041914

 

All right. Lent was a literal ED hellhole due to "fasting=holiness," but now that it's finally Easter, I've made up my mind.
This eating disorder has to stop, and it has to stop as soon as humanly possible.

I knew for years that my psychological stress was killing me on a mental and emotional level. It was eating me alive, making me incapable of functioning like a "normal person," and honestly it still is. But I never realized how lethal its side effects were until just now. This bulimic shit is absolutely killing us, and we cannot ignore it anymore, not now, not with how its exacerbating everything else we're coping with.
I just have to thank God that, after the near-hospitalization in high school (one of the scariest non-trauma related things I can remember), we stopped starving ourselves for at least two years. Yes, we did put on a lot of weight due to trying to "bury the pain" with food, apparently. But once we got a job in 2006, it got a little tougher to eat during the day. And once college started, it literally became impossible to eat for up to 10 hours at a stretch, sometimes. For a while we lived off of energy drinks, tea, and salad, Genesis can tell you that. We've restricted, we've exercised far more than is required, we've mangled our eating schedules and diets as much as possible so that we only had to actually ingest the bare minimum.
But the intentional vomiting, the awful binge-purge cycle, didn't start until the past year or so, when all the horrible trauma memories rose to the surface and made the very sensation of physical weight utterly unbearable. All of that started at once, in a paroxysm of desperation, wanting nothing more than to be free of the feeling that we were being devoured from the inside, that we were full of worms and spiders, that we were being dragged down into the dirt by the tar-pit weight clinging to our bones.
It's still there. It's still happening. It's almost blindly compulsive now, the fear is too great.
But the consequences have now reared their ugly heads as well.

There is so much pain, all the time. We're nauseous, we're weak, we're cold, we're dizzy and disoriented. Muscle spasms and aches are commonplace. We keep losing weight and the body is all swollen up and painful. Headaches, dehydration, breathing problems, chest pain. I can't remember the last time we had over 1000 calories in a day, to say the least, let alone the last time we kept everything down.
But I'm scared. I'm actually scared, because the stupid nightmares and flashbacks still won't go away and this stupid eating disorder was a coping mechanism for that, isn't that just wretched? Every damn time I say, "yeah, we're totally over the PTSD, everything is fine!" and then jump headfirst into social functions and new jobs and school, something happens within 48 hours of that alleged total healing, and that something knocks us twenty steps back and into a mire of terror. It's not healed. I want it to be, dear God I want it to be over, but the awful truth is that it's not.
If this was healed, a simple sound or glance or touch wouldn't trigger an instant reaction in me, blindly violent enough to draw blood.
I hate going through the day and not knowing when the body memories are going to strike. I hate being completely fine one second, and then being blindsided by the sudden flashback of some girl forcing herself on me, and having to lock myself in a car just to cry helplessly for an hour. I hate not being able to hold a job or go to school because so many things reduce me to tears or fearful rage or outright dissociation. I hate not being able to drive or shop or eat or talk because I can't seem to hold my brain and body together long enough to do it right.
The only option I can see is utterly annihilating headspace, because it started this whole living hell and maybe erasing it would stop it. But we've tried so many times, so many times, and it just kept coming back, worse than ever. Why? Why can't we seem to be free of this?

Why did we ever listen to her. Why the heck did we EVER let her convince us to stop self-mutilating. We KNEW that was the only thing standing between us and total destruction, it was a blessed SAFEGUARD, now look at what we've done since the scars disappeared!!
Algorith found a knife and started again, after the last hack. It was like a sign from God. But I fear she was too late.

We don't want to die like this. Not like this. But we've been such utter bastards as of late, destroying ourselves in the hope of somehow surviving as a result, it's bullshit. Now this body is probably broken for good, literally this time, not just figuratively, and we're the ones at fault.
This is hell. This is hell and I want to cry because God I want to die even now but I don't want to die in a misery of pain and filth. I don't want our last hours on this earth to be plagued by the same sort of horrible humiliating agony that defined so much of our life prior. I want to die in peace, for God's sake, please, just allow us that much. All I ever wanted was peace and health and happiness and I killed myself to get it. I am so sorry.

i hope, I hope with everything in me, that we haven't screwed this up too badly to fix. please.

I hate headspace right now. Today, the night before Easter, i literally hate headspace and everything in it.
its been nothing but pain and misery and totrutre and regret. rape and trauma and evil voices and noise and dissociation. i hate it.
i dont want to be an adult. i dont want to be a stupid grown-up and be forced to do all those bad things anymore.
i'm still twelve years old and i dont' care what they say, i stopped growing up when they showed up, i'm still back in elementary school and i keep wondering why no one will let me go back. but i can feel that the body i'm in has lived twice as long as i've existed, and that's scary, because now what do i do? i woke up in a grown-up body one day and i don't know what to do with it. i can't live like that, i don't want to.

i hate headspace for stealing my joy and happiness away from me. i hate them for making me be this stupid fake acty grown-up with their dumb romance and their dumb violence and anger and adult problem things. it's stupid, and they stole all my imagination away from me so i could play their game.
I WANT IT BACK. I WANT MY OWN LIFE BACK AND I WANT TO BE HAPPY. GO AWAY.


nothing makes sense, this is so sad, maybe we will end up dead from this, would that be for the better?
what is there to live for now, when the things we used to live for are now holding us back in a sea of pain?
there is nothing to live for now but hope. and hope can be a curse, when you are hoping for nothing.

god i'm sorry for messing this life up so badly. i really am sorry. i love you and i tried so hard to be good but maybe i tried too hard
if we do die from this please don't make it hurt too bad. that's all i can ask for anymore. things hurt enough already, just let us leave this world in our sleep, have my boss come and get me or something, that'll be great. just please let this be over soon.

this was supposed to be a new age and a new life and i'm sure it is, but i messed up. and i'm sorry. i am really sorry.
please take the pain away if you can. but if you can't, then just please make it stop soon