may 30 2016

Day 1 of being Jessica again, as I was originally, as I don't properly remember yet but as I need to be.
God said, we can't "go back" to being who we were before Christ. We need to move forwards. "Remember Lot's wife" is the message I keep getting. Don't look back. Trust in God, let it ALL go, and keep walking forwards along the path He is guiding me on.

I need to be brave. I'm still an awful sinner BUT I do not want to continue in that old, awful lifestyle. I do need to be as a child again, but NOT as the child I was,because back then I was still brazen, and disobedient.

I didn't remember until lately… as a child, I was a liar and a thief, terribly so. I'm ashamed to admit that those bad habits have lingered to a fair extent, and maybe that's why those vices are being so horrendously inflated as of late? Maybe God's trying to get my attention big-time by making those unhealed sins impossible to ignore anymore. I think so. So, now I cannot run from those sins, I cannot deny those sins. I am ashamed and I want to stop acting that way. With God's help and grace, I can. I cannot do anything alone. But God is guiding me by the hand, leading me out of Sodom, and God knows that with ALL MY HEART I do not ever, ever want to look back.
Deep down, in my truest core, I will not look back. I know this. I have no desire for anything but God when you get down to it.
I'm fighting programming and falsehoods is all. I need to begin introspecting again, examining my conscience thoroughly and with unflinching honesty, and healing ALL those vices completely, for good, with God's help, with the help of His angels and His Blessed Mother and His Son and His Holy Spirit and all the words of the Bible he guides me to and all the intercession of the saints should I seek their intercession as well. (I should but I'm scared; mainly it's the terror of seeing my own sinfulness in stark contrast to their achieved goodness through God, and feeling damned to stay bad in comparison?? It's a dangerous, weird, inexplicable habit and it needs to STOP IMMEDIATELY but until I can destroy it, I need to be prudent in praying for anyone's intercession but God's. No "middlemen," even though I love and admire the saints. It's just that, currently, when it comes down to bringing me into it personally, I'm still battling the knee-jerk reaction to paint myself as an irredeemable sinner (false!!! God is calling me OUT of that!!) and so until I can see myself in the light of hope, as someone CAPABLE and ABLE of following The Way, AND DOING SO, I need to be careful in interacting with people.)

…I opened this document really because there's an article I'm reading, about Christians standing up against "Secular Humanism" in its godlessness, and there was a paragraph that hit me like a spear in the chest-- saying we Christians cannot be separatists. We can't just say, "God is all that matters so let the world run itself to hell." That's not LOVE!!!
And that's scary, because it's so tempting to abandon everything. It's been what I've felt CALLED to do for the past several MONTHS now. And that's why I'm scared. I still can't tell, in some cases, whether or not the "messages" I get and the "voices" I hear are truly from God. I think maybe stuff is getting lost in translation, wires are being crossed.
Here's the gist of it. Lately, I've been told to "donate everything I own to the poor and dedicate my life to prayer and thanksgiving and sacrifice and charity." And on one hand, I WANT TO.
Here, let me talk about that a little more disjointedly so things flow out of my head better…

I put all my CDs and movies in a box today, to give away.
I put all my books in a box earlier this week, to give away. This includes my books on writing music and drawing, because "that doesn't matter, only God matters."
I'm putting all my plushies in a bag to donate (not sell, I was told to DONATE even the expensive ones because "you will only use the money on evil desires." Well I DON'T WANT TO, so why do you keep telling me I WILL??? Maybe I'm still battling those blackout-period vices, that is true, but God can't you continue to help me there?? If the cash is going straight into my Paypal, can't you lead me to donate online to a good and worthy Godly cause?? Why do the "voices" tend to feed that kneejerk mindset of "I'm EXPECTED to do wrong" that only makes it harder to persist in virtue because the messages I'm convinced are from ANGELS are telling me I am HELPLESS to do good and WILL persist in sin???? I know human nature is sinful because of the Fall, BUT if I'm trying to be reborn as a Christian here,


…I think I've realized something important. I have to be Jessica, AND Jewel Lightraye. The latter is a title, remember!!
I'm still a kid at heart, too. THAT NEEDS TO STAY. Yeah the body is 26, I know that. But at heart, I need to stay a child. I need to stay pure and innocent and trusting and imaginative.

