eyes are burning and my chest is itching and my vision is getting puffy so I might have to take Benadryl too. God WHY. My poor gut is BEGGING me to vomit up the poison so I can be clean and safe and empty but I CAN'T because the water here is non-potable and I can't leave until 3 anyway. God help me.

So my stomach is a disaster. Which means I can't receive Holy Communion today because there's too high of a regurgitation risk.

Food can all go to hell. I'm sick of it sending me there.

Honestly I'm going to have to try and purge as soon as I get home. I don't plan on sleeping. I can't sleep if I'm this ill anyway.

God help me I'm so tired of this.

...Maybe I CAN receive. If I purge before Church, then eat cucumbers when I get home, I can keep that down. We'll see. I can't bear the thought of not receiving. I'd rather die.