lately, happy 2015 even so

 

 

I haven't been updating in a while because I've been running away.

Somewhere along the line my family situation and world situation "convinced me" that I had to be "normal" or else I would only suffer always. I was told I had to sacrifice everything "weird, crazy, or evil" and become a good normal girl, in order to be happy always.
Happiness is bullshit, if this is happiness.
Let me elaborate on this.
I don't want war. I DO NOT WANT WAR. The demons are trying to start one again, now that the old System is currently somewhere out of my reach (by my ignorance, it can be brought back, but it will take huge amounts of trust and bravery and self-love that i am currently frightened to summon?). The demons torment me daily now.
They are the "floating voices," as you know. They still attack me, torment me, shout at me through my own voice. They can't hack me like Julie did, thank God, that timeline is erased forever.
Laurie told me yesterday (she can still reach me, says it's very distant and difficult but she was the first "headvoice" so I don't think she'll ever be truly cut off) that Julie "loves me for that," in a pure gracious way, for effectively scratching our entire old history for good, turning it from fate into a fable. Julie has now been forever pink, forever kind and sweet, as it were, no matter what our linear experiences here may suggest. Time has changed. I like when it changes.
But there hve been hints that that entire original timeline was forced on us. We grew into something evil and dark that was never meant to be our true home. There are hints that a new one is trying to be manufactured, from the strings of the old, from the ancient angry girls again. The roots of gluttony and sloth and self-neglect. Filth and apathy.
It's not salt crystals. It's corrosion. Salt, is good white crystals, it's good for driving out demons. I think this is sugar, a different sort of black under guise of white. All that bleached-white stuff, gunk, Jessica food. Tied to horrible self-hatred. I want it gone.
But they are trying to start another war. There ARE good floating voices, "angels" or such, that do guide me well, but they are confused too and frequently don't realize the most efficient way of communicating. Their language throws me off sometimes.
Also I have realized that as long as I am terrified that THEY are evil voices, I will tend to doubt them, out of confusion. It's a weakness.

I go into trances far too easily. The old timeline attests to this, the dissociation and horrible hacks. I very easily go into trances and that's not good, not when that happens during the day, and I end up following programs, automated patterns, obligatory learned behavior. I catch myself doing things through a fog sometimes, at a distance, not understanding why, not able to "feel" anything enough to stop. It's awful. I know it's logically not healthy, but I can't feel any concern. It's not real, it seems. I can't get my brain to "focus" and accept that this is something happening to me. Maybe it's a self-preservation instinct gone wrong, "if we accepted this was happening to a body that housed US, too, it would be horrific." So we depersonalize. It is impossible to heal, or grow, in this situation, unless we embrace heartspace again. That is a fact.
But people tell us it is evil. I don't care. Some things may be, some of them may be, I can't tell anymore, I really cant. the apathy is horrible, it's forced apathy, it's scar tissue. over and over again. a bleak white scab where my heart once was. it's a result of too many hacks, too many liars, too many slipups, too many abusers with changing faces. too much bleedover. too many flashbacks. not knowing who is who anymore and feeling too much sickness in others.

