jan 13 2015

 

 

therapy today.
woman works with sheppard pratt apparently, said she's effectively going to be using the same treatment plan with us now. it begins with coping skills, mostly grounding and establishing safety. we've never had a therapist set up a "plan" before so this is exciting.
also we handed her the rough system lineup she asked for (she wanted names), which of course we had listed under colors. i said we thought very visually and she said she did too, then she handed us some crayons and asked us to "box in" each group of names with that color so she had a ready representation. then she was on the phone with the insurance people while we were scribbling away with crayons. it was really fantastic actually.
we're seeing her again on thursday, can't wait, she seems legitimately eager to learn and help and she is both nice and educated. plus she apparently works with the ISSTD, which is icing on the cake. we'll do our very best working with her.

got some food today, stupid damned floating voices made me turn the freaking car around TWICE to go back and buy some shit they would NOT shut up at me about, even had the nerve to throw a line of synchronicities at me that were very loud, all saying "buy it" (or you'll regret it). so i did, aaaaaand guess what, when we ate it later (only a bit!) we got TERRIBLY sick, honestly it hasn't been this bad in months. so yeah screw you floating voices.

oh yeah. and we also forgot.
sugar = hacks. apparently salt does too, it all ties into the crushing nausea and pain and feelings of filth/ unworthiness/ rage/ sorrow that such foods elicit in the body and mind. so those damn voices basically pushed us into buying a hack, i am so angry, i am so tired. i need to stop listening to them. i need to tell the therapist about them, first opportunity we get. they still insist they are god but they are NOT, nothing from god acts like that, i know that. they cannot be truly moral because they have no empathy. they do not have my best intentions in mind, they only want me to obey, and submit.
i read a quote like this on tumblr yesterday.
"The only people who talk about sacrifice are assholes. The government talks about sacrifice, and about the ultimate sacrifice. Sacrifice has to have PURPOSE. Sacrifice has sacred utility. The Holocaust had no purpose. Dying for a cause can have purpose. But most of the time when the state speaks of sacrifice the state means THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME EAT YOU."
that's it in a nutshell really.

on that note here's a weird topic. its been weird in general lately, hacks are either totally nonexistent or utterly horrific, but in the downtime im seeing more clearly. they cannot touch me easily anymore, i'm learning to fight again. i can see through their lies now, now that i'm being honest with myself, now that i'm untangling confusing things from their snares. and it is confusing. we're still flat-out asexual and repulsed, we don't need to bloody test that anymore to know it for sure. i dont give a damn if others demand justification for our orientation, they have no right. but even so, we are confused, because i STILL have that childhood lingering need for affection, for platonic intimacy, for some sort of close caring that i've never had much of in a true context. that's why relationships are tough, that's why i only really feel safe around infinitii now. but i still have that sad, sad need, that inner child so neglected. i keep thinking of the child in the manger and maybe if that was symbolic, a loud call from the universe to take better care of that part of our psyche for once. we keep ignoring it, treating it like our birth family did. "grow up." "don't be a crybaby." "don't bother me." "don't talk/ think/ act like that." emotional stunting. anyway thats old news.
point is, that is conflicting with the weird wants that showed up during high school, when genesis showed up. realizing that yeah we still wanted closeness but if we were allowed to be more demanding, more selfish, we... wanted that affection to hurt. remember how around that same time, we were convinced we were some sort of masochist because we were obsessed with pain? and laurie still bears the scars from that bullshit? how they used us. how they used us. i am so sorry. but it's true, the pain is sacred, the pain was tied to "caring" in the childhood punishments that became her anchor. and we were never truly able to unlink those two things. to this day, sharp pain is something i need in a physically intimate situation. not sexual. intimacy is NOT sexual and i despise being told that for years. no. any time my walls are down and i am breaking from honesty and someone loves me i want it to hurt, i want there to be pain, some sort of catharsis that isn't flakey or shallow or dramatic. i want agony and i want it to be sincere.
but lately in light of religious stuff and infi by extension, that's expanded to embrace the self-annihilation drive, the need exclusive to myself, to melt into other people and things and so be devoured. and yes, with infi sometimes i beg for that to be literal. ever since that one morning i wanted hir to eat my heart, to purify it like ze did the energy ze swallowed, ever since then i've had this stupid lingering want to just be consumed by something greater and brighter than myself, some sort of religious ecstasy of destruction. and not personal either, i never like when people pay attention to me in those situations, no. no, just let there be blissful pain. bring everything up and out, scrub this ribcage snow-clear. crunch my bones between your teeth. something.
it all boils down to me not wanting to be a person, why the hell does that always come back. am i that tired? am i that in love? i don't know.

the past four months or so i have been following the bullshit newage regime. they say "enjoy pain" but there is a fine line damn it. they say that if you are attacked, if you are raped, just surrender and let it happen! "don't make it a problem," they say. and yeah that's just fine and dandy if you want to live a bleached-out super-happy void life, that's great. but i'm telling you. i've been strangling my negative emotions for months, just like that. "let everything happen," they said. and i didn't realize that in truth, that means to let the outbursts happen too. when i was attacked, someone said "don't resist!" but what if my inner child is screaming, huh?? what if she is scared out of her mind? what if he is sobbing for help? "don't resist" WHAT, pray tell?? that includes THEM, too!!! god damn it but you were painting over my soul in the process of telling me to be a bland smiley-face sticker. "don't resist," fine, that means that from now on if heartspace wants to jump out then I am LETTING IT.
the therapist said that too, something i forgot. when children experience trauma, some of them think "bad things only happen to bad people" so they reason, "i must be horrible for such a horrible thing to happen to me!" and that poisons them. i said something to her and she responded with that, said that's how i'm thinking, i agreed. but it made me sad, i read that in so many other accounts of D.I.D., how children would be told that they deserved what happened to them, to break them into little pieces. it's so ironic, heartbreakingly so, how my pieces were the first people to tell me i didn't deserve that abuse.

