dec 05 2014

 

Do I actually have depression? I don't know.
It's both frustrating and annoying whenever someone asks my therapists or docs for a diagnosis and they tack "anxiety and depression" onto the end. It's so generic to me. "Yeah, ze gets sad and nervous sometimes." Do I? I honestly can't tell. I don't get sad, I wish to heaven that I did, emotions are so alien lately. It's more of this… this emptiness. Let me talk about that, that's why I'm here.

I have to leave in 30 minutes to go to Cannon's campus again, they're having a choir concert, they're even singing some Eric Whitacre stuff. Now normally I love choral music, you know that. I adore it. The last time I couldn't go to a choir concert I broke down in tears, it felt like a stab in my own heart. They sound like me. …Or at least, they should. I should sound like them, rather.
It's weird. I don't know when I stopped drawing, but it was because I didn't want the buildup of paper clutter.


I'm scared to get a job. I'll admit it. I'm scared because I don't want to be locked into another automated routine. Yeah, it'll get us out of this house, but at what cost?
My grandparents are… getting older. It's scary. It makes me feel like a helpless child, to see them in pain, to see them struggling to get around now, to see the memory problems. All my life they seemed more 'alive' than anyone else I knew. They were smarter, wiser, stronger. And now, within the past few months… suddenly, this.
I'm scared because when they die, what will I do? Where will I go?
I want a job, I want money to support them, but without me they're home alone, they forget, they get lonely and scared… it makes me want to cry. I want to be there for them NOW, not wishing I had been when it's too late.
I'm trying to sell things. There's a few things I can sell. I know commissions are always an option but I need to burn through whatever weird fear is surrounding art, first.
I think it's fear of "being used?" Which is dumb. I can say no to any commission I don't feel comfortable with. Except I never did in the past, and oh we regret that badly some nights. Ah well. The past is the past.

The other thing is that I don't want to become a corporate slave or whatever, not sure on language. I can't sell things to people. I can't lie anymore, I can't. Is that weakness? To recognize that I would not be able to properly hold a certain store job or role, because it would require me to build a false persona? I DO NOT want that happening again.
It's tough enough with this lack of life lately, this emptiness of self. Is that better? They say that before you hit real joy you have to hit rock bottom. What is this? Don't you dare tell me it's "not bad enough" yet, I shouldn't have to go that far, should I?


Should "religion" hurt this much? Badly, not the good fire. This is the "is there any way out of this self-wrought hell or am I hopeless" feeling. I'm reading too much.
Stop. Stop this stupidity. Stop.


I'm learning a lot from what I'm reading. I have to let go of that old mindset.
The real problem is that there is so much, and most of it is frightening, overwhelming. I look at the amount of stuff I have to read, see pages upon pages, want to cry from frustration. It's ridiculous. Why this weakness?

 

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@ 11:08 pm

 

I'm reading up on Hinduism again and I'm having some significant thoughts.

My daily "worship practice" has been hit-and-miss for too long. I used to forsake the idea of rituals, thinking them "obligatory" and therefore tedious and empty, but really, that just means my motivation was missing.
All true "rituals" for spiritual purposes should be an expression of love. That's the heart of it. Chants, exercises, prayers, et cetera-- if it is not motivated by pure love for God, or whatsoever you may call That, then it is not really "worship." Then it is empty obligation.
I want to go back to daily rituals that I have built, personally, out of true love and devotion. This ego will be conquered, but it must be conquered without hate, or fear, or anger, or bloodshed. Yes, this is a "war" and I must continue to "fight" and never give in-- I must never give up-- but it is a war that only Love can win. That is the truth.
I've realized that lately too. All my striving, all my desperate hopes and efforts to "be good" and "stop sinning" et cetera, has been motivated mostly by fear. That's not working, of course. All fear does is feed fear. I was making myself sick, focusing only on "bad" things, on flaws and failures and falling short of what I felt I should be. I wanted to be "worthy of God," but all my thoughts were being drowned by the devastating thought that I "was unworthy." How can I achieve anything when such a breach is present? I need to drop the fear altogether.
Of course I still feel unworthy. In a sense I really am. There's so much stuff between me and my truest inner nature, all the buildup of the ego. But it's illusory, I must remember that. Conquer it, discipline myself, but all that fear and failure isn't real, in the end.
Love. Love is the true motivation and the true action. If I start living from love alone, love for God above and God within-- then I will no longer feel distraught and lost and worked to the bone. Then my worship practice will be true worship.