I want to leave so much behind and so much needs to be abandoned in order to grow.
Maybe that's why I'm falling into addictions lately. Stupid addictions, mostly food-related, related to biting and staved off only by the lingering purgation mechanisms. We're losing a lot of money, but atoning habits are now kicking in to stop that. It's immensely beneficial and works better than anything else. Knife would be proud of me. Maybe. Maybe someone else. I'm telling you, there are weird fringe-feelings of new people, of new places, of a whole new working mechanism in a paper-clear midspace realm, something like frosted glass with a bite, coming into focus. New people. When I go into body meditations I can feel them, I can see them, they come out into the body. Every time. Is that why the bad voices keep trying to distract me from meditating? Because when I do, I come face-to-face with the awful, glorious, undeniable fact that THIS IS REAL???
Who the hell are you. Who are you to tell me they were evil, that they were fake, that they are leading me astray, whenall YOU do is call me a "faggot whore" and other awful things, and keep me from doing any self-improvement???
"Follow orders, follow orders," "read read read," that's ALL YOU EVER TELL ME. I am so damn depressed because my day is full of nothing but READING, page after page after page, and you know what??? Before I started enslaving myself to these websites-- and they ARE good sites, but in moderation, you can't overdose on that either, remember in SLC we wouldn't even leave the house without consulting the sites and that was profoundly unhealthy but you would approve even now i think-- before all that, I STILL got this sort of information. Different, maybe, but true, the same.
Now you are calling "blasphemy." Define that word. "Calling God unto yourself," you say. "Claiming you know what God wants." And do you? Yes? Would you call me a faggot in the same sentence? "I'm calling it like it is," you say.
And there's my doubt. Remember Laurie started out like this, once, ages ago? That SAME Marywood-hallway energy vibe is STILL here, still holding some sort of voice, something like she was once. Berating me, hating me, furious and scathing, but as a force of admonishment.
Would you believe that is what I miss the most?
Does that... is that legitimate? Does that count? "Everyone has their own spiritual path" they say, but too many of these new-age people make it feel like it HAS to be all yoga poses and fruit smoothies all the time. "Oh, abandon ALL that keeps you from being happy! :)" they say. And it makes some old, but young, part of me so angry, so sad. It feels like Cannon's age, something awakened around high school, when we started to open our eyes.
What is happiness, I now ask. Is it allowed to be "different" for us? There's that pronoun I can never stop using. Maybe your happiness is that sort of admittedly-cliched vegan stereotype that these spiritual websites conjure up. Maybe, for you, that sort of life (which to me feels hyper-stagnant and painted-on, I'm sorry but I don't think it's for me but these damn voices insist I obey, are they right??) is perfect. Maybe so, and that's great, then follow it with all your heart.
But... I don't want a war. I don't want a war, ever again, don't you dare fcking touch me ever again, but...
When I go back, it starts again. Which is why I want to abandon everything. Somehow start a new session, pull a Jade Harley, grab everyone and move into a whole new universe.
Infinitii "survived," somehow, for lack of a better term. I saw no one for at least a solid month and then one day Infinitii was in my mind, colors changed and name turned around. "Eternos" ze called hirself, all white with pink eyes and strange horns I couldn't quite see well. A different vibe, something more solid and bright, something closer to Laurie. I'm not sure what that was about yet, I haven't looked into it.
The inner Cathedral is still centered around blood. Still. This holy white place, all gold and roses, a temple, but falling apart now. The Christ-child there, the archetypal infant of new life, like at Christmas all over again, is there and I can't tell what it is feeling. I look at it lying in that little white bed and it is crying and it is smiling and it is laughing and it is angry. I cannot tell. All of it?
And there is blood, a waterfall of blood, this gorgeous ruby color, the purest thing I can imagine but it's blood and there's this spiral crystal staircase beneath it and I can't see where it goes. Down into the earth. This is so different. What is it?
Baby, child of potential, I see your tears either way and it terrifies me because I see how broken this temple is. Your home, your birthing-place, somewhere to honor you, and I'm letting it get shot to shit because I live here too. And it shatters my heart, it makes that same part of me want to scream and cry, that teenage demi-girl, that raging self who suddenly realized that she deserved more than the hell she was passively letting herself burn in. Same as this. The oldest thing in the book.

Happiness. Can it include this blood? Can it include shadows? Can it be, somehow, divinely, with all hope and against all logic and orders, inclusive of our heartspace people?
Infinitii, Infinitii, dear beloved creature, I loved you once. I'm sure some part of my soul does, still. But now, the thought of loving you, at all, makes those floating voices glare at me with zealous rage, condemning me. "Sinner!! You go against God!!" I find it hard to believe, looking at you, a strange echo of God in your own right, always were, but the cry of blasphemer keeps tearing at my ears and so I shut down. I shut down, I shut off, I go back into addictive loops, blinding myself to myself, always exhausted and irritable because I want to cry and sleep and love but I can't, not when I'm being told the truest parts of my past were the vilest.

