about laurie!

All right I actually just had to type out this big description about Laurie for someone, so here it is for the heck of it.
(Mind you this was written for someone who knows nothing about headspace or our System, so I apologize for that!)



"So, this is Laurie Uberich. She's an interesting character and she means a lot to me.

 



She has a Greek nose, and 'rectangular'-shaped eyes. She has a piercing gaze and thick squared-off eyebrows, which both give her a stern but vigilant expression. Her face shape is a bit hard to pin down, as it is also squarish, but the angles are slightly softer.
She's also biologically androgynous-- she has a flat chest, boyish hips and broad shoulders. Her body type is athletic and solid. She's strongly muscular, but it's not overstated in terms of definition.
Her hair is straight but thick, and measures down to her chin. She wears it in exaggerated layered spikes.
Outfit-wise, she wears a faded purple vest jacket, with no sleeves and no buttons either (it stays open), as well as a pair of violet pants with three fastening belts on the lower legs, and one simple black waist belt. She also wears a pair of heavy steel-toed boots, which are also a faded purple. Most importantly, she wears a lot of bandages, as she's basically covered in (often new) battle scars. Her entire torso and right arm, and her left arm from the shoulder to the wrist, are wrapped up. It's also common for these to be somewhat bloodied as a result, but it's never major.
Her most identifying feature is a large, deep scar around the entire front half of her neck, which she does not cover up for personal reasons.

Her job in her world is a Protector, someone who ensures the safety of all those under her care, almost like a knight. Because she had a lot to protect people from at the start, she was terribly brutal for years, in every respect, with a harsh and angry edge that kept everyone at arm's length from her. Her appearance and attitude made it very clear that she was not to be messed with. However she was secretly terrified that if she let those psychological walls down, the things she was fighting would use her to hurt those she silently cared about. So it took her many years to allow herself to be open to others at all, despite her always wishing she could be.
Beneath her characteristic aggression, Laurie is surprisingly compassionate and understanding. She can be markedly selfless, and goes far out of her way for those who need her, without question or exceptions, even if it's entirely behind the scenes. She doesn't seek attention or reward, and gets somewhat uncomfortable when people do start praising her. To her, she's just "doing her job," even if she really treasures what she does.
Besides acting as a sort of bodyguard to everyone she knows (people just expect her to at this point), Laurie is also the go-to person for psychological advice, as she is hellbent on making sure no one succumbs to the darker thoughts or impulses that she battles. She is brutally honest, with unflinching integrity, and demands the same of everyone else. She will confront anyone without hesitance if they are refusing to make progress. Even if she's absolutely furious with someone, she will try (with unfailing patience) to help them improve as a person, and conquer whatever problems they are currently fighting with. She's also been known to spend hours on end with people in crisis situations, refusing to give up until they are in a stable state.
Laurie does not dwell on the negative, nor does she worry needlessly. She is quite relaxed on her good days, taking life as it comes and enjoying every moment of peace and community she has... and of course, encouraging everyone else to enjoy life too.
As far as body language goes, Laurie always has an air of "owning the place," but she often lounges around if the situation isn't serious, arms over the backs of chairs and all. She knows she means business, as does everyone else, so she can afford to be casual about it. She tends to talk with her hands when making a point, leaning forward in attention, completely focused on the present matter. She has a loud voice but a level, authoritative tone, and people listen when she talks. She also has a habit of using profanity, a habit from her early brutal days that she is trying to overcome.


Her personal color is violet, a color tied to honor, truth and wisdom. Her personal "symbols" are axes (her original weapon) and lanterns (like these, which she says she uses to "bring light to people"). I also personally associate her with laurel crowns and the element of gold.