 

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@ 11:31 pm



miscellaneous notes from voice recorder:

 

make list of things that cause a kneejerk shame/guilt/fear reaction, from least to most,
ESPECIALLY around things you treasure/ like/ love in life,
afraid of judgment/ condemnation/ demonization, etc.
write down negative messages,
then positive reinforcements, "this is why the negative isn't true"

why are we looking for sugar? even though we hate it?
"you're not being sweet to me."
internal anger, self-hatred, wanting it to change via punishment.
we need internal sweetness, but we are not giving it, out of self-hatred
having any outside is heavily damned and punished severely
so this bleeds over


wednesday, end of may or early june
driving home in the fog with chaos, dashboard said 333.8 as soon as I realized what I was feeling. steam on road, failure of language, problems with guilt, feeling "at home" for the first time in ages. realizing I'm miserable because my inner life and outer life are not syncing. if I have to keep censoring my inner life, if I cannot bring who I am outwards, if I cannot mesh the two, I will be miserable.
I keep feeling guilty for loving people, like I should be ashamed of being "my own person"


saturday in early july? after june 25.
went out shopping, train started going by in front of us. waved at conductor, he waved back

obligation problem:
"why do you want to be in a relationship"
"because that's what you do. if you love someone you HAVE to be in a relationship with them, or you are actively rejecting them in malice."
BUT demanding "detachment" from all relationships, hating closeness?
remember most relationships data debris are negative and FALSE. obligatory programming. LET GO.
anything with "have to do" "supposed to do" with this causes abyss of anger, sadness, frustration

big synchronicity day at the library, despite it being a very negative morning-- randomly found sea book, everything was the ocean. "part of creation within you," drops of water. evaporation, condensation, etc.

grandmother with excess food, "well we have to use up all these cans…"
WE INTERNALIZED THAT TOXIC MINDSET
and we are mirroring it back to her!!!
if life is abundant, both good and bad is in abundance, you will NEVER "USE IT ALL UP"
OUR MINDSETS ARE OPERATING FROM A PLACE OF LACK, we think we can deplete things
grandpa has this too, overcompensating?
WE HAVE TO BECOME ACTIVELY AWARE OF THIS AND START CHANGING IT

 

 

 

dec 05

 

oh my heart I can feel heartspace tonight. everyone's around. everyone's alive. it's been too long.

We got the nerve to drive down to Cannon's old campus again today, to see a choral concert. I had to. Choirs sound like me; I can't not see them perform when I get the chance, it breaks my heart. But for some reason I was scared and sad and sick this evening, I was trying to find an excuse to not go... but then I realized that staying home was not an option. Like energetically, I could feel that was not a choice I wanted to take, or even could. I had to go out. I just had to get the nerve, to go out in the dark and cold and rain, to make that long journey in order to hear something blissful.
Then Laurie showed up. Laurie showed up. I remember I was in my room, still pulling myself together, and all of a sudden I could hear her voice asking, "kid, are we going or what?"
I didn't know what to think. "You're still alive?" I was caught between doubt and resentment and disbelieving joy and everything else. Then I noticed the new red scar on her throat. She went through with it. No wonder I couldn't find her.
We talked for a bit. She said she wasn't going to let anyone mess with me anymore, she was dead set now. And she wasn't going to let me back out on myself either. So we talked as I got ready, and by the time I made it out to the car I had seen Lynne and Julie (still wearing her pink sweater) and Josephina and Waldorf and Nathaniel and Leon and Javier too. Genesis was going to tag along for the ride, but then... well, as I was headed up the highway I began to cry like a child (it's the only way we can cry), and the people upstairs got worried, can we help? I couldn't reply, I was in a non-self expressional state, I needed to get this sorrow and fear out somehow or it would play havoc with our driving. Then all of a sudden, there was a green-blue shift in the air to my right, a sort of settling in, and Chaos was there.
Let me say something. Chaos rarely ghosts, I can't remember the last time he did actually. But he did tonight, I knew he did because I could feel his presence appear next to me and stick around, it's obvious when someone is there and I can't forget the exact vibe of him. But... I didn't expect the peace. Barely 20 seconds after he showed up I wasn't nervous anymore, and when I realized that I was shocked. It just... dissipated. The entire aura of space in the car felt serene, safe, calm. I didn't expect that. But I am so thankful for it, and I am not surprised that it happened either.
Javier drove for a bit on the highway; I was slipping and all the red lights around us called him in. He was surprised at first, Chaos was giving him pointers as to where to go (he's old enough to remember the Cannon days) and Javes was just trying to stay put, because switching consciously while driving is practically a deathwish. We took the back roads, I was able to come back in at that point, just let things go on automatic because really we haven't driven those roads in about 5 years now. But we made it.

