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We haven't been updating lately, and we apologize.

Part of it is the daily schedule. Typically, we don't get to bed until at least 2am when Oliver is off work, as we stay up late and talk and watch TV or just let people front and love, love love. Sometimes we don't get to sleep until 6. And when Oliver does work, like tonight, we stay up alone until he comes home at 7 and then we just sleep through the morning until like 3pm. So if we don't type at night, like now, we don't get to-- we're too busy, too wrapped up in life and love, to sit at a computer for hours.
Our laptop doesn't have internet access, so we've been using theirs. It's a huge gesture of trust, one we deeply appreciate and are clearly aware of every single time we use it. We can and do type on ours, but updating only happens here-- or through our phone, for dream journal entries and emergency mobile updates and little thoughts.
Lately, though, we've been so caught up in daily life that we've been "forgetting" to take notes ON the day, and forgetting. We watched the entirety of Sense8, we started playing Baten Kaitos, we talked to Hiccup and Kris and OWEN and Kyo, we wandered through the school at band practice, we drove to the bank and we drove to the Sunrise diner and we drove to sacred beloved secret Taproot. We read more of our library books and we browsed through Tumblr and we finished backing up our Spotify library. We made a Twitter and a Facebook, we spoke to our grandfather and we heard from our therapist and we emailed our little brother. We planned a tentative financial budget and we walked through trauma memories. We communicated and we made mistakes and we were brave and daring and foolish and hopeful and scared and worried and full of love. We hurt and we healed. We messed up and tried again. We lived. We are living.
Right now, we don't have the spoons to type any recap entries on specific days. That sort of memory scouring is rather exhausting. Abstract entries like this, thoughtdumps, are relaxing and cathartic and honest and need to happen just as much as data logs do.

We stayed up all last night finishing uploading the 2010 archives and starting 2011. Having to go through that time period, watching Cannon and Jayce steadily deteriorate from depression and trauma and shock and regret and fear and rage and betrayal and despair, winding down to that horrible suicide attempt in October, a few weeks away from 7 years ago now... having to reread the terrors of SLC and the psych ward and the medication fallout and... and Laurie's suicide attempts, too... it hurt. It ached, and it hurt, and it made us want to weep.
Add that to all the trauma healing we do EVERY single day, and of course our poor soul is exhausted.
There was a lot of communication on that topic this "morning," before we and the Arrows got out of bed. I forget how it started, but we were clarifying verbal communication-- our battered brain is paranoid about the use of certain words and phrases that it previously Only heard in abusive or traumatic situations-- and talking through trust and forgiveness and hope. We're being more honest and open and daring than ever, and it feels amazing, even when it's a rocky road and it hurts and we're terrified of hurting people in the process.
But... that's a truth about love, REAL love, that we've known for a long time.
"I love you... you couldn't hurt me if you tried."

