081615

make a list:


"does this action/ thought/ etc….
lead someone TOWARDS God
lead someone AWAY from God?
allow evil influences to take root?
AM I AWARE OF GOD IN MY DOING THIS?
DOES DOING THIS CHASE AWAY AWARENESS OF GOD??
etc.

basically,
"is this thing that I am doing HELPING my heart glow in likeness to GOD?"
"is this an action taken out of true righteous just compassion?"

trust your heart.


ALSO.
SIT DOWN AND ABSOLUTELY GRILL YOURSELF WITH QUESTIONS.
"WHY DO I HAVE THIS THOUGHT"
"WHY DO I NOT QUESTION THIS THOUGHT WHEN I HAVE IT?"
LETS DO THAT NOW, ESPECIALLY WITH THE SEXUAL PROBLEMS

★★I feel guilty after using sexual energy EVEN IF I am honestly trying to use it for positive, loving, spiritual purposes BECAUSE
1. I KNOW that it is NOT what I am looking for, to express love.
2. I KNOW that true, deep love DDOES NOT REQUIRE SEX AT ALL.

3. I KNOW that I can't even attempt to use sexuality without rerouting EVERYTHING through my heart! Therefore why am I even trying to bring other things into it???

So. I feel guilty because, even with best intentions, I know I am selling myself short.
I know I am not really expressing my love honestly, because if I have to dissociate, depersonalize, and hide in order to do this, then it is NOT honest, it is NOT a clear expression of love. It is sadly misled, it is a big fog over what is truly trying to be expressed here.

In truth, I KNOW that REAL LOVE and intimacy is through the HEART. And I am fully capable of doing that.
However, something is getting in the way, and it feels like crushing fear, and I think I know why.
1. In the past, sexual abuse was NOT dissociated from until it became "a trauma to escape from." But even then, it had bodily closeness! So, in some part of our subconscious, ALL bodily closeness might be triggering that knee-jerk fear.
2. Similarly, all bodily closeness feels like "setting the scene for sex" which makes me immediately dissociate and start acting sexual robotically, OR… it makes me panic, cry, sob, and burn with desperate hurting rage. It's sad but it's true.

So. We NEED to fix that. "Intimacy (of physical space!!) CAN HAPPEN without sex!"
We need to practice experiencing THAT CONTEXT INSTEAD.
It's going to take time. But Chaos 0 can do it, I know, for one. His anchor plush is sanctified and he won't hurt us.

But there's anger/fear tied to HIS name. I think it's because of 2011 and the past.

 

a man among amens

 

SESSION PARTICIPANTS
LAURIE UBERICH JAY IRIDOS LYNNE STABELLE KNIFE


this is an extremely heavy topic.
please use discretion when reading.




Kid, if you think we need a Xanga, let's talk.

I don't know. I want to but the body is so tired, so fatigued, it's too sad and exhausted to do anything. But it's dissociating. It's ALREADY slipping back into a non-caring, self-abusive mindset.

That's bullshit.

Yeah. But I'M pissed now, too, and pardon my language, but I am. I mean… we just got HACKED, FORCIBLY, by God knows who, and now in their wake we're bleeding and sobbing and scared and some… some idiotic social fronter decides "hey you know what's a good idea? Blanking out and bingeing!" BULL SHIT.

Jay, calm the heck down, you're slipping.

I'm sorry. I'm getting too vivid.

Yeah, no kidding, you're like a firestorm going off over there. Too much light, kid, you're binding yourself.

…I'm so tired.

So am I, Jay. We all are.

May I speak with you?

Sure, Knife, jump right in.

Thank you. Jay.

Yes?

Are you aware of who is responsible for these repeated hacks?

Are you?

…No.

Neither am I. All I know is that they feel like Jacinth.

Again?? I thought Cel killed her!!

Headvoices, even horribly abusive ones, don't seem to die until their purpose is fulfilled or no longer needed. And for some God-awful reason, these numb "take it for the greater good" fronters keep coming back and existing and I don't want them to. But… that's the stupid mindset keeping them here, pardon my ableist language but I don't know what other word to use.

Asinine.

That works. The mindset keeping them around is completely useless and abusive and…

And?

And it's horrible. I'm just too shaken up to roll off a list of negatives. I'm sorry, Knife, I got carried away with words there.

It's all right, Jay. …I understand you're scared too.

I am. But I'm mostly heartbroken and furious and tired. It's an awful feeling.

I know.

…Kid.

Yeah, Laurie?

What do we do, right now, about this? We've gotta take some sort of step here to stop this.

I'm threatening them. Atonement doesn't faze them, even though that's not the point of atonement, Knife, I know. Atonement is about…

Evening the balance. Purging the wrong that was committed. Bleeding out the taint.

Yeah. All that. But… we cry from it. WE hurt. It's exhausting and depressing. The hackers, they just don't care. It's not fair, as we've all said before.

So what do we do? You said you were threatening them? How?

No internet, is the first thing. Those damn hackers love the Internet. Well no more. You mess around with the body, then guess what? You're locked out of our computer for 24 hours now. It's a start.

Kid, is there any way to block them from using our computer in the first place?

Not that I know of? I've tried, God knows I've tried, I delete all their stuff when I find it and I try to block websites, but… they find ways around it.

Yeah, I was afraid of that.

So what do we do?

He just told you, dude.

No, I mean… if they find ways around internet blocks, are you afraid they'll find ways around the internet ban?

…Probably. I mean if they're hellbent on hurting us they will. But I'm taking EVERY precaution in the book, Laurie you know that, and the results HAVE been amazing but…

About that. Yeah I know we're still slipping up. But it's different now, kid, it's so bloody different that's why we're all lost. Can we talk about that?

How it's different now?

Yeah. And, as I was going to say in the first place, how it's real freaking hard for us to get hacked at ALL now. Like anyone. Even if it doesn't feel like it.

…Yeah. We can talk about that. Have we before?

Probably, in some terms. But kid, we've gotta talk about this with the therapist. And you haven't really spoken to me about it personally, not like this. Not like you. …You're usually cut off from all this torment for your own personal safety. But… God, kid, you're hurting bad from this. You're splintering so freaking bad. 2011 hit you hard and you just… never seemed to recover. I am so sorry.

For what, talking me out of suicide?