We parked by the old art building and there was a sort of resonance to it, but no solid memory. None of that at all, it's strange. I looked up and saw the top floor lit up, all dark and open with just that one red exit sign, and I remembered that one night Cannon stayed there until 11pm just drawing with pastels. We were still so young then, even art-wise. Looking back on that I felt the growth and that was really something. But that was all. I knew if I went in we'd have the same memory fondness-- that building is one of the places our memory has stored as a "static location," something we can limitedly wander through in recollections. No time for that tonight though.
The choir concert was in the campus chapel, a pretty little place not far from that same building. We got there about 20 minutes early, and for some reason only one other person wanted to sit in the front row, so we got the best seats in the house, haha.
And it was so worth it. Seriously I was enthralled the entire time.
My favorites were "Sechs Sprüche, Op. 79: I. Weihnachten" by Felix Mendelssohn, "I Will Lift Mine Eyes" by Jake Runestad (that one felt profoundly reassuring), "Exsultate" and "In The Bleak Midwinter" by Brian Edward Galante (the latter was GORGEOUS live; I was about two feet away from the violinist), and "Mary's Lullay" by Alejandro Consolacion II-- which he revised for this performance, so it was the first time ANYONE had heard that version of it (choir and organ). It was seriously lovely; Infinitii really liked that one. Honestly though Alejandro is fantastic, I don't know how I never heard of him before now but I am glad that has changed because I am going to listen to everything he has ever written. Galante, too, talk about a cool style.

The drive home was lovely, because everyone was hanging out upstairs and decorating because we need to be more festive.
We drove through the ritzy house place again, Leon and Nathaniel especially were gawking at it. ("Those are houses??" )
In town I noticed that the windshield wipers sounded almost like a heartbeat, and got kind of distracted. Laurie jumped in and asked if I was okay; were those still labeled as a threat? I said no, with real conviction, no they weren't, they shouldn't be. However then I realized my absolute faith in that was due to the heavy-duty soul-searching and research I'd been doing lately, and I couldn't explain that while driving, let alone in brief. Thankfully Infinitii appeared as well, for support and protection both, and surprisingly spoke up-- saying that heartbeats were the sound of life, and that all life happened through "sexual" unity, BUT that word has been completely redefined in our System and it is not dangerous, it has nothing to do with hackers or abusers. Yes I was going to get flustered whenever I heard one, because the intimacy of it was not something that could be taken lightly, but I was NOT to assume that such vulnerability and openness meant people could take advantage of it. That was wrong. I'm paraphrasing and I'm not doing it justice, but it was good to realize that I was on the same terms as Infi with that, completely. I know that whole topic is kind of an ancient thing for us, but we never seem to stop learning, which is weird. Anyway it was the first time in a long time I was able to deal with such a sound, such a context, without freaking out from guilt or shame or paranoia. That's extremely notable. (I guess it helped that it was raining, too.)
Xenophon showed up in the car when we were halfway home, I forget what called her but she was surprised yet happy to see both her parental figures in the car that time. So we took the long way home to look at Christmas lights (her request), and I spontaneously started singing Christmas carols and laughing. I told her Christmas is a state of mind, it's a season of gratitude and generosity and love and wonder and hope, that it's a feeling you keep in your heart. That's what made it magical. I said I wished I could give her the sort of Christmases I had as a child, there in the outerworld, but I realized we can give her something better inside and that really does my heart good.
I remember Eros showed up almost tangibly on the way home-- we drove past a house with red and white-blue lights, and it felt very resonant with me, but I questioned "wasn't red/white Eros' thing" and he superimposed his presence in the space to my left, saying no, the red-white was definitely my thing. He left shortly after that but I found it surprising how clearly he was percievable there.