Yoga isn't bad. I do it spontaneously, then it's good. I can't do these weird scheduled ordered breathy classes, it feels so false, it makes me ill and sad. Same thing with the diets, with the candles and incense, with the "spells" and other "magicky" things. When it comes from my heart, hell when it USED to come from Dream World, it was FINE and I loved it because it was MY thing, my intuitive thing, not someone's barked commandment or smile-stamped insinuation. Now all of that is practically being demanded of me left and right, "do THIS, just like THIS," and it always feels like there's an "OR ELSE" tacked to the end. "Oh, you'll end up doing it just like this eventually, when you're good enough." Essentially, "if you're not ready to do this, you're still blind/ asleep/ ignorant/ afraid/ etc." Like there are NO other options. And I HATE that, because I AM doing half that stuff already BUT when you put it that way I want to STOP. I want to stop, because NOW you're putting it in terms of ABSOLUTES, and my kneejerk reaction is-- and always has been, for better or for worse-- to test the hell out of it.
"I can't do this," you say? Bullshit. I can. I can do ANYTHING, I am impervious, nothing is impossible. And then I WILL do it, even if it makes me sick, even if I regret it horribly, even if I end up with scars and a sore stomach from it. Some little part of me will be standing like a soldier, not proud but determined, saying "I told you it was possible."
Language. It's all about language.
I am a terribly visual person. Lately I've been unable to read unless I have accompanying pictures, either literally or mentally (which is making this "obligatory" binge-reading hellish, as it's walls and walls of text I get overwhelmed by, even if I WANT to read it). But when I do hear words, the structure is key. I'm realizing that. It's vital.
The "angels," or whatever they are, the voices that try to help me-- they don't quite get this. They're rather simple-minded and straightforward. "Don't eat this," they say, sternly. Then the teen-girl part of my brain gets upset, hears an "eat this" as well as a residual insinuation that "don't" means "can't." So she eats it, even if she despises it and doesn't want it, to prove a point or something. I really don't know. This is weird and it's been looping for weeks, if not years, so obviously we haven't learned the full lesson from it yet.
I still say, it's forced dissociation. We've grown enough to be able to enjoy proper eating now-- which is a HUGE milestone-- as long as it is healthy for us, and not stressful. We can't have sugar, because it makes the body ill, and causes hacks. See, you have to BACK UP your "can'ts" and "don'ts" or they WILL be tested in order to FIND such backup. That's how our brain works. Is that bad? Or is it GOOD, to question such empty words until they carry meaning, truth, relevance?
We can't eat in busy, noisy rooms, because then we tend to depersonalize and dissociate, causing abusive and/or destructive eating. It's very unsafe and harmful to all involved. So we must be careful there too. And we CANNOT, we MUST NOT, eat dense foods. This is important and I say this with compassion to all involved, because it's tricky. Dense foods ARE NOT BAD, that's been a misconception for many months. No, they're just too heavy for us personally. It's like putting diesel fuel in a compact car. It's not going to run. But a vehicle that runs on diesel will work great! So the thing itself isn't bad. That's important. We're integrating that now, we no longer hate foods, which is so relieving. We're no longer afraid of foods either. Now we can recognize, "this just isn't what I need now." It bumps heads with "but CAN I eat it?" often yet, and the answer is yes we can, but it's not wise to do so. Just the phrase "not wise" needs to be changed, because currently it carries the connotation of "you're a fool" which is a very negative sentence and it causes negative responses. Language!

Where was I. I'm kind of rambling today. There's so much. It feels nice, like starting a race again after stepping out for a year, if that makes sense? Like getting back on the path, on the road, after having gotten lost for a while, wandering because someone told me it was "better to do so" and maybe it was for them but it's not bad to walk the path either. I'm tired of feeling terrified and obligated all the time. Is that bad?
It's getting late. Let me just recap my thoughts here.

Release the old that is no longer working. Remember that the "new" can ALSO count here, if it doesn't work. Just because something is a "new option" doesn't automatically make it correct, especially not unquestionably so. That's a harmful thought process.