No. For not realizing that it only looks good on paper. For talking you out of something that wasn't actually the problem. For not realizing how bloody traumatic the actual event and its repercussions was to you. I thought… God I couldn't understand what you had actually experienced, I only saw what I could see, and yeah it helped clear things up, you always had the right motivations, but… that's the final nail in the coffin here, isn't it? Gold intentions are still paving a path to hell.

…Yeah.

So I'm sorry. And I want to make it up to you, and CZ, somehow. This is a start. …Teach me how to be your protector again. Just as brutal as I once was, if that will help you. Anything you want, kid.

…God, Laurie, I just…

…?

…I love you and I don't know what to say. I just want to sob. I'm sorry too.

Kid-- Jay, it's okay. --I mean I understand why you're sorry and I'm glad you're apologizing and I accept your apology, but… don't hate yourself for it. That's the problem I'm having trouble grappling with here, is that I can't hate you, because I see you're not doing this out of hate--

I'm NOT doing this!!!

…I'm sorry. You did it once. At least.

…did I?

As far as I'm aware, kid, even if you splintered to kingdom come afterwards. You tried. You tried with the goldest intentions in the book. Solid gold, your heart and actions both.

If I did what you're saying I did my actions weren't gold they were pitch.

…I don't… kid, you didn't want them to be, the only reason that hell happened is because you were trying to turn lead and tar INTO gold, not the other way around.

…We've talked about this so many times. I accept it. I know it. Why is this is still happening?

You know and accept what?

I know that these "attempts" are NOT what we want, it's the "looks good on paper" thing, I get that now. I accept that I had good intentions and still screwed up. But…

But?

…But I'm scared. Because some part of my-slash-our psyche, way deep down, is still absolutely freaking paranoid that the only way to God is through sexuality, and I'm terrified to say it's not, because I can't see another option. Not in the way they're telling me it has to be.

"They?"

So many religious people. Christianity. Mormons. Pagans, too. Gnostics. New Age people. Everywhere you go, people are touting sex as the "most beautiful experience known to man" or some garbage and I just want to scream because God, if THAT'S the most beautiful thing to you are you even living LIFE??? I just… I'm so scared. "Am I doing this wrong," et cetera. I don't want this, Laurie, and it tastes like blood and acid in my mouth admitting that it's happened, it's happening, it makes me want to choke to death on the guilt because I'm close enough already, maybe then this will stop… but then there's that childhood panicked terror again. "If I die, will they make me come back as a prostitute? Or as someone who LIKES sex? Then what will I do??" I'm terrified, Laurie, I know it sounds stupid but after all this trauma I don't ever want that. I'm so freaking terrified that when all is said and done and we're six feet under, all our work will be for NOTHING and everything I've ever loved will come to naught, because I'll end up reincarnating as a guaranteed-real whore this time, and I won't even care. I'm terrified.

Kid, I really think you need to talk to a priest or somebody about this, get a religious perspective firsthand on your fears about the issue. You're just taking stuff in and not voicing your own position.

How long has this been going on?

A long time, Knife. Since I was born, at least, God only knows how much earlier.

……Shit.

…Holy smoke did you just swear?

*nods*

…Geez you must be just as upset as we are about this. No, sorry, that was a stupid thing to say, of course you are--

No, Laurie, I understand. I don't say much, I don't understand much of this, I don't have the experience that you do. But I care. I care more than I know how to express, about all of you. I want to help. But… what can I do? All I know is blood, and…

Healing. You're a healer, Knife. Remember what you did for Waldorf this morning.

--But what good is that against this, Laurie?! I can't kiss away the pain that's tearing him apart from the inside! I can't… I can't heal something that old.

Have you tried?

…How would I try, Laurie?

Geez, I dunno, I'm just… grasping at straws here. I'm just as desperate as you are. But… *sigh* Asterisks. Kid, compassion goes a long way. That's why I said I can't hate you. That's why I don't want you hating yourself. Knife, same to you, don't hate things, it'll kill you, make you rot from the inside out. Don't hate things.

It is difficult not to hate this, Laurie.

I know, but anger and rage don't necessarily bunk with hate, y'know. I'm bloody furious at these hackers but-- and that is a huge disclaimer there-- I don't hate them. Not since Julie. Not since her. I can't hate anything now, not really. I just… sometimes I'm afraid it's made me weak.

It hasn't.

Heh. Good to know, thanks kid. But yeah, see what I mean? Little things go a long way. We're doing a hell of a lot better now than we used to, even with this hell going on as it is, because we're compassionate now. We're still determined as hell but at least we're not batting for the other team when we don't realize it.

They run on hate?

You bet your ass they run on hate, hate and apathy and ignorance and pride and all those ugly vices.

Laurie.

What?

Sorry to interrupt. But "the shadows are deepest when the light shines brightest." Remember?

Hey, yeah, you're right. And we--

Yeah, lately we're brighter than ever. Literally. So the shadows are trying to choke us. Strangle us.

They're not succeeding, are they?

Nope. They never will. I refuse to let them. I'm hardcore serious about that.

Heh, good.

So, Laurie…

Yeah?

You said a little bit of compassion goes a long way? Towards whom?

…Well, when I said that thing with "have you tried," I really meant towards Jay. How you were wondering how you could help heal him. But really, Knife, there are a ton of other nousfoni in this System/ Spectrum/ whatever who are damaged, and a lot of them are kids, and I KNOW you vowed to help protect them--

I did!! I did. …I'm just scared, Laurie.

Of what?

That I won't be able to help them.

Have you tried?

…Not as well as I should have.

Then keep trying, man. I have faith in you, okay? You're the sweetest man I've ever met, barring Jay, possibly Leon, hell everyone up here is sweet as candy, who am I kidding. But you take the cake, man. I've got faith in you and your color and your abilities. If anyone's got the means to heal these kids, it's you. You and your compassion, and your undying desire to help them even if you don't understand. You listen, don't you?

I always listen.

Then there you go. Be open, be kind, be compassionate, be forgiving… don't be hateful. Be pissed off, be protective, be vengeful maybe… nah, don't be vengeful. Kill 'em with kindness. I don't think the Tar or Plague can even get through that stuff, can they Jay?

No, they really can't, that's a good point. It's why Jewel is so good at fighting off hackers when she's out. She's lucidly unmovable in her morals, they can't budge her, she knows what she wants and it's not what they want and she won't let them touch her or anyone else. But she's not hateful. She's too nice. She gets angry, but… you know I am worried about her. She's been getting bitter lately.

