nervosa

 

***DUE TO A HUGE AMOUNT OF UNEXPECTED AND UNANNOUNCED PARTICIPANTS-- MOST OF WHOM ARE UNANCHORED AND/OR BLURRY SOCIALS-- AUTHOR TEXT COLORS MAY BE INCORRECT IN SOME PLACES, BOTH IN RESONANCE AND ATTRIBUTION. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THIS, AND WILL STRIVE TO BE AS ACCURATE AS POSSIBLE REGARDLESS.***

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS

 

LAURIE UBERICH "JAY" 2017 SHERLOCK CHOCOLOCO
+ "POISON" KID, ???, "HAVE TO" KID, BRIAR, "DISGUST" KID, ISCAH, ZUCHE, JUNIPER, HOBAN, GARRISON, ISADORA, KALISHA, JESSICA, "YOGAGIRL," JOSHUA, "INDIGOJESS," OVERLOAD, TRIPLE, WATTSON, JASON



All right. It's been far too long since we've had one of these, and whether or not this ends up being a full session, we need to talk.

No fucking shit, kid, the situation's at the darkest before the dawn right now. Care to elaborate, or should I drag the culprits in here?

Both, I think.

Aiite, cool. Let's get talking, then. They'll show up, I'm sure. They usually do.

There's so much to talk about, though.

Gotta focus on one thing though, kid.

The eating disorder?

No shit. That's the most pressing issue. We've gotta at least clear the air on that hellish war. So where do we start?

Probably the fact that there's one nousfoni who is terrified to eat at all. Even vegetables.

They're poison.

There you are. And, for the record, no they ain't.

They are if you eat too many of them.

Well, they're not poison, but they hurt.

And who the fuck are you?

I don't know who that is.

Either way, you keep talking. Poison for you means…?

Poison means anything that hurts and makes us sick. Like… someone decided to eat onions. Peppers. We can't eat those. We were told those irritate our stomach.

Do they?

Yes. From what the body remembers. So I had to throw them up, or we'd be in hours of pain, you know that?

Kid, then show up when someone's making the food and tell 'em not to.

But we have to!!

Shit, there's another kid.

We HAVE to eat those things. We HAVE to.

Says who?

Says… doctors. People online. Pittsburgh people. The family back home! They said we HAVE to eat those things or else we're not doing what we're supposed to. And we HAVE to do what we're supposed to or we're disobedient and bad and gonna get in trouble.

But what if eating those foods makes our collective body sick?

They don't. They do though. They shouldn't. I don't want them to.

But they do, kid, it keeps happening.

They didn't for Iscah!! She ate EVERYTHING in Pittsburgh, SHE didn't get sick!!

So you want her to eat all those things?

No. I don't want any of us eating those things, they're poison.

They weren't poison for her!! NOTHING was poison for her!! She ate everything and didn't get sick and this body was GROWING. Not losing weight and dying. And she made EVERYONE HAPPY, remember?? EVERYONE was happy with us. We were INSPIRING people to get better because WE were. Because we ate everything. EVERYTHING. Not a single bite of it hurt us. Not even milk.

Yes it did. You remember, even she was throwing up from that. She couldn't help it. The nausea was incapacitating. The body itself rejected it.

But…

But it "shouldn't have," right? But it did. Just like apples and carrots shouldn't feel like shrapnel in our stomach. Just like hot sauce shouldn't make us lightheaded. Just like nuts and seeds shouldn't make us feel like we can't breathe. Just like mayonnaise makes our stomach heave. Just like--

Okay, stop, stop!! Iscah was FINE with ALL of that though!!! What's wrong with us??

You're fucking terrified is what.

But we HAVE to be terrified!! Those things HURT us!!!

Is that someone else, I swear to God--

You need to stop eating things that you are afraid of, because as long as you're afraid of them, you won't let them stay in the stomach. Just stop, please.

You ate everything the first week we were here, when Oliver and Mason cooked everything for us, remember? You ate those tacos with sour cream and cheese and everything, and we didn't get sick. You ate those hamburgers with potatoes and okra and you didn't get sick.

Don't talk about food, don't say the words, that's disgusting and you should be ashamed of yourself!!! You make me want to vomit just saying those words!! Shut up!!!!!

Holy fucking shit how many people are in charge of this bullshit??

Too many.

Why are they so scared to eat? The body needs to eat, and it was meant to eat. There's nothing wrong with eating. God invented food AND He invented eating. It's a fascinating process and it should be respected.

Fuck you it's DISGUSTING!!!!!!!

It's not disgusting, it's only disgusting when you DON'T respect it.

No answer from the peanut gallery on that one, kid.

I just want us to be normal, too.

"Normal" is an ill-defined word, kid. What's your name?

Zucche, I think. Zuke?

From "zucchini," so I've heard.

I like it. Is that wrong?

No, not at all, it's pretty fuckin' cute actually. "Zucchini"'s a term of endearment in queer circles anyway, y'know.

