XX

 

THE DEVIL PRETENDS HE IS AN ANGEL OF LIGHT.

THIS IS WHAT THE "OLD EROS" IS IN OUR SYSTEM

HE THINKS HE FEELS REAL LOVE BUT HERE IS THE QUESTION:
DOES HE CARE ABOUT HOW HIS ACTIONS AFFECT OTHERS??
CAN HE FEEL LOVE IN OTHER CONTEXTS??
NO
HE CANNOT

EVEN WHEN HE "TRIES TO DO IT THE LOVING WAY" IT IMPLODES
HE IS STILL WRACKED BY PAIN AND A FEELING OF VAGUE DESPAIR
HE KNOWS THAT WHAT HE DID WAS WRONG
AND NO AMOUNT OF SICKLY SWEET LIES WILL JUSTIFY IT


LISTEN
WE'RE MISERABLE
THE BODY IS TRAUMATIZED
I CANNOT LIVE LIKE THIS

THE WHORE WOMEN AND PROSTITUTE BOYS IN THIS SYSTEM
ARE NOT WHO WE ARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DEVOTE YOURSELF TO THE ONE TRUE GOD
WHO WILL NEVER DEMAND SEX OF YOU

AND IF HE "DOES"
GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

 

 

 

 

aug 18 2015

 

Oh my gosh I almost forgot today is Julie's birthday HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEETHEART.

 

We’re all so, so glad to have you with us, as part of the Spectrum at long last. 4 years strong already, that’s amazing.

 

Really dear I hope today was lovely for you; in any case we’re all going to have to throw one of our famous last-minute nighttime celebrations together now. Consider yourself warned!

 

Here’s to the rest of your life. It is absolutely worth celebrating. ♥


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@ 11:29 PM

 

so guess who's heart is absolutely overflowing with love right now

it's been a long time since I couldn't help saying "I love you" and that's exactly what I'm feeling tonight.
poetry needs to happen. let me open another file.


no hacks today. thank GOD. THANK YOU.
they've been daily for over a week now I think so this is amazing.


but. the most important thing.
god. i remember slc. just now. i remember it.
i REMEMBER it. october 2nd.
do you have any idea how momentous that is for me.

i have literally no default accessible first-person memories from slc. everything needs to be dug for.
but...
just now. i was sitting on the edge of the bed. holding chaos 0's anchor plush. totally absorbed in this sudden love.
i had my eyes closed and all of a sudden it hit me. all at once.
see around my workspace i have christmas lights. they glow rainbow in the dark.
green, yellow, pink... red, and blue.
and the color in the dark, the rush of ardent affection, the silence, the hot summer night.
all of a sudden i was there. one hundred percent. i was there.


god i really do miss those kids too, you know?
yes it is true that as far as timeline coherency is concerned, our current life didn't start until kyanos was born in 2013. february 26th.
so... 2012 feels like a past life, quite literally. those two kids, they feel like people we knew a very very long time ago, in a whole other world almost... and yet, we still knew them. we still loved them. we still do.
it's surreal, being able to still reach them, at least. i'm still not sure where that will end up. but it's nice.
even so. he's the one we need to thank for that event, the one i suddenly remembered, absolutely, incredibly.
i think that's why i miss being around them both. we all cared about each other so much. that's how such events could happen. it requried mutual trust and faith and compassion. and we had it. i am so, so sorry it got so mangled for a while.
i want to fix it. shocking, and unusual, and i don't know how, and i'm still not sure if it's smart, but... i do want to fix it.
spinny's been out lately. stuck in 2007, 2008. so is the one that we were calling "cannon" except the real cannon is tied to college art class and this one, this angry one, is not. but they're not evil. the more i see them and listen to them the more i understand what got broken and bruised, the more i have compassion and forgiveness for all parties involved, the more i understand how to heal this. how to move on. how to move forwards. it helps.

and then nights like this happen and i realize the same thing is happening for me.
all the old fears and doubts and confusions are just falling away like melting snow. just completely dissolving under the sun. under the warmth that never went away even despite the ice and cold. does that make sense?

i'm so happy. i think my heart is going to burst. this is amazing.


mel, i have to thank you for that one message you sent us via email. it started with the words "okay, i think i get what you're saying" and i've just been rereading that paragraph over and over, standing in brilliant almost incomprehensible victory over all the doubts and fears plaguing us lately, because-- because YOU said it, because you KNOW us from way back, because you said THAT to us with what you meant to us and what you knew of us... all in all, that made it gold. and i want to thank you. for that, and for everything.

today is julie's birthday. oh my lord. i knew it was august, i forgot to check the date, there it is. happy birthday sweetheart!
it's 10:30 already but we need to do something. even if it's just getting together and listening to music like we did for lynne's birthday in 2013. that was such a lovely night.
i'm actually listening to "what the world needs now" which is one of julie's favorite songs, and i've noticed she's just sitting on one of the couches in central and smiling, listening. i asked and she said she's really happy. which makes me really happy too.
when she gets happy, like... truly happy, like this, she just glows. there's this gorgeously pink soft light to her that lights me up inside too. i think that's what the real essence of Pink is as a color. which is lovely really.


so today is a good day! and a good night.
i really cannot get over this love burning in my chest though, oh my lord, where did this even come from
or rather, where has this been hiding??



i cannot possibly type more here right now. i need to just soak this up like starlight. let it get into my blood and stay there.

have a beautiful, beautiful night, everyone.