Don't let her. Bitterness is toxic, kid, you know it.

I do know. But I don't blame her. We just… she's trying too hard to combat this with kindness. She's sowing seeds of brightness where these hackers are sowing salt, trying to kill everything. She's really really trying, but she's as tired and exhausted as we are, just as sad and angry and hurting. But she won't give up. We won't give up either.

That's good, to hear she's doing her best. I sincerely appreciate her help in this, I mean it's not her job, but--

It is her job when it touches the Leagueworlds.

…I forgot that's the hackers' new old focus lately.

Yeah. I'm furious. I'm actually livid at how unjust and cruel and utterly uncaring this is.

No kidding, It'd take one heck of a stone-cold heart not to be.

So. Laurie.

What's up, kid?

Uh… what's our topic?

Hacking methods. Why it's not working and yet still "working" for lack of a better term. What do we do about it.

Motives.

Yeah, religious ones.

"For lack of a better term?"

You know what, smartass, you describe them, I said you were better at words than I am.

Haha. Um… the unintentionally harmful religious mindsets we internalized that are strongly feeding into these abusive patterns?

See, there you go.

He is good at them.

Told you, he's right up on a limb with Sherlock with those things.

Nah, Sherlock doesn't even have to think about them, really. He naturally talks like that. It's really refreshing actually.

Mister structure.

It is! But yeah that's probably why.

Heh. So where do we start, order man?

Uh… hm. That's complicated, this is such a twisted topic… what's our main concern as of today?

Why the hackers keep targeting Leagueworld people, and why people like Jacinth are letting it happen instead of fighting back.

Well, with Jacinth-- hello, Lynne.

Ah-- I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?

Just a Xanga session, wanna jump in?

Uh, sure, if you have room for me. What's the topic?

Hacks, unfortunately.

Hm. Needs to be discussed, I suppose.

Yeah, no kidding. You don't have to stick around if you don't want to.

No, I should be more informed on this issue. …After what I've endured.

Oh. Oh God I forgot. I'm sorry.

…It's all right, Jay. I know you don't want to remember that either.

Lynne, are you still recovering from that?

Of course I'm still recovering, Laurie, I haven't even coped with the incident yet!

Should we start there? I mean, no, that's pushy. I want to help you heal but maybe that's too raw yet.

…It is. You said we were discussing hacks? The general System ones?

Yeah, the ones Jacinth is responsible for, mainly. At least at first.

Isn't she the one who was with Celebi? I thought she was dead?

So did we. Apparently not.

Shit.

Whoa, careful Lynne, I don't want you slipping--

I know… I know. Sorry, Laur. It just hurts.

…I understand.

…Lynne?

Yes Knife? Hello, I didn't see you there, by the way.

That is all right, I kind of blend in with the dark, and you were preoccupied. So…

…Yes?

…I am a healer. I don't know how to use it well yet. …If you need my assistance, in any way, I am here for you.

Aw. That's sweet, Knife, thank you. I really appreciate that. Tell you what… when I'm ready to heal this, full straight, I will come to you for help. Does that work?

Yes, I… thank you.

You're welcome. I'm glad to help you help me.

Heh. Good to see some smiles in here, too.

It is. I haven't been smiling as much as I used to.

…Bacon pancakes?

Pff! Laurie, stop!

Heheheh! Got you to laugh though!

Haha, you did. Thanks.

Dare I say it. You two are adorable.

Thanks, kid!

Ahaha, what is that pose.

Bewilderment. Appreciative bewilderment is what it is.

Sorry.

For what, kid?

Getting off topic?

Nah, we needed some lightheartedness for a minute there. Now back to digging through the muck. We were at Jacinth?

How exactly does she hack? She doesn't exactly work for Jezebel or the Plague, does she?

Maybe subconsciously. But she's dangerous because she's one of the surrendering ones. "Do whatever you want through me," basically.

She's dangerous because she's self-sacrificial and it's motivated by a false mindset of "this is the way I have to show love" and… God I don't know, it's confusing. She's convinced that, if she loves someone, she HAS to "offer herself up sexually" to them because "that's the holy thing to do" or some nonsense…

Now where did that come from? 2011?

I think. Mainly, at least. It's old. I… I know it's okay to be asexual but I don't really believe it yet because there is SO much religious doubt surrounding it.

All right, topic break. Why?

Because I'm still afraid that being asexual-- AND celibate, which I still identify as no matter how many hacks we've survived-- is wrong somehow. That it makes me "spiritually broken" because "sex is a link to God's creative power" and "sexual union between two people taps into God" or some nonsense, I don’t even know, I'm scared.

So you think there's no other way to do that?

No! I KNOW there's other ways to do that! …But nothing so tangible. Nothing so easily accepted by the world at large, by science and religion. Laurie you know as well as I do that if we were sexual, we'd be gay as hell.

Lord, I know.

Heh. But… that's the thing. Even then, I can't fake it. I can't force it. I CAN'T. There is at least one human girl that I adore with my entire heart, completely unconditionally and distantly, and I would NEVER sleep with her because that's not important to me… except then the doubts come in. "What if, by some absolutely incredible stroke of circumstance, you married her? Then what?" Then… then the doubts come in. Would I have to?

No.

Marriage says you do, Laurie, that's what I'm terrified of.

Is this why you're scared of being with Chaos?

…

I'm sorry.

No, I… it's a good question. Yes. I mean we're not even married, not literally, but… but I adore him that much. I adore YOU that much, Laurie, we've effectively taken those vows of total devotion every second of our lives. But we're NOT married.

Kid, your point is?

My point is that I keep seeing "marriage" described as this profoundly holy sacrament, something that SOME religions claim is mandatory for "reaching heaven" or what have you, and I am practically BEGGING God for that to be symbolic because I can't, I CAN'T sleep with a man just to reach heaven. Except I'm terrified I HAVE to. Because "that's God's will."

Kid, that's bullshit.

Is it?

Yes, yes it is.

Are you SURE.

Yes.

How are you sure and I'm not.

Because… you're a good kid. This is making you miserable. And, like I've said, awful as it sounds and feels to you, you've TRIED. For the absolute best reasons you can think of. And frankly, kid, I think THAT'S what Jacinth is tied to, too.

She is.

Well there you go.

Slightly different way but it's the same roots.

Explain that.