I heard that, yeah. I just like the name. Plus it's the first thing I REALLY ate, thanks to Iscah.

I enjoyed eating dinner together with you, Zuche. It was really nice. Sharing food is a really significant thing, you know. It shows a lot of care and companionship. Like how parents feed their children, and friends eat together, and people go on dinner dates.

Why the fuck does so much of life revolve around food!! I hate it!!!

Why's that, kid?

Because it's exhausting and it hurts and it's terrifying. I HATE it. I wish we could just not eat and actually LIVE LIFE.

Well, you don't have to make as much as you do, either. How about this-- stop making bowls of stuff. You ALL know you hate that, you ALL know it doesn't work.

But it's what the family does!! They say you HAVE to eat out of bowls, it's proper manners--

Kid, I don't give a shit about manners if manners are sending you headlong into an obligation-fueled panic attack. If you want to sit down and eat an entire fucking cucumber with your bare hands, go right ahead, if it means you'll actually keep it down instead of purging it in terror afterwards. And for fuck's sake, DON'T eat in the goddamned kitchen. Zuche, I think you actually got data on that earlier?

I did! Iscah and I were eating on the porch and it was fine, neither of us had any trouble. But the instant we came inside and tried to eat sitting on the rug, our brain began to go a mile a minute. And then I switched out and I don't know what happened.

Briar came out and started panic-eating, I think.

I had to get rid of it somehow. There was too much, and it was nauseating. We can't just throw it out, that's wrong.

That's "rude" and "wasting it," right? And eating it then purging it isn't?

No, because we at least ate it like we're supposed to.

It doesn't count as wasting if we at least tried to eat it.

Kid, this is why I said don't mix shit in bowls. You do it specifically to make it inedible.

Not breakfast!! Breakfast was fine!

That wasn't mixing, kid. That was just putting what you want to eat together in an actual small bowl, not a mixing bowl. Sorry I didn't clarify that. Stop cooking for a goddamned army, and just prepare enough for ONE person. Just you.

It's scary. What if someone else wants it?

Then they can make their own, kid.

But that's rude!!

No it's not. Kid, listen. No one EVER eats what you make, not here and not back in PA. That's been proven. Plus, you panic, because you're used to starving. Make enough for right now, eat that, and be done. Then you can actually fucking relax instead of thinking "you're not supposed to have leftovers." By the way, where the hell did THAT come from?

Because it means you messed up. Food left over gets disgusting and inedible and you have to get rid of it.

Plus it's a trigger food.

So you have to eat everything you made right now so you don't reject it.

Then make small amounts, kid. Simple as that. Two eggs, if three is too much. No chopping vegetables up into tiny pieces. No chopping ANYTHING into tiny pieces. Also, who the hell keeps bingeing on bread and cereal and shit? Why the carbs?

I don't know.

Does anyone here know?

I… it's easy to eat. It tastes good. I like it a lot.

But it makes our body violently ill, kid.

…Does it?

Yes, and we've catalogued that for years, actually. Recent attempts have proved the same. Chex, Lucky Charms, oatmeal--

Stop saying those shit names!!!! I'm mortified!!! STOP!!!!!!

Why is she so damned disgusted by the mention of food?

THAT'S AN UGLY WORD STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She hates it. It's overwhelmingly disgusting to her. She's drowning in the guilt and shame that comes from years of an eating disorder. For her, the very thought of… well, that act or those objects, is reprehensible and disgusting, because it reminds her immediately of how it feels to be sick, to be invaded, to want to die.

THANK YOU.

Eating and sexual trauma are still linked then, huh?

Inherently.

STOP TALKING ABOUT THAT PLEASE

Not for Iscah?

Iscah has no ties to trauma whatsoever. She's fearless as a result.

And the other kids? Like Juniper and Zuche?

I'm not sure. Garrison?

Y--you're looking to me for data?

You probably have immediate tentative data. Is there any conjecture?

I-- let me look, Kalisha--?

…Juniper does not have comprehension of trauma either way. She does not eat, she only stops disordered behavior. Zuche also does not seem to have any cognizance of trauma, other than a vague rushed unease that she is entirely willing and striving to overcome.

I didn't rush through dinner today, Iscah actually showed me how to slow down and enjoy it.

So those two are fine, then.

As far as it looks right now, yes. But Briar? And the allergy girl? And this screaming one?

The allergy girl is tied to health concerns since 2009. Briar is definitely imitating abuse responses. As is the screaming one. She does not have a name?

She feels like Jessica. The brown one.

Not exactly. But she is close.

They both hate eating, but this one screams about it far more vehemently and often.

Jessica?

Don't drag me into this, I hate it too. I hate how much it hurts and how much drama there is. I want it to be done and simple too. I hate it.

Are you offended by talking about food?

I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!!

It's distasteful, but I won't scream about it. I can see how it's OK for others of us in here, like Iscah. She'll eat a hamburger and enjoy every bit of it. I admire that. I'm glad she doesn't feel miserable or scared. But me? No. I won't eat one. I can't. I just despise eating.