Oh! BIG important thing I almost forgot.
I mentioned previously I've been holding Jewel Monster forms more often lately. I didn't realy mention this is purely spontaneous, total overlay and very individualized energy. Oddly for the past few days I've been getting a Purganiuso overlay (earlier stage in the Angelorei growth line), but still with the Joy/Jubilation Virtue, and still with Angelorei days too. So that's unusual. There's far more "personality" in the Purganiuso form-- the Angelorei one is mostly church-based and feels tied to that piety, unsurprisingly-- but it's compassionate. As it I feel more of a desire to treat myself with integrity and respect and love. I must, as that species; it's hardwired really. But I wanted to say that.
Also. The other night, after seeing Infinitii again (as Eternos), I wondered about this whole "gap" thing again. Stuff still felt segregated, in at least three pieces now, especially with me as a Jewel Monster which is incompatible with headspace so to speak. And I got the phrase, "bridge the gap." As in, BE THE BRIDGE. Intuitively it made massive sense: I was able to step into every one of those spaces, and as this now, moving freely about, I could bring them all together in threads-- something like that. Also Xenophon was hugely important in the same, not a "native" Jewel Monster but with deep species ties as one nevertheless. Hard to explain in brief right now, I need to type that up somewhere for public reading. But "Jewel Monster" is kind of a collective term, people can become one even if they weren't before, suffice to say that much. It's promising. Either way "bridge the gap" is at the forefront of my mind and heart. I feel that role now, that mission, tied to my Angelorei self. Somehow I need to connect all of these world-spaces, these different platforms within and without, to unite it all. Unite the inner worlds AND the outer world. That's important, so important. And we can do it. I can do it. Maybe I'm the only person who's been able to do it, now, someone born in heartspace but holding this form and living in the outside. It's unprecented. And it's hopeful, so hopeful, with so much joy held in promise within it.



We start a new therapist tomorrow. That was the impetus for this.
I don't know what's going to happen but I WILL NOT LIE or sugarcoat anything. And even if it terrifies me, even if it shatters me first, which it may, I WILL make sure Laurie is there with me for it. I think the universe is demanding that too, the new office we are going to is painted purple on the outside. Violet demands integrity, honesty, true compassion. It's the color of kings and divinity, it's a regal holy humble gorgeous color and it feels just like the vibes she gives off, and I won't (can't) forget that. It's too profoundly impressed upon my heart; it's too true.
That's what I mean. There's a feeling of realness, of tangible joy and something bright and incredibly expansive, like a tunnel opening up into a vista, when I think of them. Not the stuff we went through, but us. The truth of us, forging new paths even now. Let go of the old, that timeline is dead, it no longer serves us. Let's rebuild, let's continue to rebuild.

The other day, New Year's night actually, I kept getting all this internal feeling and imagery of flowers. People and roses, really, no idea why but it was so so relevant.
Javier slept in "my" room that night, we had like five people in one bed and it was great. We all share it and it's so nice, all these people trusting and quiet around you, individual but as a group. Javier put a rose corsage on when he walked in, said he "got the message" and resonated with it too.
The next morning my grandfather put the television on and suddenly, there's this parade full of flowers. Suddenly, he's talking about the "Rose Bowl" in football. And I stood there, laughing out loud, because I didn't even know and yet there was synchonicity. So that felt amazing.
That's the feeling I miss. THAT is "happiness," to me, that heart-bright, warm-gold glow like a firework or a sunset just burning in my chest, something that ALWAYS happens in heartspace, something that NEVER happens with this damn blanked-out monotonous life and the floating voices. I know they mean well, but they are the color and temperature of paper, tepid and flat. They aren't bad, they just don't sparkle like my heart yearns to. Yes they have lessons to teach me, yes they are good to listen to WITH DISCERNMENT. But at the end of it all, at the end of the day... I think this, this inner joy, is what I still need, no matter what they say.