And a few meaningful quotes from her:

"I'm a brutal sonofagun but I'm no shadow. I can change for the better, and so help me but I will."
"You could ask me to die for you right now and I would do it. And so help me but I'm starting to want to do that for a heck of a lot of people, and it scares me that I'm feeling this much all of a sudden..."
"I always laugh in the face of death. Doesn't mean I'm not scared of it."
"Can't do my job very well if I'm an emotional mess, now can I?"
"I will get you out of this terrified mindset permanently, even if it kills me."
"Listen, kid, if I'm not listening to my heart, then I'm a failure as a protector."
"I wanted to keep you from becoming me. I didn't want you turning into a pitiless scourge, like I was to you. I didn't ever want to see you darken enough to close everyone else out, to become so bloody one-sided that as soon as I stopped swearing and tried to be nice to you, you thought something was wrong."
"I act like the knight in shining armor here, but honestly, I need someone to save me too, sometimes. That's what this whole fiasco is about, there you go. There's the big secret. The battleaxe superego guardian needs someone to back her up, too. Laurie needs someone to run to at the end of the day and she's never had the bloody guts to admit it until now. I act like the boss but I've been pretty freakin' lonely with these trust issues I've been dealing with. No one got close. Except you, kid. Against all odds you still dared to get close, despite the axes I'd swing at you, despite how I swore at you, despite the blood I spat at you-- I tried to commit suicide right in front of you and you tried to save me, for God's sake, I never told you how much that meant to me, did I?"

Sorry for all this text but I just wanted to make sure I had all the bases covered with a description.
Hope that works!"

 

April 16th, 2014

Had several vivid dreams last night, here's what we remember.