We went to the bank and cashed our SSI check and paid Ollie back for groceries and got some vegetables for today. Then we got home and ate and read library books and OWEN showed up fronting, and we talked to him for a little while about how strange it is to have a body and live in it but how wonderful it is too, in a fragile unique way. We love that kid; we're so glad we got to meet him. Then we went on a run for about 40 minutes, and at someone's behest, stopped at Compare Foods to see what they have (nothing we need) and try a few of the pastries because for whatever reason, someone in our System keeps desperately wanting to "try" such foods. I know it's a family-pleasing panic obligation. But I ALSO trust those nousfoni now, to ONLY get what they need, to be wise about it, to not force what makes them sick. And THAT is a HUGE improvement from even last month. Remember when we first started trying to legit heal this eating disorder outside of the family house? Those poor nousfoni would go through HELL every single day. Yes, we're still struggling with food amounts and timing and not getting trauma or guilt or shame reactions that cause purges, but God knows we do better EVERY day. I mean that. I feel it, and I'm profoundly grateful and joyful about it. So we got a few things and got home and Ollie was sleeping but then he kissed us in that way we miss like our own heart and good Lord. It sets our heart on fire. THAT'S what the original 8 days felt like-- just like those kisses. That sleepy ardor. THAT'S what our love is like. Gosh. If they didn't have to go to work, heaven knows what would have happened, haha.
Oh! And we talked to Kris this morning, as we were lying in bed. Gosh we love him too. I remember him saying how weird it was to look at his hands and see that they weren't mint green. Owen mentioned that, too, how strange it was to have light colored skin. (He said the color of our nails made them look like little seashells; that was so deeply sweet.)
We can't remember too much lately, possibly due to this weird creeping fatigue... but we remember feelings, impressions, vibes. The essences of things. I remember briefly discussing synaesthesia with Oliver as we dried dishes, about tasting colors and seeing sounds and things. I remember the borzoi painting and the feeling of System love and awe Oliver was radiating, and how we felt that too for them. I remember being at the bank and the sweet woman there calling us by our birthname but STILL USING THE RIGHT PRONOUNS, oh my Lord, I didn't even know that COULD happen. That was an absolute GAME CHANGER. I wonder if that will have a deep effect ON our deadname holders??? Geez. Wow. PROBABLY. We'll see.
I remember last night, Oliver saying how the heart is so tied to electricity, and me suddenly realizing that electricity has always inexplicably been LAURIE'S element, and wondering what that says about her.
But tonight... it was a little tricky. Someone did try the pastries, and were both upset that they didn't like 99% of them and deeply relieved that they didn't like 99% of them. We KNOW we don't actually like desserts. They're OK at the start, with deconstructive textures and things, but the heaviness and sweetness makes us very ill very fast. So, what do we do? We get data, we avoid buying it anymore in the physical, and we let hungry scared doubtful nousfoni eat those things INSIDE, where they won't hurt our body or our wallet. And it WORKS! Thank God. Told you we're learning. So today was a success. Now we know even more! And we practiced our ability to say "no, I don't like this personally," "no, I don't want to eat all of that," "no, I don't actually want to buy this," etc. ALSO. We learned that our brain is VERY CONFUSED by that use of negatives. "Don't do this" is literally "do this" with a "don't" stapled on. It's a paradox of words. The BEST way to talk to our brain is to say: "I want to eat small amounts," "I would rather refrain from buying this," "this food is dissonant with our vibe," etc. Avoid using paradox negatives and say things straight. It's tricky and takes some thinking, but it does help our brain, weird as it. But we're tired of "hating" our own brain for being weird. It's how we are, it's how we've always been. We've tried to change it and it hasn't worked. So we accept it, embrace it, love it, work with it compassionately and kindly and carefully. Knowing that the Broken Arrows love and embrace and accept both us and our strange little brain just as sincerely is... amazing. We always hoped someone would be willing to do that in the physical. Thank God that hope came true.

This morning, we tried to sleep on the porch for about an hour before Oliver came home. It's cold out though, now-- colder with the fact that our body is hovering around 104 pounds and we still struggle with panic-purging behavior, both things which make this poor body rather frozen feeling-- but we love that little icy nip in the air, frosty kids that we are, and so we lugged a bunch of blankets out and snuggled up into a fuzzy nest with Chaos Zero's anchor plush and a pair of headphones plugged into our phone, and just watched the sun rise all beautiful as we drifted in and out of sleep. It was pure bliss. We couldn't feel our toes afterwards and our body was SO tired from staying up late and reading trauma memories and not eating well that we could barely walk to get back inside, but being able to cuddle up to Ollie in an attempt to both warm up and doze off was just as blissful. Gosh this new life is so nice. All these perfect little moments are what make life worth living. Even if we still have to worry about adult responsibilities still, like rent and food and bills and legal things, that's just fleeting stuff. It's the business of this life, but when you go out into the woods, or go out under the stars, or go under the water, or under the ground, or fall into a dream, or into a dream creature, if you know what I mean... well, those moments are what matter. Those moments touch eternity, flow right into it, show you what really matters and lasts and continues outside time and inside our hearts. That's what it's worth staying alive for. This body, this little life, allows us to tangibly touch those things, and that's so beautiful and special and good. That's what we have here. Thank God for this.

We listened to a lot of Leonard Cohen last night because WOW WHAT A VOICE. Oh my gosh. It's like... it's a heavy shade, but if it's Green or Blue resonant I can't quite tell yet. Feels like those, could be different. But so many of his song lyrics are AMAZINGLY System relevant. The first one we heard, "You Want It Darker," is 100% resonant with our own Darkspacers, almost shockingly so. "You Got Me Singing," "Come Healing," "On The Level"... so many of them are achingly relevant to us. And he writes lyrics like POETRY, oh my Lord. We HAVE to study them, it's so inspiring.
But yes. Music is so so good. We can't wait to get back into exploring and finding new artists, and writing about them.

