venting big time

 

 

011815 1:23 pm

(brutally uncensored for the sake of an accurate mindset record)



My brother and his girlfriend are coming up to eat and I am PISSED OFF.
I need to vent. I need to let this anger out. I don't know why it's here or what it's about but GOD DAMN IT I AM SO FKING ANGRY.

STOP TALKING ABOUT FOOD DAMN IT SHUT THE HELL UP.

People keep telling me to eat. Buzz off. I want nothing to do with your hedonistic slob shit. I don't want to be such an ugly fcking whore stuffing this face full of slimy shit like my MOTHER. Her and her fcking sensuality bomb wave. She feels like orange cancer and it makes me want to scream and tear her throat out.

What is God trying to tell me here? Or something like that. Everyone who I see as a possible friend, someone to possibly confide in about cool things-- mostly Dream World and my music-- every last one of them ended up getting into a relationship and then it all went to hell. Just like Timon and Pumbaa! "And now our friend is doomed," remember? I related a lot to that, to not only those lyrics but also to their character types in general. Sidekicks, supportive cool guys, funny but wise, never in the spotlight but always working behind the scenes. Sidekicks. They were my people. Still are, effectively.
But the goddamn relationship thing. ALL of them! My mom is a flirt, AMG was a flirt. Viral got a girlfriend, Q got a girlfriend. AAA got a boyfriend, back in 8th grade, and that was the first time I ever felt this sort of awful bitter rage. I loved the hell out of her, I wanted to be her friend forever, and then she got a boyfriend. And I was less than dirt, or so I felt.

But it's not even about that. I'm fine being a "sidekick," I love it. I would love to be someone's go-to guy forever, even if I wasn't a "best friend." I just want to be able to GIVE that sort of love TO them, and have it be ACCEPTED as legitimate. When someone has all their time and attention devoted to some paramour, suddenly friends become bullshit. At least, in my personal experience, that has happened.
Even in headspace, back when I was there. I think that subconscious pattern infected people. Everyone I "loved" who wasn't aromantic turned the relationship into a cesspool, a disgusting warzone. Ryou got too lovey-dovey, I'm still iffy around him as a result. Genesis got too flirty, I tend to avoid him now as a result. Chaos wanted to marry me, and at some point effectively did, from what I know… some days, I wish I had never met him, painfully, because I DO love him… as a friend.
Markus was safe. Ironically, the boy who always felt "less than" for never feeling romance towards me, for not hitting the "relationship milestones" that the original Jewel felt obligated to chase. It's been his saving grace. I still feel we can be close friends now, if I start talking to him again. Everyone else… not so much. It would have to be scrubbed out first, start over clean and right this time. Pure.

Ironically Infinitii doesn't count, because-- and this may surprise you-- ze isn't romantic. Yeah, ze might love roses and candles and that sort of thing, but ze loves them as concepts. Ze would never force such a thing on me, or demand it of me.


I still don't know what God's trying to tell me though. Is it just trying to forgive this? Is that why he had my bro get into another relationship? Because maybe I wouldn't be able to see him as negative? Well maybe if he wasn't just like my mom and my old friends. Acting all fine on the surface, but then secretly enjoying rude sexual humor and promiscuous behavior and giving each other neck bites and ew ew ew EW. It's disgusting. It feels like they're forcing it on me, like by displaying that shit they're saying, "see? Now YOU have to do this/ like this!" So even if I try to turn my head and not look, the disgust is hard to get over. That's the tricky part. I don't want to condemn people. But… it's hilarious. I consider myself very forgiving, but it’s tolerance I struggle with here. It's hard to just stand around when that sort of behavior is all around me, so loudly and nauseatingly. I want to rid myself of negativity towards it, that's toxic, but I DON'T want to do a 180 and start idealizing it. That's wrong too. What do I do here?