How about your sister, the indigo chick with the fungus daemon?

I… I don't know.

How's your daemon? And why you? Why do you, of all people, get the mocha rabbit?

BECAUSE SHE, TOO, WHEN DEEPLY DEPRESSED, WILL DEFAULT TO WHAT IS KNOWN AS "COMFORT FOODS." COMPULSIVE DRAWS. CHOCOLATE AND COFFEE. TOLD BY THE BIRTH FAMILY AND SOCIETY. SHE HATES HERSELF FOR SEEKING COMFORT IN EATING INSTEAD OF SEEKING HUMAN COMPASSION AND SUPPORT, WHICH SHE TRULY NEEDS. BUT SHE FEELS SHE DOES NOT DESERVE IT. SO I AM BOTH.

…Makes sense, easter bunny.

AXIS'S HEART-HOST ALSO DOES NOT BATTLE WITH FOOD. SHE DEALS WITH DEPRESSION, THE SAD SORT THAT LINGERS WITH SELF-REGRET. NOT BLATANT SUICIDE. THERE IS NO RAGE IN HER, AS THERE IS IN MY ONE. BUT MY ONE DOES NOT WANT TO DIE EITHER. NOT TRULY.

No, I don’t. I just… I'm so angry that there's so much stupidity keeping us from being happy.

Happiness is a state of mind. We can choose to be happy regardless of what is going on around us.

That's true, random newcomer, and welcome to the discussion, but we also can't push the wrong fuckin' sort of "happiness" and ignore the fact that sadness and regret and really fuckin' important. I mean, look-- if we DIDN'T have these depressed and furious kids, we wouldn’t be so motivated to solve this damn problem, nor would we realize just HOW bad it is.

Wouldn't you?

Kid, that's the irony of it. If we WERE happy all the time, we wouldn't HAVE this damn problem, because it stands directly in the way OF our happiness.

No it doesn't.

Complete happiness, then. Yeah, we can definitely be happy despite that shit. Deep down, we are even now. 'Cause we're alive, damn it. We're talking to each other. We're a System. We're ALIVE. That's reason enough to rejoice for the next fifteen fuckin' millenia straight, and then some. This eating disorder fuckin' pales in comparison to it. But we can't ignore the fact that it's a struggle a great many of us are still enduring. All right? There's a reason for that, too. And that reason is trauma residue, and fear-based teaching, and being afraid to say "no" or make our own informed decisions, and self-doubt and self-damnation, and being told we're dirty and filthy just for being a perfectly-"imperfect" human, and et-fucking-cetera. Abuse shit. Internalized toxicity. Yeah, it's bull, but it's there. And we'll overcome it, and we'll learn, and we'll transmute it, and it'll allow us to help others and we'll be wiser and hell, we'll have CONQUERED this shit. Every victory will be a fuckin' trophy from here on out. Capisce? That doesn't mean we're not happy now. Just means we also have to be sad, because sadness is fuckin' vital too.

…There's a difference, though. Sadness is a good signpost but you can also drown in it.

Holy shit, Josh, is that you?? Welcome to the goddamned boardroom, kid! I didn't think you could come up here, let alone in here!

I've… I'm feeling a lot more real than I ever did before. I'm working with all of you now. I'm loved on the outside now, my native level. So I'm becoming more of a person. I'm becoming more real. And so I can talk to the realest of us all now. You guys, all of you upstairs.

Kid, you've always been just as real as us, you just start out foggy, as even I did. That's natural and it's fuckin' fine and we love you too, all right?

I know. It's just… nice, to have that on every level, too.

No fuckin' shit, kid, I'm still head-reeling euphorically dumbfounded by it too.

Haha.

But you were saying, about sadness?

Yeah, I… I'm always asking if people are mad at us, or if we did something wrong, or if we're bad people. I can feel children asking through me, too. But I feel that puddle-of-rain sadness all the time. Just… like a body of water. Shallow, just sitting there. Depressed, but not a sinkhole, or a raging sea. But not without depth either. Am I making any sense?

Kid, we've got vibes, so yeah. But you're basically the one that holds that sad fear, the preemptive regret and guilt, I guess?

What does that mean?

You ask if we fucked up "just in case," because you feel the sadness from all the times we DID, and the negative reactions to those times. You ask if people are furious with us because you're expecting that, in a "well I'd deserve it" sort of way. You just… hold that base-level sadness. Someone who's so used to being fuckin' torn to shreds by words and actions that you don't even cry anymore. You're just… blue.

…I suppose so.

So who the fuck cries?

There was a girl out this morning, crying over breakfast. She was afraid that, since Oliver made us breakfast-- although we wanted to ask him to in the first place, as we had no spoons or mental capacity to do so ourselves-- it meant that we "couldn't be trusted" to EVER make breakfast, in the sense of "you are inherently undeserving of trust." Like the birth family treated us. And she just sobbed because she couldn't make sense of it otherwise. And then some numb emotionless cold fronter came in and just… shut her down. Stormcloud gray, they felt.

