May 22nd, 2017

 (Chaos Zero, 100%. ♥)



outside, in some sort of town square area, loose crowd about, seemed nervous but not agitated. i was looking for Chaos Zero-- i "couldn't find him" but i had this strong feeling that he was supposed to be with me there. 
as i was worrying about how to find him, the crowd anxiety picked up-- big planes flying overhead, military? thinking of "what really matters if I die now," settled on GOD. brief existential depression feeling, worrying if this meant loving anything BUT God was "wrong," but the thought was making me feel sick. pushed it aside. 
made a "hand phone" call to my dad, while still looking up at the sky, feeling determined now in the wake of that upset. immediately asked dad if he had seen my "partner" as i couldn't find him-- then said that was too paltry a term & flat-out called him my "wife-husband."

next thing i remember, i went in building nearby, japanese fellow "as" my dad? with a bunch of kids? hugging them & reassuring them of safety, re-directing them to new homes? I think I asked him about Chaos too. he didn't seem to grasp english too well but i somehow got the point across and he said no. scene was all very vague and confusing. i was starting to worry, feeling the fabric of the dream getting surreal, and went back outside.

began walking through crowds in the square again, looking around at the scenery and trying to figure out where to go next.
THEN suddenly, from this old "Sonic Unleashed"-esque stone gothic building in the square (reminded me of this in terms of general shape and structure), Chaos Zero rushes out looking around-- he sees me, exclaims "Jewel!" and runs over to embrace me. I'll never forget the look on his face.


(next bits blurry)
suddenly, "lugia" balloon crash? from over fields to left. hits bouncy castle thing full of kids, at the edge of the square? started looking like a boardwalk. Chaos and I getting the kids out & sending them to hide in this "below-groundlevel" garden area behind us? parents looking for them, but they were unkind? kids did not want to go with them, they were very scared. I remember genuinely considering "adopting" 2 little boys; one had gorgeous sunset-amberpink hair

then going inside somewhere (after kids?) holding a shark-bag?? literally a purse thing but it was a literal shark. bizarre. building inside looked like UPMC hospital groundfloor (chapel one) crossed w/ aquarium and the "boyle" house on dishonored? big spiraly stairwell going up, i was singing some "crooner" song that was REALLY gorgeous & sweet; painting Chaos & Robotnik on side of stairwell? like a mural. Chaos had this thin beaded necklace of sorts (very long, wound about hands) as a "weapon"?

-outside by old fam restaurant, guy parking his motorcycle; snowy out, "sprayed it w/ glass" to "lock" it up? my dad was there, laughing at how that was such an unneeded extra expense that new tech required? he took the spraycan and sprayed my back with it, "drawing a design"= orange-white, like bleach; white monkey-mouse thing on cross? crucified. smiling serenely, a demon being "forced out" of its lower reproductive area? nearby woman said it "represented what was happening to me."

then in a dining room in church basement, like OLotE parish; supposedly still UPMC. digital clock on wall kept skipping, rewinding, resetting time. it was tuesday's lunch meal= pizza, chocolate ensure, a salad with ranch dressing. i had an extra combo-snack exchange to use and asked for Doritos but somehow I "couldn't" eat them due to the messed-up time constrictions? i stayed after when everyone left; clock skipped back several times to impossible numbers= 72:36, -91.55, etc. numbers began to degenerate into broken symbols and then the clock died. i mentally asked celebi if she could "sneak in" and "rewind time" for me to before the meal began, so i could actually eat it at a wise, slow pace without rushing to meet a "broken clock;" unstated conception of celebi being able to "HEAL" that flow of time by the simple fact that SHE "touched it," even just to rewind it. oddly it also felt that the digital clock hadn't affected the present time flow in reverse, BUT had effectively rewound itself to "prehistoric" times? i actually felt worried about it, as if it were a conscious entity.

time did rewind-- assumedly celebi did so remotely; i felt her presence but didn't see her-- and now everyone else was eating but i was standing up at the far left of the room, against the wall, the up-stairwell behind me. chaos zero was there in front of me, looking exhausted like from worry & work, but joyful and relieved to see me... that sort of "profoundly grateful" quiet joy he shows. i kissed him but he returned it in honesty, whereas in last week's dream he was too sad to return it despite honesty-- and that deep love in my heart (oh how i missed it so) became so gorgeously brilliant that it hurt and i remember half-mumbling that "our hearts needed to be inside each other" because nothing else would accomplish the transcendent intimacy my entire soul was desperately seeking then. so we actually did try a soul-merge (overlay-style; body-of-light concept) and i recall there were a few people nearby giving us looks but i paid that no mind; all i knew, and all i was, was love.

upmc papers 01

(no date; would be referred to in journals)

★ eat the lasagna IN ONE PIECE!
★ eat the salad with the dressing!
★ eat every bite with TRUST and gratitude for health, healing, & God's great generosity…
♥ for love of His Creation
♥ AND your fellow patients… and,
♥ for forgiveness & reconciliation of this meal to our beloved Jessie.
♥ (offer your love & joy as prayer!)