We got home and Xenophon and I chilled out under the tree for a while-- it's done up like my boss this year, all red lights and golden glitter swirls and glass, I adore it so-- looking at the ceramic town and trees. Xennie was saying "who lived where" and decided Laurie lived in the blacksmith shop (which she agreed to with a grin), and she herself owned the candy store. We then found a clocktower piece on the coffee table, and put it in front of the blacksmith's shop. Laurie jokingly said it could be a reminder to all her "potential customers" that "time waits for no man and neither does she," so either you're on time or you're up the creek. Xennie was giggling at all this, it was great.
At some point later on I peeked back in at heartspace and saw Lynne and Julie talking inside a place that looked like the Boyle's house from Dishonored. I asked if it was and Lynne said yeah, "they knew how to throw a party" so she figured we'd borrow the festivity, and also the architecture. They were putting a huge tree up in the middle of the entrance hall; it looked almost crystalline, all rainbow lights. Waldorf was hanging blue lights on it but then she paused, asked if we wanted the colors scattered or in rainbow bands? How exactly were we doing this tree? After a bit of consideration (during which Knife hung a few pink crystal crosses on the lower branches), everyone decided that each color deserved more than just a small representation here; so we'd have a rainbow-white tree here, and then everyone else could do up their own single-color trees in their own places. Someone then asked Infi what ze would be doing. Waldorf joked that ze could use blacklights on hir tree, and Infi played along by "forming" a small black tree out of shadow for Waldorf to do just that to. She was giggling madly at that alone, with Laurie joking that it looked "like one of those awful bowling alleys," but then Javier ran over and said "not yet, it needs these" and started sticking glow-in-the-dark stars on it. Lynne burst out laughing, Laurie threw her hands in the air and walked away. I have no idea what they're doing with the gaudy UV tree but I hope someone keeps it as a joke because that was funny.

Now I'm here, and I'm exhausted. Remind me to go outside and run first thing in the morning, I did that the other day when it was all foggy out (it was heaven, and yes I do have photos) and it was blissful so I want to make it a habit. It helps my mood and my muscles both.
I'm wearing my bro's old Steely Dan concert shirt to sleep in tonight, because I can. I'm laughing though because I keep hearing "Aja, when all my dime dancing is through, I run to you~" playing on loop in my head now. So many Steely Dan songs were memes between my bro and I, really, it's funny. To this day we can't hear Donald Fagen's voice without exchanging an immediate "aha" look and laughing about something.
Jewel holds all that, admittedly. She holds a lot of that stuff. Which is fine; I'm glad it still belongs to someone, because it's nice stuff.

I want to look through the stored, old Christmas memories sometime soon. Maybe when lying in bed in the morning, before I need to get up. There are snippets that I can find still-- the plate of cookies we'd leave out in the living room, which we hand-decorated with that icing I'll never forget the taste of... the oats-and-glitter mix we'd toss on the back yard for the reindeer... the train we used to have around the tree and the unmistakable smoky smell that accompanied its happy whistle... the red-green lights lining the eaves of the house, all little fat painted lightbulbs... mum playing Andy Williams and Frank Sinatra and all the old crooner Christmas albums on loop as she wrapped and decorated... the exact smell of the santa outfit and beard my dad would wear when he came in the back door: a mix of cold wind and warm fabric and smoke and cologne... the way the living room looked on Christmas morning, overflowing with mountains of presents. There's so much profound comfort and love in those memories. I'll find a way to share them with Xenophon. She deserves it.

Anyway. Today was one of those weird, complicated days that start out tricky but never really feel bad, just turbulent and upset. I'm so glad we were able to transmute that tonight. Must have something to do with all the alchemy research I'm doing lately, haha. Hoenstly though I'm burning out my brain, I am reading so much that it's making me tired and angry, I want to read but really I need to pace myself better. I am learning a LOT, though-- and it's profoundly helpful in many areas, notably self-awareness and Dream World symbolism (AGAIN, why does it always work)-- so I'm not going to quit. Just need to be wiser about it. One day at a time.


I know I haven't had an update like this in a while and I apologize. I sincerely hope all you readers are doing well; we love you and hope that the spirit of this season reaches you wherever you are.