In the first, I was working in some sort of grocery store, at the produce section. It was evening, and no one was in the store besides me and about 4 other employees. We had to arrange all these exotic fruits correctly, in both floor crates and the wall setup, and I remember seeing things like rambutans, kiwanos, and mangos. There was also a massive floor crate of plantains, except they were reddish in color and the skin was very dry. I was standing by those, when I overheard two other employees asking each other "where's he from? Brazil?" in reference to a dark-haired boy standing about two crates down from me. The gossipers said that "he should know all about the exotic fruit then," and returning to their work. Right then the boy walked up to where I was, holding a pair of small shears. He wore a somewhat distracted, but unsettlingly pessimistic expression, and just stood staring at the plantains for a minute. "These are different than they are where I come from," he said, and picked one up to snap off the stem at the end, then toss it aside. He continued speaking and snapping stems, saying that "everyone assumed he'd know everything since he was from Brazil," but that what we had here was effectively a "disgrace to his country" and its native produce of the same sort. His voice was steadily becoming louder as his actions became increasingly violent. I was getting scared, honestly, and was hoping someone in the System would switch out and take over, but you can't force a switch, so I was just silently offering the anchor so someone would take it, while dissociating as much as I safely could. However, then the boy paused, noticing that I seemed to be "zoning out," and said something like "I wish I could just detach from reality for a while and come back later." I surprisingly found myself shaking my head, saying "no, you really don't want to experience that." He turned to glare at me then, demanding "why not??" Despite my nerves, I looked up and began, "imagine losing hours of time, waking up in a car in the middle of nowhere with $50 missing from your wallet, and not knowing how you got there--" but he almost immediately began rolling his eyes, and cut me off, saying "don't give me that shit again. You're not saying you experience that?" I paused, unsure if I should reply, but this actually seemed to cut his doubt down. Unfortunately, the doubt was now replaced by another sort of anger, and he whirled back to the plantains, now taking out a long serrated bread knife from alongside the crate. My fear spiked then and I actually began calling for Razor, as the boy started slicing at the plantain stems now, but in a threatening way, and now facing me. He was talking to me, furiously, but I don't know about what, because a few seconds in he dropped the fruits and swung the knife right at my face. Panicked, I quickly grabbed a similar knife (not serrated) from my side of the crate and held it up, now being forced to parry several direct swings at me from the boy, who seemed intent on actually harming, if not killing me. Suddenly the knifes caught, and we were at a standstill, me holding him back and him trying to push the knife hard enough to break past. Then, almost instantly, I got kicked right out of fronting, and Razor did take over. The first thing that happened was that she grinned in that way of hers, my stress basically disappeared, and she even held the blade totally differently. She then said something to the boy, who was now looking confused but worried at this change, but again I don't recall what... it was simple, though, like "so you like to play with knives?" Not a threat, but it sounded enough like one. At that, she changed the angle of pressure on the knife, and began sliding it downwards while still holding the boy off. When the blades slid apart, the boy stood in shock, and Razor (surprisingly) went right back to slicing up the fruit-- but she was straight-up slicing them open, deliberately and with quiet glee, as they were apparently thick enough to tear well. She did this for about 10 seconds or so, talking to herself, and then the boy snapped back to attention and swung the knife at her again... and then there was another switch. This part scared me in retrospect, because I don't know who came out, but I still recognized them. They had long brown hair and brown eyes, and I thought they were Overload at first except the energy vibe was actively murderous. This girl was now fighting with malevolent excitement, striking with powerful blows that were not meant to parry but attack, and I knew that she did not care if anyone died in the process. The boy was getting scared now, backing up as they fought, and the whole time the girl was taunting him loudly. Soon they were about 15 feet away from our original spot, and he was practically pinned against the wall section of the produce. The girl grinned then, and pulled the knife back to strike what may have been a killing blow, when suddenly the whole body shook violently and I was shoved back into fronting, with the marked pain that always accompanies such a switch. I doubled over somewhat, then noticed that this isn't where I was standing, and where did this knife come from? Realization hit me, and I straightened up in fright, demanding, "what just happened? Who was just out??" The boy was in shock, and now several other employees were standing nearby as well, watching in terror. The boy sputtered, "wait, so this is what you go through with that condition??" I nodded, somewhat impatiently as I was very concerned, and the boy looked down with visible reconsideration and thoughtfulness. I was trying to flip through memory data but it was blurry then, so I tried to guess, and asked, "were they talking to you?" He said yes, but wouldn't give me any further details. So I then asked if the person had a higher vocal tone, and tried to imitate Razor's voice. The boy nodded, looking concerned, and said yes, one of them did talk like that. I now paused myself, saying "so Razor was out," and feeling terribly distressed about that fact. I knew she wasn't very good at relating to people in any context and hoped she hadn't hurt him... but then I realized he said "one of them" and that freaked me out even more. I tried to ask again who else was out, but the other employees were now trying to move the boy away from me, looking at me like I was some sort of monster, and no one wanted to speak with me anymore. I wasn't fazed, I just started wandering off in the opposite direction (towards the frozen food incidentally), trying to ask upstairs what in the world had just happened.
However, right then the "plot" switched! When I got to the frozen section, the wall setup actually opened up into a Pokemon arena, similar to those in the old Stadium games-- it was rather dark and lit only by spotlights, like an indoor sports arena, and the stands were all tiered and led down very close to the actual battleground. I was now an older version of James from Team Rocket (hair a more faded indigo, also a scruffy beard), and I was fighting someone that looked like Misty, but also in her 20s. She had sent out a Greninja to fight me, but I forget what I had used (I think it was a Grass-type though). I told my Pokémon to attack, but when it did, I experienced another instant gap of time loss. When I "came to," the battle was over and I had assumedly won, but there was no celebration on anyone's part; on the contrary, the crowds were leaving rather quietly, and Misty was standing off to the far right, with a few people around her. I walked over to her and was surprised to find that I "exited" the Stadium and walked right back into the store aisle, so that the group of us was now standing in another refrigerated aisle, perpendicular to that frozen section. I noticed Misty was crying and the small group (which consisted of a few people who seemed over age 60) was trying to comfort her. Perplexed, I asked what had happened in the battle? She looked at me with a mix of disbelief and accusation, and tearfully shouted, "what do you mean, what happened? Don't you remember?" I honestly said I didn't, and I was concerned, as the aftermath looked very negative. Misty took a deep breath, pausing, then said, "my Greninja died." Shocked, I asked how? She said that the "finishing move" I had apparently called out (during that time loss; I had no recollection of this) against him had been too much for him to handle, and that instead of fainting, her Pokémon had actually died. I was still stunned, but I was also tearing up now too, imagining what that must feel like to lose a beloved Pokémon. However, the group was still glaring at me. I then had the strange impression that they thought I was acting, as in "playing the part" of James, as of course I hadn't been him ten minutes ago. Here, though, I literally was James, and I was being entirely genuine as such. Misty was evidently awaiting my response either way, so I began to say that I was terribly sorry for having done such a thing, even accidentally. Then I started to say, "If it had been one of my own Pokémon…" but I got choked up so badly, I was about to sob. It honestly hurt, to imagine what it would be like in her position right now. Misty was looking at me with equal parts empathy and her own pain, but then she motioned for me to follow her. I did, and we walked back to the frozen-aisle stadium entrance, but Misty then continued a bit to the right, and found another hidden door there. We walked in, and entered what appeared to be a featureless black room, although it felt unsettlingly boundless. A girl in sunlight-colored robes was floating in the middle of the room, looking like some sort of fantastic mage or healer. Leaving me near the entrance, Misty walked up to her and began to quietly speak to her, voice breaking, as the girl nodded in understanding. I think they hugged at one point. Either way, the girl then motioned for Misty to move back slightly, and then she began casting some sort of Light spell. I wasn't entirely sure what happened, but she opened a sort of mental "portal" between Misty's mind and her Greninja's, so to speak, which caused the entire room we were in to physically shift to wherever her Greninja was now in the afterlife (like being in a holodeck almost). The floor seemed to 'disappear' beneath us, leaving us floating above a somewhat misty expanse of rivers, fields, and flowers. Almost instantly, Misty's Greninja appeared before us, but he was several times larger than us. When he noticed her he smiled widely and began to approach, and Misty was also beaming with joy and relief. However, as Greninja moved closer, both his size and ours seemed to shift, so that we were all effectively larger than life-size, but still equal in stature. When they met they embraced and kissed affectionately, and then the air around us seemed to 'fog over' until now we were small again, and Greninja was lying by a river in the field below, eyes closed and smiling. There was a Sceptile lying to his right, also relaxing. Misty asked who he was, and the Greninja replied that he and the Sceptile were apparently 'married' in the afterlife, having met there and growing to deeply care for one another. Misty first blushed at that, then smiled genuinely, and wished them well. She then turned to me and said, "I'm glad he found someone who can love him as much as he deserves, as I couldn't give him that." I nodded, agreeing, but I had the oddest feeling that it had been my Sceptile, although I couldn't remember having one. In fact, I had no idea what my team was at all, and that was upsetting. However, Misty was happy now, having gotten closure, and the view of the afterlife faded back into black. Misty thanked the mage-girl for the opportunity, but I was still feeling very out-of-place, not sure who I was or what I was doing anymore.