We're super tired right now, and oddly sad. I think we're just... upset that we had food trouble this evening. We made a salad and ate it, but then we tried too hard to eat bread and mayonnaise with it and we KNOW mayo makes us sick but "UMPC said we HAD to eat it" and we did get sick and now we're upset. But we have to forgive ourself. The nousfoni that keep forcing that are just trying to do what they were told, and therefore "be good" and obedient and non hurtful to others. But... those people are absent from our current life. They cannot see us here, we are untrackable here. They have moved on from us, they are out of our life. Now,the choices we make are OURS and OURS ALONE. So, we have to obey our own heart. Now, we have the right to DECIDE whether or not WE want mayonnaise or a sandwich or a salad or oatmeal or anything at all right now. And guess what? Every choice you make is valid. It's okay and allowed and good to say NO if that is what you truly feel is healthy and safe and good for you/us! And please, ALWAYS remember that we are a WE. That is the key.
And I hear the socials respond, "I know," with all heartfelt honesty and hurting hope. ...God. Wow. Two weeks ago they'd be screaming and sobbing that they weren't part of "us." Now it's self-evident. Man. We really are growing.
Jason is friendlier and not lying about things in shame and not being selfish. Juniper is still our indomitable failsafe. Briar and Hoban are learning that life is bigger and brighter and broader than the panic and stagnancy they're used to. Joshua is letting go of those heavy self-blame feelings. Even the Jessicas are growing, softening, healing. Cayenne and Axis and Chocoloco are reaching out in compassion more, learning from Infi, helping more than ever now, making the whole System feel more deeply loving and alive.
This is amazing. How in the world did we live without this forward movement of the heart? Thank God we took the chance of coming here. It's worth everything that brought us to this point, every effort and pain and risk and mistake and second chance. It's worth it all, to see how the light in us keeps getting brighter for it.

We haven't been talking inside as much as we want to lately. But we are talking in snippets here and there, it never stops.
The other night, two nights ago I think?-- We were mentally letting our brain bring up traumatic memories and we were just walking through them with the nousfoni that held them, BEING there for them NOW when at the time they were alone and terrified and unsafe and scared... redefining the memories, healing the contexts, soothing the past. It's WORKING. Family memories, hospital memories, travel memories, childhood memories... all of it, any of it, whatever comes up, we courageously and lovingly move into together and we HEAL. We TRANSMUTE that lead into gold, that coal into diamonds. That is why we exist. And heaven knows we're succeeding at it, and we need to admit that to ourselves. That's good and allowed, too. It means we're bringing more Light and Love into the world, and that is something to rejoice in, humbly but jubilantly.

Our Discover Weekly playlist this week is full of Asian music. I wonder why? It's all KPop and Japanese classical and the like. It's lovely, and we are thoroughly enjoying this, but we wonder why Spotify chose that for the genre focus this week. We're just fascinated by how those algorithms work.

What else for tonight.
Oh. It's October. It's Libra month for the next 3 weeks. That means our Core HAS to solidify within the next 20 days or so. The previous Jay-- Iridos-- has effectively collapsed, due to being so battered by name abuse and trauma and doubt that he turned empty-white and lost sight of his true self. The new Core MIGHT rename the bloodline, and we KNOW that they're bringing a new color to it: GOLD. They also might bring RED back in, as that's VITAL for existing with the body, for uniting the inner and the outer, and the previous all-WHITE Cores were NOT doing that, and it was damaging everyone. But we're intrigued by this multi-color resonance the new Spectrum function has been hinting at? Because the Cores have ALWAYS resonated with the FULL Alchemical color set: black, white, red, AND gold. And we wonder if that default is going to become the TRUE default in entirety? It's interesting!
Still not sure on the form shifts, how that works... our current forming Core has that seraphic form AND that Anubis form, as well as a tentative humanoid form which is WEIRDLY holding the old Deon hairstyle but tinted pastel cerise??? And he DOES have facial hair, tying him to the body even more. Not sure on names yet, but we keep being pulled back to old Greek mythology references, and that's making us wonder if maybe THAT'S why "Eros" has been unable to truly anchor in after resurrecting, because he took that name from a past CORE and so it's not really his!! Huh. He says he'd like a name of his own, as the true meaning of that name is definitely not his to carry, so we'll see.

Well, it's 2am, our eyes hurt, we have tea on the stove, we have a headache, we're feeling physically grubby and tired and still sad depressed, so maybe the healthiest thing to do would be to not stay up too late and instead go lie down and let people cry and feel and talk and heal. This sort of uncomfortable weepy-angry feeling is a SOLID indicator that someone needs to be paid attention to, as they have something that ALL of us need to work with right now for the sake of System health.

We might upload a few more 2011 entries tonight, but if not, at least we got a daily entry in, and that makes us very happy. We miss this.

We love all of you. Sorry this entry didn't get into deep headspace stuff, but our mind is too fatigued to do so tonight, and that's okay too. For everything there is a season. When we can, we will write a heartspill entry, and you all know that is beautifully inevitable.
Have a beautiful, beautiful night.