I don't care if it's "weird." I don't care if it "looks crazy" or if my family makes disgusted, disdainful faces at me whenever I hint at it or whenever they glimpse it. "Don't do/ say/ think/ feel that, it's not normal! People will think you're off in the head." To put it nicely. I don't want to repeat some of the slurs that have been casually dropped on this subject by my family, leaving me shocked and sick and horribly doubtful.
I want to shine. I want to shine with them. I don't want to care if the world labels us "nuts" or "freaks" or anything like that. I'll wear those terms with gratitude if it means I am being so honest. I love these people in my heart, in our heart, so much I could cry from it, and I don't GET those emotions when I'm unplugged from the inner realms. I DON'T cry when I'm "being normal," not unless I'm crying from fatigue and frustration, which happens far too often in that state, begging for sleep and solitude and solidarity, not knowing where to find it because I'm ignoring the truth. Never again. I can't.
It's going to take so, so much bravery to crack this shell. It takes guts. I don't know why. But we'll take an axe to it, and we'll kiss that damn blade too, before we bury it deep into this calcified mess. Destruction is a form of creation, that is still true, when used properly...
What about him. His vibe changed completely. I don't know what the future holds for him but we shall see. We need to cast off all the dregs of the past first, all that dust was choking us. I'm sure something still glows at its heart, there was too much love there for there not to be. I hope. I really do hope, even if that relationship feels alien and nonexistent to me currently. I'm confused, but there's hope, for something. Maybe that hope, the trust that allows it to glimmer ever so slightly, means more than I understand yet.

Infinitii is protecting me from hacks. Someone tried yesterday, I was crying but so apathetic, "don't touch me," but so so damn tired I wasn't fighting. Infinitii showed up, all white again, and almost choked me. STOP, ze said, all holy fear and fire and eyes and wings. The vibe was unignorable. STOP. And I had no strength to stop on my own, I know I didn't, I would just surrender and weep for my weakness, for my inability to say "no" to an imposed force... but ironically, here was a force greater than any hacker, something so sublime that my heart shook with devout terror and adoration and swore it would follow hir to the ends of the earth if ze asked. I won't lie, it's instantaneous. Infinitii Eternos demanded that they stop, that I stop, and I was so enraptured that I no longer cared about anything but that, anything but hir. So "everything but" stopped. I got out of that safely. But I don't know whether to laugh or cry either, feeling that image-memory, with hir hands around my throat and eyes on fire, and me smiling like a saint in delirious ecstasy, in the same sort of selfless abandonment that had led me into that damned state. I think I told Infi to do whatever ze wanted with me, and ze responded that NO, ze would NOT, that was exactly what got me into that lethal trouble in the first place.
It's a curse and a blessing, I'm sure, whatever quality you'd call that. Inherently neutral, all about application. I should meditate on that more. It seems to be a core problem, and a core help, that tendency to annihilate or aggrandize my "self" as it were. Either I am utterly not, or I am everything at once. Sometimes both. And it's strange, and it's terrifying, and it's awe-inspiring. We must manage it better. I don't think it's going to go away, because THAT'S a huge lesson Dream World taught me too. The nightmares don't always disappear, because they, too, serve a divine purpose. Even Fear has its place in the holy order, as it were. You have to look from a whole new set of eyes. How fitting is that.
I think that's why I don't like the "super good" vibe the new-age stuff gives off, as I said. They keep telling me, "kill your ego," "kill your shadow," "kill your vices." Destroy everything "bad," OR re-label it all as "good" so it won't be a problem anymore.
Forgive the language, but in my own experience, that applies to my life as BULL SHIT. (Laurie just laughed and gave me a thumbs-up for that, well thank you dear)
I don't like swearing but I'm just so worn out. "Learn to enjoy pain and things get interesting," NO THANK YOU. For me, "living in the moment" should not mean "enjoying pain" because for us, at least currently, that leads to ABUSE and SELF-SABOTAGE.
That is why the retribution drives are kicking in full-force. Every hack demands atonement, always has and always will. That will not be compromised, because holding that consequence means that we MUST recognize hacks as spiritually malevolent, NOT as some "neutral event" to "endure." NO. We will hold the toll of blood to it, always, for what it means to us. For others that may not work. For us it is one of the most beneficial things we can do right now. Maybe one day it will change, true. But currently, hacks MUST be atoned for, or apathy kicks in. And that must NOT be allowed ever again. Hacks are FORBIDDEN and I am tired of letting thiefs and vandals and murderers into this temple just because they knocked. I'm tired. I'm not "obligated" to take on all of that just because it exists. I'm not "obligated" to suffer just becaue I can. That's terrible. It must stop. And we must be the ones to stop it.
Also, this is still tied to purgation, even moreso than ever now. The two vices bleed into each other. All wasted money, even if it occurs out of misinformed hope or a lack of proper information, MUST be repaid. This is new, and overwhelming, but that is needed as it makes it a SOLID consequence, which carry the most weight as far as growth goes. With no consequences, there is stagnancy, and that is what we are striving to change here. And of course, the holy blades are the last-ditch unfailing effort if all else falls short. I hope it doesn't come to that for this too, but it is now a legitimate "threat" for such misconduct, and that alone demands personal integrity.
It's scary, how easily it has become to abuse this body lately, especially in the dietary department. It's all depersonalization, because of the fronter-switches that usually accompany eating (the teen girls typically come out to do so and they are totally neglectful), which are exacerbated by apathy. But that has bad vibes and I won't rant about it. We must demand better treatment of this vessel, by the most positive means necessary. Just, getting through this shell takes real heavy effort at first, or at least it is from the way we are approaching it right now.