I… I was always terrified that my love "wasn't legitimate" unless it was sexual. Which is bullshit, as you say, sorry for the language. I've since learned that firsthand. There are MANY kinds of love that are just as potent and sincere and real and they are NOT sexual, not should they EVER be. Like… love for Xenophon, my daughter, biological or not.

Halfway, I think, whether we like it or not.

…I need to talk about that separately.

Coping with that?

Yeah. After we talk about the nitty gritty of all this. But yeah, love from a parent to a child should NOT be sexual, EXCEPT would you BELIEVE I have found at least one source saying it SHOULD be???

You have got to be freaking kidding me.

No. I'm not. I wanted to vomit for HOURS after I read it.

Jay, what the heck are you reading that says all this junk??

I don't even want to think about how I found it, I don't remember and don’t want to look. But it was disgusting. It was a book, saying how… God I don't want to say it.

Would it impact how we are dealing with this issue, Jay?

Yeah.

Then perhaps you should say it, to help all of us.

…Yeah. Especially you, this is messing around with Pink something fierce.

Is it??

Laurie, this is some hellish book saying that effectively "it's not abuse to fondle children" and some hideous nonsense like that, saying a lot of aspects of mothering SHOULD be sexual and God it's disgusting. I am so sorry. I hope that's not the "universal truth" because it shook me up HORRIBLY and I do not want to think about it. At all.

No kidding, geez. I can see why. No wonder you're confused.

Jay, it sounds to me like you're psychically stockpiling all the conflicting perspectives that you read.

I am! Because I'm terrified, Lynne, that they're right. I'm caught in a neverending loop of doubt that is just fed by the fact that none of this has PROOF. Neither mine nor theirs. And until I GET "proof"--

Aren't we proof enough?

…Yes. To my heart, yes.

Then isn't that enough?

…God, Laurie, yes it is, but…

But you can't shake the religious fear.

I don't know why. Let's go back to Jacinth, get that topic done.

Sure.

Is that skipping something?

No. It plays into this if anything. Jacinth… her vibe data sticks. It's resignedly empty? Like a vague fog of sadness, and an inability to acknowledge her own existence. That's the thing about her that upsets me. She CANNOT love herself, because she CANNOT see herself as a person. At all. So when she gets caught up in hacks, she does so by "offering herself" as an OBJECT, as something to be used or consumed sexually, by someone that she deems "good enough" in a very positive sense. Like… it's always Celebi, for her. Always Cel. I don't know why, but it is. And Jacinth thinks, "she is deserving of love, her existence is good, I want to give myself up FOR her, so I will offer myself up to her in this way… because it will DESTROY ME and in the process somehow REDEEM my existence in the sacrifice for her greater good?" I know that's jumbled but that is exactly how I can interpret the data. That’s it.

…So this sexual nonsense is viewed as literally salvational, somehow. Is that a word?

Works well enough.

Good. Let me re-read that. …That bit, right there, bothers me. The destruction bit.

You notice that's an unfailing aspect to hacks.

What, the destruction?

The self-annihilation principle. ALL sacrificial "hackers"-- the ones we're calling "lost" instead because they aren't actively trying to abuse someone-- all of them just throw themselves into this because they believe they have no other reason to exist. They literally believe that their existence can ONLY be redeemed by psychically killing themselves in the process of "doing what I have to do." Does that make sense? Jacinth's existence as an alter is very minimal because she exists ONLY to have sex, in a depersonalized, numb state, with the hope that "doing this will be good for her and it will fix/kill me and then I won't go to hell." I don't know.

Kid, that's an abuse mindset if I've ever heard one. "I'm only good for sex." You're tormented by that too, aren't you, religiously?

…

Is he?

I. I don't know. Ask me some more?

…You want me to grill you on this.

Please. Please do.

Heh, sure. …God, how do I start this. What's a punch of a question.

Is Infinitii involved in this?

Ouch.

Yeah. Yeah, a lot.

Is that Infinitii's purpose?

What?

Sexuality. I know it used to be.

No, it was healing sexual trauma, through… oh. Oh God you're right.

What?

Daemons. They're always vices and virtues, both sides of a coin. Infi was… Infi showed up in a VERY religious atmosphere that was tied to… "yes you were sexually abused, but that filled you with hatred and loathing and violence. You need to heal that, let go of those toxic mindsets." And… and the only way ze knew to heal that was… was to remove the hatred from the source. Somehow learn to empathize. Somehow learn not to judge and hate others. Somehow be able to experience what people said I SHOULD experience if it really was "such a holy thing." God. It makes me sick and scared because in a way it worked but it didn't.

What worked, kid?

…I… I should clarify. It didn't "work" in the way we all thought it should. It's like we said, it only looked good on paper. But… how do I say this.

Spit it out, kid.

I "had sex" with Infi on April 3rd 2013 and I didn't hate her and I didn't hate myself and I actually thought I had "finally fixed myself" to do "what God wanted me to do" until it was all said and done and I looked back and realized I didn't feel a damn thing. I was still depersonalizing and dissociating and not realizing what was happening at all. And then I tried again and realized that even with Infi I COULDN'T have "physical sex" because it was STILL traumatic and I STILL DIDN'T WANT IT and I was terrified I was "rejecting God's plan for me" in being a human and I tried again. It was all religious. I was so freaking desperate to "fix myself." And Infi didn't feel any pain, I don't even think Infi COULD understand it from a human perspective, being what ze is…

But ze got hacked too.

God, ze did, and I will NEVER forget the absolute torrent of agony that impaled my heart that one night we heard hir wailing in the church. When ze realized ze had slipped in hir intentions and hurt someone. It was absolutely unbearable, I want to cry just thinking about it. It's unbearable.

Kid, keep going. You and Infi stopped that, a while back. Did you mutually realize it wasn't working?

Yes. I FINALLY admitted "this ISN'T what I want" and we looked at it and Infi realized "that context isn't what I want either" and it got really awfully shaky, kind of looking back and realizing that yeah, we HAD tried our best to heal our perspective on this, but… it didn't really work? The guilt was worse, the unease and fear was worse… really all we did was manage to really vividly highlight all the reasons why sex was STILL WRONG for us. So we stopped, understanding that. I'm sorry.

I know you are, Jay. We all know.

I can't forgive myself.

Why?

