081917

 

 

11:59 am.

 

please remember:
WE DON’T EVER HAVE TO GO "BACK."




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TWO binge eating alters???
one boy, one girl

boy ISN'T jayce?? CLOSE though. maybe brothers. bleedover?
looks like kid in the subeta avatar version.
but this boy eats and eats and doesn't have any shame or thoughts of repercussions??
ALL the eating disorder alters have NO THOUGHT TO CONSEQUENCES, and even if you do tell them, they can't comprehend it. like you can tell this boy that no, he can't eat a gallon of ice cream and twelve tortillas, it'll hurt and he'll get horribly sick. but he'll just smile and laugh it off and eat it anyway because he literally CANNOT grasp the concept of food having consequences after the eating.
have a feeling this poor boy is going to have to endure a razor-caliber realization event and it's going to hurt like hell but it NEEDS to happen in order for him to shed this toxicity.

girl has the "eating is slutty but I'm going to eat anyway because I'm just a filthy slut" devil-may-care feeling. vaguely like sharona, jezebel. but carelessly flippant.
literally doesn't listen to or acknowledge any guilt/shame on that because it's CRUSHING and she literally exists to eat without us wanting to die on the spot when we're like that. so it's a horrifically damaged anchor, but it's obvious that it was a vital survival mechanism at that old house. a heartbreakingly infuriating fact.

remember, the e.d. is TIED TO SEXUAL TRAUMA.
this applies to them, too

eating around others, even PICTURES of others, makes us feel like a dirty slut. swallowing food feels like a mortal sin, like a lewd scandal.
it's unbearable.

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SCREAMING/CONDEMNING GIRL VOICE
messy as hell hair

"YOU'RE FUCKING DISGUSTING" "YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF" etc.
saying the word "tortilla," ("YOU STUPID FUCKING DISGRACE, YOU SOUND LIKE A FOOL"), thinking about this evening on the couch ("NO! NO!! DON'T THINK ABOUT THAT!! YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A DIRTY WHORE!!!") etc.
she's TORMENTED. she's full of rage born from crushing shame and pain.


"I DON'T WANT TO BE HELD!! THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING!!! --YOU SLUT!!!"
why is being held disgusting
"YOU KNOW WHY!!!!!!!!!! IT'S WRONG!!!!!!!!"
How is that wrong?
BECAUSE THEY'RE TOUCHING YOU!!!!! SEXUALLY!!!!!!!!! IT'S DISGUSTING AND WRONG!!!!!!!
Being held is not sexual. You hold babies, for heavens sakes.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!! SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THAT IS TERRIBLY SEXUAL, SHUT UP!!!!!!!!! I'M GOING TO BE SICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tangled, long hair. wants to die. resonates with deadname, no surprise.
siren assumption?

ollie talking about kissing and infi

"YOURE BOTH DISGUSTING"
"you little slut."

and suddenly I realize there are TWO of them

and the latter one is jezebel.

...good lord. we didn't realize she, and the tar/plague by extension, still existed so solidly.
the very thought makes our stomach flip inside out

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"I want to die" "existence is so dirty and disgusting"
"I hate being alive, I feel so disgusting"
"how can you stand to let them love you when we're so filthy dirty wrong?"

made us throw up dinner because "I'm so embarrassed (a piece was dropped on the floor) I can't stand it; I feel so disgusting and wrong, I have to get that OUT of me" etc.

all of this tied to family toxicity and abuse
NEED to continue healing no matter how scary it gets.
that place is gone, gone, gone, gone FOREVER
we have to scrub that muck out of our guts and leave it all behind for good



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phone notes =

0819 15:55

NEW SPECTRUM COLORS!!
AMBER, GOLD, EVERGREEN, MAGENTA, SILVER?
COPPER???
check leagueworld files, FEEL OUT RESONANCES.

COLOR TRIADS
change from single resonances.
HEART/MIND/FORM COLOR COMBOS???
THINK TYPECODES!! ♥

COLOR REALM STRUCTURE CHANGE
floating??? global connections, not just two each.

"NEW" NOUSFONI ROLES
intercessors, redemptors, endurers, formspacers, bodyguards, relivers???
"tormentors" possibly being referred to as "persecutors" as that's a legit psychological term that seems to fit

feeling a HUGE unitive shift on the horizon. big entry on that needs to happen soon.

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11:00 pm

 

today.

moving out of the family house FOREVER.

and moving in with the broken arrows.

----------------

we woke up at like... 4am.

the flight was gorgeous. since we were leaving so early (like 6am), the morning fog was rolling off the rivers and surrounding the mountains. and the sun was just rising, so everything felt magical, pale indigo-silver and warming golden peach-pinks. it was beautiful.

JESSICA-- we think-- began to panic and sob uncontrollably (upstairs) as we lifted into the air. she kept looking back at where our family house would be, looking at all the familiar landmarks below-- the church, the garage, the shopping center, etc.-- and realizing this may be the last time we see it. or, if not, it will likely be years before we see it again.
she couldn't bear it. she missed our grandmother so much she was choking on her sorrow. she was begging us to reconsider, to go back, "please let us go home," telling us this was wrong, we were abandoning our family and our religion and we were being bad and stupid and selfish and blind and we NEEDED to go back to our family.
patiently, worriedly, compassionately, we reassured her. we showed her the memories of the past week, the past month, the past year, the past several years. we showed her that times now are tragically VERY different from what she remembers. her memory of life, notably of the birth family, is STUCK in like... i dont know, 2004? 2006? i have no idea. but it's at the time when the yellow light in the kitchen was warm, not a warning. it's when our grandmother laughed and sang and danced with our grandfather to polkas in that same room, did jigsaw puzzles on the table, made pizza on saturdays and watched lawrence welk on the tv and everything felt perfect and beautiful and loving.
but... as we showed her, then and now, she shocked us by saying she DID know how things were now. but she couldn't accept it. the grandmother now, depressed and controlling and panicky and angry and toxic, was NOT the "real her" and Jessica was dead convinced that if we left that woman now, she'd die. she'd lose ALL chance of "returning to who she was." according to jess, it was our love that would save her and heal her, and if we left her... all was lost.
i will admit, our stomach bottomed out as we considered this. but then we realized, just as nauseatedly, that we HAD been doing those things. we never stopped loving her or caring about her.
and yet... when we came back from the sideways trip, she insisted we hated her. that we hated everyone. that we hated god. no matter what we did or said, she wouldn't change her mind.
jessica can't accept that. not entirely. it's too painful.
but... she at least admitted that it was true.

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airport.

lying in bed with oliver.
on porch, just sleeping on the cat pillow.
lying together on the couch.

nat and leon kissing ollie
infi and I cofronting a bit, feeling like that ink

"I NEED MY WINGS"

phone tarot readings, asking god to speak through them. SUPER ACCURATE.

going to eat lunch with oliver and mason! really awesome.
fried perch, fried okra, etc. extremely good, very happy about that

anchor and fishhook bracelets.

trying super hard to eat a good dinner. ALMOST made it.
then someone forced too much and we felt dirty and wrong and that triggered an abusive binge meltdown.
but god knows we tried. we really tried.

also god knows we needed this to happen because we LEARNED A LOT FROM IT.

tons of shame about the simple act of eating. especially talking about it.
"messy" meals are automatically deserving of damnation, essentially