(leave the painful past, enter the healed, free future of joy & hope ♥)

- TRUST like an open-hearted child
- LOVE like your heart is fit to burst
- GIVE THANKS for Creation's infinite wonders
- BE HUMBLE and let God work through you
- BE MINDFUL and participate in life's Goodness
- BE MERCIFUL and pray for the wounded
- BE FORGIVING of your flaws and other's flaws (we ALL need God!), and remember that God uses those 'flaws' for His Glory. Judge not! Only LOVE!!!

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(no dates; on first page of red SS book)

★DON'T EAT IN SADNESS OR BITTERNESS!!!
It will only destroy friendships & sow bad seeds of doubt & confusion & despair.

★AVOID CONDIMENTS as they CAUSE this!! ↑
forgive them though; they simply aren't meant for you! that's OK!!

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★LET THE LORD FIGHT FOR YOU!!! Only He can!
Show up on the battlefield and don His armor & flag, but recognize that HE has the "weaponry!" HE wants you safe; HE will fight AND WIN, for HIS glory and praise and love and justice and righteous wisdom!

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★ to unfailingly befriend ANYTHING,
release it from all past chains!!!
Food, in and of itself, is PURE & INNOCENT.
STOP PROJECTING OLD PAIN ONTO IT!
That's unfair & unkind! God made ALL food Good & clean!

★If you're reminded of old hurt & fear because a certain food was there WITH you, recognize its innocence, and then let the food work to HEAL & FREE you by existing wholly anew in the NOW! The past is DONE & GONE. Make a new, free, Good future together!! ♥

★BE YOURSELF, JEWEL!!!
prayer & the Dream World purify EVERYTHING.

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(no dates; from first SS attempt)

self select goals! ♥

★CHALLENGE ALL DISTORTED THOUGHTS!!!

Remember: our ultimate, perpetual goal is to ACTIVELY LOVE ALL FOODS AS GOD'S CREATIVE GIFTS! His Spirit is in ALL things, without exception, and EVERY food item EVER comes from HIS HANDS.
Food is GOOD and INNOCENT, and I WANT to love ALL of it!!

★ We WILL be eating foods here that we don't "have to" outside-- mostly snacks.

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(unknown date)
(AFTER ashen woke back up; references nousfoni!!!)

Finding Alternative Thoughts
Mental filter: Am I only noticing the bad stuff? Am I filtering out the positives? Am I waering those 'gloomy specs'? What would be more realistic?
(Notice the Good TOO; see the WHOLE picture, pos & neg-- and LET GO OF LABELING; put on 'specs of CLEAR LIGHT & WISDOM; see ALL!)

Mind-Reading: Am I assuming I know what others are thinking? What's the evidence? Those are my own thoughts, not theirs. Is there another, more balanced way of looking at it?
(Change your own thoughts to what you'd like to hear from others to help you grow Good)

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QUESTIONING FAMILY DISTORTIONS

1) "Why do you think fat is ugly? What's so bad about it?" etc.
★ASK YOURSELF THIS, TOO!!!

2) "She's so fat-- isn't that disgusting?" "I look so ugly when I'm fat" "I hate all this flabby skin"
"I hate how disgusting I look when I'm fat" "Her face is so pretty-- it's a shame she's so fat"
"I didn't like his girlfriend-- she was so fat! Why couldn't he have picked a prettier girl?" etc.

conclusion: "fat" on bodies is inherently ugly/shameful, AND THAT defines a person's WORTH (+prettiness" CURSE)

PROVE IT FALSE:
1) "Babies are SUPER fat; are THEY ugly or bad?"
→a) ("No, but they can't help it!")
"What if 'chubbier' adults can't help it either?"
("Yes they can" + "They should eat healthier, then" + "They should exercise more")

→b) ("They'll lose it as they grow up.")
"What if they don't? Would you judge a chubby kid so condemningly?"
("They should eat healthier, then" + "They should exercise more")

RESPONSE TO BOTH:
"What if they ARE eating healthier and exercising, and are STILL chubby? What if it's GENETIC? What if it's their NATURAL build?"
("That's a shame/ too bad/ so sad")

WHY???