For not realizing this sooner. For being blinded by doubt. For not ever fully realizing, for YEARS, that I didn't want sex at all, not physically-- I wanted closeness, tangible physical closeness with a living thing, WITHOUT romance. I wanted blood, God I wanted bleeding I just wanted to leak my life into something, I wanted to melt into some greater thing so I didn't feel so claustrophobic in this damn ostracized body anymore, I wanted my heart to meld with another heart and I… I didn't need sex for any of that. God I've been so confused, for so many years. I'm so sorry. And yet the hacks keep happening.

Why.

Religious reasons? Confusion? They're targeting kids, Laurie, kids and innocent ones--

Children??

Yeah Knife, children. 11 years old is a child enough.

Who is responsible for this.

Whoa Knife, don't kill 'em in cold blood--

Laurie, why should I not?? They would do so to the children!!

…Jay?

What?

Verdict.

Uh. I've been thinking about the polarity of God lately. How we wore down our edges and it killed us instead. I say if you want to go bludgeon or slice a hacker out of existence go ahead. Please do. But don't do it in cold blood. Don't do it with ice in your veins and oilslicks in your eyes. Don't. Like Laurie said, you're only motivated to do this through compassion for someone else. For the kids. For me. For all of us in here. You want to protect people and keep them from ever coming to harm again. So sometimes, if the ones doing the harm won't respond to logic and love and persuasion, like Julie did, bless her heart… sometimes the bad ones just don't care. Sometimes they revel in their evil, they refuse to change, they will only hurt you forever. And it's scary for me, to admit that. It hurts my heart terribly to see some dark people up here and realize that, as things stand, they're only going to poison people's hearts with their evil actions.

They're trying to kill people, Jay. I cannot let them do that, in any respect.

Same here. But I hear you, Jay. That's where my hesitation came from. I became too hopeful.

Yeah. We think of Julie now, and Razwell even, Eros in a way too… we realize that no one's really condemned forever to being "evil." But…

But these hackers aren't doing anyone a favor by existing. So we take 'em out.

We have to. That's the bottom line. I was always so put-off by the descriptions of the brutal aspects of gods and goddesses in some religions, heck even in the Old Testament if that applies… "my God is a God of blood" and all that. I think. Basically the idea that sometimes even these beings of total compassion and love will come blazing onto the battlefield with a flaming sword, mercilessly cutting down everything standing in their way. It's in Digimon actually, I was reading about the angel ones again today, my favorites, how they too don't stand for any evildoing… it's tough right now but I think we need to do that.

Cut 'em down?

Yeah. Yeah, we have to. WITHOUT becoming cruel. We have to… do what Preludove did in JMUA, maybe? Do what Izephel did in Mage Angels. Death for the sake of life. I think? Is that the right wording?

Kid, there are hackers in this System who are screwing around with the lives of children and innocents and if we just stand around trying to talk them out of it, this abuse is just going to continue. Kid you've been trying your ass off for months if not years, doing everything you can to try and convince them otherwise, to try and change them. And I hate to say it too, but it ain't working, and your heart is getting tired. They're taking advantage of that.

We have to stop them.

And it's like he said. It's the last straw. I miss this bloody axe, I really do. I want to go to town on these jackasses, rip them to bloody shreds. …But I'm scared of that side of me, Jay. I'm scared of my potential to go Black as pitch, to turn into a force of sheer violence for the sake of violence. I could do it, and I don't want to. If I go chopping down hackers like trees, I want to do it like a forest fire. Because that stuff needed to go for a greater good. Not because I like watching things burn. Which I think part of you can relate to.

…Yeah.

…Laurie I am doing this to protect the children.

Do you want to take another life?

No.

What if it's the life of a hacker?

…Laurie, I--

Then we're in the same boat, man. You and I. Retributors with hearts too soft for our own good. We've gotta do this, we've gotta protect everyone else up here, but we cannot fall because of it. Do you hear me? Just like Jay said. I know it's a hell of a lot tougher when you're not surrendering to the rage that brought you here, but… seriously. Think of the bigger picture. Think of it like weeding a garden, for heaven's sake. If you don't weed these parasites out they're gonna choke everything else to death. Do you want that?

No!

Well neither do I. You wanna go do this thing, then?

Now?

Why the heck not? Jay, who are we after?

Who else? Jezebel and the Plague. In all their forms. That's what it boils down to.

...Shit. And that's why I always hesitate on this. You can't fight those devils.

You can kill 'em with kindness.

…Yeah, I did say that, didn't I. Sorry I keep forgetting.

Mindsets, Laurie. Things slip out of mind sometimes.

You okay?

I'm exhausted. But we both have a point. Kill them with kindness, sure. That’s my main job. It keeps them away. First and foremost, that’s what we should preemptively do. Because when we DO do that, it keeps hackers from getting NEAR us in the first place.

It does?

Yeah, love's a barrier they can't breach. It keeps us safe. Like I was saying, with Jewel. But…

But love's a definition they've mangled.

It's not true! They're liars and we all know it! Why do some of us believe them?

Fear, kid. Self-doubt.

Self-doubt is right. …Lack of self-love is right.

Like Jacinth.

You know, Cel was heartbroken when we talked to her about this, remember?

Yeah. That was surprising. She's confused too, isn't she?

Yeah. Mostly with companionship in general, through lack of understanding? Like she's not sure how to express what she needs, but she's so trusting and confused and hopeful, she really does care about Jacinth, she was just letting that happen too. But Jacinth couldn't truly love her, because Jacinth could not love herself, could not even see herself as a person that COULD be loved. Jacinth viewed herself as a sex object that was nonexistent when not being offered to someone as a "gift" because "I'm worthless in any other context." Which is so so heartbreakingly sad. And Cel said that too. "I want to love her but I don't know if that's possible." And she didn't know how, either, not like this, with Jacinth insisting sex was the only option but doing so emptily, and Cel just going along with the script and not ever feeling happy about anything either. I don't know, does that make sense? I've got a headache, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say.

Do you want to stop?

Yes and no. I miss this. I really do.

…I'm glad you're here, Jay. Talking to us. I know this is hard. I appreciate it.

God, Laurie, I love you, you know that right? The real love. I'm sorry I didn't come in here to talk to you sooner. I really do miss you.

…Kid, I know you do. All of that. And it's okay. We're here now, that's what matters.

…Leagueworlds. I really should say that.

…What?

How they're mangling the definition of love there. But Laurie, you pointed out earlier, how Jacinth's mindset is very much an abuse reaction. And I'm seeing that ALL OVER what the hackers do with the League.