And the girl? Did you recognize either of them?

No. Faceless, nameless. But they felt old. The girl also felt blue, I think? Maybe a tinge of green. I'm not sure. She didn't feel Aqua, though.

Huh. And you're also thinking they're old?

Yeah, I didn't type that yet.

S'okay, kid, I felt it. You think hella loud.

I do though. But yeah, they feel very old. The girl feels like… 13? 14? Her prevailing mindset being "what did I do wrong? Why don't you trust me?" Total helpless confusion. But she doesn't WANT to do those things anyway; she's too scared, and doesn't trust herself to do them right. But she wants to try, to prove she CAN be trusted, and can learn. She's just terrified to "screw up" and therefore "prove" that she CAN'T. It's an awful, soul-crushing fear. And stormcloud dude just moves in like a dead weight, a stony cold fed-up anger, a sort of "stop crying, that's foolish" feeling underneath a "business as usual" front. He shuts down all emotions, and then just coldly and curtly communicates as minimally as needed. No empathy, no capacity for human interaction. He literally exists to just put a quick full-stop to "hysterical" alters due to internalized-abuse frustration with tears. The family's rage response to a crying child.

That's fucked up, kid. All tears have a reason.

But to them, the reasons those kids cry are all "bullshit."

That judgment is bullshit. Even if that kid is literally crying over spilled milk, there's a reason it elicited that sort of response from them. Maybe it makes them feel dirty and uncomfortable and bad. Maybe they're terrified of being punished. Maybe it just makes them super sad that they spilled something that they can't use now. Could be all sorts of things, kid. They're all valid.

Family doesn't think so.

Fuck that shit. That "family" didn't even view their own emotions as valid unless they were fucking shrieking into the hills or sobbing like a soap opera actress, and that's internalized judgment shit too, fuck. I'm sorry.

But in a way, it's telling. Our grandmother would only cry if she went outside and started literally screaming hysterically into the air, half of her words being "God please kill me" or "kill all of us" or the like. Hysterical, quite literally. It was terrifying. And then she'd come inside with a social-smile even though her face was crumpled up and red and it broke my heart
and also made us so angry because she was BURYING it.
And then the MOTHER would only cry if she made it a fucking DRAMA PARTY with loud boo-hoos and pity parties and guilt trips and I HATED that because she couldn't just CRY HONESTLY and talk about WHY, no, she had to make into a SHOW and then it just felt so fake and wrong and it made me SO ANGRY.

No such thing as fragility or vulnerability in that house, basically.

EXACTLY!!! And THAT'S what we need and want and SHOW. Also I'm sorry for butting in, I just… I hold this stuff.

S'okay, Triple. That is you, right?

Overload.

Shit, what's the difference??

I come out when things FEEL ugly.
But I come out when I'm fucking PISSED.

Are you like, twins or some shit? Symbiotic like the yellow twins?

Could be, they sure feel like it.

Hell, that'd explain a lot. Also 11/11 at the page bottom, hell yes, I love seeing that.

It's a good sign!

Also, who the hell is looking for food again. We're DONE for the night, it's 11:30 and we have to SLEEP.

Oh, sleep will work too.

Whoa whoa whoa, hold up. "Too??" Are you fucking admitting to rerouting?

Well I thought I was hungry, but then you said sleep, and that would work better.

Are you Hoban??

You feel green.

Maybe?

I think so.

Hoban is specifically not depressed, surprisingly.

Why's that, trio folks?

Haha.

Because she's isolated from trauma. Her sister, Briar, isn't. Nor are the other "voices" from that time period. But Hoban herself would eat and enjoy things. Which was very rare. There's another girl like her who would sob while eating and wanted to die. She holds the deadname.

That was me.

And me, I think.

You fucking splintered off??

Memory feels like a conglomerate, so possibly.

Describe that shit.

Hoban wanted to eat the cereal, as she liked it. Jess 1, the indigo one, was depressed and didn't want to, she was just too spiritually exhausted to do anything but cry. Jess 2, the brown one, hated herself for this abusive behavior, but was also too sad to do anything but continue to self-abuse out of punishment. And Hoban, of course, was only eating because she held the feeling of unmet needs in a trauma-detached way, and not having any other way to meet them, her function became to eat. Does that make sense?

Yeah, but where do the other chicks fit in?

Briar isn't tied to that specific event. She's tied to the feeling of "I HAVE to eat this WHOLE BOX because I want it gone, so I never have to see it again." But she wouldn't throw it away because then she'd get caught, and heavily punished. Hence the eating it instead, treating oneself as a garbage dump.

That's fucked up, kid, I'm so sorry you went through that bullshit. But you can stop it now, you realize.

I want to. I want to leave that food for other people to eat. But I'm so SCARED of it. I don't want it in the house.