…This article is saying, "We have to make a difference in society so that we can make a difference for God and for Christianity."
Does that include my creative work? Or is that a waste of time because it's "not God?"
I'm so scared. People keep pointing me towards the parable of the talents, saying "if God gave you this gift, USE IT for His glory," and then the voices in my head say "no, donate ALL your art supplies, stop writing music, stop writing stories, it's blasphemous, it's wasting your time; give it ALL up and dedicate your life to Christ alone."

My question is, yes we are living in a fallen world, but can't I live a life dedicated to Christ and still enjoy the gifts he has given us??

…I guess that's why I'm scared, because my heart is saying no. No, you CAN'T enjoy the things you want to because they're a waste of time.
All those music CDs? Waste of time. I already know the movies are, even if I enjoyed them as a child, because amusement/entertainment is sinful and if there was anything I enjoyed within it, it was because it reflected something OF God, like gentleness or joy, and as I said before, no more middlemen.
All those books? Yeah, they're instructive, but they take weeks to read, and I feel I just don't have the time… and that the effort would be wasted anyway. If I'm going to die in a few days, let's say, why in the world would I waste that time learning painting techniques or orchestral structure, instead of getting closer to God? Pictures and pretty music won't save the world, and they won't save any souls.
…But… but art and music did help to bring me closer to Christ.
"No they didn't," the angry angel voices say.
Yes they did, I meekly and fearfully protest. Look at Punch Brothers. Look at FROST*. Yes, some of that was outside of "my" individual experience, what with the multiplicity thing…


…That's the biggest question, always.
How does the multiplicity I experienced for most of my life fit into Christianity?
"It doesn't," the angry angels growl. "It was a lie. It's only you, and all of that was a falsehood designed to take you away from God."
Really? Really, when that Spectrum was built on virtuousness, and was capable of more love than I have EVER felt personally?? Really, when they would pray together CONSTANTLY, when every gain was attributed TO GOD, when they wanted nothing more but to heal the deepest vices of this soul WITH GENTLENESS, and then to do the same through example and patient humble words to those around them?
Really??? You're going to tell me that in a System where Infinitii and Xenophon and Knife and people like them exist, with someone like Laurie who STILL chases away EVERY DEMON I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED with her presence alone…

…It's 11:11.

God I don't know what to do.

"Go back to them" was the instant quiet reply. "Go back to them and live virtuously with them. Live in this world but don't be of the world. Guide people back to Me with your work and your words. Don't get lost. I will guide you. Just listen with your Heart."

…

I miss living like that, you know?
Yeah, I do want to donate most of the stuff we own. Honestly I probably will give away my art and music books (if my brother can't use them), because I do not like having possessions the way it is and the clutter disturbs me as well. But I'm not attached to that stuff. I WANT to give it away. The lingering concern is that I want to give it all away partly because I don't want the responsibility of dedicating so much time to developing my creative skills, because I feel it's worthless. "It's not worthless," the quiet voice says again; "I gave you those talents to help people. Help people,” comes the gentle but stern order.
…Do I need the books to do so?
"Not necessarily, but don't abandon the effort needed to grow either. Put the work in, and I will help you."

See, this is better.

Honestly even when I ask about donating everything I own, the answer is essentially "please do give away what you don't need, but if there are one or two items you are truly fond of, you may keep them IF you are clearly aware that they are temporary and you WILL have to leave them someday."

It all boils down to what Jay discovered, really. We love concepts and get tangled up in things, and it's not truth. The only possessions I would LIKE to keep, at least temporarily, are…

- the music CDs dad gave me, and the few I'm fond of, BUT if I got an iPod I could easily toss them all… BUT even then I'd have to accept that if I lost/ donated/ broke the iPod it'd all be gone anyway, AND if I die it can't come with my anyway. I guess all I'm saying is, "am I allowed to enjoy music while I'm alive here?" and the answer is "yes, but don't become attached to it. All the music that brings joy to your heart is but a dim reflection of God's love." And that's true, I know that… it helps keep things in perspective.

Really the only items I'm truly fond of are my three main plushies, which are ALL ANCHORS and so if I'm just aware that they're kind of stand-ins for souls that exist ELSEWHERE, I can leave the plushies as well. But it's nice to have them currently.
Again, "just don't get attached to them."
That's really the key. De-cluttering makes it easier, as does self-analysis, but it's even with vital items like clothing (don't own more than you need, donate the rest, don't be vain!). It's all turning to dust in the end, so be grateful for what you have, share with those who have not (and GIVE to them whenever possible and prudent), and keep your eyes on God above all else no matter what.