^ THIS IS TYPICALLY WHERE THEIR ARGUMENT COLLAPSES INTO OPINION ONLY!!!
CHALLENGE IT!!!

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★MY fear= the FEELING of looseness/ "weighed down"

→ Stay in shape, simple as that! REMEMBER THE YOGA GIRL!
→ TREAT FOOD WITH RESPECT, BOY!!
It is GOD'S LIVING CREATION, GIVING itself TO YOU, so YOU can live, BY IT'S LIFE continuing IN you!!!

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★Get "fat" role models!! (MEN, TOO!)
★REMEMBER= "fat" is only "bad" if it's the result of OVERINDULGENCE &/OR SLOTH= but even then, it JUST IS, and it is NOT condemnation! You CAN lose the 'ill' weight!
★Make a list of POSITIVE fat/ chubby/ big/ round qualities, ESP. in culture/ Bible/ ART, and keep that list close to remind yourself that GOD LOVES FAT, TOO!!! (He MADE it!! for a PURPOSE!)

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(unknown date)

Making the Connection worksheet

★Predisposition affects your reactions!! (and it CAN be changed for Good! ♥)

"Set your heart & mind on what is Eternal" ♥

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Activity directions: Read the following scenarios and write-in your own self-statements that lead to the feelings listed below.

Scenario #1: You arrive home to find a note from your roommate that s/he moved out. You look around and see that all of her/his belongings are gone. And furthermore, you realize their half of the rent has not been paid.

Feeling: Angry // You say to yourself: I am frustrated at having to pay that extra amount BUT it is what it is. They left this abruptly for a reason; they may be in poverty/debt and saw no other "non-scary" option to face the rent. I forgive them and wish them well. I'll check on them and make sure they're OK, and see if I can help.
«DEFUSE THE ANGER!!

Feeling: Hurt // You say to yourself: Did I do something harmful to them to motivate this? I am truly sorry, but I understand this response. I forgive myself for my foolishness & now I will heal those wounds by reaching out & apologizing to them, and doing what I can to mend our relationship if possible.
★SOOTHE THE HURT!!

★★DO NOT "ENTERTAIN" THESE TOXIC THOUGHT PROCESSES!!!

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Scenario #2: You just finished cooking dinner for you and a partner. Your partner calls to say that s/he will not be home for dinner because s/he has to work late.

Feeling: Disappointed // You say to yourself: I understand. At least now they have a good dinner for when they get home! I'll ask if they'd want to share it with me then, or rest first & share it tomorrow. I'll support them either way. I'm just so grateful for their existence!
★ RELEASE THE DISAPPOINTMENT!!

Feeling: Concerned // You say to yourself: I hope they aren't overwhelmed with work?

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(unknown date)
(after ashen wakes up, after "I don't want to go home" revelation)

Worksheet: JUDGE

Statement/Belief: what's on trial?
→ "The curse of free will" (the capability to disagree)

I HAVE to go "home" & become what other people tell me to be, even if it's harmful/ unhealthy/ painful/ etc.; "asserting" differing wants is morally corrupt & WRONG

Rate your belief that this is true (0-100%): 98%

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Look at the evidence for the DEFENSE and the PROSECUTION
("What is the GREATER TRUTH?)

THE DEFENSE
What tells you this statement/belief is true? What hard factual evidence is there?

- saying "no" hurts them terribly
- my own decisions bring regret & foolishness
- obedience is true freedom, from selfish ignorance
- my #1 responsibility is my family & community
- we MUST deny ourselves to be Good
- I don't know any better & my "sadness" is stupid

Summarize the defense's comments:
Your "feelings" cannot be trusted. Feeling "rebellious" or "hurt" or "sad" or "scared" is a LIE, trying to turn you away from Good Obedience. Be humble & do whatever you are told-- making OTHERS happy is TRUE happiness.

Rate your belief in this summary (0-100%): 98%

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THE PROSECUTION
What tells you this statement/belief isn't totally true, all of the time? What is opinion and what factual evidence is there? Consider what others (witnesses) would say.