…And now my bro and his girlfriend can't come up. Mom says he sounds upset on the phone. I hope he's okay.
I do love him, and his girlfriend, as people; they're wonderful, they're smart and funny and interesting and I want the best for them. But then I get tangled up in this stupid residual rage and sorrow and whatever the hell this is, and it's not fair to them, it's not fair at all.
So now I'm being crushed by guilt. It's my fault, my brain says. You thought these bad things about him, you brought bad things upon him. You are a demon throwing curses at people. I don't want to be that! I want to bring joy and happiness and peace. But in order to do that… first, I have to forgive. I have to forgive these people for feeling what they do, as odd as that sounds, because they mean no offense and really it's great that they care about each other. But… viscerally, somewhere deep and lodged angrily in my subconscious, like a tooth buried in muscle, there is this hatred of romance and it paints every relationship with its poison. Two people could be legitimately, totally in love, but the moment they do something lovey-dovey or showy I am going to see them as fake, simpering, manipulative, proud, pushy, and above all… malevolent.
I think that says enough as-is.

In the old timelines, in the old "headspace" past, relationships were used like nukes. Romance was used like a lethal injection. Anything flirty or amorous was labeled as slutty and manipulative, as tools to actively harm me, to dirty my soul, to ravage my body. Every last bit. So Valentine's Day became evil, once it cease to be innocent, once I saw how other people treated it. I miss the days of childhood, when I could buy those cute paper valentines and give them out to everyone in my class, freely and honestly and with total affection, saving the biggest ones for the girls I really did love in my own childlike way. I didn't want to be anyone's girlfriend or boyfriend or romantic interest. I just wanted to show them that I loved them, and have them accept that, WITHOUT saying we were "dating" or something equally asinine. Why the hell could I never have that?? Why the hell can no one else around me have that?? Why am I surrounded by the very thing that destroyed my friendships and damned my identity and corrupted my religion? Why the hell is it EVERYWHERE???

Why the hell am I so angry?

It's the sad anger. It's not the old brown anger, that sort of blood-raging frustration where the tears go hand-in-hand with the intent to maul someone. No, I only get that towards relationships when they start showing PDA. Then it's just an instinctive "make it stop" reaction, something boiling pink, something so repulsed that it wants to rip their lips off and smash their heads together. The violence scares me. Why is this, why do I have such violent tendencies? What purpose do they serve? I wonder. I never thought of it that way before. I wouldn't have such reactions if my mind didn't think they'd be effective somehow. Is it just the desperate need to eliminate that shit from my surroundings? Is it the fear that if I don't totally annihilate it, it will continue to force itself upon me forever?
But the tears. There's always tears. No matter how angry I am, it breaks down into awful gut-wrenching sadness, a feeling of utter rejection-- no, of total invalidation. Of "you don't deserve to exist." Every time someone around me starts flirting or making out or something of the like, it feels like I am waiting for them to both turn in unison, grinning maliciously, and say "you like this, don't you?!" before continuing with enforced lasciviousness. It's like a game. That's part of this, actually. I cannot fathom such behavior EVER being genuine. To me, it looks like an act, something done like a play, for the sole purpose of bullying someone else. You know what it feels like, actually? When you're a kid, and a friend or sibling takes your favorite book or toy, and then either holds it over a fire, or over a cliff, or with scissors ready to snap, and then they turn and look at you. Grinning. Ready to destroy that thing you valued in an instant, they turn and look at you just to see you in pain. So you put on a poker face, you pretend it's okay, you really don't care… and then they move, they do burn it, they do cut it, and your knee-jerk reaction is to jump up and beg for them to stop, to try to make them stop-- and all they do is laugh. They're enjoying this. And they're not going to stop. If they do, it will only be to revel in your "stupid pain," to point fingers and laugh at what a "baby" you are, to give you the chance to soak up the shock of that experience while they plan their second offense. That's what it feels like when I see people acting romantically. Just like that.
I think the word is "torment." Just like seeing how long an arachnophobe can hold out as you dangle a spider nearer and nearer their face. Torment. And they always laugh afterwards. "There's nothing to be afraid of!" "Don't be such a big baby!" "I didn't actually hurt you!" But it's all said with mockery, with disdain, with gleeful derision. Insinuating, if you were like me, I wouldn't have to torture you. The way you are now, you're a disgrace. You sicken me. You're shameful even to look at. So I'm going to torment you until you're just like me.
…is that what my violent urges are doing too? Am I saying the same thing in return?
Where is the fine line? How can I learn to tolerate this with a peaceful heart? How can I heal this angry fearful sorrow inside? That's what needs to be done. There is a root, a blackened root, and I can't find the ends of it. Not quite, apparently, because I've yanked it out before but it keeps growing back.


(ended)