april 17

I felt rather sick for most of today, but I spent the evening listening to Keane with Waldorf, making these silly things, and writing the massive dream entry from last night. So that was nice.

It was also Holy Thursday, so mass was a mix of two things: one, me getting giddy as a 5-year-old over the THURIBLE (I freaking love those things and they smell amazing), and two, me feeling like a seven-year-old when the altar was quietly packed away, and everyone quietly processed out of the church into the cold night. Every year, there is such a strong childhood memory of that event, I don't know why... it's like time never changes on Holy Thursday. I always feel the heavy weight of that Last Supper and the knowledge of impending betrayal and death. The church becomes quiet and dark, with only candles giving light to the small golden sepulchre that will not be opened again until Easter is upon us, and as soon as I go home I feel like a child again, standing in that yellow light as I get into pajamas, knowing that there are two days of deep sadness yet to endure until the lilies and bells break through the dawn.
I have trouble telling apart the vibes of Christmas and Holy Week, even though they're very different when you get down to it. Still, it must be the significance and the holiness that feels so familiar in them both.
Oh. Also, tonight was the foot-washing bit during mass, which really struck a chord with me again because the act requires humility and grace for both parties involved. To genuinely act of such service to another, you cannot be self-loathing, and you cannot be proud either... but you can't be either of those things if you're letting someone wash your feet either. It's a surprisingly meaningful action-- people tend to look down on their own bodies, and I've noticed that many people in today's society are just not comfortable with such a simple but oddly intimate action as having another person care for your health like that. I think that's why I'll never forget that one night, when Laurie wordlessly cleaned up my soaking-wet face after I had sobbed for an hour... no haughtiness, no condemnation, no disgust, no glory. Just sincere compassion and care, and the ability to act on it without fear. Her doing that was so significant that for that moment, I didn't feel ugly and shameful either. I didn't chase her away or put myself down. It just was. It's hard to put into words but that is something I NEED to remember, as I still have a problem with accepting AND giving love due to this weird lingering self-condemnation. "I'm not worthy, I'm filthy, I'm shameful..." When you think that way, you do a lot more damage than you realize, I've learned.
Anyway. Headspace doesn't think like that. Central doesn't have that sort of mindset. So, of course, this year the gang decided "let's actually do that foot-washing thing because we're based on compassionate service too." It took me entirely by surprise at first, everyone was getting along fine and some people were even teasing each other about it (notably Waldorf and Nathaniel, no surprise)... but I was shocked to find that some part of me was ashamed of it? And not in the way you'd think-- I'd seriously take care of anyone in headspace without complaint at the slightest notice, but I couldn't stand the thought of having someone do the same for me, because I thought I was "too filthy," and I'd taint them in the process. Which is nonsense, but it's still an old program. Well obviously they knew I was thinking this, so then they dragged me into it, which is what made me realize that entire above bit. And I still felt so utterly ashamed of myself-- of having a body, of existing as a physical being-- that I didn't want anyone else so much as touching me, let alone trying to care for me even in such a simple way. That realization hurt terribly when it still hit me in that context, but despite its sting, it still took a lot of guts for me to man up & chill out enough to accept compassion from someone else-- and of course everyone insisted I pair up with CZ for that, the one person I am terrified of because of that mindset, because I know he loves me and that doesn't change by how low my opinion of myself is, because he doesn't agree. Therefore I cannot hold that mindset when he's around without feeling massive dissonance, but it's scary to love myself at all when I'm still weirdly convinced that I'm inherently wrong or corrupt, and self-love will somehow make that worse.
It aches, to notice that I've been doing that for so long and everyone knows it. At least now it's conscious. I'll make that my biggest goal for this year. That's my biggest obstacle.
...Julie struggles with it too, still, now that I think about it. It's why she still doesn't like to stick around. Maybe we should work together.

In other news there are few things in the world more comforting than the light and heat from a candle flame, especially when you're tired and your bones are still cold from the wind. Even a tiny tea candle is the loveliest thing in that moment.

Now I'm very tired and I likely will not be anywhere near a computer tomorrow, but I'm still typing up an entry or two from around the 6th (it's rather confusing) so that'll be up here as soon as it's done. Just letting you know.
Nevertheless, Easter always has a big impact on headspace so there will be a big update sometime before Monday, mark my words.
Until then, I'll be seeing you.