I actually woke up right around then, but fell right back asleep.
The second dream is a little blurry at the start, mostly a jumble of impressions, but it was all music-related. I have an awareness that I was singing at a piano (to some kids?) at some point, although I cannot recall exactly when or where that was.
However, the first thing I can clearly recall was being in a building that looked like my house fused with my old violin lessons location, and I was with my three brothers (who all looked several years younger). We were taking part in a Christmas-oriented piano competition there, and they had all competed already. I was the last person to perform, and I was supposed to play "Joy To The World." However, I was nervous because I hadn't memorized the piece at all, for some reason; I had the impression that I had been lacking either the time or the well-being. Still, I couldn't back out and didn’t want to either. So I was called into the review room, which looked almost like my bedroom in the waking. Instead of my bed, though, a woman that looked somewhat like my old violin teacher sat at a desk, and told me to start whenever I was ready. Sure enough, my work desk was now halfway a piano as well! I sat down at it-- which was tricky as it was an awkward height from the bench, and the pedals were out of reach-- and wondered momentarily what I would do. Then I got the idea to literally wing it, as I knew the tune well enough, and see what happened. So I did… and honestly it was pretty beautiful! I wish I remembered the arrangement I had invented when I woke up. However there were two problems with it as a recital piece-- one, I kept inexplicably shifting into a major-key version of "God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen," moving back and forth between the two melodies, and two, since I was ad-libbing it like a jazz piece, there were a few "off notes" here and there where chords didn't exactly mesh. I didn't stop or falter, there were just dissonances when I was unsure what notes I was going for. But it wasn't bad, at least not from a creative standpoint. When I had finished, the woman finished writing on her paper and then sternly said, "I see you didn't memorize the piece, but I raised every score I could to keep you above a failing grade." She handed me the paper and then left, and confused, I looked at it. I had scored a 50% (a D), whereas my brothers had all scored in the 70% range (Cs). I shrugged, not being bothered, and looked to see where I had lost points (other than coming in totally unprepared of course). Surprisingly, the biggest check against me was "you didn't use the damper pedal." I had sworn I did, but looking back at the piano, I saw that the pedals were now moved completely out of foot reach, so it would have been impossible for me to use them anyway. I also lost points for "not staying on one melody" but I had to just laugh at that one.
My brothers and I assumedly all left the place to go home then, because the next thing I remember was us pulling into our driveway at home, and everyone but me jumping out of the car and running inside. I remained inside the car, though (in the back seat), feeling utterly drained and somewhat empty. The car was one I did not recognize-- it was a white two-door, smaller than our family vans, and the inside was upholstered in a dark tan I think. It wasn't textured like a car, though, it felt more like chamois. Either way I was confused. I remember vaguely reaching up then and "space-warping" the car, stretching it upwards so that it was as tall as a van, and pulling it out a little longer too. I then paused, wondering if that would mess up the machinery inside, and shrunk it a tiny bit back down. I was now too tired and oddly depressed to do much else, so I just collapsed on the back seat and lay there. As I lay, though, I suddenly felt the roof of the car "open up" intuitively, showing some sort of gold-white Roman-looking deity floating up in the clouds above me, although he was very close and the sky behind him was the color of the roof. He said he was Zeus, and that by his orders, I was not allowed to leave the car or enter my own home, ever, unless I "had sex with him" and he judged me on it. Immediately I felt myself panic despite my exhaustion; I didn't want to do that at all. So I told him that I didn't care if I could never leave this back seat again, I was not going to do that. He began to get very angry, saying I "didn't have a choice," as I "wasn't allowed to stay there." So he was virtually forcing me to. I wanted to cry from weariness but was also too tired to fight, so I just closed my eyes and hoped I could get out of this with the least pain possible. Just then, though, I heard another voice speak up and say "I'll do it." Opening my eyes, I suddenly saw Infinitii in the back of the car with me, looking sternly up at Zeus. Zeus met hir gaze with dubious scrutiny, but then shrugged rather carelessly and said "fine. Just remember, I am still the judge of it." I was feeling sick about this whole thing and was already dissociating badly, although Infi's appearance was a bit of a relief. Infi then turned to me with an apologetically empathetic look, saying ze'd do this as quickly and painlessly as possible, and also telling me to let him know if ze needed to stop, etc. By this time, though, I had completely 'unplugged' from my own brain, and was viewing myself in a sort of foggy third-person, trying not to feel anything either. Unfortunately, that sort of contact is still excruciatingly painful for me, so immediately the first thing I felt was that sick ache all the way up through my abdomen, and already I wanted it to stop. However my brain was getting confused because "hey, that's Infi over there," and my feelings for hir were clashing terribly with the pain all through my body. Thankfully I had enough nerve to speak up about this and ask Infi to stop before it got worse. Ze did, immediately, and then moved up to hold my face and apologize. I said it was okay, and then thanked hir for showing up to prevent Zeus from doing whatever he would have done. To my surprise, I then heard Zeus comment offhandedly, "that works well enough, you can go," and then disappear (as the roof closed up again). I had barely a moment to be relieved when I suddenly realized, that was the first time in a dream I'd been stuck in that sort of situation and NOT been hacked. It was staggering really, because it had still hurt like hell, and yet I had been spared the absolute worst consequences. I didn't tell this to Infi, I just held hir with a sort of surprised gratitude. I think right then, my brothers ran out of the house anyway to see where I was, and then I woke up.