And, again, with the concepts versus reality… losing the giftart we have of our beloveds, and all the LeagueWorld work… yes it would sting, BUT it's just material reflection of something that exists BEYOND the material, and even then, everything was created by God's hand so you have to be willing to let go EVEN of those things, not valuing them over their Creator. And I can do that, too… the hard part is not doing so out of rejection. There's an awful knot in my heart that can easily spit on the world and claim it loves God as a result. God created the world, not the fake world of mammon, but the true Earth with its beauty and colors and music… all the little kaleidoscope pieces that I do adore, AND recognize that God is GREATER than ALL of it because HE MADE IT. So that gives me courage. "There are better things ahead of you than anything you may leave behind." I've been getting that message a lot lately, too, along with "Remember Lot's wife." Together, the message is clearer and easier for my heart to follow with joy and love.
Fear of the LORD is the beginning of Wisdom, but I think the true fullness of Wisdom is to be found in the love of the LORD. Keep His Commandments because you love Him, and you WANT to do Good for the sake of Him and His people, for the salvation of souls and the glory of His holy and beautiful and compassionate merciful name… not because you're just terrified out of your bones at the awareness of your sinful nature and the sinful world and every moment of your day is fraught with the horrors of hell.
I mean, it is important to keep the reality of damnation in perspective, but I think there's a problem when that fear swallows up your capacity to love. I know I'd do a LOT better if I focused on love instead of terror. If I just thought, "God is Love and I want to serve that Love with all my heart," and thought that at all times, only choosing actions that were loving towards ALL, INCLUDING MYSELF, choosing to be gentle and kind and honest because my heart was overflowing with those things, and because I WANTED to be like that… if I chose that, which I want to by natural instinct, all these awful sinful habits would just disappear.
…But I'm living lately with the constant thought of "I'm a filthy sinner, I'm a thief, I'm a liar, I'm no good, I used to be an adulteress, I'm impious, I'm unjust, I'm cruel…" and the more I think that the more I ACT that way EVEN IF I DON'T WANT TO, because that's the feedback loop that's keeping me trembling in abject fright every moment of every day. And the more that gets burnt into my head, the less I'm able to love.
It's a filthy trap that the devil set, I think. I need to get out of it.

That's what I'm trying to do with holding on to "headspace" and the LeagueWorlds. There's so much love there, it's a good message, but I'm just terrified that because it's not pure undistilled GOD, it's wrong. I'm very scared about that.
…But I cannot deny the goodness God put into those things.
"God didn't put any goodness into them," the angry angels start to shout, faces contorted with rage. "There is no goodness but GOD and those are a pale reflection of it. Leave them behind."
…
Leaving them behind and turning to God alone still feels like burying my talents.
You all know how that servant was treated, even though he thought he was doing what was right, because he was acting OUT OF FEAR.

Leave me alone. You have never treated me with gentleness or kindness or the softness of love, and in fact you spit at those things as "unneeded" and say I'm "undeserving of them."
Are you even capable of being soft? Are you even capable of the love you claim to express in your scathing judgments and orders?
You might be telling me to do the "right thing," I know. But I still feel that blind fearful obedience pales in comparison to freely given, joyful obedience through love.
And that latter sort of obedience is what I am NATURALLY CAPABLE OF DOING, AND NATURALLY INCLINED TO DO, except you voices keep stepping all over that instinct of mine, claiming I'm awful.
…I find it very frightening (and very relieving) to realize that as soon as I tune into that loving mindset, those angry angels disappear. I can't even find them, I can't even guess at what they would say, when I shake my head at them and just think about how much I DO love God and WANT to do His will.
Yes, I'm still a sinner. Yes, I still have a LOT of work to do. But God loves me, He created me to want to reciprocate that love and I do. I just need to live it more completely, more actively, more consciously. That's what I'm working on through gradually and gently but unrelentingly cleaning up my/our life here. It's easy, that's the ironic part, despite all the work and reading and sheer time and effort that goes into it.
"For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." It really is. Love is effortless, and when all you want to do is follow that, well then obeying the Commandments is just as effortless, because Love is from God and if you live in love, true honest love of God within all things as well as without… I think you'll be okay.


I'm glad I started writing this. I do need to finish reading though; I tend to start too much and not finish, and now I have like fifty tabs open and I'm mentally exhausted. But I know God's only giving me what I need. I just have to be diligent and patient with this.
Even with that, in the end I will die, but this knowledge at least will help my soul. So, again, I must be longsuffering and trusting in the meantime.