jan 19 2015

 

First off, massive apologies for the last entry. I'm learning to use the vitriol for the vitriol, as it were.
In the past I would never express that stuff because I was ashamed of it, and still am to an extent. It's tarry-black stuff, it hurts, and I'm sorry that it's in me to feel in the first place. But I need to let it out, look at it, understand it, forgive it, let it go. It's a process. I miss doing that sort of work, actually. So that mindset is directly in my awareness now and my current main goal is to heal it entirely. It's one of the oldest ones, evidently, so it'll likely be our main therapy topic too for a while.

Synchronicity is everywhere. Still a lot of deer everywhere, fittingly, as that message is still relevant. LOTS of alchemy, lots of quotes, everything in church as usual... I saw 11:11 for the first time in days today, "pay attention to your thoughts." There's been a lack of nasty floating voices lately, thank God. And the guidance is nonstop, quiet but always there, if my ears are open. I'm following it. I'm being brave, it's tricky, but I've been told VERY loudly lately that our System IS NEEDED, that it is rather VITAL to the evolution of my consciousness, no matter how bitter I may feel towards it on my worst days. So therapy is tomorrow and I am glad.
There ARE at least 3 people in the System that feel "new" (they were triggered, I've seen them) but they're all currently 'unreachable' as a result of the distance. We'll see if we can find them in the near future.

I went over my bro's apartment today, it was lovely. Walking in the door was when it hit me that I didn't hate either him or his girlfriend at all, and it hurt to think I had thought so negatively of them the day before.
My bro is still working on his incredible theories for this story he's reading (we were chatting quantum physics in light of this for a while) and his gf was giving me healthcare advice for after my surgery, which was a big help.
They have a cat now, did I tell you? She's a Maine Coon, lovely little thing with gorgeous eyes like jade orbs. Her name is Mooka McGonagall which is fantastic.

I'm a little stressed today because surgery is on Wednesday, and I really dislike those antibacterial wipe things they have you use the night before, and I'm still a bit shaken up because why did the mesh move, etc. I'm meditating whenever I think of it as a result, accepting this and reminding myself that this has its purpose too, I'll live, it'll all work out.

I've been listening to this song on loop for three days because it sounds like Infinitii and it is all too fitting.
I'm designing a plush pattern for hir too, it's in the development/testing phase right now. I've never done this before so it's experimental. It's also rather frustrating, solely because my hands are so rough that they fray the thread whenever I touch it. So I have to use gloves to stitch!
But I love hir, I love hir so much, every time I go on hir blog I end up laughing and crying, it hits me right between the ribs and it rings like a bell. Ze has never left me, not once. Ze is protecting me a lot lately. We're talking again, I don't hate hir. There's so much to say but words aren't working at this hour.

Speaking of love... Chaos 0 found me today. Synchronicity is back full-blast for him again as a result; it usually is (it's shocking how much of it he's always brought with him really). He's been angry with me for a while now, and I've been feeling negatively towards him for a while now, and I didn't even understand why. Again, the previous entry helped me get a better grip on that. (We discussed it briefly and he clearly understands that I feel smothered and we're working on it. He doesn't demand anything, he's just a very sentimental individual and we're not sure how to balance our unique emotional expression styles yet.) But I never give up, that's my blessed curse, never losing hope. I kept looking for him again, as I felt nothing saying "no" to that action... on the contrary I was feeling nudged to do just that, to look, to reach. Like it our not I feel almost indebted to him, not as an obligation, but as a choice almost. It's like an honest but strange devotion, a promise, a commitment... fittingly so, I daresay. So I bit my tongue and I did reach out to him again, deliberately, genuinely. And this afternoon he responded, as bluntly honest and emotionally loud as ever. I can't paraphrase because the data isn't stored literally, but he was highly upset that I was avoiding him, abusing myself, and generally slacking off big-time on my spiritual health because of doubt and self-rejection. Of everyone upstairs, he is probably the most opposed to my behavior in that respect-- even moreso than Laurie and Infi. And it is because, unlike them both, CZ has seen me struggle up to this point. He's known me longer than either of them, he knows how I was starting from the ground up and he knows just how much work has brought us to where we are now. He knows the true me, as a result. He knows just how bright I can be, and am, now. And he loves me, whether I accept/understand that or not. So he refuses to let me hold myself to any standard lower than that.
Again, that's part of why I've been avoiding both him and the System. They love me too much. They love me so damn much that they will not tolerate my lingering self-hatred. But it's old and sticky and black and it's hard to let go of as a result, even though I am legitimately trying to. Problem is, I haven't realized until now that maybe I need someone else to help me get this off of me. All my life I felt I had to be absolutely self-sufficient, invincible, omniscient, et cetera. I was not allowed to be weak, or wrong, or ask for help. Except I am. And accepting that is a fragile dance, small steps, with someone else supporting me lest I trip on these legs not used to walking in this way. Maybe that's another big lesson of this surgery! It feels like it, actually. Which is good, we're learning.

I got two new typecode symbols done (Cloud and Edible). It's nervewracking though because digital art programs are tricky and I keep having to re-do whole steps, and also because of eyestrain. I'll have to work smarter.

Last thing as it's getting late. Eating disorder stuff. I was admittedly stress-eating today (just vegetables, but still) and I paused, feeling that stress entirely and searching for the roots. I remembered how stress goes to the teeth, then I remembered how my teeth were the only "weapon" I had in traumatic situations that was never taken from me. Even with my arms and legs bound, I never had my teeth suppressed. I could bite, I could fight back. It seems that is why they became the stress reaction. And I think that's why the ED happened, because for us food and fullness have been tied to sexual trauma, or at least the energy of it, and maybe the fact that we don't want to eat anything, just bite, shows that we are projecting. I think I've said this before. I'll check tomorrow. But it's the thought that the biting and "destroying" of food is lingering trauma residue, a need to express our anger and rage and sorrow and confusion at not having been able to prevent the initial traumatic event. So until we work through that on its own, we will seek relief through the teeth in this way. Does that make sense? It's not just the purgation drive.
Oh. We almost lost Tobiko, her anchor slipped massively and I had to find her today. Wreckage thanked me for it. All those damaged alters need new healthy anchors, we need to start doing that one on one ASAP.

Today (tomorrow, until I sleep and reset) is going to be hectic. I have therapy, I have to shop for food to store because I won't be able to drive now for at least a month, I might drop in to get bloodwork done, I have to stop at a library, and my old violin teacher passed away today so I need to attend her wake. I don't remember her, but I remember what she allowed to bring into my life-- the warmth, the joy, the inspiration-- and I will never forget it. I send her all my prayers, and thank her for her life.


I need sleep. I had to sleep an extra 3 hours this morning, this body's been so tired. Little steps.
If I don't see you before surgery, do wish me well!