Upon awakening, I had a few shaky seconds to get a grip on the body, which was still rather shocked, and I decided than in that state I did not want to get out of bed. So I went upstairs for a minute-- turning into my "light form" as I couldn't handle the physical yet-- and stopped by to see how Javier was doing. He seemed to still be asleep, and I remember the sunlight was coming through the windows in his room very prettily, making all the reds somewhat brighter and softer, especially his hair. I knelt down by his bed, smiling, and quietly called his name to see if he was close to waking. Sure enough, his eyes fluttered open, and he sleepily greeted me, asking what was up. I shrugged and said I just wanted to see how he was doing, as we'd been hanging out together often lately, and I'd be waking up on my own soon anyway. Javier sat up as I spoke, rubbing his eyes, which he still had scrunched closed, and said he was doing great, and he'd be around later. Then he opened his eyes, looking down at me, and with a smile wondered is that really the only reason why you're here at this hour? I smiled back, a little abashedly, and (since I was also mostly asleep and therefore not censoring anything) said that actually I had the funny notion to 'take him up on that offer' of trying to kiss him (we were joking about that last week; I ultimately want to kiss everyone platonically but no one knows what to do with all Jave's mouth piercings). Javier laughed a little at that, but then said, "well, do you want to try?" I paused, considering it, then said no. I didn't want to treat that so lightly; and besides, I told him, "I'd rather let you kiss Jeremiah first." He laughed again at that, but quietly, and replied "yeah, I figured you'd pick up on that." I remember pondering this then, wondering how that'd happen anyway because Jerry isn't very comfortable with romance, to say the least, but then laughed at myself because I wasn't into romance either and here I was trying to do the same. So I figured it'd be fine whenever it occurred. I know I said goodbye to Javier then and went back to my own room.