What? Wait, how?

Psyche was the first one they targeted. They tried to make him a prostitute, someone who was rejected by society and could only feel close to others through selling themselves for sex. Monika was also targeted, she's asexual like I am but she's also scared of her dark and bitter side, she doesn't want to hate people. And they were targeting her, telling her that sex was how she could show that she loved people, and that's wrong. Now they're targeting EMILY, she's eleven, they're trying to make her compulsively sexual through overexposure to promiscuity and adult behavior in her youth, they're trying to screw up her whole life and that is UTTERLY REPREHENSIBLE and I will NOT STAND FOR IT.

Good. DON'T. Burn those bastards down.

I will. And I'll do so in whatever way I can without being hateful about it. I know I can. But you see why I'm so ravaged over this? It's all ABUSE. NONE of it has ANYTHING to do with love. Hell I remember way, way back years ago, they were targeting Jewel Monsters, remember?? Making it all obligatory behavior, "this is what love is," NO IT'S NOT. And it took YEARS to heal the people they messed with. I'm still personally shaking over it. It left awful scars.

…

So we're all healing.

Secondhand, for me at least.

Yeah, thank God for that, you never want to experience anything like this.

…You shouldn't have either. God, Lynne, I am so sorry I couldn't protect you--

Laurie, I didn't know what was happening, those mindstates are so foggy, I don't even want to think about it. Not right now, not like this. Maybe I'll come out in therapy and discuss it with the therapist, who knows.

You're pretty darn good at it, I say you give it a shot.

Well, if the rest of you guys wouldn't mind…

Hell no, I took up enough time with the last one, I say make up for it and take up some time too.

Lynne, therapy is for all of us. You too, Knife. Anyone is allowed out at any time, for any reason. Just be considerate and compassionate about it, as always. No stepping over anyone else, no forbidding other people from fronting, no fronting just to be mean or hinder growth. None of that. We talk to heal. That's it.

Sounds good, kid. But you know what also heals? Sleep. You desperately need it.

It's only 10:43.

I don't give a damn 2 o'clock is not an acceptable bedtime, especially not with your boss looking for you and work at 7. 8. You get up at 7, that's the point. 5 hours is not enough sleep and you know it.

…Yeah, I know.

You punishing yourself with that, or what?

…I think it is tied to guilt, yeah. Self-annihilation again? Staying up late, we lose our sense of "self," all identity starts to fade, time fades, space fades. Late at night we "don't exist." Broken and hurt people use it to cope. They start around 10pm and end around 2am and that's four hours of nothingness. Four hours of blissful "I don't exist therefore none of the scary things in our life exist." It's desperate erasure of experience.

We need to cope, kid.

That is coping, for them.

Ain't a healthy way. We need a healthy way.

To cope with what?

The fallout from hacks until we heal that entirely and no longer HAVE fallout OR hacks to grapple with. Kid, I want this hell to STOP, cold turkey.

So do I! The only reason hacks have been happening lately is because they're targeting sacrificial people, OR people who are abused, OR people with innocent minds who don't know enough to ask "well is this REALLY love or are you lying?" They take advantage of weaker, softer people now. It's no longer brutal force, no longer that sort of horrible stuff.

Someone did to Moxie last week, remember.

Oh God, don’t bring that up.

I have to. It happened, and that mockery of a mother is gonna burn first.

…You're right. There are still brutal, brutal hackers in the System. But you notice? They went after a CHILD, with LIES and sweet talk. They emotionally manipulated their victim to do what they want, through convincing them that doing what they wanted was GOOD and RIGHT and all that. It WASN'T. But… and this makes me sick too, Laurie, did anyone else hear what Moxie AND Simeon were saying after that?

Geez, I forgot they attacked Simeon…

She hurt Simeon?? That little boy???

Not directly I don't think, but enough. He feels the other children's pain anyway.

…

I'm sorry you have to hear this, man.

No. No, don't be sorry. This is fueling my resolve.

…

They were so confused. "Mommy said this makes me a good boy/girl but it makes me feel sick and I want to die." Moxie took a razor to our arm. She's freaking eleven, tops. Simeon too. And she wanted to die from how distraught she was over that psychological conflict and physical terror. I don't even want to think about what Ashen holds.

…Yeah. I don't think any of us asked.

I have inklings. But the memories are horrific. One day she'll have to open up to heal, but…

Wreckage will handle it. She's her support.

But it'll be hellish.

I didn't say it wouldn't be. Just that she'd need someone to lean on when it all came pouring out. Like you.

…

You've got a hell of a lot bottled up in yourself, kid, from all your splintered past selves and all that. You still didn't talk about Chaos 0.

I can't. Not now, I can't, my heart can't take it.

Don't force him, Laurie.

Hey, he said to grill him, I'm gonna grill him if he wants.

Was there another topic first? It is getting late.

Go back and look, kid, your concentration blur is playing havoc on data access right now.

…Hacking methods was first.

Leagueworld corruption? Targeting kids, innocents, abused people, and confused people? Targeting you through religious confusion? Hell, you're not the only one like that, are you? You said Jacinth was afraid of "going to hell," so…

I think I'm the only one it's so vivid for. But those are… hacking methods are surreptitious, manipulative, and forced now.

Basically, emotional manipulation, like you said.

Yeah. And religious. And tapping into abuse mindsets, like "you're only good for this, so…"

And the only reason that works is because the people they're targeting are lost, hurt, confused, empty, desperate to feel loved or approved, et cetera.

Yeah.

We've gotta heal those people first, then.

I cannot heal emotional wounds, I do not have that sort of power.

Infi does.

Infi's dangerous.

Why the heck are you contesting Infinitii's suitability here?

…Infi understands too much? Infi knows the hackers are wrong but Infi is also the kind of being that struggles to see anything as totally black or white. Ironically. Like me.

…Still. I think you should talk to hir about this, this whole conversation. Righteous anger and all that.

Yeah. We used to have that, ze and I, we lost it somewhere along the way, with all the hurt.

Get it back. I'll help if you need me. We all will.

Thank you, Laurie.

Anytime, Jay. Now, you're sleepy. Other topics?

Why hack methods aren't working yet still "working"…

We just said that, we KNOW they're pitchblack lies but the ones being targeted are plagued by doubt and self-loathing and all that.

Also depersonalization.

That too, that's very important.

How so?