Why can't you just leave it be, though?

I don't know. I WANT to. I wish I could. I want to learn how. But… right now, I just… I feel like I HAVE to get rid of it, and I HATE it. Like… I'm obligated to eat it. It's there, so I HAVE to. I hate that feeling. How do I stop?

Practice. Gradual override.

It takes time, dear. But it works.

…It's scary.

It's gonna be scary, kid, it's going against your original function. But in the end, you gotta choose.

But… who AM I, then, if I'm not the one feeling that anymore?

Are you feeling it now?

Yeah. But I know I don't WANT to. Someone else is looking and not wanting to but not screaming that they "have to," which I am. Someone tired.

Me, probably.

And me. But I'm not sad like her. Just tired.

I don't want to scream at you, though. I don't want this either.

I know that now.

Sounds like you need a daemon, kid.

…me?

Anytime someone's got a "demon" to fight, something in them that elicits genuine frustration or rage or hatred or pain of some sort, that eventually seems to be birthed into a daemon in here. Something, someone rather, that externalizes that exact fucking feeling in a way that allows you to FINALLY fucking face it head-on without being choked to death BY fear. At least, the toxic sort of fear.

Daemons are scary because they require you to be unflinching, totally honest with yourself and your worst flaws and terrors, but they also prevent you from hating yourself anymore. So it's a different fear. It's a key part of healing.

…maybe I will end up with one, then. I don't know.

None of us do, kid, they just happen. Hell, Jason got one, and NO one expected that.

Speaking of, has he been around lately?

Jason, or his daemon?

Both of them.

Not really? The hell was/is Jason's function anyway?

Social fronter, tied to food as it's a social function, did a lot of fronting last month for the sake of eating without fear. Backfired, though, as he had no awareness of how much was too much, especially with purchases.

He's not used to self-sufficiency. He's a partygoer. He exists TO function in social situations, not home situations.

True.

And Cayenne…?

Exists to make sure I keep my head on straight. He asks me if I'm doing this thing because I want to, or if because I feel I have to because of some unwritten script I'm blindly following. He showed up for real that day I got all the seafood, I think.

And "Cayenne" because…?

He originally made me think of a ghost pepper. How I'm the one who keeps adding hot sauce to things because it's "impressive" or a "party trick." "Have to prove I'm cool/ strong enough TO eat that," I guess. Stories of people eating hot peppers and hot wings and restaurants and being the life of the party the hotter the things are that they can eat. Social ideals. "Making people happy." But… I don't really want it? It's take it or leave it. I'm just… doing these things with food because food is a social function. And Cayenne was born to tell me that… I don't have to live to entertain people through eating. I don't have to constantly try restaurant foods in the desperate attempt to figure out what we do or don't like, "just in case" we end up there with someone, so we don't look ignorant or make a fool of ourself, and therefore "cease to be a good time." I… with Cayenne, I don't… care about impressing anyone anymore. I just care about him. About just being me. I don't care about the party anymore. I don't even care about going, not with my daemon around. He's more important. It's terrifying, learning to live for my own sake, our own sake, instead of for the crowds watching me, but… it's relieving, too. It's freeing, to not have to care. To be simpler. To just… live, and not perform. So I haven't been around anymore lately because I don't feel the need to, unless I'm helping someone else now, I guess, or if I'm lapsing into that social behavior again. But I'm trying to learn who I am, or who I could be, outside of it.

Be a Redemptor, like you just fuckin' said. Now that you're aware of the problematic situation that your life is now a testament to overcoming, YOU are the main dude people can turn to for guidance or inspiration towards the right direction. You can be the… the fuckin' poster kid for healing from that shit for everyone, y'know what I mean?

Like… if someone else feels driven to perform, and I get triggered out, my new job is to NOT do my old job?

Precisely. You and shrimp-heaven-now dude can tag team that shit and keep us from being toxic ever again. Heavy load, maybe, but you can do it.

It's not heavy when you have help carrying it.

True that. So. All you kids with daemons, and/or all you kids struggling with new functions outside of abusive or toxic situations, you hearing this loud and clear? Because this applies to all of y'all.

…Yeah, I'm hearing it, and I'm still scared, but I think I'm a little more brave now too.

Good. And if you need help, kid, you just call out for it. Even if you're terrified as fuck. Even if you feel like you're drowning in panic. Admit that shit. Reach out for help. You'll get it.

Are you sure?

Fuck, I'm a living guarantee, kid. I'm here for ya, if no one else, but I assure you there are many of us in here, the vast majority of us actually, who'll lift you outta that shit if you let us. 'Kay?

Mkay. Thanks, Laurie, is it?

The one and only, kid. Same as you. Speaking of people that I call "kid." New Jay, whassup? How you feeling?

Hovering in the background, really. Glad this is happening, even gladder that we were determined enough to do it.

Yeah, no shit, these sessions are literally the key to System healing. Communication, folks, it works fuckin' wonders.