I fell back asleep barely a minute or so later, and had one more small dream before I woke up for good.
First, I was in my bedroom, making the bed, and as I did I found an Amigo Bear plushie on my grandmother's side. Surprised, I asked her when she had bought one? She didn't reply, so I decided to "check"-- and immediately turned to a waiting laptop on my desk, on which I was checking eBay prices for that bear. I found the "listing" she had bought this one from, but it was for a pattern, not a bear. The seller said they had made their own Amigo Bear from scrap fabric, and showed a picture-- it was violet in color, instead of orange, but otherwise it looked official. I thought this was really cool, and decided to keep scrolling through the listings out of curiosity. Now, however, they were listings for art pieces, instead of bears. As I scrolled down, I actually came across the original picture I ever drew of Laurie, back in 2010, listed as a print for $16. I remember being baffled: why had "I" listed it, and why for $16, when they could easily print out their own copy? I figured the latter reason was simply for the increased size, but as for the former, I was a little concerned that it was "for sale" at all. Then I shrugged, deciding to leave it there, because maybe it would "catch someone's attention and get them to find out about us." Right about then I clicked 'next page,' and after deciding that the prices were now too high for me, I closed the laptop. Looking up, I realized my room had suddenly been converted into an art gallery for all the things I had seen listed, hanging all over the walls like they would at a fair. There were also several people I didn't know walking about and looking at them, as well as a few "critics" standing in small groups and critiquing things to each other, and one "tour group" for what looked like a bunch of high school kids. I got up and looked at the art pieces directly behind me, curious, and was again surprised to see that the prices ranged from several hundred dollars to a single dollar, often for pieces of the same size and quality of art. I wondered why this was. Either way, the pieces I was looking at were all done in graphite and/or acrylic, and were somewhat abstract in subject. The art style for many of them, though, was almost manic and disheveled, looking like Dali crossed with Vasquez almost. One of the pieces by this artist was one of those listed as only $1, despite it being a very complicated graphite piece. The school tour walked by me then as I took a notebook out of my pocket, and began writing down the names of the artists I liked to look up later. The critics saw me doing this and one of them walked over to me as the kids left, and I was viewing the painting in the far left corner. Suddenly, the critic that had approached bumped into me very roughly and inappropriately from behind, making some sort of patronizing comment to me as he did so. I, of course, had frozen upon the contact, but I had not dissociated badly-- instead my brain went into a sort of alert standby. The man continued to talk, standing way too close, and I wondered why none of our protective alters had been triggered by him yet? At that, Laurie 'walked over' upstairs and said she'd take care of it… but then she paused, pondering, before saying, "actually, no. Let Wreckage deal with this guy."
Almost immediately I felt this furious rush up through the body, and I was "kicked out" of fronting, to the point where I was now viewing the body in third person-- and Wreckage was literally standing there instead! She was snarling viciously at the guy, and notably she was also salivating like an animal, all of it leaking out from between her massive maw of teeth. I realized she was barely restraining herself from mauling him with those fangs, that or Laurie was-- I felt an active "holding back" vibe around her that did not seem to be of Wreckage's own doing. Either way, the guy was absolutely horrified at this beast now towering down over him, and the critics had now gathered around, looking just as freaked but also ready to jump in and fight her if need be. Thankfully the guy spluttered out an apology for his actions and said it wouldn't happen again-- guess he got the hint-- and Wreckage visibly calmed down a bit, if not reluctantly. I woke up almost immediately after that.

I'm very thankful for all this headspace presence in dreams lately. Knife and Javier were in at least three of my dreams last week, but due to schedule stress I didn't get to write those down.
I'm not surprised at Razor being around, although it is a relief to see her, as she's been rather MIA lately.
Lastly, I have never seen Wreckage in a dream before, let alone so clearly in headspace (she's very new), so that was shocking!