- I cannot "make" anyone feel anything?
- I am capable of making wise, healthy, "satisfactory" choices
- Obedience does not mean blindly following ALL orders w/o prudence
- There WILL be times when you're alone; are you your responsibility then?
- "Denying oneself" doesn't mean "annihilating" my identity??
- You can LEARN, and sadness is an "attention" sign-- check cause & is it merited?

Summarize the prosecution's comments:
Your "feelings" betray some conflict-- find it & build harmony instead. You WANT to obey but "think YOU know what's best for YOU" and you DON'T. BUT you ALSO know what things are flat-out harmful? Make others happy but SMILE sincerely & don't destroy YOUR life to do so?

Rate your belief in this summary (0-100%): 75%?

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Review the Evidence & Judge's Summing Up
Find a closing statement that is based on the evidence, realistic, rational and balanced.

When you "resist" an order, ask WHY you're afraid to obey, and QUESTION THAT FEAR (with GOD, and Laurie too) until you figure out what is TRULY GOOD to do-- which might STILL be total deferential obedience, and typically IS!!

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(unknown date)
(after mother phone call meltdown)

How to Handle Anger-Provoking Situations

"In this group activity, you will learn how to change the way you handle situations that make you angry by asking how members of your group how they would have dealt with the circumstance now that they have learned about anger management."

1) Describe a situation in which you became upset. What happened before, during and after?
→ Mom called & started talking & asking questions nonstop, & I felt overwhelmed & accused & panicked-guilty.

2) What could you have done differently in that situation?
→ Answered her instead of clamming up, realizing that she doesn't mean to upset me, AND CHOOSING to respond in humble love regardless. Focus on FRIENDSHIP, FORGIVENESS, LOVE, & SERVICE (self-denial) for GOD'S glory!!!

★ "Hurting people hurt people"; bandage your wounds and then BANDAGE OTHERS

3) Describe your situation to the group and ask for suggestions on how you could have approached the circumstance differently.
→ All in tablet! ♥
- focus on positives to defuse it
- ask questions to "reality check"
- find the self-directed humor in it & laugh it off
- actively talk it out with her (in LOVE & HUMILITY)
- if too much, ask KINDLY to leave, explaining WHY, and calm down!

4) Test out these suggestions the next time you enter an anger-provoking situation. How did these suggestions help you? What would you do differently the next time?
→They UNSHACKLE ME and free my heart for PEACE, LOVE, & JOY again!!!

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(unknown date)
(after elinor seizure)

CORE MINDFULNESS WORKSHEET: PRACTICING NONJUDGMENTAL STANCE

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1) Identify a judgment about yourself, someone else, or some situation.
"I am angry at/ scared of Elinor because of her panicked trials AND how scared she was last Sunday for unknown reasons"

2) Describe your reasons for letting go of this judgment.
-She is INNOCENT of blame; she was suffering from fear and needed LOVE
-I WANT to truly love & care for her as a FRIEND, like when we were talking outside
-I don't like how ugly this weeping-anger & absorbed fear feels

3) Replace the judgments with descriptions of facts, consequences, and/or your preferences about this.
- Elinor was scared on Sunday and did NOT want me to be scared, too
- I got scared & upset because I felt guilty that "it was easy/ enjoyable for me" in contrast
- I blamed her for feeling "obligated" to "fear" that meal, too, to "share/ take away" her pain and fear
- SHOWING PEACE, LOVE, COURAGE AND FEARLESSNESS would HEAL HER FEARS!!! ♥

4) Practice accepting the nonjudgmental descriptions and letting go of the judgments. Identify any words, actions (e.g. relaxation), body postures, or imagery that helps you let go.
- Breathe deeply! Remember, "do EVERYTHING for the glory of God"
- "let your actions inspire others to PEACE & HARMONY"
- "do NOTHING that may make your sister stumble, but INSTEAD set an example of FAITH for her growth & hope by GOOD WORKS!!!"
★ God created food INNOCENT; let it remain so! ♥
God LOVES Elinor as his daughter,; let Him love her more THROUGH YOU!! ♥

5) Remember not to judge your judging!
Let go of whatever hurts-- give it to God, and BEG Him to fill me with His Grace & Love & Virtue & Wisdom instead, for HIS glory!!!

6) Describe any changes you noticed in your acceptance or your emotions as you practiced nonjudgmental stance.
Everything flows. Peace & relief & hope & joy flourish.
LOVE STANDS IN CONQUERING VICTORY OVER ALL!!! ♥