It really does. On that note, it's 4 minutes to midnight; do you think we should close this up for now?

Topic feels settled, if I may butt in to say so.

Violets are kings of butting in to say shit, you sure may.

Hehe.

But yeah, everyone feels quiet for one reason or another. Either reassured, or thinking deeply, or having an existential moment or three. In a good way, I think. Getting a better grip on where they stand and who they are and who they could be and all that. But it feels like the answers are self-evident and just need to be fully lived, now.

Bravery is key.

Bravery won't fuckin' happen for an abused kid unless they're damn sure they've got someone non-abusive backing them up.

Hm. So, in other words, they need to talk to you first?

Heh, sure, that works well enough. But yeah, Izzy. These eating-disorder kids are fuckin terrified because that's all they've ever known. No way one, one option available, yadda yadda. Someone's gotta break down that fuckin labyrinth and show 'em a way out. Someone's gotta tell 'em that shit's fucked without making them feel like it's their fault. Someone's gotta help 'em FIND the way out of that damn maze, because at this point in their poor pained existences, they don't KNOW there's a way out, because they've only ever known life TO be a maze. So yeah. Gotta talk to 'em, gotta tell it like it is, gotta bandage 'em up best I can while leading 'em away from the shit that keeps injuring them. Steadily and staunchly. We keep on walking. If they get turned around a bit, no big deal, it's a fuckin' labyrinth after all. But I've got a map. They just don’t believe in maps sometimes, having never seen one before. Sometimes you gotta let 'em take an off turn just to ease their minds ABOUT the map. "Oh shit, I guess that isn't the right way to go. I thought it was." Again, no big whoop, kid. Glad you were brave enough to look and find out. But now you gotta remember that you discovered what didn't work. That's wisdom, that's a victory. Build on it now. Ain't nothing wrong with following a map. There's nothing wrong with life being easier and far less painful than what you're used to. Or, in other words, don't seek out suffering. Bad days will come and go, we'll learn from 'em and move forwards. Just… good days will come and go, too, and you've GOT to treasure them. You've also got to MAKE good days happen, by refusing to label ANY shit as a "bad day." That's what miss blue-happy voice was talking about earlier. Happiness is a choice. A good day is a choice. And you're ALLOWED to have good days. They're fuckin' awesome. ALL you kids should have lives full of good days, and good does NOT mean "without hardship." Hell, look at me. You think I'd be happy stagnating without any challenges? Hell no! I'm super fuckin' chuffed over this conversation, as rough as the day was, and as far as I'm concerned this was a hella good day, because look at what we learned. Look what we were able to accomplish. Thumb your nose at anyone saying this shit's "bad." Nah man, it's a fuckin' opportunity. Every single thing that's ever caused me pain has made me a better protector, a better friend, a better person in general. And why? Because I wanted to be those things. Ain't nothin' in the world gonna make me stop caring about the people I love. If they suffer, then hell, I'm gonna work all the harder to learn why and help them through it. No such fucking thing as a bad day. Just tough ones. But that's how you get beefy, son. Gotta work those spiritual and psychological muscles, too.

Haha!

Good, got you laughing. Really, though. You get what I'm saying?

Absolutely, love. I feel the same way. It's the biggest paradox in the book, but that's why I love it.

So today we dealt with the same struggles we've been grappling with for years, but today we also put our collective feet down and said "hell no, we're tired of this shit, we are going to DO something about it."

We do that every day.

Exactly. But every day the challenge changes, too. Every day we learn, every day we progress, every day the level generates a little differently, so to speak. We level up, so does the opposition. Ain't no such thing as a step backwards, either, kid. Not as long as we keep learning. Even if a lesson repeats, guess what? Now we can look at it from a new angle, a different angle, one we couldn't see last time, even if that last time was literally the day before, or a few hours ago.

That is true.

So hope doesn’t ever die. Not for us, not ever. Yeah, today was tough, and tomorrow will be too, because we're still in the healing process here. Wounds are still wide open. But damn it we are on much better footing now. We understand more. We spoke to each other about this. We're determined, we're fueled by the desire to have a better life, to let go of pain, to abandon abuse, to clear out all toxicity… all of that guarantees that we'll never have a damn bad day in our life.

I know.

Good. So do I. Now it's 12:12 and we still aren't ready for bed, what the hell.

I just want to keep talking to you.

I know, kid. About what though?

Core shifts.

Ah, yes. You. So what's up with that?

Name's changing, color's changing, look is changing. I've got at least three different "forms" right now and they all feel like me but they're not the same, either. Humanoid, seraphic, and Anubis-esque. And I can't forget that I'm apparently, powerfully, SUPPOSED to hold Gold as a key hue in my Spectrum signature, so to speak.

Along with White as your Core, Black as the inevitable complement, and Red as the other Core-bloodline root, right?

I think so, except it keeps showing up as Pink? Except not. It's definitely not Julie's hue, nor is it Eros's. It's literally Red+White. Which is a DIFFERENT hue than those two previously mentioned, interestingly.