i didn't tell you about roxie. oh gosh i love her she's the cutest thing. she's a little deer i found, a little jingly bell deer, she's so soft and the sweetest tiny thing. i found her upstairs in a box and she fits in my hand and she is my friend now, she's on my desk. she has antlers though, that's cool even though she's a girl, so obviously she's trans like me haha. but really she's so nice.
she isn't in headspace yet, not really, just in flickers. it's been AGES since something like this happened, an outspacer walk-in of this sort. i miss it! but we don't know what color she is. green, strangely, feels close. red or brown maybe, but there's a strong green pull even though there's none on her. we'll see.
aaanyway. after finding her, i kept getting deer on my tumblr dashboard. i wondered about it then, looked up what the deer means as a totem animal. let me post a bit of that.
"From the deer we can learn that the gift of gentleness and caring can help us overcome and put aside many testing situations. Only love, both for ourselves and for others, helps us understand the true meaning of wholeness."
"Deer teaches us how powerful it is to be of gentle demeanour, to exert keen observation and sensitivity. Deer's are in tune with nature and all it comprises. They are sacred carriers of peace and show those with this power animal how to open their hearts and love unconditionally... Deer has entered your life to help you walk the path of love with full consciousness and awareness, to know that love sometimes requires caring and protection, not only in how we love others, but also in how we love ourselves."
"Deer teaches us to be gentle, to touch the hearts and minds of wounded beings who are in our lives. Don't push people to change, rather gently nudge them in right direction, with the love that comes from deer. Love and accept people as they are. The balance of true power lays in love and compassion."
You get the picture. It's all intuition and gentleness and innocence and regeneration. But it's so accurate, not just to the vibes Roxie gives off, but also to where we are in our life journey right now.
I've been treating myself, and this body, like shit. Pardon my language, but it deserves that. It's awful. But it's true.

I lost my train of thought.
This is another mindspill, this entry. Better than nothing though! I need to just get back into the swing of updating again, after such a long forced hiatus.
I just do not like focusing on the negative. I don't. Energy goes where attention goes, the strength of anything depends on how much and how often we focus on it. So maybe the deer message is the best. Instead of anger and fear, can we be gentle instead, and get a better result? Let's do this RIGHT, let's do this with pink and aqua and violet hues, not the colorless rulebooks they sell us. Let's be kind, let's be loving, like we are, yeah there's dark stuff in our past but that's NEEDED, damn it that is NEEDED TOO.
I read an article in a Psychology Today magazine, in the therapists office. Basically, "why you need negative emotions." Why things like sorrow, anger, shame, frustration, boredom, etc. are important. They are signposts, they are pushes in other directions, they are sparks, they are important too! And here I am listening to people telling me, "no, only positive happy emotions are allowed! :)" ugh those smiley faces are painful at this point. I'm sorry but it's true. Why do they anger me? Because to me they are masks. No laugh-lines around the eyes. It's that awful sort of forced smile people make when they are being condescending or hiding hatred. That's what it feels like, those emotes, in those sentences. Emotes can be genuine in other contexts but nope, not there. So there's my explanation, that's why they frustrate me. I don't want to make that sort of expression, for me it's wrong. For ME it's wrong. That's my path to walk, for the love of God and his monstrous angels let me do my shadow work, let me adore my daemon again, let this System operate as it was meant to. Stop crushing the nighttime and wondering why we don't dream anymore.

Healing. Step one. 2015, another new beginning, another step up, a new mission. "Take care of yourself." Collective noun.
Surgery, a soft reset coming up next week. A new therapist and a new chance to grow. Feeling like I'm getting a new name too; it's been two years and that's the average time period for a Core so a morph might be in the works. We shall see.

It's 1AM. I just drank four lemons so that made me feel a lot less sick. Tomorrow I'm probably going to eat at least four cucumbers, this body is craving green stuff like mad so I should just let Emmett go to town. I miss him. I miss everyone.
I can dream, we can make that dream a reality. Yes there is lingering hurt from the dead timelines, from the old lives, but that's all in lower levels now, and it's feeling more flowy. It's not tar-sticky anymore, for the most part. Some of it is, in parts, but it's like we can still remove it easily, if done with care, and understanding. We can do it, we will. There will be a day when we can all live as a System and not have to do this bloody trauma work anymore, because it will be healed at long last. We are building that day every day, bringing it into existence.
The hardest part, though, is overcoming obligations. Ironically. I get stuck in "repeat behaviors," in loops that hurt me, because (as I said) I am not doing much self-care at all and I've been tossed about by voices, so I don't "fight back" and say what I think is the best decision. It's tangled and really the problem largely does not exist when heartspace is active, plugged-in. When people are around, we know what to do. Even if some of us are lost we have wisdom, we have knowledge. Just reminding myself.
So smarter choices. Every day, a bit at a time, being more self-respectful, and brave and daring too, for that sake.
1:11 right there. "Pay attention to your thoughts, for your thoughts become your reality." Good reminder, thank you.

Now it's late so I apologize if I've left anything un-concluded, but I do need sleep and I'm tired. I don't want to keep rambling when I have no real desire to type at the moment. I'd rather type when I feel a real drive to do so, not to just take up space.
I hope all you readers (the not-so-invisible audience!) are doing well. Have a good night.