They enter a fog, almost. It's like… they're not really aware of who they are, where they are, what they're doing… I think it's their way of "coping" with the situation they feel lost in. Like these girls that feel they are only good for sex. Are there any boys like that?

Not in the same context. The girls treat themselves like objects to be offered. The boys… there aren't many of them? Because they get pushed into instigative roles and automatically that gives them a right to say no. I think?

Do you count as one of those boys?

Maybe. I don't know.

Do you say no?

…I want to. I don't because I feel that's wrong for some reason.

Do you feel obligated to be sexual because you're a boy, or at least a demi one?

…Maybe subconsciously? It's why I don't go online anymore much, there are too many fake feminists saying "all men are pigs" and such and it eats at the back of my brain.

Ignore that, it's total garbage. But guess what, no man is obligated to be sexual, and no woman is obligated to be submissive to it, and no one PERIOD is "obligated" to sell or sacrifice themselves in ANY way for ANY reason, without exception. Capisce?

There's doubt in the way of that.

Religious doubt?

Yeah.

Why the hell is it religious?? I thought your religion said "no sex until you're married or you're going to hell."

But, if you don't get married, you're screwing up big time.

Why?

Because it's this super-holy sacrament of "divine union" and so, so many sources say it's "mandatory" for reaching heaven or what have you.

And you're praying it's metaphorical.

Yes. Desperately. But I don't know how that would work.

Kid, I think you intuitively know. Unity of opposites? Shadow work? Anima/animus? Doesn't all that stuff apply?

Well… when you put it that way, yeah. But sex always worms its way in there, somehow, because they SAY it should and so I get paranoid and scared.

Because you're afraid you'll be damned if you don't?

I'm already damned 'cause I did.

No you're not. Look at Mary Magdalene, she's the one you keep looking up to with this, isn't she?

She stopped being that once she met Jesus. I'm the idiot who somehow convinced myself that… I don't know.

Stay on that thought, I want to see you finish it.

…I've… we internalized this weird belief that at some point, to truly be good, we had to have sex with someone of the opposite biology in the context of marriage. We were told it was inevitable, it was mandatory. But that example with Mary, that's under the impression that "Jesus" told me to STOP doing everything and everything sexual. Except, again, I've found too much garbage online saying the opposite.

Like what?

Like… that at some point Jesus got married and had children, or that he had secret teachings about sex or some stuff like that. It scared me. Because… it felt, again, like that was an inevitable fate for me, AND you know what the real fear is with it?? It's like I was saying earlier. With that girl I love. With Infinitii. With Chaos 0. With you, for God's sake. Everyone I adore so deeply and genuinely and truly that I'd give my life for you, I'd live my life for you, I'd do anything for love… except I can't do that, as it were. And that scares me. Because… because if I HAD to get married and have sex, then for God's sake I don't want to do so out of fear and loathing. I don’t want to enter the inevitable event shaking in my boots, wanting to scream or die. I don't want to end it wishing I'd never met the other person, wishing they were dead, wishing I was dead. I don't want that. And THAT'S what Infinitii and I were trying to fix. And… and in a way, that's the only thing that worked.

Didn't it work with Chaos?

…I… yeah. Yeah, it did. And Genesis. But that was because of explicit, explicit depersonalization, and tweaking of the context. "They were blameless because they only ever held the concept of it." We never DID anything like humans would. It got as close as possible, because damn it I tried and they were the only two beings in existence that I loved and trusted enough to attempt something that terrifying with, God knows it almost annihilated our relationships entirely but somehow, somehow love won out, except for me. I still, still can't entirely forgive myself for trying, because I screwed up. I should have known better.

Do you know better now?

Yes and no. Yes because every damn attempt has failed and I've had enough damn attempts to know, far too clearly, why it doesn't work and what I DO want and everything. I know. But. I say I "don’t know better" because part of my brain is STILL bloody convinced that "God said you have to do the physical part of it too" and God I don’t want to. I don't. I've TRIED. I don't want it. Even with people I love, even when trying WITH love, no matter what, I can't… I can't. I cannot do it. I don’t want it even then. And that's the curse I'm scared I'll never be able to fix. I CANNOT have sex, ever, and have it be entirely consensual. I cannot ever fully consent. Do you see the problem? No matter what, EVEN in a theoretical loving marriage, even then, I cannot consent to sex. Even if I TRY to where it could kill me. I can’t. And that scares me because I've been told too many times, by too many people, that I HAVE to have sex anyway AND that if I don't do it with love, I'm going to hell.

Whoa, hold up. That last sentence is new.

It's old. I don't know if I've ever discussed it so explicitly. Infinitii brought it into the open, that was the real thing we were trying to heal after everything else was cleared best we could. No matter what, no matter what, I could never love myself in the process. Hell I would do ANYTHING for the people I adored, except… except the problem is that included destroying myself if I was convinced it would genuinely benefit them.

Aaand that's Jacinth. Holy swords.

Wow.

Yeah, it is. That's her root, apparently. I… Laurie, no matter how gold my intentions were, no matter how much I loved the other person, no matter how much ardor and devotion I was feeling, no matter what I was willing to do… the instant, the very instant sex is brought into the equation, I dissociate. No matter what. Even if I'm trying so hard to do it with love, as everyone has told me I must do. Hell I can't NOT, I don't experience sexual attraction, I don't experience lust, so how the hell am I going to have sex anyway?? As a personal sacrifice. As an act of self-annihilatory devotion. If I can't want this, if I can't understand this, if I can't even feel this… I can at least try, out of love, because I have to, for their sake. Do you see?

Oh my God. This is… this is exactly what all those lost kids are from. How did you never bring this up before in a session, or an entry, or--

I didn't have you grilling me.

…Ahahaha, if that's what it takes I'll get George Foreman up here to help me from now on.

Jay, you need to bring this to the therapist.

That's what I said.

I agree. Jay, if you need me to speak, do ask me. I will try my best.

Knife, love, if you want to talk, you come right out and do that. I'm not standing in your way.

Ah. I was… afraid you were hesitant in letting me out.

Gatekeepers, man. You've got a heavy overlay and if the ego isn't out of the front seat, it feels totally freaking jarring and sets them off. Body needs to be empty for people to properly front, which means no one policing the doors.

Ah.

Basically, if someone's in the way, tell me, I'll shove 'em out. Then you just waltz right in.

Are you still that irresistible when it comes to fronting?