Makes sense, in a weird way. At least, intuitively and with how weird headspace shit is, absolutely. Now do the colors vary per form, or what? Because I remember you mentioning "starflesh" for your Anubis form, which is totally fuckin' weird, and NOT like Infi, who is our Core Black fella-lady-whatever.

That is true. Infi has specifically peacock's-tail iridescent skin, for lack of a better term.

Which term?

Skin. It's… daemons, man. Infi's like, you know how gelly-people are drawn? How they might have bones or organs but they're all in this uniform substance? No layers of skin or fat or muscle, just that one substance? That's Infi. It's all this soft heavy shadow, feeling like opaque night air or something. It's hard to describe.

Infi… has a circulatory system, right? For lack of a better term?

Yeah, actually. Obviously. Ze's playing with the idea of bones, too. Not sure on the color. Should be silver, but I keep seeing gold too?

Who even fucking knows, kid.

Could be both at once.

Sounds legit, knowing hir.

Absolutely. Also wondering about blood, for both of us.

How's that, kid?

Because… my "circulatory system" looks gold now? Not black. But the blood is still black, I think. Again, still learning. Anubis form has gold eyes, gold ears, gold accents… black starflesh body, like Infi's in structure but looking like the night sky… gold bones, can't feel blood in that one. Not yet at least. Still a heart, though. Gold. Seraphic form is all redwhite-pink and gold-dust shimmer, no black that I can see, eyes I can't tell. Feel whitish pink offhand. As for blood, I don't know. Heart still feels gold.

Can't say I'm surprised, kid.

I feel the significance in your saying that and thank you deeply, Laurie, I love you just as much.

…Heh. Can't hide anything from each other up here, kid.

Wouldn't want to. Do you mind if I continue?

Nah man, you're in data-dump mode, so dump data to your heart's content.

Sounds good. So my humanoid form-- actually, forms, because there are two. One's the typical younger-man shape, one's older? I think? The latter one has this big halo, like made of gold but it's intricate looking on the surface? It's flat, and vertical, and I think there might be gems or something in it, but what REALLY stands out about this form is that it perpetually has me "crying" pearlescent tears.

Holy shit, what??

I don't know! But it's the immediate overlay anchor for it. It's a wise form, an "integrity" form. Very good, very sacred solemn without being cold. Warm solemn. But the other form, the humanoid one that follows the normal Core appearance mode, has pinkish hair again? The red-white tint. And wings, I think gold-dust color, and eyes I have no idea yet. The chin beard has returned, and the hair is swept back Celebi-style again?? Like the 2011 look. Notable, I daresay.

No shit, kid. That was one hell of an important time period. Also, didn't you say recently that That form-look, especially the hair, "felt the most right" as far as resonance went? I know there have been a hell of a lot of Core shifts over the past several years, but it's pretty damn clear that "your" 2011 look was tied to some profound healing instances, if I may also daresay.

It's also the look tied to July 7th and Xenophon's existence. Therefore, Infi's roots.

…Holy fucking shit, no wonder that one feels so legit. What were the other appearance shifts, have you compared them? Why they don't work? Why the hell did 2013's look collapse?

Probably because that was echoing the swept-back look of 2010, which was Jayce through and through.

But so was the Celebi hair, dude. That was Pinstripe's before it was anybody's.

True, but remember that between April and June-- basically, after the alleged apocalypse-- the Core hair changed from White to pinkish red for a while.

…Holy fucking shit. Again. That speaks volumes, what the hell.

It does. Red is the color of the life downstairs, White is the color of the life upstairs. Red and White united are traditionally a very sacred color combo. Harmony between the carnal and the ethereal. Unity between the above and below. The head and the heart. The breath and the Breath. Skin and Spirit. You get my drift. Both at once.

Again, H.F.S. How the hell did we not see this before.

We obviously did, if it's obvious in discussion! We just never took the time to talk about it before, and therefore get it out on paper, into cognizant reality and solid data. This is why talking to each other is so incredibly vital to our growth.

Kid, you're preaching to the choir here. But keep talking about the hair. What else is on the timeline?

I'm gonna post pictures of all this, too… but, remember, in RB3, the avatar had White hair and BROWN eyes. So did the 2010 anniversary art. THAT was Jayce's bloodline-- brown AND White.

Fuck, I didn't even realize that. That's a fucking ANCIENT look.

It really is. And, again, that shifted hard in 2011, once the "pink" incidents happened.

Notable?

Heck yeah. It hadn't BEEN a color for us UNTIL then, and once it was, well… it immediately became linked to the Core bloodline, I suppose. On that note? The reddish-hair look was ALSO the ONLY Core with a "God Tier," the Seer of Love, and it was also the look of the "heartglow" photos, the I-F commission, the "Amor Sacrificium" picture, and the "Ocean Flame" picture. NOTABLE.

What the fuck, no wonder you're jiving with it. When did it shift out?