On that note, Laurie is trying harder too. The calcification got to her, but she's burning through it beautifully. I have total unwavering faith in her. That means the world, I know it does. Intention means so much.

I have also learned SO MUCH lately, as far as "spiritual education" goes on my OWN path. Synchronistic messages and videos and bits that apply to OUR personal experience, and make total sense. It helps. I just wanted to add that as it ties into the hack/abuse thing, making it harder and harder for apathy to stick around. Education is important! When I realize just what and WHY the demons and hackers are doing things to us, it makes me refuse to allow it anymore. When this started, in the old timeline, for years no one understood it and so when 2010 happened and the "dead children" truth was revealed it was so wrenchingly horrible that we attempted suicide. There are more layers to their motivation though, shifting through the years, but it was never justifiable. Never never never. It was ALWAYS evil and I am sorry, so sorry, that we (I?) tried to justify it on their behalf for so long, solely because I had been convinced that, being outside forces, they had to be right.
Which is what the floating voices (the bad ones) tend to insist even now. Same people, I'm sure. Horrible things. But I've learned from them, even. Now go away. We don't need your abuse to learn anymore, and it breaks my heart to think that I once thought I did. No more. Never again. Leave this place, and leave us alone, and leave everyone I know alone. Don't touch ANYONE. I will carry that through with force if need be. Compassion is not a simpering pushover like I was once told. Compassion is violet and black, and it WILL eliminate your malevolence by whatever means necessary. You know this as well as I do. Leave us alone.
Don't you laugh. The moment you see those eyes, I know you will turn and run. You are powerless here.

Gotta lay down the law, you know. It takes guts. I'm not yet used to standing up for myself, to talking like I have power and knowledge of my own, after being told I was incapable and/or undeserving of either. Nope, not true. I am wise, I am good, I am powerful, and stop calling me a blasphemer for it. Are you misunderstanding? I do all this THROUGH the Light in me, in everything. I'm not some isolated standalone thing, and I do not want that staggeringly harmful untruth being perpetuated either. Okay? Everyone, stop treating me like I am cut off from 'God' and the rest of the world. I don't want to be anymore, even if just in mind.
I'm rambling. I have to be careful, I tend to ramble and that's dangerous.
This is why I need people with me, or at least, why it is safer. With Laurie or Infinitii or Genesis or someone backing me up, rambling doesn't happen. They call me out, they keep me humble but strong. And they refuse to let our System be abused either... even if I'm the one idiotically allowing it, for whatever reason.
That needs to stop. It will stop. It must. There's so much fear tied to it, why? But it will stop, I promise.

There's so much forgiveness that needs to happen, strangely. What needs to be forgiven? Is it projected stuff?

Tomorrow is therapy. We'll see how that goes. (It will go well, we'll make sure of it. Focus on the positive possibilities, match that vibe bro.)
First, sleep. It's 1AM and I need sleep. We need sleep.
I'm a little afraid to go upstairs but I will anyway. I'll look fear in the face and see what happens then, too.

There's hope tonight, like a candle. That is enough.