I beg your pardon?

I mean. Can you still punch your way through any gatekeeping? I know sometimes you have trouble in therapy, so…

Stuff gets weird, kid. I move in but they won't let my overlay lock in, or someone is standing with their entire body blocking the doorway. Usually Jess. Is that her name?

Jemma's twin, yeah.

Her twin?

How does that work?

Not sure, but it's basically been confirmed those two are two sides of the same coin. Anger and sadness, really. Rage and resignation.

How does Chocoloco work with that? Is he both their daemon?

I think so.

That's interesting.

Daemons usually are, man. Hey, any name for Markus's yet?

No, she's not said a word, and I haven't looked for her.

Huh. Anyway, that's not the point here, kid, it's 11:30 and you still have to color this.

Oh geez, you're right, I do.

So. Ladies and gents, anything else to add to this, or are we done?

Seeing as how the channel's already shutting down, I think we're done.

Oh no you don't. Sherlock, make that thing stick around if you have any say in it. Knife?

Yes Laurie?

You feeling a little better, man? I mean like less distraught, for the time being. I'm not saying bury your emotions, I'm just saying… You're not getting crushed by them right now, are you?

No, but I'm positive I would be if I felt them fully.

…Jay?

What?

Should he feel them fully or what?

Yeah. I mean if you think you can, then yes. Let them out. Don't bottle stuff up or bury it, that just makes it worse.

…I think I will leave then, Laurie.

Why, where are you going?

Out. To the Underground main area, with Razor, perhaps. I feel she needs to cry, too.

Oh geez, yeah… yeah she's really torn up, I think. Go be with her.

I will, Jay. Thank you.

For what?

For giving us a chance. I am grateful for it with my whole heart.

…I couldn't not give you a chance, Knife. But you're entirely welcome. I love you too.

I know you do, Jay, I know you do. …So. I'm off.

You need me you just call me, okay?

I promise I will. Lynne?

Yes?

I would say the same to you.

Hm. I'll keep that in mind, Knife. Thank you.

Perhaps you should cry, too?

…I don't know, maybe. Laurie?

Yeah?

Would you mind if I ended up a blubbering mess?

Heck no, I'm here for ya, whatever you need. Knife, you have a good night, man, say hi to your sis for me.

That I will, Laurie. Thank you. Good night to you too.

Man. I told you he was the nicest thing.

Laurie?

Yeah?

I think I'm going to take you up on that offer.

You need Knife? Want me to get him back in here?

No, no, just me and you for now. I need a friend. Someone who really knows what I've been through. And no offense, but I don't know Knife very well yet. …And you've seen things he never will.

Point taken. Jay?

Yeah Laurie?

Looks like we're closing this up. You want to join in here, or have your own catharsis with your people?

You are my people, Laurie. You and Lynne and everyone else up here.

Your monster people, you dolt. But I do appreciate what you said, thanks.

Heh. Um… I should? I really should talk to Chaos more outside of falling asleep and waking up. He's just so fragmented too.

Does Genesis help with this? He's been abused too, if I may be so blunt. Sounds like you both could use some mutual catharsis lately, especially if he's had a part in this "trying" torture.

…Yeah. Yeah, we probably should. Except there's nothing to forgive?

I didn't say that, kid, I know you don't hold anything against him. I said cry it out. All that stuff you told me is unbearable? Try to bear it for a little while, long enough to burn off the heavy edge. Hell, Infinitii would help you with that better than anyone if you'd feel safe around hir.

I didn't mean what I said earlier, about hir not being safe. Not like that.

I know, kid. I felt that was a knee-jerk phrase for you.

It was.

Well, I could tell. But the point stands. I know Infi's deep as a bottomless pit, or a wishing well of the same caliber. Endless. It's overwhelming. But, as I said, it helps when it comes to taking swords out of your heart.

…

If you need me to do that with you later, kid, I'm all ears. You just call, I'll be there in a heartbeat. Promise.

I know. Thank you, Laurie, I love you.

I love you too, kid. Absolutely. And Lynne, I love you too for what it's worth, don't you ever forget that.

I won't Laurie, you make that sort of impossible.

Well good! Good to know my obtrusiveness works in my favor sometimes.

I'm more obtrusive than you, I thought.

You kidding? I'm always getting into other people's business. It's my job. I am obtrusive as all hell and frankly I love it. Gets me outside.

Gives you a social life.

That too! See, benefits all around.

You're loud and brutal and sharp and I love it.

Good. I won't ever change.

Please don't.

Cross my heart, kid, and call me out on it if that ever wavers.

I doubt it will.

Still, I'm holding you to that. I've got faith in you too, kid.

…Thank you.

So do I!

Heck yeah, she's our resident Healer of Faith, remember?

Uh, yeah, that's the joke.

Ssh, Lynne, I knew that. Point is, metainomenai. That's cool stuff and we haven't been paying attention to it lately. Think it's relevant here?

Could be. It needs to be a fully internalized phenomenon first thought before it begins working fully again.

Makes sense. Still. Knight of Truth and Healer of Faith here. That's highly relevant to this situation, I would think.

I think I need some truth too, Laurie.

Such as?

Such as I'm not as big of a screw-up as I'm afraid I am with this.

You're not. And you just admitted it to yourself, you notice?

Heh, yeah, I guess I did.

You did. Which means deep down you know it. You just have to believe it now. Healer of Faith. You gotta do that for yourself too.

Okay. I will. But really I think I need to cry this out first.

Point taken, you've been bottling this up for weeks. Jay, you need me to send you off or are we good to close this up as-is?

No, we can close up. I don't want to make you wait any longer to unload, Lynne. I know it's like the weight of the world on your shoulders.

It really is. Thanks, Jay.

Hey, um… as a friend, a dear friend, I do love you too.

I know, Jay.

You do?

Yeah. In your own little way, you show it clearly enough, and I don't doubt it.

That… means a lot to me, actually. Thank you.

Same to you! Now get outta here, I've gotta bawl on your best friend here.

Heheh, okay. Laurie, make sure she's okay when it's all said and done.

As okay as she can be, absolutely. You can count on me.

Good. That's good. I'll go talk to someone too. After I color this.

CZ, possibly. You really do need to talk to him more, kid. That's a topic for another day.

Yeah, it is. I'll see you later then. Lynne, I'm sorry you're dealing with this, I wish you well.

Thank you, I need it.