…2012. There's no art after I think January until December, with that weird white hair/ red eyes look with the Spark of Space, and then once Infi showed up everything turned white and got the "snowball" hair plus pearlescent overtone. But… you all know how unstable that form still sadly was. And there was instability in the red-hair look, too, here and there. But I'm thinking too hard and getting off-topic. The point is, this new look seems to be trying to fuse the virtues of both without getting "locked in" to exclusively either?

Not too red, or too white. The harmony thing you were talking about.

Yes! So I'm excited to see where this goes. I'm also curious whether or not I can even HOLD Gold as a Core hue. That might even shift the bloodline.

It might, and it might have to, if that's what the System wants/needs/whatever. Didn't you say you felt your name was also shifting hard? Like away from the J root even?

I have no idea. It keeps pushing me back in the "Eros" root direction because of the cosmogonical relevance, especially with Chaos, but I can FEEL that the original Eros-look root is wrong for me now. Totally off kilter. The name doesn't fit either. That's why the old red look collapsed-- it wasn't what we needed. And I don't want to go back to that either. So we'll see.

You thinking maybe we'll end up with a new hairstyle in time, too?

Could be. Everything's up in the air right now. I just wanted to talk about that while I was thinking of it. But my look is definitely not stark-white anymore.

It was never supposed to be, kid.

I know, but for a while it was, which is why Adakias collapsed, and I think why Iridos did too?

You lost the Iridos name?

Yeah. Oh, he was too iridescent. All pink, no red, no black. He couldn't honestly deal with darker, painful things. Which is needed. Love hurts too, you know. In the good way. No such distinction for him. Pain, tears, heartache... all of that was eventually a no-go for Iridos. It all got shoved into Adakias, who was broken as all heck already.

Then how the hell did Iridos deal with Infi?

He didn't always. You know that, too. All the regrets and pushing away. The desperation and blinding. It wasn't as healthy as we all hoped.

…Shit. But no, I knew that too. Iridos didn't spend a lot of time with us in the polygroup, for lack of a better term, because that damn-blessed star keeps getting bigger.

It does, and I truly adore that fact.

But you're stable. I can feel that, even from here. You're deeper in tune than he was. You're not obligated, you can say "no, not right now" or "not like this" without any regret or hatred or whatever the shit. You're all love. You're gold, kid. Untouchable. Incorruptible.

At heart, absolutely.

Always were, kid. You got a new name resonance at all, yet? You still going by Jay?

Temporarily, but that name is absolutely Not Mine anymore. The vibe doesn't match. Which is why I'm wondering about hair and colors and such. I feel so new. And yet, So much of the Eros/Cupid mythos still resonates so hard with me, although the name doesn't. I was almost feeling "Anteros" for a bit, but… I don't think so. I keep wondering if the Core "initial" is going to change to an I. Ironically. I have no idea.

Kid, we'll see. I was just wondering what the hell to call you currently.

No idea! I guess stick with "Jay" or "J" for the time being, although those names are solidly tied with past Cores, not this new me.

You've gotta find that name soon, kid. You've got 13 days left in the zodiac cycle, remember.

I know. And I'm reading more and more about this stuff and heck, could be an A. Anteros, Anubis, Amor, Agape, Aureole, Aorta, Angel… it's a good letter. Feels Gold, too. AU.

Haha, holy shit, that is fitting.

I am the alternate universe.

Kid, you gotta get to fucking sleep, this is hilarious but I can feel you threading out. Unless you feel like writing poetry, I say you pop some melatonin and put on Spotify while we try to sleep for heaven's sakes.

You're probably right. This poor body deserves more rest than it's been getting.

Plus, there's no better place to let down your walls than wrapped up halfway between waking and dreaming. It's an inherently innocent, vulnerable state, and what the fuck kid I think you're bleeding into the aether here, there's another A word for ya, also this body is yawning so yeah I'd say close this up for now. Sorry kid.

No, you're right. Head's too tired to write poetry anyway. This sort of mindstate both mandates and precedes being poetry.

Even better. And kid, I have to emphasize, I'm not the only person in the audience.

What audience? You're all part of this poem. This isn't performance art. It's just art. In and of itself. Ourselves. Ourself.

…Jay. If you don't close this up, I'm going to drag your daemon in here, or your husband-wife-cryptid-dude, and then you're going to have no choice but to conclude this talk and start speaking in a different language.

I'd take you up on that offer but I'd rather beat you to it.

Heheh, that'll work too.

I love you dearly, Laurie. Thank you so much for always being here for all of us, with your strength and wisdom and honesty.

Kid, thanks for keeping me alive to be that for everyone, yourself included. Thanks for being a light to me. I love you too, damn it, more than I can get myself to say.

Will poetry work?

Eh, before I lose my nerve, I'm gonna say let's find out.

Beautiful. Let's find out indeed.

See you in a few minutes, then?

Inevitably.

Ha! And don't you know it.