lately may16

saturday 0521
mass: nathaniel singing, also most everyone else in central. knife vibrato

sunday 0522
no memory.

monday 0523
no memory.
at night, reading "boxers" by gene luen yang. deeply upset by all the violence

tuesday 0524
assumedly went shopping? bought date coconut bars, thought they'd be "good to have on hand" but this was stupid because dates and coconut both make us sick, esp. sugar. this was just more compulsive blind obedience to "other people's wants and expectations"
reading "saints" by gene luen yang. remember the JESUS pages. straight to the heart in both message and staggering headspace relevance. actually brought me to tears, first time in weeks if not months that something actually moved me

wednesday 0525
slept for 12+ hours. spent most of evening cooking and cleaning.
church at 7pm. gospel "I don’t understand but I believe/ trust you, God" = FAITH
at home, praying to saint gemma and jesus, revealed problem of sugar, tossed
felt really awful about this whole thing.
main issues= treating food as "enjoyment" (disgusting whore) or a "concept" instead of FOOD

talking to jesus:
"I created you to have a heart that seeks to know me & walk in my ways.
when you do not live according to how I created you ^, of course I "don't know you;" you don't even know yourself!"
("it's like wearing a mask, child, & forgetting who you are under it. I know, but you are introducing yourself as the mask instead, & I respect your choice to do that, even though it breaks my heart to lose you so")


(add other things?)

talk about INFINITII lately. something big with hir over the weekend? minor but big.
spending a lot more time with hir in any case.